Gender Questions 101-110

THE QUESTION:
GE110: Why do guys act differently toward girls once they reach around age 19? Is it because they are scared of commitment?
POSTED JAN. 19, 1999
Laura R., 21, female <laja32778@aol>, Indianapolis , IN

ANSWER 1:
I think it must be the individuals you’re meeting, because I’ve had the opposite experience. In my opinion, guys reach a certain point of maturity at around age 19. Also, anyone (male or female) can be reluctant to commit. No one wants to be pressured to commit to another person.
POSTED JAN. 20, 1999
S.R., white female, 20, Austin , TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE109: Why are men so uninterested in marriage while women can’t wait? Society teaches girls to dream of marrying Prince Charming, but boys grow up watching Cinderella, too. How can we be so different?
POSTED JAN. 19, 1999
Jen C., 21, white, female, student <dream_hot@hotmail.com>, Philadelphia, PA

ANSWER 1:
For men, it’s a tough game of cards. If we lose, we lose everything, including our home, children, half our income and possibly a family-owned business. We men have to be careful in the mate we choose.
POSTED JAN. 27, 1999
Christopher D., 22, male <alphacentuari@mindspring.com>, Arlington, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE108: To women: What are your opinions on the distinctions between (amorous or otherwise) “submission” and “surrender”?
POSTED JAN. 18, 1999
Alonzo C., African-American male, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
“Submission” delineates a state of mind particularly sought after and cultivated. In other terms it might be thought of as a mental state. “Surrender” is usually a physical act and/or is evidenced by the act of surrendering.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A, 22, white female. <Arissssss@AOL.com>, Alameda, Bay Area, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Although these words are often used interchangeably, I think the distinction relates to whether the person who is yielding to another does so by choice. To me, surrender implies yielding to someone else because that person has demanded that you do so or because you are compulsively inclined to do so. Submission, on the other hand, implies you are yielding to the other person because you are humble or compliant; perhaps you are willing to submit to someone’s authority because you have a tremendous amount of respect for them. I guess, ultimately, the difference in my mind is that I would submit to the authority of someone I respect, but I would not want to surrender to anyone.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Hope, white female, 30, Winston Salem, NC
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THE QUESTION:
GE107: For the ladies: Why does it seem women want to “change” a guy? This is based on my 10 years of dating and finding only two girls who accepted me totally.
POSTED JAN. 14, 1999
D., 25, male, MI

ANSWER 1:
For millions of years, in order to continue the human race, women were stuck for at least four years in one place, dependent on someone else to help keep them alive and help raise the kid(s). Usually at least 10 years were required. It might make women more likely to be very, very picky about choosing a mate.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A., 21, white/Hispanic female <Arissssss@AOL.com>, Alameda, Bay Area , CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE106: Why is it that modern feminists, although preaching equality, seem to be stuck in the ’60s? To me, they seem to discriminate against women with more conservative views.
POSTED JAN. 14, 1999
C.C., 19, female, Kingston, Ontario, Canada

ANSWER 1:
I imagine you’ve come across a few “more leftist than thou” feminists, who annoy me. But the notion that most feminists are closed-minded or dogmatic is a stereotype – just like the stereotype that feminists are unattractive. Talk to some feminists, and you’ll find that we have different definitions of the term and understand that feminism means different things to different people. To me, feminism is an awareness that women’s everyday struggles in relationships, with their body images, with trying to make a living and support families, with fighting against detrimental sex roles, are not just personal struggles but political struggles that affect many women. It’s about recognizing that there is a patriarchal power structure and doing what we can to change it. In other words, to quote the classic feminist motto, the personal is political. But I understand and respect that other women will make different choices than me as they negotiate the political with their own personal situations.
POSTED JAN. 18, 1999
Rhiannon, 28, white heterosexual feminist <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis, MN
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THE QUESTION:
GE105: Why don’t women have the same sexual urges as men? What prompts my question is that you don’t ever see male prostitutes soliciting and engaging female “clients,” but the opposite (female prostitutes soliciting male “clients”) is evident in virtually every major city in the United States.
POSTED JAN. 11, 1999
Michael M., male <mikmyfield@aol.com>, Bel Air, MD

