Gender Questions 21-30

THE QUESTION:
GE30: My girlfriend always gets on my case for “checking out” other women. She told me recently that she thinks there are fewer good-looking guys than good-looking women. After paying closer attention, I almost agree. Does anyone else agree, or do males look more because we are hornier and/or just pay more attention?
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Jeremy, 19, white male <Jeremy@cac.net>, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
I agree: There are more good-looking women than men. I noticed this when I was in grade school, and again in the work force. If you even look at male models, most are not “handsome” but would instead be considered “good looking.” The only explanation I can think of is that more women are willing to work at being good looking than men are.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Men are basically visual and women are basically relational. Oh, and by the way, if you haven’t noticed, women aremore attractive than men, and everyone likes to look at good-looking things (i.e. art, cars, houses, etc.).
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Doug, 35, married white male, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
How does she know there are fewer good-looking or handsome men than women if she isn’t checking men out in the same way she is accusing you of checking out women? Tell her to get real and realize that men and women check out the opposite sex to compare or to just look.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Robert H., flash2@sunet.net, Vero Beach, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think women are socialized from a very young age to see their looks as the measure of their worth. Men, on the other hand, are socialized to get their self-esteem through other ways, such as the ability to earn a lot of money. This is not to say men don’t care about their looks or women don’t want anything but to be beautiful. It is just that these are areas our culture tends to reward us the most for, and we tend to glean our identity from these areas
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Joe, 32, San Bernardino, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I don’t think there are more “good-looking” women or men. I think it’s the way they present themselves. Men are more likely to dress in sloppier clothing, calling it “comfortable,” while women are more self-conscious of the way others perceive them. Ultimately, what makes you beautiful is what is on the inside, not the outside.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Tina, 30, divorced white female <NillaWfr67@aol.com>, Wixom, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The gender considered more physically beautiful is a social construct. This changes over time and across cultures. Today, in our culture, the female form is believed to be the vessel of beauty, but in ancient Rome, it was the male form that was considered most beautiful. Roman sculpture renders male beauty in intimate detail, while women’s figures are almost always draped in heavy robes – not because of feminine modesty, but because of the perception of what was beautiful.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
P.C., 28, Sunnyvale, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
There are more good-looking women than men because of makeup. It is normal to look at someone we find attractive – just try not to make it obvious.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Donna, 28 <DruBdoo3@aol.com>,Fernley, NV
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THE QUESTION:
GE29: My question is for men and women: I had a conversation with another woman stemming from a recent Sports Illustrated article titled “Where’s My Daddy?” She felt that if a woman got pregnant out of wedlock, it was solely her responsibility that she let it happen. I was floored. Whose responsibility do you think it is?
POSTED MAY 15, 1998
Armcrae, 34, black <armcrae@yahoo.com>, Washington, D.C.

ANSWER 1:
I think it would be both people’s responsibility. They were both there to make the baby. Now, if the women got pregnant on purpose and did not tell the guy about it, that would be different
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Guz, 29, white, Auburn, WA

FURTHER NOTICE:
It’s not solely her fault, but unfortunately, because a man can walk away from that responsibility and she can’t, she can end up assuming 100 percent responsibility. Notice I said responsibility, not fault.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Andrea, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don’t think there is anything wrong with having children outside of wedlock, though I think if a child results from a casual fling the responsibility of care should fall equally on the man and the woman. I don’t think it is wrong for a man or woman to have a casual affair, but your friend seems to think it is OK for a man and not a woman. I guess old-fashioned ideas die hard, even if they are extremely unfair.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Beth, Edinburgh, UK

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I definitely believe the man holds equal responsibility for a pregnancy – theoretically. Unfortunately, your friend’s answer is probably more reality-based. A woman is forced, both physically and emotionally, to accept and deal with an unwanted pregnancy. A man is not, and too often chooses not to deal with it or take responsibility. Women don’t have that choice. Ultimately, however, we all have to deal with the consequences of children growing up without fathers, and women having to raise children alone.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Jennifer, 29, Saline, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It takes two to make a baby, and two should raise it. Whether the child was born in or out of wedlock is not important, as neither is whether the parents are ever married. I raised my stepson from the age of three to adulthood. His biological mother never showed any interest in him, even when encouraged to do so. To this day, he still deals with this and the insecurities it has caused him.

