Race/Ethnicity Questions 161-170

THE QUESTION:
R170: I am from a white suburb and go to school in the city. I have found that black people are rude to me because I am white. I am a very friendly and outgoing, and I do not understand why I get different treatment from black people than they give others who are black.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
David M.,19, Royal Oak, MI

ANSWER 1:
Just your garden variety prejudice and bigotry. Rather than looking at you as David, who happens to be white, they preceive you as the white guy. They are resentful about white racism, and so when you enter the picture the resentment is focused on you.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Jay B., black male <jayboyd@ameritech.net>
Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R169: I went to a high school where there were students from a variety of Middle Eastern nations. I was wondering: Why do Chaldeans talk in their native language all the time, and in front of others who don’t? (See R176 for a related question.)
POSTED APRIL 11, 1998
Jennie I., Sterling Hts., MI

ANSWER 1:
All people communicate in the most common, comfortable, normal way for the speaker and the direct audience. If you watch your own communication, you will find that it varies between friends, elders, kids, writing, public speaking, employment, etc. Children raised in close association with a German-speaking grandparent and a Spanish-speaking grandparent will automatically switch to the appropriate language when talking to them. They won’t consider the change in language an insult to the other grandparent. Without evidence to the contrary, I would not assume someone using a language you do not understand does so to exclude or insult you.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
C. Pepmiller, craig@more.net, MO
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THE QUESTION:
R168: Director’s Paraphrase: Jas of Pensacola, FL, asks a question for whites: He, as a black male, often finds himself in a situation many blacks face: Being the only person of their race in a room (at a party, school function, on the job, etc.) He would like to know how often white people find themselves the only person of their race in a room full of people, and how they react to it and feel in that situation. If not, how would they honestly feel and act if they were in that situation?
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998

ANSWER 1:
In a military officer training situation I once shared a dorm room for two weeks with three black women. I felt like I was on an alien planet! They all read Ebony magazine, listened to rap music and talked together in a city slang I could barely understand. Everything was perfectly friendly and polite on both sides, but I pretty much kept to myself. There just didn’t seem to be any common ground, and I was afraid of pushing in where I might not be wanted.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Colette, 32, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a white woman who considers herself “purposely bicultural,” I find myself in that situation very often, and I am extremely comfortable with it. However, while facilitating a workshop on erasing racism (“Eracism”), we found that most white people’s comfort level is dependent on how much free-floating guilt they carry with respect to racism. If they have a lot, they feel uncomfortable in any situation in which they are not in the large majority. If they have a little or none, they don’t. So the solution for white folks who feel uncomfortable (or think they would) is to look inside themselves and determine what steps they need to take to heal themselves in the area of prejudice and racism. One step would be to do research; there are many good books written on this subject. Another would be to purposely seek out people of other cultures and get to know them and understand the differences in our circumstances and perspectives. I believe the end to racism will come one person at a time.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Joan, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It’s not comfortable to feel conspicuous in a group. As an extremely shy person, I can tell you that the “Only One” feeling is not limited to race. It happens to the only one of a gender, the only one in formal clothing, the only one of a religion and anyone who feels out of place for reasons of personal insecurity. I feel this almost every time I walk into a room where there are people. I used to feel that black people would want to reject me as an interloper when I was one of the few white people in the room. I no longer do because, now, I have so many diverse friends. Last weekend, I spent a day at a conference with about 150 black people and maybe three or four whites. I never felt conspicuous. I had a wonderful day because so many people there were friends, and they introduced me to their friends. However, I did feel out of place during the praying and preaching because I am not a Christian.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Molly, Ohio <jbfails@aol.com>

