Sexual Orientation Questions 51-60

THE QUESTION:
SO60: How do straight men feel about other men flirting with them?
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, 35, Houston, TX

ANSWER 1:
I think it depends on intent and familiarity. If a gay man knows I’m straight and is seriously trying to pick me up, I’d have a problem with that. But if it’s a friend joking with me, that’s different. And if it’s someone who doesn’t know my sexual orientation, I couldn’t fault him unless the flirting continued after I told him I was straight.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Andrew, 34, straight <ziptron@hotmail.com>, Huntington, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
How they react will depend on their attitude about gay people in general. Several of my friends are homophobic and feel anger and often fear when approached by gay men. Personally, I find it similar to having a girl who I find remarkably unattractive make a pass at me. Take it as a compliment, but no thanks.
POSTED AUG. 4, 1998
Agrivaine, straight male <agrivaine@yahoo.com>, Dublin, Ireland

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
That’s a great question! Out of the five male waiters at my job, I am the only straight one, and I get hit on a lot. At first I was repulsed, but then I realized that 1) Gay men as a rule are outstanding tippers, and 2) It’s still a compliment to your looks whether the beholder is male or female. Now, depending on the comment, I’ll simply laugh and say, “I’m flattered, but no thanks.” Or, I’ll say, “In your dreams Romeo,” and then pick up my 20 percent tip with a smile.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Icarus, 26, straight male <Icarus@gate.net>, Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a gay man, I have a theory about why straight men often react the ways they do when hit upon by gay men. In our society, primarily dominated by men, characteristics associated with masculinity are found to be desirable. Most straight men (uneducated about sexuality in general or merely fearful) still equate homosexuality with men who are feminine and weak – traits often associated with women. To a straight man, for a gay man to find them desirable, I believe, translates in their minds to themselves displaying some type of behavior associated with their preconceived notions about homosexuality. Hence, the anger response. In addition, their own comfort level with their sexuality plays a role in their acceptance or non-acceptance of this attention, which, in all reality, is a compliment. There also have been some very interesting studies concerning extreme homophobia and latent homosexuality.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
Al D., gay black male <al4bob@aol.com>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I feel flattered if the approach is done in a respectable manner and is not overtly sexual in nature. I have visited gay bars and accepted invitations to dance. I made it a point to tell my orientation as early as possible, or sometimes my friends would. I am not offended unless the person turns out to be rude. The reactions to my presence can be interesting – they range from “cool” to “what the hell are you doing here?”
POSTED NOV. 19, 1998
White, straight male, 44, CA
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO59: To gay people: How, and when, did you know you were gay?
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Sue A., 38, Wilmington, DE

ANSWER 1:

I’ve known I was gay since as long as I can remember (i.e. thinking guys were cute and being attracted to them). You also may know you are gay when you are honest with yourself that everything people have told you about homosexuality is “you,” and that you aren’t evil, lost, cursed, misguided or disgusting for it. Homosexuality is not a learned behavior; otherwise, my brother and sister would be gay because we grew up in the same household. Knowing you are gay is knowing yourself, and it is best to be yourself and accept people for what they are – gay, straight, black, white, etc.
POSTED JULY 13, 1998
Charlie W., 21, Las Vegas, NV

FURTHER NOTICE:
I knew I was gay before I knew anything about sexuality. I must have been eight or nine. I was always more attracted to men. There were none of the so-called “deviant” influences some people like to blame for homosexuality in my life: I grew up in a rural area with no television and limited access to the popular culture of the ’80s, knowing of no one else who liked men. I certainly was not “recruited” or “seduced” – I just knew I was different. It wasn’t until I was 14 or 15 that I found the word for what I knew I was (gay), and it wasn’t until I was 19 that I met someone else who happened to be gay. But it’s different for every person. Some people know at an early age, some come to the realization at a later age.
POSTED JULY 13, 1998
Daniel, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I realized as a teenager that I was not like my friends when it came to guys. I was not interested in dating guys. I was much more interested in the girls. I grew up in a very small town and really didn’t put two and two together until I was around 17. When I headed off for college, I started to explore my feelings for other women. I dated men and women for a while before finally admitting to myself I was a lesbian and that this just wasn’t going to “change” or “go away.” With this realization, I went forward with my life and allowed more long-term friendships and relationships to develop over time.
POSTED JULY 13, 1998
Chole, 38 <cirra@usa.net>, Rowlett, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I knew I was gay for as long as I can remember. Of course, I didn’t know what “gay” meant, but I remember being physically and emotionally attracted to other boys when I was a kid. It was usually an emotional attraction, although I was curious about my friends’ bodies, too. Looking back on it now, I recognize the feelings that I had for some of my friends as crushes. Later on, when my peers started becoming attracted to girls, I just thought I was a “late bloomer” and that it would eventually happen to me too, but I was still attracted to guys. By this time I knew what gay was (and what most people thought of it), so I was in deep denial (i.e. the closet) from about 14 to 23, but when I finally came out it was as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.
POSTED JULY 13, 1998
Mike B., 25, gay male <meb@ukrpack.net>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I remember having attractions to the same sex as far back as my memory will take me. Some of these attractions could be a part of normal growth, some could have been truly sexual. I don’t know. However, at the time, I didn’t know I was gay. I began to understand that I was “different.” But I can’t say whether straight children feel the same emotions through their early years (since we’re all different to some extent), and therefore, it wasn’t until I learned the definition of gay, what it meant to the community and then experiencing puberty, that I subconsciously, at least, knew I was gay. Even after that, I wouldn’t admit it to myself. This was due in large part to the effect on me of my loved ones, my community, my mentors, etc. and not wanting to disappoint them. In a nutshell, it wasn’t until I reached within myself and truthfully addressed some things about myself that I knew I was gay. After that, I realized I had been gay all my life. Maybe I knew it, maybe I didn’t. The mind is a strange thing.
POSTED JULY 13, 1998
R. Alexander, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Although this simple question seems to require a complicated answer, the reality is that the answer is also simple. A straight person with this question should just ask themselves, “How and when did I discover that I was heterosexual?” Discovering one’s sexuality occurs usually during puberty. Although this answer is simple, anyone who has gone through puberty can confirm how complicated the process can be. Now imagine how much more complicated that process is when you have no role models or guidelines, and all you know about what you are discovering about yourself is that everyone will hate you if they also find out (including and especially your family). This is how the “closet” is built, and depending on what kind of support you have at this critical time will determine how tightly the door is shut or whether it is OK to “come out” and be yourself.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Guy H., 43, gay white male <abearhiway@webtv.net>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
As a bisexual, I knew I had an attraction to men during high school. I tried to figure out what my definition of beauty was, and found that I couldn’t rule out men or women. When I really began to have a social life, I found myself most comfortable with gays, lesbians and bisexuals because they tended to be more open about themselves. Also, when I look at people, I can see sex appeal, or attraction, in men or women. I can say Brad Pitt is attractive in the same way I can say Demi Moore, Tyra Banks or Tyson Beckford are beautiful and sexually attractive people. My first sexual encounter with a man came the night of my graduation from high school, and afterward I felt no guilt, pain or shame – much in the same way I felt happy when I had been with women.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Eddie M., 21, bisexual African American <jarmen@hotmail.com>, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I’ve known as long as I can remember that I was different. But then I was poorly coordinated at sports, at an all-boys school and more interested in reading and academic pursuits – so I was used to feeling different. When I was five I had “crushes” on boys at school, and at 12 a “sort of” sexual encounter. From 12 I thought it was “a phase” and I’d grow out of it. This ended at 20, when I had my first proper sexual encounter and a lot of my “hang-ups” vanished in about half an hour. From then on I was more accepting of my homosexuality, but I countered hang-ups about the “effeminate” side of homosexuality by acting more “straight.” I had a big falling-out with a friend when all that rage came out and it took until I was 22 or 23 before I was fully accepting of myself. I have to cross-refer to questions raised about gays writing on toilet walls, etc. It is when you are in the closet or in denial that you act in this way – that sort of behavior can be very compulsive until you accept and deal with it. I know very old gay men who have never resolved these problems and moved beyond this type of behavior.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Ben S., 30, gay male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart , Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I have known I was gay since I was six. I am 34 now. I was always attracted to the other guys, and can remember looking forward to trips to the lake to see the men. I also found myself adjusting television watching habits, just to see the men I would want to resemble my future partner. Sounds corny, doesn’t it? But I lived my life that way, while staying in the closet 33 of the 34 years I have been alive.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Max D., 34, gay white male <max_defazio@hotmail.com>, Nashville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
When I was in high school, I think my sophomore or junior year, there were rumors about someone I knew being gay. I don’t know why I remember this, but I do: A fleeting thought went through my mind that if I were gay I would have to kill myself. That’s all it was. Just that thought. I know now, in retrospect, that I was deciding at that moment to not be consciously aware of what, on some level, I already knew about myself. I didn’t become consciously aware of my orientation until my junior year in college, when I fell in love with my roommate.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Laura W., 36, lesbian <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I knew I was different for as far back as I can remember. I remember in kindergarten that all of my close friends and playmates were girls. I did not have the same interests other boys had, in sports, etc. I was more interested in playing house with the girls (incidentally, I did not grow up to be effeminate). My one and only close male friend, I found out years later after we lost contact, was gay as well. I grew up in a small rural ranching/farming community far away from the perverse influences of the big city. When I was about 14, this friend I mentioned earlier and I experimented one night on a sleepover, and he proceeded to tell everyone what “I” did. From that point on, I was bent on proving I was not “queer.” I dated girls and at one point was engaged to a close female friend. Yes, we even had sex, but there was always something missing for me. Finally, at 23 I decided to stop kidding myself and be who I really am. I’ve been quite happy since and have been in a committed relationship for 14 years.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
S. Russell, 38 <denverguy@iname.com>, Denver, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
When I was growing up, I was not interested in girls,and during my teen years, I wasn’t interested in paying out my earnings to date women when I could be with my friends. The sight of skirts blowing up, partial nudity, etc., did not stir my genes. I would turn to view the guys in the locker room. I was turned on by the men in underpants. After I was an adult, I was told that if I did not get married (or at least engaged) by the time I reached 21, I would be considered a queer, lose my job and be put on the list to be arrested and convicted as a homosexual (a felony in my state). I always knew I was different and had to act the part of a girl-watcher, but not until lately have I come in contact with others like me. They called themselves “gay,” so I now have a label for what I always have been. Even then, I’m basically in the closet.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Charles Y., 63, white, Irish, Detroit suberb, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I knew as early as age 5 that I was gay. I did not have the language to express that, nor did I know about sex. But I did have unusual attraction to men and an unusual unattraction to women. I came out to my parents shortly after my 14th birthday. I grew up in a very small town: I graduated third in my high school class (of seven! ). So I don’t think anyone can blame it (being gay) on the ills of society. I was raised in a fundamental Christian home and never missed a service. I taught Sunday school, was the music director and the youth leader in our church. So it was not due to a lack of religious training. I was never sexually abused, so that was not a contributing factor. According to several studies I have read, human sexuality (straight or gay) is settled in the brain by the time a child reaches the age of 3. I tend to believe that based upon my own experiences.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Steve N., 40, gay male <blaster7@hotmail.com>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
Unlike a lot of my gay friends who realized they were gay at 5 or 6, I first came to that realization when I was 12. I was entering puberty, and at that point it was difficult to deny or igore what was turning you on. Since I grew up in the ’50s, I really didn’t have a name for these feelings; but I did sense it was something you didn’t tell anyone about or act on. Growing up in a strong Catholic environment made that acknowledgement even more difficult, so it wasn’t until I was 20 that I told my best friend about my attraction to guys. I envy kids growing up in today’s world, since it is far easier to identify yourself and feel good about it or accept it earlier in life.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Richard E. <boysrus40@aol.com>, Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
For me, the real question is when I acknowledged being gay. I was always aware that my reactions to heterosexual stimulus (television portrayals of couples, Farah Fawcett posters, Sears catalog underwear ads, boys discussing which girl was most developed, etc.) were not what was expected, so I kept mum. Through the hormone-packed years of puberity, my feelings for men were brought more to the fore. However, I believed my priest when he said it was perfectly normal and that it would pass. Though well-meaning, he was wrong. I didn’t come out to myself until I was 28. That is when I (proudly) acquired the gay label, but the feelings were always there.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Mike, 36, London, UK

