Sexual Orientation Questions 91-100

THE QUESTION:
SO100: Recently a friend I assumed was heterosexual told me she had strong feelings for another woman and that she didn’t know whether she was homosexual or bisexual. How have other people reacted to finding out about friends who are homosexual or bisexual?
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Kate H., 34, heterosexual female, Sacramento, CA

ANSWER 1:
As a gay man, I have been coming out for the last 14 years. Coming out never stops, as you will always meet new people and they will assume you’re straight almost every time. It is a scary thing to do because we risk our relationship with that person, and sometimes even our jobs, homes and personal safety. What I have found is that almost everyone reacts very differently than you guess they would. A major factor is how secure that person is in their own sexuality and identity. The secure person will usually not reject you, but they will be curious and even hurt that you had kept such a secret from them. Time is the key to whatever the ultimate reaction will be. Give that person permission to ask whatever they want to help them integrate this new, important knowledge about you into their understanding of who you are. I have found that was always the best thing to do. I am out at work, and with all my family and friends. I am in a 10-plus year relationship with a man who is also totally out.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Gary, gay male <garbear@cujo.hockey.net>, Oak Park , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
A couple of years ago when I was in college, my roommate came out to me. It just isn’t that big of a deal. He knew I wasn’t into guys and respected it. He left me to my girlfriend, and I have known him for years now. Most homosexual people who know you aren’t interested will not hit on you. You can still be friends.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Allen M., 25, straight white male <dodger@ici.net>, Nashua, NH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
One good friend stopped writing to me. Another called me excitedly after falling in love with her female roommate. Others have never mentioned the issue.
POSTED DEC. 30, 1998
Kerry, bisexual female, Ventura , CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO99: Why is San Francisco so popular with gay people?
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Cynthia H. <yukofujita@hotmail.com>, San Francisco, CA

ANSWER 1:
These days, San Francisco is no more a gay “mecca” than New York City or Los Angeles. But in the ’70s, a number of factors combined to make the Castro in S.F. particularly attractive to gay men: The “free love” and tolerance of the hippie movement that was centered in S.F., the availability of cheap housing in the Castro, and the natural draw of an urban environment for gay men alienated from their families. Gay men and lesbians have migrated to urban centers for many decades, to escape the rejection of their families and hometowns, and to find and build communities where they could be appreciated and accepted as they are. As gays slowly gain acceptance in this country, more are moving out of the “gay ghettos” and re-integrating into all communities, but urban gay centers such as the Castro, West Hollywood, and Chelsea in NYC still provide a powerful lure to gay men and lesbians seeking a respite from intolerance and isolation.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Mark, gay man, 42 <marknyc@hotmail.com>, NY, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SO98: To straight people: If one of your favorite movie stars came out as gay, would that affect you, and if so, how?
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Lance B., male, San Mateo , CA

ANSWER 1:
I’m straight, and it would not affect my opinion of an actor if I found out he or she was gay. I’ve never felt threatened by gay people. They have and will always exist. Gay people deserve love and respect as all people do.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Jan, 42, Corvallis, OR

FURTHER NOTICE:
I had a terrific crush on an actor once before I found out he was gay (and not just gay but an extremely vocal gay activist.) It ruined a few of my private fantasies, but I still enjoy his acting, and find him extremely attractive. I think there’s a certain stereotype of actors, so that people aren’t terribly surprised or shocked when a male actor is revealed to be gay, or a female actor to be promiscuous.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
No, not at all, it doesn’t affect their talents. A great actor is a great actor, and I don’t care what he or she does in private. It makes no difference to me.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Sue, 43, married with kids <Shustring4@aol.com>, Fox Island, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
When I first read this question my immediate answer was of course it would not affect me. But after thinking about it for a little while I came to realize it would have an impact on me. It would not make me like the actor/actress any less. However, if I identified with the actor/actress in some way, it might bother me. I consciously know this is just my homophobia at work, but it still would bother me.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Nicole, 22 <nicole_1976@hotmail.com>, N.J.

