Sexual Orientation Questions 131-140

THE QUESTION:
SO135: My wife and I made a surprise visit on my baby daughter, who lives in New York. We noticed this woman there who appears to be lesbian and also noticed things that suggested my daughter and this woman might be sexual partners. How do I ask my baby girl, Are you gay?
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
W.J.F., male, <williealice@yahoo.com>, TX

 ANSWER 1:

If you ask the question, you must be prepared for the answer. So I ask you, does it really matter if she is a lesbian? Assuming she is, she has had feelings for women for years. Would your knowing change who she is or how you should treat her? Of course not, she is the same person she was before your suspicions were aroused. Should you ask her? My feelings are that she will tell you and your wife when she is ready, but you could make that a lot easier by showing tolerance toward diversity in all shapes and forms. When talking to her, show opened-mindedness toward the differences shared by people and tolerance of those whose beliefs you don’t necessarily share.

There are some great organizations available to you and your wife to help you deal with the issues you may have as the parents of a gay or lesbian child. Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) is a great organization that can provide group support and information on resources available to help you understand those issues. Above all, she is your daughter and you obviously love her, so tell her that no matter what, you will always love her and respect who she is.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Racerrat, 36, gay white male <ransom4u@iadfw.net>, Dallas , TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I have compassion for your situation. Still, even though your daughter is your “baby girl,” it appears she is a grown woman who has made many choices for herself. It may make it easier for you and for her, whatever her preferences are (sexual or otherwise), if you would admit to yourself, and to the world, that she is no longer a “baby” and someone who needs the paternalistic parenting she did when she was 12. She needs your love, she needs your support and she needs your respect.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Jean, mother of a 20-year-old <jeenerwaid@AOL.com>, Milwaukee , WI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
First, should it matter? Second, how old is your daughter? Isn’t she an adult if she’s living by herself in New York? New York is a crowded, expensive place to live. It is also a very diverse city. I would not jump to the conclusion that your daughter is gay because she has gay friends. And if she is gay, she may still be in the process of accepting it for herself. She may be dropping hints but not ready to come out to you. Give her time, let her be herself and love her for who she is, straight or gay.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Human <OneWanda@hotmail.com> New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Before you ask her anything, you need to ask yourself what you think/feel about any answer you may receive. From there, how will you treat her from that moment on? If you’re clear and honest with yourself, you will be able to be the same with her. I’m a “Daddy’s girl” from Alabama, so I know the bond you feel. The fear of losing that is overwhelming if you’ve ever been cherished that deeply. She may be facing that fear right now. Don’t let her answer fray that bond if she is lesbian and you need time to understand. Maybe she just never knew how to bring it up. Give her the opening and don’t slam any doors you can’t open again. How to ask: “I (we) love you…” Then you say, “Baby (or whatever pet name you use for her), is there something you want to tell me (us)?” I hope this helps. I have children of my own and may have one of these conversations ahead of me. When in doubt, just love them.
POSTED APRIL 22, 1999
Vanessa, 37, white female, mom, FL
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THE QUESTION:
SO134: Why does it seem that most male hairdressers, florists, entertainers, interior decorators and clothing designers are gay? Also, why do so many gay men seem to be into showtunes? Of course there are exceptions, but there really does seem to be some truth to those stereotypes.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
K., 20, straight white female <gazelle_sunday@unforgettable.com>, Potsdam, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SO133: To gay producers and writers: When are you going to stand up for yourselves and illuminate society to the fact that gays are often misrepresented? When will you present a clearer view?
POSTED APRIL 8, 1999
Waiting for liberation, 18, gay female <ds799@webtv.net>, Jacksonville, FL
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THE QUESTION:
SO132: To straight high school age or younger readers only: What have been the primary influences regarding your understanding, beliefs and comprehension of sexual orientation? Parents? Peers? Religious teachings? School? TV? Reading? Internet? What are those beliefs, and how have they changed (if any) since your earliest awareness that not everyone is heterosexual? Has first-hand exposure to gay friends or family members influenced your beliefs?
POSTED APRIL 5, 1999
DykeOnByke, 48, soon-to-be lesbian grandmother <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

