Gender Questions 51-60

THE QUESTION:
GE60: I was a topless dancer for a year and quit nearly a year ago. How and when, in a relationship, is it appropriate to reveal this? How do men feel about dating former topless dancers?
POSTED AUG. 4, 1998
J.P., 20, white college girl, San Antonio, TX

ANSWER 1:
You don’t ever have to reveal this detail about your past unless you want to. There’s no compelling reason to reveal everything about your past to a casual boyfriend. Of course, it could be dishonest to enter into some sort of commitment (i.e. marriage) without revealing such details. Other than that, it’s none of his business who you were then, as long as he likes who you are now.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Cory S., Tampa, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
Up front, before you even get serious about dating.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Female, 41 <tampa123@hotmail.com>, Dade City, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a man, I firmly believe you would be sought after because you know how to treat a man the way we like. I have many friends who are dancers and love all of them.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Luis P., Tampa, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a nudist and nudity is fine with me. But when you should bring it up is up to you. When you really get to know your man, you should be comfortable with him and he should accept you. There will be prudes, and if you find one, let him go or keep your mouth shut.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Doug J., 70 <YUGGY@juno.com>, Lutz, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To Luis: That is the type of generalization and stereotyping that has created a slew of uninformed myths and misconceptions in our society. How do you equate a woman’s ability to please a man (i.e. sexually, mentally, emotionally) with her dancing capabilities or lack thereof? Does her gyrating her crotch in his face allude to the fact that she can hold an intelligent conversation, or are you saying that it implies she is an incredible lover, when in fact she may be a virgin?
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
Daquiri, female, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Never consider a relationship serious unless you are prepared to be totally honest with your partner. You may have negative feelings about your past or how it will be perceived, but your partner may not take it as badly as you suspect. If you want a serious relationship, reveal all the parts of you that you feel are negatives. If he or she is the right person for you, they will be kind and understanding. If not, they are not the right one for you. This is a real part of you and who you are. Don’t be ashamed of that.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1999
Ron J., male <RONJACKSON@worldnet.att.net>, Chino Hills, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE59: I’d like to hear from mothers and fathers who’ve made the decision for one parent to stay at home. I’m doing some research on the influence media and society have on this decision. I’ve heard hostility, resentment and regret from women on both sides of the issue. There seems to be more support for working mothers outside the home, while mothers who decide to remain full-time parents often lack support from family, friends and other working professionals. Please give your background and ownexperiences about choices in your life, and please note the majority of time your child(ren) spend with adults, care givers, family, etc. I’d also like to hear from children about who the major influences in their life have become and why.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Anne C., 39, Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada

ANSWER 1:
Before getting married, my wife and I agreed she would stay at home. We now (after 14 years) have two children. Yes, my wife has told me it is tough to “stand alone,” staying at home when even women in our church hold women who work in higher esteem. I spend time with my children more than a lot of people. I feel it is important to have a support network, whether it be organizations like Focus on the Family or other friends who share the same values. Media of all types suggest that children can grow up on their own, but the news media point also to all the problems in our society, a lot of them because of lack of parental care and involvement. This doesn’t mean children with a stay-at-home parent are necessarily better adjusted. But they do know that they have someone at home who can help them when they need someone. Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best and other television shows are often presented as obsolete, but the next generation of children is far more important to society than an extra car, a cottage or an annual vacation to the Caribbean. Children are No. 1 in our household.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
A. Urbonas, 45 <urbonas@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am extremely frustrated with those who call my wife and I economically selfish for working. The previous respondent says that “children are No. 1 in our life” and suggests that working couples somehow prioritize vacations and cars above their children. I do not find such comments helpful or constructive, but merely tools to make them feel good about their own choices. Children are No. 1 in our household, too, but we have legitimate economic reasons for having to work. We don’t live a lavish lifestyle. Our previous home suffered a major decline in value and we could not afford to sell it; even renting, we lose hundreds of dollars a month on the mortgage. (Incidentally, we moved in part to be closer to our extended families, and took pay cuts to do so). My wife and I would love to stay home, but we can’t afford it.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Dan H., 34, father of two <dnh6n@virginia.edu>, Charlottesville, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If both parents must work because they can’t make ends meet, I think it’s time for them to examine their priorities. In my parents’ generation, families had one car or perhaps no car at all. There were no credit cards, so people had to save up for things. There was no cable TV, no color TV, no VCRs or video games. Children wore hand-me-down clothes from their older siblings, cousins or neighbors. There were no daycare expenses. Children are a lifestyle choice that people must deal with.
POSTED OCT. 10, 1998
43, white female <wordaday@england.com>, Fresno, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Growing up I didn’t have a father, only a mother who had to work to support both my grandma and I. I understand this and I’m very grateful that I always had something on my plate and something on my back, but I still wish my mother would have spent more time at home. I had some rough teen years, specially growing up in L.A. Now my husband and I have decided that we won’t have children until we can “afford” to have them. That means if we can’t afford for one of us to stay home with them, we will not bring them into this world. Some people might think this is going too far, but is not wanting to have to choose between giving your children what they need physically vs. what they need emotionally going too far? Why can’t we give them both?
POSTED OCT. 10, 1998
Aztlan, 21, Mexican female <aestra@chmc.com>, Bothell, Wa
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE58: Where did the term “strawberry” come from, as it refers to women who trade sex for drugs, especially crack? Is there a name for men who do this?
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
P.J., <civserv@yahoo.com>, San Jose, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE57: My wife and I are having communication problems in our marriage and have considered a trial separation. Has anyone had any success using this technique? What are some of the dangers involved?
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
D. Bednar, 27 <dbednar@kc.swbtcc.com>, Kansas City, MO

ANSWER 1:
I believe one of the dangers of a trial separation is that you may lose the resolve to work on the problems you have. You may be so relieved to be away from the daily burden of living with someone in a relationship that isn’t working that you don’t focus on expending the effort to make sure you try everything you can think of before calling it quits. It’s much easier (in a relative way – divorce is the pits) to walk away knowing you have tried every way you can than to have doubts later.
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Been there, Knoxville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE:
My husband and I did go through a trial separation, but we talked through it. At first, I was not making the effort to get us back together, and that came through in our discussions. He wrote a very deep emotional letter to me saying he thought I had already decided it was over, but if I could please think carefully about the decision. I did spend some time analyzing what was bothering me and comparing that to all of the good things about our marriage, and decided I wanted to work it out. We discussed our wants and desires and focused on behaviors that bothered us rather than personal attacks. I can honestly say that I believe we are happier and stronger now than ever. And, when we listen to friends talk about their relationships, we realize ours is so much better. As far as the dangers, it really depends on both of your motives. If you both really want to make it work, I think you can. However, if one has really made his/her mind up that it is over, a true effort won’t be made to make it work. That is what happened to me at first. Another option of course is to use a counselor to help with your discussions.
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
A., female, 34, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
You’ve heard the saying, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder?” It don’t hold water. I was very much in love with my wife when she chose to “have a little time away from me.” It was time that made me hurt like hell, and gave her a chance to relieve herself of any emotional involvement with me. It was like living with a cold fish for the few weeks after she returned and before the divorce was in progress. My recommendation: If you love each other, seek counseling before separation. Unless you’re incompatible, there should be a way to work things out.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Cyd E., 34, divorced straight white male, Palmdale , CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
My husband and I have had communication problems during our nine-year relationship, and if we had separated, who knows if we would have worked it out. I find proximity assists communication.
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
Kerry, 28, married bisexual female, Ventura, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE56: Why is it that in a movie you see naked women, but never see a naked man? We are all equal, aren’t we? Or is there something wrong with a man’s body and therefore should not be shown?
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Janette, 16 <lovesad@hotmail.com>

