Gender Questions 81-90

THE QUESTION:
GE90: A female told me she just wanted to be friends, but one day when our school took a field trip, she thought I was supposed to spend the whole day with her. Why did she assume I would spend the day with her?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Matthew L., 25, Asian <mlee@curry.edu>, Quincy, MA

ANSWER 1:
Are people only supposed to spend significant amounts of time with romantic interests? Friends like each others’ company, too. Period. End of story.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Joshua, male, 20, Pittsburgh, PA
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THE QUESTION:
GE89: To women: When you ask a man out on a date, shouldn’t you pay for it? Please respond only if you have asked a man out.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
B.A.W., 28, black male, Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
I think if a woman asks a man out, she should be responsible for the planning and financing of the date. When I ask someone out, I see it as an opportunity to do something nice for both of us. When a man asks me out, I often offer to pay for my part of the meal, tickets, etc. If he wants to pay for everything, I will allow him to do so, because he deserves the same nice feeling I get when I’m the one “footing the bill.” What I’m wondering is, how did the woman (women) ask you out? Was she straightforward, or was she manipulating you because she wanted you to give her a good time? If she was trying to manipulate you, then I think you have a deeper question to answer than who pays for what. If you want to continue relationships with women who ask, then don’t pay, perhaps you could let them know what you expect before you accept another date with them.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
S.C., Southern woman who has asked men out, Rock Hill, SC

FURTHER NOTICE:
The common practice here in the Bay Area is that whoever does the asking pays for the first date. After that, different arrangements can be made based on various factors such as whether one person makes a lot more money than the other, how expensive the date is, etc. Basically, it’s a topic that needs to be discussed between the two people since the old traditions no longer apply.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Sara, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
When I extend an invitation to a man, I pay, just as I expect him to when he asks me out. If there is any doubt, ask her particularly if it’s the first time. Certainly, you have enough tact and communication skills to make this a simple inquiry. For me, if we have gone out several times, and I can’t pay but want to see him, I ask if we can go Dutch. But, I never ask a first date to take me out and pay for it. Instead, if I want him to pay, I wait for him to make the offer. I also buy flowers for a guy and cook him dinners (and serve it to him), so maybe I’m not the norm.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
Zawadi, black female, 33, Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GE88: Why do most women find male exhibition disgusting, if not criminal, while most men find women showing off their bodies to be very intriguing? Men seem to welcome a woman’s public display of skin, but women view a man as perverted if he displays any “private” area of his body in public.
POSTED OCT. 29, 1998
R.J., Cincinnati, OH

ANSWER 1:
I think it depends on the context of the display. If it controlled by the woman (e.g. Chippendale’s-type clubs), I don’t believe that all (or even most) women are bothered. There are probably some women who have been socialized to feel this public display is disgusting, but they’d probably feel that way about a woman’s public display, too. However, if the display is controlled by the man (e.g., a flasher), in my opinion, there is an element of intimidation involved. I don’t believe the flasher is saying “look how sexy I am,” but rather “I can do this to you and you can’t do anything about it.” I don’t think most women are offended by the display so much as threatened by it. I have had this discussion with my husband, when some friends of ours were flashed while out walking in the park. He couldn’t understand why they were so upset about “a prank.” I could (and can) only explain that it doesn’t “feel” like a prank, it “feels” like a threat! In a diversity class I attended, the women listed things the didn’t like about being a woman (and the men did the same about being men). One of the things was “being prey.” A lot of the men laughed when this was read in the class – not viciously, but because they didn’t realize the depth of feeling involved.
POSTED NOV. 17, 1998
Janon, 38, female <janon_rogers@hp.com>, Lebanon, OR
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THE QUESTION:
GE87: Why aren’t men more emotional, and why don’t they let their hearts rule their minds?
POSTED OCT. 26, 1998
Kavita, female <snowyt@hotmail.com>, Delhi, India