If a man or woman is going to be mature enough to create a child, intended or not, he/she needs to be mature enough to take responsibility for that child whether the relationship continues. It is very important to the child’s well-being that he/she knows and is involved with both parents. Otherwise, the child is left to deal with feeling “unwanted” or “unworthy” by the parent who doesn’t want to share in his/her life. In short, both parties are responsible for that child, like it or not.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
B. Fickel, Fickelb@panacom.com or Fickelb@panacom.com, Panama City, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I feel preventing pregnancy is the responsibility of both partners. I also feel that a man who helps get a woman pregnant should be held responsible for his actions. The man in question should be granted visitation rights if he upholds his responsibilities. I believe putting all the responsibility on the woman belittles both partners.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Rich F., 32, male, pumafax@hotmail.com, Reno, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
No matter who comes knocking, the gatekeeper is responsible for who gets in. The female has full responsibility for getting pregnant. However, they share equal responsibility for the child.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
S.W.F., 28, cbrulet@unicom.net, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I think you missed the point of the article. While it focused heavily on the lack of responsibility by the men (who are just as responsible for the pregnancy and incredibly stupid, sometimes several times stupid), these women are headhunters pure and simple. This is how they do it: 1) Be a honey; 2) Wait for Mr. Stupid outside the locker room after the game; 3) His wife ain’t around and he noticed you; 4) If you are smart, you’ll do this coinciding with when you are the most fertile in your cycle; 5) Let him know in a couple of months that that one-night stand is going to cost him $11,000 a month (depending on size of his contract) for the next 18 years; and 6) Enjoy being portrayed as a victim in Sports Illustrated.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
39-year-old black female, Charleston, S.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
When men can become pregnant, they’ll have an equal share in the responsibility for contraception. Until then, if a woman has exclusive rights to her body, then she also has the exclusive responsibility for taking care of it, and for keeping faith with promises and decisions to which she has agreed on the subject of whether and when to get pregnant. Modern contraceptive devices like the Norplant and the improved, risk-free IUD make it easy for women to avoid getting pregnant. The appeal of victimology – blaming one group’s bad behaviors on another group – undermines the soul and society.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
J.L.C., single white male <colburnj@sprynet.com>, Laguna Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I will never understand how a woman “let” herself become pregnant. Was there no man involved (excluding artificial insemination)? How can one person be solely responsible for an act that takes two to perpetrate? The responsibility for the new life rests with the mother and the father of the child. If men do not want to be fathers, they should take responsibility for themselves by providing their own birth control. Period.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Catherine, black <ck007@juno.com>, Brooklyn, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I believe it is the female’s responsibility. We all make choices, and to have unprotected sex when the possibility of getting pregnant is there, is all under her control. She has the choice of saying yes or no on the event taking place. It’s called responsibility.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Jerry, 56, male <jersan@aol.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Although it does take two to make a baby, I believe women should take responsibility for their bodies. If a woman does not want to get pregnant there are many reliable contraceptive methods available to prevent this from happening. In the end, she desides what happens to her body, and therefore she decides if she uses contraception or not . If she chooses not to, it’s her fault.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
White Female <bonneyh@brampton.cqu.edu.au>, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
Everyone points out that both partners create a baby. Well, in this great era of a women being able to say no at any point, I say she had that choice. No means no, but yes means yes. If she had sex, she shouldn’t expect anything from the man. She has already taken from him what she needs. She has gotten pleasure. Feminists say they have a right to control their bodies. Well, it’s a woman’s mistake. In this modern world, I feel women control sex. Women aren’t expected to find men. Men come to them. They initiate the conduct. They make the decision to stop or proceed. If both people are naked and they are in bed and foreplay has begun, she can say “stop.” If she doesn’t, then she suffers. I say women should take responsibility for their actions. I am celibate, so I’m doing my part. I’m not saying men have no part in this. They need to take responsibility for themselves, too. But we should stop treating single mothers as victims. They are not. They are victims of their own stupidity, their own promiscuity. We should stop crying for them.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Smith, white male <Chrizzmith@aol.com>, Killeen, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
To J.L.C. of Laguna Beach: I think it’s a cop-out for you to excuse your sexual responsibility. If you enjoy sex, my man, you enjoy it with a woman, right? Well, it takes two to tango and two to make a pregnancy. You are as responsible as the woman in taking precautions. Norplant? IUDs? I do not want these things in my body.Would you? Men and women are equally responsible in preventing unwanted pregnancies. If one happens to find themselves in a situation in which they want a sexual encounter, it helps that the other partner is also prepared. Please rethink the issue of who’s responsible for preventing pregnancies. Your way of thinking is dangerous and self-centered. If you don’t want to be responsible, please don’t have sex.
POSTED JAN. 20, 1999
Sher S., 52, female <sherri.shepherd@reichhold.com>, Raleigh, NC
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THE QUESTION:
GE28: How do women feel about uncircumcised men? I know performance is not affected either way but would like to know if women view it as a turn-on or turn-off, or whether it makes no difference.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Stuart, Australia
(Similar question posted June 15, 1998, by Joshua, male, Tulsa, OK)

ANSWER 1:
I don’t how I’d feel if I were going to have sex with a man and he told me he was uncircumcised. I’d be wary because I’ve heard that bacteria that builds up under the foreskin causes cervical cancer.
POSTED MAY 21, 1998
Melissa, female, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Until my current boyfriend, I’d never seen an uncircumcised man. It’s true they can have more bacteria build-up, but if they bathe regularly, it shouldn’t be a problem. All things considered, it’s a turn-on for me: More stuff to do things to, you know.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
L.M., white female, Clearwater, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have been with both types of men. Both kept their genitalia very clean, and I was not turned off in the least. When they are aroused, there is absolutely no difference in the overall look. I have also heard that these types of men have more feeling in their penis. So, my response is no, we are not turned off. It is a little different at first, but once you get to know it, you will love it.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Dionna F., 27, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
In general, I don’t think women care whether a man is circumcised. My fiance is not circumcised, and it has never bothered me. When you consider the actual procedure, and what is done to the baby without anesthesia, I think it is better to not be circumcised. I know I wouldn’t do it to my son. To me, unless it is done for religious reasons, it seems cruel and unnecessary.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
A. Stevens, Santa Rosa, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It’s unnatural to be circumcised. Nature intended for men to be made the way they are and not be surgically altered. One would think it would be going against one’s civil rights to be cut for no life-saving medical reason – especially before you can decide for yourself.
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Barbara <weathers@west.net>, Santa Barbara, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE27: Are women more or less interested in men who have never dated?
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Scott S., 34, <gss@fair.net>, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
It depends on the woman. Some might view it as a challenge, while others would most likely assume there was something wrong with him. It also depends on the man’s age. A man of 25 who has never dated might be considered a little unusual, but he wouldn’t be viewed with the same wariness as a man of 40. If a friend of mine had never dated and wanted to start, I would probably advise him to be rather vague about his past dating experience or lack thereof, at least until he got to know someone well enough that it could be considered their business. “I never really had a lot of time for relationships” would be a safe type of answer.
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a 22-year-old female. I think it depends on why the man has never dated. If he has not dated because of his choice, that is one thing, but if he has not dated because of problems or situations, that could be tough. It is important that the man is honest, and if he is uncomfortable about his situation, then the right person has not come along.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Katie, 22, Kansas City, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would definitely be wary of dating a man who has never dated. I have learned a lot from my dating experiences. I have learned my strengths and weaknesses in relationships, and I have learned about compromise. I think my experience has prepared me for the future and for a permanent relationship. I don’t think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who still needs to learn some of the same lessons I have already learned.
POSTED AUG. 21, 1998
M.F., 21, female, Dallas, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE26: Why is it that you only hear jokes about dumb blondes, and not brunettes or redheads?
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Amie <Amie@aiis.net>, Marine City, MI

ANSWER 1:
My older sister (blonde) and I (brunette) have discussed this many times, and we have scientifically concluded that the stereotyping is mainly the result of the ’70s TV show Charlie’s Angels. Did you ever notice how the brunettes were more intelligent? Or how Kate Jackson showed less skin than Farah Fawcett or Cheryl Ladd? Have you ever noticed that TV and movies perpetuate these jokes? A horrid example is my favorite movie: The Last of the Mohicans. Cora (the brunette) survives Native American captivity and wilderness trials, while her weak, blonde sister commits suicide by jumping off a cliff.

My blonde sister is an engineer and is incredibly bright. She is delicate and tough at once and works in a male-dominated world. She doesn’t take these jokes personally and often has a funny retort of her own. If you really have a problem with the humor, ask yourself why. Is it because it is hitting too close to home – do you have low self-esteem? Think of all the legendary, brainy blondes, such as the first American woman in space!
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Sheila, 27, Tallahassee, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think this is because brunette and red-headed women are jealous of blondes. Blondes do have more fun! I am a very intelligent blonde who actually finds the jokes rather funny. I think blonde hair is the “All-American” look, and very desirable to most men; therefore, people are envious of what they cannot naturally attain.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
M.G., blonde, 26, female, Springfield, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It should be noted that there are other stereotypes based on hair color. For instance, I have always heard comments about how redheads are supposed to be extremely stubborn, rather passionate and promiscuous. I can name a number of women I have known who have dyed their hair red in order to give the impression they are wild and willing. Many changed their ways to fit the expectation.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
John K., 24, straight white male <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Why does it matter what color your hair is? It’s stupid to stereotype people by their hair color because that’s what they were born with. I don’t get why people dye their hair a certain color to get people to think of you as more wild or smarter. It’s just stupid. If a joke is funny, laugh at it.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
K.J., 14, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
That the stereotypical blonde is stupid has nothing to do with jealousy of anyone. They only wish that were true. It surely stems from the fact that blondes are more desirable to men and it is better (from a man’s viewpoint) to have a blonde even if she is not too bright than to have one of the other kinds (brunettes, redheads). Say you have nothing else going for you and decide to become blonde. Now you have men falling all over you and you’ve done nothing to better yourself. It’s all superficial. By virtue of the fact that no one “polices” the bleaching/dyeing of hair and “everyone” wants to be blonde, there are far more less-than-bright blondes than all other hair colors.
POSTED OCT. 15, 1998
Beth V., 48, female, Cleveland, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I was once told that the reason there are so many jokes about blondes is tied to the dying of the hair to attain the color. For one thing, people who dye their hair are doing it because they think it will make them look better, i.e. sexier or better looking which is why the jokes focus on blondes being “easy.” The other reason is that the chemicals used to turn a person’s hair blonde were once dangerous and thought to kill brain cells. While this is no longer true, the stereotype has hung around and is now a part of modern culture.
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
Rachel, female, Rotorua, New Zealand
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THE QUESTION:
GE25: My wife, in a moment of unusual candor, told me that for some mysterious reason, when she has water running over her in the shower, it causes her to evacuate her bladder. She said she can’t help it and that it is normal for this to happen to women. Is this true?
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Too embarrassed to say who, 55

ANSWER 1:
It sounds reasonable. Warm water is known to stimulate the urge to urinate -physicians often tell patients who are having trouble giving a urine sample to run warm water over their wrists for a minute. If your wife’s bladder control has been weakened by childbirth, surgery or time, she might very well have difficulty controlling it.
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Another possible explanation is that your wife’s potty-training as a child involved the feel of water. I myself was potty-trained by parents who would sit me on the toilet and promptly turn the water faucet on. Upon hearing the tinkle, I’d join in. To this day, I still make a rush for the closest restroom when I hear water from a fountain, drain or other such source.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Prefer to remain anonymous

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I agree with the first reply. As a fun-loving teenager, during sleepovers my friends and I have often placed hands of those who fell asleep first in warm water, in an attempt to get them to wet the bed. This is an old favorite of mine, and when it works, it is absolutely hilarious. Back to the point, the warm water stimulates the urge to go to the toilet.
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
John, 19, Atlanta, GA
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THE QUESTION:
GE24: I chose not to have my son circumcised based on my research on the matter before he was born. Now I get strange comments from people who think that circumcision is “normal.” I am now worried that my son will not appreciate my decision. Comments from males on this issue would be appreciated.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Renee S. <reneeleigh@juno.com>, St. Augustine, FL

ANSWER 1:
A close friend of mine was born in Australia, where circumcisions are apparently not as routinely performed. At the age of 12 he asked his parents to arrange for the procedure. That was the first year he had been issued a gym uniform and was expected to change clothes and shower in the company of other boys, and he was made very unhappy by the attention his difference received.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Ignore the Philistines. You have done the correct thing. Although I was circumcised, if I get married and have sons, there would have to be medical reasons for me to support their circumcision. The argument I have heard against it re: loss of sensitivity,different “mechanics” all sound plausible. You have left your son a choice – he can still get circumcised. The other followers of this ancient cultural artifact have robbed their sons of that choice, and risked their son’s sexual functionality, if not life.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
T., <psychomarmoset@yahoo.com>, Sydney, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a man, I am glad my mother had the procedure done for me as a little boy. I cannot imagine going through it later in life. I have one son, and I would never put him through that later in life, when he would be aware of what’s going on. I don’t know how old your son is, but please do it right away before it’s too late!
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
Johntech, 26, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Renee, thank you for not mutilating you son by getting him circumcised. There are no medical reasons to do this on a regular basis. There is also growing evidence that it does cause pain to newborns forced to undergo it. The foreskin is also where many of the man’s sexual sensors are located. Circumcision is similar to removing the clitoris. A large loss of sexual pleasure results from both operations.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Rich F., male, 32, pumafax@hotmail.com, Reno, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Best reasons to have your son circumcised: If your child is very sensitive and hindered from developing a healthy self-esteem, he might be adversely affected by the idea of seeming different than most boys. Best reasons against it: To avoid the trauma of mutilation and to allow him more sensitivity. Parents should teach all children good hygiene. Some sexual partners may prefer one or the other. Most will have no preference.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
David, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I am a circumcised male and had always assumed that when I had a son, he too would be. As the birth of my son approached, I decided to research the subject. I scoured the Internet, read any book that addressed the subject, raised the issue at our birthing classes and even talked with a few men who were not circumcised. My conclusion was to absolutely not do it. Two of the men I asked found it odd that I was so concerned about it. It was a non-issue to them. Now that my son is five months old, I know I made the correct choice. The idea of slicing off such a normal and valid part of his anatomy based on religious superstition/wives tales seems not only Neanderthal but ridiculous. We shrink in horror when we hear about Third World cultures that circumcise their adolescent girls (i.e. remove the clitoris), yet find the thought of mauling the penis quite natural.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
James F., 41, white <pcifox@ns.net>, Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I chose not to have my infant son circumcised. After birth, we were asked if we wanted circumcision performed and said no. As a father I felt I didn’t have the right to mutilate a child’s body. Maybe this goes back to when I was a kid, when at 5 my parents had me circumcised because infections were common (that is what I was told). I do not know what types of problems this decision might have on him later on in life, but some problems I’ve thought of include restrictions on the penis when hardened and another is personal hygiene.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
Concerned Dad ,43, ME

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I have seen repeated references to decreased sensitivity in circumcised men. I am a 52-year-old circumcised man who cannot imagine having any more sensitvity there. It would be unbearable. I think this may be a myth perpetuated by uncircumcised men.
POSTED JAN. 5, 1999
Bob, 52, male <rdees@kilgore.net>, Kilgore, Tx

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I don’t understand how Bob can make that statment. That’s like saying that because he was born with a hearing deficiency, he can’t imagine that it would be possible for anyone to hear better than he already does. Let your son remain uncircumcised. It should be his choice to mutilate part of his body when he feels he is ready to, should he want to, and when that time comes, it will be done with anesthetic and will not be traumatic, as if you were to do it to him as a baby. And he may complain as a child, especially as a teenager, about being different from the other kids, but most likely as an adult he will thank you for making the decision to let him make his own decision. And in my opinon, an uncut penis is extremly attractive and sexy. I wish I was still uncut.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
Dondi M., bisexual 26, male, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I assure you Bob, it is not a myth. The foreskin is the most sensitve part of a penis, and I think it is cruel to baby boys to mutilate them in that way. If they wish this operation done for religious or cultural reasons, let the boy decide for himself when older, at 12 or later. The only thing separating this cruelty from its female counterpart is that it is luckily reversible. Ma’am, I think you did the right thing. I have never suffered any stigma in the locker room or any complaints from women. Frankly, the circumcised are in the minority now, so I don’t think you should worry.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
A.C.C., San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Since there is no medical justification for circumcision (former ideas about cleanliness and penile cancer are now being discredited), many parents are now making the decision not to have their sons circumcised, viewing it as unnecessary and cruel surgery. The trend is definitely going in your direction; however, it will probably be several decades before “natural” penises are the norm. Nonetheless, I cannot imagine being bothered by an uncircumcised male, and I am sure, once your son knows the reasons behind your decision, he’ll appreciate the thought and kindness you put into it. After having lived with his foreskin, the thought of having it cut off will most likely horify him.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
D.M.M., female, nursing student <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I read about circumcision in Men’s Health. It said that it is very painful, not necessary and removes 70 percent of your nerve endings. In the words of a local comedian: “Hey, Mom! I want my foreskin back!”
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
Craig, 35, male <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, Mn

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
Three points: 1. Is Dad circumcised? How will the little boy feel about being “different” from Dad? 2. There is no question it is cleaner. The above nursing student left out the data on male urinary tract infections, which are nonexistent in circumcised males but affect 8-10 percent of circumcised males, and that’s in developed countries. 3. Ask women in countries with both “options” which they prefer.
POSTED JAN. 7, 1999
E.M., 42 <magidson@ties.k12.mn.us>, St Paul, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
In Europe and South America (and China?), unless they are Jewish or Muslim, men are not circumcised. This was never an issue of any sort. But maybe the rest of the world is not considered as standard by the American people.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Franck, 60, Republican and laïque <fdondon@club-internet.fr>, Paris, France
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THE QUESTION:
GE23: Why is it that every time you have a sincere interest in a woman, you have to be a jerk to get her attention? If you are a nice guy, you end up getting taken advantage of, but if you are a miserable freak, they seem to call you every day until your phone falls apart. Should guys just act like morons to get women?
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Adam, Brighton, MI

ANSWER 1:
Perhaps the more relevant question should be why are you attracted to women who are only attracted to men who treat them poorly. This is not meant as a criticism, but observation. Plenty of women want to date a nice man who is not always in a crisis. However, there are many women who thrive in crisis situations and want to “fix” or nurture the bad boys. This is not innate in every woman, but it seems to be so in your experience. Another thing to consider it the fact that you are pursuing women who do not want a stable relationship, so you would be better off to steer clear.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
Sheila, 30, St. Louis, MO

FURTHER NOTICE:
Many women (and some men as well) like the challenge of trying to attract someone who is basically indifferent to them. That’s why being too eager to please is often a tactical error. You don’t have to actually be indifferent or unkind to get a woman’s attention, but do be true to yourself. Have a life, do interesting things on your own. Don’t drop everything to accept a last-minute invitation. Don’t even agree that “Titanic” is the best movie ever if you were cheering for the iceberg. If you’re not willing to brave her displeasure, you won’t earn her respect.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Adam, if you act like a moron to impress a woman, the woman you impress will, invariably, be a moron also. If you express a sincere interest in a woman, chances are she will respond in kind. I have never been attracted to a man who has acted like a jerk just to get my attention. You may need to start hanging out in places where you can be yourself with a woman, instead of where you feel you have to beat out the other guy who is making a fool of himself.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
Kristen, 25, female <kristenv25@juno.com>, Ypsilanti, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There were times I had low self-esteem and thought I couldn’t deserve a nice guy. I was treated badly by guys and didn’t think I could do any better. Then I grew up. Nice guys can get noticed, and once I realized I didn’t deserve to be treated badly, I wouldn’t settle for anything less than a nice guy. It just takes some time. I had to get used to the idea that a man could truly want to make me happy. It was a lot different than my efforts to make a jerk happy. And you know what, a man wanting to make me happy made me happy. Hang in there. I think women want to be treated with love and respect even if they don’t choose a loving and respectful man. There are other valid points, but I believe it is often an esteem issue.
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
M.Bower, 24, Macomb, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think it’s deeper than just whether women want a “nice guy” or a “bad boy.” That’s just the surface level. Both men and women look for those people to whom they are attracted. A “bad boy” might have a rebellious or obnoxious attitude, but nevertheless, I’ve never seen one treat a lady badly and still be with her permanently. It’s the image that attracts. Basically, whether you’re a nice guy or a bad dude, just concentrate on being attractive and know respect. Even a “nice guy” can be more romantic and confident – and tell dirty jokes once in a while. Being nice does not mean being plain and boring. On the other hand, being a “bad boy” doesn’t mean being abusive – he can still buy her flowers and read her poetry. It’s just image, nothing more.
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
David L., 25, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I’ve noticed this, too: Guys acting like jerks while talking to women. The reason for this, I always thought, was that they were doing what worked for them, or rather, what they thought would work for them to attract a woman. I always hoped they wouldn’t be successful, and it would be nice if my hopes were confirmed by some women.
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
MarkOyori, 40, MS

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Girls like nice guys. The only problem is, a lot of the nice guys don’t have the guts to approach women like the jerks do. This is why many women complain about never being able to find any nice guys. Much of the time, these nice guys are right under our noses, but we don’t see them because they don’t make obvious plays for us like jerks do. Also, many nice guys make the mistake of smothering a girl with attention, or becoming too predictable. These are the guys girls can’t imagine being romantic, and classify as “friends.”
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
J.H., 19, white female, MO
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THE QUESTION:
GE22: What do women think of large guys? Is it a turn-off if a man is fat, even if he is also tall? What about if he is naturally muscular but doesn’t have bulky biceps or pulsing pectorals? And most important, does appearance matter more than personality to a woman?
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Contretemps IV <hank@i.am>
Santa Barbara, CA

ANSWER 1:
It depends on the woman. Some like tall men even if they’re big. Some women only care whether you’re kind and reliable. Our entire society is appearance-oriented, however, so definitely some women will reject an overweight man no matter how wonderful a person he may be. If you’re being consistently rejected, you might take a look at how closely you’re applying standards you don’t want applied to yourself. In other words, if you won’t date a fat woman, can you really fault a thin woman for not dating you?
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Personality is definitely more important. The sort of men I like to fantasize about are completely different from what I expect to meet in real life, so don’t worry about those sexy TV stars.

It is more difficult to get strangers to look past appearances, though. They haven’t had time to get acquainted with your personality, so they tend to go for the pretty package. Just give women time to get to know you before you ask them out.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think anyone who is confident and comfortable with their own body will be attractive. I find superficially attractive people less attractive if I find out they’ve got an unpleasant personality, and vice versa – I almost always find people with great personalities attractive. Your personality is definitely a significant part of the way you appear to others – your physique is only a part of your appearance, and it’s not the only thing that contributes to your attractiveness to other people.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Robyn K., female, 27, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Yes, women look at bodies, too. And I think it depends on the person whether looks or personality are more important. As far as “large guys” go, I know that a major concern is that his large physique is countered with the type of personality that’s unintimidating. A woman already knows that a guy who’s big can physically run her around – you want to make sure the person doesn’t take advantage of their size. Also, some of us feel more comfortable around big guys because they make us look small. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t want to date a guy who wears smaller jeans than I do.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Evin B., female <evinb@hotmail.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
On the surface of things, women tend to look at men and admire ones that are in good shape. However, as far as most women are concerned, admiring someone’s looks and wanting to have a relationship them are not necessarily the same thing. Traditionally good-looking men are seen more as fantasy objects, or trophy dates. In order to have a real, long-term relationship, women look more for emotional compatibility, kindness, maturity, the kind of person who would like to spend the rest of their lives with. Good looks are merely icing on the cake, not the cake itself. One can have a perfectly wonderful lifelong relationship with someone whose looks aren’t classically beautiful, but who is a great human being. Turn those two around, and it just doesn’t work.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Vicky B., 39, white female <saganfan@discoverymail.com>, Brownstown, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think attractiveness has more to do with sexiness than physical appearance. A person who is sexy spews confidence in themselves. For instance, two people I find extremely sexy are Drew Carey and Meatloaf. You wouldn’t classify them in the “male model” category, but they are definitely self-confident. Body-consciousness is a weakness, and I think that’s what women don’t like.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Effie, 29, wife of a very sexy guy, Ohio

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The height of a man is far more important to me than his weight. I am 5′ 9″ and feel like a giant with anyone shorter than I am. I am not thin by any means, but I don’t think I’m too hard to look at. If a man is 6′ and weighs only 140 lbs., he wouldn’t appeal to me. It has nothing really to do with how he looks, but with how I feel about myself. I was married to a large, fit man, and I lived with a large but overweight man. Physically, neither was more appealing than the other. They were both intelligent, employed, humorous and fun to be with. They made me feel good about myself. I hope this helps answer the question. I have nothing against short, small men in general, but as they would be unappealing to me, so I would be unappealing to them.
POSTED AUG. 5, 1998
Louise N., 45 Canadian female, Near Cobourg, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I love guys who are a little on the chubbier side. As a person who loves embracing other people, I find it’s much more satisfying to hug a person who isn’t rail-thin.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Sarah, 18 <bubbles@texoma.net>, Sherman, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I agree with Sarah. I much prefer to get physical with larger men (of any height). It feels so much sexier than men who are all ribs and hips! As an artist I also prefer to draw larger people – there is so much more of interest to their bodies.
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
Sophia, female, London, UK
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THE QUESTION:
GE21: Why does it seem women are so infatuated with their bodies and general appearance? My female friends ask me my opinion about some aspect of their appearance, and then if I say they look fine, they disagree and ask until someone agrees they don’t look fine. Also, it seems like they will base this opinion on what male society wants, but all the men they ask will say they look fine.
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Marc, 20, male <romarti@yahoo.com>
Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
Women (and men as well) receive a lot of messages from the media about what is and is not acceptable about their bodies. Because the “acceptable” bodies presented in ads and entertainment are nowhere near average – usually slimmer, leggier and bustier – women fight long, often losing battles to be accepted. Those messages are passed along by the masses who consume them. Peer pressure – especially among adolescent girls – to achieve and maintain a perfect figure can be overwhelming. Have you ever ogled an attractive woman or made fun of an overweight or unattractive woman in front of a female friend? If so, you indirectly told your friend that a pleasing physical appearance merits approval. Unfortunately, even the assurances of a caring friend can’t override years of messages that tell a woman she’s not acceptable until she’s perfect.
POSTED APRIL 29, 1998
Michelle G., white female, 27 <ufinjax@aol.com>
Gainesville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
Women are conditioned throughout their lives to seek perfection in their personal appearance. (Note make-over magazine spreads and TV shows, the fashion industry, the cosmetic industry, pageants, etc.) Thus, there aren’t only two states – looking OK and not looking OK. Instead, there’s more of a continuum, and women are constantly striving to meet the standard at the highest end of the appearance continuum. An added complication is that the perfection standard changes constantly. To the extent women ask for advice on such matters, I can see how they would value advice from other women who are subject to the same influences rather than from men who may have trouble understanding. I don’t have a good answer about how expectations for women are or are not set in part by men. I agree with Marc’s comment that often men actually don’t seem to care nearly as much as women think men do.
K.S., 27, female
Indianapolis, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Women are obsessed, not infatuated, with appearance because female appearance is so relentlessly focused upon in our culture. We are bombarded constantly by the message that the most important thing about us is how we look. This bombardment comes from television, magazines, movies, all forms of advertising, etc. It also comes from men, who compare us all the time. When you “rate” some woman’s appearance, even in fun, you are participating in the kind of activity that furthers this attitude. I’m not saying we don’t size you up based on appearance. I’m trying, instead, to describe our experience. If we are neurotic about how we look, it is because our culture encourages us from a very early age to obsess about it rather than encouraging us to develop our minds, hearts and character, which is the proper focus for developing human potential.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
J. Lemke <j-lemke@ti.com>
Plano, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
What you are observing is not infatuation but the deep insecurity and shame felt by the majority of women who fail to meet the unrealistic standards imposed by magazines, television, the fashion industry, etc. Young women and teenagers are particularly vulnerable to this, and they are much harder on themselves than most men will ever be. This is truly a very painful issue for your friends, even the ones you consider pretty. Be kind to them, and keep reassuring them that their worth is not based on the whiteness of their smiles or the thinness of their thighs.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Come on, women, let’s admit that we do this to ourselves, too. How often do we criticize friends or strangers for how they look, even though we hate such criticism ourselves? We all need a change of attitude, not just men and the media.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
E.P. 25, female, Washington, D.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
There are many cultural influences that lead women to obsess about their appearance. I suggest to Marc that if he can rephrase his response to a female friend by being more specific, she will more likely accept the compliment as sincere. For example, instead of “You look fine,” try “You look very stylish,” “That shade of blue looks wonderful on you,” “That outfit make you look slimmer” or even “You look fine, but I prefer you in jeans.” If you think she does not look fine (bad fit, inappropriate for the occasion, whatever) try “You look fine, but I’d like your pink dress better.”
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Pam S., 55 <palema@downcity.net>, Willimantic, CT