ANSWER 1:
Sex drive varies from individual to individual, but a major difference between men and women is the way their brains and bodies are wired for sex. Women have wombs. Women can get pregnant and are more protective of their bodies because they have more at stake. Men cannot get pregnant and have little to lose in a sexual encounter. (Diseases exist, yes, but I’m speaking in terms of biological instinct.) Biologically, men aren’t made for monogamy, and their instinct is to sustain (the population of) mankind by reproducing. By the way, male prostitution (while not as common) does exist – I have a male friend who used to work for an “escort service.” And women have plenty of sexual urges! The ancient Greeks warned their men that women would drain them of all of their sexual energy.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
S.R., white female, 20,.Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Biology is not destiny, but it does explain many human behaviors. Most male mammals are quite promiscuous. They instinctively seek to impregnate as many females as possible. Female mammals, on the other hand, have a much greater stake in the reproductive process than males – they’re the ones who have to go through months of gestation and months or years of raising the young. Therefore, females of most animal species are much more selective about their sexual partners. Now, since human babies are born helpless and take much longer to reach maturity than most other baby animals, a human female must be especially choosy – she wants a mate who will take care of her and her children. Nowadays, of course, women earn their own money, and because of birth control, don’t have to be as hesitant about engaging in sex as they used to. So, in the distant future, it’s possible women will be as promiscuous as men. But it’s unlikely. Our instinctive, animal urges don’t change that quickly.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Astorian, 37, male, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
First, there are such things as male prostitutes. Second, most women become prostitutes not to please sexual urges of a man but due to poverty. It’s either have sex for money, or starve. On a global level, girls are often sold into prostitution so families can afford to live. Third, women have sexual urges just like men, yet choose to express their urges differently. Women have to worry about pregnancy, rape or getting beaten up, things that as males you would have no concept of because it is a privilege you are born with and therefore always overlook. Not exactly men’s faults, but nonetheless the reality of the differences between men and women and their sexual choices. Therefore, many women feel safer having sex with men they know and are comfortable with. Prostitutes, on the other hand, have probably been so degraded, either by sexual or other forms of physical abuse at a young age, that they don’t care about themselves enough to get out of the business, nor can they envision a bright, prosperous future for them or their children.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Sarah, 28, female

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’d wager that most female prostitutes aren’t in their profession because of their “sexual urges,” but because it’s the only way they know to make money fast without starting at the bottom, going to school, etc. If there weren’t so many poor women with no other options, there wouldn’t be so many prostitutes.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Wendy, 24, female, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I don’t believe women in general have a lower sexual desire than men. (Of course there are exceptions on both sides.) The difference is, I think, one of conditions necessary for sexual desire to arise. Most women don’t “turn on/turn off” like a light-switch, the way many men seem to. Most women need emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. Love, trust, commitment – all these things are often prerequisites for having sex, because for most women sex and love are not easily dissociable. I don’t think very many women see the attraction in paying a stranger to have sex.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
C.P., female, 21, Montreal, Quebec, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The classic answer is that women view sex in the context of long-term relationships (securing a father/husband to raise a child). The extent to which this reaction is biological or societal has been debated by scholars for several decades. Women have been socialized to view sex as more dangerous for women than men (think rape or unwanted pregnancy). Also, young girls are taught to suppress the recognition and acknowledgement of sexual urges. Boys are taught that this is a normal part of growing up. Look at how many coming-of-age movies about boys center on the loss of virginity as a positive experience. How many movies about girls show the loss of virginity without a self-destructive end or social stigmatization?
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Stacee, 30, female, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I’m paraphrasing Dr. Ruth here (from Sex for Dummies): Men and women generally (this is a broad generalization) have different feelings toward sex. Men have an easier time separating love/romance from sex. That is why it is easier for men to have a “quickie” with a prostitute. There are gigilos out there, but they usually have long-running relationships with their clients that involve more than sex. The service-providers are just catering to their clients like any other business. Gigilos most likely don’t have to solicit their services in the same way. Again, this is a generalization. There are plenty of exceptions.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
White, 25, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
For a species to survive, you need a lot of creatures to reach the age of being able to reproduce. While both genders of our species clearly have a sex drive, men are more instinctually driven to “spread seed” to create infants, and women are more instinctively driven to nurture infants through to an age where they are self-sufficient, and as a corollary to find a mate who can be a provider for children. These instinctive roles obviously can fly in the face of modern concepts of morality and gender equity.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
B. Hale, monogamous <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I do not know one way or the other whether women have less sexual desires than men. I do, however, believe the reasons behind your observations lie not in the disparity of sexual drives but the “morality” differences imposed in our society.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Michael, 28, white male <Mjick@aol.com>, Southfield , MI

