Sexual Orientation Questions 41-50

THE QUESTION:
SO50: I’m a straight female, but like many others, it seems, I constantly find myself becoming desperately attracted to gay men, a.k.a. a “fag-hag.” I won’t go into the reasons for that, but what I need to know is: How does this make homosexual males feel? Is it strange when you know someone like myself feels this way? Annoying? Indifferent?
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Jennifer E., 20, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

ANSWER 1:
When your attraction is serious (you want to get into a relationship, etc.), it can be pretty uncomfortable. Even when a night out turns into a date, it gets pretty touchy. Recently, I went out with a female friend, and it turned into a date. I’m not out to her, and the situation was pretty awkward for me. I wouldn’t call your attraction to gay men annoying. As you probably already know, most gay men are pretty understanding. By the way, there’s no problem being a “fag hag.” It actually means you’re a close female friend and supporter.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Jason, gay male <jason@spyring.com>, Bay Area, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
How I as a gay man feel with it depends – as most attractions do – on how you act on it. If I get pressed, it feels like harrassment, and the “ick factor” goes up proportionately to how hard she’s working it. So don’t. I find I back off from even hugging straight women if I feel like they’ve got a hubba-hubba agenda.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M. <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO49: In all my life and studies, I have not found another species of animal that practices homosexuality. Is it true that it occurs only in humans, and if so, why?
POSTED JUNE 1998
B.S., 63, white male <bsnut@aol.com>, Pensacola, FL

ANSWER 1:
If you do a little more research, you will find there are numerous examples of homosexuality in many animal species. Female seagulls have been shown to couple exclusively with other females. In certain species of monkeys, males have anal sex with other males. Rats have been known for decades to have homosexual sex in captivity. Male rams also have homosexual sex. Etc., etc. The examples are too numerous to mention. Here’s a page that discusses just the tip of the iceberg: http://woodruff.butler.edu/www/Courses/Sex/HomoAnimals.html
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Mark, gay male <marknyc@hotmail.com>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
To my mind, animals do not have “sex”; what they do instead is “reproduce.” If they display overt homosexual behavior, it is to establish a pecking order in their group, usually by a dominant member “mounting” a lesser member. I don’t believe “sex” has meaning for them because I don’t believe animals have the capacity for expressing romantic love or lust, they only know the mechanics for continuing their species. Humans, while they do “reproduce,” more often have “sex,” expressing love and/or lust with another human. Otherwise, every sexual encounter would be for the sole purpose of producing children. Homosexuals have the same physical capacity for reproducing as heterosexuals (often not expressed as often, though), but find their romantic love/lust expressed with members of their own sex. Probably very few people, homosexual or heterosexual, view the sex act merely in the reproductive sense; why compare it in terms of how animals do it? It’s a human thing.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Steve S., 37, gay white male, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Look further and it does appear in the animal kingdom. Off the top of my head I know it’s found in pigmy chimpanzees and dolphins. Within the pod there will be a number of “matings,” even of members of the same sex. The belief is that this works to cement social bonds within the group. It can be evidenced in some farm animals (the term I believe is “dud stud”). Some studies show it occurring in rats in some cases as well.
POSTED JAN. 18, 1999
David, male, biologist, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
SO48: Why do lesbians tend to be so masculine when, in my view, they oppose males?
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Charlynn O., Middletown, CA

ANSWER 1:
I’m not sure of your definition of “masculine,” but I assure the vast majority of lesbians have ordinary female attributes such as xx chromosomes, breasts, estrogen, vagina, etc. Women who look more superficially “masculine” in their outward appearance may be transsexual women or those with naturally high testosterone levels, particularly if this causes facial hair growth. Such women may or may not be lesbian, however, and may or may not otherwise conform to traditional “feminine” appearance and mannerisms.