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
If my favorite actor, singer or model announced he/she was homosexual, they would deserve even more credit for their performances, because they would have convinced me that their character was “really in love” with the leading lady/man. Elton John’s music is still romantic, and Rock Hudson is still sexy. These people had a talent for entertaining us with moods they created, and that is why we love to watch and listen to them. Ask yourself: Why would it be different if a straight man convincingly played a gay character than if a gay man convincingly played a straight character? (Tom Selleck asked the same question after starring in Coming Out.) Remember that it is the acting that has made me a fan, not his sexual preferences.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Karin, 28 <karin1212@hotmail.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am reminded of when I found out Elton John was gay (pretty much when I found out what gay was). The music was still good … same piano … same voice … but now I realized he was probably singing to another guy … even pictured it as such. The songs lost their impact on me.
POSTED NOV. 28, 1998
S. Mullall <gungeey@popd.ix.netcom.com>, Boston, MA
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THE QUESTION:
SO97: Considering that gay people are a minority, why does it seem there is bigotry and racism within the gay community as it relates to black/white gay couples and other mixed couples?
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
A World Without Borders <cyberjoe@aol.com>, Pittsburgh, PA

ANSWER 1:
Just because you suffer from oppression in one form does not mean you will not perpetrate oppression in a different form. There have been African Americans who have shown up in support of KKK rallies opposing gays and lesbians. This, to me, is one of the most blatant examples of how individuals do not recognize that even if they are an oppressed minority, they can be the oppressors of others.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
P.J.D., lesbian, St. Petersburg, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I feel this is an excellent question, and one that used to trouble me a great deal as a gay, white man. The first thing to remember is that most gay, lesbian and bisexual people share the same upbringing, education and societal conditions as heterosexuals. We learn the same things everyone else learns, and racism and sexism are learned behaviors. As someone who has lived in many different parts of the country, I’ve seen different levels of racism in various areas, in both the community as a whole and within the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community. There seem to be cities where racist ideas and practices are more excepted by people than in other areas. One more important note is that just as GLBT people learn racism, we also learn homophobia. For many GLBT individuals, this becomes one of the most difficult aspects of the coming-out process. We must learn that homophobia is a senseless prejudice and accept our own validity and worth as individuals, even though our own friends and family members may have taught us that to be “queer” is to be less than human.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Tony, 32, gay white male, MilwaukeeA, WI
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THE QUESTION:
SO96: I know it’s extremely difficult to come out and admit one is gay. Can anyone share their experience? How did you do it? How did the people around you react?
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Mendoza, 21, Hispanic <mendo015@mailhost1.csusm.edu>, San Marcos, CA

ANSWER 1:
I think “coming out” is something gay people do all their lives. Of course the biggest step is simply coming out to oneself and admitting one is gay. For me, at least, the next hardest thing was telling my mom – she cried because she didn’t understand much about gay people and thought I was in for a terrible life. That was almost 10 years ago. Now things are amazing – she’s educated herself and come to realize that me being gay is a wonderful thing. Again, gay people are always “coming out” to varying degrees. Just yesterday I mentioned the fact that I have a boyfriend to a casual friend – I don’t know if she suspected I was gay, but, I guess she knows now! In the 10 years since I came out to my mom, I’ve learned that honesty is truly the best policy.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Doug, gay white male <dkerr@uwgt.org>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE:
I cannot write about coming out as gay, but I can write about coming out as an agnostic. I live in a country that is 98 percent Catholic (though the state is secular), and where more than 60 percent of the population goes to Sunday Mass. I lost my faith when I was 15, partly because I was brought up without contact with non-believers, and was quite surprised to realize they could be decent folks, too. I found it very difficult to tell my parents; my friends did not accept that I simply had different beliefs, and even eight years later I find it difficult to tell people that I am not a believer. In fact I did not discuss religion with my parents at all in those few months when my beliefs were changing, because I did not want any parental pressure during this delicate period; I still think I did the right thing because I am now satisfied and convinced of my new beliefs, which is better than living in continual doubt. The experience made me quite sympathetic toward gays because, while the two issues are different, they have one important point in common: I did not decide to change my religious beliefs (in fact, I resisted the change initially), and gays do not decide to be gay; they just find out that they are different and that society usually does not accept this difference.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Alastair F., 23, straight agnostic male <nafarr@waldonet.net.mt>, Paola, Malta

