Mature 1-10

THE QUESTION:
SE10: As a straight 22-year-old female, I am in the mind frame that all people should practice safe sex. Because I am heterosexual, I am fully aware of how this is done. How do lesbians practice safe sex? Because it is two females, it must be done in a different way, and I am curious about how this is performed.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
April, MI.

ANSWER 1:
Safer sex for lesbians has been the subject of some debate. While female-to-female transmission appears to be rare, HIV is still a significant problem in the lesbian community due to other risk factors, such as needle-sharing and bisexuality. There are a handful (less than five, I think) documented cases of lesbian-to-lesbian transmission, so it is possible, if rare. The recommendations for lesbian safer sex call for the use of “dental dams” (squares of latex) when performing oral sex, gloves or finger cots for manual manipulation and clean, unshared sex toys. The big question is how necessary and used these interventions are. I know of few lesbians who use dental dams – who wants to lick a piece of latex? Latex gloves are also probably unnecessary; transmission through this route is highly unlikely. Avoiding sharing sex toys makes sense, however, and is probably more widely practiced. For for information about lesbian safer sex, you may want to go to http://ils.unc.edu/lap/laphome.html, though I think the recommendations on this link are far too cautious, and as I said above, probably not followed very often by lesbians.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M., 41, gay <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York , NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
Generally, the wisdom on safe sex between people of any gender is that there is either a latex barrier involved or there is no contact between mucous membranes. Women wanting to have safe sex can use dental dams, which were originally intended for use by, well, dentists; they are small squares of latex that are placed between one woman’s labia/vaginal area and another woman’s mouth for oral sex (also OK for men to use). A condom can double for a dental dam if the tip is cut off and it is cut down one side, making a square. Also of use are latex gloves and finger “cots” (the finger part of a glove). Other safe practices involve contact between non-mucousy parts of the body (like breasts or surface skin) and various forms of watching each other, much as between men and women. I learned much of this info from Registered Nurses as part of safe-sex/HIV peer education training.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Andrea P., 23, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Many “vanilla” lesbians are monogamous with their partners or practice what is known as serial monogamy (relatively few relationships). For those who prefer not to use a latex barrier, it is not uncommon for both women to take an HIV test before considering starting a new relationship, even though neither has engaged in any high-risk behavior, just for peace of mind. This presupposes a fairly long period of celibacy between relationships and a high level of trust between the two. I’m sure the safe sex experts could point out the potential risks in this behavior, but nevertheless, it is one method used. (Note: “Vanilla” is a slang term denoting the opposite of kinky or S&M; it has nothing to do with ethnicity.)
POSTED MAY 23, 1998
DykeOnByke, monogamous lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
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THE QUESTION:
SE9: Director’s Paraphrase: Scott of Farmington, Mich., who is white, has asked a question related to oral sex and black females. Specifically, he would like to know whether there is a different taste or smell than there would be with white females.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998

ANSWER 1:
I am a white male, and I’ve been with white, black, Oriental and Native American women. There is no difference in “taste” among races, but there are some minor differences among individual women.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Michael S. <edit15@aol.com>, Stone Mountain, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I agree with (the above answer), and I have been with lots of different kinds of women.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>, Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a black female, I am curious as to what kind of taste you would be expecting. Body parts, internal “organs” and secretions are all the same, so what difference would you expect to encounter?
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
T.R.A., black female, Hampton, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 3
There surely can be a difference in body smell or taste. This happens due to different foods. So, in a homogeneous society consuming the same food, there really shouldn’t be much difference. But certain ethnic foods are known to generate alternative odors and probably taste, e.g. certain traditional Yemenite spices affect the smell of a person’s sweat very noticeably.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
Just aware of facts <nat.cole@usa.net>, Tel Aviv, Israel
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THE QUESTION:
SE8: Director’s Paraphrase: S.R. of Rochester Hills, Mich., has asked why someone would find the sexual practice known as “fisting” pleasurable.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998

