Sexual Orientation Questions 21-30

THE QUESTION:
SO30: Why does it seem that gay people are obsessed with having sex at public rest areas?
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
John S., Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
I’m 32 and gay, and in all my years have never encountered nor have ever engaged in sex at a rest area. I will agree that some gay males have sex in parks, etc., but I believe this comes because of the past and was one of the only ways a closeted person could have sex with whom they wanted. I think someone with historical information could answer this better. I had to respond because I was surprised by the question. Perhaps it’s a regional thing.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
K.R., lesbian, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
It’s extremely important not to generalize here. Gay men are not “obsessed” with sex in public spaces. But a certain percentage, definitely a minority, frequent these places, for varied reasons. I can speak from personal experience – when I became sexually active in 1975, the only venue available for me for finding partners was the library bathroom at college. Since that time, there are obviously far more options available for gay men and lesbians who wish to meet, but these places usually exist only in larger urban areas. For many men in suburban/rural areas, public meeting places are still the only option. Another important element to consider is the sexual identity of the men who cruise these spots: They are often married men, for whom a visit to a gay bar is out of the question. Most of these men do not identify as gay, and would never imagine going to a gay bar or joining a gay community group. In addition to the fear of being found out, they simply don’t feel a part of gay culture – they compartmentalize their sexual activity with men as entirely separate from their “normal” life, and relegate this activity to an underground setting such as a rest stop or public restroom. Finally, there is a certain percentage of gay men who enjoy the thrill of public sexual encounters, but let me re-emphasize that all current data in this area suggest that the number of gay men who engage in this behavior is small. Perhaps when society becomes more supportive of gay relationships, including gay marriage, this type of behavior will become unnecessary and unwanted. In my case, I stopped going to these places once I came out to my family and friends and entered the larger gay community.
Mark M. 42, gay male <marknyc@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I was definitely a “rest stop” pig in my youth. A lot of it has to do with fear, being young, and opportunity. As a college student, I wasn’t out yet and didn’t have the courage to go to bars. At the same time I was incredibly horny. The only way I knew to get laid was at public restrooms or parks, where nobody even wanted to ask my name. Just sex. This anonymity gave me the illusion that “my secret” was safe. I did meet a lot of married guys there, too, probably for some of the same reasons. You’ll find that graphic graffiti and cruisy rest stops are most common in the suburbs (where there are few places for gay men to meet) and on places like college campuses or working-class neighborhoods where a lot of people are not out. This graffiti is very rare in New York City proper, for example, where there are many better places to go.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C. <tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It is important to remember that with even the most liberal estimates of gay poulation being 10 percent of the general poulation, that means that gay males would be 5 percent of the population. This means that if a gay male is looking to meet another gay male, only 1 in 20 people he meets will potentially be gay. Furthermore, a lot of gay men, me included, are not into the “bar scene” or hanging out in “gay areas” of town; therefore, it is natural that over the years, certain areas have evolved where gay men could congregate and be safe from “fag bashing” and other condemnation. Some people do engage in sex in these areas; however, a larger percentage are simply there to socially interact with other people of their persuasion.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Paris <paris.lover@mailexcite.com>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think, assuming that gay men have sex in these locations, that it has a lot to do with 1) Opportunity and 2) “Safety.” If washrooms were not segregated as to sex, I think we’d likely see a good deal of straight washroom sex. If women were not at risk of sexual assault going to parks and other public places at night, we’d probably see more opposite-sex public sex encounters. I think men have not been socialized to be more sexually adventurous and not fear “the night.” Part of the thrill of public sex is the possibility of getting caught – how many straight people have elevator sex fantasies?
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
A.B. <awb@writeme.com>, Vancouver, BC, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Some men are truly addicted to this behavior, unable or unwilling to express themselves in a more wholesome manner. They are not all exclusively gay, and many are married with no “safe” alternative to fulfill a sexual desire to be with another man. Some people may assume this is a gay phenomenon because the sex taking place is between men. I believe it to be more inclusive (of men in general), fueled by fear of society’s condemnation of homosexual contact.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
David, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO29: Does everyone (truthfully) have a fantasy of being with someone of the same sex? Most straight men become so defensive about this idea that I sometimes have to wonder. I think no one is truly 100 percent straight.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
K.W., 24, female, Orange Park, FL

ANSWER 1:
I believe most women do. Most men are too macho or afraid to admit to this. I would have sex with my hubby and another woman if I had a friend who would, but at the same time, my husband adamantly states he’d never do the same for me.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
27-year-old married white female