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
From the time I was a little girl, I knew I was different. However, that difference didn’t seem to have a name. I knew I was not attracted to boys the way my friends were. I told friends as a teenager that I thought I might be gay, but I had no one to talk to and nowhere to meet other women like myself, and I was very frightened. I ended up marrying. It seemed much easier, and after all, I didn’t know if I was really gay or just kind of sexless. When I was 35, I fell head over heels in love with a friend. She reciprocated and I discovered I was not sexless after all! This is not an uncommon experience for women, I have found. Most men seem to be sure of their sexuality at a much younger age. However, women are very tied to the idea of family, and sometimes it takes us longer to sort out the emotions of loving other women.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Jackie, 41, lesbian mom <seasappho@aol.com>, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
Answers to this question tend to break down along gender and age lines. Gay men tend to realize their sexual orientation earlier than lesbians do, while older gays and lesbians often married and had children before recognizing our sexual orientation. Certainly I was a late bloomer.

Growing up an Army brat and living all over the world, I never heard the words gay or lesbian until I was in college. All I knew was that most of my Alabama girlfriends seemed to “fall in love” with some boy every other month, while I never did. Most guys seemed “on the make” to me. A virgin not interested in casual sex, I wanted a loving long-term monogamous relationship like my parents had. I didn’t get crushes on girls. Many seemed prissy to me. While I dated boys, I couldn’t see spending my life with one. I was beginning to question whether something might be wrong with me when I finally fell in love with a very persistent suitor in college who ironically enough liked me because I was different, not boy crazy like other girls. He didn’t feel threatened by my being active in sports, a straight A student or feminist. That was my sexual awakening. We married and moved to Nebraska.

If I hadn’t been so clueless and sexually naive, perhaps I might have come out earlier. But because I responded sexually to my husband’s lovemaking and didn’t fall in love with any particular woman, I didn’t think I could be a lesbian (once I learned such women existed). I dismissed any romantic interest in women as simple sexual curiosity that would go away if ignored. But of course it didn’t, even though I remained devoutly monogamous.

Over the course of my marriage, my husband and I had frequent conflicts over gender roles and how to raise our daughter. His extra-marital affair the third year of our marriage broke my heart. As a political and social activist, I met many lesbian feminists. I admired several in my women’s spirituality circle. By the time my husband had another serious affair, we had grown so far apart that he came to cry on my shoulder when his married lover wanted to break up with him. After 18 years of marriage, I wanted my freedom.

Following my divorce and my first shy sexual experience with an out lesbian, I began to blossom. I wondered why I had ever waited so long to come out. Coming out as a lesbian has been one of the most wonderfully freeing, emotionally fullfilling experiences of my life. For me, being a lesbian is much more than simply being sexually attracted to or sleeping with a woman. It is about love, intimacy and emotional bonding. It is about caring for and nurturing other women. It is about loving a particular woman so deeply that physical and emotional intimacy is as natural as breathing.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
DykeOnByke,48, late-blooming lesbian, 48 <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 17:
I first realized I was gay at about 18, but knew I was different much earlier – early teens I guess. I had no interest in boys except as friends to hang with and didn’t understand why I never felt like the other girls when it came to checking out the cute guys. Finally, while out on a double date, we gals went to the ladies room (we always go in groups), and the other “straight” gal turned and kissed me in the bathroom! I was surprised, to say the least, but that single kiss answered all my questions about myself. I had been kissing the wrong gender! She was not gay, by the way, and remains married to her husband to this day. Myself, I quit dating men and began to figure out I wasn’t the only woman whose blood pressure goes up when a pretty woman walks into the room.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Val, 41, dyke, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 18:
The first time I kissed a woman I felt desire like I never had known before. I knew then and there that I was on my way to being a lesbian. I had sex with a few guys previous to my first lesbian experience, but never felt anything like the feelings I felt with that woman. I had crushes on girls in high school, but was too homophobic at the time to admit to myself what I was feeling.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
White, 34-year-old dyke, MT