ANSWER 1:
Fisting is simply taking a pleasurable activity to an extreme. Anal pleasure has long been a taboo in Western culture; this does not negate the fact that it is real and common, practiced by gays and straights, male and female. (By the way, the fact that a man or woman enjoys receiving anal pleasure says nothing about their sexual orientation, merely that they receive pleasure in this way.) For some (mostly gay men) who enjoy anal pleasure, fisting is the end result of exploring this area of the body to the maximum. While I have never personally experienced it, friends who have talk of amazing sensations and even “seeing heaven!” There are numerous nerve endings in the anus designed to transmit pleasure; most likely to make defecation desirable. These same nerves respond to other stimulation, as does the prostate gland. If you have any notion of why anal intercourse (gay or straight) is pleasurable, just take that further, and you’ll understand fisting.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Mark M., 41, gay <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I can only answer this question in regard to vaginal fisting, as I have no experience with anal fisting. My qualifications for answering this question: I am a lesbian who absolutely loves to fist, in a relationship with a lover who absolutely loves to be fisted. The first thing I have to say is that fisting does not consist of jamming your entire fist in all at once; that hurts! It is a gradual process, starting with a finger or two. The vagina swells and “balloons” with arousal, becoming deeper and bigger around; many women like to feel full, and as the vagina expands, it can take a whole hand to fill it! I know it’s hard to imagine for those of us with tighter vaginas; I’ve never taken more than a couple fingers, and don’t need or want more than that. If this is something you’re interested in trying, you need lots of time, lots of water-based lubricant, and the fister needs to have short, completely smooth fingernails and no rings on.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
E.W. <eris@wco.com>
Cotati, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SE7: Where exactly is the “G-spot” on/in the woman’s anatomy? Is this spot more pleasurable than the clitoris?
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
J. Stickle, Flint, MI
(Similar question posted March 29, 1998, by Brian H. of Windsor, Ont., Canada)

ANSWER 1:
The G-spot, or Graphenberg (I think that is the correct name, I don’t have my book here) spot, named after the doctor who discovered it, is about an inch (sometimes more) into the vagina behind the upper wall, and is also known as the perineal sponge. When a woman gets excited, this area expands, like a sponge, and sometimes fills with a liquid that is responsible for female “ejaculation.” Stimulating this spot by stroking it can be very pleasurable for women. (I think it might vary from woman to woman, however.) You can feel it very easily when a woman is aroused because it becomes more swollen, and feels like a soft spongy rounded area that is different from the rest of the top part of the vaginal wall. It sometimes has a “ridgy” feel to it, as opposed to the smoother surface of the rest of the vagina. The book “The G-Spot” is a very good resource to read more about this.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
L.W., Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE:
On a side note, if you want to find the spot, the optimal position is for the male to behind the female. If she’s on her back, her stomach muscles will sink and block easy access to the spot. Also, you have to stimulate harder than you would a clitoris. The G-spot is not overly sensitive and can (in my experience) be extremely difficult to locate.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
David L., 25, Asian-American, Chicago, IL
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THE QUESTION:
SE6: Is it true that Asian men have small penises? (Director’s Note: Y? would prefer a qualified expert in anatomy or physiology to answer this question.)
POSTED MARCH 22, 1998
J.K., Mich.

ANSWER 1:
Outside of the obvious difference in overall size, and thus proportional endowment, Asian penis size varies as much as any other race. Reading a study done about this at one point, Asian penis size does average lower; however, so does their height and weight. Being Asian, I can assure you, we are not all of diminutive size.
Y. Lee, 22, Asian male, Ypsilanti, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
This is one of those extremely embarrassing questions, but it needs to be brought out in the open. I can tell you from only my personal experience that I’m pretty average. I believe that’s around 5.25″ to 5.5″. But be aware that (and most men of all races I’m sure can corroborate) 1) it actually increases in size when the excitement is extreme; and 2) technique is more important than size. Author and therapist John Gray commented on bedroom activity between married couples and emphasized that nothing will help if the sex ends too quickly. I think experienced people, especially active married couples, put more stock in preparation (candlelight dinners, atmosphere, foreplay and afterplay) than in size only. The myth that Asian men have smaller penises (or that black men have the largest ones) is mostly just myth, that mostly starts when you associate size with social stereotypes. For example, Asian men are seen as more intelligent and “bookish,” therefore they are less sexual, etc..
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
David L., 25, Chinese-American, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If the first answer is true, are Asian women similarly proportioned so as to be more compatible with the slightly higher occurrence of smaller males?
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Shorty, 31, sub-par white male, Overland Park, KS
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THE QUESTION:
SE5: I have heard of the practice of men using gerbils as an anal sex toy. Is this just a joke, or is it true?
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
MichB., 34, white female, Ferndale, MI