FURTHER NOTICE:
To K.W.: Why do you find it hard to believe no one can be completely straight? I am repulsed at thinking about having sexual relations with another woman. I am happily married and think having sex with my husband is fantastic. Believe it or not, I consider myself l00 percent straight. Anyone else out there have that same percentage?
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
39-year-old straight white female, Middletown, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
My philosophy is that probably everyone is on a continuum – that there really aren’t very many people who are either 100 percent straight or 100 percent gay. I think the vasy majority of people who aren’t close to 100 percent gay are likely to identify as straight because that’s what social pressure dictates. I would guess that’s why people who identify as bisexual are a definite minority, even within the gay-lesbian-bisexual-transgender community. While I identify as lesbian, I would really put myself at about 90 percent gay on my continuum.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Laura W., 36, lesbian <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>, Los Angeles , CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO28: Are people who are extremely homophobic really closet gays afraid to come out?
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Human Relations Class, T.J. High School <jskradski@council-bluffs.k12.ia.us>, Council Bluffs, IA

ANSWER 1:
I have not seen convincing evidence to confirm or deny this. While some extemely homophobic people may have suppressed homosexual desires and project their fear and hatred of these hidden feelings onto others, my guess is that for many people, homophobic behavior possibly serves different functions.

For those who engage in arson, physical assault and other violent forms of gay bashing, such behavior may engender feelings of power over a perceived easy scapegoat (just as against other targeted groups). Threats and violence may be used to intimidate gay people. However, the most widespread if not most virulent homophobic behavior I have witnessed has been generated or inspired by organized groups, often with specific political, membership-drive or fund-raising goals in mind. This will often show up during political campaigns, school board elections, corporate approval of domestic partnersip benefits or any time that expansion of some civil right to include gay, lesbian and bisexual people is under consideration.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
DykeOnByke <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I read a report stating that about 80 percent of a sample of highly homophobic men developed erections when shown pictures of male-to-male sexual interaction. (Yes, researchers measure erection directly). Unfortunately, the report I read didn’t include crucial information on what percentage of non-homophobic, straight-identified men showed erections to these pictures. If, for example, it turns out that men get erections when shown any kind of sexual activity, the reported results would not be meaningful. Anyone have more complete information?
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Will H., 48, Euro-American, gay, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Will: In a more complete write-up on the study, there was a control group of non-homophobic straight males whose responses to gay porn were drastically lower than those of the homophobes. Non-homophobic straight guys tended to see gay porn and think “whatever” and have very little response to it. Makes sense to me; that’s how I feel about straight porn: Whatever.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M.,44, gay male <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As followup to my earlier response to this question, an August 1998 presentation at the American Psychological Association convention reported results of a survey of nearly 500 San Francisco Bay area community college students concerning anti-gay harassment.

The study by University of Washington forensic psychologist Karen Franklin found that 24 percent of those surveyed admitted to anti-gay name-calling. Among men, 18 percent said they had physically assaulted or threatened someone they thought was gay or lesbian. Another 32 percent admitted they were guilty of verbal harassment. The figures were less for women.

Almost half the students said they would assault again in certain circumstances and either lacked remorse or did not see anything wrong with their behavior. Many explained their actions as self-defense, which Ms. Franklin said was based on their perception that gays are sexual predators. Other were thrill seekers or simply went along with their peers. Students who held back from attacking or harassing gays did not necessarily show more tolerance than the assailants. Many feared getting in trouble, she said.

Further details can be found in a San Francisco Examiner Aug. 16 article. Results such as these support my belief that much anti-gay violence is not the act of hate-filled extremists but sadly of ordinary people who have not been taught such behavior is wrong.

I applaud your Human Relations class for trying to understand such behavior. When my two nieces entered high school, I gave them copies of One in Ten and Two in Twenty, both excellent books by gay, lesbian and bisexual youth, hoping to increase their awareness of and kindness towards gay-lesbian-bisexual high school students at high risk of ridicule, harassment, violence and suicide.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian engineer <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I don’t have any more complete information on the report Will H. seeks, but I read a related survey on a different Internet site. All respondents were ask to classify themselves as Gay, Mostly Gay, Straight or Mostly Straight. On questions asking “If you knew he would say, “Yes!”, and no one would find out, would you ask your friend to masturbate with you?” Approximately 80 percent of those classifying themselves as Straight or Mostly Straight answered yes. A similar question was phrased “If you were asked, and no one would find out…” yielded about the same percent. Admittedly, not a scientific survey, and a biased sample (a masturbation website), but nevertheless, interesting. Over the years, I’ve had some unique opportunities hearing men “open up,” and I’m convinced a lot of straight men would actually like to engage in sexual play with other men, but are scared of the homosexual implications.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
B.K., 65, Orlando, FL
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THE QUESTION:
SO27: Why do some males seem to think all a lesbian needs to “convert” is a good man?
POSTED APRIL 29, 1998
DykeOnByke, monogamous lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