FURTHER NOTICE 19:
I’d like to ask straight people, “How and when did you first know you were straight?” Maybe you developed a crush on an elementary schoolmate; maybe you were smitten with someone on TV or the radio. Maybe a friend became infatuated with you. Regardless, you probably didn’t think, “Aha, this means I like [girls/boys]!” It’s similar for many gay, lesbian and bisexual people. You realize you’re attracted to someone, and only as you get older do you start to know that this attraction has a meaning about who you are – you figure out pretty quickly, though, that if you’re attracted to your own sex, the meaning is that you are “different.” I think orientation – our capacity for attraction – is biological, but identity – what that attraction means – is a product of society.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
S. Addison, bisexual female, Syracuse, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 20:
I started realizing I liked girls at the same time my friends were realizing they liked boys. I pretty much ignored this and stuck up posters of Tom Cruise on my walls like all my friends. By the time I was 14-ish I realized I really did like girls more than guys, but I kept up my posters all the same. By the time I was 16, I had accepted I was lesbian and not romantically interested in guys. It was women I fell in love with. This is just in my case. I think everyone realizes these things at different points in their lives.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Iteki, 22, Irish, lesbian <dt_iteki@hotmail.com>, Stockholm, Sweden

FURTHER NOTICE 21:
As I very young child (5 or 6), I knew I was “different.” Through elementary and junior high school, I always had crushes on girls or female teachers. In high school, I tried dating boys but kept falling in love with girls. By the time I graduated from college, I was miserable trying to be something that I wasn’t, yet afraid to accept I was gay. I grew up in the deep South and any mention of homosexuality was always in the most demeaning, degrading terms possible. In fact, I didn’t even know lesbians existed. I thought only men could be gay – because they were the only ones talked about. Finally in my twenties I accepted that I was gay. But it wasn’t until my thirties that I felt comfortable coming out to anyone. Now most friends and family know – except my mother. I still can’t find the courage to talk to her. And every time I meet a straight person (like at a new job), coming out is not easy. And it’s more than just fearing that people won’t like me. I’m afraid of losing my job and of outright hostility. Thank goodness most straight people I’ve known just don’t care. They won’t march in the Gay Pride parade with me, but they accept me and my partner of 15 years as a couple and as plain old middle-aged, hard-working, middle-class smucks much like themselves, trying to keep up the mortgage payments and worrying about taxes, the crime rate and thickening waistlines.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Sue, 50 <marshz@aol.com>, Richmond , VA

FURTHER NOTICE 22:
Many gay and lesbian friends have told me they “always” knew they were gay, from their first awareness in childhood of being attracted to other people. I don’t think that applies for me, although I can trace attractions to other females back to a young age. I was influenced by the drive to be “normal,” to think of those attractions as unexplainable exceptions to the rule, rather than recognize them as a pattern that expressed my true nature. Although I was in a three-year sexual relationship with a woman when I was in my mid-twenties, it was not until about 10 years later that I was able to accept myself as a lesbian.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Katherine, 53, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 23:
I first knew I was gay during my sophomore year of college. I had been aroused sexually only by men since puberty, but was expecting/hoping for heterosexual interests to materialize. I’d always gotten along well with women and just thought I hadn’t met the right one. During my sophomore year I did meet the right one, but realized that the sexual/romantic component of a relationship was not something I could share with a woman.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Chip W., 44, gay male, Ogunquit, ME

FURTHER NOTICE 24:
When I started dating at 16, I was always uncomfortable dating men, but since I was just a teenager, I assumed it would “get better with time.” Until I dated a woman at 20, I did not know what it was like to feel at ease and comfortable around someone I was actually attracted to. Raised in the ’60s, I had no mentor or role model to explain my feelings – I simply had to stumble toward my own truth. I’m lucky I didn’t end up in jail, on drugs like my friends or worse. Having to arbitrarily search for emotional answers without a road map can be very dangerous. Today at 45, I am just now finding and using the maturity and self-confidence many heterosexuals achieve in their mid-to-late twenties. Gay teens do not have the structure and mentorship needed to achieve the emotional stability and confidence they need to help themselves and others.
POSTED AUG. 11, 1998
Alma J. <pridewks@centraltx.net>, Kempner, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 25:
I was always aware of being attracted to men. I remember telling the bus driver I thought he was handsome when I was 10. But I didn’t know what “gay” meant until around age 13. I desperately tried to be heterosexual, not wanting what I thought would be a sinful and/or difficult life. I finally realized I was gay and wasn’t going to change when I tried several times to have sex with women while I was in the Air Force. The only way I could function was to imagine that I was with a man, and I hadn’t ever been with one. I “came out” two years later when I got out of the service.
POSTED AUG. 17, 1998
Chuck C., Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 26:
I was first aware of being different from my twin sister when we were in about the first grade. By third grade I was certain I was very different, attracted very strongly to girls and not to boys at all. It caused a lot of difficulty because I had a tendency to “steal” my sister’s best friends. I had my first “up close and personal” encounter with a female in third grade – a girl who was also a tomboy. We had radar for each other – a phenomenon which is still operating 50-plus years later.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Darlene C. <DandJandP@aol.com>, Camarillo, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 27:
It depends on how you define “know you were gay.” I knew I was “different” at five, and though I didn’t know the words “gay” or “homosexual” existed, I had already said I would marry a boy when I grew up, and got in trouble for staring at men without shirts. Statistically, I’ve read that boys generally “know” at 14, but I presume they mean “know” as assuming a sexual identity. Most gay men I know say they basically knew from the time they were children. Keep in mind that denial allows us to “not know” what we know perfectly well. Probably we know we’re gay at the same time you know you’re straight.
POSTED AUG. 21, 1998
Max M., 44 <QTeacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 28:
For me, I knew when in 1968 I was taken to see the movie Dr. Zhivago. When Omar Shariff came on the screen, I thought I’d been hit by a ton of bricks. Even though I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, I knew something was going on. I figured it out about 14 years later.
POSTED AUG. 27, 1998
David R., 38, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 29:
I began to feel different when I was in high school, but the emotional turmoil of my teen years made it impossible to explore this difference at that time. Twice as an adult, I have been confronted with situations to which I could have responded as a gay person, but did not. I was apparently not ready. For me, personally, once I entered my thirties (I am 43 now) I found a freedom I had not known before. I am not sure why this happened at this point in life, but here it is. I have just recently been able to face my difference, define it and live with it – very happily, by the way. I suspect my coming out at this point in my life has as much to do with caring more about my own feelings and less about what other people think. I feel safe enough in my own skin now to come out. I did not feel that safety earlier in life.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Susan, 43, white, Madison, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 30:
The first realizations that I was attracted to other boys came when I was 5, through a series of dreams. I had crushes on boys as a small child. Of course, I had no concept of “sex” at that point. When puberty struck, it became painfully apparent to me that my sexual triggers were not the same as most of the other boys I knew. My gay consciousness came years and years before I ever took any action on that consciousness – far before I even would admit to another person that this was the way I was wired. I knew I was gay, most definitely, when I was 12. I did not have to kiss a guy to “know” – knowing came much, much earlier. In hindsight, the clarity of those early dreams was the first budding of my awareness.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Carl B. <carlinator@earthlink.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 31:
As a woman who identified as feminist and straight until 19, a radical feminist until 21, a radical lesbian separatist into her early thirties, and who is now a dispassionate bisexual 41-year-old, I’ve had many coming out experiences. The process of acknowledging that one is not “just heterosexual” is seldom straightforward. I have always been attracted to individual people, and I’ve colored the attraction as sexual or “simply friends” on the basis of cultural mores and my personal comfort zone. Yet I’ve known women who are adamant that they knew from early childhood that they were lesbians, and I believe them completely. Just as I’ve met five-or eight-year-old girls, and had a “zing” that the child would grow to know herself as a lesbian.