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’ve encountered that situation a number of times. My wife is black, and when we were dating in college, I would go down with her to visit her grandmom on the south side of Chicago. Being poor college students, we mostly rode the bus, and virtually every time, I was the only white person on the bus or in her grandmom’s neighborhood. It was a truly eye-opening experience – very, very weird. (Nobody ever bothered me – I suspect they could’ve cared less. The weirdness was in my own head, because it was so different from what I was used to.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
A few years ago I checked into a hotel near a conference I was attending. I started getting mildly anxious and couldn’t understand why. It suddenly hit me that all of the people around me were black – guests and employees. I realized I was worrying about my safety, and that worry was purely based on the skin color around me. This experience was a real eye opener for me. Since then, I have deliberately placed myself in situations where I am in the minority. The more I do, this the more comfortable I am. Sometimes it is uncomfortable – being one of two whites in a class on the African-American family, I often felt compelled to keep my comments to myself. I considered this a taste of what it must be like for many African-American students on white campuses.
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Pat, white <hultsp@cobleskill.edu>
Cobleskill, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I’m gay, Jewish and the only male of four siblings. Through travels, I’ve been the only white, only American, only English speaker. It’s an odd experience, that over time, I guess I’ve just learned to get used to. Here’s what I do: A lot of smiling, nodding, trying to get along, trying to be involved no matter how out of place, being at ease with the fact that some people just plain don’t agree with me and, most importantly, always assuming the best of people. In high school I had a Hebrew teacher who gave me the clearest understanding of the problem. He could barely speak English except for his subject, and he was very uncomfortable with the class. So every time someone cracked a joke and the students laughed, he would get angry. He always thought we were making fun of him, and that was rarely the case. Assuming the worst kept him tense, out of place and ultimately unhappy. And even if his assumptions had been true, they didn’t help him reach the class.
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Michael, 30, white <TheMartian@juno.com>
Houston, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I grew up in a decent-size city (100,000). I moved to Toronto to go to school and got a job at a local community center working with kids. I remember looking around one day at work and realizing I was the only white person there, kids and all. Even now, there’s only one white kid who ever shows up for the program. At first it was odd, but now I don’t even notice it. I got used to it quick. Now, when I’m with a lot of white people, it catches me off guard.
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Kelly C., 20, white <crok9497@hotmail.com>
Toronto, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I live in Hamtramck, Mich., a smaller version of the “Melting Pot.” There are all races within this city. I used to go to a dollar store on the main street here to get my nails done but I quit going. The reason was that the place was full of black women who looked at me like they were going to spit on my shoes. But, the last time I was there I went with a different attitude. I went in and sat down feeling I belonged just like everyone else. Without showing my own feelings of discomfort, I seemed to disarm their aggression toward me, and I actually had a very informative conversation with a black woman sitting in the seat beside me. It just makes you see the similarities in animal behavior in comparison to human behavior. Animals keep their status in a group by pure intimidation. Humans are not too different.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
N.Barrett <elton98@excitemail.com>
Hamtramck, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
When I was attending the University of Texas at El Paso, I was involved with some groups of international students. When I was with a friend, I was more comfortable than when I did not know anyone in the group. How quickly I overcame any unease depended on how quickly I was able to get to know someone in the group. Three of my four roommates were internationals, and that also probably helped me overcome any discomfort I might have otherwise had.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
W.B., white male, Amarillo, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I am actually the most comfortable around black people. I am from England and although I am white, I feel uncomfortable around many white Southern Americans. I have lived in the States 11 years, and my friends are black, English or from the North. I find that I doubt the sincerity of and cringe at the conversations of many white people, because I know these conversations would not take place if black people were around. I’d rather not be exposed to this bigotry, so I’ll take my knocks with the black folks, thanks.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Lorraine. B, 41, white female <BRITTinFL@aol.com>, Panama City, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I used to be friends with a black man in his early 30s who was a sales rep with one of my employer’s stock distributors a few years ago. He was one of the friendliest people I have ever met, the kind of person who lights up your day. Every year he had a huge party at his house during one of the holidays, and I was always invited. A few of my friends and I always went to his gathering and had a great time. I suspected before I went to the first party that we would be in the minority, but I really didn’t care. At first I felt a little strange because all the black ladies in the room stopped talking and stared at us as we walked in, and even seemed to snub us throughout the evening, but I didn’t pay much attention to them. I was there to see my friend, and he was the life of the party, making sure everyone was having a good time. Some of his other black friends talked to us, and they were just as cool as he was. My friends agreed they did feel a bit out of place at first, but after a few minutes of chatting with other people there, we ignored the fact we were the oddballs.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
A.D., twenty-something, white female, Northwest Florida

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
While in college I attended a step show coordinated by the Black Fraternity Council with a friend of mine. There were approximately 2,000 people there. Everyone I saw that night was black except for me and maybe two others. I received a few awkward looks from people I think would have preferred I be elsewhere. However, I think most people did not care I was there. It felt a little uncomfortable and intimidating because I don’t enjoy being in the spotlight, and I felt like I stood out.
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
Laurie, white
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THE QUESTION:
R167: Why do Aborigines often look messy?
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Kerry M., Australia <mCdULING@POWERUP.COM.AU>