ANSWER 1:
Since I was a little boy, I was told to buck-up, not cry, etc. Emotions were for girls. Boys were to remain calm and strong. And not to put too fine a point on it, but “only weak men (read gay) have emotional responses.” It has to do with this “machismo” crap. I find it funny that women complain that they make only 60 to 70 cents to a man’s $1 for wages, yet men don’t complain that they are denied something much more basic than money in this lifetime: Their emotions. So to set the record straight, woman are not the only people who have a burden against them from birth. For too long, men have been shaped into something far less than their potential.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
Matthew, white, 40ish, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
The question could easily be reworded (from a male standpoint) to “Why aren’t women more practical, and why do they let their emotions get the best of their minds?” It has been scientifically proven (although I can’t quote you the study off the top of my head) that the brains of men and women operate differently. The synapses of a man’s brain tend to fire within hemispheres, while the synapses of a woman’s brain are more prone to fire across hemispheres. On a physiological level, men and women actually do think differently. I do not pretend to understand completely the way the female mind works, and the evidence that our brains really are different lets me know I’m not crazy in not understanding everything my wife does. But I accept that fact, and I appreciate my wife’s point of view on things.
POSTED OCT. 29, 1998
Stephen S., 31, male, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Men and women are different physically (obviously) and physiologically, consequently emotionally. Hormones in the brain differ from male to female. Consider that women are more intuitive because their left and right hemispheres of their brain are better connected, allowing the analytical side to work with the creative side. Men tend to be more analytical because they use their left brain more than their right brain, much like people are left- or right-handed. This is all from a neat book called The Differences Between Men and Women.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
Ronald V., 45, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
GE86: Why are 95 percent of men more attracted to other women when they already have beautiful wives and are in love with them? Why is this not (always) the case with women?
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Kavita, Indian <snowyt@hotmail.com>, Delhi, India
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THE QUESTION:
GE85: How do women feel when they see men wearing high-cut, sexy bikini swimsuits on the beach? Do you find them attractive or otherwise?
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Michael, straight male, 30 <michaelfresch@hotmail.com>, Round Rock, TX

ANSWER 1:
I find them really unattractive, but you should wear whatever you like. I do.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
S.R., 20, white female, Austin , TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I love legs. I think most heterosexual women I know like men’s bodies. Women can be visually oriented a bit, too.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A., 21, whi/hisp female <Arissssss@aol.com>, Alameda, Bay Area, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE84: Is it true that some men do not find pornography appealing because they may feel it dehumanizes or demeans the women (or men) depicted in it?
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Keila, 23, female, San Jose, CA

ANSWER 1:
Er – yes and no. I do believe that it can harm both the people in it (exploitation/demeaning/trapped) and the people who use it (tend to objectivize/idealize images; not relate to real people; not see subjects as real people). However, I use pornography, so I am not able to say I don’t find it appealing. I am able to shut out my objections to achieve gratification. I find it hard to make real “grown-up,” intimate relationships because of low self-esteem and -image, and am in therapy working on feeling better about being me and accepting that I am likable to and genuinely liked by others. Using porn is more of a symptom and (as an ex-smoker of 40 a day) like an addiction: You know it’s not good for you, but it’s a “safe”/familiar action with a predictable outcome. I would be surprised if there were men who didn’t use it for the above reasons, but I do know men who just don’t need/use it.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Steve H., 53, white, divorced <steve.hill@stevehil.globalnet.co.uk>, Leeds, United Kingdom