For myself, and many others, it has not been that clear. In the early ’70s feminism was “hip,” and with the fledgling support of a women’s group, I started edging around the idea that my attraction to one woman might mean I was a lesbian. In the early ’80s, I acted on my attraction to a woman and felt lavishly “at home” in lesbian-only communities. As the leftish cultures I sought out gradually became more gay-encompassing, I shifted my radical stance to a less divisive position and allowed myself to become friends with men and women, gay and straight. As I did so, I pursued a relationship with a man. He was not “the one” for me, and I’ve moved on. Now, I raise my son (born of alternative insemination with an unkwown donor when I was single) and am open to what the winds bring. The answer to your question is multifaceted. Bless and embrace the variety of gayness/straightness/queerness!
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Lisa , 41, quasi-lesbian/perhaps bisexual <las35@cornell.edu>, Hartsville, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 32:
For as long as I can remember I have always been drawn to women. When I was a child, I had no name for it. I didn’t identify it as something “different.” When I got to high school, I found it to be a very homophobic place. It was a single sex school and rumors about “those sick lezzies” were rife. I internalized that to some extent and convinced myself I wasn’t a lesbian. I was simultaneously fascinated by them, though. I accounted for the fact that I had no interest in boys or going to the local boys school in the lunch break by using studies as an excuse – I was far too interested in work to indulge in such trivialities! The crushes I sometimes experienced on teachers and other girls were “romantic notions of intense friendship.” I was so afraid of being a lesbian that I engineered an excuse for every conceivable obstacle in my way to total heterosexuality. It was only once I left high school at 16 and went to an F.E. college (please forgive the confusing British education system) that I admitted it to myself. I look back now and can spot my “lesbian moments”!
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Vicky F., 20, university student <nr243@lamp.ac.uk>, Wales, United Kingdom

FURTHER NOTICE 33:
I’m a 40-year-old gay man. I had a feeling I was different from my father (who knew all along, he tells me today) and boys at about the age of three. In grade school, other kids noticed the difference and taunted me with insults like ” sissy” and “fag,” but I was popular anyway. By the time I turned 12, I realized I was attracted to men sexually, and wanting to know more, read books on human sexual behavior. I then realized I was gay, and I don’t remember thinking I had to change. Rather, I was resigned to the fact that this was how life was going to be for me. Today, I’m quite happy and have been in a relationship for 16 years.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Daniel C., 40, gay male <hadrien@sympatico.ca>, Aylmer, Quebec, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 34:
I didn’t know I was gay until looking back on my life. Only after I came out did I know that as far back as childhood I was gay. I had childhood fantasies about the boys next door. I enjoyed being in the cloak room with “Steven.” I enjoyed the night in Scout Camp when Rick asked if I wanted to touch his erection. I had a deep crush on John in high school. I cared deeply about Walt in college. None of this made sense to me until I finally met a man (Mike) and realized that I did indeed like/love men. How Mike brought me out is still a mystery to me, except that finally someone (he) let me know it was OK to love another man.
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
Steve W., Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 35:
I knew I was unusually attracted to members of my own sex (male) when I was a child. I didn’t identify this as “gay,” or really even as sexual, until after puberty. By 16 I had a male lover and that was that. Short answer: I’ve always been gay.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Luke T. <majesty@ipass.net>, Raleigh, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 36:
I knew I was gay at about 13. Until that age, I was only attracted to females. Around the age of 13, I became intimidated by females at school and I disliked my mother. There were few male role models in my family, but plenty of females. I like men that resemble my father and myself (we look almost alike). I went through a stage of self-denial in my teens. I lost my virginity to a girl when I was 17. After nine months of being together (including two months of living together), we broke up. Two weeks after the breakup with her, I got into a relationship with a male (first time). Since then I have only dated men.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
W.A. <TNT_21.YAHOO.COM>, Tallahassee, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 37:
In my case, I did not realize I was gay throughout my teenage years, although I would have crushes on boys. Denial? Ignorance? Perhaps both. Peer pressure, family and strict religious upbringing (mine being Catholic) can all contribute to one’s denial and/or ignorance of his/her homosexuality. It wasn’t until I had left home to go to university, striking it out on my own, that I had a better understanding of who I was/am, and of what I want out of life. Only then did I decide I had had enough with charades and lies, and I came out to the most important person in my life: Me. Some realize and accept their homosexuality very early on; given a supportive environment, it can be as early as childhood. Others may take longer. I do not consider myself a “late-bloomer” (late-teens/very early twenties). It is important to understand that when one is ready to accept and realize his/her homosexuality, then that is the right time. Let’s face it, living in denial sucks. Once you stop denying yourself the right to self-awareness and self-acceptance, you can only move on, onward and upward. It may take time, it is difficult, but it’s definitely worth it.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Matthew T., 26, gay white male, Montréal, Quebec, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 38:
Personally, and I believe you will find a broad variety of experiences, I didn’t become clued into my sexual orientation until college. I knew there were gay people, but never really acknowledged this characteristic in myself. Then one day I pondered whether I might be a lesbian. And then I thought back about my experiences with people, and I began to see a pattern. I realized I had been having crushes on women since the fourth grade. I had these special feelings for women that I never had for men. The relationship that I had with men has always been more brotherly than anything else. I’ve loved them but I’ve never felt nervous, or uncomfortable, or had sweaty palms, or any of those other feelings I associate with having a crush on someone.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Shelley B., engineer, Ventura, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 39:
I’ve known I was attracted to men since I can remember. Personally, I can’t pinpoint when exactly. A similar question would be when do straight people know they are straight. For gay people, knowing and acceptance often happen at different times in our world, which presumes heterosexuality. We come out when we’re ready.
POSTED OCT. 5 1998
V.S., gay male, Bangkok, Thailand