ANSWER 1:
The idea of gerbils as sex toys has been a persistent rumor for well over a decade. I first heard this in the early 1980s and recently have seen more about it via the Internet. As a gay man who has been out for more than 15 years, has lived all over the country and visited even more areas, and has researched and used to write about sex as a regular columnist, I have to say this is an urban myth. There is no truth to this rumor at all.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Tony T., 31, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Good information on how extensively this myth has been debunked can be found athttp://www.heimbaugh.com/animals/gerbilling/gerbilling_debunking.html
Mark M., 41, gay <marknyc@hotmail.com>
New York, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SE4: Why is it that black men hate to provide oral sex to their female partners?
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jim W. <jw001@hotmail.com>
Birch Run, MI
(Similar questions posted by John D., <johndoe@aol.com>, Howdie, MA; Scott of Farmington, MI; and Tracy, 28, white female, Diamond Bar, CA)

ANSWER 1:
I believe this is a sweeping generalization of all black men, and a false one at that. I think you should poll some black men and you would find that it’s simply not true that all black men hate oral sex. Where did you get this information? As a member of the African American population (female), I can say that black men are great lovers in every aspect!
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
T. Lofton, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think that is just a generalization. As a black man I love it. Having oral sex is very stimulating for some.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Kenneth L. 32 <klofton@flagstar .com>
Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The broader the generalization, the greater the likelihood is will be false – there was once a time when some Europeans (notably Germans) thought black people had tails! Consider the source of the generalization and their agenda.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
Garett <mrktngwhiz@aol.com>
Madison Heights, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I have been with several African-American men, and it really has to do with what they want to do. Some did it, others did not. It is all in a person’s preferences.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
M., 18, married female <yngmom18@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’ve heard this question from many people who have never had sex with a black man – and never from someone who has. Clearly it’s a myth, because most of the black men I know (myself included) enjoy oral sex tremendously.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Black Latino, 33, straight male, <Balomia@aol.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I was in the military in a unit that was at least half black. The vast majority of the black friends I had repeatedly joked that white guys were gross for performing oral sex on females. I only knew of one or two black soldiers who actually said they enjoyed performing it. I don’t know the reason behind this, and I am only talking from personal experience.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
M., 23, white, CA
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THE QUESTION:
SE3: Director’s Paraphrase: Matt of Windsor, Ont., as well as Kimarie F., of Toledo, Ohio, have asked a question related to the anatomy of black males, specifically if there is any truth to the perception that they are more well-endowed. If not, where did the stereotype originate? Y? would prefer that a person from a qualified background in either anatomy, sexual studies or anthropology address this question.
(Similar question posted Dec. 4, 1998, by J. East, Onalaska, WI)
POSTED MARCH 1998

ANSWER 1:
I am a Registered Nurse and work in a high-profile urology clinic in the Midwest. I am uniquely qualified to answer your question because I have literally seen thousands of penises. What you are referring to is a stereotype and/or an old wives’ tale that has been around longer than any of us, and will continue to be around long after we’re gone. The penis doesn’t seem to follow any norms or patterns related to nationalities in relation to size, length, width or functionality. Each penis is unique to the individual.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
K.F., 40, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Each person (penis and all) is unique. Still, there’s some research on this. To a limited degree, the stereotypes of black, white and Asian men are correct. Black men as a group are biggest, whites as a group are next, and Asians as a group are smallest. I’ve found no research that controls for overall body size, that is, do black men tend to be larger overall, with penises simply in the same proportion, and thus larger? My limited experience with the three groups is consistent with stereotype.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Will H., white, gay, 48, Dallas, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Part of the question deals with where the stereotype originated, and, though unasked, why it persists. One of the ways to keep an outgroup on the outs is to demonize its members, and one of the best ways to demonize a group of people is to cast them as sexual predators. It’s easy to think of well-endowed men as threatening people who need to be avoided.
POSTED MAY 15, 1998
Rex T., 34, gay white male <rex_tremende@hotmail.com>, Cincinnati, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Nurse K.F. may have seen thousands of penises, whereas I have seen only hundreds, but when we speak of penis size, it’s the erect state we’re concerned about, and as a gay man, I think I’m more familiar with that particular state. I have seen a couple of five-inch black penises and a couple of seven-inch Asian penises, but all were exceptions to the rule. I hate stereotypes, but if I had to swear by any racial stereotype, this would be the one. No question. As Madeleine Kahn said of Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles, “I’s twoo, it’s twoo!”
POSTED AUG. 8, 1998
Max H. <callme_Max@yahoo.com>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Sensitive indeed. I think we as a society are very hesitant to publicly put forth notions of racial differences, though our private thinking is often rife with such judgments. I speak as a racially mixed gay man who has probably seen fewer penises than Nurse K.F., but have seen them in a condition in which size is most rightfully assessed (I’m trying to stay within guidelines…) And the simple truth is that to the degree any stereotype can be held truthful, this one is more truthful than most. There are exceptions within every race, of course, but my not-so-limited experience supports that this folk-wisdom is wiser than most.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
T.M., gay male, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a black female and have found that my current boyfriend, who is white (and 9 1/2 inches), is a lot bigger than the six black men I’ve been with. He is also very into oral sex., so the stereotype might be true in some instances, but baby, not all.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Hillary, black female, Queens, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SE2: Director’s Paraphrase: D.R. of Michigan has asked a question related to anal sex between gay men, specifically, how or why it would be stimulating to the receptive party. Y? would prefer that a person from a qualified background in either anatomy or sexual studies address this question.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998