ANSWER 1:
All Aborigines don’t look “messy.” Many white Australians only get to see Aboriginal people who are homeless or have obvious problems with alcohol in the cities. Many Aboriginal people are not obviously Aboriginal looking. Some, including friends of mine, did not realize their Aboriginality as they were fostered. So you may already know Aboriginal people who are not “messy.”
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
Paul C. <canning@rainbow.net.au>, Sydney, Australia
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THE QUESTION:
R166: Recently my social work class visited an Indian Nations University. During a dialogue, the Native American professor referred to non-whites as “people of culture.” Although I realize white culture is dominant, I wonder whether I should have taken offense to this comment. Was he implying that white culture is completely homogeneous, or was it simply a way of reflecting on non-white culture?
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Carly, 21, Lawrence, KS

ANSWER 1:
Unflatteringly put – but it’s generally true these days. European immigrants came to this country from many different cultures, so they formed a Great Generic Society to include all (then white) Americans. Generations later, the Generic Society has expanded to include minorities, leaving many white people feeling disenfranchised. White “wannabees” cling to the fringes of minority groups, because they feel they have no valid culture of their own. White separatists fight to preserve what they mistakenly consider to be “white culture.”

European-American people need to become ethnic again. Study the real history, mythology and culture of the country of your ancestors. It’s different from what you learned in school. Not only will it reunite you with your rightful culture, educate and entertain you, but you will understand yourself better. For example, what I once considered some of my character defects (because they didn’t fit in the Generic Society) I have since learned are typical French behavior patterns, passed down from my ancestors.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Colette, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
To Colette: By gravitating toward our “real” culture (non-American), we will never get along. Whites have no right to complain about blacks being “different” or “those Hispanics” who don’t learn to speak the language if we are constantly promoting our Italian or German or French roots instead of trying to develop an inclusive society. The French, Mexicans and Japanese can preserve their own culture without us – just as we want to take in different cultures when we visit Europe, international visitors want a taste of America when they come here, not ersatz Gallic, Sino or African customs. How would you like to visit the Moulin Rouge and see McDonalds and GAPs everywhere?
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Steve, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Steve: The best way to deal with diversity is to accept and celebrate it, not wipe it out. I see nothing wrong with people of varied races preserving their own cultures and customs. There’s nothing wrong with a Hmong community within America, or an African-American community or a Belgian community. But as long as white people are taught the American dominant culture is “white culture,” the more they will fight to prevent other races being included.

As for the tourist trade, I doubt foreigners would be upset to find parts of America similar to their own country … there are already McDonaldses all over Europe, and even in Moscow and India (where, since beef is taboo, they serve mutton hamburgers!) but it hasn’t stopped Americans from traveling.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Colette, 32, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour, WI
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THE QUESTION:
R165: Director’s Paraphrase: Mike of Wheaton, Maryland, wants to know why blacks have been treated with little respect in regard to their military service to the United States. “What’s with white America’s loyalties?” he asks, stating that German prisoners in World War II rode in front of black American soldiers on transport trains, and that former U.S. enemies and their children from Japan, Korea and Vietnam are now treated as “honorary Americans.” Y? would prefer that someone with a background in the history of race and/or military conflict address this question.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
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THE QUESTION:
R164: I see Asian women dating more white men than Asian men. I would like to know why.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Victor, male, Secaucus, NJ

ANSWER 1:
Many Asian women probably think white men are more romantic, and (maybe the most important for those women who are highly educated and have careers of their own), many of them are not very strict about the so-called traditional gender roles (where husband works and wife stays at home). This is what I heard from many of my female friends who dated and married white men.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Chi Yu, Chinese female, Indonesia

FURTHER NOTICE:
Being a white male who has dated an Asian female, I can only offer my own experience. Asian women are great – the relationship is that much more spiritual, and you are opened up to a new culture. As to why Asian women date white males, you have got me; I personally think we’re boring.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Gefro <Monkeyshine_69@hotmail.com>
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are many theories. Here are a couple: One is that with the small numbers of Asians in many American communities, often the only other Asian males that Asian females have grown up around are relatives. Thus, encountering other Asian males in school, work or wherever, they’re reminded primarily of relatives rather than potential love interests. The second theory, and one I believe in much more, is that Americans, including Asian-American women, rarely see positive, sexy, dynamic, interesting portrayals of Asian men in the mass media. Asian men’s movie roles can be summed up by the stereotypical “five Gs”: Geek, gook, gangster, guru, gung fu. About 98 percent of our roles are in those categories. Other races are portrayed positively (or at least sexually) at times in the media; Asian men rarely are.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
David, 35, Asian American <HoopNation@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not know if you are speaking of Asian Americans or Asians from Asia, but I can tell you why Asian women often find Americans and Europeans more attractive: In much of Asia, often the role of the girlfriends and wives was to be the maids and child-rearers. I heard from a number of women, including friends and former girlfriends, that their ex-boyfriends and husbands expected them to clean the house, make dinner, and no more. The men paid no attention to them, showed no affection to them and barely talked to them. In contrast, Americans and Europeans paid far more attention to them. In short, they went where they felt they were being appreciated.
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
R. deLorimier <delorimier@hotmail.com>, San Francisco, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R163: Why is it that when you see whites in a TV or a magazine advertisement, especially with furniture, they are reading a book or magazine, but the blacks are hardly ever shown reading anything?
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Jas, black <themoas@aol.com>
Pensacola, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R162: I just started dating a white guy and my friends find that very strange. I do not see any color, creed or what-have-you, but how can I make my friends see that?
POSTED APRIL 8, 1998
Jayne, black, Tampa, FL

ANSWER 1:
I feel the answer is “choice and compatibility.” I believe the only way to put a stop to racism and enhance interracial and interpersonal relationships is by “mingling” and by realizing there is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial relationships.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Female, black <ifebigh77@hotmail.com>
Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
You can’t make anyone see anything they don’t want to see. All you can do is try to educate your friends. Tell them he is a great guy who happens to be white. If they are true friends, they won’t have a problem with you dating a white guy. If they choose not to associate with you anymore, then be prepared for that. You didn’t want to associate with ignorant people, anyway. Be prepared to get an education yourself. If you didn’t see color before, you sure will now. Please remember that your white boyfriend may be having similar or worse problems with his friends and family, so you must support each other.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Jas, black <themoas@aol.com>
Pensacola, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don’t really think you can make your friends or anyone see through your eyes. Just keep doing what you’re doing, and hopefully they and others will follow suite. Good luck and stay happy.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Gail, Euless, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
In your (Jayne’s) first statement, you state that you’re dating a white guy. In your second statement you say you don’t see race. That’s a contradiction. If you feel comfortable dating a white guy, do it, but don’t suggest that you don’t see that he is, indeed, white. That denial will in the end destroy you and your own identity. Since you claim notto notice he’s white, do you also hope he doesn’t notice your race? Maybe it’s this attitude that your friends are turned off by. I would be.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Black Woman, 38, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I don’t think she’s saying she doesn’t see any color at all, but that it’s not an important factor in her decision – that she’s deciding based on other qualities – and that since it is, in fact, her decision, why can’t her friends deal with it? In any case, I’m white, my wife’s black, we’re about to celebrate our 20th anniversary and we couldn’t be happier.

There are a number of things you’re going to have to deal with in dating a white guy when you’re a black woman: 1) Very few people are going to understand (as you’re finding out), on either side of the color line. 2) His family and friends will, in all likelihood, be horrified about his dating you. (Half my family disowned me when I married my wife – their loss). This is because socially, it’s a step down. Your family is less likely to be upset – virtually all of my wife’s relatives have been wonderful about our marriage. 3) You’ll get constant questions along the lines of “what about the kids?” If you decide to have children, understand and recognize that this society considers them black – not mixed race, not multi-ethnic, but black. 4) You will get sniped by “friends” about your choice. Remember, most people want to validate their experiences, not yours. So if they cannot conceive of dating someone of a different color, they can’t imagine why you would, either. Good luck! If you truly care for this person, and he cares for you, there really is no need to worry about skin color.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To “Black Woman” in Michigan: When I say I do not see any color or creed, I mean I do not judge people by the color of their skin or their religion. I judge people by their character and the positive things they have to offer society. Of course I see he is white and I am black, but he is first a human, then a man and then I place what race he falls into.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Jayne, Tampa, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
If you truly love him, work on your relationship. Work on being confident in the mate you have chosen. Work on your lives together. You may lose some friends; you cannot make all people accept what is right for you. But, at least, they should try to be open-minded and supportive enough of you to accept what you have chosen.

I am trying to get over this barrier myself. I have passed up a lot of men of other races than my own (black) because of family and social pressures. The household and general environment in which I was raised was not very tolerant of diversity. Moreover, in general, I do not think my city is very accepting of interracial romances, particularly those between black women and white men. Now that I am in my late twenties, I regret making those choices when I was younger. However, I do not think I will make that error again. Be true to yourself. If you love him, hopefully your friends and family will see that love and come around.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
M.J., Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R161: Why is rap music dominated by black artists?
POSTED APRIL 8, 1998
Brendon S., 21, white male <snellb5883@uni.edu>
Cedar Falls, IA

ANSWER 1:
Because, just like Jazz, the blues, Gospel and rhythm and blues, black people invented it based on their own life experiences.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Sara S., Oakland, CA
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