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Gender Questions 91-100

THE QUESTION:
GE100: My 32-year-old fiance would be satisfied to make love once every two months. After seven years together, I don’t expect it to be as frequent as at first, but is this average for a man of his age?
POSTED NOV. 30, 1998
Nikki, 29, white female, Chicago , IL

ANSWER 1:
While I can’t speak for your fiance, I am a 38-year-old male and have no problem with regular, even frequent sex (many times per week, when the opportunities arise ). It may just be normal for him, or he may have some medical or physiological issue that should be investigated. POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
Rod S., 38, straight white male, Tulsa , OK
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THE QUESTION:
GE99: Where did the rule that a girl can’t ask a guy out come from? Whenever I tell one of my friends “I like that guy a lot, I think I’ll ask him out,” they say “You can’t do that, the guy’s supposed to ask you out.” Why is this?
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Kristi M., female, St. Petersburg, FL

ANSWER 1:
Back in the dark ages, it was the man’s job to look for sexual opportunity and the woman’s job to say she wasn’t interested unless there was a wedding ring involved. If the woman called the man first, she lost the ability to claim she wasn’t interested, thus giving her “a reputation.” I, personally, am thrilled when a woman takes the initiative. Many modern men are. These are enlightened times, right? Yes, but some men are stuck in the dark ages. They may assume your invitation to a first date is an invitation to immediate sex. Also, many “old-fashioned” men are turned off by a woman who shows independent thought or strong will. Decide what kind of man he is, and what kind you want. If you’re scientific and careful, you could even use the first call as a screening method.
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
D.W., 31, male <DPWally@yahoo.com>, Brooklyn, NY
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THE QUESTION:
GE98: My boyfriend of three months is very lousy in bed. He does not believe in foreplay. I am a very affectionate person and love being caressed and romanced. The first time we had sex it was so awful and loveless that I cried (he doesn’t know this). I am very much attracted to him, and we have a great rapport. How do I tell him how I feel? I do not want to hurt his ego.
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Jayna, female, Miami, FL

ANSWER 1:
Talk, talk ,talk. If there is a problem in any part of your relationship, you should be able to talk about it. Show him what you like and want. To make it more comfortable, ask him what he likes and wants. Considering that making love is something you’ll be doing for many years, you should work at it now to make it better.
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
Steve, 43, male, Boston , MA
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THE QUESTION:
GE97: Since ninth grade, I’ve believed girls and women lie when they say they want a relationship with a “good man.” I consider myself a good person, but often find myself on the wrong end of rejection. Just what do women want? (And no b.s. please!)
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Vincent, 25, male <flame73@iols.net>, Chicago, IL

ANSWER 1:
First, your definition of good might not mesh with someone else’s – each person has their own, and the fact that you consider yourself a good person doesn’t mean you’ll fit someone else’s criteria. The second part is that you are probably at least partly right – “good” may be part of what they’re looking for, but it’s almost certainly not the whole story. Attraction is a strange individual thing, and does not tend to listen much to reason.
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
Catherine H., 25, married <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinvill , WA
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THE QUESTION:
GE96: How do you explain to young girls some of the problems they could encounter with single motherhood when they see their “role models,” such as Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell, raising children on their own?
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Lori, 36 <Loradrlng@aol.com>, Menifee, CA

ANSWER 1:
You have to realize that from the time a little girl is old enough to sit up, she is handed a doll to pretend that she is a mommy, so it is not just the result of seeing Madonna. It is highly glamorized. In high schools, they give kids a 10-lb. baby doll, and they have to bring it to class, change it and pay someone a penny an hour to babysit. After a week, they realize how much work it is. You might want to give her an egg (raw, so that it is fragile), have her put a face on it, and watch it for a week. If it breaks, she could be jailed for abuse. If she leaves it on a shelf unattended, she could be charged with neglect. Make her bring it with her when she plays, eats, etc. Then talk about taking on that kind of responsibility alone, possible prejudices, the sacrifices, and also talk about the biological clock running out, and reasons why people choose to have a child anyway. If she looks at all sides of the issue, my bet is she will wait as long as she can.
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
Craig, 35 <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE:
Some of the things these “celebrity single moms” have in common is that they are older and have spent many years pursuing their education and building their careers. Therefore, they have the money to make their lives easier. They can afford personal assistants, nannies, drivers and whatever else they need. Their lives are very different from the lives of girls who have children before they are able to provide for them financially. A girl who has a baby and keeps it will end up being dependent on her parents, the father’s family and probably the welfare system, and will not be fully adult and independent. I ended up adopting as a single woman and (so far) it has not been all that hard because I have a very good income, and also the patience and perspective on life that makes being a mother now a lot more fun.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
P.J., 40, white, single, professional, adoptive mom <civserv@yahoo.com>, San Jose, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE95: Is it considered discrimination for women to have long hair but not men? Can an employer legally tell a long-haired male to cut his hair or risk losing his job? Are workplace rules stating that men should wear their hair in a “conservative and neat” manner legally permissible? I only ask because I used to have long hair. It was always clean and very well-kept. However, in the business world, some people do not take a man seriously if he wears a longer hairstyle. Therefore I cut it but still miss it very much.
POSTEDN NOV. 23, 1998
Stu, 27, white male <hawkstu@juno.cm>, Wixom, MI

