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Mature 31-40

THE QUESTION:
SE40: I have been with my current boyfriend about five years. We have experimented with different sexual practices, including anal sex. He seems to enjoy me using my finger in his anus when I perform oral sex on him. Is it possible that this could mean he is gay or bisexual?
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Kris

ANSWER 1:
I’ve never experimented with it, but I’ve heard several friends tell me the same. I don’t think it’s a gay thing, because apparently many guys who have had a finger in the anus during oral sex like it (according to friends). Still, I doubt any guy would ask his woman to do it, for fear of it sounding like a “gay” thing.
POSTED AUG. 17, 1998
S.G., straight female, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
The anus has a lot of nerve endings, as well as being close to the prostate gland. The resulting stimulation can be extremely pleasurable. Enjoying this does not make a person is gay/bisexual. Gay/bisexual means who you are attracted to, not where you are stimulated. Many heterosexual couples engage in anal sex, and many heterosexual men like anal stimulation. Conversely, many gay/bisexual men do not enjoy receiving anal sex.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Heterosexual male who enjoys it, San Francisco Bay Area , CA

FURTHER 2:
As a man I heard stories of men who like this type of stimulation. Personally, it is not for me. Anyway, I thought they might be curious about gay encounters, but I read in a magazine recently that the prostate is very sensitive to stimulation and can give a pleasurable feeling. Just as doctors do for exams, the best way for this stimulation to occur is through the anus.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Dave, 21, male, MI

FURTHER 3:
Take it from a gay male – what turns a man on physically is not related to his orientation. Think of what physical sensations and fantasies turn a person on and who they are attracted to as being completely independent characteristics. It is a fact that the anus has many nerve-endings that can produce immense pleasure. Because of societal taboos, anal sex is considered “dirty” and not discussed much, but it can be very pleasurable for men or women – gay, bi or straight. Don’t worry about your boyfriend – unless you find his gaze always following other men, gay porn in his drawer, or him naked in bed with another guy – at that point, you might have some reason to question him.
POSTED MARCH 30, 1999
Troy A. 29, gay male, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
SE39: When we talk about masturbation, the first thing that comes to our head is, usually, male masturbation. My question is: Is it true that women practice that activity much less than men? How often do they practice it?
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Hernan, male <llomba@tatu.cnba.uba.ar>, Buenos Aires, Argentina

ANSWER 1:
I was never under the impression men masturbated more than women. I thought just the opposite. I enjoy this form of sex. It is safe, clean, healthy and satisfying. It was recommended to me to help me change my unhealthy habit of sleeping with men with whom I did not have a serious and established relationship. It has helped me in rebuilding my self-esteem. I masturbate regularly. The frequency varies depending on my moods and desire. Sometimes this means two to five times a week; sometimes more. And it doesn’t matter whether I’m seeing someone or not; one activity has no bearing on the other, although some of my lovers have asked to watch, and then we make love.
POSTED AUG. 20, 1998
Zawadi, 33, black female, Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
SE38: Is it true, as I’ve been told, that when women are together they talk in much more graphic, detailed and intimate terms about sex and their sexual partners than men do?
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
S.A., white male, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
I have no idea how men speak of sex when they’re alone, so I can’t compare. All I know is that I can discuss anything with my best girlfriend, and that includes sex. We don’t give each other a “play-by-play” – mostly we ask questions like, “Have you ever…?”
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
S.R., 20, white female, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I have asked my husband if his friends talk about sex, and he said never. But me and my friends talk about sex in general terms, such as talking about going to a sex toy party, flavors of oil, how they tasted and things like that.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Debbie K., 29, married female <daorathy@aol.com>, Woonsocket, RI
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THE QUESTION:
SE37: I have heard and read that some men and women really enjoy the smells and taste of female sexual secretions while performing oral sex. I have never heard or read of anyone – male or female – who actually relishes the taste of semen. Is there anyone out there who does?
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Curious lesbian, MT
(Similar question, asked specifically of women, posted Aug. 14, 1998, by Allen, Lansing, MI)

