Sexual Orientation Questions 1-10

THE QUESTION:
SO10: Why do some straight people assume that the children of a gay couple will become gay? I, like most gay men, came from straight parents, yet I’m gay.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Mike O., Ann Arbor, MI

ANSWER 1:
In my opinon, many people who are naive about the origins of human sexuality believe children are inherently asexual and will “absorb” sexual feelings from adults around them, sort of like the butter placed next to the onion in the refrigerator.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Lew T., 52, married, gay with children <lthom3@aol.com>
Grosse Pointe, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I feel it’s because of the “recruiting” myth we in the gay and lesbian community face from the religious right. Since we cannot reproduce “naturally,” we have to recruit helpless boys and girls into our lifestyle. Nothing could be further from the truth!
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Marlene <marleneb@wcnet.org>, N. Baltimore, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have strong suspicions this has to do with a long-standing “straight” community view that same-sexuality (is that a word?) is a “wrong” condition, almost like an illness (as in the view by some that homosexuality can be “cured”). After all, while a healthy person can “catch” a cold from a sick person, you’d never expect a sick person to “catch” health from a healthy person! (The old “rotten apple” superstition. Why is it never said that one good apple will make a barrel of rotten apples good?)
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO9: I was just wondering why some gay males act very feminine, while others tend to act relatively “normal.”
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
R.Y.,22, Detroit suburb, MI
(Similar question posted June 10, 1998, by Marty, 51, Martysus@ix.netcom.com, Mission Viejo, CA)

ANSWER 1:
One theory is that sexual orientation is genetic and hormonal. Nobody chooses to be gay (however, there are exceptions to the rule). Some people who are sexually predisposed to be gay have more of a hormonal imbalance. For instance, a gay man who acts feminine has more of an imbalance than a gay man who acts straight. Also, the same is true for women. Lesbians who act manly have more of an imbalance than lesbians who act like a woman.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Petro, 24, E. Lansing, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a gay male psychology student who has studied all of the current pertinent theories about sexual orientation – and quite a bit on gender identity, I must strongly disagree with Petro’s explanation. There is no evidence that genetics or hormone levels affect masculinity or femininity beyond denoting our biological sex, despite many studies that have sought to find such a correlation.

When it comes to gender conformity, gay, lesbian, and bisexual people are no different from heterosexual people. The difference is in the socialization that gay, lesbian and bisexual individuals experience. Once an individual identifies, or even suspects they are homosexual, they naturally try to find meaning in that and look to society to provide “role models” or other ideas of acceptable behavior within that identity. What they often find are stereotypes that present gay men as effeminate and lesbians as butch. Many people unconsciously emulate and internalize these stereotypes, adopting mannerisms that meet societal expectations. Most gay men, lesbians and bisexual people are not identifiable by such mannerisms, however. The majority of us are indistinguishable from heterosexuals unless we choose to reveal our sexual orientation.
Tony T., 31, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think the need to develop a theory as to why homosexuals prefer same-sex partners, etc. is assuming that heterosexuality is “normal” and feminine women and masculine men are “normal.” This assumption is flawed in that there are many masculine straight women and many feminine straight men, as well as a variety of variances in between among straight, gay and bisexuals. People come with many different qualities and characteristics with varied sexual preferences. No one style, in my opinion, is the norm.
K.R., 32, lesbian, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
K.R. claims that the assumption that heterosexuality is “normal” behavior is flawed. I would like to point out that we are a species that reproduces sexually. This means that in order to produce offspring, one member of each sex is needed. If a species that reproduces sexually is comprised of homosexual individuals, then that species will die out. How can heterosexuality be anything but “normal” behavior?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
N.T., 19, straight white male, Mich.

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As a gay man in San Francisco, I have seen a spectrum of masculine/feminine behavior in both straight and gay people. Perhaps the reason there seems such a difference between the behaviors of men who seem very masculine and those who do not has more to do with the fear the “butch” men have of being mistaken for homosexuals. Some gay men also wish not to be “pegged” as homosexuals for safety reasons when they are in a threatening environment; and even among their peers, some gay men feel masculine behavior will make them more attractive to potential mates.

Often, masculine qualities and mannerisms are as much an affectation as the effeminate qualities society has attached to gay men in general: A “masculine” man may act butch by speaking without inflection, in low tones that do not reflect the passion or emotions he feels; he may walk purposefully, intentionally limiting the swing of his arms or hips to avoid being seen as a “swisher”; he may “dress down” and avoid the “flair” of color or accents that people associate with gays. These attempts to distance themselves from gay stereotypes makes even the normal expressions of all men, gay or straight, much more polarized, and I know there are plenty of straight men in the world who have been questioned about their sexuality simply because their natural expressions of voice, walk, dress or other qualities did not fall into someone else’s rigid definition of masculinity.