ANSWER 1:
From most of my experience, I haven’t seen much disparity in nudity in the movies. What I have seen has mainly been instances of both men and women going topless, especially in racy scenes. Of course, since women’s breasts are considered private parts in the Western world, many would consider it it to be a disparity.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Marc, male <romarti@yahoo.com>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t remember seeing “naked” women or men in movies, at least with revealing private areas. I suppose it would be more difficult to hide a male’s parts from the camera than a female’s. I guess you could go to a park or the beach; there are many topless males there. Why not females? I’d certainly rather see them topless!
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Cyd E., 34, straight white male, Palmdale, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’ve seen plenty of male butts in the movies. Harvey Keitel is naked in almost any movie he’s in.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Andrew, 34 <ziptron@hotmail.com>, Huntington, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I believe the bulk of moviegoers are men in their late teens and twenties. Hence, Hollywood chooses to cater to what they believe these men want to see: Hooters!
POSTED DEC. 30, 1998
Anne, female, Charleston, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It’s the ratings system. A woman’s bare breast can still get in under a PG-13 rating. A woman naked below the navel gets an R rating. A man naked below navel the gets an NC-17 rating. Movie studios shoot for R or less ratings because many theaters won’t carry anything above an R. Fewer theaters carrying a movie means less profit. I’m not in the movie business. I studied this same question for a sociology class.
POSTED FEB. 1, 1999
D. Baker, female, Tempe, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I once read an interview with the actor Michael Caine in which he was asked the same question. His answer was that it was because women’s bodies are more attractive to look at.
POSTED FEB. 4, 1999
Sithon, white male <sithon@hotmail.com>, MS
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE55: Are girls offended when younger boys use terms such as “girly boy” or use high-pitched, girlish voices, or other means, to make fun of a perceived unmanly boy? The practice seems to suggest an accepted inequality between the sexes.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Michael B., 18, male <Mike0879@aol.com>, East Moline, IL

ANSWER 1:
Yes, I am offended. It clearly implies that feminine traits are less desirable than typical male ones, and therefore that women are less valuable than men. I’m not a member of the military, but in the media, drill sergeants are heard to refer to boot-campers as ladies, etc. Any coincidence that you hear of gender-relation problems in the military and in military marriages? I know this sort of insulting and name-calling still goes on in paramilitary organizations, such as Fire Departments, and I do not like it, and usually counter-attack when it occurs.
POSTED NOV. 30, 1998
Ellyn, 28, white female, CT

FURTHER NOTICE:
Imitations like that have never bothered me. However, it bothers me when males say things like “you throw like a girl” because that definitely implies inferiority. I don’t know any females who are offended by light-hearted imitations, but it is easy to tell the difference between joking, chauvinism and misogyny.
POSTED DEC. 30, 1998
Stacey, 20, white female, San Antonio , TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE54: What do men think of women with full, “pouty” lips? I inherited this and as an adolescent was teased and questioned about my ethnicity, but now guys tell me it’s attractive. Do men think this is a flaw or strength?
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Julie H., 19, white female, MO

ANSWER 1:
Most American and European men have been told for so long exactly what they should find attractive that they’ve come to accept the fallacy of the Playboy bunny as the perfect woman. In past times and different countries, women’s beauty and attractiveness has been judged in many different ways; heavier women, smaller women, those with larger breasts and those with flatter chests, have all had their time and place where they were the ideal. Just look at the difference between the voluptuous women of the Renaissance and the skinny waifs of the 1920s. A lot of it has to do with guys caring so much about other people’s opinions, of the woman they hope to be with, rather than thir own. (I know several guys who privately admit preferring heavier women but would be embarrassed to be seen dating one.) As far as pouty lips go, though, I think I can assure you that they are part of what the beauty industries consider ideal at the moment.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Agrivaine <agrivaine@yahoo.com>, Dublin, Ireland