ANSWER 1:
Having considerable experience with both sexes, I can’t say that either male or female sexual flavors are, in and of themselves, all that yummy. Don’t expact either to be the next Ben & Jerry sensation. It is the erotic, romantic association one has with the flavors. So, yes, as a gay man, I love the taste of my lover’s semen.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Anonymous gay male, Oakland, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SE36: My partner and I often experience simultaneous orgasms while making love. I read that this is extremely rare, and was wondering if others have had this experience, and how frequently.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Gabriel, 23, female, Santa Fe, NM

ANSWER 1:
It seems to be pretty rare. I was with a partner for six years, and we were wonderfully compatible, sexually. We both knew how to go right up to the edge of orgasm – sometimes just slightly over the edg – and then pull back without the full fireworks. We’d both do that again and again, sometimes for considerable periods of time. This left us both pretty wildly turned on and always right in the neighborhood of orgasm. So when one of us decided to go for broke, it was easy for the other to jump right into the O-zone, too. It seemed perfectly normal to us, and we had simultaneous orgasms almost every time. Later, I came to discover I was awfully lucky. Most other people I’ve described it to look at me in slack-jawed amazement. A few, though, smile knowingly.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Will H., 48, gay male, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I do not think that is true. The only problem is that people must learn how to be more open with their partner and tell them what they like sexually. If both people are honest about what they like and don’t like, sex will be a lot better.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Wendy W., female <elninnie@aol.com>, Nassau, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SE35: During the Clarence Thomas hearings, someone wondered out loud how black people could tell the difference between head hair and pubic hair, and was denounced as an outrageous racist. I’ve always wondered what the answer was, since black head hair looks a lot like my pubic hair. I just want an answer to a question that has always intrigued me, but I could never ask someone without risking offending them.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Douglas T., 52, white male, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
The texture of the hair in the pubic area of a black man is much finer and straighter than the hair on the head. There is considerable difference in the hair; whether this is because the head is exposed to the elements and the pubic area is not, one cannot say.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Wil, black male <wlfonte4@hotmail.com>, Baytown, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE:
Thank God for this forum, because questions that would normally tick me off must be understood and addressed forthrightly. Your unspoken, but understood assumption is that physically, all black people (and our pubic hair) are the same. Our hair type, including pubic hair, comes in a variety of textures, just as it does for white people. The hair on my head is tight and curly – my pubic hairs are silky and straight. In contrast, my other half has long straight natural head hair, but her pubic hair is curly and tight (I hope she never sees this posting or I’m a dead man). Sometimes pubic hairs are tight or kinky – other times they are not. I’ve seen pubic hair of just about every race close up, and there is a lot of individual variety. Try to remember that there are individual differences in all groups.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
M. White, black <Sfa2z@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I can also tell the difference between head hair and pubic hair. Pubic hair tends to be thicker and curlier than head hair. If you are able to see the two together, you will also see the difference.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
T.R.A., black, Hampton, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
A pubic hair’s thickness is not consistent along its length. Head hair has much more consistency. Most people (of differing races) I have observed have long public hair. Most “black” male hair is not so long and stringy.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
A.B., 23, Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It also seems that, more often than not, when a pubic hair is separated from the body, it has a much more visible root than a hair that falls from your head.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
Kevin C., 25, male <dashit@pei.sympatico.ca>, Summerside, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
This is another of those situations where it totally depends on the person. In contrast to Answer 1, I dated a black man whose pubic hair was much coarser and tightly curled than the hair on his head. I’m sure some people’s pubic hair resembles others’ head hair, and vice versa.
POSTED NOV. 30, 1998
D.C.W., 21, white female <s0meone@juno.com>, Tempe, AZ
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THE QUESTION:
SE34: Is it possible for a man paralyzed from the neck down to get an erection and have sexual intercourse? If so, what type of sensation does he have?
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Mickey I. <jmivie@hcc-uky.campus.mci.net>, Evansville, IN

