Home / Archives / Gender Questions 31-40

Gender Questions 31-40

THE QUESTION:
GE40: What is the overall opinion of people sleeping together on the first date or the initial encounter? As a man, I would surely sleep with a woman given the chance, but I would have a real problem forming any kind of solid relationship with her.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Pasquale, 30, male <Pasquale@homedics.com>, Dearborn, MI

ANSWER 1:
My husband and I were casual acquaintances when we first had sex – we hadn’t even been dating. Not surprisingly, we were both slightly intoxicated at the time. The next day we had a really honest, frank discussion about why we did it, how we felt about our potential relationship and whether we felt having sex was a mistake. This is a key point – being honest about each other’s future intentions. Since that night, he and I have spent every possible minute together; we dated for three years after that and have been married one year. I don’t recommend having sex on the first “date” – we were just very lucky to be so compatible afterwards.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Stef H., white female, Norfolk, Va

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t let myself get into bed with a woman unless I am certain I could be comfortable with a long-term relationship with her. Physical intimacy is something I am looking for in a long-term relationship, so if I slept with a woman on the first date, she obviously swept me off my feet. In general, women’s and men’s personalities are not different in that respect. You have the “shy, silent” types and you have the “date-em and dump-em” types on both sides. Women can exhibit the same traits that men stereotypically have shown for generations. If you are basing a relationship only on sleeping or not sleeping with someone, then you have to evaluate your priorities of what you want in a relationship. I’m looking for someone who is a close friend, but also knows the value of intimacy.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Dan, 27, white, college educated <dan_linder@yahoo.com>, Omaha, NE

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
If a woman or a man wants to have a sexual encounter on the first date, there is nothing wrong with it. Having sex on a first date is not a commitment to anything other than having a good time on a first date. I think in our culture, we place too much emphasis on sex. Sex is to be enjoyed for the pure physical pleasure of it. Why does there have to be a commitment or an emotional attachment to it? If, having sexual encounters with a partner, a relationship forms, this is a bonus. However, to have sex for the pure enjoyment of sex is a go in my book as long as it is safe sex and the partners protect themselves from an unwanted pregnancy.
POSTED JAN. 21, 1999
Sher S., female, 52 <sherri.shepherd@reichhold.com>, Raleigh, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Gee Sher, where were you when I was single? Seriously, Sher is somewhat right: Society does impose a lot of hang-ups on sex. Always has. And there’s a reason for it: Sex is more than just physical pleasure; it’s an emotionally entangling act. Frankly, you should know a whole lot about who you’re going to get entangled with than you can find out in the course of one date. I also believe that if you are going enjoy the act, you should also be ready to accept and take responsibility for all of its possible consequences. No amount of birth control is foolproof, save abstinence; condoms do not provide full protection against AIDS and other diseases. I feel sex is something special that should be shared between two loving partners with their eyes open; it is not something to be treated as casually as a handshake.
POSTED APRIL 7, 1999
Dan H., liberal moralist, Charlottesville, VA
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE39: Should a person reveal a promiscuous sexual history to a future mate? If so, at what point in or before the relationship? Does promiscuity matter if the behavior is no longer being done? And finally, is it looked upon worse for a woman or a man to have been promiscuous?
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Sherri C., 24, single straight female, squeak@connected.bc.ca, Campbell River, British Columbia, Canada

ANSWER 1:
I think promiscuous behavior should be discussed (as opposed to �revealed,� which sounds more negative) for two reasons: One, we live in a world where infectious diseases are transmitted by sex. Promiscuity increases the chances of that happening. Two, it is a matter of trust. To get such a past out in the open is better than having it come out in other ways (rumors, etc.) As to when, it should probably happen before the relationship becomes sexual. As for men and women being judged differently, I think women are usually judged harshly for it, while men are considered manlier for it. One of too many double standards. Finally, I believe a relationship is about the future. Both parties should know each other�s pasts, but not be judgmental about it.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Gordon P., 31 <gordon@albedodesign.com>, Sunnyvale, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Unless there are some other aspects to the promiscuity that you didn’t mention (you have a kid, a sexually transmitted disease, you were abused as a child, etc.), I say stick with the phrase, “More mystery, less history.” Just dropping such information into a relationship certainly isn’t going to help you get closer to anyone. Let ’em wonder.
POSTED SEPT. 5 ,1998
Erik, 24 <ekrav@nicom.com>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I believe in honesty in a relationship, but if something is truly in the past and a person is no longer promiscuous and has been tested negative for all STDs, I’d think twice before saying anything. Personally, I don’t think I would want to know. That kind of information might just haunt me or make me feel unsteady in the relationship, or jealous. I wouldn’t lie about it. But if it really is in the over-and-done-with past, telling might not be the best in every situation. Find out if your partner really wants to know.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jessica, white female, 26, bisexual <jessica@pioneeris.net>, N , NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE38: If a married man is not having the frequency of sexual relations with his wife that he would like, is it OK to seek out other married women in the same situation for consensual sex?
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
A.D., Sopchoppy, FL

ANSWER 1:
I’m my opinion, no. But then I’m not married to you. Traditionally, marriage means monogamy. What does your wife think? Hers is the opinion that counts.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Used to be wild, now married and monogamous no matter what, Long Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Unless you married your wife solely for sex, why would you even consider doing this? I suggest speaking to your wife and letting her know your unhappiness with the frequency of lovemaking. You never know, she may be dissatisfied as well and want to try to rekindle the spark. Perhaps a marriage counselor who specializes in sex therapy would be helpful as well. Oh, and if my husband ever did that to me, he’d be divorced in a heartbeat. Make sure you are willing to lose her before thinking with your other “brain.”
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Kris, 23, white married female, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I feel it’s absolutely not OK in this day and age, for several reasons: 1) Sexual promiscuity of any kind can be deadly to you and others, married or not. 2) It is dishonest and morally incorrect if you really care for your mate. 3) Put yourself in the shoes of the other. Would you have them do that to you?
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Vickie, Mililani, HI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think it would depend on whether your marriage is focused on sex or not. If there is something deeper than a purely sexual component to the marriage, then it would seem a breach of trust to go elsewhere. However, that is an answer based on the idea of marriage as a sacrament, etc. Sometimes spouses do not care about that kind of thing. But here’s something to consider: If you are doing it behind her back, then there is a reason you do not want her to know, and that implies that you already know that she would definitely not approve (as I would expect). You have to ask yourself, “How important are my marriage vows?” before you can really have a good answer to your question.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
John K., 24, straight white male <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
If you’re not satisfied with the sexual aspect of your marriage, you should talk with your wife and work on it. If necessary, get some outside counseling. Chances are, there’s something else that’s bothering your wife and resulting in her lack of interest in frequency of sex. I think most marriages have times when one or the other partner is more or less interested in sex. It’s one of the things that goes into the “good times and bad” part of the vows.
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
Cindy, 42, divorced white female, <cabernet@teleport.com>, Hillsboro, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
No.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
Jess and Heather <drsc0tt@aol.com>, New York, NY
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE37: If females can file suit to join male sports teams, shouldn’t males be allowed to file suit to enter traditionally female sports and teams? Or should we do away with a gender qualification completely? If that were the case, then performance and ability would be the only criteria for acceptance.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Marty, 51, male, Martysus@ix.netcom.com, Mission Viejo, CA

ANSWER 1:
In an ideal world that’s exactly the way things should work. Our world is, and has been, struggling for a racial, sexual and otherwise balanced equality in sports, the job market, armed services, etc. ad infinitum. In regard to race, people’s abilities are all the same, except for our individual differences. But men and women, as a rule, still vary greatly in regard to physical abilities. This is why, I believe, we have separate men’s and women’s leagues – so each sex can have appropriate competitors to play against. Only in rare instances are women able to compete equally with men. Our society finds the few women able to play at the men’s level hard to accept. So these women are having to push the limits, in court if necessary. In some instances, it might be appropriate for a man to sue to play on a women’s team, for example, if there were not a men’s team available for him to play on. How about traditionally female events, like water ballet? But then, how would a muscular, hairy man’s leg look sticking up out of the water with a dozen women’s legs?
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
38, female, worked in non-traditional fields, Long Beach, CA
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE36: Why do men have nipples? I have asked this question of many people, and even doctors couldn’t tell me.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Lee, 35, white, Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
Nipples are an integral part of what makes the male body aesthetically pleasing. That is the best I can come up with, and it’s good enough for me.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I honestly don’t know. Even my male dog has them. Don’t you think you would look rather odd without them, though?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C. <eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The differences between male and female anatomy are not as great as we think. All of us are female in the early stages of fetal development; only after a hormone siege in pre-natal development do some of us become male. So men have nipples because it is a human trait (mammalian) and not a secondary sex difference like a hairy chest.
POSTED AUG. 28, 1998
Max M. <qteacher@pacbell.net>,Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
From what I understand, and I have no medical background, men have nipples because they are still a source of sexual stimulus. I suppose as time goes on and less men are in touch with their sensitivity in this area, nipples may eventually be selected out of the general population. I know that my boyfriend has extremely sensitive nipples and they are a source of pleasure for him.
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
20, female <taraslo@aol.com>, Central Coast, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
First let me say that I am not a doctor and that this answer will be vague, but with the hope that it may spark a discussion on this topic, as I think it is an interesting one. I believe that male nipples stem from the fact that we all start life in the womb as hermaphrodites (both sex organs) and somewhere in our development one set of organs recedes (a woman’s clitoris is actually the remnants of a penis), thus defining our gender. Why the nipples do not recede (because they serve no apparent purpose on men) I do not know. Why do we still have appendices? I think that eventually evolution may do away with the male nipple in the same fashion that it has shrunk our appendix. Again, this is supposition (based on some fact). If I am off-base, I would love to know the facts from an expert. Is there a doctor in the house?
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
D.S., male <dash@netside.com>, Columbia, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Men and women’s bodies are something like 99+ percent the same, so it’s no surprise that they have nipples in common. However, the exact reaons for this are complicated, and I’ll leave it up to an evolutionary human biologist to answer. Related thoughts to ponder, however: Did you know that men also have a vestigial uterus? Also, did you know that in the womb, all fetuses start out the same, formed essentially as female, and that sex differentiation comes only after a number of weeks?
POSTED DEC. 15, 1998
Wendy D., 23, white <wiebke@juno.com>, Atlanta, GA
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE35: Director’s paraphrase: DDD of Santa Cruz, Calif., feels that adult men caught having sex with underage girls face more legal problems than adult women caught having sex with underage boys. He’d like to know why this is, and whether it constitutes discrimination.
POSTED JUNE 5, 1998

ANSWER 1:
In a society where women generally prefer older men, consent with a minor male is very rare compared to that of consent with a minor female. Additionally, there are many more single males desperate for mates than single women who are likewise.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Christopher D., 22 <alphacentuari@mindspring.com>, Arlington, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
There may be a double-standard in this regard, but the double-standard is there for a good reason: A woman cannot have sexual intercourse with a boy unless he has an erection, and is therefore (by definition) a willing participant. On the other hand, an adult male can have intercourse with a young girl without her consent. So, consent is a big part of the issue. For another thing, an underage girl who becomes pregnant by an adult male may be forced to drop out of school, and may be doomed to a life of welfare and poverty. An adult woman impregnated by a teenage boy has a lesser problem.
POSTED JUNE 19, 1998
Astorian <Astorian@aol.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Astorian: Being erect may indicate sexual arousal, but it does not indicate consent. When I was going through puberty, I would become erect at the slightest thought or touch. It did not matter where I was or who I was with. This caused me much embarrassment, but it did not mean I wanted to have sex with whoever happened to be around during that time. Sex requires informed consent, and without consent it is rape. It does not matter that the male is erect or that he ejaculates. If he does not consent, it is rape. Just as if a women does not consent, it is rape.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
S.D., 23, black gay male, Oakland , CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To S.D.: It is literally (and legally) impossible for a woman to rape a man. Rape is defined as the unconsensual penetration of a female by a male. Thus a woman cannot rape a man. This is, for the most part, because it is only very rare that a man would be violently opposed to consenting to sex, emotionally frightened or distraught, and still be able to maintain an erection. I agree with Astorian.
POSTED SEPT. 22, 1998
Andrew, male, 18 <the13thtongue@yahoo.com>, Wellington, New Zealand

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think it is definitely discrimination, and that it is just as much a crime for an adult woman to have sex with a young boy as it is for a man to have sex with a young girl. A 13- or 14-year-old boy is incapable of providing consent, or of really understanding the possible consequences of his actions, erection or not. It is also not right for these adult women to get pregnant by these children, and then once they turn 18, sue the boys they raped for child support.
NOV. 2, 1998
Lisa B., 24 <leesann@yahoo.com>, Laredo, TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE34: Why do some people (not just women) insist the toilet seat be lowered? Doesn’t it make more sense to leave it up? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into restrooms without a urinal and would not dare touch the toilet seat. It seems it would be more sanitary to lower the seat, do your business and then raise it back up, thereby eliminating the possibility of making a mess.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Jeff C., Raleigh, NC

ANSWER 1:
If the select few males who seem to be incapable of urinating without going all over the seat didn’t do that, this issue would probably go away.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
A.E. <ACEidson@email.msn.com>, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
If you have to sit down to use the toilet, you don’t want to sit down on the rim in the dark and start to fall in. A most unpleasant experience at 2 a.m.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Jessica <jessicalh@hotmail.com>, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think there are two reasons: First, three-fourths of the time, the person using the toilet is sitting down. Men stand when they urinate, but sit when they defecate. Women sit for both. So the lid only needs to be up for a fourth of the “toilet activity.” The other reason may be that it is a real rude awakening when you stumble into the bathroom at 3 a.m. sit down and fall in.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Allison, 33 <alnshawn@aol.com>, Mission Viejo, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Jeff, there was a time that I totally agreed with you. But you’d be wise to make it a habit, especially if you share a place. My wife always nagged me about putting the seat down. It wasn’t until I needed to use the john in the middle of the night that I fell into the toilet! I’d neglected to put the seat down prior to going to bed.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Bill, 39, analyst <billinvt@aol.com>, Burlington, Vt

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To Jessica, Allison and Bill: I thought what Jeff said made a lot of sense. After reading your answers, though, I have changed my way of thinking. From now on, I will leave the seat up and leave the light on.
POSTED AUG. 9, 1998
Sithon, white male <sithon@hotmail.com>, Smalltown, MS

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To Jessica, Allison, and Bill: I have never gone to the toilet in the middle of the night without turning on the lights (seat up or seat down), and short of an electrical power failure can foresee no circumstance where I would need to do my business in complete darkness. I can guarantee you I will not be falling into the toilet anytime soon. Is this just another cultural custom I am not used to? Is this practice common? Doing anything in complete darkness seems not to be the most intelligent thing, given an alternative.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Dave W., Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Wait a minute. What about about equality? If the male must be responsible for lifting the seat, the woman should be responsible for making sure it’s down. It should be a shared burden, not a one-way deal.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Rick D., 39, white male, Denver, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
If more men had to clean up the toilet area, perhaps the more obvious answer might become the routine practice: Put the seat down and leave it down. Toilets are not wall urinals. A toilet is meant to sit on – this includes men. If you have to pee, just sit down and do it. The seat is always down, and everyone is happy. Relax.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Rob, 45, Upstate, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I’m sorry, but I have to ask, How oblivious do you have to be to fall into a toilet? Do you walk through a door before making sure it is open? Do you pick up a tennis ball, assume it is an apple and start eating? In all my years, I have never been so tired, careless or in such a hurry to sit down that I did not check to make sure there was something to sit on. Also, why would you choose to do this in the dark?
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Jeremy, 23, white <jeremyjw@engin.umd.umich.edu>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
This should only be an issue in cases where the toilet has a seat, but no lid. Everyone I know was taught to close the toilet (seat and lid) when finished with it. If you always expect to lift the lid, you are always sure whether the seat is up or down. As a parent of a small child, I would never dream of leaving a toilet open. This is an invitation for a toddler to drown. Many young children die each year by drowning in toilets.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
G.B., RI

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I’m a male, and it bothers me when the women who visit me leave the toilet seat up. I’m not talking about the lid that is sat on to use the toilet, I’m talking about the cover. Why do I like both toilet seats down? It helps to keep what I put my bare behind on free of dust, keeps me from dropping toiletries (especially my toothbrush) in the toilet, and keeps the bathroom free of that faint toilet water smell. My female guests can’t seem to get the idea that I like a “closed” toilet when not in use. I’m sure I’m not the only male who puts the first toilet seat down after use.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
A.N., male, <Thohts@thevortex.com>, Chicago, IL
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE33: Why do many men, when talking to either a male or female, stretch the truth about what they are talking about to make it sound more exciting, even if it already is?
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
K. Prickett, 41, female, Mistysnow2@aol.com, Vero Beach, FL