FURTHER NOTICE:
Fuller lips are accepted now because white actresses are pumping collagen into their lips to make them fuller. You were questioned about your ethnicity because blacks have fuller lips.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
ANABWI, 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Well, they’re nice and soft for kissing.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Al, 59, Rocky Mount, NC
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE53: Why do otherwise professionally dressed women (i.e. wearing a nice skirt and blouse or pants suit with matching jewelry) walk around wearing jogging shoes all day long? I seem to remember women started wearing jogging shoes during a transit strike in New York more than a decade ago, but back then, when they arrived at work, they would change into shoes appropriate for an office environment. Do women not think this is silly-looking (at least as silly as guys who walk around with suits and jogging shoes on)?
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
C. Bruce, male <cbruce@charm.net>, Baltimore, MD

ANSWER 1:
I have also noticed this trend of no longer changing into appropriate shoes when arrriving at work (or wherever you are going). I think it looks silly, but I thought the original premise was pretty silly. After all, if your shoes are not comfortable enough for you to walk to work in them, how do you make it through the whole day wearing them? But yes, I think sneakers look silly with career-wear, especially as there are so many comfortable shoes that do not.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Tara, 24, female <tarakennedy@yahoo.com>, Washington, D.C.

FURTHER NOTICE:
This is easily answered in one word: Comfort. By and large, men’s shoes are formed in the shape of an actual human foot; stylish women’s shoes are not. In ancient China, women’s feet were bound to prevent their becoming adult size; we call this barbaric. In America, society dictates that we shove a woman’s foot into a point and elevate the heel so as to throw her off balance; we call this fashion.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Karla, 43, white female, Long Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
For a lot of business women, jogging/tennis shoes are a lot more comfortable to wear. Of the business women I know, they usually wear their tennis shoes outside the office only. It’s not a matter of fashion, it’s a matter of comfort.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
M.B., 18, female, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I refuse to wear “business”-type shoes because they are insanely uncomfortable. Women’s shoes are notorious for being more about fashion than about utility or function. They are uncomfortable at best and a hazard to our health at worst. I would rather look “silly” any day than spend the majority of my waking hours in pain for the sake of fashion. Men are lucky. Their shoes are designed primarily for function, and only secondarily does fashion become an issue. I dare any man to wear women’s heels and hose for a day and then still wonder why some women refuse to be subjected to the sexist whims of the fashion industry.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Laura W., white-collar female, 36 <lauraw@cobalt.cnchost.com>, Los Angeles , CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
The simple answer is comfort. The type of shoes we professional women are expected to wear (heels/pointed toes) hurt our feet. Some women can wear heels comfortably, but many of us cannot. By the end of the day the balls of my feet hurt from having most of my weight on them rather than the whole foot, my toes hurt from being pushed in a toe box which is pointy and my lower back hurts from having my weight shifted and my balance off. When in transit I can move easier and quicker in jogging shoes. Walking or standing in heels any length of time hurts. It can also be difficult to drive in heels and is damaging to the back of the shoe. Here in Seattle, most women do change into more appropriate shoes while in the office, but if a trip to Starbucks or a restaurant is in order during the day, on go the jogging shoes. I don’t care about how silly it looks. I care about comfort and getting where I need to go quickly.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Phyllis Z., 45, female accountant <Layla53@aol.com>, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
You answered the question in your question, if you think about it: The key phrase was “walk around all day long.” Have you ever tried to walk around all day long in the shoes designers and manufacturers try to foist off on women? They cause bunions and backaches, shortened calf muscles and hammer toes, corns and calluses. My guess is that you are not high enough on the corporate ladder to attend the meetings where the jogging shoes come off and the power heels are put on, for as brief a time as possible. For many women, the only comfortable shoes are jogging shoes. Anything else will soon be detrimental to their health and productivity.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Debra, 44, female <debra@whro.org>, Norfolk , VA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I am a young female and dress professionally for work. I feel I have a perfectly good reason for wearing shoes that look “silly.” After back surgery for a ruptured disc last year, I have been unable to wear high heels or other shoes that don’t have a lot of support. Jogging shoes fill the bill for that. Dress shoes for women are not made to be comfortable; they are made to look nice. I would rather look a little silly than deal with the pain involved with wearing dress shoes. It is also important to note that high heels are not healthy for anyone. They cause foot, leg and back problems, many of which have long-term effects.
POSTED JAN. 27, 1999
Rachel, 20, female <rachel_kennedy@yahoo.com>, Denver, CO
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE52: What makes some men feel the need to tell their significant other that they think so-and-so is a babe? Women have a hard enough time with self-esteem issues. Is this type of comment ever meant as a veiled insult, or is it usually just an innocent comment? Also, is there a good way to deal with this?
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Laurie L., female, Sunnyvale, CA