FURTHER NOTICE 40:
I’m bisexual, and I suppose I knew right around the beginnings of puberty. I had a lot of female friends with whom I would do stereotypically female things, and I had some male friends with whom I would do stereotypically male things. When boys talked about cute girls and all, I could empathize; and when girls talked about cute boys, I could empathize. At the time I thought I was a big slut, but now I think I’m a big romantic. Either way, sex segregation in relationships is something I just don’t understand. I couldn’t (and still can’t) imagine not being bisexual.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Joe B., 21, bisexual male, Akron, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 41:
Most gay men (the situation may be different for lesbians) I have talked with say they have known they were “different” since they were very small – younger than 10. Studies have indicated that most gay boys are aware of their orientation by 13 (though they may not understand the implications of those feelings). I can remember being attracted to images of nude men from the age of approximately 13. I didn’t define myself as gay until I was much older, perhaps as late as 49.
POSTED OCT. 12, 1998
Lewis T., 52, gay male <lthom3@aol.com>, Grosse Pointe, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 42:
It’s difficult to remember when you “knew” you were gay. Part of the problem is when do you understand what “gay” is, and what sexuality is? I remember having attractions to the same sex as far back as my memory will take me. Some of these attractions could be part of normal growth, some could have been truly sexual. I don’t know. However, at the time, I didn’t know I was gay. I began to understand I was “different,” but I can’t say whether straight children feel the same emotions through their early years (since we’re all different to some extent), and therefore, it wasn’t until I learned the definition of gay and what it meant to the community, and then experienced puberty that I subconsciously, at least, knew I was gay. Even after that, I wouldn’t admit it to myself. This was due in large part to the effect of my loved ones, my community, my mentors, etc., and not wanting to disappoint them. So in a nutshell, it wasn’t until I reached within myself, and truthfully addressed some things about myself,that I knew I was gay. After that, I realized I was gay all my life. Maybe I knew it, maybe I didn’t. The mind is a strange thing.
POSTED OCT. 26, 1998
R. Alexander <robert.alexander@compaq.com>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 43:
Well, I don’t know if I count, since you wanted an answer from someone who’s gay. I still don’t know which orientation I am, and I am already in my 30s. I could be asexual. That’s not really a term used for people, but that’s what it feels like. So maybe some people never know. It’s not something I’ve explored with any enthusiasm.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Pear, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 44:
I realized as a teenager in high school that I was not like my friends when it came to guys. I was not interested in dating the guys, I was much more interested in the girls. I grew up in a very small town and really didn’t put two and two together until I was around 17. When I headed off for college, I started to explore my feelings for other women. I dated both men and women for a while before finally admitting to myself I was a lesbian and that this just wasn’t going to “change” or “go away.” With this realization I went forward with my life and allowed more long-term friendships and relationships to develop over time.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Chole, 38, lesbian <cirra@usa.net>, Rowlett, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 45:
I always knew I was gay for as long as I can remember. Of course, I didn’t know what “gay” meant, but I remember being physically and emotionally attracted to other boys when I was a kid. It was usually an emotional attraction, although I was curious about my friends’ bodies, too. Looking back on it now, I recognize the feelings that I had for some of my friends as crushes. Later on, when my peers started becoming attracted to girls, I just thought I was a “late bloomer” and that it would eventually happen to me too, but I was still attracted to guys. By this time I knew what gay was (and what most people thought of it), so I was in deep denial (i.e. the closet) from about ages 14 to 23, but when I finally came out it was as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
Mike B., gay man, 25 <meb@ukrpack.net>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 46:
I didn’t associate homosexuality with myself until I was around 15. However, I remember having stronger feelings for boys and always wanting intimate relationships with them. Given that I’m a twin, I just assumed (as did my parents) that I was a late bloomer when my brother started expressing an interest in girls.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
D. Nichols, 34, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 47:
I’d like to point out a similarity in many of the answers provided. There is a period of self-discovery that happens at some point in a gay person’s life – often during puberty. And depending on the support and social surroundings of that individual, this discovery period may have a profound effect on a person’s self-image. If, during this discovery process, their environment is one in which there is little to no understanding, or even undercurrents of non-understanding or disapproval, the person’s personality develops around trying to protect themselves from disapproval, disappointment or even hostility. This tends to happen when the youth’s personality is developing, when they’re trying to find a place for themselves in the world. It’s very easy for that person to begin to deprive himself or herself of self-dignity and for their self-esteem to wane, and often severe insecurity develops. It can have a horrific effect on a young person’s life – it did on mine. I’m 39 now and just beginning to understand myself and “undo” the social effects that being gay had on me. Things have improved greatly since I was a child, and I hope that understanding and compassion continue to improve for all people who appear different to others.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
R. Alexander, gay male <robert.alexander@compaq.com>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 48:
I first knew I was gay when I was 16. Until that time, as most of the other replies have stated, I knew I was different, but I hadn’t put the answer together. I still remember the night I was masturbating in my room and realized the fact that my fantasies were of other guys meant I was gay, and I called myself a homosexual for the first time (this was the late ’60s – gay wasn’t a popular term yet). After that, everything fell into place. The crushes on teenage TV stars, getting excited when I was in the locker room at school, the whole bit. It took a lot longer before I was comfortable with myself, but that’s another answer.
POSTED NOV. 19, 1998
Don K., gay male, 44, Birmingham, MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO58: Is there a symbol to identify a gay bar? In the city that I live in, it seems to be that the two gay bars we have have an inverted triangle in the window. Is this to identify it as a gay bar?
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Amy, 25, straight white female, NY

ANSWER 1:
The inverted pink triangle was a symbol first used in the Nazi concentration camps of World War II. Homosexuals, whether Jewish or not, were targeted for extermination and, upon entry into the camps, had pink triangles sewn onto their uniforms to identify them as homosexual. Today, that symbol is used as one of solidarity and pride, identifying ourselves as an oppressed minority. In many parts of the country, gay establishments do not outwardly identify themselves as such by displaying symbols such as the inverted pink triangle or “the colors” (a multicolored flag representing the diversity of the gay populace) due to fear of being singled out for violence and/or vandalism. However, there are legions of brave souls who are “out and proud” who don’t hesitate to identify themselves by displaying these symbols. It’s not a requirement though: There are directories of gay establishments that can be bought at gay and mainstream bookstores to direct us to gay-friendly establishments in virtually any city in the world.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Michael G., 38, gay male, Winston-Salem, NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
There are several symbols. Here are just a few: The upside-down pink triangle is a gay pride symbol. A rainbow flag (and there are a lot of different ones) is a gay pride symbol. An upside-down black triangle is a lesbian pride symbol. There are even flags and symbols for “leather” pride, although I know what it looks like, I don’t have it memorized. You’ll be amazed at all the cars you’ll now see with these.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
M.R., 28, Simi Valley, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Frequently, especially in towns that are more gay supportive, gay bars will fly a rainbow flag or have pink triangles point down as part of their logo or window decorations. Black triangles are getting more popular to indicate lesbian bars. In areas that are less supportive, often bars will be completely unmarked to provide safe havens.
POSTED AUG. 4, 1998
John K., 32, gay white male <jkusters@san.rr.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
If there is an inverted (i.e. point down) triangle in the window, especially pink, black or rainbow colored, then my guess would be that it is a gay bar. The pink and black triangle is a symbol that has been taken back by gay rights activists. The symbol comes origionally from the Nazi concentration camps of World War II. Hundreds of thousands of lesbians and gay men were sent to the camps along with many other “non-desirable” groups, inluding gypsies, political opponents of the Nazi regime, criminals, academics and of course Jews. Gay men were forced to wear a pink triangle on their clothes, in the same way Jews were made to wear a yellow six-pointed star. Lesbians were also sent to the camps and “awarded” the same marking as prostitutes, the black triangle. A newer symbol for the gay community is the rainbow flag (also called pride flag). This six-color rainbow flag was designed to be a more cheerful and hopeful symbol for the future, and to complement the triangle symbol. The combination of colors coming together to produce a rainbow (and light) symbolizes the diversity of the lesbian/gay community. It is quite common to see rainbow-colored triangles symbolizing hope and joy but remembering the past.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Iteki, 22, Irish lesbian female <dt_iteki@hotmail.com>, Stockholm, Sweden

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The inverted triangle is a general symbol used by homosexuals. Its origins are in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany, when various groups were forced to wear different insignia to identify their group. For example, Jews wore stars, homosexuals wore triangles. The inverted pink triangle motif has been generally adopted as it not only provides easy identification of gay-friendly places but also reminds people of the persecution we have endured and continue to endure. So it is not an idenditification of a “gay bar” as such but simply a motif used to identify something to do with gay lifestyle. It may be worn as a badge, appear in advertisements, appear in bars or be used in any number of ways.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
Tim R., gay male
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO57: If a gay man can be aroused by a woman, is he still gay, or is he bisexual?
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
A.W., Fremont, CA

ANSWER 1:
It’s been my experience (both as a gay guy and as someone who has had friends of all sorts of sexual preferences/orientations) that sexuality tends to be fluid. For example, I consider myself exclusively gay, but from time to time I catch myself looking at women “in that way.” And many of my straight friends have ‘fessed up to the same behavior: Men looking at men, women looking at women, everyone looking at everyone. Just because one chooses to describe him/herself as “gay,” “bi” or “straight” doesn’t necessarily mean his/her behavior is going to adhere strictly to those adjectives. They’re just words, after all, and human behavior is a lot more complex and rich than any English textbook I’ve ever picked up.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Matthew, 23, gay <van_vlakten@yahoo.com>, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE:
It depends largely on how that guy sees himself. Most of us are comfortable with identifying as one sexuality. I am occasionally attracted to women – OK, the ones I like tend to be very boyish-looking (usually lesbian), but basically I see myself as a fag by default, because mostly I’m attracted to men. Some gay people are very intolerant of bisexuals or gay people who admit to heterosexual attraction – despite their calls for acceptance of “sexual diversity.” They are very protective of their sexual identity; it may mean a lot to them in a world where gays are a minority. Hopefully, as barriers break down, that sort of “siege mentality” will fade away.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Ben S., gay male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart , Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Sexual orientation is on a continuum. As you’ve pointed out, our sexuality exists in our minds and also in our behavior. At one end of the continuum are those (relatively few) who feel attracted (a mind thing) only to members of their own sex. Most likely, those people will show only same-sex behaviors. But yes, even here there will be exceptions. The somewhat more numerous folks at the other end of the spectrum will mostly do it only with the other sex. People who have occasional other-sex fantasies but are mostly same-sex oriented tend to think of themselves as gay/lesbian. But you could quibble. Alfred Kinsey, the great sex researcher of the 1940s and 1950s, made up an (arbitrary) 7-point scale: People who were entirely heterosexual mentally and physically were given a score of Zero. (Unnecessarily insulting, I think). Someone who had the occasional gay fantasy or a rare gay experience might be a One. Strictly gay people were Sixes. Thus the T-shirt that says “I’m a Kinsey 6. (Perfect Score!)” Bottom line: Though we love to put people in boxes, the categories are arbitrary, and each person is the final arbiter on what label he/she wants.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Will H., gay, 48, Euro-aAmerican, Dallas , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It’s important to distinguish between “sex” and “sexuality,” “sex” being the physical act and “sexuality” being your romantic/emotional needs. I’ve always believed that (given enough time, stimulation, alchohol or whatever) anyone can have physical sex with any other human being, but that your “orientation” is related to where you find your emotional and romantic fulfillment. For instance, occasionally I find myself attracted to women, but that “spark” or connection with another person is exclusive to men. Because I would only be able to have a fullfilling relationship, sexually and emotionally, with a male, I call myself “gay.” If I thought or felt that I could also have that kind of relationship with a woman, I’d probably call myself “bisexual.”
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Steve S., 37, gay white male, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
You’d have to ask him. Gay, straight, bi are simply convenient labels we’ve tried to apply to everyone to compartmentalize our sexuality. We are all sexual beings – notions of gay and straight have only been around for about 100 years, and still don’t exist in many cultures in the world the way we see them in the West. The variety of possible sexual responses is enormous. One’s primary attraction (to same/other/both) might be/is probably pre-programmed, but how one chooses to respond to/act on one’s feelings is a matter of individual choice.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Jeff, 26, gay, <jleppard@hotmail.com>, Bangkok, Thailand

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think it is a bit more complex than most people realize. Being bi is more than just being in the middle of a continuum of straight-bi-gay. It’s a whole set of attitudes and beliefs, a way of looking at the universe and at yourself. Bis seem to place less importance on gender as a whole than straights or gays, and that alters the way we see everything – and everyone.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual female, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Simply being “aroused” by a woman does not suddenly make a gay man bisexual. It’s a matter of stimulus and response. I’m sure there are gay men who are so turned-off by the idea that physical arousal is unlikely. However, try comparing it to being ticklish: Most of the time, it doesn’t matter – male or female- who tickles you; chances are good you’re going to giggle. Sure, from a purely mechanical viewpoint, I could probably be aroused to orgasm by a woman. However, that’s simply mechanics. To me, at least, I connect emotionally with a man. Just because “Tab A into Slot B” would work, it’s a bit too clinical for my liking. If this “gay” man did, however, find himself attracted to women, emotionally and physically, as well as men, then yes, I’d wager he’s bisexual.
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
Mike N., 26, gay male <minbari@bigfoot.com>, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I have been married to a woman for 25 years. I have almost always been able to achieve an erection during intercourse with her. This ability, among other things, kept me confused as to my sexual identity for more than 20 years. The key to me now is this: When with a woman, do I fantasize about making love with her (or another woman), or do I fantasize that I am “with” a man? The answer to this question holds the key, I believe, to sexual orientation. Another clue: When making love with a woman, if we are looking in a mirror at the activity, am I looking at her or my own reflection? The act itself is not as important to questions of identity as what’s going on internally.
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
Lew T., gay male <lthom3@aol.com>, Grosse Pointe, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I don’t think functions of biology have anything to do with sexual orientation. It is known that even anxiety causes in increase in penile size.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Jim L., 31, Ventura, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Sexuality, being part of human nature, is a very complex thing. Yes, some gay men can be attracted, aroused and even have sexual relations with a woman. What you’re referring to, however, in my opinion, is self-labeling. If you’re attracted and aroused by women, as a gay male, you might still call yourself gay. Or, if for your own purposes, you could call yourself bisexual. It’s your party, so call it what you want. I don’t know if this could be considered an answer, because I really don’t think that there is an answer to this, beyond “it depends.” Confusing, eh? If it helps any, I have friends who most people would consider gay who reject that label outright, preferring to refer themselves merely as “humans.” Again, it’s all about what you’re comfortable with calling yourself.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
Daniel, San Francisco, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO56: Why do some gay men call other gay men “girls” or “sisters”? Do lesbians ever call other lesbians “brothers” or “boys”?
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Iltan H., 25, straight male <ilhaj@rocketmail.com>, Valhalla, NY

ANSWER 1:
As a lesbian who has been out for about 15 years, I don’t recall hearing other lesbians refer to each other in masculine terms, i.e., “brother,” “man” or “boy.” I have no idea why it is common for gay men to refer to each other in feminine terms.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Laura W., 36, lesbian <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>, Los Angeles , CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think it is supposed to be campy. Etymologically speaking, its use probably goes back to the 1940s. But I think it is a term based in insult, a putdown that implies the person being called “girl” that he is not quite a man. And, everyone knows that it’s better to be a man, don’t they? In my view, it is inherently misogynistic, and I avoid using it.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Rex T. <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I agree with the camp factor, but I would add that you might notice how similarly gay men and African-American women talk. The use of “girl,” “sister” and “honey,” whether as terms of affection or in a snide comment, are very apparent in both groups. So, are there deeper genetic reasons for this?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Chris, gay, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To my knowledge, lesbians don’t call each other brothers or boys. My theory on why some gay men will call other gay men sisters or girls is that being on the outside looking in at traditional relationships between men and women has given us an appreciation of what women have gone through in efforts to attract and keep a mate. In many ways it’s ridiculous, yet endearing in its sincerity, thus becoming camp, or at least one facet of it. We’ve noticed how often men have been self-absorbed, indifferent and numb to the time and energy women have spent to meet the ever-changing standards in looks, style or demeanor. We’ve been mesmerized by the times when women, usually in film, but sometimes in life, have succeeded in these efforts and made men fawn over or defer to them. Thus, both “sister” and “girl” are said in fun with positive connotations (but they can also be a mild putdown if we think these people are being exceptionally friviolous or focused on things of little importance). Primarily, they are terms that show appreciation for what women have been/go through and for the less-limited range of emotional expression granted to women.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Warner <wchipvw@cybertours.com>, Ogunquit, ME

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think gay men sometimes use “girl,” “sister,” or other female terms as a way to have fun with common stereotypes of gays. I’ve never really given it much thought, but it’s just fun for me and my friends to tease each other with these words because, I believe, most of us grew up dreading being called a fag or gay or anything less than “masculine.” Now that we’re out, it’s fun to play around with these words, not only because it means we’re comfortable with our sexuality, but also as a way to signal certain “stereotypical” moods or behavior. Like if I have a piece of juicy gossip, I might say, “OK girls, listen to this,” or if someone’s copping an attitude, I might say “Get a load of her.” Maybe the roots of this usage are sexist, but my friends and I generally use it to be humorous or “campy.”
POSTED OCT. 26, 1998
Mike B., 25, gay male <meb@ukrpack.net>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
In the lesbian leather community, where butch/femme dynamics and “gender-play” is widely accepted, it’s not uncommon to refer to bottom butches as “boy.” There are also top butches referred to as “Daddy” and “Sir.”
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Bobbie, 37, lesbian <bjmcnm@primary.net>
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO55: Even my many gay/lesbian friends have a hard time answering this question: Why do gay men find drag queens and/or transsexuals attractive? If they are gay, doesn’t that mean they prefer a person of the same sex? So why would they be attracted to men who look like women?
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Ravynne, 28, straight female <ravynnes@aol.com>, Portland, OR

ANSWER 1:
Most gay men are not sexually attracted to drag queens, transvestites or transsexuals. Some men are, and they are usually more accepted in the gay community. I went out with a drag queen, and I would never have wanted to go to bed with him in his drag outfit! Drag is a way of making a social statement, attacking taboos in our society about men who act in an unmanly way or take the “female” role in sex, by “reversing” gender roles. Gay people also have a subversive sense of humor, and drag is a big part of that. Most popular drag queens don’t look that feminine. At most they are a caricature of the way some actresses or singers used to act, pre-women’s liberation.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Ben S., gay male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE:
It is not correct to assume gay men in general are attracted to female impersonators, at least not in the way you perceive, although some may very well be. I believe the reason we find female impersonation appealing is that it is so outrageously fun. As youngsters, many of us are made to feel ashamed and unwholesome for behaving in a way that is established by our society as behavior appropriate only for the opposite sex. It is our way of laughing at convention for the sake of convention. Many impersonators are reveling in glamor. Some men may identify with female celebrities whose public personas made them seem desirable to many men. Rather than accept the oppression we face, we transform it, creating an art form that symbolizes our resilience, courage and undying sense of humor.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, 35, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’m a 28-year-old gay male, and I do not, nor do any of my friends, find drag queens and/or transsexuals sexually attractive. I am attacted to men, and nothing else. I have a few friends who like to dress in drag once in a while, which I believe is simply for attention. They are always a ball to be with when they’re in drag because they are “acting” and not really being themselves.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
M.R., 28, Simi Valley, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’m gay and have absolutely no interest in transvestites and transexuals; like you said, I’m gay because I’m attracted to other guys (not guys who dress like girls). And, while I suppose I should be supportive of other gay people, no matter what their particular style, I have found myself developing quite an intolerance for transvestites and their flamboyant ways. (It’s also interesting to note, that if surveys are true, there are more heterosexual male transvestites than homosexual males).
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Doug, 30, gay, San Jose, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am not aware of gay men being sexually attracted to drag queens. I think (and I only speak for myself) that most drag queens are cross-dressing to be entertaining or “dramatic.” Many drag queens have lovers, but I don’t know if the attraction is based on drag (I would guess not). The one drag queen I did know was an extremely handsome young man when out of drag, but the thought of seeing him in drag was a real turn-off for me. As for transsexuals, I am guessing that most are interested in attracting straight men and would have little or no luck trying to attract a gay man.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Chuck C., Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I wonder if the flip-side of that might be the question, “Why be with a butch lesbian when you could be with a man?” As a lesbian, the point for me is that a butch woman is not a man. She is a woman challenging gender stereotypes or perhaps just being herself. My guess is the same goes for gay male attraction to drag queens. They may be queens, but they are not women, and therein lies all the difference. Being gay doesn’t necessarily mean being attracted to that which society has deemed “masculine,” and neither does being lesbian mean being attracted to “feminine.” Often in sexual relationships there are dominant and passive roles happening. If a man is attracted to passive, soft, submissive (i.e. what we’ve been socialized to call “feminine”), it does not necessarily mean he is attracted to women. To bring in another comparison along the same lines, if a straight woman is attracted to quiet, passive men, it does not mean she should be a lesbian. Gender roles and sexuality have been mixed together into oppositions for a long time: If you are straight and “masculine,” then you must like “feminine.” If you are gay and “masculine,” then you must like “masculine.” But that is often too restrictive for how people feel in real life. For some good reading on gender roles and sexuality, check out Kate Bornstein’s book, Gender Outlaw.
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
Heidi B., 29, lesbian <hbean@gol.com>, Tokyo, Japan

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
There could be any number of reasons. It could be that gay men are not necessarily attracted to the dress but to the courage it takes to dress as such. Or they could be attracted to the idea that a feminine man compliments their own masculinity. Or they could be attracted to someone who is able to make very “loud” statements in life. Or they could be attracted to a person who is able to contribute to the lesbian/gay community in a very big way. (Drag queens/female impersonaters have done most of the fund-raising within the HIV/AIDS community.) As for me and my partner, we are both average, masculine men who can blend into any situation in life with confidence. That’s what I like. But I have learned two things: 1) being gay is not about sex, it is about who I am able to connect with on an intimate and emotional level. Sex is an expression of that connection. 2) It really is not the clothes that make the man!
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
Steve N., 40, gay male <blaster7@hotmail.com>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I think you’re assuming all gay man are attracted to drag queens or transsexuals, and that’s simply not the case. Neither I nor anyone I know finds drag queens sexually appealing, at least when they’re dressed as women. However, in this big wide world, almost anything will be attractive to someone. I’m sure there are gay men who look at drag queens and get turned on, and I’m sure there are straight men who get turned on by wearing their wive’s panties. But I’m not sure how common it is in either community. From my experience and acquaintance with gay men, I think those attracted to cross-dressers are in the minority.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Mike B., gay man, 25 <meb@ukrpack.net>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
From my own experience: The kind of attractiveness you’re referring to could be “My, doesn’t Frank just look fabulous tonight in that off-the-shoulder Oleg Cassini number!” which seems to make up the bulk of what I consider a gay male’s attraction to drag queens, or it could mean “Hey, Frank, you’re a beautiful girl, wanna have sex?”, which doesn’t seem to be nearly as prevalent among gay men. Although I don’t know why drag queens are a part of our queer culture (although they’re certainly welcome, and played a crucial part in establishing what little gay rights exist – see Stonewall), a friend of mine, a pre-operation trannsexual who self-identifies as straight, said that the main reason he and others in his situation are a part of the gay community is that they were rejected by the mainstream community. Here in San Francisco, the so-called gay mecca, my personal observation has been that the reality is the men you see in gay bars frequented by drag queens and transsexuals are usually straight. As for the attraction part, different strokes for different folks!
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
Daniel, 27, gay white male, San Francisco, CA
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO54: Are the terms “gay” and “lesbian” mutually exclusive? I hear people use “gay” when they refer to men and “lesbian” when they refer to women, often in the same sentence.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
M.K., 27, straight black male, Los Angeles, CA

ANSWER 1:
Some people use “gay” and “lesbian” as mutually exclusive terms – identifying gender – and some use “gay” to apply to both men and women. It’s similar to the use of the words “man” and “woman.” The term “man” is often used to refer to humans as a group, including females, but humans of male gender aren’t routinely referred to as “women.” The term “gay” is quite often used to refer to the entire non-straight community, sometimes including bisexuals and transgenderd people as well as lesbians and gay men. The difference is that while gay men are not referred to as “lesbian,” some women prefer to call themselves “gay” while some prefer the term “lesbian.” Also, it has been my experience that straight people are more comfortable with the term “gay” than with the term “lesbian,” so it might be used as a more palatable term in some cases.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Laura W., 36, lesbian, <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>
Los Angeles , CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
There is sometimes divisiveness among us as to the appropriate terminology. I, for instance, refer to all same-sex oriented people as “gay,” and I believe most other men and women do, also. Some women prefer or demand to be referred to as lesbian, which I respect as well. No one has come up with a universally acceptable, all-inclusive expression. It might be similar to the expression “African American” vs. “black.” Some have a strong preference, and some could care less.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
David, gay/queer, Mexican/Latino, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
“Gay” can describe men or women. It originated in the late 19th century to describe gay men – probably referring to effeminate behavior. Gay people have taken this word as their own and so now use it to refer to both men and women. “Lesbian” refers to women only. The word comes from the legend of the women-only island of Lesbos in Greek mythology.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
B. Scaro, 30, gay <bscaro@hotmail.com,>, Hobart , Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
The term “gay” can refer to men and women. “Lesbian” is an exclusively female term. “Gay” is inclusive when talking about inanimate objects – like a gay bar, gay neighborhood, gay rights. It’s typically used as a descriptor for men, but has become increasingly used by women in recent years. I use the same rule of thumb as “Oriental Rugs/Asian People.” But when in doubt, ask the person which term they prefer.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Michael, 36, gay white male <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The way I understand it, and the way it seems to appear in journalistic stylebooks, is that “gay” is an adjective that can refer to men or women, while “lesbian” is a female-exclusive term used as a noun or adjective. To describe men, the term “gay men” is used frequently. As a gay guy, I shudder when I hear the term “gay” used as a noun, as in “Hundreds of gays marched in a pride parade.” I don’t know why I react that way. I guess I consider myself gay, not “a gay.”
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Doug, 30, gay, San Jose, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a woman and lesbian; just as I am offended at being referred to as a man (mankind, manpower) or guy (“hey, you guys” addressing a co-ed group), I am firm in the terms as separate. Some homosexual women prefer the term “gay” or feel it is generic (see: mankind). Some homosexual women are still dealing with their own internalized homophobia and are fearful of any term, be it lesbian, gay, queer, dyke or homosexual. I refer to my gay male friends as gay men, although I don’t often use it in party conversation., i.e. “Hey Bob, you gay man!”
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
A. Lee, 35, lesbian, Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
“Gay” was originally used for both sexes, but its use was dominated by men (like so many things), so “lesbian” has come to be used by women. They are now more or less mutually exclusive, at least for those who are politically active, and thus use such terms to identify how they feel about themselves; that is, one can be homosexual (though I don’t like the word) without being “gay” – self-accepting/proud etc. Interestingly, I’ve noticed that people often say “he’s gay” (as an adjective) but “she’s a lesbian” (as a noun). Not sure why that is.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Jeff <jleppard@hotmail.com>, Bangkok, Thailand