ANSWER 1:
As a gay male, I often hear the same comments form my female friends. (All I need is just one time with a good woman.) I can say “Been there, done that.” I was married seven years. I married because I was just as misguided as our straight friends in believing that my sexual orientation was a choice, and that all I needed was to make the “right” choice. Sorry to say it did not work. My wife knew of my gayness before we married, but thought the same, that she could change me. Even though I was 100 percent faithful, the pressure of that information was too great for her, and she eventually left. I think there are two thoughts to consider: 1) Most of us grew up being told sexuality was a choice. 2) I wonder if sometimes this statement is not merely a power trip for one’s sexual ego. Who knows? But it is a tiring line of B.S.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Steve N., 40, gay male <blaster7@hotmail.com>, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’d guess that the sort of guy who says things like this is also the sort of guy who thinks he’s hell-on-wheels in bed, period. Of course, we’ve all met braggarts before. I might be generalizing, but I’d venture a guess that guys like this turn off their heterosexual partners as much as their talk turns off lesbians. Anyone who thinks he’s such hot stuff as to be able to “convert” someone from their sexual preference is likely to be sadly mistaken. I’m a straight male, and I’ve had one homosexual encounter that wasn’t really all that pleasurable, and I’ve fantasized about one gay male I’d met several times at a gay club. But I highly doubt I could be “converted” by anyone. My own orientation is very much settled, as I assume yours is. You or another lesbian might or might not be willing to experiment, but nobody is going to be converted unless they’re looking to be.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
Sean, 30, straight male, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
SO26: The word is that gay men have lots of partners (especially pre-AIDS), and that many encounters are anonymous. Are gay men that much more promiscuous than heterosexuals, or do we just hear about the guys who are far out of the norm?
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Annette M., straight female, Ann Arbor, MI

ANSWER 1:
The answer is: A little of both. Gay men vary in their number of sexual partners as much as straight men or women. However, one of the things that keeps many straight men from having huge numbers of partners is sex roles: In Euro-American culture, men have the “gas pedal” in terms of sex, and women have the “brakes.” Men are expected to say, “Let’s do it!” and women are expected to say, “No, wait.” So naturally, when you take the brakes out of the picture, some gay men are going to careen out of control. In my therapy practice (not a random sample) and my friendships (likewise) with gay men and lesbians, I’ve found that most people are fairly unremarkable in number of partners; gay men tend to have more; some gay men have nearly unbelievable numbers. Gay men’s sexual problems often fall in the direction of compulsive behavior and having trouble connecting sex and love. Lesbians tend to have trouble keeping sexual fires burning (all brake, no gas). Just as you’d expect.
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Will H., 48, white, gay, psychotherapist, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE:
Since I haven’t seen any hard statistical data on the subject, my theory regarding monogamy vs. promiscuity revolves more on gender than sexual orientation. While there are numerous exceptions, in general it seems to me that overall as a group women tend to be more monogamous (nestors) while men as a group tend to be sexually active with a wider variety of partners (bees). How much of this is innate vs. learned is debatable, but the outcome in favor of monogamy seems to increase with each pair listed next: male/male, male/female and female/female.

Frequency of sexual activity, however, does not necessarily correlate to number of different sex partners. Monogamous pairs (of any sexual orientation) can be just as sexually active as their non-monogamous counterparts.
POSTED APRIL 29, 1998
DykeOnByke, monogamous lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Having rejected one of the traditional mores that “being gay is bad,” it becomes easier to reject others such as “being naked is bad,” “sex is for procreation,” “only have sex with your married partner,” etc. The bottom line for me is yes, I know gay men who claim over 2,000 partners … and I know gay men who can still count their partners on one hand. We’re just as varied as everyone else.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Adam S., 28, gay white male <schmidt@care.org>, Atlanta, GA
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THE QUESTION:
SO25: I am a gay male of mixed racial heritage. Although I can pass for a white male, all of my life I have chosen to identify with the African-American community. My partner is black, and I love and adore him. My questions: Why do both straight and gay African Americans continue to make abusive remarks toward us, and what positive things can we do to improve our situation regarding this?
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Steve N., 40 <blaster7@hotmail>, Dallas, Texas