ANSWER 1:
Some hamburger joints require women to wear a hair thingie, lipstick, knee skirts, no socks and nylons. McDonalds won’t let beards over an inch or so, piercings or tattoos anywhere near an interview. All my male friends who have long hair are in the business or computer world. The blue-collar world is much more strict regarding personal appearance than the white-collar world. If you’d like long hair, perhaps a job where public appearance is not considered a factor might be looked into.
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Aris A., 21, white/Hispanic female <Arissssss@AOL.com>, Alameda, Bay Area , CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE94: Do men these days prefer “natural” big breasts over implants, and why (or why not)? Or, are breasts just breasts to men, regardless of their make-up? I am a naturally, amply-bosomed female who would still like to believe men prefer traditional, natural breasts over artificial ones.
POSTED NOV. 17, 1998
Dee, 31, female, size 38DD, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
I always have and always will prefer natural over fake, whether it be breasts or anything else. Colored contacts bug me (they never look real), too much make-up rubs off on clothing, a spray-on tan looks ugly, etc. The same goes for breasts. I would rather have the real thing than skin-covered bags of gel. I also believe that one should never undergo any type of surgery unless it would be necessary to improve or maintain health, not appearance.
POSTED NOV. 19, 1998
Stephen S., 31, male, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I prefer naturally large breasts over implants. There is a difference in the feel and sway between natural breasts and those with implants. I also don’t like the way implanted breasts stick straight out. Some look hard as rocks. They just don’t look as nice.
POSTED DEC. 16, 1998
Jeff, 42, male <Jeffp65993@aol.com>, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE:
Implants are also a lot of work, according to a friend of mine who had them. The ones who have implants that are hard as rocks have not put work into maintaining them. As a woman who loves women, I much prefer real to implanted. And thank you gentlemen, for agreeing.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Kerry, 29, bisexual married female, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE93: From a man’s point of view, do you think women are treated inferior to men, and if so, how and why?
POSTED NOV. 17, 1998
D. Price <abqteachr@netscape.net>, Albuquerque, NM

ANSWER 1:
I think women are treated differently in some ways and quite worse in others. Our society abounds with major sins: Wife abuse, double standards, unequal pay, glass ceilings, sexual harassment, marital infidelity, etc. Why men (and in some cases women) mistreat women in these ways is a mystery to me. I cannot imagine striking a female or cheating on my wife, and in the two opportunities I’ve had to influence hiring decisions, both of my selections for the most qualified candidates (for engineering positions) were female. That said, obviously some people are actively abusing, victimizing or discriminating against women, and the only “why” I can offer you is that we live in a world filled with stupid, ignorant and sometimes evil people who will treat you this way if you let them. I think the more interesting set of issues concerns areas in which society treats women different from men. From chivalry to women in the military to child-rearing/home-making responsibilities to pornography – there are a whole host of areas in which mistreatment is in the eye of the beholder.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Mark, 31 white male, Alexandria, VA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I belong to a professional fraternity, which means we allow men and women to join. But there is one member who will never allow a woman to join as long as he is active. It makes me mad that he won’t let a person join just because they don’t have a penis. The women he disallows could turn out to be very valuable members of the fraternity. Also, whenever I think about this, I think about the Peabody Club, which, I believe, won’t let women join. Just ask yourself if you would like to be treated that way if the tables were turned.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Jeremy, 23, white male <jeremyjw@engin.umd.umich.edu>, Southfield, Mich.

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think it is mainly for cultural reasons, and Judeo-Christian religions are the most responsible for that situation. A few centuries ago, for the Roman Catholic religion, women did not even have a soul. For Muslims, women are still considered as inferior to men. In elections, the right for a woman to vote is not very old. Even now, in some Swiss states that is the case. But the main question is about the definition of the word inferior. Inferior, related to what? Is a man inferior to a woman because he cannot give birth? Indeed, women and men are different, physically and psychologically. And in some political, religious, social or ethical matters, it is obvious that women and men should be separated. Not because of level problems, but because in many bi-sexual groups, the implicit sexual competition between women (or men) prevents sincere and efficient relationships.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Franck, 60, French republican <fdondon@club-internet.fr>, Paris, France
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THE QUESTION:
GE92: Why is it that you can meet a woman at a club and go see her the next day, but if you meet one on the computer, they send you through hell and back before you can meet them?
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
B.J., <bjamust@aol.com>, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
Having Internet access for four years, I can tell you that it is designed as an open forum for the exchange of ideas and information. With that in mind, expect to meet that woman at a club.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Christopher D., 22, white male <alphacentuari@mindspring.com>, Arlington, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
There is no way to screen people on the Internet. There is no way to know whether the person you talk to is a psychotic murderer searching for victims, a con artist looking for their next scam, or honestly just a nice guy looking for a date. Lots of the people I know have stories about Internet friends turning out to be total lunatics who lied about everything they said on the net. Women have more to lose when meeting with a total stranger – when was the last time you heard of a man being found dead in an alley after being raped and strangled?
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Colette, female <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour , WI
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THE QUESTION:
GE91: To women: If you cheated on your husband or boyfriend and knew they would never find out, would you ever tell them?
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Eric H., Hispanic

ANSWER 1:
Yes. It would drive me crazy not to. (In fact, if I’m even just attracted to someone, my husband usually gets to hear me go on and on about whether this is something I want to pursue or not.) And I’m lousy at keeping secrets.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Catherine, 25 bi poly female <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA

FURTHER NOTICE:
No. Why tell him? I think it would only make things worse. By admitting you cheated on him, he is liable to break off the relationship.
POSTED FEB. 23, 1999
C. Washington, 20 <cnwashington@mail.millikin.edu>, Decatur , IL
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