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The word “gay” has an interesting history. While its formal meaning has usually been “happy and carefree,” in Victorian times, it referred to prostitution. (There is a political cartoon of the era showing two bedraggled, miserable and painted women meeting on the street. One asks the other, “So Fanny, how long have you been gay?” I don’t know exactly when the homosexual community took it as its own; I believe it started after the Stonewall riots. I remember the hand-wringing of the pundits who were afraid of “corrupting an innocent word.” Being lucky enough to know many happy homosexual people, I am delighted that the original meaning can often be so appropriate. By the way when teaching at arts camp one year, a student asked me about a fellow teacher: “I’ve heard he’s gay.” My response? “Well, I know he’s very happy. Go look up the word.”
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Debra, 44, female <debra@whro.org>, Norfolk , VA
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO53: I recently overheard a man expressing his belief that “claiming to be gay is the popular thing to do nowadays.” I’ve noticed more and more homosexuals are “coming out of the closet.” I’ve assumed it’s because it’s becoming more socially acceptable, but could there be some truth to what this man said?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Beverly, 22, white, <Leutz@hotmail.com>, Jackson, MI

ANSWER 1:
Your first assumption is right: More gays are coming out as society becomes more tolerant. It’s pretty unimaginable for someone to call themselves gay for image reasons. First, when has being gay been popular or “cool”? Second, the hurdles and obstacles in life are so huge for gays that it’s not something you’d try to be, though I wouldn’t be anything else. I’m not allowed to marry; I can be legally discriminated against in most states; in the past sex months, I’ve known two gay teens who have died – one a suicide, the other (age 15), a bashing. It’s tough. I’ve been damned by some, told I “attract meteors and terrorist attacks” by Pat Robertson, and not allowed my civil and human rights. At this point, we’re facing struggles similar to what blacks and Jews faced in this nation.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Jason <jason@spyring.com>, Bay Area, CA
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO52: My fiancee’s older brother has given many indications to us that he’s gay. (Copies of OUT Magazine, feminine behaviors beyond what we’d consider normal, a framed AIDS awareness red ribbon, links to Gayweb on his computer, etc.) She and I are getting married in December. Her brother will be an usher at the ceremony, clearly a heterosexual union. Any pointers on how to avoid problems on my most special day?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Chris, straight white male <cdavis@oeonline.com>, Northville, MI

ANSWER 1:
As a gay man who has been a best man at a friend’s (straight) wedding, perhaps I can give a few pointers. First, treat him as any other participant. He will probably not want any special treatment or to be singled out. However, one thing that really hurt in the wedding I was in was that I was not permitted to dance with my partner. (I had asked out of respect for my friend, who indicated he preferred I not do so.) If your friend brings a date (do ushers do that?) and he wants to dance with him, I strongly suggest you let him. That way, you are treating him just like any other guest.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Frank S., gay <rsfc@earthlink.net>, Indianapolis, IN

FURTHER NOTICE:
What “trouble” are you expecting – a protest over the same-sex marriages or the reaction of your other guests or family? Is there some religious or other reason you wouldn’t want to include a gay person in your marriage celebration? Or is this about having (possibly) a gay in-law? From my experience as an usher at friends’ weddings – and as a gay man – I enjoyed taking part in that special day in the lives of my friends. The only time things got slightly uncomfortable was when I was asked about when I expected to get married. Depending on who asked the question, I tailored my answer. (You get used to this sort of thing.) My advice is to sit down with your fiancee and discuss any discomfort you may be feeling about the situation – lay it all out. Talk to your fiancee’s brother as well. Then relax and go ahead with your plans as is. Trust him.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Michael, 36, gay white male <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’m out to my family (though they’re not terribly pleased about it), and I was recently an usher at my sister’s wedding. My advice would be twofold: First, don’t worry too much. Chances are, he’s thinking first and foremost about his sister and helping make her special day an enjoyable one. Second, be aware he might feel out of place at moments (for instance, the constant “So when are you going to get married?” from other guests, or the fact he may not have felt comfortable bringing his significant other or a male date). Maybe do a little something to make him feel welcome. (Remember: A genuine smile is free and can brighten a tense moment in any social setting.) I loved being an usher at my sister’s wedding – during the reception, I didn’t bring a date, so I helped keep my three-year-old sweetheart of a niece out of the newlyweds’ hair!
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Brandon B., 22, gay <bbolinge@comp.uark.edu>, Fayetteville, AR

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Here are some pointers on how to make sure gay family and friends have a comfortable time at your wedding: Make sure they know they may invite a date/partner, if you are allowing straight invitees to do so as well. If you are including family and their opposite-sex partners in photos, be sure to include gay members and their partners as well. Don’t pressure a gay friend or relative to catch the bouquet/garter, especially those with partners. If they choose to participate in the ritual for the other sex (i.e. a man lining up for the bouquet) laugh with them and enjoy the fun. Select readings that value all relationships, not just “one man and one woman”. Don’t pressure gay friends or relatives to dance with people of the opposite sex. They may enjoy doing so, but let it be their choice. If they prefer to dance with a same-sex partner, relax and let them have fun. Allow them to dress as they feel comfortable, i.e. something colorful for a gay man, pants or a suit instead of a dress for a lesbian, if that’s what they prefer. During the reception, don’t ask them “When are you getting married?” or change the subject if they bring up their partner. If you suspect someone who will be at the wedding is intolerant of gay people, let them know firmly but kindly beforehand that you will not tolerate behavior that is disrespectful to other attendees. These suggestions were based on the pamphlet “Are you planning a wedding?” by Ramona Faith Oswald through the University of Minnesota.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
S. Addison, 24, bisexual female, Syracuse, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
If he is out to his family, and it sounds like he is, I would recommend letting him know he is welcome to bring a date, and then be sure to treat him like every other usher or future brother-in-law. From your question, it sounds like you are intimidated by his sexuality. It is important to remember that no matter what a person’s sexuality, race, gender, etc., everyone wants the same thing, to be unconditionally loved and accepted by their friends and family. You will soon be part of his family. Figure out how to deal with it – I think this is your problem, not his.
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
Nikki, straight white female, 29 <nichole.davis@tuckerknapp.com>, Chicago, IL
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO51: Why is it that when I hang around with my guy friends, they brag about how sexually experienced they are and all the wild things they’ve done, but when I mention I’ve slept with a woman or had a threesome, they freak out?
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Sherri C. 24, straight with bi tendencies, Campbell River, British Columbia, Canada

ANSWER 1:
Maybe it’s just the kind of male friends you have. Personally, I’d blink twice if a female friend told me of her bi/lesbian tendencies, but that’s only because it’s relatively unusual; I certainly wouldn’t denigrate anyone for it . Also, if it’s true that the ultimate male heterosexual fantasy involves two women, maybe it’s their way of disguising it?
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Andrew, 24, straight Chinese-Brit, London, England

FURTHER NOTICE:
That’s a double standard and it definitely is not fair at all. Perhaps your guy friends are simply jealous.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Sid, 26 <scsoke@hotmail.com, Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
My first thought was: “Your friends are lying, and they are terrified you’re telling the truth – and it’s a truth they have all fantasized about.”
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Debra, 44, female <debra@whro.org>,Norfolk , VA