ANSWER 1:
All of us are raised with some form of baggage. In my case, being raised in the South (Kentucky, Alabama and Texas) exposed me to a lot of prejudice against blacks. The positive part was that all this time was spent on or near military bases, which were integrated, so I had black classmates. All of us carry some form of prejudice, but education and self-awareness can help overcome it. That’s why I always laugh at the “gay agenda” so strongly touted by the Right. What agenda? I can’t find very many gay men who can agree on where to have dinner together, much less a whole sociopolitical platform!
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Mark B., <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Touchy question, to be sure. I, too, look white but am very mixed. The hard core answer is that black folks often feel your partner is sleeping with the enemy. I hear the same response toward interracial heterocouplings. It goes with living in a culture where one group so dominates another. Unfortunately, people judge quickly, harshly and often erroneously, and your partner will often be seen as throwing in with a very powerful enemy, and you will be seen as a sexual colonialist. I’ve been on both sides of that fence, and empathize with your discomfort. I’ve been called a “race traitor,” but I’d rather be a race-traitor than a slave-trader.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M., gay Melungeon <QTeacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Max M.: Please explain how you can condemn racism in your answer and then commit it yourself. You say “I’d rather be a race-traitor than a slave-trader.” By the gist of your response, I can only assume you are implying that all white people should be considered “slave-traders.” To me, that is insulting and racist, and not unlike most of your responses to this forum. You seem to have a lot of answers for people on the topic of racism … can you explain why it is all right for you to be so racist and hateful toward straight white men?
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
John K., 25, straight Irish-American male, <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ
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THE QUESTION:
SO24: Why do some gay men feel they have to sound gay?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Derek Y., Duluth, MN

ANSWER 1:
I think the answer lies in the question, “Why do some straight men feel they have to sound macho?” Sometimes, whether it is a gay or straight man, the reason is simply that he is advertising for a mate (or at least a sexual encounter). Other times, it may be that he wants to fit in with the others in the crowd. Or it may be that he is distinguishing himself from all the others (a need to be different). There are other times when the person simply has no control over how he sounds, whether that is a result of genetics, development or societal conditioning. I am a gay male, and among my gay male friends, I find examples of just about every reason noted above. I can also say this is true of my many straight male friends as well. You might also take into consideration that only in relatively recent times have gay men been allowed to be “out” to such an extent in public and truly be themselves rather than what the straight world demanded they be.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Dennis P., 48, gay <buckets@flash.net>, Tucson, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE:
A friend told me he developed the sound and mannerisms to let women know he was gay. He was very attractive to straight women.
POSTED AUG. 27, 1998
G. Cook <gjcook27@hotmail.com>, Dallas, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO23: Why is it homophobic to believe there are some situations in which heterosexuals have a right to insist gays or lesbians be excluded? It is my belief that homosexuality is not a choice, but a genetic result. It is also not an “alternate lifestyle.” It is an unfortunate aberration like other genetic disabilities. I embrace the right of “outed” gay people to compete in the marketplace, side-by-side with their straight colleagues, with two or three exceptions, e.g., military basic training and the teaching profession up through middle school. I have worked for and respected a gay boss, and I have served on the boards of several arts organizations and count a number of gay individuals among my coterie of friends.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
J. Garcia, 60 <garrelates@worldnet.att.net>, Charlotte, N.C.

ANSWER 1:
You act as though I have a disability because I’m gay. I don’t think you have a disability because you are old. Why should I think that I, a grown, educated woman who pays taxes, loves and lives, should be excluded from anything? Because a straight 60-year-old thinks I should? It’s great you can work alongside gays, but I’d hate to have you as a boss or parent.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
K.R., lesbian, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Your post contradicts itself. You say that you believe homosexuality is a genetic trait, yet you want to deny gays the right to teach. If homosexuality is inherited, not learned, what harm would there be in exposing children to gay teachers? If you believe being gay is a disability, do you also believe that other disabled people should not teach, such as someone who is confined to a wheelchair? If homosexuality is a genetic trait, why should gays be excluded from the military, since many gay people have been among the most highly honored in the history of the military? Because straight recruits are uncomfortable around them? If a white recruit is uncomfortable around a black recruit, should blacks also be barred? Who decides which genetic traits are acceptable and which are not? You don’t state what other situations from which you feel gays should be excluded, but the two you mentioned do indeed sound homophobic. I can’t think of a situation in which the exclusion of gays would be other than homophobic, except perhaps for a straight orgy! In any other place, one’s behavior in the bedroom has no bearing on other activities, and therefore, exclusion is homophobic, pure and simple.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Mark M., gay male <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
You ask a specific question about social rules, then back it up with a list of prejudicial stereotypes: “Unfortunate abberation,” “disability,” the assumption that gays are somehow dangerous to children. All of these are deeply offensive. Yet you seem to imagine your statements are reasonable. Your name indicates you are Hispanic. Certainly you would be offended if I suggested your heritage was too bad, but I knew you couldn’t help it; that I thought you should have equal rights to jobs – except that you should be kept away from money and any situation in which you might lose your temper. (I certainly hope you’d be offended!) The parallels are exact. As with any prejudice, the basis – indeed the definition – of homophobia is the belief that gay/lesbian/bisexual people are inferior to straight people and that, due to that inferiority, their choices in life should be limited. I reject that assumption. If you hold it, you are homophobic. It’s that simple.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Will H., Euro-American, 48, gay, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To J. Garcia: You number among those who feign love of all people, including gays, but who believe it is for our (gays’) own good – as well as society’s – that we be socially constrained in some ways that heterosexuals are not. I would rather be perceived as a criminal than to win membership in your kind of society.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
Ezekiel K., 47, gay <ezekielk@mailcity.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Why, Mr. Garcia, what a fortunate coterie of gay friends you have! They have in you a friend with such affection, respect and understanding for them, yet from whose every pore seeps contempt and fear. You don’t need to ask questions about gay people, you need to ask questions about friendship.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M. <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO22: Why do gay people think it is normal to be gay when it is impossible for gay people to reproduce? If it were normal, and God’s way, wouldn’t that be possible?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
John R., Livonia, MI