Some gay men have found enough support for their individuality that they feel they can dispense with any kind of masculine affectation (“I’ve already admitted I’m gay — the ‘worst’ has already happened: Why bother trying to hide it as if it’s bad when it’s just the way I am?”), and still others affect a feminine persona to bond with others who feel similarly, and also for comic, “camp” effect. There simply is just no one way of being, gay or straight.
Bill G., 28, gay man, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I’d like to counter N.T. of Michigan above, who argues that heterosexuality must be “normal” for the human race to survive. This is a misuse of the word “normal.” Certainly, for our species to survive, a large number of humans must engage in heterosexual sex and reproduce. But this does not mean they cannot engage in other sexual behavior, such as bisexuality, nor does it exclude the possibility that a significant minority of human beings can remain exclusively homosexual. It is clear from the history of the human race that it has always been “normal” for a certain percentage of the population to be exclusively homosexual. This has been recorded throughout the history of humankind, with no apparent ill effect on the population explosion. Other animal species also include exclusively homosexual members, and still manage to avoid extinction. In the final analysis, “predominant” and “normal” are not the same thing.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Mark M., gay white male <marknyc@hotmail.com>, NY, N.Y.

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
If, as one commentor asserts, homosexuality is not associated with genes, how is it that some young kids have an innate homosexuality? My mother, a psychologist, remembers her younger brother being effeminate from a very early age, only playing with girls and doing things girls do, such as playing with dolls. And it turns out he grew up to be gay (and eventually died of AIDS.) Her other two brothers turned out to be heterosexual, as did her two sisters. It seems this is predetermined from a very early age, which would lead one to believe the genetic theory.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
William, 20, straight, white <wrightw@ionet.net>, Broken Arrow, OK

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
It is very common for gay people to say that “gay people are no more likely than straights” to have gender-related affectations, and that “most” gay people are indistinguishable from straight people in terms of their behavior. This is hogwash. I’m gay and out, and I strongly feel that gay men definitely tend to be more effeminate than straights. As for the old chestnut that gays “internalize stereotypes” when young, I think that’s a convenient way to criticize straight people while subtley stigmatizing the effeminate (after all, stereotypes are “bad”). As a historian, I have seen many references to “womanly” men from the past. The stereotype was born from reality, not the other way around.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C., 33, gay male <tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I’d like to counter N.T.’s assertions but from a slightly different point of view than Mark M’s. If I read N.T.’s final comment in the right light, it would seem that he implies that heterosexuals must either A) reproduce because they are heterosexual or B) reproduce to prove they are heterosexual. As to the original question, “normal” to whom? I have grown to the ripe old age of 38, and every time someone (gay or straight) discovers I am gay, they don’t believe it. Why? Because to them, I am a “normal” straight white male. I like powerful cars, work with computers, repair my house and love rock & roll. My very existence shatters their reality when it comes to normal. Within two or three weeks of them finding out about me, they begin to question everything they thought they knew about gay and straight. Go figure.
POSTED JULY 2 ,1998
Martin M., 38, gay white male <panterra@borg.com>, New Berlin, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
My experience and observation convince me that how “masculine” or “feminine” we act is based in large measure on who gave us love and acceptance when we were very young. Many gay men are more effeminate because in their first 2-5 years, the only adult family members who provided unflinching emotional nurturing were women. Role modeling is inextricably tied to the withdrawal from nurturing by fathers and other straight males, who I believe have a biochemical awareness that their sons are “not right.” Many mothers of gay sons overcompensate for fathers’ detachment, as did mine. I am more “masculine” not because I identified with my dad but because my mother was a very masculine – though heterosexual – woman. Thus I believe the myth of detached fathers and smothering mothers “causing” homosexuality has it exactly backwards. If all fathers accepted their gay infant sons, “effeminacy” would pass into history.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Chris A. <amoon@insync.net>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
In response to N.T.’s remark that heterosexuality must be the norm because of the species’ need to reproduce: Wouldn’t it also serve the species to have members of the population free of the responsibilities of child-rearing? Perhaps the homosexual population fills an evolutionary need – to serve as military commanders, spiritual leaders, teachers, healers, the kind of workers who must put the welfare of the whole village before the needs of their own children. (Not that I believe this – and gays have the same yearning for kids that straights do – but I enjoy thinking about it.)
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
C.J. Webbles, lesbian, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO8: It has been my experience that homosexuals have extreme dislike for bisexuals. Is this true, and why?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
J.S., MI