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Like most men (including the ones who won’t admit it), I enjoy pornography. I regret that some women feel it is degrading to women. I don’t think it demeans women at all. I believe it celebrates their attractiveness. (On rare occasions, I hear women complain about being treated as “sex objects,” but I’ve never heard their feelings about treating men as “money objects.”) What I find demeaning are the commercials on TV that portray either men or women as complete idiots.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Lazarus, 45, white male <lazarus99@usa.net>, Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I also use porn. On a regular basis. Not because of any lack of sexual activity, but as an enhancement to sex. Whether I’m alone or with a woman, porn makes a terrific visual stimulant. And why would someone think that porn is degrading to women? There are black people in pornography, and yet porn isn’t considered degrading to colored folks, is it? Porn is educational, stimulating and just downright good healthy family entertainment. Don’t just take my word for it, according to “Pop Up Video” on VH1, Americans spent more money last year on porn than they did on rock ‘n’ roll and country music combined!
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Dr. Coldfinger <metal_head_69@hotmail.com>, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It is totally true. My boyfriend thinks porn is wrong. He feels that it can only serve to “lower” the performer. Personally, I feel that if the actor is doing it of his/her own will and being compensated fairly, there isn’t anything wrong with it.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Jon, 22, white gay male <ruffles74@hotmail.com>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Yes, but I don’t think “appealing” is the right word. I have been taught all my life that since I am a man, I must be compulsively interested in anything related to sex at all times. Even what I find “sexy” and what I don’t has been beaten into me, often through humilitation and such. It makes it hard to learn for myself what actually turns me on and how to think well about it, and actually be able to tell I am in control over my response to things sexual. Pornography that is offensive is of course just that, but as long as this sexual compulsion is there, it tells me, “Ignore the way you are offended and just pay attention to this feeling you are getting from it.” When that happens, it makes me feel isolated from other people and from my own emotions, in the same way someone taking drugs or zoning out to TV might. For those reasons, I try to always avoid pornography.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
Barry, 29, straight male <bjoseph@radicalmedia.com>, New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Yes, it is true.
POSTED OCT. 19, 1998
John K., straight Irish-American male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I find straight porn offensive because it is poorly done and the women do not seem to be enjoying themselves, nor do the men, really. Gay porn is different. The issues of sexism do not apply and I don’t find myself feeling sorry for those involved. Something about straight porn disgusts me and leaves me feeling degraded. Porn is a good tool for learning new things and taking pleasure in the experiences of others. However, it must be done well, and those involved must be happy with what they are doing.
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
Ryan H., 23, gay male <ryanhy@tbaytel.net>, Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada
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THE QUESTION:
GE83: Why is it that women universally want their husbands to be faithful? Isn’t lifetime monogamy too heavy a burden on anyone, including women.? What’s wrong with a little fooling around as long as the other person doesn’t know, and everyone takes care of their responsibilities?
POSTED OCT. 10, 1998
V.V., 40, female <VIJAY@DAUPHINE.FR>, Paris, France

ANSWER 1:
Your assertion that all women want their husbands to be faithful is a fairly accurate generality, but not a universal truth. A lot depends on a person’s views about marriage, love, honesty and sex. For people who view marriage as basically a political alliance or an economic living relationship and sex as separate from love, lifelong monogamy may not be a marital expectation for either party, particularly with arranged marriages. However, “as long as the other person doesn’t know” implies concealment of extramarital sexual liasons from a partner who expects faithfulness, something I would consider dishonest and probably detrimental to a relationship.

For most women like myself, however, sexual intimacy is used to express our love for our partner. Within a marriage or committed relationship, sex is a sacred sharing of our innermost being with our chosen lifemate. Although at times playful and lighthearted, sex is not viewed as “just fooling around” or something fun to do if you’re bored. Making love does exactly that – it creates bonds of love and intimacy. An extramarital affair is a betrayal of trust that may never be regained. It indicates lack of respect for my feelings and lack of committment to the relationship. While I respect the right of each couple to mutually decide for themselves whether or not to be monogamous, this should definitely be a joint decision before marriage or making a committment. I for one would never agree to an “open” marriage and would have difficulty considering such an arrangement much of a relationship.
POSTED OCT. 12, 1998
DykeOnByke, formerly married lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
A faithful relationship has one primary factor: Trust. It is the one facet that allows two people to completely be themselves around their partner. Fooling around, whether the partner knows about it or not, makes the trust a non-factor and changes the relationship. My wife of 16 years trusts me not to wander. Her trust in me is a huge boost to my self-esteem and makes me a better woman and human being. Thats’ not to say I am not tempted; it does mean I choose not to engage in that behavior. And yes, there have been times when it has been difficult not to. But it would break her heart and mine if I did so, and that is a side-effect I could not endure. For those who have an “open relationship”: To each their own. However, if there is not a pre-agreed arrangement and one does wander, you have altered the base your relationship rests on.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Alma, 45, old-fashioned lesbian <pridewks@centraltx.net>, Kempner, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Doing anything (with the exception of surprise parties and gifts) behind someone’s back shows you have something to hide and implies a lack of respect for that person, whether it be a spouse, relative or friend. This is especially true if you take great pains to ensure they do not know of your actions. This implies you know that person would be hurt or offended if they found out, and why would you consciously do something you know would hurt those close to you? I respect my friends and family, and I respect my wife even more. I would not do anything I thought might hurt her or humiliate her. That’s what is wrong with fooling around. As for a lifetime of monogamy – with my wife, I consider it an honor.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Stephen S., 31, happily married <SAScheidt@aol.com>, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I don’t think it’s only women who desire lifetime monogamy. Most men have a difficult time imagining the person they love with another man. While lifetime monogamy can be trying at times, it also has some practical benefits. You mentioned each person taking care of their responsibilities, and that’s important. But there’s always the chance of pregnancy in sexual relationships, and things can get kind of complicated when one partner or the other has children with other people. In addition, it does require a certain degree of time and energy to maintain an extramarital relationship, mistresses and spouses grow jealous of one another, and each feels deprived of important time, or worse. It’s just simpler to stay with one person.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
D.M.M., white single female <millerdo@cofc.edu>, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’m a currently married woman who does not ask my husband to be monogamous (indeed, we both have other lovers). I do, however, ask him to be honest, and faithful to those agreements that we have made. Having sex with another woman is fine; not discussing it with me (among other things) is not. When friends explain to me why monogamy is so important to them, it seems that it often comes down to cultural definitions of love and marriage. A spouse who cheats does not by these definitions love you – at least, I guess, not enough. A marriage that includes adultery is not a good, stable or trustworthy marriage. Non-monogamy cuts too deeply into their definitions of security to be considered.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Catherine, 25, bisexual female <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I stick to my position after having heard all these answers, and despite of (or because of) the troubles of Bill Clinton. People seem to mention simplicity, practicality, etc., and I also notice a preponderence of answers from lesbians, who I feel are known to be jealously monogamous. But just think about it: When you sleep with someone, you’re not humiliating the other person, as the only male respondent seemed to say. Your body is the only thing that is absolutely your own, and if you want to “lease” it permanently to someone else of your own volition, all power to you. But suppose you’re not willing to accept this hypothesis. Why does non-consequential sex with someone else necessarily humiliate the other person? Why do they have a right to be jealous? Why do women get all outraged by a simple (albeit repeated) act of sexual infidelity and forgive a deep, platonic friendship their husband may have with someone of the opposite sex?
POSTED OCT. 17, 1998
V.V., straight married female <VIJAY@DAUPHINE.FR>, Paris, France