ANSWER 1:
Reproduction has nothing to do with being normal. What about women who have had hysterectomies? Are they abnormal? What about men who are sterile? Are they abnormal? Being gay may not be normal for you, but for me and all other gay and lesbian people, it is as normal as breathing air. Merriam-Webster defines normal as “one that is normal; the usual condition, level or quantity; regular, standard or natural.” For gay people, it is our usual condition, we are regular and natural. I feel that if God didn’t want me to be gay, He wouldn’t have made me gay. And for those who say I “chose” to be gay, think about this: Why would I choose to be harrassed, abused, ridiculed, hated or killed? Being gay is not easy, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Andrew V.,San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
“Normal” describes that which is practiced by or inherent in the majority. This does not mean being “normal” is better or even preferable to being “different.” (Personally, I love the line of the young girl in the play The Fantasticks: Please, God, don’t let me be “normal”! Secondly, why would the inability to reproduce have any effect on whether a trait is normal? Straight people have given birth to gay people throughout history, so it is clear that it is “normal” for a certain percentage of the human population to be attracted to the same sex. This has not had any ill effect on the growth of the world’s population, and there is no reason to fear it will. In the end, it is clear the world God created contains a number of animal species (including humans, monkeys, seagulls and many others) that produce homosexual offspring – ain’t that grand? Perhaps it’s time we start celebrating God’s creation instead of questioning it.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Mark M., gay male <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It is not impossible for gay people to reproduce. Our reproductive organs work just fine, thank you. While studies have shown that only 25 percent of gay men are likely to father children, lesbians mother children in almost equal proportions to our heterosexual counterparts. However, having children doesn’t make people “normal.” It just makes us proud parents and potential grandparents.

A variety of sexual orientations and a continuum of various sexual expressions have been prevalent throughout history. To me, “normal” generally means within the range of a normal distribution curve, which includes heterosexual, bisexual and homosexual behavior as well as orientation. It would probably not include such things as the alleged “parthenogenic” (reproduced through an unfertilized ovum) conception of Jesus. Such an occurrence wouldn’t necessarily be bad or “abnormal,” just something so infrequent as not to fall under a normal distribution curve – and certainly not anything I would feel I needed to judge or inform other people I thought wasn’t normal. I would consider that both judgmental and rude.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian mother <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To John: Is it also against God for people to have their reproducive organs tied? Is it against God to have people with Down Syndrome or an extra chomosome that keeps them from having children? Is it against God for people to love each other no matter if they can have children or not? Isn’t homosexuality the same kind of situation as having a working couple with no time for children, so they don’t have any? In my opinion, homosexuality is a good thing because the world is overpopulated as it is. And for my final argument, aren’t we all God’s children, created in his own image?
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
S.R., Niagara, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
In the beginning God created Adam and Eve, male and female. Not male and male, or female and female. Homosexuality was definitely not God’s plan. However, when sin entered into the picture, everything was corrupted. We are still paying the consequences today in our society. Homosexuality is no worse a sin than anything else, but it is a sin no less.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
C.P., 33, white female, Redford, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Nature has normal and abnormal occurrences. Until homosexuals evolve into a species that can sustain itself through reproduction and can generate other homosexuals, they will always be considered a mutation of another type of species. The purpose of sex in nature is to reproduce. Without the ability for homosexuals to create another being without the genes of heterosexuals, the chances of a homosexual species being created is very slim.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
A.B., Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The question (and several of the answers) presume there is a God. Not everyone buys into that, and why should they? One natural selection argument I’ve heard goes something like this: There is a genetic advantage to having the occasional same-sex-oriented offspring, particularly in times of stress, such as drought or famine. These offspring are less likely to reproduce (though not incapable of it), thus reducing the burden on the food supply or other resources. Conversely, they are more likely to be involved in the care, protection and providing for other members of the family or social group. Even if there is a God, this sounds to me like an awfully nice bonus to have thrown in. Why do people work so hard to put a limit on the things their God is capable of doing?
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Rex T., former Baptist, rex_tremende@hotmail.com, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
There are other ways to promote the species besides reproduction. Reproducing uses a lot of a human beings resources (energy, time, money). Many people think gays are more creative and innovative than straights. Maybe gays promote the species through innovations in science and medicine. Maybe gays make the world a better place for straight people’s kids by their artistic influence. I think God knew what he was doing when he invented gays.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Kat, 36, lesbian, Los Angeles, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO21: Why do some gays and lesbians assume that if a person doesn’t accept a homosexual lifestyle that they are a hateful homophobe? Isn’t it possible to accept that while we may not agree with the lifestyle, we can still accept and get along with the person?
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Jayce M., 24, straight male, Royal Oak, MI