ANSWER 1:
I’ve been active in the gay world for 25 years, both as a participant and as a psychotherapist. Prejudice and fear about sexual variation seems to exist nearly everywhere, including among gay people. If people feel differently than we do about something as important and powerful as sex, we tend to get pretty nervous. Often, if we can’t imagine feeling like those people, we make up stories about their being bad or sick. A common myth is that bisexuals don’t exist; that if you say you’re bisexual, it just means that you’re all gay, but you can’t admit it yet. Unfortunately, some people really do go through this scenario sometimes, thus reinforcing the myth. A fair number of gay men and lesbians have been hurt by these people-in-transition, and that tends to breed a mistrust of all bisexuals. Bisexuality can be a lonely road. There’s a lot of mistrust from both straights and gays. This is starting to change
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Will H., Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
While bisexual acceptance in the gay and lesbian community varies from warm welcome and comraderie to discrete avoidance to open disdain, I would describe the prejudice I’ve observed most often as distrust rather than extreme dislike. This sometimes revolves around a stereotype that bisexuals are promiscuous and cannot make a commitment to a long-term, same-sex relationship. This transference shows up more when a gay or lesbian has a failed relationship involving a bisexual person. (Personally, I think I’d be hurt just as much whether the woman I loved left me for a man, woman or no one at all.)

But more commonly I see resentment based on a perception of straight privilege. Gays and lesbians must continually struggle for our rights and acceptance in society. Therefore, when someone who has formerly been accepted as part of the gay community marries or becomes involved in an opposite-sex relationship, community members may feel betrayed and resent the easy acceptance by friends, family and society of the opposite-sex partner, while gays and lesbians continue to struggle.

Luckily, as stereotypes are dispelled and gays and lesbians gain more acceptance from families and society, these prejudices also dissipate. Each person is recognized as a unique individual deserving love and respect, regardless of sexual orientation.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Many stories that perpetuate prejudices against gay people come from groups such as the “ex-gay” ministries, where people claim to have been gay and were magically straightened out. These people were in fact bisexual to begin with and make it all that much harder for a young gay person to retain any love among their own families, much less from the community. I have been through the process of “straightening out” (a.k.a. if you had the right man…) and I am still gay. My experience left me feeling resentful and hurt. If it weren’t for bisexual swinging types who are totally free, I would never have had to go through that experience. They get to have it all, without being accosted by anti-homosexual sentiment, because they can go both ways. I don’t exactly dislike all bisexuals, but the ones who don’t understand why I can’t enjoy a menage a trois that involves the opposite sex really are annoying. Most bisexual people realize this, and I can get along fine with them.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
27, lesbian, white

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
When I first started reading the newsgroups, I found one that purported to be for gays and bis. It had taken me many years to become sure of, and comfortable with, my own feelings and beliefs. Imagine my shock when I read numerous posts from gays saying basically “all you bis out there, don’t say this…. don’t say that…!” with a long list, and every single item on that list was something that was true, and important to me. It left me speechless. Literally, I had nothing left “acceptable” I could say within that forum. On the plus side, it made me instantly certain that, yes, I was bi and not gay, and yes, there were certain fundamental differences between bis and gays that had absolutely nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with attitude and how we view the universe, ourselves and other human beings. Difference often makes for conflict. I can understand that the difficulties that gays experience with the straight community could make them gun-shy about bis….but I would like to point out that bis seem to be an even smaller minority than gays, we’re not as politically active as yet, and no one likes being told by someone else who we are or how we feel….or should feel – gay, bi, straight or celibate.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO7: I am wondering if it is politically correct for a straight person (me) to find the movie “Birdcage” funny, or if this movie would offend a gay person. Do gay people think this movie is funny, offensive, accurate, not realistic … what?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Susan B., Michigan

ANSWER 1:
If you find it funny, then you find it funny. It doesn’t matter what other people think. Your feelings and opinions are yours and don’t need to be vetted by someone else. Do gay people find the movie offensive? Yes, I’m sure some do. I, a gay man, thought it was hysterical. Is it realistic? Probably not. But so what, it’s a movie. There are effeminate gay men, there are drag queens, but they’re not the entire gay community. I’m not one, so I can’t say how the average drag queen feels about the movie. Yes, the movie has fun with stereotypes, and as long as you realize that’s what’s going on, I don’t see a problem with it. I would also point out the many positive aspects of the characters. They are a long-term, loving couple. They care about their son (and many gay people do have children). And in the end, they win over the big bad bigot. My yardstick for judging humor about minorities is this: Who’s telling the joke, who are they telling it to, and how is it intended? Since this was an upbeat, funny movie, I say it’s fine, whatever stereotypes it employed. The lisping, cowardly hairdresser in 1996’s “The Rock” on the other hand, I found deeply offensive. For more discussion of this, read Vito Russo’s “The Celluloid Closet” or rent the film of the same name.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
B.T., age 35, Boston , MA