ANSWER 1:
For me, it’s often just an innocent comment. When my wife and I are talking, we sometimes discuss attributes of men and women. When I was younger, I made comments that hurt my girlfriend’s feelings because I was ignorant of her insecurities. I don’t make that mistake now, but know that many of my friends do. Saying someone is attractive is one thing, but leering at someone is another. I think, too, that men are just simple at times; we don’t think of others as often as we should.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Karl M., 34, male <karlm@skylink.net>, Henderson, NV

FURTHER NOTICE:
I guess it depends on the kind of comment you are talking about, but generally, I am not bothered by comments from my boyfriend about others being attractive. For example, if my boyfriend were to say, “She is really attractive,” I would have no problem with that. If, on the other hand, he were to say, “She looks much better in short skirts than you do,” I would consider that insulting.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Tara, 24, female <tarakennedy@yahoo.com>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
My wife and I have been together almost five years, and we have a strong enough relationship that neither one of us feels threatened if the other finds a person attractive. I think a strong relationship is key. We are extremely faithful to each other, we would do nothing that would harm our relationship and we focus on communicating with each other every day. We are in love, but that does not preclude us from appreciating the beauty, physical or otherwise, of another human being. For the record, she thinks Peter Jennings is a hunk and I think Helen Hunt is a babe – so I watch the news with her and she watches Mad About You with me.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Stephen S., 31, male <SAScheidt@aol.com>, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I agree with Karl. We tend to be insensitive at times, and women tend to be oversensitive. Kurt Vonnegut’s theory on men and women: “Men are jerks and women are psychotic.”
AUG. 1, 1998
Craig G. <wcgiles@alltel.net>, Columbia, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am guilty of having done this in the past. I often commented on another female’s appearance/attitude when I felt the woman I was with wasn’t living up to my desires, either physically or sexually. Other times, it could have been as simple as wanting my partner to get her hair cut a particular way or try out some new clothes because I thought she would look as good in them as the “babe” in question. Men may need more visual stimuli than women, and they point out what they like, like children in a toy store before Christmas giving hints to their parents.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
W. Mason, 27, white male, <wrmason3@mindspring.com>, Katy, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I don’t think it’s out of bounds to express to your partner that you think another person is attractive. We’re all human, and appreciation of beauty should be considered a positive trait. However, sensitivity to your partner’s psyche must be considered. If your partner is sensitive to this type of thing, try to express your thoughts in a non-sexualized, rticulate way. Don’t stare and drool as you talk.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Chuck, 30, male, Philadephia, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
When a man tells his significant other he thinks another woman is a “babe,” he is letting her know he feels comfortable talking about it with her. That is a compliment. Most men do not talk to women about other women. This is a generality, of course; there are men who will say this to look for a reaction. Are most women insecure? I’m sorry to say that they are. I believe most women will be offended and not understand that what was said was an indication of trust. This is one of the reasons the cosmetic industry is a billion-dollar enterprise.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Jerry, 56, <jersan@aol.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Frankly, the times I’ve been with a girl who would be considered a “babe,” I haven’t really noticed other women. And if I did, I don’t think I’d be impressed to the point of saying anything about it. Of course, now that I think about it, it depends a great deal on how much better looking the other “babe” is. I guess that means it’s kind of a “challenging” remark like, “You know there are other babes out there, so you’d better keep me interested!”