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I find the responses of the women to this honest question mind-boggling. Every one of them brings up biology, child-rearing, finances, so-called emotional ties, and so on. Surely 20 years into the feminist movement, when a lot of strides have been made by men to help in child-rearing, women can once and for all liberate their sexual desires from the “accessories” of child-rearing, financial security, etc., and go get sex just like men. but no, we just sing the same old tune and then are surprised when men act in the same old way! i submit that we need to liberate our heads about sex, and not just decide to have good careers, earn good money, etc.(all of which i heartily agree with). as a matter of fact, nothing has changed in the relation between men and women, and nothing ever will.
POSTED JAN. 15, 1999
V.V., married female <VIJAY@DAUPHINE.FR>, Paris, France
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THE QUESTION:
GE104: I’ve worked in several offices and have noticed that women are noisier than men. Throughout the day, the sound of women bursting into laughter is heard over the background noise. I don’t hear guys doing this. Why is this?
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
Alan, 43, male <davey@spiritone.com>, Portland, OR

ANSWER 1
Just because those particular women are expressive does not put them into the category of being noisy. Maybe you should ask them and see what type of response you get.
POSTED JAN. 5, 1999
Female, black, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE:
To Female: Actually, it has been proven that women are nosier and gossip more. Although, I do know plenty of men who exceed any woman I know when it comes to gossiping. I think it goes back to the fact that woman are more open with their friends and therefore talk about personal issues with each other more easily. This leads to wanting to know more about people, and telling people what they know. Men are too masculine and tough to talk about their personal problems with other men.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Leanne, 19, white female <haylie79@hotmail.com>, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Maybe one of the reasons you hear women more than men is that usually our voices are higher-pitched. Also, as another person put it, men aren’t usually sitting around talking about their personal lives. And yes, men do gossip – they just refuse to call it that. What is the fascination men have for sports? Isn’t it interesting that most male sports have balls in them?
POSTED MARCH 9, 1999
Sue <baskthed@flash.net>, Fort Worth , Tx
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THE QUESTION:
GE103: My body seems asymmetrical: One of my breasts is larger than the other, and one of my hips is more pronounced than the other. I would like to know how men feel about this.
POSTED DEC. 30, 1998
T.L., white female, 21, San Antonio , TX

ANSWER 1:
That you say your body “seems asymmetrical” would indicate that the differences are not major and are probably within normal limits. Actually, normal breasts can be quite asymmetrical. This is less true for weight-bearing structures like the hips, though even here no one is perfectly symmetrical. You should focus on staying fit through proper diet and exercise and avoiding smoking, drugs and alcohol abuse. In addition, cultivate good points such as your inquiring mind, and don’t be concerned about how symmetrical your body is. Any man who is put off by this is not worth your time. Most will not be.
POSTED JAN. 5, 1999
M.D. male 60, Cliffside Park, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE:
Everyone’s body is a bit asymmetrical. Nearly all women have one breast slightly larger than the other. With men this is also true. To put it gently, “one hangs lower than the other.” Relax and don’t worry. It probably seems more pronounced because you’re concerned about it. I’ll bet no one else thinks this about you.
POSTED JAN. 26, 1999
F.B., 34, straight white male <lugh77@yahoo.com>, Dallas , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In my opinion, women have much more problems with their own bodies than men have with them. For example, I dated girls who were very worried about being too fat or too thin, and I didn’t even recognize it. I speak only for myself, but I think these little differences make people sometimes more attractive because they make them unique. And erotically seen, such things could be more exciting than an average body.
POSTED FEB. 4, 1999
Phil, 19, male, Germany <pmal42@gmx.net>
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THE QUESTION:
GE102: What are people’s opinions of unmarried women? What is your reaction to a woman telling you she is unmarried, but a mother? What about unmarried and childless? Does that opinion change based on age? At what age is it still OK to be unmarried and female? What about a man in the same spot? If you were to meet a man who is 35 and unmarried, would you assume there was something wrong with him?
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Apryl P., black female <apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak Park, MI