ANSWER 1:
My experience is that embellishments come from social positioning, i.e. the need for security through power. If I have juicy information you want or need, I have power over you. With maturity comes security and less need to let my ego puff up my chest and tell big stories or to gossip.
Todd H., 37, male <thoida@cisco.com>, Fountain Valley, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’m certain that when a man stretches the truth in this manner, it is indicative of low self-esteem. My husband tells outrageous stories in an effort to impress others. I try to let it go for the most part. Sometimes, it seems as though my intelligence is being tested. If I were to pretend as though I believed a story I knew was not true, it would make me feel like a sucker. Sometimes you just have to tell people (and believe me I have): “Stop lying to me! Do you think I’m some kind of idiot?” Be warned, though, if you do this, the man will likely swear that the story is true and then embellish it more in an effort to prove his point. It’s almost hopeless. On a lighter note, my husband did stop telling his crazy stories to me – he just tells them to everyone else now!
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Married female, 24, Knoxville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a relatively honest person (I think) but I always catch myself exaggerrating when I tell a story to make it sound better. Sometimes I lie before I’ve thought about it, just for the sake of being funny or dramatic. I hate it, but I think many people (male and female) have this problem.
POSTED JAN. 4, 1999
S.R. white female, 20, San Antonio , TX
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE32: To men 25 to 35: How would you feel, after the initial shock wore off, if you found out that the woman you were dating had never slept with anyone? If you got along before you found out, would you still want to date her?
POSTED MAY 25, 1998
Meg, 28, MI

ANSWER 1:
I believe most men would be thrilled that they are with someone who has taken the unpopular road of waiting for the right person. If you are asking this question because you have waited, then good for you. You will be glad you did when you find that perfect person, and you will.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Kevin, Livonia, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I married a woman who had a similar background. I would be curious to know a woman’s reasons for not having sex, to determine whether this reflected her values or a potentially significant hang-up that might persist after the wedding. If it’s the former, more power to her. If the latter, perhaps some therapy would be in order if I loved everything else about her.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Dan, 34 <dnh6n@virginia.edu>, Charlottesville, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In my relationships with women, I have not met one who was a virgin. Men usually feel intimidated about this. Consider yourself lucky. I would have definitely preferred my wife to be a virgin!
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Matt, 26, Polk, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Having years of experience in any field does not automatically imply competence. We see this all the time in the careers of our choice. The focus of my concern as a single male would rather fall on the quality of the relationship and whether there was genuine passion and commitment. Issues of sexuality, finances and personal lifestyles are serious, but ones that can be worked through, given the right partnership. I think you might reconsider the kind of boyfriend you wish to find. If he wants nothing but a physical relationship, it may be more rewarding for you to try to meet someone more suited to your beliefs.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Gary K., 32, single male <garykuo@earthlink.net>, Van Nuys, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I would continue to be interested. I can’t say that I wouldn’t be frustrated when I got aroused, but I would continue the relationship. I never encountered this situation, but if it had occurred and I was interested in the woman for more than a temporary relationship (that would basically require sex) then I would endure the frustration of not being able to fulfill my sexual desires.
POSTED JUNE 2, 1998
Eric K., 33, ericred@aol.com, Pensacola, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
How would I feel? I guess it would depend on her reasons. I am of the opinion that being selective in your partner is a good and safe thing, and if you haven’t found the right person for that, then you should be commended for living up to yourself. As to whether it would affect how we got along: I don’t see why it should make a difference. Who you might or might not have slept with does not necessarily make you who you are.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
David B., DHBrantner@worldnet.att.net, St. Petersburg, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I’m not officially not qualified to answer this question, but what’s in a year? I do not care if the woman I am dating has never slept with a man before. If I like someone enough to date her, I don’t care about those things. There is more to life than sex.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
HEvaRe, 24, male, The Netherlands