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Hugh S., Sanford, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
It is never meant as an insult, as far I am concerned. My wife and I are in our late 30s and are sometimes amazed at some of the get-ups we see. When I comment on another woman around my wife, I am interested in her opinion, nothing more. Many times she will make a comment that concurs with mine, or she’ll surprise me with something I hadn’t noticed. She will sometimes remark about some guy she notices and makes a little cat-like purr. It actually turns me on to know she is that comfortable with me and with herself!
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Rick D., 39, white male, Denver, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I have done this in the past, and my reasons were to somehow let the one I love know everything about me: Preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. Right or wrong, how often do you and your loved one share a comment about how tasteless someone may appear, then maybe laugh a little, snicker or wink knowingly at each other? Doesn’t it seem to bring you a little closer together by discovering a similarity of opinions? Rest assured the male believes it can work both ways, and why not? If we share with you our thoughts about what we may find unattractive in a person, why not share what we find attractive? A simple “Yeah, she is pretty” or “No way! What are you thinking?” will promote fun and constructive conversation between you and your mate, rather than an argument.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Rob, 29 <rcholt@aol.com>, Charleston, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
An ex of mine used to make statements like that simply to see what kind of reaction I would give him. He could not understand why I never got angry, nor could he graciously handle knowing I found other men attractive (though I was unquestionably committed to him). In his case, I think it was a lot immaturity and insecurity. That may not be the case for all men. Some may say it innocently, and others may just want to be mean. I think the response depends on the guy. If he’s joking and it doesn’t bother you, you can joke right back. If it bothers you, though, I think you ought to say so. If he persists, your next response probably ought to be to walk.
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
W. Lotus, 29 <wlotus@dreamscape.com>, Syracuse, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
When a male tells a female that someone other than her is a babe, I feel he’s bringing them to the same level. It isn’t meant to be mean, just playful. He’s making sure she knows that he notices others while opening a forum for her to express interest in other males. Some couples point out hot people to each other in public. There’s nothing wrong with it.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Smith, white male <chrizzmith@aol.com>, Killeen, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I don’t believe men as a general group feel the need to tell their wives or girlfriends that some other woman is a “babe.” It’s younger men and/or boys who are most likely to do it. It might be a function of their immaturity or lack of confidence as men. It might be the innate ability of guys in general to say things without understanding the impact such statements have on others. Only the one who hears the comment can determine from past behavior whether it is an insult. Yes, there is a simple and direct way to confront the problem: Stop the offender immediately, say in a quiet, level tone, “Please don’t do that; it offends me” and return to previous activity. No argument or discussion.
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
Lorne W., 50, white male <woody141@hotmail.com>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