ANSWER 1:
My qualifications: Psychotherapist with some academic training in sexuality; gay man; occasional educator on sexual issues. First, you seem to imagine that only gay men have anal sex. Heterosexuals and bisexuals enjoy this practice, too, and often. The anus and rectum are chock-full of nerve endings and thus can experience lots of both pain and pleasure. (Example: Have you ever taken a really satisfying, unhurried dump?) I don’t know why, anatomically, this is so easily sexualized. In male anal sex, the penis often stimulates the prostate gland through the wall of the rectum. The prostate is directly involved in sexual arousal. (It produces most of the seminal fluid and contracts – pleasurably – during orgasm). Anal sex requires a little practice -mostly the ability to relax (otherwise it hurts and can even be injurious – kind of like vaginal sex). Mastering that skill, millions of people find it quite a kick. The rectum is highly vulnerable to disease organisms, so condom use is crucial.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Will H., Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE:
My qualification is as a student of sexual studies, a sex-therapist-in-training and a woman who enjoys giving and receiving anal sex with my male partner. In addition to the many nerve endings in the rectum, there are three elements I believe contribute to the enjoyment of this activity. First, the receptive partner must consciously relax his or her muscles in order to be penetrated comfortably. This is a slow process, and it can put you in an extremely relaxed, almost altered state of mind. Second, there is a strong taboo about anal penetration and play, which can lend an intense air of “forbidden-ness” to anal sex; many people find this kind of mental turn-on quite arousing. Partners who enjoy dominant/submissive play may also find that anal sex lends itself to this kind of role-playing. Third, in order for anal sex to be comfortable and pleasurable for the receptive partner (especially the first few times you try it), the penetrating partner has to be responsible for being extremely tender, careful, in control and ultra-attentive to the responses of their partner. This requires a kind of trust that can be extremely intimate, far more so than with oral or vaginal sex. All of these factors make anal sex very enjoyable to my partner and I. Both of us enjoy giving and receiving at different times, and having this in our “repertoire” adds a lot to our sex life.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
S. Addison, female, 24 <elusis@dreamscape.com>, Syracuse, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SE1: To females, an age-old question: Does size really matter?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
J.A., Dallas
(Similar question posted June 25, 1998, by R.K., <oldrk@hotmail.com>, Kokomo, IN)

RELATED QUESTION:
I would like to know the optimum size penis a woman prefers, and why.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Tom N., <nagle@mich.com>, Clarkston, MI