RELATED QUESTION:
Why is it that many gay people get upset when straight people say they are proud of being straight, even though gays say they are gay and proud?
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Tim, 21, straight white male <Inflicted1@aol.com>
Canton, MI

ANSWER 1:
Your (Jayce’s) question indicates a heterosexist bias in assuming there is something less than acceptable about being gay or lesbian in the first place. If I were to substitute the words “black,” “Muslim,” “female,” “Christian,” “Hispanic,” etc., for the word “homosexual,” the bias in your question becomes much more apparent. If you do not accept “the black lifestyle” and can get along with a black co-worker, can you still deny you are racist? There is a difference between embracing (taking onto oneself) a difference and accepting (acknowledging that the difference exists and is an equally legitimate and valuable alternative). I can accept that a person is male, or heterosexual, or Hindu, or Native American and honor that as being just as central to their sense of self, as being a good, positive and necessary part of their life, as not requiring any kind of value judgement on my part, without my embracing that difference in my own life (as indeed many differences cannot be changed even if a person wanted to, sexual orientation being one of these).
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian engineer and corporate diversity council member,<DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
To Jayce: Racism, sexism, homophobia, etc., are all most dangerous when they are applied to groups. By accepting a gay individual but not the gay “lifestyle” (and what does that mean, anyway?), you are saying that most likely you would vote against equal rights for gays, and perhaps be vocal about preventing gays from being teachers, getting married, etc. It is this oppression of gays as a group that is most harmful. I have straight friends who treat me fine, but when it comes to asking their support in the voting booth, etc., they get nervous. This is the kind of discrimination that the civil rights, feminist and gay rights movements have fought for years – the feeling that members of a group are OK one-on-one, but that they must be oppressed as a group. It won’t work, and we won’t stand for it. We ask for nothing more than the same rights as everyone else, and someone who finds us “unacceptable” as a group is unlikely to agree with that. In the end, if you’re not our friend, you’re against us.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Mark M., gay male, 41 <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Jayce responds: Perhaps I should clarify myself. The example I had in mind was that of my younger brother, Paul. He is a gay male. I love my brother with all of my heart and would die for him if it were necessary, but I don’t condone his sexual preference. As a Christian, I don’t feel I can. Paul knows this and understands it. I am in support of the right for gays to vote, hold whatever job they desire, etc. I just have a moral problem with the sexual aspect of it. Call me a prude, and you’re probably right. I believe in the concept of “hate the sin, love the sinner.” (I know, calling it a “sin” is inflammatory, I just don’t know how else to put it). But when Paul’s friends hear of my position, they tell him I am a bigot who hates all gays and wants to shove them back into the closet for good. That’s not the case. I guess my question is, Am I a bigot? Is this a fair assumption by my brother’s friends?
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Jayce M., 24, straight white male, Royal Oak, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Jayce: You asked whether you were a bigot. As a gay male, I don’t think so. However, you are in the unique position of having only your understanding brother for a friend. In a polemical society such as ours, you can’t justify your position to either side. To those who agree with you morally, you promote the sin by empowering the sinners. To those who are gay, you fall into the “with friends like this, who needs enemies” category. In reality, you’re the easiest target for both sides and will be called all manner of names.
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Michael, gay male <TheMartian@juno.com>
Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To Tim (Related Question above): Sexual orientation is an innate characteristic, not a personal accomplishment for which one can take credit. Just as black pride is not pride over skin color itself, gay pride is not pride about one’s sexual orientation per se. It is pride in living our lives openly despite great disapproval and persecution. It is persevering under hardship and creating our own extended families of support and nurturance. It is fighting for our civil rights – to hold jobs, marry, raise our children, serve our country, visit our partners in the hospital, walk down the street without being beaten or shot, to simply be who we are.

While I have never heard anyone say that they are proud of being straight, I would probably view such a statement similarly to that of “white pride.” As a white person in a predominantly white society, I do not suffer the discrimination and racism racial minorities do. I have no huge ethnic obstacle to overcome that would engender “white pride” and would consider the concept a kneejerk reaction by those who do not really understand black pride. Likewise, I would consider “straight pride” a kneejerk reaction by those who do not really understand gay pride.

To Jayce: If you really love your kid brother and don’t want him to become another suicide statistic, I would recommend you stop using inaccurate and judgmental phrases such as “sexual preference” and attend some PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) meetings to help educate yourself on how your behavior may be helping to rob your brother of his dignity and self-respect. I know it is difficult for you to understand, but PFLAG will have other family members like you who can help you. There is a monthly Sunday meeting in Troy near you. You do not need to change your religious beliefs in order to learn behavior that will help you strengthen your relationship with your brother.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
DykeOnByke, white lesbian mother <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To DykeOnByke: Why did you say sexual preference is an inaccurate term? While there have been studies suggesting there might be a gene that renders someone predisposed to be gay, as of yet there is no proof. The theory of innate homosexuality is as much a theory as evolution and spontaneous generation of life.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Roger, 38, black male professor, Wayne State University, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To DykeOnByke: Thank you very much for your mature, kind and intelligent response to Jayce’s question. As a biracial gay in an interracial relationship, I definitely appreciate the gentle yet firm way you point out that simply replacing “homosexuality” with either a race or religion shows the slightly skewed attitude of many people. Your response instilled a sense of pride and was greatly appreciated.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Steve N., 40 <blaster7@hotmail>, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
To Roger: It’s a fine point, but an important one. Regardless of genetics, most people are aware of their sexual orientation even before they know what sex is. In early childhood, the “charge” is toward the opposite sex. Later, they figure out the sex part. By the same token, you probably never sat down one day and said, “Let’s see: Do I want to be attracted to men or women? Which do I think would look better on my arm? What are the pros and cons?” No, you just knew where your attractions lay. And most likely, if you imagined trying to switch your orientation, you’d be partly lost, partly horrified. It just wouldn’t be you. People have preferences for brands of cars, or for the blue shirt to the red one today. Sexual orientation is an entirely different experience. It is a fact of one’s nature; a truth about oneself. The word “preference” gives the impression that it’s A) fairly trivial and B) a matter almost of whim. And it’s not.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Will H., Euro-American, 48, gay, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
To Roger: “Sexual preference” is an inaccurate term because it mistakenly implies that sexual orientation is a choice. No one’s sexual orientation (whether homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual) is a choice.

Behavior is a choice. People can choose to be celibate, monogamous, promiscuous or downright libertine regardless of their sexual orientation. Gays and lesbians can choose to be closeted or choose to live openly. With their partner’s concurrence, adults can even choose with whom they will be sexual, whether this coincides with their sexual orientation or not. But feelings are not a choice. Sexual orientation is not a choice. No one chooses with whom they will fall in love or to whom they will be sexually attracted.

For further information on using accurate and appropriate language when writing or speaking about gay, lesbian and bisexual issues, please see the Stylebook Addenda of Gay/Lesbian Terminology published by the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association at http://www.nlgja.org/programs/style.html
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian engineer and corporate diversity council member <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
To Roger: You asked DykeOnByke why she says sexual preference is wrong, I would like to respond as well. I am a 40-year-old gay male raised in the South. I remember the first man I fell in love with (I use the term “love” loosely here). I remember he had a hairy, muscular chest, well-developed arms and a slightly balding head. I was a mere 5. Nothing ever happened, he was happily married and no one ever knew of my attraction. I knew then that I liked being around men. Even though I grew up and dated girls, they were never an issue for me, there was no real attraction (only social pressures). I have come to resent the idea of many straights that my attraction to men is a choice, that I made a decision between males and females. First of all, how does a 5-year-old make that kind of decision? He has neither the tools, skills nor information needed. Secondly, why is it that I was given a “choice” in the matter and you were not? Can you honestly tell me the date, circumstances and reason you chose female attraction over male attraction? Did you “try” both before you decided? Did you give sex with both sexes a fair and equal chance? What was the experience like? When you can honestly answer those questions in the affirmative, then I can accept the term “sexual preference” as valid. Until then, the fact remains that I have known I was gay for more than 35 years.
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Steve N., 40, gay male <blaster7@hotmail>, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
To Jayce: Just because some Christian churches preach homosexuality is evil does not mean all do. The majority that do not condemn homosexuality – in fact, see it as as normal as heterosexuality – are in Western Europe. There are, of course, some churches in the United States that regard homosexuals as normal, with yet more in Canada, Australia and New Zealand (because of their progressive heritage from Western Europe).