First of all, they may not “feel the need.” It’s possible they just feel comfortable enough with their signigicant other to speak their minds. Second, don’t presume, unless you have some good evidence, that your man’s observation is also a comparison. Just because someone else is a babe doesn’t mean you’re not. Third, so what? Why presume that, even if you don’t look anything like a “babe,” he’s expressing dissatisfaction with you. Looking and appreciating is one thing. Loving and living with and appreciating is another. Being attached can’t stop someone from enjoying looking. Of course, if your appearance is all you think you’ve got going for you, then there may be some reason to worry. But if that’s all the relationship is based on, there’s reason for worry, anyway. As always, talking honestly can help. You might get him to stop telling you about it, if it continues to bother you. Just don’t expect him ever to stop looking. Good luck working it all out.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Tom P., male, 50 <tpowers@uscsumter.edu>, Sumter, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I am in a relationship in which my boyfriend and I are comfortable remarking that another person is “hot” or a “babe” or a “hunk.” It makes me happy because it is a mark of the trust that we have in each other that we can speak our opinions without worrying about offending or putting down each other. But one thing we don’t say is that we would “do” someone or sleep with another person as a kind of compliment to their looks. I don’t think it is necessarily a bad thing to compliment other people’s looks, and it doesn’t mean you are not attracted to the person you are with.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
V. Norwood, 26, female, Somerville, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
First of all, what’s wrong with “women’s self-esteem”? And don’t blame the media. This has been a problem since time began, even before Charlie’s Angels. If people have a problem with their self-esteem, that’s their responsibility, not society’s. No one can honestly say that most men won’t look at other women. It’s going to happen. If you can’t deal with it, don’t date men. I don’t particularly like hearing about menstrual periods, pap smears and the like. But those discussions come with dating women. The opposite sex is full of idiots, no matter which sex you are.
POSTED NOV. 10, 1998
B., 22, straight white male, Kokomo, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I would ask why women find it offensive when men find another woman attractive. It is natural for us to be attracted to more than one other human in our lives. When the man I am with looks at other women, I look and appreciate her beauty with him. Likewise, he likes to know when I find another man attractive. It is something we share in fun, and neither of us feels threatened. Expecting men to be sensitive to “self-esteem issues” is a way to avoid changing and growing out of those attitudes that keep us from being as loving and free with ourselves and our significant others as we can. Appreciation of human beauty is not something to be afraid of.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Gypsy, female, 34, St Louis, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 17:
This isn’t a male-only thing. A lot of women won’t think twice about mentioning how sexy Mel Gibson or Tom Cruise is, without giving any thought about how it affects their partner’s feelings. Of course, women usually mean it in a joking, light-hearted way. My guess is, so do most men. If it is meant as a veiled insult, then the attitude that generates the insults probably manifests itself in other ways, too. I don’t make such comments to my wife (or to others, for that matter). What purpose could it possibly serve?
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Chuck O. <oey@iname.com>, Redwood City, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 18:
Commenting on the attractiveness of others is a way that men bond together. My buddies and I often talk among ourselves about women we think are hot (we never say this within earshot of the woman, though). It’s a way we get to know each other and in a way open up to each other. I can’t talk about my sexual feelings with most of my women friends because they freak out and immediately think I’m talking about them in some way (I’m not). My best women friends are the ones I can say anything in front of. They are secure enough in themselves to recognize that I’m trying to share with them, not criticize them. A lot of guys wind up with women who they can’t be open with because they think every comment he makes is about them. I think that’s kind of arrogant in a neurotic way, and it’s a huge turn-off in my book. Those relationships never really become friendships so I avoid ’em.
POSTED NOV. 30, 1998
Pete <ilhaj@rocketmail.com>, Mattituck, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP

THE QUESTION:
GE51: Why is it that both women and men have the right to vote, but only men have the responsibility to defend that right in times of war (i.e., the draft)?
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
E.T., 32, Santa Barbara, CA

ANSWER 1:
Women do fight in wars. They aren’t likely to be in the middle of combat, but they are supportive of the armed forces and have been since before we had armed forces. Women are not usually allowed to be in combat because of physical differences and because, frankly, women are the ones who will bear children, a task that so far, no man can perform. Many women have asked for a chance to be in the front lines, but our government has decided to limit this activity.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak Park , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Women don’t have the responsibility of being drafted because they are expected to have children, and this is seen as more valuable to the country than their possible value as a soldier. Women are the future of the military in more ways than one.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Amy S., 23, non-veteran <OakFast@aol.com>, Norman, OK

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
America has never fought a war, in modern times, to defend the right of Americans to vote. In addition, America does not have a “draft.” What we have is a law that requires males over 18 to register with Selective Service; no one is required to serve in peacetime, and depending on the status of the all-volunteer force, it might be that no one will be required to serve in wartime, either. (No one was drafted to serve in Kuwait, for example.) To answer your underlying question: Women are not subject to the registration requirement because Congress (which is overwhelmingly male) decided that only males must register.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Maxine M., 36, lawyer and Air Force veteran, Baltimore, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Women bear children. Any man can help re-populate the nation, but without women, it cannot be done. This cold equation dictates that while equality between the sexes is a great ideal, some matters will always come down to the need for women to bear children. Look at history: Many Celtic tribes fell into extinction because both men and women would fight, and over time, weaker tribes would no longer have enough women available to bear children.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
John K., 24, straight Irish-American male, <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I do not agree with this standpoint, however, this is the military’s view on women in combat: The Department of Defense has done studies that have shown men are genetically more aggressive, and in most cases physically stronger, than women. This makes men, in the DOD’s point of view, better candidates for soldiers and war.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Craig <Bonowitz@aol.com>, Des Moines, IA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The male is more aggressive as a result of evolutionary demands. He will kill if necessary to protect what is important to him. Women are the “caretakers” and give stability to the family. They are not expected to fill the role of a warrior. In general, society expects the male to protect the country/home/family. It does not have this expectation of the female. In war, men are killed. Women are raped and do not die right away. I think it is unthinkable for our society to subject women to this danger, no matter what feminists would like to have happen.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Jerry, 56, <jersan@aol.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The government of the United States derives its power from “the consent of the governed,” not the consent of the armed.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Jay B., male <jayboyd@ameritech.net>, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I am a 52-year-old woman, grew up in an Air Force family and have always felt women should be part of the draft (when we have had a draft). Among other things, it is possible there would be many more conscientious objectors during immoral conflicts, e.g., Vietnam. Also, this fact of inequality would not be thrown back into my face by insecure men.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Biljrat, 52, mostly white, Portland, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Tradition, for one thing. Also, many men have an inborn bias against women toting guns and killing people. Look at the reaction women got when they wanted to fly fighter craft in combat. Military-type men also do not trust that women will have what it takes strengthwise when the going gets tough.
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Elaine C. < eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
There are two schools of thought on this subject held by women, in my opinion. One is a woman’s need to “be a man,” to use legal action to be accepted into a military school or a man’s club. She wants them to realize she can do what they can, i.e. can fight the wars and nurse the sick. The other school is the school of taking things for granted. She wants freedom in this culture but is unwilling to defend it. She also sees men as low objects and throws it in their faces on magazines and TV shows. She parades around how feminine she is and that men are needed only for sex and manual labor. She stomps on male sexuality, teasing men and taunting them and controlling them and at the same time acting like the victim. She sees herself as the better sex but in spite of this keeps her gossiping, her bitterness and her overpowering presence. She seeks to do away with cigars and card-playing and beer. She sees men as insensitive and weak, but takes them for granted as far as what they really are. That is why women aren’t in the draft.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Smith, white male <chrizzmith@aol.com>, Killeen, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Good question. Here’s another: Why is it that only 18-year-old men are required to sign up for Selective Service? This is required by law and would appear to be sexual discrimination. Men who don’t sign up don’t get federal financial aid. Women wouldn’t even have to serve in combat roles if they were pregnant, etc. To me, the reason is that feminist activists want to have their cake and eat it, too. If Congress attempted to force all women to sign up with Selective Service, I think you’d see NOW backing up in a hurry.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
B., 22, straight white male, Kokomo, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I’m sure there are many people of both sexes willing to defend their country, but generally the men seem to go off to the drafts because it’s always historically been that way. Many women would probably like to go and defend their country and do have a choice in the matter if they would like to, but most people would probably agree that women should not be in the drafts. As a woman, I can proudly say I’m glad I have a choice in the matter. I personally would not like to go off to war, but I would help out for the cause.
POSTED NOV. 19, 1998
J.B. straight, white female <Joseph_Best@firstclass.rit.edu>, Rochester, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
The answer is that men are physically stronger than women, on balance. That’s a really unpopular thing to say, but it’s true. Check out sports records for any event and you’ll see that male athletes run faster, lift more, hit harder and throw farther than their female counterparts. Even exceptional Olympian women like Jackie Joyner have had their speeds frequently surpassed by standard male track athletes in college (even high school). Sure, a few women are unusally strong if they train for years, but the average woman is weaker than the average man. That’s why there are many, many more battered women than battered men. Does physical strength matter in today’s army? Less than it used to, but it’s still important, especially with infantry.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Pete <ilhaj@rocketmail.com>, Mattituck, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP