Gender Questions 61-70

THE QUESTION:
GE70: I’d like to know from men: Why do you not like overweight women? I am 22, educated and have a job, and all of my friends say I am really nice to have around. But since I am somewhat overweight, no guy wants me. Why?
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Sheri L., Madison, WI

ANSWER 1:
It’s probably cultural training. I’ve recently developed a kidney problem and have developed 15 unwelcome pounds of sagging water around my body. It looks and feels unhealthy, and I am repelled by it. This can’t be a universal response, however. I’ve known a number of men who professed preference for heavy women, and the old parody of Figaro’s song comes to mind: “The bigger the figure the better I like her; the better I like her the better I feed her; the better I feed her the bigger the figure; the bigger the figure the more I can love.” Hang in there.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Al, 59 <alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky Mount, NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
As prejudiced as it may seem, I find it impossible to find overweight women attractive. I am physically very active, practicing three high-contact sports regularly, as well as a multitude of others when the oppurtunity arises. As such, sports activity is an important requisite in the women I date, and it is my experience that overweight women don’t practice sport as regularly or as seriously as non-overweight women. Thus it is quite difficult for me to be attracted to such a woman. Also, as a philosophy and psychology student, for my girlfriends the ability to effectively argue and convey ideas is also somewhat of a must. I realize that weight has nothing to do with intelligence, but I find it difficult to respect a person’s ideas or opinions if it appears to me that they aren’t “smart” enough to respect their own bodies. Bearing all this in mind, however, I think for me it’s basically a case of the proportions being outside of what I find attractive. It’s more to do with society’s image that “fat isn’t beautiful.”
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Andrew, 18, male <the13thtongue@yahoo.com>, Wellington, New Zealand

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It’s been my experience that genuine attractions happen regardless of what either of the two people look like. Though overweight women (and men) may have difficulty persuading someone not already interested in them to give them a chance, if something is meant to be, the other person will not only wholeheartedly accept physical flaws, but probably wouldn’t want the person any other way.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Dan, male, La Salle, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Andrew, the statement you made that overweight people do not respect their bodies is downright appalling. Granted, people who are substantially overweight or obese may experience health complications and the inability to fully participate in several activities. However, all human beings should and must respect their bodies for what it does for us and the functions it perfoms daily to keep us alive. What would you do if your heart malfunctioned, or your lungs or kidneys? Does an extra 20 to 30 pounds really matter that much, considering an otherwise optimum health and healthy lifestyle? Your comments reflect how ridiculous this whole weight-conscious, weight-obsessed society is, to the point that an overweight person is not considered “smart” by your standards. How unfortunate. To Sheri, consider that your body is much more important than a simple object for “decorative purposes only.” Don’t mind the men who overlook you; believe me, there is someone out there who will love you unconditionally.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1999
Miriam, 23, female <mcvidal@prodigy.net>, NY
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THE QUESTION:
GE69: Why has it become acceptable for men to urinate openly in public bathrooms? I am 35, gay and rather shy about my body. I work in a corporate setting and find “upper management” trying to talk me while I am urinating! I am embarrassed but usually wind up in a stall to avoid this.
POSTED SEPT. 4, 1998
Joe D., 35, gay male <josephdonato@hotmail.com >, Philadelphia, PA

ANSWER 1:
You are not alone on this one. I am female and am constantly finding myself in situations where another woman is talking to me while one or both of us are in the stall. Although I am not bashful, I feel very uncomfortable with this. I was always taught that when a bathroom door is shut, you don’t bother the occupant for anything short of a fire. For me, this has carried over from the home bathroom to the restrooms. Why do people do this?
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Kay H. 35, female, Alpena, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
A while back, my husband and I had a discussion about this very topic. I told him I would be very uncomfortable with the idea of going to the bathroom in view of other people. I have even had unpleasant dreams about this scenario akin to those about showing up for work in the nude. My husband thought this was kind of weird, and didn’t seem to share my discomfort about this topic. Yesterday he did, however, relate to me that he thought it was very disturbing to have someone of the same sex watch him urinate into a cup for a random drug test for his job.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Female White Prude, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
This issue really bugs me, too. I’m not at all shy about my body, but my body has a mind of its own when it comes to urinating in public. You can lead a horse to water… It’s called a “bashful bladder,” and my father suffers from the same condition. I simply cannot go if there are people around or even within earshot. I often have to work around this disability, especially in situations where men’s rooms don’t offer a private stall. You’ll never see a women’s room with toilets lined up side by side without a privacy enclosure. The worst case of this lack of regard for a man’s privacy is the New York City Marathon, where they construct 30-foot troughs lined with plastic sheets that empty into a drain at one end. Here men are required to stand shoulder to shoulder in the outdoors while tourists take pictures of the spectacle from the bridges above. The Japanese are quite sensitive to this need for privacy. In Japan, most bathrooms consist only of fully enclosed stalls with walls and doors that go right to the ceiling and floor. They even have music or white noise playing to dampen the sound of one’s personal business. I often wonder if Japanese men suffer from “bashful bladder” more than other men. I’d like to hear from any Japanese men who could shed insight on this issue.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Jim, 39, Tallahassee, FL
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THE QUESTION:
GE68: When I start a new relationship, am I dreaming or is it possible to hold off on sex for at least six months until the two of us have had a chance to get to know each other? The last few men I’ve met make it clear they don’t want to wait. Does my age have anything to do with it?
POSTED SEPT. 4, 1998
L.B., 33, black female, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
Although I found it very frustrating, my girlfriend and I did wait before having sex for about six months after meeting one another. The sex itself was very satisfying, I think, because the emotional content was higher and we meant more to one another than would have been the case if we had “given in” earlier. It has also made us more trusting of one another, as we have demonstrated our committment to one another. I think we have proven to each other that we are serious about our relationship. I also find it very reassurring that I don’t have to worry about her cheating, and that feeling is more satisfying than any sex could be by itself. So yes, there are men like us out there, and if he believies you are worth it (or is telling you so) he can wait. For me, it was more than worth it.
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
M.M. 44, white male, Manteca, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
When the time is right to have sex a couple knows it. If your time does not come until six months, that’s great. But if you’re withholding sex for six months as some test, I can appreciate your friend’s feeling that you’re playing games. If it turns out that your timing does not fit your partner’s, then the relationship will fail on its own. I’ve never dumped a girl for withholding sex if I liked the person, but I’ll admit that regular sex has prolonged many a doomed relationship.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Dante, 28, trucker <6rig@juno.com>, Queens, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
When are you sharing your schedule for sex with him? On the first date? Or do you wait until a situation arises, so to speak. I have never hurried in my relationships with men, nor have I told them they were on a timetable. I let my instincts know when the time is right, and I have found that if a man is truly interested in me as a person, he will wait until I’m ready.
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
Mary Ann, 32, female, Portland, ME
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THE QUESTION:
GE67: Is it true that men take splitting up much harder than women, and if so, why? It seems to me that men are more physical, while women are more emotional, in general. Because a relationship has more to do with emotion, being in a relationship is very different from not being in one (for a man), so would there be more a sense of loss? Perhaps there is something a man only gets from a relationship, which a woman gets from friends? I am especially interested in hearing women�s comments.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
S.W.M., 31

ANSWER 1:
My hunch is that men are more devastated by a breakup because they’re not as intuitive or introspective as women. A woman usually senses trouble in a relationship long before a man does. She may be saddened, disturbed and depressed about this for weeks or months, while the man is still blissfully unaware anything is wrong. Thus, when the problem finally comes to a head, and the couple break up, the man is devastated because he never foresaw the problem. The woman, on the other hand, has already done a fair amount of grieving and crying over the relationship, and is more ready to move on.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Astorian, 37, divorced male, <Astorian@aol.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
All men are not the same emotionally, intellectually, spiritually or in any other way. After losing the championship game, some men pound the lockers, some cry, some are quiet, some want to be with their friends, some want to be alone. You can’t generalize that most men are one way and most women are another. Even if you collect data that seems to support such a conclusion, it inevitably leads to destructive attitudes that “men are this way” and “women are that way.” Look around you at the variety of emotional needs in the people you encounter, and realize it is not necessary to find an easy answer that puts all people in a few tidy boxes. Certainly some men suffer more than their ex-partners when they separate. Others do not. The same man may suffer differently when separating from one partner than another. People need and deserve to be treated as individuals, especially in such a personal crisis as the end of a significant relationship.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Jay R., Kent, WA
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THE QUESTION:
GE66: Why do many of the same women who battle sexual harassment seem so willing to forgive President Clinton for his actions and subsequent “misleading” of his family? Would they feel the same if he were a Republican?
POSTED AUG. 20, 1998
Dan, 34, voted for Clinton twice, Charlottesville, VA

ANSWER 1:
I’m a female who has been sexually harassed in the workplace, and I voted for Clinton twice. There is a difference between unwelcome sexual advances and a mutual affair such as the one Clinton and Monica Lewinsky apparently engaged in. That’s not to say the affair was right, but in my opinion Lewinsky was not sexually harassed if she was a willing participant. Sexual harassment, if I have it correctly, means unwelcome advances from one person to another with the sometimes veiled threat that the unwilling party will not advance in their career if they don’t bestow sexual favors on the other person.
POSTED AUG. 24, 1998
Jane F., 38, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a woman who voted for Clinton twice and would do it again … I’m a strong believer in battling sexual harassment, but what Clinton did is not sexual harassment. He had an “affair,” consensual sex. It’s between him, his wife and their daughter. I didn’t choose him to be my husband, but my president. As long as he does a good job, what he does in his personal life is irrelevant. He’s not the first president to have an affair; far from it. I would feel the same way if it were a Republican.
POSTED AUG. 24, 1998
Christina <frankieox@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I feel the individuals who belong to these groups are liberals first and feminists second. There first commitment is to liberalism.
POSTED AUG. 24, 1998
Frank, 48, <Maximo@aug.com>, St. Augustine, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Unwelcome advances are one part of the definition of sexual harassment. The rest of the definition involves whether Monica Lewinsky received benefits in the workplace that were not available to those who did not have (consensual) sex with the President. It’s not just the small trinkets. She was given a paid position in first the White House and then the Pentagon. A $600-and-hour lawyer (Vernon Jordon) tried to get her a job at Revlon. This is the same Monica who was painted by the White House earlier this year as a nut and slut, bimbo, and someone completely untrustworthy. Clinton also used his position as President to “wow” a 22-year-old intern. Had he been Joe Blow on the street, it would have been merely crude of him. As her superior, he took advantage of her awe.

If Clinton can lie to the courts (perjury), why can’t everyone else? Because he’s the President? We do not have a constitutional monarchy. He swore to uphold the laws and the constitution of the United States and failed to do so. He has no moral character.
POSTED AUG. 25, 1998
J. Storm, female, Salem, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
When I read and hear various people defending the President’s behavior, I can’t help but feel I have walked through the looking glass and am surrounded by people who are totally balmy in wonderland. Are they immoral, amoral or just plain stupid? This was a 21-year-old girl and the 50-year-old President of the United States. He has disgraced the office of the presidency and also the nation.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
W. Steele <Scheyern1@AOL.COM>, West Chester, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
While I am displeased with the President’s behavior as well, I think it is important to remember that he was testifying in a spurious civil lawsuit that should never have been allowed to proceed against a sitting president. Although I would certainly prefer that Mr. Clinton be honorable enough to have kept his marriage vows, he should never have been put in such a position in the first place. Some of the best presidents in our history have been imperfect husbands, but they were also not the subject of an interminable, politically motivated investigation. And one last reason for continuing to support Mr. Clinton: If he steps down, and Al Gore is investigated for fund-raising activities, the next in line for the presidency is Newt Gingrich. Kind of puts everything in a new perspective, doesn’t it?
POSTED SEPT. 16, 1998
Terry, 35, female <maggiemay@gwsinc.com>, Richmond , VA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
There is a difference between sexual harassment and consensual sexual relationships. I certainly feel for Hillary and Chelsea, since they are the real victims in this situation. I am a Democrat and would feel the same if a Republican were in the same situation, assuming he had worked for women’s rights just as fervently as our president. Clinton made a terrible, ugly mistake, and he is a very lucky man to have Hillary still standing by him. The thing is, for all of his philandering, he has done more for the cause of women than any other president. Because of that I will stand behind him.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
Rachel, white female, 20 <rachel_kennedy@yahoo.com>, Denver, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I think women are smarter on this issue. They see what he is doing in his private life as separate from his performance as president. There have been many presidents who have had liasons with women, such as JFK, who have not lost their popularity when this is exposed after the fact. Certainly Clinton is not the first president, or man for that matter, to lie about extramarital affairs. Also, I would like to know why there aren’t more questions about what Monica was doing, by her choice, with a married man. I would like to find anybody who could survive this level of invasion, and not have some skeletons in their closets.
POSTED SEPT. 19, 1998
Brian, gay, 33 <silvblue18@aol.com>, Valley Cottage, NY
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THE QUESTION:
GE65: Why do many females seem to hold things that men did to them in the past against the men they are currently seeing?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
M.M., 44, single white male, CA

ANSWER 1:
I have come to believe it is not so much holding another man�s actions against the man she is currently seeing, as being reminded of old pain by the current beau�s actions. I think perhaps it makes sense to try to find out how a woman has been hurt before (how you do that without bringing up memories, I don�t know) and try twice as hard to avoid doing the same things, while trying very hard to avoid new mistakes. I also think emotional pain fades over time for a man, while that betrayal stays fresh for a very long time for a woman.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
Gordon, 31, single white male
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THE QUESTION:
GE64: If a girl or woman has a lot of arm hair, is it considered very unattractive? How do people generally feel about female arm hair when it is very visible?
POSTED AUG. 17, 1998
H. Smyth, 16, female <WhtStar2@aol.com>, Seattle, WA

ANSWER 1:
I’ve never quite understood why women bothered to shave any body hair. Certainly the standards of beauty perpetrated by the manufacturers of beauty products and cosmetics encourage the idea that hair is unattractive, but I couldn’t be bothered to wear a wig just because I’m bald.
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Al, 58, male, <alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky Mount, NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
When I was your age (possibly younger), I worried a lot about the dark hair on my arms. I even shaved them once. As I got older, I stopped thinking about it altogether. If your arm hair really makes you self-conscious, you might try some bleaching cream (don’t shave your arms!). Otherwise, don’t worry about it. You’ll grow out of it, and it’s not likely that anyone notices. A word of advice though: If you have a mustache as well, definitely get rid of it. Men do notice, and people will say things about it. I read recently that the No. 1 turn-off for men was facial hair. I seriously doubt if it’s No. 1, but it kind of puts things in perspective.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Female, 24, Knoxville, TN
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THE QUESTION:
GE63: To feminists of the ’60 and ’70s-era: Are you envious that women of today can be for women’s rights but still express their sexuality?
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Jaimie W., 20s, multicultural female, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
We could, and did, “express our sexuality.” I’m not sure what you mean by that phrase. In my opinion, our personal freeness (politically and socially) expressed far more sexuality than Wonderbras or lipstick. We certainly weren’t androgynous, though! Natural, yes. Unfeminine, no.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Mona, 51, Austin , TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Since sexual liberation and the sexual revolution began and were brought to full bloom during the ’60s, I’m really confused by your question. Do you think there used to be a conflict between expressing your sexuality and supporting women’s rights? As a feminist for several decades, I believe they go hand in hand, because women’s rights most specifically include their right to express, discover, claim and honor their sexuality. Please elaborate further. I’m curious!
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Joan, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am puzzled by your assumption that we had to sacrifice sexual self-expression to be feminists in the ’70s. In those days, I knew plenty of people – myself included – who thought a liberated woman was the sexiest thing going! The world was not as hostile to our cause as you might have imagined. In my experience, any woman who gave up being loving, having relationships and feeling sexy “for the cause” was giving up a whole lot more than she had to.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Anna, 48, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Jaimie W. responds: I’d like to clarify my question: I wasn’t trying to suggest that exploring “femininity” and sexuality were not major parts of a feminist dialogue. What I wanted to know was if people have noticed changes in the way women have expressed their sexuality in society in the last few years. It seems to me that when women were shying away from that ’50s concept of what a “good woman” was supposed to be, feminists were reluctant to hold on to any “traditional” concepts of feminity. Then it seemed as if women had to adopt a masculine persona to rise in the work place. It seemed as if female sexuality and the acquistion of power in society were butting heads. That is, can I love decorating the house, baking bread and raising children, and still be a female role model? I think in the ’90s, the answer is yes. We have managed to comfortably integrate sexuality at home and at work and remain true to our ideals. Who we are at home and who we are at work no longer have to be separate identities. What do you think?
POSTED AUG. 18, 1998
Jaimie W., 23, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I don’t think feminists so much adopted “a masculine persona to rise in the workplace” in the ’60s and ’70s as much as corporate America tended to promote women who seemed to “fit in” with the established male-dominant corporate culture. Quite often being talented, assertive and career-oriented was (and sometimes still is) perceived as a “masculine” behavior pattern, rather than simply as competent professional behavior. While women both then and now still prefer to be evaluated on our job performance and competency and not on feminity or sexuality, corporate America seems to have broadened their vision to realize that competent women come in many varieties.

“Who we are at home and who we are at work no longer have to be separate identities” is more true for straight feminists than lesbian feminists. While straight feminists of the ’60s and ’70s ran more risk of being labeled lesbianfor breaking gender role stereotypes than today, today’s lesbian feminists still have no federal law and few state laws to protect us from arbitrary dismissal in the workplace.
POSTED AUG. 20, 1998
DykeOnByke, 48, lesbian feminist <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GE62: How do women honestly feel when they look at a guy they like and he doesn’t care the least about them?
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Sat <hwueish@hotmail.com>, San Jose, CA

ANSWER 1:
It depends on how I’m feeling, what the situation is and a thousand other things. My feelings could be anything from warm admiration if it’s someone who doesn’t have any reason to care about me (say someone I know distantly and admire) to hurt, annoyed or p—-d off.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Catherine, 25 <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA
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THE QUESTION:
GE61: How do women feel about the fact that men in general are physically stronger than women? Do you like being weaker, do you wish you were stronger, or is it something you never think about?
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Mark N., 40 <marknew742@aol.colm>, London, UK

ANSWER 1:
The only time I ever think about it is when I can’t get the pickle jar open by myself. Then it’s handy to have a tough guy around!
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour , WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Your question implies that you think of physical strength in only one way, i.e. physical force. I wonder if you would consider women less physically strong if you had ever experienced child birth. Statistics also support that women live longer and to date have suffered less health problems such as heart attacks. There are other measures of strength as well that would challenge your assumption. However, I also disagree with your assumption that men are stronger in regard to their physical force than women. It really depends on the individuals in question. I am only 5 feet, and I really never think about myself as being weaker than men. I am weaker than a lot of women, too. With the exception of being physically attacked or climbing Mount Everest, what difference does it make? I have so many other strengths that empower me in life that I don’t much care how much weight I can lift.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Linda G., 48, female, San Jose, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I try not to think about the generalization of differences. All men are not stronger than all women. Everyone has their peak condition. Physically, an average woman excels over an average man in many areas, but these areas haven’t been noticed, studied or valued until recently. If your question only regards brute force, or muscle expression, that’s only one piece of many physical “strengths.” I think there are many ways to express the physical strengths that are necessary throughout each person’s life. You could say that physical longevity is a strength that women generally have over men.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Sarah, 27, Stillwater, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a male, 5′ 9″, about 220 very strong pounds (not completely solid, but solid enough). In college I studied Judo under a woman who was 5′ 3″ or so, 110 pounds soaking wet. She could have killed me and I would have been powerless to stop it without some form of projectile weapon. She frequently used me as a demonstration dummy as I was visibly very beefy. When she did this she would lie on her back and tell me to attack her, and I would do this as best I could, and invariably I would end up in whatever arm-bar or choke-hold she said she would put me in.
POSTED AUG. 27, 1998
Bakum, white male, <bakum@bigfoot.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
For the most part, men do tend to be stonger physically than women. (I know there are exceptions). I personally enjoy a man’s physical strength (among many other things). There are many things that, in my opinion, make a man “manly” and a woman “womanly” – everything from physical attributes (some more obvious than others), to the way they move, talk, think, etc. Nothing’s more attractive to me than when a man can express his “manliness” by lending his strength to help with certain tasks. I don’t view physical strength in a man as a “must,” but I definitely do appreciate it when it’s there. I guess I’m a young person with somewhat old-fashioned thoughts – “The man in you brings out the woman in me” kind of thing. I love and appreciate the things that make a man a man and a woman a woman.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Amy, 27, straight white female, Chicago, IL
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