Gender Questions 41-50

THE QUESTION:
GE50: Why do women seem to react negatively when being approached for sex? I am a bisexual male and there is a noticeable difference between the genders. Almost all the men I have approached for sex did not mind being propositioned, but women seem to be offended or turned off. Are women just not as interested as men in sex?
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
David T., Santa Cruz, CA

ANSWER 1:
I would react negatively when a total stranger (or even an acquaintance, for that matter) approached me for sex. Maybe I can control my urges more than other people, but casual sex is definitely not my thing. I am not going to jump into bed with any Tom, Dick or Harry who asks solely because “I feel like doing it tonight.” There is more to sex than urges – there should be love and commitment before I have sex with someone. I am not an animal but a human being who has feelings and intelligence. If someone wants my physical being, he should want my emotional and intellectual being, too.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
I.C. 32, female, Manila, The Philippines

FURTHER NOTICE:
I need some sort of emotional involvement before engaging in any sort of sexual activity, and many women probably feel the same way. It stems from evolution – females are out to find the best genetic match/father, so they need to get to know him first. Males are out to “sow their oats.” Many people of both genders would probably be appalled at having sex with someone they don’t know, anyway.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Melinda M., Davison, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Most of us have been taught to elevate ourselves above animals. Any animal can have sex and procreate; evolved humans have formed intricate social systems to deal with the issue, since there are often consequences to the coupling. We are taught to make a big distinction between having sex and making love. One is a simple physiological function, the other involves commitment and a sense of responsibility for any consequences. Like most women, I feel making love brings more satisfaction than simple sex could ever provide.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
43-year-old white female, Long Beach , CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Most women I know feel they are subject to more negative consequences from sex than men. For example: The fear of an unwanted pregnancy, the fear of being hurt physically or emotionally by an experience that could turn ugly or violent, the fear of harm to their health, and fear of being ostracized socially or ridiculed if they are permissive. We also seem to be hard-wired by our biology into looking at sex as the outgrowth of a relationship (even if we know it’s only a short-term casual one) as opposed to a pure recreational activity. Women need to feel safe and that the man asking looks at them as a person and not just as a convenient release. Some men approach women for sex in a way that women consider rude and crude (but many men don’t) and it turns them off. If you are using a “line” you think is original, I assure you she has heard it a million times before and sees right through it – another turnoff.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Susan C., 45, female, Richmond, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
We have a uterus, and you don’t. We get pregnant, and you don’t. Going around constantly “primed,” i.e.on the pill or something is not most women’s cup of tea. Also, it breaks our hearts when men make love to us and then leave.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C. <eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think the differences in reaction have to do with experience and mental conditioning. As a female, I have often had experiences where a man offers/asks for sex, then is very offended -even violent – when answered with a “no.” On the other hand, male friends who have told me about being offered sex do not usually describe it as an offensive or frightening experience.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
Paula, 32, female mainly Euro-American, Memphis, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The old stereotypes have a lot of truth to them. Women are turned on by love and men fall in love by getting turned on. Just look at gay men and lesbians. Without having to compromise, men have sex without love and women have love without sex. (I must give Camille Paglia credit for that one.) There are obvious exceptions to this, but the trends prove the point. In fact, I’ve had to warn female friends that they can’t just have sex. We fall in love when we do that.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Woman who knows her limitations <ThePowers@aol.com>, Greensboro, NC
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THE QUESTION:
GE49: Why don’t many women have motor skills? Most females can’t throw a ball correctly or swing a golf club. When they drive, they hold the steering wheel in funny ways and are constantly trying to correct the wheel. Looking for answers…
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Eric, white male <boss_hogg@geocities.com>, Iowa

ANSWER 1:
I think it’s just the way women are made. Maybe a certain part of our brain is more dominant than the other. That’s why there are women and there are men. It’s like comparing an apple to an orange – they are both fruits, but their tastes and colors are different, and it’s not fair to compare them because they are totally different.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
I.C., 32, female, Manila, The Philippines

FURTHER NOTICE:
I can’t imagine what women you have been observing. I am by no means an athletic person, but I can throw a ball (although not as far as a man), I can swing a golf club (again, not as long of a drive as my husband, but at least straight) and I’m a pretty good driver. I hold the wheel as I was taught, at “ten o’clock” and “two o’clock” or, when I get lazy, just hold it with one hand at the bottom. The only answer I can think of to your question is that it is not a gender issue (I know plenty of clumsy, uncoordinated men) but that you have been watching some rather uncoordinated women, or people who simply haven’t practiced the activities you mentioned.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Michelle, 26, female <wxjon@minor.stlnet.com>, St. Louis, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don’t think men are naturally more inclined to have better motor skills. In childhood, women are generally less encouraged to develop physical prowess, and less challenged when they show an inclination. Obviously, many manage to become great athletes in spite of and even because of these obstacles.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’ve never seen the steering wheel example you referred to. However, your other two examples (throwing a ball and using a golf club) are not biological, but learned behaviors. If you are right-handed, try throwing a ball with your left hand. If you’ve never done it before, you simply won’t be able to throw a ball as well with your non-dominant hand because you haven’t learned and mastered the necessary mechanical motions. Boys learn the necessary mechanics of throwing from associating with other boys, watching them throw and throwing things themselves. Unless a girl is in a similar situation (e.g. several older brothers), she most likely won’t learn the mechanics of throwing on her own. But it can be learned. In regard to your other example, there is a Women’s PGA tour.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Bill L., San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Women do have motor skills. All humans have motor skills, except those disabled in that area. Women may use their motor skills in different ways. I, for one, play a very good game of softball and can swing a golf club in the proper manner.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Kat, Topeka, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Many girls and women throw baseballs and swing golf clubs beautifully. I am not one of them, but that’s because I don’t care for those sports. That’s not because I’m a woman – I cycle, and I and dance extremely well, which both require strong coordination. I know no one, male or female, who holds a steering wheel “in a funny way,” and I hope that everyone is adjusting the wheel as he or she drives, since I’d think that’s part of how one steers. Finally, how are you defining “motor skills”? Can you, for example, do fine needlework, swiftly julienne vegetables or build and wire a lamp? I can do two of these three things – which I believe require fine motor ability – better than most people I know, and if I were a betting woman, I’d put down $5 that when you first posted your question, you wouldn’t guess which two correctly.
POSTED JULY 29, 1998
D.S., 32, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
It’s a matter of anatomical structure. As for throwing, the angular relationships of the bones making up the shoulder joint differ. This would, in general, apply to manipulating anything with the upper extremeties. The female anatomy is basically structured to facilitate reproduction, not such motor skills as those mentioned. Some, and the range of variance is huge, do have the anatomical structure and do have fine motor skills. It’s all a matter of individuality within the general range of the divergences between male and female bodies.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
J.R., Ph.D <jreviere@flash.net>, Albuquerque, NM

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Clearly the answer is training in youth. Male or female, if you develop your motor skills through sports at a young age, you will be more competent throughout your life. Case in point: My father desperately wanted boys, but he got only girls after three attempts. So he put us in tiny football uniforms and would run plays with us across the front yard (the photos are awfully cute). Result? We aren’t exceptional atheletes, but we can all throw a perfect spiral, we play in various adult sports leagues, we can catch falling jars in midflight, we drive alertly and well, and we shake our heads regretfully at women who never learned coordination (except for my one sister who became a womens’ and girls’ sports coach).
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Katrina G., 28, Sunnyvale, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Girls and women are often told to “keep your elbows to yourself,” “keep your legs together” and “take small delicate steps.” The apparent lack of motor skills is lack of training and gender expectations. Little boys can practice their “moves” without criticism. Girls with good training can excel in sports and have good endurance as well.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Adele M., academic women’s studies <mccollum@saturn.montclair.edu>, Upper Montclair, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Girls are not really encouraged to participate in sports, so some women may appear to have poor motor skills because we don’t know any better. I was never taught how to play baseball or golf. When I was growing up, I was encouraged to do “feminine” things: Dance, cheerleading, etc., and when I started to show an interest in “boy’s things” (toys aimed at males, for example), I was quickly discouraged by the phrase: “Young ladies don’t do/play with/use those things.”
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Michelle V., 23, female <webkitty@yahoo.com>, Honolulu, HI

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Many women you have observed lack motor skills because they were not brought up in an environment that encouraged their use, or they simply aren’t interested in developing them. One example you gave was throwing a ball. Women who have not played baseball or softball do not throw well, but neither do men who don’t play. On the other hand, women who have played ball for years can throw as well as men. It’s all a matter of practice. Women in the past have generally not been encouraged to play sports, which explains why more women than men find throwing a ball or swinging a golf club difficult. This is changing as we realize the many advantages that participation in sports offers, and my guess is that you will see more and more women who can throw, or swing a club, or whatever, as time goes on.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Woman, 36, Yorktown , VA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
For the same reason men, in general, don’t have social skills. From a young age women are tought a very rigid definition of what it means to be “femenine,” and it doesn’t include throwing a ball or swinging a club. Men are given a similarly narrow definition of “masculinity,” and it doesn’t usually include the ability to listen, have (and show) compassion, etc. There is no innate lack of motor skills in women (as there is no innate lack of social skills in men); there is just a societal pressure to conform that keeps many people from developing a more “whole” personality.
POSTED OCT. 26, 1998
Gordon, 31, male, Sunnyvale, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I think it comes from social tendencies. Boys are expected to play “rough,” getting involved in all sorts of sports, etc. Girls are expected to sit at home and play with dolls. This gives birth to labels like “tomboy” for girls who prefer sports or other stereotypically “boy” activities. On the other hand, I know a large number of women who love dancing of all sorts, and a large number of men who have no “grace” or “rhythm.” Is that not a motor skill as well? Also, motor skills will deteriorate when women are around men and get performance anxiety. For instance, my mother can’t drive with my father in the car. She always thinks he’s criticizing her.
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Kathy, 23, female, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
Girls are taught to always get males’ approval, not show up the boys, and to act helpless. That’s why you hear a lot of giggling in young women, especially when boys are around. Women are taught to be the weaker sex. I remember when I was in high school, a male teacher and two boys were carrying portable stairs (the ones you see used on a stage). I thought I’d help, so I went to the side that was being carried by one of the boys. Well, his fragile male ego couldn’t handle that and he said, “Are you trying to show me up?” and left. That made him look even worse, because now the were two males on one side and a “weak, fragile female” on the other. I have always been stronger than the average woman and have always been of the feminist mindset in that why shouldn’t I be allowed to do something just because I have a uterus? If you think women can’t throw a baseball, you need to find a lesbian softball game and watch them. When we accept our lesbianism, we realize that seeking male approval is just a load of horse apples, and we do what we damn well want to. Also, as someone pointed out, watch the LPGA. Which brings up a question, why do our games have to be branded “Ladies” basketball, golf, etc.? It makes it sound like there’s the real game, and then there’s the Ladies. Another question: Why is the male ego so fragile?
POSTED FEB. 25, 1999
No need of male approval here, lesbian, Fort Worth, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE48: I have been married six months. My wife was a virgin when we met, which was fine, but we still have not had sexual relations. I’m losing patience. What should I make of this situation?
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
B.P., Honolulu, HI

ANSWER 1:
What do I make of it? That you are the most patient individual on the face of the planet. Have you talked about this with her? Is it that she just can’t bring herself to do it? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” I would say she has had some bad experiences or unhealthy training in her past that makes her fear or despise sex. If I were you, I would seek out a marriage counselor or a psychotherapist immediately. If she would not go, I would seriously consider ending the marriage. A life of celibacy is not what you accepted when you married her.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Mike <thewests@ctsi.net>, Richmond VA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Try to explain to her that having sex is a major part of intimacy. Has she had a bad experience with sex? Does her family have very strict values regarding sex? Tell her that husbands and wives are supposed to have sex. It is another way to express love.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Beth B., 23 <CoCGrad@aol.com>, Charleston, SC
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THE QUESTION:
GE47: I am a man who loves horses. Yet it seems that more than 80 percent of the people involved in horsemanship are women (mainly teenage girls), while men are indifferent for the most part. Anyone have a theory about why this is?
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Robert W., 34, urban male, Birmingham, AL

ANSWER 1:
It’s possible that your encounter with male indifference to horses is related to where you’re located. Both my parents, from Tennessee, love horses. This is true also of much of our extended family from the mountains of Tennessee, including the men. And I know Tennessee is not the sole location of horse-loving men.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
Jacqui, 21 <jmclaug@eos.ncsu.edu>, Blacksburg, VA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I have known several female horseback riders who say there are psychosexual connections related to this phenomenon. Some have even told me they had their hymen ruptured and/or experienced their first orgasm on the back of a horse. Maybe there’s just something about having something so large and muscular between your legs that we mortal men could never match (sigh).
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Mike, Richmond, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I leased a horse one summer, and I came up with a theory about why women and girls like them so much. I call it “the big doll” theory: Before you go riding, you have to groom the horse and clean his hooves, etc. Then you dress him all up in his saddle and blanket and bridle and all. It’s like playing Barbies on a very large scale. Then you ride off and get away from everyone. It’s great.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
P.J., CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I loved horses as a teenage girl and still do. Horses are alive, not mechanical, and they are beautiful. Women seldom get the experience of moving fast and having 1,000 pounds of steel shod muscle under the command of their slightest shift in weight. It makes us feel free and graceful. You thought it was going to be some kind of kinky sex thing, didn’t you?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C.< eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Not completely sure why; maybe it’s a macho thing, sort of like, “Why don’t (most) men like cats?” There are probably more men really interested in horses than you think. Don’t most of those girls have parents who are involved? I’ll bet they are just as involved as the kids. Besides, if you are a single man, this could be a good way to meet single women! My wife and I have llamas, and it is a similar situation, but there are a number of entire families and childless couples involved. I’m sure it is the same with horses. Get involved with your horse associations and the shows and you may be pleasantly surprised.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Bill, 42, white male <safreeb@nationwide.com>, Lancaster , OH

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a teenage girl who rides, and I cannot speak for everyone, but I get no enjoyment out of grooming,and I’ve never decorated my mount’s mane. I’ve also never gotten pleasure from the movement between my legs. The only possible explanation I can think of is that many books, dolls and toys for preteen girls feature horses (e.g. The Saddle Club book series, Breyer models) much more than boys’ toys do. I find this a little odd, since many “macho” heroes like cowboys and knights have everything to do with riding.
POSTED DEC. 21, 1998
Emily, 14, white female <Darrow25@aol.com>, Memphis, TN
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THE QUESTION:
GE46: Why do women still often expect men to wear condoms, now that most drug stores sell female condoms?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
J.L.C., single white male <colburnj@sprynet.com>, Laguna Beach, CA

ANSWER 1:
Female condoms cost considerably more than male condoms, and you get fewer per package. I haven’t tried them for this reason, but I’ve also heard they provide even less sensation for both partners than the male condom, and are messier and more complicated to use. If your concern is with having to purchase condoms on your own, find a woman willing to share the cost.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
C.E., 32, single white female, Knoxville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE:
There was a free trial sample of them when they first came out. My boyfriend and I tried them, and they’re awful! They are difficult to use, take a lot more time and dexterity than male condoms, and frankly, are quite noisy.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
Julie D., 31, middle-class professional, San Diego , CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Women have to wear diaphragms, take birth control pills, get IUDs and find foams and sponges just so that our partner doesn’t have to wear that thin layer of latex. Now they’ve come up with female comdoms so that we can further carry the contraceptive burden and men can relax and enjoy the ride. I think I’ll be willing to wear the female condom when they come up with a man who is willing to take a pill everyday, have a shot once a month or get some little piece of copper implanted in their testicles.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Tara, 20, female <TaraSLO@aol.com>, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE45: When I look at the situation I am in with my husband, I wonder why I was ever attracted to him. We are total opposites. What are people’s thoughts on whether it is true that opposites really attract?
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Pam, 25, FL

ANSWER 1:
I’ve read that while some people may choose a mate that is opposite, it is not the opposite of themselves. That is, I would say I married a woman who is the complete opposite of her mother, though my wife married a man exactly like her father. Both of us had terrible relationships with these parent. We are opposites, married 15 years.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Bob, 46, white male, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE:
Opposites successfully attract when they find they can fill a void or lack in their own personalities with the opposite person’s attributes. My late wife and I were opposites in the social scene. I was the non-verbal, introspective type and was drawn out lovingly by my outgoing, extroverted wife. She allowed me to escape that shell, and I in turn was the anchor that kept her grounded in practicality. We had a wonderful marriage for 20 years before she passed on. The key is recognizing, celebrating and applauding that difference in one another.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Pete K., 59, white male <petenoel@aol.com>, Vero Beach, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
According to the Human Sexuality course I took in college, usually similars attract. Most often, people of the same attractiveness, class, race and personality are more attracted to one another. I can’t really say if that is accurate, but I will say my husband and I are almost exactly alike – and happily married, too!
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Donna, 28 <DruBdoo3@aol.com>, Fernley, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
This may be one of the downsides to an open and free society. It is really a modern practice to pick a mate based on emotions. In many cultures, including ours until recently, a mate was chosen for the value he or she could bring to the family and the potential mate, such as their ability to produce offspring, feed the family, care for the parents as they aged, etc. More freedom means freedom to make bad choices. Take a look at the divorce rate. Emotions are fleeting; there has to be something there to renew appreciation for your mate each moment.
POSTED AUG. 17, 1998
Dave, 41 <GILSTRAP@MS13.HINET.NET>, Easley, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
My wife and I are quite opposite. On personality profiles we both rank on the extreme and opposite end of the scales. We also have several things in common. We are matched well in intelligence and social background. I have heard, and agree, that the best matches have a common social background but tend to be opposite otherwise. I think there will be problems if mates do not share the same worldview and morals. Given that common basis (and a huge dose of commitment), mates can make good use of opposition. Opposition results in completeness. Someone who is afraid of the dark would be better with someone who is not. A good talker completes a good listener. A shy person will benefit from an outgoing spouse. When the glue is commitment and love, opposites work well.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Craig, 40, male MO

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I know many “opposite” couples work out wonderfully, but my experience has been less rosey. When I have been attracted to people opposite of me, it has often stemmed from insecurity – there’s a quality that I want myself but don’t have. Instead of developing that quality myself, I find someone else who has it and try to get that person. (For example: If I can’t be, let’s say, successful myself, find someone who is successful, get them to want/accept me, and I will be successful by default). Only it never works, not for me, anyway. Thus the theory: Don’t go looking for someone with all the qualities you want, go out and get those qualities in yourself, i.e. “Be the man you want to marry.”
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica, female, 26 <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY
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THE QUESTION:
GE44: When is a woman considered a woman, and why? Is it after she is married? After she gives birth? If so, would a 15-year-old be considered a woman?
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Kristy, white, Corona, CA

ANSWER 1:
I regard any female 18 or older as a woman, regardless of marital or parental status (which in my opinion should have nothing to do with whether one is considered a “woman” or “girl,” or a “man” vs. a “boy”). After all, my dictionary defines “woman” as “an adult female person.” I will say, though, that I frequently use “young woman” (or “young man”) instead of “girl” (or “boy”) in reference to teens younger than 18. Perhaps it’s because I’m not that far removed from teenhood myself, and because I know (and have known since my teen years) so many mature teenagers.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Laura, 25 <laura@solace.res.cmu.edu>, Niles, OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
Physically the onset of menstration is the time a girl becomes a woman. Emotionally and mentally a female will need to reach some awareness(es) before she is a woman. Thinking for yourself, accepting responsibilities and genuine concern for other people are a few of the traits that signal maturity and thus “being a woman.” My definition of maturity? “Maturity is the ability to accept responsibilities, to stick with a job until it’s finished, to do a job without being supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.” That’s a quote, but I don’t know from whom.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Kathy, 43 <mcslo1@juno.com>, Lancaster, Ohio

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I do not remember when I consciously decided to consider myself a woman and felt natural doing so. I do know that I continue to categorize those around me as either girls/boys or women/men depending not on their age but on their maturity. Being a man or a woman involves a certain amount of self-confidence, a sense of responsibility and a deep and uncompromising sense of self. Also important is an ability to recognize and respect the effects that your actions will have on others. Don’t worry, Kristy. You’ll know.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Alison C., 23 <mbapchest@qtm.net>, South Bend, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
A pretty sexist man asked me that once. I said, “When she starts calling herself one.”
Jessica, 26, female <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I have often wondered myself what it truly means to be a woman. When I was 20 I had to hav my ovaries removed, and I had to take hormone replacement therapy. I went through a stage where I thought I wouldn’t be a “woman” if I didn’t take the pills. I though that my “womanhood” was now in a translucent brown bottle. Now I just think that being a woman is a personal identification that really shouldn’t be defined by society. We can have guidelines, but each woman is left to define what that means to her.
POSTED OCT. 7, 1998
Kathy C., 26, Newport News, Va

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I don’t think age determines anything. To me, a girl becomes a woman when she figures out not only that she can take care of and be responsible for herself, but how to do so. There are plenty of girls with kids who still think they are nothing without a man (or woman) to take care of them, who don’t realize that the point of having someone in your life is to have a partner to share your life with, and that always looking to someone else for validation is self-defeating. I’m still working on this myself, but hope to get it nailed down one day soon.
POSTED NOV. 30, 1998
Nikki, 29, white female, Chicago, IL
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THE QUESTION:
GE43: Why is it that many overweight and very thin women wear leggings? To me, there would be plenty of outfits that would be far more flattering and draw less negative attention to them.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Carrie <ercw@ipns.com>, Portland, OR

ANSWER 1:
Because they are comfortable and stretchy. The reason to wear a large loose top over them is to hide spare tires, bulges or pot bellies. Comfort is the name of the game, and they are tight and make you feel slim, even if you are fat. We all want to be comfortable and sexy and casual. Stretch pants do that for a woman, regardless of size.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Kathy, 40 <mcslo1@juno.com>, Lancaster, Ohio

FURTHER NOTICE:
Underweight and overweight women probably wear leggings for the same reason I do (my height and weight are proportionate): They’re inexpensive, very comfortable and washable.
POSTED OCT. 8, 1998
C. Gortowski, 43, urban female <CGortowski@aol.com>, Chicago, IL
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THE QUESTION:
GE42: Why does society continue to have sympathy for women who are abused by their husbands but keep coming back?
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Joe, Riverside, CA

ANSWER 1:
The reason they go back is they are afraid they will be killed if they don’t, or they think they can’t do any better and cannot support themselves, so they make the best of it. That would make me sympathetic with anyone.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C. < eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH
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THE QUESTION:
GE41: Why do women spend so much time, energy and money on their appearances, but then become upset when a man stares at them? And do women really become upset at this, or are they just pretending?
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
John, 27, Riverside, CA

ANSWER 1:
I like to dress up and look nice because it makes me feel good. I’m not dressing up for men, I’m dressing up for myself. I’m not asking to be stared at. Besides, staring is just plain rude. There are more discreet ways of appreciating someone’s beauty.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1999
T.H., 23, female, East Lansing, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Staring is OK if it is brief and is stopped when I see someone staring. It is an ego-booster but not if in excess. Women dress nice and wear makeup to be noticed, and a whistle or stare is ego-boosting. I just smile back to say thank you for noticing me, I tried to look nice and you noticed me!
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Kathy, 40 <mcslo1@juno.com>, Lancaster, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There is a difference between an appreciative look given to note your attractiveness and rude staring. I don’t mind it one bit when I get a second look when I am dressed up, but I do not appreciate men who stare until I am uncomfortable. Often they continue to stare, even after they note my discomfort. I also do not appreciate comments that have been made to me and about me while walking down a street. I do not dress provocatively in any way, but I still receive undesirable attention for simply looking beautiful.
POSTED AUG. 21, 1998
M.F., 21, female, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There is a time and a place for everything. I like for a friend or co-worker to notice (and comment) if I look nice, but when a stranger stares at my legs in a short skirt? Some guy I’ve never met isn’t looking at my legs because I’m a beautiful person; he doesn’t even know me! He’s looking at some part of my body that has nothing to do with who I am, and that means that he’s just seeing me as an object, and that is never flattering. And truthfully, when a man I don’t know stares at me, I just get scared. I have been in situations where I was threatened, where I was in real physical danger, and the thing you have to remember is that most women have. Maybe you are some nice, harmless guy, but guys look positively carnivorous when they’re “admiring” your legs, and a wolf whistle at the wrong time or place can sound just like a death threat.
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
Jennifer S., 21, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I believe everyone tries to look their best, but the media and society place more pressure on women to look good. I think women become upset if the guys checking them out seem threatening in some way. Like “Why is this guy staring at me? Is he a psycho?” Also, some men like to throw out comments (“Hey beautiful!” is OK, whereas “Nice tits!” is not.) I think women would appreciate it if guys would just bite the bullet and say “Hi” if they think a girl is cute. If she responds, strike up a conversation, and then you won’t seem like some random stalker. P.S. Girls can be pretty blatant when checking out guys, too!
POSTED DEC. 1, 1998
Michelle, 27, white female, New York, NY
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