You should either change churches or become a non-church Christian like myself (I am also gay). Anyone who remains a member of a church that preaches homophobia is participating in slander and preaching violence to a basically harmless group of people. Remember: When Christ returns, there will be many who claim to do good deeds in His name, to whom He will say, “I know you not.”
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
Ezekiel K., 47, gay <ezekielk@mailcity.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
To Roger (Further Notice 5): I do not need gene proof to know my homosexuality is innate. I have never known any other desire or compelling psychological urge than being attracted to males. I tried enthusiastically until age 27 to date females, all in the face of no sexual desire for them. The only proof anyone needs that my sexuality is innate is that I am a black man in America. Why would I choose to add another “steel beam” to carry around? And why would any white guy in America suddenly decide to thrust himself into a minority that is vilified, based on some personal “preference” or “kink”? Trying to be straight when you’re gay is like being right-handed (another thing that cannot be explained) and being forced to write with your left – when nobody is looking, you’re going to write with you right. I could not continue to live as a fraud, especially to the women I dated. It’s dishonest and goes against everything I stand for morally; I learned that in church, too.
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Mark A., 39, black, gay male, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I feel that a heterosexual saying they are proud of their heterosexuality is almost a mockery of what gays and lesbians have experienced. It’s the same reason many blacks are offended by the formation of the National Association for the Advancement of White People. People in the mainstream often have little conception of what it means to be on the receiving end of oppression and discrimination. Therefore, being “proud” to be heterosexual is nothing at all like feeling “proud” to be homosexual. Try to imagine what it would feel like to have to hide who you are inside, not to be able to openly express your love to someone publicly, where the simple gesture of holding hands with someone you love has to be stifled, and God forbid if you want to marry them and have a committed lifetime relationship. Most heterosexual people cannot fathom this because it is not their reality. Being “proud” has no particular meaning if you have never felt shame for who you are, so people who really understand the importance of that pride are understandably offended by the casual use of the term.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Sandy, 30, lesbian <ThPanther@aol.com>, Elizabeth, N.J.

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
I have a deep and lasting belief in the Bible and feel that homosexuality is unequivocably a very bad thing in the context of the Bible. If I simply believe this, right or wrong, why am I labeled a “homophobe”? Don’t I have the right to find this type of activity wrong? It seems we have found a label for every belief. These labels compartmentalize everyone into nice, neat blocks of human beings like fast food or new car advertisements. We are are all individuals, whether we agree on some point or not. I would like to introduce another label: “Heterophobia.” Let the labeling continue. Reduce every belief to a phobia, take away the individual, and then you can hate so much easier, because it’s not a person but a belief system you hate. Dehumanizing the enemy is the first step in warring with another nation.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Vince <vmatt@bellsouth.net>, Louisville, KY

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I see as homophobic any person who demonstrates disagreement with my lifestyle because I don’t understand why they think it is their business to agree or disagree with how I live my life. I consider it judgmental for a person to presume to agree or disagree with my lifestyle. I don’t presume to approve or disapprove of straight people’s lifestyle. I’m not hurting anyone. I’m not forcing my attentions on anyone who doesn’t want them. I don’t just want to “get along” with people. I want them to respect me. If they don’t, I’m not likely to put much time or energy into my association with them, and if the lack of respect is based on the category in which I have been placed by them, as opposed to real knowledge about me, I consider that a bigoted attitude.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Laura W., 36, lesbian, <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I’m gay and have heard dozens of gay men and women say “I’m proud to be a dyke” or “I’m proud to be gay” and then add no further comment. I don’t blame straight people for being confused by this. Sexual orientation is not something you achieve or work for. You might as well be saying “I’m proud to have 10 fingers.” I rather hear people say “I’m not the least bit ashamed to be gay” or “I’m gay and I’m proud of my life.” It’s not fair for us to expect straight people to automatically know what we really want to say. If we have a message for others to hear, we should speak clearly in the first place.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Will, 32, gay <whuer@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
To Vince, Jayce, et al: The word “phobia” is defined as a “uncontrollable fear, revulsion or discomfort.” Homophobia is a strong fear or revulsion regarding homosexuality. I would say that if you are revolted by homosexuality, then you are indeed homophobic. This says nothing about your ethics as a person, though. I personally have met homophobes who I grudgingly admitted to myself were non-violent, honorable people. On the other hand I have also met violent and cruel homophobes. The problem is that you can only tell the difference by allowing yourself to be vulnerable to attack and seeing how they behave. You have to trust someone before you can find out if they will betray you. The stakes are high. Many gay people don’t take this chance, and most have never had a homophobic friend as a result. For this reason, I’m afraid most gay men and women do not believe that someone who has a heartfelt and honest objection to homosexuality can be trusted to behave ethically when our welfare is concerned.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Will H., 32, gay white male <whuer@hotmail.com>, NY, NY