ANSWER 1:
As a never-married, 28-year-old heterosexual woman, I do feel like there is something wrong with me. I have gone through the “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” phase with all of my friends, and now I’m going through Phase 2: Throwing baby showers for all of my expectant friends. I realize people are getting married at a later age these days, but I feel like once I hit 30, I’ve blown any chance at all of ever getting married. Regarding single men of my age and older, I admit that my first question is “what’s wrong with him?” But the reason for that is reflected in my above statement that something is wrong with me for still being single. As far as single mothers are concerned, I see nothing wrong with that. One-parent families are sometimes the best thing for the child.
POSTED DEC. 16, 1998
J.P.J., 28, female, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t know about other guys my age (25), but I feel as if something is wrong with me (being single at my age, that is). Listening to and hearing about my college classmates’ engagement and/or birth announcements often drives me into deep depressions. The depressing thing is some of my classmates are younger than I. I feel as if something is missing in my life. All I can say is you aren’t walking alone.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
Vincent B., 25, single black male <flame73@iols.net>, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I grew up in a family with two never-married aunts, so for me, for a woman to not marry is a perfectly valid and reasonable choice. Both of them have full lives, with many friends and jobs they enjoy, and they have been wonderful role models for me and my younger sister. As a result, I’ve always felt there can be (and are) as many reasons for a woman not to be married as there are unmarried women. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything “wrong” with them. It’s probably better not to marry at all than to marry the wrong person (which holds true for both men and women, in my opinion).
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
Margaret E. female, Minneapolis , MN

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As another 28-year-old, never-married heterosexual white female, I am starting down that path of wondering what I think about me. As the first respondent noted, my reaction to the thirtyish never-married date prospect is to be a bit wary and put off by his lack of marital history, so I assume his reaction to me is similar. I don’t know – do you want the 35-year-old with an ugly divorce behind him, or the one who’s never been down the aisle? The prevailing, extremely personal questions are why are they single, why are they divorced and where are they at mentally? It depends on the person. Lately I have entertained the thought of raising a child alone if I don’t meet that marrying man in the next few years. I don’t know, I’m just trying to live it one day at a time.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
K.R., 28, single white female, Birmingham, AL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As a divorced, now single, 44-year-old female, I run into a lot of bizarre situations. I have a non-traditional job for a female in an industry that is predominantly male-oriented. Some insecure, married women seem to find me threatening, or at least they treat me with suspicion. Often I find that married men “hit” on me. It is disturbing because my old tapes say “What is wrong with me? What messages am I inadvertently sending?” One married male friend and I were talking about one uncomfortable incident that I experienced. He jokingly informed me that men look at a single female my age and assume she “needs her ashes hauled.” Yikes. I don’t stand a chance!
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
J.W., white, 44, female <CP1028@AOL.com>, Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
J.P.J.: I’m another 28-year-old unmarried straight woman, and sweetheart, let me tell you that the only thing wrong with you is that you have internalized bulls**t societal norms! There is nothing wrong with being 28 and unmarried. There’s nothing wrong with being 48 and unmarried. There is something wrong with women getting married to abusive, patriarchal or simply incompatible men because they are afraid to be alone, which is where you may wind up. In a society that teaches women in all kinds of subtle and not-so-subtle ways that we have little value if a man doesn’t love us, being alone is being a rebel. Embrace your rebel status, and be grateful you’re not in a lousy marriage. If and when a great man comes along, you’ll know you held out for what you deserve.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
Rhiannon, 28, single feminist babe <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I am a single woman and plan to remain that way. While I am only 24 and may of course change my mind later, I am beginning to watch my friends get married off. It has been very hard to see my friends, both male and female, who once had big ideas and goals for themselves, compromise their values and dreams in the interest of staying together and getting married. Or to observe them choosing men who are not necessarily good for them out of fear of being left behind in the marriage game.

Much like the first respondent, many women feel like there is something wrong with them if they don’t wed; marriage has evolved into some bizarre ritual of validation for women. Honestly, I regard single women with a bit more respect than married women. Ask yourself honestly, after 20 years of marriage, how many truly happy and “in love” couples do you know? Not many. Marriages are characterized by power struggles, abuse, coldness and dishonesty. I’m not being cynical; if you study family and culture, you will see that these characteristics are the norm and not the exception. In light of that, I seriously do not comprehend the emphasis that our culture still places on marriage. I am involved in a very loving, respectful, understanding relationship, and yet all anyone wants to ask me is, “When are you two going to tie the knot?” Why does that matter? I’m not anti- marriage, but I certainly appreciate a woman who appreciates how very optional married living is, and is able to first find fulfillment within herself – something all too many women don’t learn to do until after the divorce.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
D.M.M., female <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston , SC

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
To J.P.J.: Come on, woman! I know it’s hard to be perceived as the “odd woman out” and feel like others are looking down at you, but if anyone is going to change their perception, it’s got to be you. Be happy with who you are. Develop your skills and hobbies. Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t be fooled into thinking thatany man is better than no man. I’m pushing 30 myself, and although I’m married, there are many other areas of my life yet to be explored. It ain’t over till it’s over. How many 40- or 50-year-olds do you know who are on their second or third marriage (and have yet to really find their soul mate)? Maybe you’re just skipping over the naive, impulsive first marriage and heading straight for the more fulfilling second marriage! Don’t give up.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
28-year-old white female, New York , NY

