Sexual Orientation Questions 101-110

THE QUESTION:
SO110: I’m a 14-year-old gay teenager and would like any of the older gay men out there to please give me some advice about coming out, etc.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Gay, 14, <ham111@hotmail.com>, Ontario, Canada

ANSWER 1:
It is incredibly tough to give advice on this, especially at your age. First, you must be sure that you yourself have accepted (as much as is possible) your own sexual orientation. At your age, this may be quite difficult to do. After that, start with your immediate family (mom and dad). Try to choose a time when everyone is relaxed and there is adequate time for you to spend discussing the issue. Try to gauge your parents’ feelings regarding homosexuality by asking questions here and there without actually coming out or seeming obvious in your questioning. You should be able to tell how receptive your parents will be. Just realize that his will most definitely be a defining moment in your life. Your parents are not going to be happy or necessarily accepting at first. Once they have time to think about it and realize you are the same person you’ve always been, they’ll gradually be more accepting. Coming out is a very long process. Be patient – best wishes.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Brian, 26, gay white male

FURTHER NOTICE:
A lot depends on how your parents will take the news. What do they think of homosexuality ? For instance, if they see a gay story on TV, what comment would they make? Are they likely to react in an aggressive way? You may want to access local gay organizations that may have youth support groups, if there are any in your area. It is really difficult to advise what to do in this situation without knowing the specifics of your relationships with your family, the area you live in, etc. One critical thing is to be yourself. I wouldn’t give your parents a serving of gay rhetoric; it might create the impression that this isn’t you speaking, that you’ve been influenced by someone. So make it clear that this is how you are feeling, that it is your individual decision.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
First, be careful about how “out” you are, depending on where you live. Remember Matthew Shepard. Although polls show that most people take a “live and let live” attitude about homosexuality, there are still plenty of confused, ignorant, hate-filled people who are more than happy to beat you up for something you have no choice about. I’m not trying to scare you into the closet, I’m just warning you that you can be a martyr and wear your sexuality on your sleeve, or you can, to a certain extent, blend in with society. It’s your choice, and if you’re lucky enough to live in a big metropolitan area where there is a large gay community, so much the better, because someone else has done the work to make life easier for you. I’m sure this bit of advice will enrage a few, but those of us who aren’t the type to protest and scream (I have nothing but respect for most of those brave enough to do it) far outnumber those who do. We’re out, but quietly, and we do our part to earn the respect of straight society and help just as much to further the cause of putting down our repression by showing we’re just like them in all ways but one.

Second, be gentle with your family and friends about coming out. Do it quietly and with compassion about their feelings. Don’t do it for shock value. If you can get their support, life is going to be a lot easier. Don’t expect them to embrace your sexuality immediately, and be prepared to lose some friends because of it. They may never bring themselves to the point where they completely understand homosexuality, but perhaps eventually you can at least make them understand that being gay is not a choice and that you embrace it and enjoy it.

Some help in coming out can be found in books at most larger bookstores and libraries in the human sexuality section, and online. Read them and then share them with the people who matter to you. Remember that if you can’t find support from your family, you’ll be making family for the rest of your life through gay friends. Some of mine are closer than family.

One more thing and I’ll shut up: Practice safe sex. Read everything you can get your hands on about HIV/AIDS. There are hundreds of thousands of people in this part of the world, and plenty in your city, who are HIV-positive, and they can and will pass the virus to you if the proper precautions aren’t taken. The new advances in medicine are great, but they aren’t a cure. The medications being used by positive men and women to control the disease have terrible side effects that you don’t want to live with. Until a real cure/vaccine is found, assume every man you ever have sex with is HIV-positive.

Good luck. You’re in for a fun ride. Enjoy it!
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Michael, 39, gay white male, Winston-Salem, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
You say you are from Ontario, but you don’t say if you are from a city or small town. If you are in a city, you should be able to connect with a lesbian or gay youth group. If you are in a rural area, this may be more difficult, but in Ontario there is a province-wide youth hotline called the Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Youthline. I think it has a website with a telephone number. My advice is that you contact one of these groups and talk to someone, especially someone close to your own age. Having been a volunteer with a number of gay youth groups over the past few years, I think it best that you talk to another young gay person. Good luck.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Doug K. <dkerr@uwgt.org>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
First, coming out has to be viewed in perspective. My coming out at 35 meant I lost a couple of friends, a relative or two, but not much more. I’m established in my work career in a very open company, so no danger there. At 14, however, the stakes are far higher. There are kids on the streets here in Dallas who came out at 15, 16 and 17 and were summarily thrown out of their homes; no continued financial support, no continued education, no continued security. They earn money at menial jobs and depend on older guys to buy them dinners, sometimes with “strings” attached. It’s great to be out and feel free to associate with gay people in the gay neighborhood, but it’s not such a great feeling if you’re having to work the street to stay there. Analyze your own situation, i.e. where would you live, where would you get money for food, how would you finish high school if you came out and were then thrown out? In some cases, it’s better to wait until you have some stability before you make the leap. Tap into resources available at www.oasismag.com, www.planetout.com, XY Magazine, local gay/lesbian resource providers or the Metropolitan Community Church for additional information or help. Good luck, and please make safe and careful choices.
POSTED DEC. 22, 1998
Mark, 38, gay white male <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO109: At my job we have a person who is in the process of undergoing a sex change from man to woman. How should I identify and address this person, as a man or a woman? (i.e. ex-him, her, Mr., Ms.)
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
George <g_harrington@hotmail.com>, Tampa , FL

ANSWER 1:
I believe you should address the individual by their preferred/intended gender. Or you could ask them.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, 28, bisexual female, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO108: Are there ways a gay person non-verbally communicates to let others know he or she is gay? I’m wondering particularly about the way clothing is worn.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Susan B., 24, straight female, Kansas City, MO

ANSWER 1:
Oh, I would love to hear about it if this were true. I have the hardest time telling if a girl would be open to my asking for a date. As a result, I am pretty much afraid to ask anybody. I make slight flirtatious comments, etc., but short of asking straight out, I can’t tell for sure.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, bisexual female, , CA
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THE QUESTION:

SO107: What are people’s opinions on homosexual adoption? No doubt anyone is capable of loving and being loved. That is not the issue. To inject an otherwise “normal” sexually oriented child into a daily 24/7 homosexual environment places that child at risk of being influenced to make that same “choice” later in life. That is what I believe homophobics are worried about when the issue of gay adoption arises. Compassion seems to end when an “innocent” in the eyes of the mainstream is placed in a high-risk situation, since the adoptive parents seem to be more selfish than willing to understand. If one were truly concerned about the children involved and not simply trying to prove a point that they are just as capable of loving as the next straight person, this matter would become moot. What say you?
POSTED DEC. 14, 1998
47, white male, retired Navy, Muncie, IN

ANSWER 1:
I suppose the pat response is to point out that the overwhelming majority of homosexuals grew up in heterosexual households. Orientation is not contagious, and there’s no evidence that children raised by gay or lesbian parents are any more or less likely to be gay/lesbian themselves. And to say that gays only want to adopt to “prove” that they’re capable of being loving and nurturing is as silly as saying that straights only have children to “prove” that they are fertile. From the studies I’ve seen, and from the gay people I know with children, children raised by gay parents tend to be very secure in their own sexuality, whatever that may be. In fact, the extensive screening process that prospective gay adoptive parents go through seems to weed out many who might not be good parents; at any rate, and I admit that my evidence is anecdotal, they seem to have a much lower rate of child abuse and dysfunction than many straight families.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Kathie, 31, straight female, IA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Heterosexual parents do not “influence” a homosexual child to be heterosexual, even though that child is exposed to heterosexuality 24/7, so why would the opposite situation be true? Children of divorce do not automatically grow up to have a tendency to divorce, and children from “stable” parents are not guaranteed to have stable marriages. A child brought up surrounded by love is what the world needs, regardless of the bond between the adults raising the child.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
W.F., teacher, military wife, 27 <rfleegal@erols.com>, Ellicott City, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It may be true that the child’s environment influences sexual preference, but genetics seems to have the dominant influence. I grew up in a straight environment and my homosexuality still came through. Why is the situation “high-risk”? Why is it so terrible for a kid to grow up gay? I can think of only one reason – persecution of homosexuals by a heterosexual majority. Maybe I was in a “high-risk” situation – a homosexual kid who grew up in a straight environment. But I’m doing great. Gay parents, like straight parents, want children to love and nurture, not to prove a point. Their desire shows that even if kids grow up to be gay, it’s not going to stop procreation. As you can see, views on this issue will be highly subjective. Let’s first end hatred of gays, and then concerns about gay adoption will be less important.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a matter of logic, how can one assume a child raised in a homosexual household would choose to be gay? I ask this because the question seems to ignore the fact that extant homosexuals were not all raised in homosexual households. How did those people become gay without living in a homosexual household? How can one logically assume that being raised by gay parents precludes the sexual orientation of the child? Perhaps this is too rhetorical for the discussion, but some thread of logic needs to be inserted here somewhere. Thanks for the forum.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
42, white, married, heterosexual father of one, Baltimore, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The case presented here against permitting adoptions by gay or lesbian couples rests on several fallacies: 1) That sexual orientation is a choice; 2) That heterosexuality is “normal” and preferable to homosexuality, which is not “normal”, and 3) That children raised by gay or lesbian parents are more likely to be gay or lesbian themselves.

Sexual orientation, whether heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual, is not a choice. No one chooses to whom they will find themselves attracted or with whom they will fall in love. All three are “normal” and do not, in and of themselves, make for good or bad parents (or good or bad children, for that matter). As the questioner points out, anyone is capable of loving and being loved. Examples of good and poor parenting can be found across all sexual orientations. Being raised by gay or lesbian parents no more increases the probability that a child will be gay than being raised by straight parents. (My daughter is straight, married and soon to make me a proud grandma.) Statistically, most children will identify as heterosexual regardless of their parents’ sexual orientation. If anything, perhaps children who happen to be gay may have an easier time accepting themselves and coming out to gay parents than to straight parents. I have yet to hear of any gay parents rejecting their heterosexual children in the physically and emotionally abusive way that some straight parents have violently rejected their gay children. That to me constitutes a high-risk environment.

An adoption agency should indeed have the best interests of children in mind. Children should be placed with warm, loving, caring parents who will nurture and love them, regardless of either the parents’ or child’s sexual orientation (not because the adoptive parent is either gay or straight, but because the individual is a good prospective parent). To limit adoptions to only heterosexual people is unfounded discrimination, largely against gay men. While studies have shown that statistically gay men are less than half as likely as heterosexual males to be fathers, lesbians already mother children in almost equal proportions to our heterosexual counterparts.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
DykeOnByke, 48, lesbian mother & soon-to-be grandmother <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield , MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
In your question, you include a sentence whose facts I need to rectify/counter: “To inject an otherwise “normal” sexually oriented child into a daily 24/7 homosexual environment places that child at risk of being influenced to make that same “choice” later in life.” First of all, if a child is adopted and matures to discover that he or she is gay or bisexual, they have not made a transition from “normal” to “abnormal,” because both gay, bisexual and heterosexual orientations are normal. Second, there is no proof, either empirical or anecdotal, that placing a child into what you term a “homosexual environment” has any influence whatsoever on the child’s sexual orientation. Children do not look at the parents as say, “I want to be just like them,” and parents don’t go to kids and say, “Don’t be straight.” However, if a child matures and discovers he or she is gay, they may have an easier time coming to terms with it, since they have role models – their parents – to look up to. If they mature to be straight, their parents are equally happy.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Wendy, 24, bisexual, Atlanta , GA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Selfish? Willing to understand what? That raising children is a heterosexual privilege and they want to keep it that way, lest we turn out even more gay people? The desire to have a family is not unique to heterosexuals; it is not toggled off simply by being gay or lesbian. As a gay man I am keenly aware of couples who have children simply because they happen to have the proper equipment, children who are doomed to a life of mistreatment and neglect. Their disregard for their offspring is apparent when they walk into social services centers and demand that someone “fix their kid.”

My would-be spouse (of nearly 10 years) and I have pursued this. We gave up after running into one brick wall after another, though we know of others who have had more resolve and have not lost complete hope. Granted, adoption is difficult even for mixed-gender couples, but I think anyone who is willing to put themselves through the torturous hoops that are set up for gay and lesbian people wanting to adopt are not doing it to prove a point.

The question you pose is heavily laden with bias. But let me tell you where we agree: If everyone were truly concerned about the children involved and not simply trying to prove that gay and lesbian people are less capable of loving as the next straight person, this matter would indeed become moot.
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Rex T. , 35, well-educated, nice income, stable home <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I am a happily involved, straight female who was raised by my dad and his partner. If anything, it has only made me more accepting of people who are different from me (not only gay). I couldn’t have asked for more loving parents. Their homosexuality has not influenced my orientation in any way. I hope all my relationships can be as loving as theirs. The only downside of having gay parents is the questions from kids at school, but if they don’t accept you because of who your parents are, they usually aren’t worth being friends with, anyway.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
M.J., Amarillo, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO106: What does it take, as far as money, time, preparation, surgery, etc., to perform a male-to-female transsexual change?
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
T., 29, white male, Venice, FL

ANSWER 1:
There is a very long list, that much I know. The person must have therapy, maybe the therapist’s opinion that they are “ready,” I’m not sure. They have to take hormones, and live as the intended gender full time, which makes for some interesting confrontations when one’s driver’s license is shown, and at odds with your appearance (i.e. a “woman” being stopped for a traffic violation, and the license saying “male”). I believe the actual surgery, for those who make it that far, is quite expensive, and of course not covered by insurance.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO105: Why are bisexuals the way they are? How come they can’t choose one sex over the other?
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
J.A.T. <abqteachr@netscape.net>, Albuquerque, NM

ANSWER 1:
It’s not that I can’t “choose one sex or the other,” it’s that I am not limited to only one sex. I am completly capable of feeling romantic love for a person, regardless of gender.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
S.J. 30-something, currently in a long-term heterosexual relationship, Deep in the Heart of Texas
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THE QUESTION:
SO104: To any homosexual man: Why do you like guys? What is it about guys that attracts you that women don’t have?
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
M. Guindon <abqteachr@netscape.net>, Albuquerque, NM

ANSWER 1:
That is really difficult to quantify. In my case, it’s the male physique, the strength, the sameness to me that attracts me. I can appreciate a beautiful woman, but there’s little attraction. I’ve been married, so I know the “mechanics” work, but the emotional bonding and desire to really make it work just wasn’t there. In the gay community you will find all types: Guys who like any type of guy, guys who only like men of color, guys who only like Asians, guys who only like younger men, guys who only like older men. So, to speak for my own likes: I like a man who’s trim and fit, not a muscle-bound jock, but someone who just takes care of himself. Ethnicity is immaterial to me, as is age. If a guy has that “look” that pushes my buttons, I can’t help but be attracted. Just as my straight male friends all have different takes on what makes a woman attractive, so do gay men.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Mark B. 37, gay white male <bentley@cyberramp.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
This is a very difficult question to answer, especially briefly. I think it would be just as difficult for a heterosexual man to explain why he favors women to men. They just do. Personally, I like the male physique. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a beautiful, voluptuous woman with intelligence, great hair and gorgeous legs (The X-Files’ Dana Scully comes to mind), but I find myself much more attracted to men. I like strong, muscular arms, legs and chests, great hair and a killer smile (and a nice butt doesn’t hurt, either), and I find myself attracted to more sporty, athletic types. However, I do not findall men attractive (as I assume heterosexual men don’t find all women attractive).
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
J. Crumpton, 31 <tc@explorearizona.com>, Phoenix, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Simply put, there’s no accounting for taste, and no one knows the mysteries of the human heart. Besides, gay men don’t just like “men,” they like types, just like anyone else. Some like effeminate men, some like masculine men, some like Asians, some like whites, etc.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Mark S., 30, white, gay male, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
This is a debate no one has been able to successfully conclude. I don’t think woman lack something that precludes me from having mutual loving relationships with them. I have a desire to form those kinds of bonds in my life. But for me, all the needs for a loving, respectful, affectionate, caring, compassionate, egalitarian and supportive relationship are fulfilled by men.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Topaz, 26, gay male <sirTopaz@netscape.net>, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
What makes you (assuming you are) attracted to women and not men? Sometimes it’s physical, sometimes emotional/spiritual, but regardless, 99.99 percent of the time, they have to have the same XY chromosomal make-up. That said, here’s an ego bruiser: Gay men do not find all straight men attractive – the ones who are most vocal (and homophobic) are typically not in the attractive category (even for straight women).
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Michael, 36 gay white male <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
For the same reason you like memebrs of the opposite sex: I just do. It’s the way I am. I never made a conscious decision to prefer men, just as you never made a conscious decision to prefer members of the opposite sex.
POSTED DEC. 11, 1998
Travis S., 28, gay male <00tdspence@bsuvc.bsu.edu>, Muncie, IN
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THE QUESTION:
SO103: Why is it so uncommon to encounter the idea that sexuality is a continuum rather than a black-and-white issue? People aren’t tall or short; there are different degrees of height. Similarly, aren’t there different degrees of sexuality?
POSTED DEC. 3, 1998
Richard B., 20, white male <richard.brooks@furman.edu>, Greenville, SC

ANSWER 1:
I have asked myself this same question and I believe there are many gray areas. Sexual orientation is not a choice but a more black-and-white issue (in my experience). However, it is normal to have fantasies or sexual experiences with people not of the sex of your sexual orientation. I think the lines of sexual orientation can be blurred if you respond to the humanity and the beauty of a person without limiting yourself to their sex. Of course, it’s a lot easier to respond to those feelings within the parameters of what you consider “normal” for you. I am a straight woman, but I have had sexual experiences with other women. After these experiences, of course, I questioned my sexual orientation. The fear was that I was somehow repressed or in the closet and didn’t even know it myself – being gay was not a fear. I realized I could be sensual and open with other women and enjoy the experience without the fear that I was somehow changing something about myself. Intuitively, however, it is men to whom I am attracted – and given the men I meet, that is truly a shame.
POSTED DEC. 16, 1998
Sherri, 27, straight female <wackydiva@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I have believed this for a very long time. I think people like to be able to “classify” people, and to know what to expect. If you claim lesbian, they know. If you claim straight, they know. Bisexuals really throw people off. But this limited labeling doesn’t really describe the rest of us. There are women who are attracted to women, but don’t want to have sex with them. There are women who primarily have sex with women, but occasionally with men. The above labels really don’t describe these people at all. I claim bisexual, but I feel that gives more credit to an attraction to men than is true. So the “proper” labels don’t fit me well, either.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
Kerry, bisexual lesbian, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
My guesses: Western culture is addicted to the idea of either/or dichotomies. Aristotle foisted that one on us, and his concept has a splendid clarity and simplicity to it. Unfortunately, as in this case, it almost never corresponds to reality. Nearly always, there are either shades of gray, or, instead of either/or, the reality is both/and. Humans seem to be a xenophobic species. We fear and demonize difference. In order to do this effectively, difference must be exaggerated, so we can imagine that they are nothing at all like us. Either/or thinking is helpful here. If we pretend we don’t know that at least 50 percent of the population has same-sex interests, we can more easily hate the queers. (This refusal to know our own truth is so strong that even people who are entirely gay-oriented can confuse themselves about this basic reality for decades, sometimes recognizing their inner reality only in their 40s, 50s, or 70s).

It’s no accident that most straight people will tell you they don’t know any gay people. They do know us, of course, but they don’t know that they know us. So they can think we’re very exotic, foreign, “other.” Finally, we as a culture are so scared of sex that we dare not think of its varieties. We treat it like Pandora’s Box. Thus the weird-yet-common belief that A) gay sex is the most disgusting thing on earth, and B) if people try it even once, they will be utterly captured by it, and they’ll be enslaved forever.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Will H., 48, gay, psychotherapist <tccwill@flash.net>, Dallas, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO102: A question (SO59) has already been posted asking gay people when they knew they were gay. This question is aimed at lesbians only: Did you always feel a strong physical attraction to other females, or did you just have no attraction to males and over time became attracted to females? Is it something you just always know but can’t express in words, or is it sort of an awakening?
POSTED DEC. 3, 1998
Confused, twenty-something female

ANSWER 1:
There was a specific time for me that I can remeber feeling a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders – that being the time when I finally came out to myself and fully accepted the fact I was gay (I prefer that label over “lesbian,” but that’s another talk show topic!) I also came out to someone else on the very same day – and for me, it was a wonderful experience. If I had gone through my life paying attention to my feelings and to what I was going through early on, I would never have had to go through the experience of being confused and wondering what was wrong with me. However, I did go through that experience, and at least I can reassure my mother that I gave “being straight” an honest try. Have you tried looking back on your life? It is a great exercise. Try thinking back to the very first time you were attracted to another woman (or girl as the case may be). The answers you find may surprise you. Take time, and keep in mind that this is a process – which means it will take a long time. You are young though, so I suspect you have plenty of time. Don’t rush anything, either. You are at a vulnerable point in your life. Rushing into any type of relationship right now may only serve to hurt you in the end.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Garet, 27, gay woman, St. Petersburg, FL
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THE QUESTION:
SO101: To homosexuals: Anytime I see a movie or TV show depicting the lives or relationships of gay people, eventually the character tries to resolve the moment that he/she found out they were gay. I have always known I was straight; in fact, for me it was never a question. Are these movies true to real life in that you don’t realize until later that you are gay?
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Kevin C., 25, straight white male, Married, Warren, MI

ANSWER 1:
The basic assumption for any child growing up today is that they are straight. Thus, if a person truly is straight, there’s nothing in their life that contradicts that fundamental notion and thus no moment of realization that a different label applies – because the label of “straight” or the assumption of opposite-sex attraction has always applied. If a person is gay, however, there comes a point at which they realize that the default label doesn’t apply to them. This is particularly true when a person has been brought up to believe that to be gay is to be evil, sinful or predatory – in this case, the moment of realization can be very difficult.

In my own case, I had been more or less aware I was attracted to other men, but because I’d been taught that to be gay was to be evil, I never thought that that word applied to me (I certainly didn’t think of myself as evil, and I hadn’t actually had any of the experiences that people labeled as sinful – it was in the realm of feelings only). The moment of realization, then, was not so much that I was gay in terms of realizing I was attracted to men, but that the word gay itself applied to me and my life. That realization began a long process of questioning whether what I’d been taught about being gay as sinful or evil was, in fact, true.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Corey T., 26, gay male, Cambridge, MA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Our society is rooted in compulsory heterosexuality. As a developing child, images of the heterosexual lifestyle are continually reinforced, and offered mostly as the only option. Many individuals never reflect on this; they simply accept these socializing messages. For some, this unconscious acceptance of the heterosexual label is a perfect fit. Hence, the idea of “always knowing.” However, subscription to heterosexuality is not always practical, fulfilling or appropriate, for many people. With diversion from heterosexuality being “unpopular” in our society (repeated acts of condemnation, discrimination and terrorism confirm this point), the declaration/reconciliation of oneself as a homosexual can be an incredibly difficult and challenging event. “Realizing” that one is “later” gay is a matter of placing a label on oneself that was not offered during adolesence as an option. In a society that sends messages that non-heterosexuality is invalid and wrong, it often takes a journey of personal exploration and development to be able to address coming out.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Steve, gay male, 25, Newark, DE