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I suggest that marital fidelity is an item that must be discussed and agreed upon by both partners. However, whatever the decision, the impact of marital infidelity upon the offspring produced by the relationship must be assessed. My observations reveal perhaps nothing else has more of a negative impact upon the well-being and sense of security for a child than to have one or more parents demonstrate a perceived lessening of affection toward his or her partner. Children operate in a concrete world that does not allow for such an upheaval without consequences
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
40’s male <reader20@hotmail.com>, San Antonio , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Casual sex with a third party does not necessarily humiliate a person’s spouse. Depending on their view of sex and marriage, the spouse could be aroused and intrigued, relieved of a burden, totally uncaring one way or the other, mildly disappointed, heartbroken or murderously jealous. But whatever a spouse’s emotional response, it is real and they are entitled to their feelings. For a relationship to work, whether monogamous or not, both partners need to respect each other’s views and feelings, whether or not they agree with them. A couple should be wise enough to discern each other’s views on such an important subject before marriage. Two monogamous people or two mutually agreeable non-monogamous people may pair well together. I know a non-monogamous couple who have been together 20 years and are quite happy together. But a monogamous spouse with a non-monogamous partner is likely to lead to considerable marital conflicts, with one partner feeling rejected and the other feeling stifled, not exactly a recipe for a fullfilling marriage. Sounds to me as though you are asking readers to respect a person’s right to be non-monogamous by deceiving a monogamous spouse, and then can’t accept their responses if they disagree.

By the way, I am not a jealous woman and would not find anything to forgive in a husband having a deep, platonic friendship with a woman. Marriage vows generally entail forsaking extramarital sexual relations, not friendships.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
DykeOnByke, 48, monogamous <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
What’s wrong with messing around as long as the other person doesn’t know? 1. It’s disrespectful. 2. It usually hurts the other person. (It certainly would me!) 3. You’re putting your significant other’s life in jeopardy. AIDS is no joke. Using protection doesn’t guarantee anything; it just alters the odds of contracting a disease. If you want to sleep around, stay single. The alternative is finding a man who will be willing to swing with you.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Dr. Coldfinger <metal_head_69@hotmail.com>, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
As a happily married man, I feel trust, love and honesty are the three most important parts of any relationship. My wife and I both had extramarital affairs after promising to be faithful to each other. It has hurt us both. But through a lot of work and patience, we have regained each other’s trust. Both of our affairs were caused by dishonesty. We learned before it was too late how much honesty and trust go hand-in-hand. Without one, you can’t have the other. If you both agree to be faithful, then stay that way and be open about your feelings. It will save a lot of time and trouble in the future.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Mark T., married 12 years <alwaysclean@advnet.net>, Port Huron, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
To V.V.: Jealously monogamous? Wow, that sounds like a lot of anger talking. The humiliation takes place not by the act of sex, but by not being honest about it. What you may not realize is that when you lie (which you will eventually have to do), it affects both you and your partner. It initiates a lack of respect of both you and your spouse for the deception to take place. Hence starts the domino game. The lie, or hiding the truth, becomes harder and harder to keep going. Deception takes a lot of work and involves additional deceptions to keep the picture pretty. It may take several years, but the cards will fall. When that happens, one loses not just the respect and trust of the spouse, but a big piece of their own dignity. And I agree with the gentleman who is honored to be monogamous to his spouse. Honor runs both ways.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Alma, still faithful (and damn proud of it) lesbian <pridewks@centraltx.net>, Kempner, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
To V.V.: While two lesbian respondents out of five may be disproportional, it’s hardly a preponderence. Your stereotype of lesbians as “known to be jealously monogamous” is a new one for me; I’ve always thought that if anything, straight women were more likely to be jealous. However, while I disagree with your stereotyping of lesbians on this issue, I agree that having sex with someone other than your spouse doesn’t have to be a bad thing. My (female) partner and I have been together eight years and have been non-monogamous throughout that time. It has increased rather than decreased the trust, intimacy and stability of our relationship. I do not understand the assumption that having sex with other people means we’re not “having a real relationship” – the way I see it, sex is not the most important part of our mariage, love and commitment are. Having sex outside your marriage when you’ve agreed not to, however, is clearly a violation of trust and damaging to the marriage, just as any other broken promise would be.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
Selena, non-straight female, Berkeley, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
To V.V.: Why would you marry someone if you wish to still “fool around”? Is this kind of behavior widespread in France?
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
JBW, black female, 33, Capitol Heights, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
In an age when there are so many sexual diseases, AIDS, clamydia, syphilis and many others, the only way to avoid catching these diseases is to share your body with someone else who has never slept around. Monogamy is the healthiest option around, medically speaking. Your enjoyment is with one person, and there is no risk. There are no emotional hurts, either.
POSTED OCT. 24, 1998
J. Urban, 45 <draugas@mailcity.com>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
Whew! I’m really amazed at the amount of hostile responses I got. Why would you want to fool around? I think the answer is clear: You get married, maybe to the wrong person. You have kids together. You build a nest egg, but it doesn’t fly sexually. You try to get your sex elsewhere. To put it crudely (and it’s a little more complicated than that), you wouldn’t spend the rest of your life eating home-cooked meals but would also like to eat out at restaurants, from time to time. Why is sex any different? Why is it that if you’re sexually incompatible with someone, that you have to put the kids through the heartache of divorce, rather than finding the pragmatic solution? There seem to be a lot of sexual Ayatollahs out there!
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
V.V., married female and fooling around <VIJAYàDAUPHINE.FR>, Paris, France
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THE QUESTION:
GE82: What is the appropriate age to stop breast-feeding? I know a woman who is still breast-feeding her seven-year-old daughter, and they take baths together and sometimes breastfeed in the tub. Is this questionable behavior bordering on sexual abuse, or is it OK? Why do women who breastfeed for many years continue to do it?
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jessica N., 26, white female <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY, NY

ANSWER 1:
I have a relative who breastfed her child until he was about five or six. My mother and I had a discussion about it at the time, and she felt that it was a very selfish thing to do. It does seem unnatural to breastfeed a child for so long in our culture, though it used to be quite normal. The average in modern hunter/gatherer societies is apparently four years. It acts as a contraceptive in most women and so provided a healthy four-year gap between children (a four-year-old child can walk, and so the mother wouldn’t have to carry more than one child at a time). I realize there is a lot of difference between a seven- and a four-year-old, but I think the problem lies with the way in which the female breast is considered by our culture, not in the actual act itself. In some cultures, women past child-bearing age breastfeed pigs to provide pork for their families. This is an idea gross to me, but it just depends on cultural backgrounds. Having said all that, if she is hoping her child will fit in with the modern Western society she might be doing the wrong thing, but I don’t think it is in any way abusive.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
K.S., London, UK

FURTHER NOTICE:
I have no academic basis for responding to the specific questions, but I’ll offer my opinion. I feel that no later than one or two years old is the latest that would normally be appropriate. As far as your acquaintance is concerned, I think she and her daughter should seek professional help. While I would not consider it “abuse” exactly, I do feel the mother is impeding her daughter’s social development.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Lazarus, 45, white male <lazarus99@usa.net>, Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In many Third World countries women breastfeed children up to 3-5 years of age. There are two primary reasons for this. The first is a cheap form of birth control. Although women can and do conceive while nursing, the pregnancy rate among these women is considerably lower. (I cannot remember the exact number, but it is at least a 30 percent difference) The second reason is that they have very little else to feed these children. Considering a young child’s nutritional needs and the availablility of both food and birth control in the United States, it would be considered perfectly normal and healthy to breastfeed only up to age three. At that age, a child is seeking independance from the mother and will normally wean himself or herself. I doubt that your friend’s actions can be construed as sexual abuse, but I do believe there is a psychological problem here that should be addressed with a professional. When a woman has a baby, there are many mental and emotional changes that happen to her. Love, protectiveness, the feeling of being needed. “This child needs what I have/am and only I have/am what this child needs.” This is a natural part of the bonding process. This woman seems to be taking it a bit too far, becoming addicted to the feeling of being needed. I think it would be fair to compare it to a “God Complex” where she is substituting the “Fruit of the Tree of Life” with her milk. The cure may be as simple as finding some other activity she feels has equal value or as complicated as years of therapy. If you do not feel comfortable broaching the subject with her, perhaps you can contact one of the woman’s family members, friends or spiritual leaders who can help.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Gloria M. <LoriaLee@hotmail.com>, Warren, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I once heard from a doctor that age three is the best age to stop breastfeeding a child. However, as with everything there are exceptions. Breastfeeding a seven-year-old seems very odd and on the verge of sexual abuse in today’s society, but if both mother and daughter are comfortable with this situation I don’t see that it should matter. One would think that the daughter will soon want to stop this behavior because she will discover that it is something usually reserved for babies, and she will have a desire to “be a big girl.” I’m sure that culture plays a major role in the breastfeeding habits of women around the globe also.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
K.J., 21, white, Lesbian <JoyGirl77@aol.com>, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As soon as the child is old enough to drink out of a cup. (Age 1-2). Your friend who is still nursing her seven-year-old can be liable for child abuse.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Cynthia, 19, female <petitecosette@yahoo.com>, Kingston, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have heard of some cultures in which children are breastfed until they’re three, but the situation you describe makes one feel decidedly uneasy. I don’t know to whom one would make a discrete inquiry about this – a child-abuse hot line?
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Al, 59 <alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky Mount, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The appropriate timespan for breastfeeding varies from culture to culture (in some as long as four, with the average being closer to two). To my knowledge, the time period is relatively shorter here in the states (anywhere from 6 weeks to two, typically less than a year). I nursed both my daughters, the first for approximately 8 months (I stopped so I could use birth control pills) and my second for 2 1/2 years. I was often criticized or questioned why I nursed her as long as I did. Luckily, in my thirties, I felt less compelled to justify my actions. I find it interesting that so many people are concerned, even disturbed, with this form of nuturing and loving our children while our society perpetuates a never-ceasing stream of otherwise sexual stimulation in our culture. The breasts serve other purposes beyond sexual pleasure. Your question mirrors inquiries I’ve encountered before, and the underlying implication is that there is something wrong with nursing a child. Ganted, seven is even a bit too old for me. I stopped nursing my youngest because I was beginning to tire of my toddler grabbing at my clothing and then feeling guilty when I had to tell her “not now.” During a child’s toddler years there are other ways to comfort a child without creating trauma from the separation from the breast. I am a strong advocate of breastfeeding, and I believe that if we were more aware of the emotional and psychological benefits as well as the health benefits to both mother and child, we might be more apt to encourage this practice than to frown at it. Question to you: Does this act disturb you somehow? If so, why?
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Zawadi, black female, 33, Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GE81: What’s the deal with men and cars? Why do some men become so easily enraged about bad drivers, women drivers or driving in general? Why do some men get angry and critical when they are in a car with a female driver?
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
J.N., 26, female <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY, NY
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