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Coming out is not only difficult, it is never-ending. However, it does get easier with practice. By saying it is never-ending, I mean that I am constantly having to weigh whether it is important to “come out” to a person. When a stranger on the bus, a coworker or anyone else chats you up, and the conversation turns to spouses, families or social activities, I have to decide whether to come out to them. I find myself weighing in my mind, basically, if they have the power to hurt me if they find the “true” me not according to their standards. It’s unfortunate, but I judge other people’s open-mindedness before I make the decision. It seems to work for me. I haven’t been beaten up since high school and haven’t been discriminated against. The caveat, of course, is that I live in San Francisco, and can afford to come out to more people. I might be less open and honest if I were still in a small town in Louisiana.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Gay White Male, 36 <mancub@gay.net> San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I have four sons and the second eldest is gay. I knew it before he admitted it to himself. And no, he didn’t swish; as a matter of fact, the football coach wanted him on the team all during high school. It is probably easier to come out if one has liberal and non-judgmental parents. I am equally proud of all my sons, but I recognize that life will be harder for the gay one because there is so much hate and prejudice in the world.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Helen, white female <Helenl@cwix.com>, Orlando, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The word “admit” makes it sound like there is something bad or shameful about being gay. I am openly lesbian. I agree with the other respondents that coming out is a continual process that doesn’t fit easily into a 150-word response, so I will just mention one person’s reaction.

The person’s reaction that surprised me the most when I came out was that of my ex-husband. We’d had a legal separation for a year before our divorce. Although he was very supportive and wished me well, I hadn’t expected that my coming out some time after our divorce would cause him to question his manhood or his abilities as a lover, especially since he’d been having an affair at the time of our separation. It took a while for him to fully accept that my coming out had nothing to do with his abilities as a lover, that nothing he did or didn’t do could make me a lesbian, that it had to do with me, my emotional response to women in general, and sexual attraction to specific women. Attraction that we had talked “around” when we were married but I had never acted upon. Like many people, he had the misconception that being a lesbian is simply about sex. It took him a while to realize that I was still the same person, that I didn’t hate him. However, he also realized that I had never been in love with any other man before or after our marriage. In all fairness to him, I’d have to say that my mother probably helped plant this mistaken notion in him. In her words at the time, if he’d kept his fly zippered up, her daughter would not be a lesbian. That somehow it was his fault. It was a learning experience for several in my family that someone else does not “make” a person gay or lesbian. Nor is sexual orientation something a person can choose.

For me, sex has always been largely a means to express love. The love between my husband and I (or at least the romantic, sexual kind of love) had died between us long ago. We both knew that but didn’t understand how or why. Now our love was like that between brother and sister or close friends – comfortable, wishing the best for each other, but lacking any passion or fire. Our mutual love for our daughter, respect for each other and desire not to hurt each other had been holding our marriage together for more years than we had recognized. But that was not enough for either of us. Not until I came out after my divorce did I really fully understand what it is to be a lesbian and how right that felt.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
DykeOnByke, formerly married lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Coming out the first time is like biting into aluminum foil; it leaves a lasting impression. Many gay Americans get the response I got from my mother: “What did I do wrong?” Co-workers’ responses have varied, generally because I don’t talk about my sexual orientation until asked. One co-worker complained to my supervisor that I was “flaunting” my sexuality by wearing my pride rings at work. I said, “Fine, you leave your wedding ring and husband pictures at home, and I’ll leave the pride rings.” The minute I started behaving assertively, the harassment stopped. I don’t walk up to someone and say, “Hi I’m Alma, I’m gay.” Conversations result in my talking about my wife in the same general terms as heterosexuals talk about their spouses. I endured far more abuse as a closeted lesbian than as an out and proud gay American. And it is a daily occurrence with me. I’m a federal employee on the largest military installation in the United States (Fort Hood,Texas). On a daily basis I simply by existence out myself to numerous military personnel I work with. What’s the payoff? I don’t have panic attacks anymore and I actually think I’m worth a lot as a person. It’s not about sexual behavior; if that were the case, why are heterosexuals allowed to wear wedding rings in the workplace? It’s about being able to function as a whole person, brag on my wife when she does well at work, worry out loud about her when she’s ill and show empathy to my co-workers when we share stories about the “little things” about each other that drive us crazy about our spouses.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Alma, lesbian, federal employee <pridewks@seacove.net>, Kempner, TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO95: Do gay men wear earrings in either ear, or just the right ear?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Daryl, 28, male, Ellsworth , ME

ANSWER 1:
I live in Oaklawn (Boys Town); and many of the men down here wear earrings in both ears. Some wear them in only one ear. But, there isn’t a particular ear that they wear them. Some actual have more than one ring in each ear.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Patrick, 23, gay white male <PatrickSenkel@CompuServe.COM>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
In the late ’70s and early ’80s, in order to avoid being gay-bashed, but still wanting to find other gay men, gays would wear an earring in their right ear. As usual, the straight men followed suit years later, but started wearing it in their left ear. When George Michael starting wearing hoops in both, so did many gay men. It has resurfaced, and now, even straight men wear them in both ears. So what does it mean today? That they are wearing earrings. Nothing more. That’s why there is such a variance.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Craig M. <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN
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THE QUESTION:
SO94: Has anyone ever heard of a gay man and a lesbian getting married as a “facade” to appear socially acceptable, while secretly living the lives they want to lead? Does this happen frequently, if at all?
POSTED NOV. 6, 1998
Corey T., 26, male, Cambridge, MA

ANSWER 1:
While I don’t know anyone who has done this, I have read on numerous occasions in the “personals” in the gay press of people seeking a member of the opposite sex for an “MBA.” MBA stands for “mutually beneficial arrangement.”My understanding of the majority of these arrangements was, however, that they were more of a way to get a residence permit than to “lead their own lives.” I am sure that in some cases MBAs are reached to hide a person’s sexuality, especially in countries where homosexuality is punishable by law.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Iteki, 22, Irish dyke <iteki@chickmail.com>, Stockholm, Sweden

FURTHER NOTICE:
I know a couple older gay people who did marry lesbians back in the ’60s or ’70s in order to appear “socially acceptable,” but the marriages ended when one partner eventually met someone of the same sex that they wanted to live with. Nowadays it is much easier to live an open-partnered life with someone of the same sex. In fact, it must be very difficult for gay men and lesbians to “keep up the pretenses” of being married and still have balanced, healthy lives. Maybe only in Hollywood does this still happen to any extent!
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Doug, white gay male <dkerr@uwgt.org>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If a gay man and lesbian got married as a “facade” to appear socially acceptable, it is not likely others would hear about it since that would defeat the purpose. Only one lesbian has ever told me she purposely married a gay man. She said she was rather unstable at that point in her life and needed someone to lean on, a friend who would be willing to look after her while she recuperated. And although the marriage ended amiably when the need for it ended, I suspect such cases are far fewer now than when this occurred more than 30 years ago. I have also known a lesbian who chose a gay friend to father her child, and although not marrying or co-parenting, at least acting as a male role model for her son. Much more common are couples who married before one party came to realize they were gay or lesbian, or couples in which one partner, suspecting they might be gay, married in the mistaken hope they could somehow “change” their sexual orientation. Married bisexuals are also quite common.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
DykeOnByke, formerly married lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
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THE QUESTION:
SO93: To Christian fundamentalists in the United States: When crusading against homosexuality and gay rights, fundamentalists’ main argument seems to be that we shouldn’t have protection against discrimination because being gay is against the Bible. Leaving aside arguments from gay Christians who say the Bible is not against homosexuality, if we have no state religion in the United States, why should the Bible dictate our secular laws? Being Buddhist, for example, is also against the Bible, and yet I don’t hear any widespread suggestions that Buddhism should be illegal or to forbid Buddhist weddings.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Selena, white, non-straight, non-Christian, Berkeley, CA

ANSWER 1:
Because we believe homosexuality is immoral, and that God did not create men and women to be with their own sex. Just look at our bodies – it’s clear men should be with women, and so on. Marriage is a sacred thing between men and women.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Jeff, Christian, <Jeff922@aol.com> Westland, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
To Jeff: You didn’t answer my question. All my previous attempts to ask it elsewhere have only been met by reponses like yours: Repetitions of your beliefs, not the explantation I was looking for. I’m fully aware that some Christian fundamentalists believe homosexuality is wrong. I’m asking how you justify trying to make your religious beliefs the law of the land in our secular country, and I’m asking why you pick on homosexuality specifically when many things can be considered “against the Bible,” such as all non-Christian religions. Do you not believe in the constitutional separation of church and state, or is there some other issue I’m missing? To repeat: I’m not asking whether or why you don’t approve of homosexuality, I’m asking why you think the rest of us should live by your beliefs on this issue. I’m trying to understand what others’ thinking is on this.
POSTED NOV. 17, 1998
Selena, non-straight white female, 29, Berkeley, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SO92: What would be the reasons for “outing” a gay person, especially if it is against his or her wishes?
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Stephen S., 31, straight male, San Antonio, TX

ANSWER 1:
The reasons would have to be selfish (on the part of the “outer”). I cannot imagine what it would be like to have someone take away this “control” over my own life. Even if the gay person were overtly anti-gay, and the “outer” knew this person to be gay, it would not, in my opinon, justify this.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Joe D., 35, gay white male, Philadelphia, PA

FURTHER NOTICE:
There is no reason for outing someone who would not like to be outed. It is that individual’s decision to come out when and how they want.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Leticia <celestial611@hotmail.com> New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
“Outing” was popularized by some radical gay groups in the 1980s. Their rationale was that the image and self-respect of gay people would be improved if it was publicly known that many famous people were gay. It was also seen as important in the fight to secure AIDS funding. Another rationale was that some closeted homosexuals actively worked to oppress gay people, through political and other avenues. It was felt that these people should be “outed” to expose their hypocrisy. The problem is that “outing” is someone deciding to publicize another person’s private life. The victim has no recourse. Sometimes the victim wasn’t even gay. On other occasions the link between the individual “outed” and oppressive acts and organizations was questionable. Outing is now considered rather dated. As the Lewinsky scandal and U.S. Congressional elections showed, public sentiment these days is that someone’s private life is their own business.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
In almost all cases I am against outing lesbians and gay men who are in the closet, because they may have legitimate reasons for being there (i.e. personal safety, job security, family approval issues, etc.). I think it is much more important for gay people to out on their own, and demonstrate through example that they are just as decent, loving and valued contributors to society as everyone else. However: If you were gay and knew of a closeted gay public official who consistently supported anti-gay public policies, I think you would find it very hypocritical and would want that public official to be accountable for his or her positions. If I knew of a lawmaker who was gay and in the closet, and yet voted against civil rights for gay people just to save his or her political career, I would consider that person a good candidate for outing.
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
Chuck A., gay male, 39 <PolishBear@aol.com>, Spring Hill , WV

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Often, outing is done in response to hypocrisy. For example, a closeted politician who votes against a law that specifies equal rights for gay people. Or a closeted public figure who has publicly denounced gay people in some way. Another factor is the critical need for gay role models. Gay children and teenagers need those role models; a third of teen attempted suicides are by gay teenagers, even though they make up only 10 percent of the teen population. Also, having more people who are out in all walks of life will show that gayness is a simple, natural variety of the human equation, as “normal” as any other human attribute. Besides, celebrities and politicians who have come out or have been outed have gone on to some of their biggest successes (Elton John, k.d. lang, Neil Tennant, Martina Navratilova, Barney Frank, and so on).
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
Chuck M., gay male. San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
“Outing” was popularized by gay activist Michaelangelo Signorelli. The targets of his outings were not merely “famous” people who were in the closet, but those who had publicly worked against the gay rights movement. It was not to make gays comfortable, but to expose the hypocrisy of those who worked against our interests but benefitted from our community. It is perfectly fair to out a male politician who publicly votes against equal rights for gays and lesbians and then picks up men at the bars.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Ladell, 35, gay white man <mrilling@gsbpop.uchicago.edu>, Chicago, IL
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THE QUESTION:
SO91: I’m a gay 17-year-old male whos parents, and family, are very Catholic. Is there any way to tell them that I don’t believe in what they believe? My parents came from Croatia in the ’20s, and religion is everything to them. Does anyone know what to do?
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
A. Buzdon, 17, gay male <abuzdon@yahoo.com>, Cleveland, OH