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a gay male I found this movie cliche, unoriginal and silly. The stereotypes are true for a few of us. For most of us, they are not. Personally, I am bored with them.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, 35, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO6: What type of Christian organizations are available to gays? Are there certain denominations that are more open to gays, or is it a function of an individual pastor, priest or minister?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Eric S., student, University of Kansas, Lawrence

ANSWER 1:
To say “Christian organizations for gays” struck me as an oxymoron. I grew up in an Assemblies of God church, so I can’t answer for any other denominations. There aren’t many Christian organizations offered to gays for a simple reason: In the Bible, God says being gay is wrong. So for Christians to accept gayness into their congregation and even offer organizations isn’t very common. I do know some denominations are a little more lenient towards being gay. I have heard of a Methodist church reinstating a pastor even after performing gay wedding ceremonies, so they are out there.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Jackie, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
There is an organization formed in 1969 for gays, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered people called the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Churches. There are approximately 3,000 churches worldwide that belong to UFMC. Many of the pastors of these churches are gay men and lesbians who have been “defrocked” from mainstream churches because of their sexual orientation. The founder of the church is the Rev. Troy D. Perry. The mother church resides in Los Angelas. The Rev. Perry has written several books about his church’s struggle, including “The Lord is My Shepherd and He Knows I’m Gay,” “Our God Too!” and “Don’t Be Afraid Anymore”.
POSTED MARCH 19,1998
Pete, 25, gay white male
Detroit , MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In addition to Metropolitan Community Church, a number of more mainstream denominations have national organizations specifically geared toward gays and lesbians. For instance, Dignity in the Catholic Church and Integrity in the Episcopal. Certain cities have specific services for gays. For instance, in Philadelphia, Grace Covenant Church is an evangelical/ charistmatic gay and lesbian congregation. Beyond that, there are no denominational distinctions – some congregations are simply more welcoming than others.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
A.J., lesbian and Episcopalian, Wilkes Barre, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Some churches have “reconciling congregations,” individual congregations that have chosen to actively seek the inclusion of gay folk in their group. An example is the Wallingford Methodist Church in Seattle, Wash. In addition, while not strictly “Christian,” Universalist Unitarian churches seem to care not one wit about anyone’s sexual orientation. Rather, all “orientations” are valued and sought out for the wisdom they can impart to the rest of us.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Tim R. <ransom@nwrain.com>, Olympia, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To determine what the Bible says about gays requires an understanding of the context in which the subject is addressed. Because “Christian” implies an acceptance of the New Testament, many of the “Old Laws” of the Old Testament are no longer valid. For example, Christians are no longer forbidden to trim their beards (this law is stated in the same passages that refer to homosexuality). In the New Testament, Paul makes an ambiguous reference which some think refers to homosexuality. However these are words by a common man, subject to the same biases and ignorance we all are subject to (these words were not spoken by Jesus).
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Kirk, 32, gileno@ibm.net, Ontario, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Unitarian Universalism is a creedless church and has not only had a Gay/Lesbian Committee for many years, but encouraged its ministers to perform same-sex unions. Although I now make my living as a divorce lawyer and Bed & Breakfast Reservation Service owner, I came to Honolulu as a UU parish minister and have performed several same-sex unions in recent years – as has the current minister of the Unitarian Church of Honolulu. UUs aren’t hung up on sexual orientation. Character and social justice are far more important issues.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Gene B. <Gene@aloha-bnb.com >, Honolulu, HI
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THE QUESTION:
SO5: Do gays/lesbians automatically assume that all straight people look down on them for their sexual orientation, therefore not affording the opportunity for conversation or maybe friendship with a straight person?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Bill G., Pensacola FL

ANSWER 1:
First of all, no, all gays and lesbians do not believe that everyone in the heterosexual community looks down on them. I am a lesbian and I have more heterosexual friends than homosexual. It’s not because I prefer to be friends with heterosexuals; I just happen to know more heterosexuals than homosexuals. If someone doesn’t like me, I try very hard to not assume it’s because I’m a lesbian. I’m not a member of any gay-rights groups, other than the National Lesbian and Gay Journalists Association, and I don’t participate in gay-rights marches. But I live my life just as openly an any heterosexual person. I do that so that others may see that gay people are just like them or just as different as anyone else. I do it so that there can be open dialogue. I always welcome questions from heterosexuals, so that we can all understand each other as much as possible. I want there to always be opportunity for conversation and friendship with anyone, no matter what. And I believe most gay people feel the same as I do.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
R. Spivey, 38, Hampton, VA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I live with a lesbian couple, one a close relative. From my experience, lesbians and gays do not “prefer” to speak only to other homosexuals, nor do they look down upon heterosexuals. If anything, gays and lesbians are some of the most open-minded people out there, because they spend most of their lives being ridiculed for other feelings. Nonetheless, I have found that I would rather have people of diverse sexual orientation as friends because they are less judgmental.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Karen, 26, MI <Libraslove@aol.com>

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don’t expect straight people to think less of me because I’m not straight – differently, maybe, but not less. In fact, I’m always surprised when that happens; fortunately, it’s somewhat rare. It’s still surprising to me how much it hurts my feelings to have somebody suddenly refuse to have anything to do with me when they realize I’m queer, though. A lot of my friends are queer, but a lot are straight, too. With my queer friends, there is an extra sense of community – we share the same life experiences, in a way that straight people can’t. It’s more of a cultural thing than anything else – we grew up in very similar ways and had to overcome a lot of heterosexual assumptions and a lot of internalized prejudice to get to where we are in our lives.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Julie C, 30, lesbian of wildly varied ethnic background <nobozos@feist.com>
Wichita, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it really depends on the person. Men who are very effeminate, women who are very butch and transsexual women who do not pass often get so much abuse (ranging from not being served lunch at the restaraunt to being attacked and beaten up) that yes, there is a lot of fear and bitterness, and the expectation that someone who is straight – or even someone queer who blends better – will despise them. I think everyone who is less that the cultural ideal of white, male, straight and Christian has some of this to deal with. Some people do really well and never have that kind of cringing expectation of rejection, even though they get a lot of abuse, while others simply break under the load.
Jessica, 33, Tryke <jessicalh@hotmail.com>, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Some “dead churches” may accept gays, but they (those churches) surely will die. Satan is alive and well, and his only reason for being here is to steal, kill and destroy. I feel that homosexuality is a weapon of choice to do these things. These words are forceful, but written with love.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
T. Schultze, tschultze@hotmail.com, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To T. Schultze: Your remark that your words are “written with love” sums up everything about the Christian church that makes me distrust it. There is nothing lovable about being a pawn of Satan. You either love us or you don’t. Speaking with a forked tongue won’t help anyone learn.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C. 33, gay white male <tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To T. Schultze: I feel for you to say essentially that “you people have chosen to be tools of Satan” but that your message is “written with love” is psychologically un-self-aware and ludicrous. This is a “kill kill, kiss kiss” brand of Christianity.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Max M., 44, gay <QTeacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
To T. Schultze: Webster’s New World Dictionary defines love as “strong affection or liking for someone or something.” I’m curious what person or thing you have affection or liking for that causes you to label an entire group of people thieves, vandals and murderers without even knowing them.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I find it very telling when a question asking if all gays assume all heterosexuals hate them is answered with a statement that churches who accept these “tools of Satan” will die. I think that answers the question loud and clear. We hear messages of hate more often.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Craig, gay male, 35, not a tool of Satan <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
To T. Schultze: I am sure the Jews, Protestants and various other so-called Tools of Satan felt a great deal of love at the hand of the Spanish Inquisition. To Craig: Most of the posts to this question have been positive. My own experience in coming out to various persons, or just living openly, has been a mixed bag. Though positive experiences have been predominant, the negative ones are what I remember. It seems to me that most of the negative reactions, from violent to merely offensive, have been from strangers, nearly all of whom have been young males. Mark Twain said that all boys should be put in a barrel and fed through the bung hole until they are 18. I believe he was trying to be funny, but still…
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Timothy, gay male, <dreambent@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO4: I’m a heterosexual who likes to go to a gay bar occasionally. Is that disrespectful of homosexual people’s desire to have a place of their own? Are there things I should or shouldn’t be doing?
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
Michelle G., Gainesville, FL

ANSWER 1:
Good question. I am also a heterosexual who goes to gay bars. But I go with a friend who is gay. It is his hangout. I go with him because he feels more comfortable in a place where he can be “out.” Being female, I stick out a bit, but not a great deal. If you have friends at the bar and you enjoy being there, don’t worry. Being gay is not an exclusive little social club. Anyone can go to a gay bar. No one inside really cares, as long as you are there to have fun – not to persecute or “look at the queers.” Enjoy. A lot of fun can happen in a place where people feel totally free to be who they really are. Appreciate the people around you, gay, straight, bisexual or whatever.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
L.K., Michigan

FURTHER NOTICE:
Writing as someone decidedly not straight, I’d like to say thanks for coming out to gay bars on occasion. Whenever I meet a straight person who can go to a gay place and have fun, not be freaked out, I feel really happy. I don’t want to act like I’m a freak; I want people to treat the places I like just like they’re part of the world. I mean, I can go to straight places and have a good time, so why not the other way around? The only time it isn’t fun is when the straight person is there to stare, to stand there and look at people like they’re animals in a zoo, or stand there and make insults, or fight people, or whatever. If you’re just going to have a good time, then just keep right on doing it!
POSTED MARCH 12, 1998
Wendy D., 23, Atlanta

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a bisexual woman married to a gay man, and we frequent the one gay bar in our state often. We have met quite a few straight people there, and no one seems to resent them. The one thing I would say is that some heterosexuals say they would be “freaked” or offended if a homosexual “hit on them.” Please don’t be offended. Sometimes you really can’t tell if someone is gay or not, and if you are in a gay bar, the assumption is that you are gay. Just tell the person you are straight, and there is no problem at all.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
Mel W., bisexual, married to gay man <felyciti69@aol.com>, Sioux Falls, SD

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a heterosexual female who attends a gay bar every weekend. I find it more laid-back, fun and with better music than most “straight” clubs. You can be yourself and no one looks at you like a freak. This club started as predominantly gay but now many straights frequent the place and it has become quite the hot spot in Portland. If you have fun, keep going! A lot of my gay friends don’t mind having straight people at “their” club, as long as they know it’s a gay club. Nothing upsets me more than to see straight people freak out and pick fights at a gay club. If you’re homophobic, don’t go.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Ravynne, 28, white female <ravynnes@aol.com>, Portland, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Michelle: I am a gay student at the University of Florida, and I visit the same gay club you may have visited. I enjoy seeing straight and gay people in the club. I find the atmosphere that is produced by this very accepting, and I feel better about myself when there are straight people also in the bar who are supportive of my lifestyle. Since I am relatively young (19), I would find the environment in the club very hostile if there were only gay men inside. Therefore, I welcome the presence of straight people (and all other types of people) in the club. As far as what you should or should not do, you should act as you would in any other bar. Just be whoever you are, and respectful of how others are as well.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
J.T. <guyuf@yahoo.com>, Gainesville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
A gay bar is, first and foremost, a public place of business, and you can patronize it for whatever reason as long as you obey the laws of your state and local government while there (just as you would in any other public place of business). As a rational, thoughtful human being, however, you might ask yourself why you want to spend your time and money there – do you legitimately have a good time there and enjoy the surroundings? If so, no one there should have a problem with you being there. If, on the other hand, you are going there to gawk, cause trouble for other patrons or do anything illegal or unethical, why not spend your time some other way?
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
James B., 34, straight male patron of gay bars, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
You’ve got every right to go into a gay bar, but as a gay man, I have to say I’d rather you didn’t. Not unless you’re there with a queer friend. Straight people have a billion bars to go to; we often want to go to a gay bar just as a break from straight hegemony. I’ll even go farther and say I don’t much resent a straight woman being there, because I think straight women and gay people share a frequent desire to be away from straight men. Maybe there should be straight women bars?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Max M., 44, gay man <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
If people have a problem with it, it is because they can’t go into a straight bar without being harrassed. Generally, people don’t care, or are welcoming. However, remember where you are. In our town, one bar became a hip place for straight people to go, especially the drag lounge. Unfortunately, bridal showers would come and mock people. A friend of mine asked a guy to dance, and the guy said, “I’m not gay! Why would you say that?” “Uh, because you are in a gay bar.” Well, after some comments about needing to work out his issues, my friend was knocked to the floor, and the guy broke his nose, cheek and jaw. This happened every couple of days once straight men started showing up. So if you are going to go to a gay bar, show some respect and class.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Craig, 35, gay and wish all bars were mixed <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN
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THE QUESTION:
SO3: I’ve noticed that many lesbians have a similar haircut, with the sides trimmed and the back long. Has anyone else noticed this? No offense intended, just curious.
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
Rolando, Cuban-American, mid-30s, Miami, FL

ANSWER 1:
This haircut (short on the sides, long in the back) is fairly common among lesbians, but it doesn’t mean anything really significant. Some women use that haircut as a kind of identification, so they can “tell” people they’re lesbians, but most do it just because they like the haircut. I don’t know why so many lesbians like that haircut, but a lot do. It’s just a popular style. FYI, you can be a lesbian and not have that haircut; most lesbians don’t, after all. You can also be straight and have that haircut; a lot of straight women do. You can even be a lesbian and think that haircut is ugly, no matter what the sexual orientation of the person wearing it. It’s just a haircut.
POSTED MARCH 12, 1998
Wendy D., bisexual/queer, 23, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Back in the days before the infamous motorcyle helmet laws, I used to have long kinky “Amy Irving” hair, but decided that having it blowing in my face when I looked behind me was dangerous. Combing out the knots or braiding it was a pain, too. So was getting a perm. So I got it cut like my kid sister’s riding partner (both straight) just because I liked her haircut. I think a lot of sports jocks (both lesbian and straight), campers and other active women like this haircut (short on sides, longer or tail in back) because it is low-maintenance and easy to take care of. Just get up in the morning, shower and run out the door. No muss, no fuss, no makeup. I also like to wear an ear cuff, and hair trimmed over the ears shows ear cuffs more clearly than longer hair. But it works easiest with straight hair. I rarely see lesbians with curly hair, kinky hair or black lesbians with this haircut. Although most lesbians don’t have this haircut, it is a popular style.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Dyke On Byke, lesbian with common dyke hair cut <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield , MI
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THE QUESTION:
SO2: Why are people afraid of gays teaching in schools? Do they think they might try to convert the kids or take advantage of them?
POSTED JAN. 23, 1998
Pat D., Jacksonville

ANSWER 1:
This can be attributed to a simple ignorance about us as gay human beings. Gay people certainly do not try to recruit others. I already have a toaster-oven! Why would I possibly want to actively bring someone into a lifestyle in which that person could be verbally and physically abused just for being themselves? Definitely not my first choice! As a gay man, I am a lot like other men my own age. I have a beard, I love baseball and I’d rather be fishing than shopping any day of the week. Shoot, I could not even begin to hum a tune from a musical. I’ve never even been to one!

Each of us is as different as the next person. And, we have a lot of similarities as well. If I were a teacher, I can only imagine that I wouldn’t actively discuss my life in the classroom as a means of “winning over” another. A teacher is there to impart lessons, information, love and a thirst for knowledge that should last a lifetime.
POSTED MARCH 9, 1998
William N., Biscayne Park, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
In my opinion, most people who fear gay teachers in schools are probably confusing homosexuality with pedophilia – two entirely separate and distinct sexual orientations, neither one of which has anything to do with the other. The other possible issue is a moral one: There are lots of people who consider homosexuality an offense against God, and want their kids to have nothing to do with anyone who practices it.
POSTED MARCH 10, 1998
Glenn P., 39, Washington, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I believe the second half of Glenn P.’s answer accounts for the majority of objections to gay and lesbian teachers. In voluntary, small group discussions two years ago meant to break down hostile barriers between members of our corporate-sanctioned gay/lesbian/bisexual employee group and one of numerous Bible study groups that meet during lunch time at my company, gay and lesbian teachers was one of the subjects discussed. Some Bible study members (including non-parents) opposed their tax dollars being paid toward the salaries of gay teachers, because the parents disapproved of homosexuality. It shocked them to realize that some gays and lesbians are also taxpaying parents of mainly heterosexual school students. No parental concerns about pedophilia were voiced. Their main concern seemed to be that their children might somehow accept and respect a gay teacher or eventually disagree with parental disapproval of homosexuality – a desire to mold their children’s moral values.

I suspect some parents fear their children might be “tempted” to “become” gay by knowing a positive role model. Even after productive, year-long discussions and logical, reasoned arguments to the contrary, some Bible study members still felt homosexuality was a “choice,” a potential “choice” they want to discourage their children from taking.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian mother and gay-lesbian-bi employee group officer,<DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I believe parents have a right to be concerned about homosexual teachers having so much prolonged contact with so many children. Parents already know that teachers have strong influence over children regarding environmental issues, racial tolerance issues and future choices in careers. If parents believe sexual orientation is influenced by environment (like smoking, liberalism or conservatism), then parents have a duty to keep their children away from homosexual adult teachers. Openly homosexual teachers who talk about sexual orientation to their classes invariably will present themselves as “normal,” and some parents do not want their children to emulate their teachers after such discussions. Perhaps an analogy can be made to parents who object to hiring Jewish teachers in Catholic schools, or hiring teachers who are avid gun collectors.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
A.W., Fremont, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Regarding Glenn P.’s response: Homosexuality is a sexual orientation, but pedophilia is a psychosexual disorder. I am a recent nurse graduate from a major university in California, where they include homosexuality in the psychosexual disorders lecture. I spoke up and refused to attend the class or participate in encouraging such misinformation. Also, all studies on pedophilia and child-molesting show that the men who do this are mostly straight.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Robert, 28, gay <wedbanquet@aol.com>, Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To A.W. in Fremont: As an out gay teacher, let me point out that I had dozens of straight teachers I respected, and yet I didn’t turn out straight. I did, however, learn to respect straight people and not judge their sexual orientation just because it was different from mine. The agenda of many anti-gay-teacher people is simply that they fear their kids will stop hating gay people. Yes, many kids have re-thought their prejudices because they know and respect a gay person. Good for them. And as for comparing gay teachers to hiring a Jew at a Catholic school, public schools are not heterosexual schools. Public means everybody, including gay people.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Terry M. <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To A.W.: Heterosexuals give way too much power to gays in assuming that gays have some mysterious ability to hypnotically sway young kids to gay sex. My brother (who’s straight) had a couple of gay flings when he was a teenager with another teenager, but married twice and has a slew of kids. I was taught by heterosexual teachers, and I’m still gay. By the way, I had a gay physics teacher, and none of the straight kids in his class turned gay. You can’t recruit. And if you can remember when you were a kid, you already knew which orientation you were and therefore couldn’t be swayed
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
R.A., gay, Los Angeles, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO1: I have heard that lesbians and gays do not get along other than at political rallies. Is this true?
POSTED JAN. 23, 1998
G. McManus, Jacksonville

ANSWER 1:
I’ve only been to a few political rallies, and I’d say your rumor has a grain of truth to it. Sometimes lesbians and gay men don’t get along, for a lot of the same reasons men and women don’t get along in general. It’s important to note that anyone – of any class, race or background – can be gay or lesbian. So we enter into our minority with only that one thing in common.
POSTED FEB. 26, 1998
April H., Orange County, N.Y.

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think generally there is some truth to that, but it’s a factor of what people have in common. It’s not true for my partner and I. As a lesbian couple we have two couples we socialize with most of the time. One is a lesbian couple and one is a gay male couple.
POSTED FEB. 27, 1998
P.J.W, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The answer is not true on the whole. On the small part, there are some women who do not like men, and some men who don’t like women, and they are working more off of the fear base than themselves. Some of the women who do not like men are lesbians, some are straight, some of the men are gay, and some are straight.

Granted, there are lesbian bars and events, and gay bars and events, as well as mixed bars and events to go to. The reason for this: There are straight events and bars for women as well as straight events and bars for men. Reason: Women need to get together just like men do. It all depends on what you’re looking for. Same in the gay community. If you’re a lesbian looking for a lesbian, you would go to a lesbian bar probably before you would go to a mixed bar, just as if you are a gay man looking for a man, you would go to a gay bar probably before you would go to a mixed bar.
POSTED FEB. 27, 1998
Scott H., Jacksonville

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Gay men and lesbians vary in their ability to get along with each other. As a lesbian, I’ve found some gay men quite easy to get along with, while others have stretched my patience beyond endurance. Much of this, however, seems to stem from traditional differences in men’s vs. women’s ways of doing things, particularly lesbian feminist use of discussion and consensus decision-making vs. the top-down, hiercharchial delegation of authority many men are conditioned to use.

In addition to frequent economic disparities in affordability to engage in certain activities such as travel, attitudes toward and interest in certain activities may also vary along gender lines: Monogamy, cruising, potlucks, sports, bars, music, parenting, etc. These differences don’t necessarily mean gay men and lesbians can’t get along, but that each is likely to spend more social time with others of the same sex, then come together to work on issues of mutual interest such as civil rights, politics, gay pride events, etc.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian feminist <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Gay men and lesbians often have horrible trouble getting along at rallies and other places. As a gay man, I find women to be community-oriented and to view a “take charge” individual with antipathy. Gay men, on the other hand, often go for something aggressively and will dish out criticism more quickly than lesbians. I don’t think this is a conditioning thing; I think it’s a male-female thing. I have noticed that most (not all) large gay organizations and companies are started by gay men and later run by lesbians. There are exceptions, but I’m talking about the big picture here.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
T. Cranston <tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY