Sexual Orientation Questions 61-70

THE QUESTION:
SO70: As a child, I was a frequent victim of “gay bashing” at the hands of other children of the same or a slightly older age. I was not merely accused of being gay; it was accepted by my peers as a fact. It affected me severely, and now, as an adult, I stutter and live a celibate life without female companionship of any kind. Here is the kicker: I am straight, and the boys who most tortured me in childhood are now almost all living openly homosexual lives. One is even a drag queen. Why would some homosexuals beat up on other homosexuals?
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Bryan, 31, straight white male, Canada

ANSWER 1:
For the same reason straights do: To “prove” they’re not gay and thus avoid getting harassed themselves. Some of the most violent gay-bashers have been closeted gays whose actions are motivated by self-hatred. Of course, the majority of gay-bashers are straight, but their actions may still be motivated by a fear that they would have their own sexuality questioned; hence the term “homophobe” was coined. Of more concern is the impression in your post that you feel this adolescent taunting has permanently damaged your own hope for a healthy sexuality. As I know of many gay men, myself included, who underwent terrible abuse during our teenage years, I can assure you it is possible to heal and move on. Don’t give up and don’t continue to empower those who abused you – this is a lesson all gay men, and all oppressed peoples, have had to learn.
POSTED SEPT. 2, 1998
Mark M., 42, gay male, <marknyc@hotmail.com>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a child, I was harassed a lot in school and by my neighborhood peers, too. I don’t know the sexual orientation of my tormentors today, but I was assured by one of my teachers that they were merely covering for their own insecurities over their own identities. This was but a small comfort. The teasing still hurt. Kids of all stripes are cruel, I think.

I was fortunate to have supportive adults in my life (though they were not my parents) who helped me learn to be comfortable in my own skin. They taught me that the only person I had to measure up to was myself, how to set my standards high and how to achieve those standards. Were it not for them, I doubt I would have made it out of adolescence at all.
POSTED SEPT. 2, 1998
Rex T., 35, <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO69: What do most straight people really think when you hear or read about gay people attempting to advance our civil rights – including reducing stereotypes and discrimination, passing legislation that protects gay people from discrimination in employment, etc.?
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Palmer, 30, gay male, <sammas99@hotmail.com>, Central, GA

ANSWER 1:
I do not have any problems with the concept of “gay rights” (I put it in quotes because it is a movement). It would seem obvious to me that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, government, etc. However, there are times when I think the methods used to gain/retain those rights are misguided. For example, the head writer for Ellen recently stated that anyone who did not think the sitcom was the “best-written show in television history” must be a homophobe. As someone who does not watch sitcoms, I thought that was an ignorant and damaging statement. Was that supposed to advance gay rights? If so, I imagine it did more to hurt than help. Of course, the issue is far more complicated than that. Many object to gay rights because they believe gays and lesbians are lobbying for rights they already possess, or ask for more than they should reasonably expect. An example is the recent movement to have employers extend health benefits to the partners of gay/lesbian employees. One could argue that no employer would ever be asked to extend benefits to a striaght employee’s live-in girlfriend or boyfriend or fiance, so why should it be different for gays/lesbians? As I said, “gay rights” is a simple concept, but it is very difficult to make the concept into reality.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
John K., 25, straight Irish-American male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE:
When I hear about that, I think it just makes sense, and I wonder how anyone could justify opposing it. But that’s the nature of bigotry, I guess – fundamentally nonsensical.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Andrew, 34, straight <ziptron@hotmail.com>, Huntington, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Thank you for asking. A real attempt to understand. I don’t think much about the activities you describe. When they are conducted in the legislative arena (at whatever level), I generally applaud those who take the time and trouble to organize themselves and work within the system to get something accomplished. I do my best to understand the issues from the gay point of view. When they are conducted in the social arena, I am not uncomfortable and again, attempt to see things from the other side. When they are accompanied by confrontational tactics, however, I find myself turned off. I know there are those who might argue that with some folks, confrontation is the only thing that will work. I just don’t buy that. I must admit that my viewpoint is colored by the fact that I live in a heavily gay part of my city and have long had many gay friends and neighbors.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
John, 48, straight white guy <voiceman@electrotex.com>, Houston, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO68: As both a transsexual and a lesbian, I have a hard time with the gay and lesbian community at large, which fails to acknowledge transsexuals can also be as queer as they are. Why can’t gays and lesbians accept us for who we are – their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters?
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Marlene, 38, out and proud transsexual lesbian <marleneb@wcnet.org>, N. Baltimore, OH