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
There would be no initial shock. In fact, upon finding out, there would be nothing but admiration that a woman in her twenties, in this day and age, had the discipline to maintain her virginity. I would not only continue to date her, I would probably want to get more serious.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
J. Franklin, 27, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I would be pleased and relieved, as virginity is a characteristic I look for in a potential relationship. I am not being hypocritical here, as I happen to be a virgin myself and intend to stay so until I marry.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Scott, 35, male, sjholder@earthlink.net, Midway City, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I would absolutely continue dating a woman if I found out she had never slept with anyone. It’s definitely safer if we were to eventually end up having sex. Besides, if I were interested only in the sex, I wouldn’t have been around long enough to find out that you never had had it.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Bryon K., Klangfarbo@aol.com, Reno, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I find it odd you would think a man would stop dating a woman because she was a virgin. I started dating my wife because I enjoyed being with her. When I found out she was a virgin, it did not shock me at all. We got married 1 1/2 years later. I think a person might be a little intrigued finding a virgin, but knowing her, her family and friends, I knew my wife was normal. I believe if a man breaks up with a woman solely for that reason, he may be lacking in character, or the relationship was not going well to begin with and he needed a reason to let go.
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Robert S., 31, Modesto, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
If you think I’d be shocked, then I don’t think you’re considering the multitude of people who are “saving themselves,” or who are just in solid control of their hormones. I would respect the individual more, not for being a virgin, but generically for upholding the values they believe in. My wife was not a virgin, but “experience” was a non-issue. I married her for who she is.
POSTED JUNE 4, 1998
Mark S., 35, software@treo-relo.com, Irvine, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
That exact thing happened to me, and I loved it! I met her when I was 24 and she was 23 and, after dating for a while, we both “admitted” to being virgins.If anything, that made me desire her even more! (We were both saving ourselves for marriage). It was wonderful! I had almost given up on finding somebody else with my values. (We were even able to wait another seven months until we got married.) The best thing about it is that we don’t have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, “complications” from other relationships or comparing each other to somebody else. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Steve W., 28, white, steve_warner@vantive.com, San Jose, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
1) I would not be shocked. I guess my social environment leads me to consider that an unmarried woman may well be a virgin. 2) I would consider it evidence for her strength of character. 3) I would consider her more desirable considering the current disease epidemics. 4) I would consider it something we have in common (if I were virgin) or wonder if I had been wasting my life (if I were not a virgin). In short, if a woman thinks that the men she meets would consider her less worthy because of virginity, then she should find a different social circle. Virginity, no matter what the reason, is not a crime.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
C. Pepmiller, 40, married at 25, craig@more.net, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I can speak from experience since I married my wife at age 29 and she was still a virgin. I thought (and still think) that it is great. It makes me feel special that she chose to wait for that special person. At first, it was difficult because it was like “teaching,” but after I realized she was receptive to “instruction,” things have been great. Hold out!
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Aaron, 32, Las Vegas, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I would be much more open to it at 36 than I was at 30. I’ve learned more about sex and making love in my 30s than I did in my teens and 20s. I would see some red flags, but the orgasm issue could answer that, i.e. have you had an orgasm via masturbation or oral sex. I travel quite a bit in my job and as a result it is difficult to maintain a steady relationship, so I date many friends, some I sleep with now or have in the past, but most are just friends. I find that when I’m with one girl for an extended period, we gravitate towards more passion, then heavy petting and making love. It seems to be a natural course that two people who enjoy each other take. If a woman had not found this, I would be suspect as to why. In closing, sex/making love is something that gets better with communication, experience and experimentation. At 28 you would need someone more open to emotionally support you with this than someone who is just looking to be the one to deflower you.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Danier B., danabal@earthlink.com, Corona, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I’d feel like I’d found a diamond in the rough. That girl just got even more attractive to me. That’s the kind of girl you want to spend your life with.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Bob, 29, Little Rock, AR

FURTHER NOTICE 17:
I don’t think shocked is the appropriate word. Intrigued would be more appropriate. I definitely would ask why she has not had sex. Specifically, about her father, religious background and/or siblings. If the woman was defensive when asked why, I would be extremely cautious about continuing the relationship. If we got along well before knowing, I don’t see a reason for not seeing her in the future, unless something peculiar from the above questions arose.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
W.M., 27, davidg@allenmachinery.com, Vancouver, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 18:
I would feel I had been blessed to have found a virgin. I would have to applaud her for her self-control. I don’t think it would do anything to discourage our relationship; as a matter of fact, I think it would enhance it.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
J. Williams, 33, male, tbl5142@aol.com, Lakeland, FL
To respond
BACK TO TOP


THE QUESTION:
GE31: Director’s Paraphrase: N.H., an administrative assistant from Sterling Heights, Mich., would like to know why some employers treat single mothers differently from single fathers (i.e. reprimanding a single mother for taking time off, but not a single father), and whether this is considered discrimination.
POSTED MAY 23, 1998

ANSWER 1:
Company policy and procedure should be enforced according to Title VII of the Civil Rights Acts of 1964, which prohibits discrimination in all terms and conditions of employment on the basis of race, religion, ethnic group, sex or national origin. First, I suggest if you feel discrimination has occurred, address it (preferably in writing so that you have documentation) with your supervisor and Human Resource Director, if your company has one. If there is no improvement, you can contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, which enforces Title VII. I suggest you address the issue with your employer first because the EEOC will advise you to do so if you haven’t, and you might be able to remedy the situation yourself. If you contact the EEOC, it will investigate and determine if discrimination has occurred, and if so, will advise you on the next step.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
Certified professional in Human Resources, Lakeland, FL
To respond
BACK TO TOP

Check Also

Sexual Orientation Questions 31-40

THE QUESTION: SO40: Are there any specific reasons for the lisp many gay men have ...

Leave a Reply