ANSWER 1:
I must admit, from my own personal experiences, that size does matter. It truly depends, however, on the size of the woman, that is, her internal depth and width. If her vaginal canal is narrow and short, then she could be satisfied by a small member. Her G-spot and cervix would be closer to her opening. If a woman’s vaginal canal is deep and wide, then her partner’s penis would preferably be longer and wider. Every woman’s G-spot is in the same place in her body, it just depends on her own size. If a woman’s partner is just long enough and just wide enough for a perfect fit, tell her to keep him for life!
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Erica E., 24 <rmh@voyager.net>
Clarkston , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I do not believe that the size itself matters as much as the gentleman’s preoccupation with his penis. If the man is confident regarding his skills, there tends not to be an issue and the intercourse is perfectly acceptable. If the man is worried about the size, the entire experience is wrought with self-doubt and concern for pleasure. I agree with the above response, and feel that all women are internally shaped differently to accept a variety of sizes. The excitement comes with trying to find the best personal fit!
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jenny T. <ouilandy@aol.com>
Royal Oak , MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have to agree with Erika E. What she says is completely true. Personally, I like a man who is “smaller,” meaning a less than the average. If a man is too big, it hurts! So, for you men out there who have a complex because you think you are too small, don’t worry, there are women out there like me who like it, need it and want it that way!
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Su M. 27, suburb south of Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It all depends on the woman. For some women, pleasure is not gained from vaginal penetration at all. Some of us get more pleasure (and have more orgasms) with other methods of simulation.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
C. Walker, Somewhere down South, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Size does matter. It can be so disappointing when a guy you really likes has a small penis. In some of my past relationships, it has even been a humorous point, but always ended with bad feelings. I prefer 6 to 8 inches. Smaller is just not enough, and bigger leaves me sore and reluctant to participate. If you have a small one, practice on your techniques to get her hot.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Lisa C., Garland, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
No, size does not matter, at least for the most part. The vagina expands and contracts to “hug” a wide array of penis sizes. For women who like vaginal stimulation (and not all women do, as many prefer clitoral stimulation to penetration) what does matter is that the right area of the vagina gets stimulated, which can be accomplished in a number of ways, even by a small penis. The angle of entry can be varied so that the area that feels best to the woman (whether it’s her “G” spot, which is close to the entrance of the vagina and so reachable by most penis sizes) or even her cervix can be reached. I would say that “lasting power” is much more important than size, as repeated, rhythmic stroking of the pleasurable area is what matters, not that a woman feel “filled up.” The firmness of your penis makes a difference as well. But, don’t forget that when you are pressing into the woman you are also stimulating the exterior of her sexual organs, which contributes greatly to orgasm and has nothing to do with size.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
F.W., L.A., CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Response to C. Walker (Further Notice 3): You are right. I personally get more pleasure and have more orgasms from manual manipulation than penetration. I would rather my husband manually stimulate me to orgasm than have him penetrate me. I don’t know if it has anything to do with my age or what. I am over 40 and did not have my first orgasm until I was over 35. That does not mean I did not enjoy sex. It’s just that one day my husband really touched me there and I felt like I would explode!
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
C. Lorick <blackcherrie@yahoo.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Penis size is not the most important factor in sexual intercourse, but a larger, skillfully used penis does enhance sexual satisfaction. Skillful, loving, oral and manual manipulation can compensate for a smaller penis size.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
V.B., divorced, black (mixed) female, Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I am a medium-sized woman (5’5″, 120 lbs) but have a very small vagina. I cannot tolerate a large penis – it hurts a lot.Smaller penises, on the other hand, not only fit me better, but also produce a more tickly, pleasurable feeling. It’s like everything else in dating – you just need to find your perfect match.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
D.M.M., white female, Charleston, S.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I’d like to say that most of these answers are politically correct – an attempt, I think, just to be posted. My experience is that size does indeed matter. I have a friend who has an 18-inch penis in the rested state. I found myself following him around just because he attracted more women than he could handle. They all wanted a chance at him and would do almost anything to get to him.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
K.R., 51, straight black male, Oxnard, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Size does matter. My first several partners were all around 5 or 6 inches, and don’t get me wrong, sex was, um, nice. But when I met my husband I had my first incredible, mind-blowing, G-spot orgasm (he’s about 8 1/2 inches). I also could achieve orgasm through intercourse, which until then I thought was possible only through clitoral stimulation.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
B. Thomas, 21, female, Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I have to disagree with K.R. in California. I prefer approximately five inches, and that is not a “politically correct” answer, nor am I trying to make smaller men feel better about themselves. I think the variety of answers given comes down to the same basic answer to many of the sensitive material questions – it is a matter of preference. Even at five inches, sometimes it can be painful when inserted all the way. That’s just me: My honest feelings, and nothing PC about it!
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
S. Baker, 27, white female, Warren, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I would choose a man with a talented tongue over a man with an 8-inch penis any day. It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean!
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
J.W., 33, white female <jonahthewhale@hotmail.com>, Honolulu, HI

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
To K.R.: Believe me, I am not being politically correct when I say this (and, of course, I am only speaking for myself). An 18-inch (flaccid? really?) penis is not a turn-on for me. If I saw it, well, that would have to be one guy with a super personality to convince me not to run as fast as I could out the bedroom door. Ouch.
POSTED JAN. 21, 1999
D., straight woman, Toronto, Canada