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Saying “you look fine” to your female friends is not the same as saying “I think you have a really pretty face.” To me, and I think to a lot of other women, “you look fine” comes across as not wanting to answer. When you say this, are you truly trying to respond honestly to them, or are you trying to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible? Most women, when they ask you about an aspect of their appearance, want to hear something specific, something that makes them feel you’re truly looking at them and noticing them. To E.P.: of course, we women do this same thing to ourselves. We participate in creating the images in the media that assault us every day, just as much as men do. And we’re just as influenced by them, if not more.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Jennifer, 29, Saline, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Women seek to attract, men seek to “conquer.” The competition among women for attractiveness rivals that of men in desirability. This natural urge to get the attention of the other sex is still focused primarily on adornment of the body rather than of the mind. Yet when we males meet someone who may be a “plain Jane,” but who has depth, an ability to listen, a genuine interest in us as individuals, often “plain Jane” becomes very desirable, i.e. attractive. Is it not interesting that in America we talk of the “opposite” sex? Why not “the other sex”? As a male, I have learned that opposing the other sex is fruitless. Cooperation and dialogue, on the other hand, give me what I want every time.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Robert D., 70, white <rderycke@mindspring.com>, Knoxville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
There are complex reasons for women’s supposed preoccupation with appearance. One possibility worth mentioning was explored by Desmond Morris in his book, “The Naked Ape.” It is suggested that men are biologically prone to visual stimulation and that women are aware of this at more than a conscious level. I believe there may have been an attractive female appearance before the advent of mass media.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
W. Mitchell, male <Bmtch@aol.com>, Jackson, MS

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Women become beauty objects and men become success objects. The main reason for this can be traced to one sex being expected to initiate male-female relationships. Although women are reputed to want relationships more than men do, and men are reputed to be commitment- and intimacy-phobic, men are assigned the burden of initiative-taking. Because females don’t take initiative, they use makeup and other beauty enhancers to induce males to take them (and to beat out their female competitors). Because males as initiators must risk face-to-face rejection, they play up their financial success or status (or the promise of it) to induce females not to reject their requests for dates and so forth. Once a man has “sold” himself as successful, and the woman herself as beautiful, both resist changing for fear of being dumped for “false advertising.”
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
Jerry, 56, white male <jerryaboggs@juno.com>, Livonia, MI
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