ANSWER 1:
Most of the understanding I have gained about homosexuality has come from knowing and interacting with homosexuals. Now that there is a growing population of teenagers who feel comfortable expressing their sexuality, I interact and communicate with teen homosexuals on a daily basis. Though I’ve been brought up in a Christian community that in general is “against” homosexuality, I have learned that a human is a human, and sexual preference, just like physical appearance, disabilities, age, race, or any other discriminating factor, has nothing to do with the goodness of a person’s heart.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
K. Baker, Raleigh NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
My primary influence has been my parents. They are really such open-minded, loving people. It’s funny though, because I don’t remember ever giving a thought to sexual orientation when I was younger. However, as I grew up, and society taught me there was a “difference” between people, my parents’ teachings have led me to as follows: Free love! Love is so precious and rare that if you are lucky enough to find it, hold fast and cherish it. Whether it is with men, women, kids, cats, dogs, the important thing is being happy. To most of my peers, being gay wasn’t “cool” and so the boys tormented a guy friend of mine. He and two relatives are the only homosexual people I know personally, but that hasn’t really affected me; I would feel the same way had I not known them. And congrats on becoming a grandma!
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Jennifer, straight, black, 17, senior, Brooklyn , NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a high school student who has not yet made up his mind as to whether he is straight, bisexual or gay, I have to say peer presure has been the most influential thing. I go to one of the top 50 high schools in the country (as rated by Moneymagazine), and from my friends, I am given the distinct impression that homosexuality is an “OK for them but not for us” thing. My parents have been very supportive, saying numerous times, both during and not during sex chats, that whatever I choose is OK with them. However, since I am the only male youth of my family name, my grandfather (father’s side) is putting a lot of pressure on me to get married and have children at some point. I am Jewish and conservative, so the official religious viewpoint is “Homosexuality is a sin, but the least important one in the Bible” (I realize this may not be the official Jewish viewpoint, but it is what my Hebrew school teachers believe). I am still a virgin, so I have nothing physical to compare it with. Maybe I am straight, maybe I am gay, maybe I am bi. I do not know, and in the end, whatever G-d has blessed me to be, I will be.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
High School Sophmore <the_prophet@bolt.com>
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THE QUESTION:
SO131: How can some homosexuals call themselves Christians when what they are doing is specifically mentioned in the Bible as an abomination to God?
POSTED MARCH 30, 1999
Robert R., 22, white male, Christian , St. Joseph , MO

ANSWER 1:
One answer would be that they are “Christians” by being followers of Christ’s teachings and not “Paulists” by being followers of Paul. Christ never spoke of homosexuality (not once). The supposed references in Corinthians were written by Paul, not Jesus, and reflect Paul’s views and prejudices. Many people (including those who hold the opinion you do) interpret the Bible for their own ends – some to exalt themselves at the expense of others. Jesus, I believe, would be appalled at the alarming intolerance displayed by many of his so-called followers today.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Michael, 37, gay white male, relaxed Methodist <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Homosexuality is mentioned as an abomination to God in the pre-Christian Old Testament. Paul in the New Testament discusses it more as a punishment than a crime. Christ himself never mentioned homosexuality. Therefore, a homosexual has good grounds to argue that he or she is justified in calling him or herself a Christian. And if you want to get technical, only one act is mentioned as an abomination; there are homosexuals who may not perform this act. As a Christian, you should at least become aware of these things.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Ben S., 30 queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The Bible is mistranslated in a hundred different ways, and this is one of them. The Bible is talking about pedophilia, plain and simple. The Romans, at that time, had made it a fashion to take a young teen boy as a lover. This is what Paul was talking about. Read the passages a little more carefully. I had this conversation many times at the Christian college I attended to study for the ministry. The biggest problem I saw is that people would not discuss it with a clear head. They hated gays, and their minds were made up. Try not to let this cloud your judgment. A monogomous homosexual is not a sinner.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Jason B., white, straight, 26 <slingblade@qconline.com>, Quad Cities , IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There is a chapter-long discussion of this in The Good Book by Peter Gomes, a minister connected with Harvard University. That book should be available in many libraries and bookstores. Also note that in Leviticus it is an abomination to eat shellfish.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
B. Hale <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford , CT