If by “masculine” you mean how some lesbians choose to cut their hair short, not shave, not wear makeup, nail polish, bras, high heels, dresses, or otherwise conform to certain culturally differentiated gender-role stereotypes, please be aware that such outward appearances vary throughout the lesbian (and straight female) population from very butch to very femme. Gender role norms vary across time and with different cultures in different countries. Much of “feminine” behavior is indoctrinated into young girls so that one day they can attract a husband, something in which lesbians have no interest and against which many feminists (both lesbian and straight) may chaff.

Except for not wanting to sleep with men, lesbians are no more likely to “oppose” males as a group than straight women “oppose” them. What many women, both lesbian and straight, may oppose strenuously, however, is any attempt to limit our self-expression and freedom of choice in how we live our lives, whom we love, where we work, whether we marry and have children, etc. In opposing such constraints, many straight women who refuse a man’s sexual advances or who step outside the narrow bounds of others’ preconceived ideas of “proper feminine behavior” run the risk of being labeled a lesbian. This is true in the military, women’s sports, many male-dominant professions and other areas where some men may feel threatened by non-passive women.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a woman who prefers women, and I have to say that I definitely do not hate men! Some of my best friends are men, and I do believe they are quite capable of carrying on a relationship. I also wear dresses and shave my legs and have long hair and paint my fingernails. I have all the body parts a straight female has and I wear heels on occasion. It’s all in the attitude – I wear what I want to wear – someone else wears what they want to wear.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
T., CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO47: I’m a gay male who works in an industrial field. I look and act straight. Would it be better to say I’m gay or keep quiet? I fear I would lose my job if people knew.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Michael L. , 33, male, Tampa, FL

ANSWER 1:
I would advise against it. Unless you feel a compelling personal need to do so, it ought not be necessary for you to come out to the people you work with in order for you to be a whole person. Not every person has a right to the whole truth. Discretion is the queen of the virtues. You should consider that fear, like pain, is symptomatic. Since you are “in fear” of losing your job if you come out, you ought to consider examining your personal perspective on your sexuality and seek a more authentic interior balance to liberate you from this fear.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
K.M.K., 54, gay white male clergyman <pontiff@mail.sstar.com>, New Orleans, LA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I would advice not to come out to co-workers en masse. I work in a military environment that reeks of testosterone probably like yours. Though I managed to do several years of active duty in the closet, now that I am civil service, the clearance process eventually outed me. Most civilian co-workers were pretty accepting because they got to know me before. The people I work closest with now, though, only know what I tell them. Some can handle it (mostly women) some I would not consider telling or discussing it with ever. Pick and choose, but it is better to listen to their opinions and make an educated judgment on an individual basis. If they are your friends now, they will be afterward. If they can’t handle it, they were not your friends before. The problem is you would still have to work with them. Believe, I know how much more enjoyable work can be if you don’t have to put up a front.
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Tom, 38, gay white male, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The truth that no one else can tell you which would be better. However, you may want to consider the consequences of doing it or not. You want to let others know so that you can stop editing your conversations. You are tired of being afraid of others’ reactions. You want to be able to share stories about important people in your life. You want to embrace your sexuality, not feel embarrassed or ashamed. You want to stop hiding. Now, will coming out to everyone in your company bring all of this relief? Or will it make matters worse? It depends on where you are in your mental health and what kind of support system you have. Are you willing to risk ostracism by your peers? On the other hand, times are changing, and you might be that much more respected for your courage. Take an honest look at yourself, ask for the answer, and either way, know that you made the most reasonable decision you could and be willing to accept the consequences.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
David, 35, gay male, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Nobody else’s opinion on this is as significant as yours. Here are some useful things to think about: 1) How much does it hurt you to keep the secret? Lying about oneself can become second nature, but it rarely feels good. 2) Have you seen how your company or co-workers respond to gay people? Ridicule? Acceptance? Violence? Firing? Ho-hum? Requests to help decorate the break room? 3) How ashamed are you? Some reasons to stay in the closet are genuinely practical. Most, I think, stem from the fact that we buy the notion that being gay is a disgrace, and we don’t want people to know. This is a highly toxic state of being, and if you’re in it, I plead with you to find a way to get out of the trap – it will eat you up. But please note that an ill-considered coming-out at work may not be the most skillful way to blast yourself out of your own homophobia. Take care, my friend. Be kind to yourself – and a little insistent, too -on this journey. (P.S. I’ve been doing counseling and therapy with gay men and lesbians for more than 25 years. We are lovely people.)
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Will H., gay, 48, Euro-American, Dallas , TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO46: I have a friend who says only a lesbian can be a true feminist. Another says it is impossible for a man to be a feminist. Does anyone have an opinion on this?
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Hilary, 20, white <hwisler@eagle.cc.ukans.edu>, Lawrence, KS

ANSWER 1:
It’s sometimes true that minority groups come to view alienation from others as a sign of status. Eventually they feel their alienation is a measure of their uniqueness and self-worth, so they try to maintain it by differentiating into splinter groups. Sometimes these groups are valuable and productive, sometimes they aren’t. The problem comes if they try to co-opt a larger movement for themselves, instead of creating their own movement. It is one thing to say “only a lesbian can be a lesbian feminist” and something else to say “only lesbians can be feminists.” It’s like saying that only Baptists can really be Christian. Don’t waste your time with these people – they aren’t really interested in changing the world. They get their kicks out of trying to put you down and feeling like the “select few” who truly understand the world. They are worse than the most cliquey sororities (and have much worse parties).
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Will H. <whuer@hotmail.com>, New York , NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I get very angry with people who try to say “You must/must not do XXX in order to be a real feminist.” There is a branch of feminism that advocates that women give up heterosexual relationshps, based on the belief that the power differences between men and women are so great they can never be adequately resolved, but in my experience, this kind of feminism is limited in its number of followers and isn’t a very realistic view of the world. I believe men and women of all orientations can believe in equality for the sexes, the special virtues and value of each sex, the importance of “women’s issues” like child care and reproductive needs, and most imporantly, in the ability and right of individuals to transgress the artificial boundaries that tell us “men/boys do this and women/girls do that.”
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
S. Addison, 24, bisexual female, <elusis@dreamscape.com>, Syracuse, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I once referred to myself as a feminist and was told (by lesbian friends) that I could not be. I have accepted that. I think one cannot really, truly, deeply (pop references aside) understand a woman’s experience without having been one. Because our society in many ways continues to be organized on a patriarchal/hierarchical system, it’s difficult to repudiate this inequity while still living within its system. Thus the supposed existence of “political lesbians.” In brief, I’ve come to think that I’m a feminist sympathizer, for lack of a better term. And I think that most can appreciate that. Gays and lesbians should permit straights to be our allies, and lesbian feminists to allow men to be their allies. One cannot have lived the same experience as another, but we are philisophically capable of coming to different degrees of understanding of one another.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Jeff, 26, gay white male <jleppard@hotmail.com>, Bangkok, Thailand

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
We need all the feminists we can get! I would not exclude anyone. I am particularly encouraged when I meet men who are feminists. This helps nullify the negative stereotypes about feminists, and it helps me feel better about the world we live in. Thank you to all men who support women’s rights. Feminism would never be successful if it were supported by one small sub-group.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica N., 26, bisexual female <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
My dictionary says feminism means “the movement to win political, economic and social equality for women” and that a feminist is someone who practices feminism. As far as I can see, we can use all the feminists we can draft – male, straight, or whatever.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual female, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Lots of people seem to think feminism has to do how men and women relate. I think this is quite wrong. I believe feminism is a political theory based on analysis of power relationships between people/groups of people. Coincidentally, men have and have traditionally been the holders of the power in many cultures, and therefore this system of political analysis is labeled “feminist.” I would say that because of their focus on issues of power imbalances, many minority-equality political movements of this century should be labeled feminist in nature because of this basis of analysis, including the black equality movement, gay equality movement, women’s equality movement, the trade union movement, etc. Anyone can be a feminist.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Alan B., gay male <awb@writeme.com>, Vancouver, BC, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
SO45: It’s my feeling that many gay people feel it necessary to advertise their gayness. As a heterosexual, I do not go about declaring my sexual preferences, gay or straight. My step-brother is gay, and even he cannot answer why gay people do this, but would like to know the answer, too.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
Dawn, 50-plus <dawnwolfbk@aol.com>, FL

ANSWER 1:
At work, my co-workers talk about their spouses and families and have pictures of them on their desks. At school, my classmates talk about their dates. When I open the paper, there are two pages of marriage announcements. When I go out to eat, I see straight couples on dates. When I meet a stranger, I might notice him or her wearing a wedding ring or carrying pictures of his or her spouse and children. I’m gay and very out – I wear the occasional gay-themed T-shirt, I go on dates, I’ve worn my Freedom Rings every day for the last four years, and I’m a public figure on campus by virtue of being the president of our Gay Student Alliance for two years. But I’d say the average gay or lesbian would be hard-pressed to advertise his/her homosexuality more extensively than straight people advertise their heterosexuality. It may be that public signs of heterosexuality are so commonplace, and the public signs of homosexuality still so taboo, that as a result, “public gayness” grabs people’s attention more strongly.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Brandon B., 22, gay <bbolinge@comp.uark.edu>, Fayetteville, AR

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a straight person, you don’t have to declare your sexuality – it’s assumed you’re heterosexual. Because about 90 percent of the people in the United States identify themselves as straight, most people automatically assume that everyone they meet is straight. For some, acting “gay” is a way to show more visibly that they’re not straight and that it’s not OK for people to assume every single person they come across is straight.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Sean, 24, gay white male, Seattle,WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It depends on how you define the word “advertise.” For example, if you ask me what I did over the weekend, and I tell you I had a date with a guy, I don’t consider this advertising my sexual orientation but being truthful. To criticize this would be practicing homophobia, since if a straight man said he had a date with a woman, no one would comment. However, I give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is not what you mean. What I think you are asking about are the rainbow flags, t-shirts, pink triangle symbols, etc., which you see les-bi-gay people displaying. These are pride symbols and a means of identifying with a group, just like wearing a cross or star of David or Afro-centric clothing. I find the symbols fun but think they can be overused, just as symbols from any other culture or subculture can be overused. Also, despite talk of “gaydar,” which is supposed to be the ability of gay people to recognize each other, many people may use the rainbow flag or other symbols to announce their presence to other gays. I live in a neighborhood that is not a gay enclave, and it is interesting for me to see a car with a rainbow flag bumper sticker in the area. Remember, we do not wear sexual orientation on our skin, like race, nor carry it in our surnames, like ethnicity.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
John, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Dawn, you may be “advertising” your heterosexuality in ways you don’t realize. If you are married, you might keep a framed photo of your husband and kids on your desk at work. You might walk down the sidewalk arm-in-arm with your husband or boyfriend, or perhaps hold hands with him across the table at a restaurant. Perhaps you wouldn’t consider such behavior “flaunting” your sexuality. But often, if a lesbian or gay couple engages in the same behavior, it’s perceived as a militant, subversive act. To me, such innocuous displays of affection, whether in public or private, simply demonstrate our very human capacity to love and express commitment to our partners, gay or straight. I don’t feel this is about lesbians and gay men “advertising” or “flaunting,” but about the double standards that permeate our thinking and behavior.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Chuck, 39, gay <PolishBear@aol.com>, Spring Hill, WV

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am a gay man who is out to my friends, family and workplace. I specifically tell people who I am likely to be in prolonged contact with that I am gay because I want them to find out in a controlled manner rather than having them try to piece it together on their own. I speak of my being gay, but only in the same sense that someone might speak of their spouse or children – or talk about minority issues affecting them. In other words, I talk about what I did over the weekend with my lover or the Georgia sodomy law in the same sense that someone might talk about what they did with their wife over the weekend or the new tax law. I think it may be more noticeable to a straight person, though, because these issues don’t directly affect their lives, and thus it’s more jarring when they hear it, like being in a dark room when the light comes on. It may only be a 40-watt bulb, but it sure seems awfully bright.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Adam S., 28, gay white male <schmidt@care.org>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
It has always seemed to me that people who are gay who openly promote their gayness do so through insecurity more than anything else. I went through that phase myself when I was younger. Acting extremely “Nellie” or effeminate is basically stating to the world, “I’m a fag, and if you don’t like it, don’t talk to me.” My experience was that when I came out, a lot of my “friends” disowned me, and I subconsciously wanted to make sure people knew up front before I would befriend them. For me, once I gained respect for myself and established the true friendships, my Nellie-ness decreased.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Richard K, 29, gay white male <miss_moo@telusplanet.net>, Edmonton, Alberta

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I am not sure what you mean by “advertise.” I think you mean such things as showing affection in public (holding hands, kissing, etc.). It’s not that we are “advertising,” but that we are doing things everyone wants to do. I think if you look at things we do to “advertise our gayness,” you will find these are things straights do all the time, yet no one asks why straights “advertise their straightness.” All we want is to be able to do the same things the rest of society does and not be penalized for it.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Joe, gay <eldorado@io.com>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Since heterosexuality is considered the default configuration, of course you wouldn’t feel the need to advertise your “straightness.” The presumption that all people are heterosexual is a kind of cognitive economy we all employ to help us understand most people in many situations. However, this same presumption can make what would otherwise be a mundane moment in a gay man’s or lesbian woman’s life a

Lots of gay people I know think heterosexuals perceive any indication of being gay or lesbian as “advertising their gayness” or flaunting their sexuality. For example, if I am a man and I am discussing with you something that involves my partner and I, and I use the pronoun “he,” I may have revealed to you more than you would have cared to know. What other choice do I have but to completely rewrite my life story right there on the spot?

Lesbian women and gay men have to make coming-out decisions every day. Is this a safe situation? Is it important enough? How much do I care about this relationship? The closer the relationship, the more personal the transaction, the more we want to or have to share.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Rex T., gay male <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Dawn, I think you should ask instead why you have such a problem with gay people who don’t feel enough shame to accommodate your discomfort about their sexual identity. Gay people are usually (almost always?) more discreet about their sexuality than heterosexuals. The problem is in your perception.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M. <Qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Being a young gay man of the 90s and the fast-approaching millennium, I am trying to prove that theory wrong. I don’t see my way of life any different than that of a heterosexual person. With that aspect in hand, I don’t feel it necessary to boast or push being gay on anyone. I don’t wear pride jewelry or anything to represent being gay. I am just who I am, and if people can’t accept me for that, then I move on. Overall, I agree that gay people should not push the issue too much. It’s nothing new.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Mark B., 22, gay man <markbouse@hotmail.com>, Springfield, Mo
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THE QUESTION:
SO44: Do bisexual women find greater satisfaction with their male partner or female partner, and why?
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Ty, 35, straight black male, Costa Mesa, CA

ANSWER 1:
Your question seems to be making a common incorrect assumption about bisexuals: Namely, that we have to have one partner of each sex to be happy. As with gay or straight people, the choice to be monogamous or have multiple partners depends on the individual’s preference (and the preference of their partner(s), hopefully). I am a bisexual woman who is now happily married to a man. I don’t feel I’m missing out by not having a female sex partner in my life. In fact, the only time I have dated more than one person at once, I was seeing three different men! (All of whom knew I was seeing other people). Sex with women and men is different, but it’s like enjoying both chocolate and strawberry ice cream – they’re both nice in different ways, and you don’t have to have both to enjoy having ice cream. Having one or the other is equally fulfilling.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
S. Addison, 24, bisexual female, <elusis@dreamscape.com>, Syracuse, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I haven’t found there to be any significant difference between males and females in terms of love-making or level of satisfaction. It all depends on the individual. There is a greater correlation with enthusiasm and playfulness than with gender. You might say that is part of the essence of being bi: A marked lack of preference based on gender.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Athena W., 47, bisexual female, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a bisexual I have never been involved with a man and a woman at the same time, always either a man or a woman. For this reason I have never really compared my male lovers to my female lovers, as each has fulfilled a need at a specific time of my life. I have enjoyed the sexual relationship with my partner at any given time equally, in other words, experienced orgasm. I personally would be affronted if I believed I was being compared to previous lovers.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Maxi, 35, bisexual female, Johannesburg, South Africa
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THE QUESTION:
SO43: I’ve noticed that some gay people refer to themselves or their gay friends as “queer.” Do most gay people find this an acceptable term? What if it were used by a straight person?
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
J.W., Des Moines, IA

ANSWER 1:
I would not recommend a straight person use this term, unless they were a card-carrying Honorary Gay Man or Honorary Lesbian Woman. Most gay people I know are uncomfortable with this term. Though some use it, there is some debate as to whether it’s appropriate to use in all situations. For example, when speakers include this term in an address, say before the assembly of the gay and lesbian employee resource group at my workplace, there will be several loud objections afterwards. Whenever it is used, it must be used as an adjective, never as a noun.

There are probably a couple of reasons this term has become part of the gay lexicon: It can be a powerful thing to reclaim an epithet and use it in the struggle for equality (e.g. the march/rally cry, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it!”); it’s a kind of shorthand for when you are trying to be inclusive and mean “gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered.”
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Rex T. <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
Per the National Lesbian Gay Journalists Association Stylebook Addenda of Gay/Lesbian Terminology, “queer” is an umbrella term that some use in place of the inclusive but unwieldy gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender terminology. Reclamation and acceptance of the term is fairly common among gay-lesbian-bi-transgender youth, but many older glbt folks tend be be offended by it. They grew up or came out in a generation when the term was used as an insult and still tend to view it that way. I recommend straight people avoid it except when used as part of a proper name such as Queer Nation, Digital Queers, Queer Resource Directory or Rainbow Query, etc.
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
DykeOnByke, reclaimed “Goddess” name on motorcycle <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
This is a matter of personal preference. The majority of my gay friends (I am gay as well) are offended only if the intent of the words is hostile. The best thing to do is to get to know the person well and let them know you are totally accepting of their sexuality before you attempt to use such words. Even so, you may realize even after being careful that a gay person will get this dazed look on their face when you call them “queer.” Some people are simply offended by the word, while others (I believe the majority) are hurt only when the intent is to hurt.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
J.T., gay <guyuf@yahoo.com, Gainesville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
From talking to gay friends of mine, using the word “queer” is like using the word “nigger.” It’s OK to use between members of that group, but when an outsider uses it, it becomes offensive.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
B., 22, straight white male, Kokomo, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As a politically active gay man and Queer theorist, I believe homosexuality is a sexual issue, gayness is a personal identity issue and being queer is a philosophic/political issue. You don’t have to be gay to be queer. Queerness involves looking at life and responding to people in ways that avoid the limitations of binary oppositions (gay vs. straight or male vs. female, etc.) and affirms our similarities and celebrates our differences and questions the validity of assimilating ourselves into standards established by people other than ourselves.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Kevan K., queer male <kklawitter@csubak.edu>, Bakersfield, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO42: As a straight man, I am offended when I go into public restrooms and see gay pick-up lines and solicitations for dates written on restroom walls. It also offends me to see such things as holes drilled into the stall walls. My question is: How can gay men expect straight men to respect them, accept them and be less hostile toward their lifestyles in light of these offensive things, which are visible to our young sons who have to use these same restrooms?
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
William, 40, straight, Charleston, S.C.

ANSWER 1:
As a gay man, I am offended by these things, too. There is no excuse for vandalism. Heterosexuals commit ugly crimes, too, but no one condemns them as a group because of the irresponsible behavior of a few. Nor does anyone demand they police themselves so that everyone else can respect them. Why do you demand this of us when you will not or cannot do the same?

This sounds like an opportunity to teach your sons that some people behave irresponsibly, and when they do, they often leave lasting evidence. But many people behave responsibly and leave no reminder of their ever having passed through.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Rex T., 34, <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
I too am offended when I view graffiti on the walls of public restrooms. Things like female anatomy parts, phone numbers of “girlfriends,” etc. This is not a “gay” thing, it is a “guy” thing and shows a general lack of respect for people.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Steve N., 40 <blaster7@hotmail.com>, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
William, I agree vandalism is wrong, but is it possible you are really just offended by the public reference to homosexuality? As I recall, I have seen a fair amount of bathroom graffiti penned (presumably) by heterosexual men. Would you react as strongly if you and your sons were to drive past a topless bar or walk into a convenience store and see racks of (hetero) sexually explicit pornography? The public advertisement of the heterosexual male’s exploitation of women is perfectly legal, so that might cause you to feel it was somehow different. Instead of being hostile, why not set an example and teach your children to respect and accept other people’s differences?
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
David, gay man <DJohn48009@aol.com>, College Park, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’m a gay man and agree that public sex is wrong. I’ve never done it, and the gay men I know don’t, either. There are also many examples of bad heterosexual behavior to be found everywhere: Just visit a strip club or watch men solicit prostitutes before going home to their wives and children. I wouldn’t lump all heterosexuals into this category. It’s never fair to stigmatize an entire group of people based on the actions of a few. Openly gay men don’t need to lurk around in the bushes. In many cases, the men who do this are not members of the gay community, but are instead married “straight” men who have no other outlet; they would never be seen in a gay bar, participate in a Pride event or show up on Sunday morning at our local Unitarian church (which has a lesbian minister)
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Scott H., 31, gay male, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
What you’re seeing is being done by a very small percentage of gay society. Most of us are offended by this as well. Also, how do you think gay men feel seeing things in bathrooms about “straight guy needing service”? A small percentage does not represent the whole population.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Dale, gay, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I would deal with it, erase it or report it. You’ve just experienced what most women are accustomed to in public restrooms (offers for sex, holes drilled in walls, crudity – usually supplied by straight men), and already practice precautions for. Some people are just pigs, whether gay, straight, bi or whatever.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Anonymous, 26, white female, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Men who frequent the places you discuss, generally speaking, are not typical gay men, but men in the closet and uncomfortable with their sexuality. Many have wives and families and would describe themselves as straight. They are afraid of revealing homosexual elements in their personalities and so choose an anonymous outlet to meet other men. If society were more tolerant, this kind of behavior would be less prevalent. You must remember that many gay men and lesbians are continually in fear they could lose their jobs, children, place of residence or even their lives, if their sexuality were exposed. In short, this element of the lifestyle you disapprove of may be caused by your disapproval of the lifestyle.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Gay male, Havana, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I whole heartedly agree. Being a gay male, I don’t like the stereotype of an easy slut who would “do” anything that moves anywhere. Homosexual men do this sort of thing because they, like you, probably have kids and a wife, meaning they aren’t out, and are just curious. This is dangerous obviously, but they feel this is their only way to be satisfied. Maybe the next time you see this, leave the number to the local hotel and a room rate; hopefully that will light a light bulb for them. Does your son ask questions about what he sees? If so, are you honest (guess that depends on age). I only ask you to ensure that the “easy slut” stereotype isn’t implanted in his mind. Because if he learns to dislike gay men and not tolerate them, the holes in the stalls are only going to multiply.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Rob, gay male <snowdog5@aol.com>, Pittsburgh, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
There’s a time and place for most everything, but I agree that sexual drawings, sayings and invitations in a public restroom are in poor taste. I have to ask, however, whether you are bothered by your son seeing “hetero” slogans and drawings, as well as the gay ones. I don’t care for either. I’m gay and have access to enough gay clubs that I don’t feel any need to advertise in the bathroom at a mall, and I certainly wish others didn’t either, gay or straight. Either way, it makes for some embarrassing questions from a child who ends up seeing the lewd graffiti.
POSTED JUNE 30, 1998
Mark B., 37 <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
William, when you asked how we (gay men) can expect straight men to respect us, I was offended. I have no expectations of/for/about you. At all. Boys of all ages and sexual orientations write stupid stuff, and bathroom walls tend to be one of the media of choice.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M. <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
As a woman, I see offensive graffiti written by straight men all the time. Let me ask you this: How can you expect women as a whole to respect and accept men anywhere when things like that are being written? Well, somehow we still do. You can’t write off an entire group because of the actions of a few.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
J.N., female, 26 <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I think the questioner is grasping for straws on this one. A lot of that gay grafitti you were talking about was written by straight guys trying to defame a person they knew. It was true in high school and it’s more than likely true for adolesently minded adults. There are other things written on men’s room walls than just gay grafitti. If you use this as an excuse to oppose homosexuality, you don’t even want to consider it, but feel you need an excuse not to.
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Dionysus <dionysus1976@hotmail.com>, Indianapolis, IN
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO41: Why does it seem that gay people think about sex so much?
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Danny, Hollywood, CA

ANSWER 1:
Gay men and lesbian women think about sex about as much as heterosexuals do. Without knowing why you believe what you do about gay people, it is impossible to answer the question. Heterosexual people may believe gay people think about sex more than they do because they simply overlook the images of mixed-gender sex that saturate everyday life. You may perceive that gay people think about sex because it is probably the one thing about our lives that is different from yours, so it appears obvious to you and you think that is all we think about. That is hardly the case. To be honest, I think heterosexual people think about our sex lives far more than we do.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
Rex T., 34, gay white male, <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
Danny, as a gay man I doubt that I think about sex any more than you do. I too worry about how I will pay the bills this month and have a few bucks left over. I worry about the emotional state of our youth. I wonder if my religious beliefs will hold up when I die. I wonder if people like me for the right reasons. I worry about my parents’ health. I wonder if my lover and I will survive all of the above issues. I wonder if straights really think that my whole life is really wrapped up in aspects of sex. Yes, I believe sex is an important issue for couples to deal with. Yes, for gays and lesbians there are some unique issues of sex to work out, but sex is only a small percentage of my life’s concerns. Life is much more complex than “who does who and how.”
Steve N., 40, <blaster7@hotmail.com>, Dallas, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think the question should be, “Why do straight people think that gay people think about sex so much?” I don’t believe anyone really knows how much anyone else thinks about sex. Gay or straight, any person might think about sex either more or less than someone else. I would guess that because gay people aren’t held to the same “rules” as straight people (keep your virginity, get married, have a baby, etc.), straight people may believe we’re much more sexually active. However, not having the same rules doesn’t mean we don’t have morals, ethics or a belief in monogamy. Also, the only gay people that most of America is exposed to are the extreme examples on daytime talk shows, and that probably leads people to think we’re all very loose and flamboyant. The truth is, we’re just like you.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998
Allison, female, 34, Costa Mesa, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Danny, how do you know the thoughts and frequency of gay men’s sexual idiations? I’m betting you think as much about sex as I do. Maybe more, because I don’t sit around thinking about the straight-sex thinking of straight men.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M., gay male <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Maybe we do think about sex a lot more than you, maybe we have it more, too. Your question reminds me of the meaning of “promiscuous.” The only meaning to me of “promiscuous” is having more sexual partners than the person speaking. I know my present long-term boyfriend asked when we met if I was promiscuous. I asked what that meant to him, and that meant more than five partners..I suppose the real question might be, Why shouldn’t we think about sex more, and have it more? Our Judeo-Christian value system in the West seems to have demonized sex so much that it seems not OK to have more than “a little bit.” Done safely, why not?
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Jeff, 26, gay white male, <jleppard@hotmail.com>, Bangkok, Thailand