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
It’s perfectly fine to not marry, no matter your age. However, call me old-fashioned or judgmental, but I judge never-married mothers as either selfish, foolish or the victims of assault.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
Anne, female, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I am 44 and happily single. I don’t have to answer to anyone. If I want to spend three hours in the tub with a good book, I can. I can hop in the car anytime and go anywhere I want. There are times I wish I had someone to share things with, although I don’t think I’d live with her. I had surgery a year ago, and it was kind of lonely without someone there to hold my hand. And almost all social situations are couples-related. Even in the gay world, I’d welcome a girlfriend, but again, I don’t think I’d move in with her. After all, if we had a fight, I could tell her to go home.
POSTED FEB. 5, 1999
Crazy cat lady, Fort Worth, Tx

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I feel that unmarried people in their 30s (which includes myself) are those who just haven’t found Mr or Ms. Right yet, and aren’t willing to marry just because society thinks they should. I’ve dated some wonderful women, but none who were right for me (or vice versa). That said, it makes me a bit nervous to hear that women look at single men in my age bracket as somehow “defective.” I think of myself as unladen with baggage from a hasty marriage, with more maturity and life experience than when I was 23 or 24, but it looks like some women don’t see it that way, even those in the same boat. I hope these answers aren’t representative of the singles population as a whole.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
F.B., 30-something single male <lugh77@yahoo.com>, Dallas , TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE101: Why do women voluntarily wear high heels? Once you try them on and see that they hurt, why continue? I see them as unnatural torture devices. As a man, I want a woman walking at my side during my twilight years, and not lamed or worse by high heels.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Joe N., 44 <nievesj@mindspring.com>, Bronx, NY

ANSWER 1:
Fashion, fashion, fashion. Women learn in subtle and not so subtle ways to put looks (and by extension getting a man) ahead of comfort. Look in any woman’s magazine. But more and more women are catching on that wearing heels is just plain crazy. In fact, I hadn’t seen women in heels for several years until I moved to Connecticut and started hanging out in New York City. Ick.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Kathy, 34, Danbury , CT

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’m basically with you on this one (being someone who wears running shoes pretty much everywhere), but I think I can understand some of the pressures to wear them. By modern standards, and modern fashion, they make you look good. Most people are willing to bear a little discomfort in order to look good; how much varies with the individual. Women are acculturated that the single-largest indicator of our personal worth is our appearance. (And even to those of us who don’t buy it, this can be pretty insidious.) And most of us think we’re ugly, which makes us even more likely to go to unusual lengths to feel attractive. They are also a part of professional dress, which means that for certain jobs they are part of the required (or de facto required) uniform.
POSTED DEC. 4 ,1998
Catherine H., 25, professional computer geek <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Some women wear them because they are unmarried, unattractive and/or overweight and don’t want anyone to think they are gay. Don’t laugh. I lived in a small town. Makeup and high heels every day, without exception, kept rumors at bay.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
Anne, female, North, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As someone who has been through phases of 1) always wearing uncomfortable professional shoes; 2.) swearing off uncomfortable shoes completely, and now 3) wearing mostly comfortable shoes and occasional high heels, I do want to point out that sometimes wearing high heels can make a woman feel sexy and fun, just as looking at women in high heels can make men feel the same way. Many kinds of fun are worth occasional discomforts. (Take rock climbing, for example. Nothing comfortable about it.)
POSTED JAN. 27, 1999
W.A., female alter@onramp.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am 45 and haven’t worn high heels in 20-plus years and will never again. I like having my feet flat on the ground. I don’t understand why women squeeze their feet into shoes that smash their toes. It’s stupid. I am a nurse and see elderly women with crippled toes, toes that are deformed and toes that cross over each other just because they had to wear high heels to feel attractive. I never see elderly men like this. That’s one good thing about nursing: You’re not expected to wear shoes that kill you. Even on my days off I wear Birkenstocks, they are so comfortable. Next time you hear a woman complain how much her feet hurt, look at her footwear. If I ever had a job that required high heels, I’d either get a doctor’s note or sue. I equate the shoe fashion dictates of what we must wear to Chinese foot-binding.
POSTED MARCH 9, 1999
Flatfoot, female <baskthed@flash.net>, Ft Worth , Tx
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