ANSWER 1:
I used to work in a rehab unit with people who had spinal cord injuries. If, as in most severe spinal cord injuries, the cord is entirely cut (transected, as the medical folk say), there is no sensation at all below the injury, and no ability to move or exert control. However, with some frequency, the nerve pathways between the penis and the lower spinal cord (below the injury) are intact, and stimulation of the penis can cause it to erect. This can be fun for the man’s partner and may give the man an ego boost, but he doesn’t feel it. Most remarkably, though, research has discovered that the ability to experience orgasm is portable. Especially if the man (or spinal cord-injured woman) is given some instruction, s/he can begin to experience orgasm in, say, the lips or the ear lobe or some other highly sexualized part of the body that is above the break. For paraplegics (waist down or so), the nipples can be great new orgasm locations. And no, there is no penile ejaculation when the nipple- or ear-orgasm occurs. The penis isn’t connected to the brain anymore. And as they say: The brain is the best sex organ of all.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Will H., 48, gay white male, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
While I can’t speak from experience, Mrs. Christopher Reeve strongly hinted in an interview that she and her husband still had a below-the-waist sex life.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Steve H. <stevehor@hotmail.com>, Philadelphia, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I once wondered this myself until a friend who is paralyzed from the waste down told me he had just gotten a penile implant. We talked a bit about prosthetics. He made it a point to tell me that he physically feels nothing in the lower regions of his body. Why then, I asked, would he have this surgery done? He said that someday, if he were in a sexual relationship, he didn’t know what he would feel, but that he knew whatever the feeling, it would be a good one.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Christal, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I was married to a guy who was paralyzed. We had sex, and he could get erect but could not feel it. In the begining he told me he could feel it, and I believed it. Then one day I faked like I put it in me and he was doing the same thing: Acting. They do not feel it. At all. Bottom line.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
Divorced black female, Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
SE33: Some Irish guys I know talk about the “Irish Curse” – a small penis. I also heard it mentioned in the movieGood Will Hunting. Also, my gay friend says Irish men are usually smaller than most. Is it true?
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Pete, straight white male, 32 <ilhaj@rocketmail.com>, Mattituck, NY

ANSWER 1:
It is not true. We Irish come in all sizes, just like any other race. I’m a little longer than average and 50 percent Irish.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Patrick, 52, gay male, San Antonio, Tx

