Sexual Orientation Questions 11-20

THE QUESTION:
SO20: What does the symbol of the rainbow stand for in the gay community?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
L.C., <loose450@aol.com>
Waterford, MI

ANSWER 1:
The rainbow signifies the attitude of the gay community: We accept all colors, races, ethnicities, religions, etc.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Bee, New York City

FURTHER NOTICE:
Bee’s response, though touching, is awfully optimistic. But then, so is much of the gay/lesbian movement. We tend, unfortunately, to be just as divided racially as the rest of America. Bee is right, though, that the rainbow is intended to represent our diversity: We are everywhere, we are everybody. Every class, religion, race, educational level, occupation – you name it, we’re there.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Will H., 43, gay, white, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The Rainbow became popular as a political symbol for Jesse Jackson’s “Rainbow Coalition” during his first run for president (I believe1984). It was meant to be a symbol of inclusion of people from many different races, though Jackson’s campaign was very clear that the coalition embraced the gay/lesbian community as a full-fledged member. After Jackson’s campaign, the rainbow symbol faded somewhat from public view, but gays and lesbians retained it as a political symbol, and its use as such grew within the gay community at roughly the same time it became less often used in general. Today, it has come to be almost exclusively a gay/lesbian symbol. There may have been a major event in the mid- or late-80s (a march on Washington or some other huge gay gathering such as the Gay Olympics) that used it prominently as its logo on T-shirts and other memorabilia, and I think that’s the point when it really became cemented as a gay symbol.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
N.P., 35, African American gay male
Philadelphia, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
N.P. is incorrect on this one. The rainbow flag was designed specifically for a San Francisco Gay Pride event, considerably before Jesse’s run for the White House. I’m lousy at dates, and I’m afraid, at names, so I can’t give the exact date or the designer’s identity. (But I’ll see if I can find them). Of course, the rainbow itself has been a symbol of various things for as long as there have been people to look into the sky, but the six-banded rainbow flag with saturated jewel tones in red-orange-yellow-green-blue-purple order was created by a gay man, to be a gay symbol.
Will H., white, gay, 48, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Will, there is a discrepancy in what you said about the order of colors in the rainbow flag. A gay man didn’t design that; Mother Nature did. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet is the order of a real rainbow, so whoever designed it knew their natural sciences.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
S.B., gay male, Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The Philadelphia Gay News, June 24-30, 1994, reports that the rainbow flag design dates to 1978, when Gilbert Baker was asked to design a symbol for the San Francisco gay and lesbian Freedom Day Parade. “The idea of a flag the color of the rainbow hit me as a natural symbol from nature … There’s an implied multiculturalism to it, an all-encompassing aspect …” While another source reports that the design originally included pink and indigo, the PGN reports that the official names for the current colors are: Old Glory red, orange, Spanish Yellow, Irish green, royal blue and pansy purple. Apparently, Baker chose that particular purple because of the name – a slur in many other contexts, it’s humorous here.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Mark, gay, Richmond, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
As a footnote, the six bands of the flag originally designed by Gilbert Baker (red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet) traditionally represent, respectively, life, healing, sun, nature, art and harmony. Baker’s original flag, however, also included two additional bands: Hot pink (sexuality) and indigo (spirit). The hot pink stripe vanished almost immediately because Baker’s flag was hand-dyed, and when the flag began to be produced by others, hot pink fabric was nearly impossible to find. The indigo stripe disappeared when a grief-stricken community turned out to mourn the assassination of Harvey Milk (San Francisco’s first openly gay supervisor) and the coordination of the parade route required six colored bands go down six streets. The elimination of indigo was the most practical. The flag as a whole has come to represent pride in the diversity of our community. (Source: The Rainbow Flag by Steven W. Anderson)
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Stuart L., 17, gay white male, talvezmb@hotmail.com, Tallahassee, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The original representation of the rainbow is the Buddhist symbol for good luck – a wish of success in all your endeavors.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
M.A.D., 42, straight black, Salinas, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO19: I would like to know if male homosexuality in modern Greek society is the norm.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Beth, white, Edinburgh, U.K.

ANSWER 1:
I found out the answer to this one after telling a joke with a Greek/Homosexual punchline to some Greek friends. They were absolutely bewildered. After explanations, the joke became humorous to them when a different ethnicity was substituted. I was informed that Greeks tell these types of jokes about the English!
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Sue B., Camarillo, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO18: Why do homosexuals think they were born gay? There has never been a study to show genetics has anything to do with it.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
J. Smith, 28, Detroit, MI
(Similar question posted March 31, 1998, by J. Wu, 18, Lawrenceville, GA, and May 11, 1998, by Rob, straight white male <innvertigo@aol.com>, Southfield, MI)

ANSWER 1:
Actually, there have been a number of studies published recently that point to some sort of biological reason for sexual orientation. One study, financed by the National Institutes of Health, found significant correlation between the size of the hypothalamus gland, in the brain, and sexual orientation. Another found that hearing sensitivity, long known to be better in females than in males, was less so in lesbians. Twin studies have found a higher correlation of identical twins with the same sexual orientation than is found among non-identical twins. So, while a genetic cause for sexual orientation has yet to be found, and may not exist, there is increasing evidence that certain biological factors play a role in determining orientation, along with other factors.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M.,41, gay <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
The main reason many of us report having been “born this way” is that it is our direct experience. I, for example, can recall being attracted to other boys when I was in the first or second grade. I knew even then that these attractions were not the ones that other people would approve of and that I’d better keep quiet about them. I didn’t know what sex was about at that time. Years later, when the hormones began to pump, I figured out the sexual part. But from my earliest awareness, I knew that other males were special to me in a way that females were not. Do you believe that you “learned” to be straight? If so, when?
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Will H., 48, gay, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Mr. Smith and Mr. Wu: There are many things we know or believe about ourselves that are not subject to scientific scrutiny. Your presumption of what gay people think, and your implied belief that they should not think it, is hetero-centric and illogical. Do you not know yourself until conclusive scientific proof is supplied to those who disagree with you? I doubt it. I don’t need no stinkin’ science. I am what I am, never chose it, wouldn’t change it and don’t need for you to be comfortable with it.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Max M., 44, gay male <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO17: I have lived as an open lesbian for almost 15 of my 39 years. I’ve become more and more out about my sexual orientation, partner, political activism, etc., particularly at work. Most of my co-workers know now that I’m gay. My question is: How do straight folks really feel when they first learn a co-worker/ friend is gay? My experience has been that they’re more relaxed about it when I come out than I am, but I have a hard time believing this reaction is genuine.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Linda B. <bwexplor@execpc.com>
Milwaukee, WI

ANSWER 1:
I’d take your co-workers at face value. When you spend 40-plus hours per week with people, you get to know them. Whether you stand on a box and shout or run to your office and hide, people usually take notice and hear things. Being normal for your workplace and with your co-workers is best. If you have a spouse/significant other, don’t hide them or be afraid to trade spouse stories with co-workers if it’s the norm to do so there. Having worked with openly gay and closeted gay people, I find it uncomfortable only when a person denies they have a life outside of work. As a friend once said to me, “sex is sex.”
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Heidi, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am heterosexual and do not react at all to homosexuality. I find it completely normal, and wouldn’t mind at all working with a homosexual person. I don’t like to refer to people by their sexuality; I don’t recognize my friends as straight or gay. They are my friends. That’s all.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Magnus S., Sweden

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It’s hard to fake acceptance of a gay or lesbian person. I accept gay and lesbian people for who they are. I have some friends who are bigots, and when someone comes out to them, they become visibly uncomfortable. At that point, I’m not sure who is more uncomfortable, but the tension is apparent. As a supporter of gay/lesbian rights, I’ve spoken with many people on both sides. There does not seem to be much middle ground. People will either accept you or not. My experience is you can accept their acceptance as genuine until proven otherwise.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
B. Root <t_broot@qualcomm.com>
San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a heterosexual female who has friends who are gay, lesbian, bi-, etc. If any friend of mine said they were gay before I knew, they would be my friend afterward, too. Even if my friends were “flaming,” as my friends say, the thought doesn’t really occur to me until they tell me they are gay. In short, for me, it doesn’t matter; I accept them for who they are.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Kara, Japan

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It kind of depends on who tells me. In any case, I don’t care what the sexual orientation of a co-worker is. But to answer your question, it depends on how I find out. When I find out from someone else that Mr. Smith is gay, I don’t think anything one way or the other. If Mr. Smith tells me, though, I just think, “Now, why did he have to tell me that?” It’s just my own thinking, of course, but I’d feel silly saying to someone something like, “I’m straight.”
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Mark, 40, straight male, MS

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a heterosexual female, 27, and to be perfectly honest, even though it does not bother me and I find it interesting, I do walk on eggshells a bit more with lesbians and/or gays because I always feel like I am going to accidently insult them and say something innocently that actually hurts their feelings. Therefore, I measure my words more around them.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Dionna F. 27, female, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I have a co-worker whom everybody perceives as a lesbian and who has come out to a couple people at work. She and I are pretty close in terms of sharing life and family experiences and work problems, but it’s still surprising she has not come out to me. One day that I asked her why she limited her openness to me and her response was that she was afraid it would risk our valued friendship. I have indirectly indicated to her that I care about her for who or what she is and that a person’s sexual preference is not an issue to me. I respect her reasons for not sharing that part of herself to me, but I still hope she would understand that part of being true friends, as she claims us to be, is being comfortable in sharing a major part of what she really is.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
M.F.M., Orlando, FL
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THE QUESTION:
SO16: I am straight male. When my gay friend and I go to a gay male bar, why is it that other gay males try to pick me up when I tell them I am straight?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Scott, Ontario, Canada

ANSWER 1:
First, your presence in a gay bar probably makes them question your claim that you are straight. Many men who have sex with men identify as straight, even though they engage in all the sexual practices of gay men. Second, some gay men seem to enjoy the challenge of seducing a straight man, much as many straight men enjoy the “hunt” when pursuing a reluctant woman. Lastly, some gay men express self-hatred by finding straight men more attractive, as though they are “better” than gay men, and therefore more desirable. This is fortunately seen less these days, but was a common form of internalized homophobia back when gays were more oppressed. My suggestion is just to be flattered, but polite and firm in expressing your lack of interest.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M., 41, gay <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I agree with much of what Mark said, though I am wary of terms like “self-hatred” and “internalized homophobia.” There is some truth to them, but these terms are often abused when one gay person wishes to express disapproval of another. You see them used all the time in gay magazines as a casual way of dismissing people who don’t follow gay traditions. For some reason, it’s much easier to write someone off as an “unenlightened victim of society” rather than see their different perspectIve as valid. I think these overused terms are little more than reflexive mantras. Odds are you are hit on because you are an attractive person. If you look at gay porn, the sexual ideal they portray usually is a pretty tough, non-flamboyant guy. I can’t think of a single popular porn star who is effeminate on screen (and I’m a fan of porn). These guys at bars are probably hoping you’re curious, that’s all.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Tim C., gay male, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Scott, your saying “I’m straight” to a gay guy might be likened to a woman saying to a man she is not interested in “I can’t dance with you, I’m a lesbian” just to get them off their back. Try saying, “My partner wouldn’t like me to do that.” That is usually left quite alone, and requires no qualifiers. You don’t even have to apologize if you do something later. Who is to say that you didn’t later communicate with your “partner”?
POSTED FEB. 15, 1999
Aris A., 21, white/Hispanic female <Arissssss@aol.com>, Alameda, Bay Area, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO15: I seem to notice more gay/lesbian couples showing a little more affection in public than would be accepted by heterosexual couples. Why is this?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Jessica G., 21, straight, Lake Orion, MI

ANSWER 1:
Public displays of physical affection between same-sex couples is not something most of us have grown up with, and not something we frequently see in films or on television. Public displays of affection among heterosexual couples is so common and familiar to us that we often fail to notice it. We think nothing of seeing a man and woman walking down the street arm in arm or holding hands, or kissing or hugging each other as a greeting. Most gay men and lesbians must think about their surroundings and the people around them before making any physical overture to a same-sex partner, friend or acquaintance. To demonstrate affection in the wrong surroundings carries the threat of verbal abuse, physical violence and worse. I do not believe gay and lesbian people show more affection than heterosexuals in public; it is just far more noticeable on those rare occasions when we do. Many people also have very different definitions of “socially acceptable” demonstrations for same-sex couples than for couples of opposite sexes.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
Tony T., 31, white, gay, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a lesbian, I think just the opposite (of Jessica G.’s statement) is true. Perhaps you noticed the homosexual couples because the public affection is still on the outside of societal norms. I think if you took a day at the park or beach and did a tally, the straight couples would still win out.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
K.R., 32, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are probably two components: 1) Since any public affection at all between same-sex couples is unusual and socially discouraged, you will notice it more and tend to be more startled by it. It will seem more extreme, even if it’s not. 2) Some gay or lesbian couples strive to make a social/political point – we’ve felt suppressed for so long that once we break out of society’s prohibitions, we sometimes can’t resist rubbing the straights’ noses in it. A possible third reason: Straight people get to practice the art of “what’s appropriate where” from the time they’re in their early teens. Most gay people don’t and may be a bit awkward in delineating new boundaries. (“Is a peck on the cheek enough? Is a massive grope too much?”)
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Will H.; white, gay, middle aged, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think straight people should learn to get used to it. As I become more and more comfortable with myself and my environment, I don’t really care what people think or see. If you are straight, and you are uncomfortable with this, don’t sweat, you are entitled to your opinion. But just stop for a minute and imagine what it would be like if you couldn’t hug or kiss your girlfriend/boyfriend without looking around or over your shoulder, making it inconvenient and unromantic. It is a most sad and unfortunate way to live your life.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Robert, 28, gay <wedbanquet@aol.com>, Sacramento, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO14: Is “coming out” still a frightening action for homosexuals? It seems that it wouldn’t be, with so many people publicly out.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
R.J., white, heterosexual, Cleveland, OH

ANSWER 1:
Since I came out of the closet when I was 18, I’ve noticed more and more people coming out, too. For me, it wasn’t nearly as frightening as I thought it would be. In fact, when I told my family about my homosexuality, they were like “And….?” It seemed as though they knew I was gay even before I did. None of them love me any less for who I am. I am still a little scared to tell my father. I almost did once, but my mother talked me out of it. I still feel she is ashamed of my being gay. It hurts me that she feels this way, but she still loves me as her son. Maybe one day she’ll realize that my being gay is not an embarrassment.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
Andrew V.,32, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a statistical trend, it’s probably easier. In the 1950s, homosexuality was considered criminal behavior in most jurisdictions; people used to go to jail if they were caught in a gay bar. So coming out back then was surely very difficult for everyone. However, even though society is more tolerant, there are still many prejudiced individuals and belief systems. Someone from a fundamentalist background or from a family that laughs at “faggot” jokes is not going to have an easy time of it. Being gay is still a significant factor in teen suicide. Society has a long way to go before coming out is comfortable for all.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Anonymous queer <ephiny@geocities.com>, Nashville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The most frightening and difficult part of my coming out involved coming out at work three years ago. For many gays and lesbians out in other areas of our lives, work is the last bastion of the closet. Because my corporate coming-out coincided with the formal recognition of a gay, lesbian and bisexual employee resource group at work, I was aware of the increased potential for backlash.

Like most gay, lesbian and bisexual employees, the non-discrimination statement at the company for which I worked did not mention sexual orientation. I could be fired on a whim. There is still no federal law protecting gay and lesbian workers from arbitrary dismissal in the United States. The lavender ceiling is very real. Coming out could mean employees risking the end of their career advancement, firing or harassment.

While company management and the gay-lesbian-bi employee resource group have worked together to make great strides in improving the corporate culture for gay workers the last few years, including revising the written non-discrimination policy to include sexual orientation, much remains to be done before all employees feel safe to come out at work. For those at less-inclusive companies, the prospects could be even more frightening.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian engineer/corporate diversity council member <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a member of a youth group that serves gay, lesbian, bisexua and transgender youth in the Atlanta area, I can tell you that coming out is definitely still a very scary experience for a lot of young people. Usually it’s not as hard when the person you are coming out to is younger, but depending on the attitudes of the person (particularly religious attitudes) and the relationship that existed beforehand, even then coming out can be seriously nerve-wracking and can cause major problems.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Wendy D., 23, white, bisexual, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 4
Coming out is scary any time you do it, especially if you are still dependent on you parents. I know women who are openly lesbian while at the college we attend, but who feel there is no way they could tell their parents for fear of being financially disowned. So they pretend to be straight for the sake of their parents and education. Every time you come out to a person, you have to ask yourself, Is it really worth it? Homosexuals can still be fired from their jobs just for being homosexual, and in most states, it’s still legal to discriminate based on sexual preference, so yes, it still is scary to come out.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Theresa S., 18, lesbian, t_setty@hotmail.com, Newport News, VA
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THE QUESTION:
SO13: Do lesbians enjoy looking at nude, pornographic pictures of women as much as men do?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Don B., Brunswick, Ga.

ANSWER 1:
As a gay female, I enjoy looking at photos of nude women. But many of my gay friends do not. In fact, it seems almost taboo in the gay female community to express an affinity for porn. I believe it has a lot to do with a perception of political correctness being incongruent with enjoying nude pictures of women. Some studies suggest porn is oppressive to women, and although I agree that some venues of illicit porn do oppress, not all nudity does. I enjoy Playboy and Hustler, but some of the themes disturb me. (Like portrayal of supposedly very young girls, bondage, rape and submission.) But, I believe most lesbians would agree that the depiction of a beautiful nude woman is a wonderful vision to behold.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
L.H., 35, Portage, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I consider myself a heterosexual female, and I enjoy looking at pictures of nude women. I don’t know why, I have never had an urge to have sex with a female, it is just pleasurable to me. Go figure
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Jabberwocky, Utica, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Lesbians vary like any other people, so I can only speak for myself. For the most part, no, I don’t view porno magazines or porno flicks, nor do most of my friends. This seems to be more a male (gay and straight) arousal technique that doesn’t seem to interest many women (gay or straight). Even the allegedly “lesbian” themed-ones tend to be produced by straight males for straight males, with little more than young, buxom lipstick models performing for the camera. These are women reduced to little more than body parts, and those bodies relegated to straight-male fantasies of what a “beautiful” body should look like and react to. There are however, some lesbian-produced erotic art and films that I do enjoy on occasion. These films tend to have more character development, while the artwork covers a much larger range of ages, ethnic backgrounds and body types. I also enjoy books of female bodybuilders, although not necessarily for erotic content. I think I just like unconventional women, and those with a little attitude.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Dyke On Byke <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I will not look away from a nude picture of a woman, because I think women have beautiful bodies. I also look at nudes to critique a body, just as a lot of others do – “Nice legs! Whoa, is that a pimple on her buttock?” The only time I look at porn is if someone else (usually my male neighbor) is looking at it while I’m around. I don’t watch for long, but when I do, I’m usually clowning the sex scenes – “Ha ha wow, that girl looks mighty uncomfortable.” I never get sexual pleasure out of looking at pornography, but I usually do get a good laugh.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1999
Chrissy, 21 lesbian <chrissy@home.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am a a bisexual woman who gets very turned on by watching pornography. It is one of the traits my boyfriend likes about me. I get more turned on by the lesbian than heterosexual scenes. I think it is because women know what women like, so they understand more of what they are doing and it is usually not as harsh-looking as the heterosexual sex in porns.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1999
27-year-old, just realizing I’m a bisexual female, Erie , PA
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THE QUESTION:
SO12: I’ve often wondered why a gay/lesbian person would be attracted to someone who was more like their opposite gender. Example: A lesbian attracted to a “butch” woman. Or a man attracted to a feminine guy. I know there are all kinds of attractions in the gay world, as well as the straight world, but this has often caused me to wonder why this person wouldn’t then be attracted to the opposite gender.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Mandy C, Plymouth, MI
(Same question posted March 29, 1998, by AJCVH, 47, white female, suburban Detroit)

ANSWER 1:
Sexual orientation is not just about sexual attraction, but also about love and emotional bonding. It is not that some men cannot be sexually attractive, but that it is nearly impossible to develop a strong emotional tie with them. Most are just too alien. As a lesbian feminist who often finds myself attracted to butch women, jocks or other strong, “uppity” lesbians, I enjoy the easy camaraderie, emotional openness and warmth in these women. Emotional and physical intimacy comes easy and natural. Not at all forced. Trying to communicate on a deep personal level with a man is often like trying to speak a foreign language to me. Moreover, I am beginning to view the gender spectrum in more than typical two genders.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a gay, 35-year-old woman who has been out more than 15 years. When I first came out, I thought all gay relationships consisted of a masculine and a feminine. It was by learning about gay history that I realized this was not inherent to the gay lifestyle. There was a time when mainstream thought could not comprehend a relationship that was otherwise. Men were strong and macho, women were soft and weak. Gay men and women who did not fit into these narrow guidelines went to the opposite extreme or hid behind public facades. To be viewed in public as openly gay was also dangerous, so couples adopted the mainstream attitude of masculine and feminine. Butch women would appear as male, for example.

Though public opinion has changed the last 50 years, stereotypes die hard. I am now in a relationship not based on how feminine I am or how butch my wife is. It is wonderful not to feel pigeon-holed. She is more athletic, but I am more tool-oriented; she does not wear feminine clothes, yet she is not butch. I like to wear dresses, but I’m the one outside with the chainsaw cutting firewood. There is no masculine or feminine between us. That is an antiquated condition on its way out.

There will always be very butch women, and they will be beautiful in their own way, celebrating their womanhood (not femininity) in their own way. There will be very effeminate men celebrating their manhood (not machismo) in their own way. I love my wife for who she is, not because I view her as a substitute for a man. I do not find the male anatomy sexually attractive, nor do gay men find the female anatomy sexually stimulating. And I rather doubt they are looking for a man to substitute for a woman. Attractions just happen. What is attractive to one may not be to another. Go figure.
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
C. Foster, 35, lesbian, mother, wife

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’m a gay man and have been attracted to only “masculine” gay men my whole life. Looks are great, but even if a guy has a dynamite body and a face like Adonis, I have no interest in him if he’s effeminate. And a really strange-looking dude can be incredibly hot if he’s got a virile personality. Yes, I know how offensive all these labels are, but I think you know what I mean by them, anyway. I’m on the “cave man” side of things myself. I do have some effeminate friends but there’s zero sexual spark with them. I’m baffled (not offended) by gay guys who are into effeminate men, because it seems like … well, they seem womanly to me. I don’t get it. Anyway, I thought you might like to know this same question puzzles some gay people, too.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Tim C., gay <Tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
The only type of men I am physically attracted to are what are known as “bears”… very masculine, heavy, stocky, burly, often older and usually hairy men. One of the finest compliments I ever received was when a friend said he thought I was “more gay” than most, meaning more true to my orientation because I am attracted to true masculinity as opposed to the prevelant icons of young, slim, hairless, muscular guys. I am quite turned off by effeminite men, and I don’t enjoy even being around them. I have always been perplexed at how often I see gays who are attracted to effeminite men and lesbians who are attracted to “butch” women. I would think that if one is attracted to the same sex, he or she would not want someone who acts more like the opposite sex. I am not saying I am right or wrong., I’m just offering another perspective. I just can’t relate because as a masculine gay man, I am attracted to those who are the ultimate in masculinity.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Deitrich M., 23, gay male, Asheville, NC
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THE QUESTION:
SO11: Is it true that most gay men have had sex with a woman at least once? The male population at my work is about 70 percent gay, and most say they have.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Carlos V. <cgvjelly@aol.com>
Flower Mound , TX

ANSWER 1:
While it is true that many men who are gay have had sex with a woman, it is not true for all. I am a 30-year-old gay male and have never had sex with a woman. Gay people, like all people, are curious, so it is not uncommon for one to have experimented with heterosex when they were young, just as many straight men have had homosexual experiences as young men.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jack, 30, gay male, Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Keep in mind that there is a whole spectrum of sexual orientations. Men who are exclusively attracted to (and sexual with) other men are very numerous, but we’re hardly the whole story of sexual variation. Lots of men have attractions to both sexes; some more toward the hetero end of the spectrum, some more toward the homo end. And for some men, the balance changes over time – either in how the man actually feels or just in how he behaves. Same goes for women. Me, I’m all the way over at the end of gay side – never had sex with a woman, don’t expect to.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Will H. 48, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would like to add that we’re strongly socialized to be heterosexual. Everything you see around you from the time you’re born is oriented toward heterosexual behavior. If you’re gay, overcoming that conditioning may be very difficult. Even if you’re not attracted to the opposite sex, or are less attracted than you are to the same sex, you may choose to be involved in a heterosexual relationship because it’s more socially acceptable. Plus, I think sexuality is a continuum. There are people on both ends who are totally straight or totally gay, but there are a lot of people in the middle who have some degree of interest in heterosexual “and” homosexual relationships.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Julie C., 30, lesbian <nobozos@feist.com>
Wichita, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think that the word you are looking for here is “experimentation.” If you’re straight, “experimentation” may take the form of a homosexual act; but if you’re gay, it may very well consist of trying to “make it” with a woman. Perhaps this is what you are perceiving. The other possibility is that you are listening to an old wive’s tale and that the notion of most gay men having had sex with a woman is pure bunk.
POSTED APRIL 8, 1998
Glenn P., 39 <C128User@GTI.Net>
Washington, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It may also be a generation thing. For many of us over the age of 37, it was one of the safest ways to escape society’s discrimination. Many gay men even went as far as to marry and have children. This allowed us to function within the realms of family, work and religion.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Steve N., 40 <blaster7@hotmail>
Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a gay man who married for eight years to hide the fact I was gay. I was not attracted to women in general but technically our sex was often fantastic. The fact that we had a long-term and exciting sexual relationship may, I suppose, peg me as bisexual, but my true desire is for men. I have always considered myself gay. I would guess the number of gay men who have had sex with women may be close to the same number of straight men who have had sex with other men (maybe half?).
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, Houston, TX