ANSWER 1:
As a 41-year old gay man, I remember the discrimination against drag queens that ran rampant in the gay male community. Many gay men are particularly insecurie about their masculinity, and feel they have to attack those who “cross over” in role. And while it isn’t as bad as it used to be, many in the lesbian community are insecure about anything male-associated, which includes women who have sex with men and women who used to be men. It’s almost a “loyalty oath” mentality, as in the notion that lesbian female transexuals are predatory straight men who got a sex change so they could hit on “real” lesbian women. It’s ridiculous, but there it is.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Josh G. gay-identified bisexual man <joshuag@slip.net>, San Francisco, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO67: I am a mother ot two and love my husband very much and enjoy sex with him, but I find myself attracted to women. Has anyone ever acted on these kinds of feelings, and what has been the result?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
L.E., Georgetown, IL

ANSWER 1:
I am a gay male who was married to a woman for 12 years when I decided to act on my feelings of homosexuality. I have four children and my now ex-wife and I still talk, but it changed our relationship forever. I guess I would have to say I am not sorry I came out; as a matter of fact I am finally happy. I always knew I was gay, but my question to you is “Are you just curious or are you gay?” Not an easy answer, and finding out can change your life forever.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
David , 33, Euro-American <GayDadwgr@aol.com>, Detriot, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a heterosexual female. Before I met and married my husband, I found myself attracted to a female as well. I think women have beautiful bodies. The curves and shapes are truly a work of art. I had a brief encounter with this woman. It was an experience, but, I will say this, I didn’t find it nearly as satisfying as my relationship with my husband. I love men and men’s bodies. God did a marvelous thing when he created two types of bodies that fit so perfectly. Enjoy your appreciation of the female anatomy. Enjoy your husband. But you are in a marriage commitment, and I believe that is your primary concern. Don’t do anything that will jeopardize your family. You must think about the repercussions of your actions should you decide to act on these feelings and/or fantasies. Are you willing to lose everything you have for this?
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
A., straight female, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If you have always been homosexual, and got married only in an attempt to deny that fact or escape from it, you may be entitled to sympathy. If you never loved your husband and never had any sexual desire for him, it’s possible that leaving him is the right thing to do. However, since you say you love your husband and enjoy sex with him, you are not entitled to special rights or special sympathy just because the person you’re attracted to is a woman. A heterosexual male who says, “I love my wife and I like sex with her, but I just noticed this woman down the road, and I’m experiencing lust for her” would not be met with sympathy and compassion. He’d be told: “Look, mister, you took a vow before God to be faithful to your wife. Your current desires are irrelevant.” And I say the same thing to any bisexual married person. You have no more right to cheat with a member of your own sex than you would with a member of the opposite sex.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Astorian, straight male, 37 <Astorian@aol.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am in a 10-year relationship with a woman but have sex with other men and women too. I found out monogamy does not work for me, and I’d rather not be in a relationship than be forced into a monogamous one. However, that may not work for you. If your attraction to women is strong enough, you’d act on it sooner or later. You need to think about how to handle this. It’d be best if you could talk to your husband about this. It’s never good to ruin a good relationship if it can be avoided.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Josh G., gay-identified bisexual man <joshuag@slip.net>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
You may have other options besides denying your feelings. I don’t know any man who hasn’t fantasized about the Menage a Trois. Perhaps you should find out your husband’s feelings on the subject. He may be eager to explore this facet of your sexuality with you. The personal ads are full of ads from bi-curious couples and individuals. It is not at all uncommon these days, and it would allow you to get in touch with those feelings that will only get stronger if they are repressed.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Ian B., Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO66: I would like to know if there is more racism in the gay community than in society in general. I live in San Francisco, and whenever I drive through the Castro, it looks like 99.9 percent of the gay men are white. Gays of color tell me they will not go there based on discriminatory treatment received. There is one black bar, and gay Hispanics have their bars in other parts of town. Does “the gay community” really mean for gay and white men only?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
M. White, black <Sfa2z@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

ANSWER 1:
Here in Dallas it appears to me, a white gay male, that there is more of a separation between Hispanic and white gay males than between black and white gay males. My husband and I don’t go out on any kind of regular basis, but when we do we go to a bar that has a 90 percent white crowd, with the other 10 percent being of other nationalities. I’m pretty sure the bar does little to ask for a particular nationality since it’s one of many bars owned by the same corporation that makes big bucks on anyone who walks in the front door. I think San Francisco might be different.
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Steve, 46, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am African American and live in the Castro. I have not experienced racism from my neighbors or from the neighborhood shopkeepers, but I have experienced it from some men in some of the bars. The neighborhood in general is friendly, quiet and relaxing. It’s a joy to live here. It’s empowering to share a home with my my partner and be able to enjoy the restaurants and cafes and other gay-oriented outlets here. The Castro is about being gay, whatever color you are. Because the Castro is considered “ground zero” for gay people all around the world, hundreds of tourists flock to the Castro every day and night. I believe most of the men in the bars here don’t actually live in the neighborhood, or in San Francisco, for that matter. There are bars with a better mix of people (all in other neighborhoods) and there are predominantly gay black male bars in Oakland. I would conclude that most bars in this neighborhood simply don’t appeal to black men. Like me, most of my black friends prefer dance clubs rather than bars, and all of the dance clubs are in SoMa.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Tony W., 36 gay black male <tonyway@yahoo.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Recent census data show the Castro to be about 80 to 85 percent white, whereas San Francisco as a whole is barely 50 percent white. Gay publications seem to have primarily white models in their cover and article illustrations and in advertisements. Many gay events – the Castro Street Fair, Pride parade, etc. – seem to attract primarily white participants and spectators. As a white person who dates only Asian men, I am especially sensitive to this. In my gay sport activities I have never seen it as an issue – and I seem to see more non-whites in those settings than in social life. But there may also be another factor at work: That some non-white cultures are more homophobic. But racism can be so subtle it is a constant fight to keep it weeded out of one’s psyche – if a person even really wants to. Just because a person is gay doesn’t mean he or she isn’t racist.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Chuck, 35, gay white male, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not know if there is more racism per se in the gay community than in whatever prevails in the surrounding community at large. A recent television documentary on “The Castro” also mentioned the predominance of white gay men in that San Franscisco district. From my observations in the Midwest, there does appear to be a more distinct division of activities along racial lines in larger urban areas than in medium-sized cities. Why this is I could not say for sure. Racism may play some part. My guess is that gay and lesbian bars and activities are so much less available in smaller towns that everyone shows up for them regardless of race or ethnic background. But in large urban areas such as Detroit, where there are sizable gay populations of several ethnic backgrounds, minority members may choose to patronize specific bars or organize groups and activities specifically geared toward various minority groups.

I was surprised whem Detroit Mayor Dennis Archer, who has maintained friendly relations with the gay community, did not recognize the organizing groups for Hotter Than July, the Detroit area’s yearly black gay pride celebration, and initially withheld support for that celebration. Letters of support from a wide range of community groups helped to educate the mayor, a sample of diverse ethnic groups working together.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
DykeOnByke, white lesbian, 48 <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO65: I am a teacher and my sixth-graders have been using the word “gay” as a slang term meaning “good.” Is this viewed as an insulting term?
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Karen, Portland, OR

ANSWER 1:
As a teacher, I can assure you the phrase “that’s gay” does not mean “that’s good.” It means “that’s stupid or gross or creepy or uncool,” and I would assume your students told you it means “good” so that you will allow them to continue saying it, thus demeaning gay people and putting one over on you at the same time.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Max H., Oakland , CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Yep, using the word “gay”as slang among young people means “stupid, gross, odd.” They lied to you.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Shon J., 23 <shonj@hotmail.com>, Akron, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have never heard the word gay used to mean good, particulary among youngsters. I have encountered a few elderly people who didn’t know it meant anything more than its original usage as happy. I have heard teenagers use the phrase “That is so gay” (often accompanied by an exaggerated flip of the wrist) to mean something stereotypically gay, usually something flamboyant.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian, 48 <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield , MI
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO64: My three-year-old son loves to play with Barbies and likes to be “the girl” whenever he and his brother role-play. He plays with girlfriends’ purses and high heels and loves pink. Are these early signs of homosexuality?
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
P.S.K., 28-year-old mother of two boys, FL

ANSWER 1:
I have a nephew who is four. He played with Barbies and wore high-heel shoes. I think it is natural curiosity for kids to do this.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
E.J., 33, gay male <ej2130@aol.com>, Tampa, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
For people who view with horror a kid’s emerging queer identity, the reassuring response is “Oh, it’s just a phase. He’ll grow out of it.” And that you’ll see that these behaviors will, indeed, diminish or even disappear. But that’s often because he’s getting negative reactions for his gender-contradictory behavior. He’s being peer-socialized into stereotypical male gender behavior. Does that mean he’s no longer a gay-oriented kid? Not at all. It means he doesn’t want to be teased and tortured for his “girlish” behavior. I can remember going through this process with my little fellow sissies. We continued to do the Barbie Trip in private.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Max H., gay man, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Reverse gender-role play is natural in many young children, and in no way indicates any bearing on the development of their sexual orientation. If such behavior continues several years down the road, however, it may be a sign of transgenderism (a.k.a. gender dysphoria). Transgenderism is when one’s gender identity (which is purely mental and has no bearing on orientation) is at odds with one’s physical sex. In this case, your son would be mentally developing as a female (or as a male/female hybrid) and crossdressing is pure stress relief from the masculine role society is pushing him into. Don’t consider therapy of any sort if your son does turn out to be transgendered; numerous studies have proved that transgenderism, like homosexuality, cannot be “cured.” Love and nurture him like you would any other child, and he will thank you for it later in life.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Korpios, 19, bigendered <korpios@darkblade.com>, Warwick, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not have personal experience with this, but it’s my feeling that all children naturally explore as they are forming their identities – I think it is healthy for the child to do so, and he should be allowed this freedom, but should be prepared for the fact that other adults and children may criticize him for it. I do not think it makes a child gay. I’ve heard very bad stories of young people doing this, being taken to psychiatrists and being diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, then going through terrible treatment programs, or even being institutionalized – so be careful.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica N., female, 26, bisexual, white <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO63: I have heard that the size of certain structures in the brain and inner ear is linked to sexual orientation. Is this true?
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Dave A., Camden, NJ

ANSWER 1:
There are anecdotal reports of anatomical differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals, though to my knowledge no major study has been done. The inner ear findings you mention refer to a report that lesbians are more likely to have a hearing sensitivity similar to that of heterosexual males, rather than heterosexual females (there are some well-known hearing differences between straight men and women). There have also been reports that lesbian fingerprints often follow trends associated with males. These findings suggest that some lesbians may have been exposed to a masculinizing influence in utero, though no one knows what this might be. However, these differences were not found in all lesbians – only in a disproportionate number of them.
POSTED JAN. 12,1999
Tim, male, gay, 32, mailto:tcran@hotmail.com, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
Researchers were examining possible differences between lesbians and heterosexual women. When they studied the inner ear structure in women who had died, they discovered a statistically significant difference between the inner ears of lesbians and those of heterosexual women. The significance of this was that, up to that point, no physical differences had been found between heterosexual and homosexual women, and there had been speculation that, while gay men may have been “born that way,” lesbians were perhaps “choosing” their sexual orientation. Gay men, by the way, have been found to have different hypothalmus glands than straight men, and research is still looking for other physical differences.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Larry M,, male, Westmoreland , NH
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO62: How might someone who practices a homosexual lifestyle respond , specifically, to the following two arguments against homosexual tendencies being natural/inborn feelings: 1) The American Psychiatric Association used to consider homosexuality a treatable psychological disorder (like, for example, pedophilia still is) and 2) the growing number of people leaving their homosexual lifestyle.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Fred S., <A592M341E@aol.com>, Bermont, CA

ANSWER 1:
Well, I have never understood what a “homosexual lifestyle” is supposed to be, but I am gay, so I suppose that counts for Fred S. Gay people have lots of very different lifestyles, but some people seem to think that who we fall in love with is the only defining factor in our “lifestyle.” The American Psychiatric Association used to consider homosexuality a treatable psychological disorder, but they no longer do. I don’t see how this is an argument against homosexuality being inborn – respectable psychiatrists used to think that autism was caused by emotional neglect, but that has been proven to be untrue, and the fact that people once thought otherwise isn’t really considered relevant. How would an anti-gay person respond, specifically, to the fact that the American Psychiatric Association no longer considers homsexuality to be abnormal? As for the “growing numbers of people leaving their homosexual lifestyle,” I have never seen credible evidence of this. For another perspective, check out the Ex-ex-gays website at http://members.aol.com/exexgay/.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Selena, 29, white non-straight female, Berkeley, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I lost my virginity to a guy when I was 16. I listened to my friends who were sleeping with girls and thought I should at least try it before I admitted being gay. I tried this for almost six years (going straight as it were) and it was the only point in my life where choice decided my sexual preference. It made me miserable, lonely and depressed. It went against my very nature. I can tell you from firsthand experince that being gay is not a choice. It’s part of who I am. It seems completely natural to me. And if being gay or lesbian is a choice, why don’t you try it out, to prove to everyone that it is a choice? Or does that go against your inner nature as much as being straight goes against mine? I have a life, not a “lifestyle.”
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
Dionysus, 22, gay white male

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
For (1): The American Psychiatric Association is a group of doctors, and we all know doctors have changed their thinking drastically over the years as science has advanced. Just because doctors used to treat almost all illnesses by bleeding and purging, for example, does not mean we should still do so today. Similarly, most psychiatrists now feel that homosexuality can no longer be scientifically classified as a mental illness. For (2): I don’t know if you have any hard statistics to back up the number of people claiming to have changed their sexual orientation – it may be rising,,or just getting more publicity due to the recent ad campaign by the Religious Right. However, all scientific inquiries in these cases have shown that the individual involved does not change his or her orientation, they merely suppress its manifestations.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
John, gay male, 42, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Fred, before I answer your question, let me clarify something: I don’t “practice a homosexual lifestyle”; I’m just gay. It’s as much a part of my identity as my job, my friends or my religious beliefs. There is no such thing as any one “homosexual lifestyle” any more than there is any one “heterosexual lifestyle.” As for the APA once classifying homosexuality as a psychological disorder, it realized its error and corrected it. Science is always advancing, and that sometimes means that some theories are discovered to be without basis. For example, scientists once believed the earth was flat, but they had to discard that theory in the face of new evidence. In response to your second question, I really don’t think it’s possible to change your sexual orientation. You can, of course, deny it and cultivate enough self-loathing to try and live a lie in order to please others, but even so-called “transformation ministries” decline to publish their “success” rates. That leads me to believe that they merely try to suppress gay people’s true natures, not change them, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s kind of like making a left-handed person write with his right hand. He can usually do it, but it’s very difficult, and it never feels as comfortable or natural as when he writes with his left hand.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mike B., 25, gay right-handed male <meb@ukrpack.net>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Many medical associations have made incorrect declarations over the years. In the past, for example, it was widely assumed that bottle feeding infants was no worse than breast feeding, and that autism was caused by poor parenting. Both opinions have been changed. I see the APA�s stance on homosexuality as no different. At its essense, science is about admitting the possibility of error as illustrated through carefully documented evidence, gathered by objective investigators. This standard also applies to people “leaving” homosexuality. The very institution you cite as an authority (the APA) has expressed skepticism as to the effectiveness of conversion therapies, because of lack of evidence. I don�t believe any ex-gay ministry has participated in a detailed double-blind scientific study to back up its claims. Until this happens, many people will consider ex-gay ministries to be wishful thinking rather than an actual phenomenon. Science is not about anecdotes, it is about data.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Tim Cranston, gay male <tcran@hotmail.com>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
First of all, a note on the term “homosexual lifestyle”: There isn’t one. It is as absurd to speak of a homosexual “lifestyle” as a heterosexual “lifestyle.” Gays come in all political stripes, races and behavior habits; in this way they don’t differ from straights. Living on a houseboat is a “lifestyle;” I have a life. That having been said, my answer to question #1: Scientific, medical and psychological research very often causes society to reevaluate its attitudes. For instance, people who are schizophrenic used to be viewed as demonically possessed in centuries past. The APA rightly determined that lesbians and gay men are just as capable of enjoying happy, healthy lives and relationships regardless of their sexual orientation. As for question #2, I recognize there are some say people who become so convinced their sexual orientation is somehow “wrong” that they choose to be celibate; yet even such people recognize that their sexual attractions remain. It may also be argued that for every one person who renounces his or her homosexuality, there are many others who come out of the closet after years of deception and pretending to be straight.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck A., 39, gay male <PolishBear@aol.com>, Spring Hill, WV

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To the first question, “used to” is the operative term. I think in our society it is probably understandable, given the prejudice against homosexuality, that at one time this was viewed as a disorder. The psychologists would have been conditioned to believe this was the case, and many of the homosexual people they met were unhappy with their lot, having been told for years that it meant at least there was something wrong with them, and at most that it meant they were damned to hell. That’s a pretty heavy dose to take. I’m only glad there were enough people of strong character to see beyond this cultural conditioning and the misery it inflicted. To the second question, I support people in finding the appropriate path, sexually and otherwise, for themselves. I am bothered, though, by the guilt and pressure applied to people to “recover” from their homosexuality. If such choices are to be made (if choices are even the right word – I think in many cases “acquiring deeper self-knowledge” might be more appropriate) they need to be made freely, and I don’t think such high-pressure tactics allow for that. Are you aware of the various support groups for people who have been through therapy (often supported by a religious group) to combat their homosexuality and in the end found the therapy to be more harmful than anything else? It is a complex situation, and I can only hope that all people involved find what they need, whatever that is.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Catherine H., 25, bisexual <tylik@eskimo.com >, Woodinville, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
1) It’s called “learning” or “becoming educated.” The APA took the action because it learned, after much research, that homosexuality is in fact not a mental disorder. (That some people cannot accept that fact and still use the term “lifestyle” shows the need for continued education.) Homophobia is, I believe, listed, at least as an aberrant belief. 2. Two related responses: First, far, far more people are accepting their homosexuality and coming out of hiding, from straight marraiges and other shams. Second, gay people for years have bowed to societal pressure and hidden their true natures, in marriages and elsewhere. “Leaving the homosexual lifestyle” is nothing more than bowing to that pressure; many who have been so pressured have later recanted.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck, 35, gay male

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I frankly don’t know whether homosexual tendencies are inborn, and the two “arguments” you cite don’t offer much evidence either way. As you know, the major American psychiatric and psychological organizations no longer consider homosexuality a disorder. Even if homosexuality were a treatable condition, its roots would remain ambiguous. With a few minor exceptions, psychiatry has yet to determine whether any given mental disorder is a result of biology, environment or some combination. Your reference to gays and lesbians “leaving their homosexual lifestyle” implies that such folks have changed their behavior. It says little about their feelings or attractions, and nothing about where these feelings come from. No doubt some gays and lesbians cease same-gender sexual activity, usually out of religious sentiments. Celibacy has long been practiced by heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Most gays and lesbians trace their same-sex impulses to early childhood. Whatever factors affect sexual orientation seem to be important very early in life and have a profound impact – not the type of thing that’s easily changed.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Charles L., 30, gay male

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
The leading scientists of the world used to consider the world flat; pundits used to think that any vehicular speed over 40 m.p.h. would be fatal. The point is that as a society and as intelligent beings, we must grow and learn. The A.P.A. continued researching homosexuality and discovered wasn’t any reason to classify it the way it was. Leaving the lifestyle? What lifestyle? I’m a gay Christian, and my lifestyle sure isn’t the same as my gay neighbor’s lifestyle, whether he’s Christian or not. I can just as easily say that I sure see a lot of people leaving the heterosexual lifestyle; what with all the people publicly coming out. It means nothing. No group can be marginalized by a single “lifestyle.” It doesn’t exist. The point is to take assumptions and challenge them with research; reading new books on the subjects and talking to people who have insight into the issues. I mean, after all, some of my best friends are straight!
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mark B., 37, gay white male <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
You may be unaware of this, but describing my gayness as a “lifestyle” is a code word, a way of dismissing my ability to love, my hopes and my dreams, as if they were something I casually decided to do one morning, like taking a Caribbean cruise. Now to your specific questions: (1) As you noted, the American Psychiatric Association changed its recommendations on homosexuality in 1973, in the face of overwhelming factual evidence of the many millions of gays and lesbians who lead happy, productive lives, and whose psychological problems, if any, are the result of growing up in a society that is at best, indifferent, and frequently, hostile to them. The essence of the scientific method followed by these professionals is to search and research, with a willingness to discard pet theories when the facts require. Unlike pedophiles, who I agree are severely disordered, healthy gays and lesbians do not use force or seduction to trap unwary, helpless victims; our relationships are with other consenting adults. (2) Although the “ex-gay” movement has stepped up its efforts, most notably in a recent series of ads in several national newspapers, I see no evidence that large numbers of gays and lesbians are becoming heterosexuals. I live in a large city and have dozens of gay friends, many of whom have been in relationships for decades; I’m not aware of any of them changing. I suspect that the increased visibility of both gay groups and conservative religious organizations in this debate gets increasing media attention, making it appear that more people are involved in “ex-gay” groups than really exist. Psychological research strongly suggests that although sexual behavior can be altered in response to outside pressure or conditioning, sexual orientation is generally fixed by puberty.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Scott H., 32, gay male, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Homosexuality is a difference that has often resulted in persecution and trauma, which once made many homosexuals less emotionally unstable. Psychiatrists probably noticed this and concluded homosexuality was the problem. Of course the real problem was the persecution. Many things used to be treated as illnesses that no longer are, e.g. left-handedness. Medical attitudes change over time. The “homosexuality as an illness” argument you’ve posited is redundant. To address the “illness” argument: I didn’t become ill, I realized I was homosexual, and for me and most of my friends it was something we’d always known, that was always “there.” I might ask, “If homosexuality is an illness, can I call in queer to work ?” This illustrates the silliness of this argument. Where is the evidence of homosexuals giving up the homosexual lifestyle (whatever that is)? Even if they do give it u, that is no proof their preference has changed, just their outward behavior.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Ben, 30, queer male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
On your first point, you’ve answered your own question. They “used to” consider it a treatable mental disorder, but most of that was based on hundreds of years of ignorance about human development and biology. Today, homosexuality is understood to be just another aspect of the human being, not something to be “cured” or “treated.” As a 50-year-old baby boomer, I have been a gay male since as far back as I can remember (although in pre-teen years I didn’t fully realize or understand it, as no one, not even my parents, attempted to educate me nor discuss my sexual development), and have been in a loving, stable, completely open, sharing and committed relationship with another male for almost 20 years.

As to your question about becoming an ex-gay, I believe there are people at both ends of the sexual-orientation spectrum, from absolutely, 100 percent heterosexual to 100 percent homosexual, and everywhere in between. I don’t doubt that those who fall somewhere along that spectrum can actually live their lives as wholly one or the other when it comes to the physical sex act, but no one’s mental make-up, which most truly defines and drives their sexual desires, is ever actually “changed.” You can paint a horse to look like a zebra, but inside it’s still a horse. Ok, I’m not great at analogies, but this seemed to carry the most visual impact to make my point – what you grow up to be is what you are, no matter how you try to act differently. As a man of the Christian faith, I pray that God’s love will always be the leading motivation in mankind’s loving treatment of each other, not as a club to be used for discrimination and hatred. Although sexual orientation (either way) may be the result of a multitude of complex factors, such as biology, early developmental years, environment, sibling relationships, etc., and therefore so much a part of a person’s complete psychological makeup as to be truly unchangeable, prejudice, hatred and discrimination have to be taught, and therefore can be changed. What this world needs is not more “ex-gays” but more “ex-bigots.”
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Michael, male, USAF (ret), gay, Dover, DE

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
I have never seen convincing evidence that people can “convert” from gay to straight, as some claim. Such an assertion may be true. On the other hand, it could be a falsehood created to serve an anti-gay agenda, just as saying “I have genetic proof that Asians are mentally superior to whites” could actually be motivated by racism. Such controversial claims require evidence. If you want to convice me that what you are saying is true and not a subtle form of manipulation, you’d better have first-rate scientific data on hand, gathered by a reputable organization with no tendentious interest in the outcome of the study. So far, I’ve only heard anecdotes and testimonials of people changing sexual orientation. In fact, I’ve heard a few stories of people renouncing their “conversions” as well. Sorry, but without real, solid, peer-reviewed published evidence, I’m not buying it. You might as well ask me to “take your word for it” that a UFO landed in your back yard.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Will, 32, gay white male <whuer@hotmail.com>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I am responding to the second part of your question, about people “leaving” the homosexual lifestyle. I am a bisexual female who previously dated only men. At about age 21, I became aware I was also attracted to women. Sexuality can and does change, or become more clear. I believe what people are seeing is either denial of their true feelings, in which they wish to be hetero and hence convince themselves, or the homosexual experience was an experimentation and not a reflection of a true orientation. Hence, if they are not gay by birth, they have nothing to actually “change.”
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
Kerry, 28, bisexual female, Ventura, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
The APA learned lessons from its research and changed its position. Gay men and women are not sick. The number of people leaving “the gay lifestyle” that you know of is deceptive. Those “ex-gay” groups apparently are good at manipulating the press. Besides, the “ex-gays” I’ve seen on the national media didn’t strike me so much as “really gay” at one time, but “really desperate” at one time.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Steve, male, Dallas, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
SO61: I’ve noticed that gay men sometimes wear bands on their right-hand ring finger. Does this symbolize anything?
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Wilbur C., Orlando, FL

ANSWER 1:
My “significant other” and I wear matching bands on our right ring fingers. This symbolizes our commitment to each other, much as a wedding ring would. Since we are not married (because we cannot do so) and do not enjoy the societal and legal benefits of marriage, we do not wear our rings in the traditional spot, which would normally symbolize legal marriage.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
Jeff G., 31, gay, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
This seems to be something of a trend. Although there don’t seem to be any fixed rules, a silver or gold band on the right ring finger would indicate that particular gay man is in a committed relationship, just as heterosexual couples wear wedding bands on the LEFT hand. Perhaps it is a statement not only of committment but also pride in oneself as a gay person. Many years ago there seemed to be similar notions about which ear to pierce, but with people piercing just about every flap of flesh they can these days, those rules have gone out the window.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck A., 39, gay male <PolishBear@aol.com>, Spring Hill, WV

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’ve worn my ring on my right hand for years for two specific reasons: One is that it is a tradition in some European countries. The other is that it is not heterosexual. I like to identify myself as a “married” man (even though it isn’t legal yet) but don’t want to be misconstrued as straight. I still get asked what my wife’s name is, and I reply my spouse’s name is Michael.
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Allan, 38, happily married gay male, San Jose, CA