ANSWER 1:
You have two options: The first is to be clear, unambiguous and unapologetic about what you believe. They will not like that immediately, and you should be prepared for how they react. It may cause a deep rift between you for a long time, possibly years. Ultimately, they may respect you for having the courage of your convictions, but there’s no guarantee of that. The other option is to keep your beliefs to yourself in the hope of not offending them. This is easy in the short term, but seems like a tough facade to maintain over the long haul. Good luck.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Andrew, 34, straight <ziptron@xoommail.com>, Huntington, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think this is something you have to approach very slowly, not only for your own sake but for your parents’ as well. Try to talk to them about gay people in general, maybe bringing up the subject over something you see on TV or read in the newspaper, letting them know you are more open-minded on the subject than they are. Don’t come out to them right away or all at once. When you do decide to tell them you are gay, make sure you are ready for the worst possible scenario. For many people, coming out is an extremely chaotic time in their life. Realize that the people who have always been there supporting you may be the ones to completely desert you. Make sure you have a strong support system outside your family, other gay (or even just sympathetic) individuals who will be there for you if your family pushes you away. If you are still living at home, make sure you have a possible place you can stay if you get kicked out. And finally, don’t feel guilty! Your family may make you feel like you did something wrong, that by being yourself you are hurting them, but all in all, if they can’t accept you unconditionally, they are the ones hurting themselves by being unaccepting. Take care.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
Amy, 18, bisexual <UglySkank@msn.com>, Flagstaff, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There’s no reason to rush to tell them that you don’t believe in Catholicism – it will be enough for them to try to handle the fact that you’re gay. Before you come out to them, try to get an idea of how they may handle it. Tell them about a fictional friend who came out to his parents and see how they react. If you fear the worst, you might wait until you are no longer living at home. I have known teens who were thrown out of the house, or had to continue to live at home under very difficult circumstances. Telling them once you are away at college, for example, may provide the distance necessary for them to adjust to it. I would tell them in person, however. There are a number of books that offer advice on how to come out, as well as books designed for parents of gays, that might be helpful. My parents are also very Catholic, but luckily, they handled my coming out quite well, so don’t give up hope!
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Mark, gay man, 42 <marknyc@hotmail.com>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think you should give your parents one chance to be understanding. There is no need to be gentle or kind in the face of oppression. Inform them of your political belief that being gay is OK. Then inform them that you are gay and are satisfied to remain that way; that you are not ashamed. Tell them that you are an adult now and will not tolerate disrespect of your beliefs or of who you are as a person. If they disrespect you, inform them that their disrespect offends you greatly, and that you will be forced to move out if they continue to disrespect you. If they continue to disrespect you, move out immediately. Otherwise, they will most likely continue to probe you for weakness and will not stop attacking you until they see submission. For your parents to ask questions about what being gay means, or to express concern about AIDS, or to express their feelings of sadness or anger is fine, but for them to try to argue the points that (a) being gay is OK, and (b) you are gay, and are satisfied to remain that way, is not OK. Do not hesitate to move out if they cross your boundaries. Parents can do great psychological damage to one as young and impressionable as yourself. In any event, do not go wild and begin practicing unsafe sex to be rebellious. You could do yourself an even greater harm. Above all, be brave and remember that no one can touch who you are.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Mark S., 30, white, gay <markseely@aol.com> Houston , TX