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
There are 10 commandments, you know, and I don’t recall them being listed in any particular order of severity. Are liars also “abominations”? What about those who don’t respect their parents or covet their neighbor’s RV? (And how are gays included here, anyway? I suppose they come under the “adultery” clause.) I was taught that when Christ came he wiped out the old laws (from the Old Testament) and brought a new one: Love thy neighbor as thyself and he that believeth and is baptized will be saved. There doesn’t seem to be any mention of gays here, or any room for all this human judgment.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
A loving woman, St. Paul , MN

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Amen to all the postings so far. It is also interesting to note that when Jesus speaks about the sins of Sodom (a fundamentalist favorite), he is talking about inhospitality to strangers. Isn’t that ironic!
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
C. Brown, 37, white gay male, Christian <cjbmli@ix.netcom.com>, Boston , MA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Those who know the basics of the Bible know that man was created first, then woman. Any sexual relations, especially through intercourse, are for the union of man and woman, not man and man, or for that matter woman and woman. There are reasons for the gender differences, procreation being primary. Whether Paul wrote the reference, or Jesus specifically said it, it all comes from God. Many people tend to look for any means of justification to make sinful acts in the eyes of God acceptable. I believe you can not practice homosexual acts and still be considered a Christian, living by the teaching laws and commandments of God. Homosexuality has been around for centuries, but that does not make it acceptable. I can love and accept you as a person, but I do not condone the act.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Caddy, 40, Protestant, Lexington , KY

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The only passage in the Bible that is a direct quote of God is the Ten Commandants; none of which has “unless you’re gay” attached to them. Has anyone considered that the reason there is anti-gay, anti-black and anti-female scripture in the Bible is to give us an example of how not to act?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Alma, white Methodist lesbian <pridewks@seacove.net>, Kempner, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Like most other sacred texts, the Bible provides us with a social and moral framework within which to conduct our lives. However, much of the Bible is also couched in folklore, superstition, fear and a lack of scientific understanding. I doubt the apostle Paul had any understanding of the concept of sexual orientation; his invective against homosexual acts was directed at the degenerate, pagan cultures of ancient Rome and had nothing to do with loving, nurturing relationships. Similarly, the various codes of diet, personal hygiene and social conduct listed in Leviticus may have contributed to cultural cohesion in tribal Israel, but they have little meaning in today’s modern world. The practice of tattooing is forbidden in Leviticus; yet how many Christians do you know who have tattoos?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Chuck A., 39, gay, Catholic male <PolishBear@aol.com>, Spring Hill , WV

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
As I recall, the context of the original language in the Old Testament placed as much emphasis on homosexuality as eating non-kosher food. The words used to describe the behavior were exactly the same. However, the translation from the original language into Greek, Latin, English, etc. resulted in a differentiation between acts of similar distaste. So unless you are willing to begin demonizing people who eat pork, you might want to reconsider your justification for your prejudice.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
John K., 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford , NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
So many folks read the Bible with a pre-existing notion of what they will find there. Some folks erroneously call gay people “Sodomites.” In the books of Deuteronomy, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations, Ezekiel, Amos, Zephania, Luke, and 2nd Peter, The Sin Of Sodom is listed as Idolatry, Murder, Greed, Theft, Rebellion, Coveness, Mistreating the poor, Oppressing the poor, Arrogance, Adultery, Pride, Cruelty and failure to care for the young and poor. The two times when Jesus mentioned Sodom, it was in reference to the sin of inhospitality to strangers. The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn’t mean God doesn’t love heterosexuals. It’s just that they need more supervision.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Pastor Jim, 45, white heterosexual guy <pastorbilbrey@angelfire.com>, Columbus, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
The Bible contains many verses that no one even tries to follow, but many people latch onto the verses that seem to condemn gays. After all, why not condemn something that they aren’t? It makes them feel better to say, “Look at those evil people over there. I’m not one of them.” Actually, we can find many verses that condemn everyone else. But Jesus is about love, not condemnation or laws. I deal with these issues in great detail in my Reactions To Homophobia essay, taking on the specific verses used against gays, as well as ones that can be used against everyone else. For further information, accesshttp://members.tripod.com/~DuaneSimolke/react.html
POSTED APRIL 1, 1999
Duane Simolke, Ph.D., 33, mixed race (mostly white), male, author, The Acorn Stories, <dsphd@hotmail.com>, Lubbock , TX