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’ve definitely noticed that Irish guys tend to run a bit small. By this I mean 100 percent Irish guys only. I’m gay and have certainly seen a lot of erections in my life. You will probably get people telling you that “most men fall in the average range of five to seven inches” but that isn’t an insignificant difference. After all, most men fall into the average height of five to seven feet, but a seven-foot-tall dude is huge and a five-foot guy is really short. Similarly, a five-inch erection is a lot smaller than a seven-inch one – don’t let anyone kid you otherwise. That’s a 40 percent difference. And Irish guys definitely fall toward the five-inch side of the spectrum, in my experience. Dutch guys, though, tend to fall towards the other end. My lover is Irish, so please don’t take this as “Irish bashing”; size is always nice, but it’s not something to build a relationship on.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Tim C., gay male <tcran@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I disagree with Patrick. I am also gay, part Irish and grew up in a working-class Irish neighborhood in Boston. Every guy in the neighborhood knew about the “Irish Curse.” I had experiences with mostly Irish guys and then later with other whites. In my experience, there is a trend toward the small end of the spectrum in Irish men, especially those who are Irish on both sides of the family. I doubt this view will be a popular one, but that’s my perspective.
Will H. <whuer@hotmail.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’m 100 percent Irish and live in Staten Island. I’ve heard of the Irish Curse – we all joke about it. One thing you need to understand about Irish people is that we put ourselves down a lot, and the Irish Curse is one way we do it. I don’t know if it’s really got any truth to it. But yeah, I am below average. I have asked some pretty worldly female friends about their “experiences,” and most have said that Irish guys do tend to run small. I’m not threatened by this, so I guess I can admit that it is possible. I’d still rather be totally Irish than anything else.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Dan R. <danielrand@hotmail.com>, Staten Island, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Oh how I laughed… No! It’s untrue. Although I can, of course, only speak personally.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
Agrivaine <agrivaine@yahoo.com>, Dublin, Ireland
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THE QUESTION:
SE32: What, specifically, is the Christian perspective on masturbation? Please include your denomination when responding.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
John, 30, white male, Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
Presbyterians do not condone masturbation. About five or six years ago, the American Presbyterian Church had a committee examine the church’s current attitudes on sex and the committee suggested they allow or even promote masturbation, particularly in single people, as an alternative to premarital or extramarital sex, but the committee’s proposal was voted down.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Tara, 24 <tarakennedy@yahoo.com>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE:
I converted to the Catholic Church when I was 19. The Catholic view is that masturbation is a sin. I believe they call it self-abuse. That view never stopped me.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Tom, 38, white male, Ventura, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I doubt there is a consensus “Christian” view about masturbation, but the Roman Catholic Church considers auto stimulation a “gravely disordered action.” The Catechism of the Catholic Church (Sec. 2352) defines masturbation as “…the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure.” In keeping with the Catholic tenet that sexual activity is morally ordered to the marital relationship, any deliberate sexual pleasure that is voluntary and intentional and that occurs outside of marriage is considered contrary to the moral order and a misuse of the sexual faculty.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Cecilia, 50, Roman Catholic <ProfMokita@aol.com>, West Bloomfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I was raised Mormon. They do not approve of masturbation but seem to have no clear idea of just what is wrong with it. I never heard any scriptural reason, just “don’t do it.” Many Christians and Jews will point to the story of Onan as evidence of divine displeasure, but if you read more carefully, you see there was no masturbation involved, only early withdrawal in a deliberate attempt to flaunt the law that required Onan to raise up children to his dead older brother.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
J.J.S. <jjs@gte.net>, Salt Lake City, UT

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I was raised Catholic, and in a Catholic grade school was taught that sexual pleasures (including masturbation) were to be enjoyed only after marriage.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Jim M,, 34, Catholic, Cincinnati, OH
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THE QUESTION:
SE31: Is it true that people who regularly engage in anal sex, such as gay men, develop a “stretched” anus?
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Stefanie H., white female, Norfolk, VA
(Similar question posted Aug. 7, 1998, by, Jim , 34, straight, <jjewellcmm@aol.com>, Windsor, Ontario, Canada)

ANSWER 1:
A lot more people have anal sex than you think, and that includes a lot fewer gay men than you might think. It is common among many groups, and in some areas is a common substitute for birth control. It doesn’t stretch out the anus any more than vaginal sex stretches the vagina. The person’s exercising the muscles in the area has a lot more effect on how “tight” or “loose” their opening is. Anal sex is not harmful or painful, providing the receptive partner has time to relax and has some control over the situation; a good idea in any sex act.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Amy S., 23, safer sex educator <OakFast@aol.com>, Norman, OK

FURTHER NOTICE:
It hasn’t happened to me yet. One can develop “control” – meaning that initially that which is painful no longer is due to relaxation techniques – but it certainly hasn’t manifested itself in any problematic way.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
bintheredonethat, 26, gay white male, Bangkok, Thailand

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Yeah, guys on the “passive” end of anal sex can definitely get expanded considerably over the years. After a while there’s zero resistance and it’s kinda gross. I don’t know if any bowel problems are associated with this.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Tim C., gay male

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Not only gay men have anal sex (and many don’t do it “frequently,” and some don’t do it at all); many straight women and some gay women do (and certainly a few straight men). The physiology is the same in all cases. The anal sphinchter is a muscle like others. It can become flabby from lack of tone. It can become loose if repeatedly stretched. It can become firmer from regular exercise. However, in my experience, at least half of the act is mental, and “looseness” or “tightness” is at least as much a mental factor as a physical trait or capability.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Chuck, 35, gay male, San Francisco, CA

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