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Gender Questions 11-20

THE QUESTION:
GE20: I’d like to know how guys of all ages feel when a female is insecure about herself. Is a little insecurity good, or is it best if a girl can be 100 percent self-confident about herself? Also, how does it make you, as a male, feel when a female close to you talks about her appearance negatively? Does it only point out what you have not noticed in the past?
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Insecure Song, 18 <RuffRuff66@aol.com>, Lawrenceville, GA

ANSWER 1:
It would have to depend on the nature and degree of insecurity. I find myself annoyed with people who are self-deprecating when fishing for compliments. Also, I tend to be confused when people concentrate on a perceived flaw where none exists. If the concern is genuine and perhaps warranted, I would make every effort to help her overcome her insecurity however I could
POSTED MAY 7, 1998,
L., 22, Maine

FURTHER NOTICE:
I love it when a girl talks about her insecurity. It makes her seem more human, and it also reassures me that she is willing to be personal with me – that I am not just a friend, but her boyfriend.
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
Uziel G. <rnhaag@hotmail.com>, Lenox Township, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I believe it’s good to realize you are not perfect. But it makes me mad when people feel so insecure that the insecurity is all they talk about. People have to realize that they are who they are and cannot change it, so they should get comfortable with the fact that nobody is perfect. We can all only be who we are, no more, no less.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
L.C., lord_chaos_1@hotmail.com, VT

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am the kind of person who surrounds himself with females who are on the same level I’m on. I hate hard-to-get because it’s not worth it and I hate the treat-me-like-you-don’t-deserve-me game because that gets old fast. I would like a female who respects herself and is assertive, but one that I know is mine. And if a woman starts insulting herself, I will usually reassure her she is wrong , no matter what the situation.
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
C. Smith, white male <Chrizzmith@aol.com>, Killeen, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE19: Why is it that violence and guns are more accepted on the screen than naked women?
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Jennie, Sweden <jennie.svensson@gislaved.mail.telia.com>

ANSWER 1:
It started in the Victorian era – the reign of Queen Victoria of England. Prudishness was taken to extremes. Anything suggestive of sex was forbidden. Books by male and female authors weren’t allowed to be next to each other on the shelf. Nudity? No way. Even chairs had to have ruffles to hide their “limbs” (absolutely not “legs” – too suggestive!) So, to give their readers a thrill, after sex became unmentionable, writers filled their work with blood, horror and violence.

America, which saw waves of immigrants arrive in this era, has never quite shaken off Victorianism, and a large proportion of modern films are made in America. At any rate, different countries have different ideas on what levels of sex and/or violence are acceptable.
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI
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THE QUESTION:
GE18: Why are most women unwilling to allow me to express any opinion about “women’s issues” in conversation? I am expected to silently “listen and learn.” Every time, I remain completely unheard – literally shouted down before I have completed a sentence fragment.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Tom H., white male, 36 <THAST2001@aol.com>, Huntington, W.Va.

ANSWER 1:
The women you are talking to may assume you are approaching the subject with the attitude of “all you dumb females really need to straighten you out is a little good ol’ male logic.” My advice is to keep your mouth shut until they feel you actually care enough to listen to them and value their opinions; then, they may be willing to listen to yours.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Colette <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I spent many years as the only man in a feminist psychotherapy collective. Consensus decision-making, pooling of finances, everything. It taught me a great deal. And that’s what’s most important: It taught me. Most straight men (and even most gays) don’t know squat about women’s issues. Of course, I don’t know about you, Tom, but if you’re like a dismaying majority of men, you’ve got lots of opinions, but you may never have read women’s literature or feminist theory, and you may, as Collette implies, never have really listened to women talk about their experiences – experiences that you have never had. When a poorly informed man starts talking about women’s issues, his ignorance screams out within the first four words. His tone of voice alone is usually enough to ignite a riot in female listeners. If you get this reaction, you can bet your words are insensitive. If you really care about this subject, start by asking, not telling. Ask about experiences, ask for books to read. Learn first – then talk. It’s humbling, but it’s worth it.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Will H., 48, white, gay, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Thank you for your answers. To clarify my question: I agree with you Will that many men are not educated about women’s issues – I don’t consider myself a scholar in the field, but this has been a serious concern to me all my life, and my reading and personal actions reflect this (for example by supporting my wife’s career ahead of my own). Colette’s point is well taken, too. Perhaps I do come off as insensitive; lack of trust might also play a part. Yet I know that humbling feeling well, and don’t think that ignorance or unwillingness to listen are at issue in this case. I am truly baffled and hurt at the unwillingness to be heard, which comes my way from my wife and other close female friends who should know me better than that by now.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Tom, Huntington, WV

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
You seem to feel women are unwilling to listen to your views on their issues. So stop voicing them. Begin voicing your views on men’s issues. You’ll be surprised how intently you are listened to. You may be ridiculed for being politically incorrect, but you’ll be listened to. That’s been my experience. You will also help accomplish what this site wants to achieve: “find out how and why people are different from each other” – in this case how and why men and women are “different.”
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Jerry B. <jerryaboggs@juno.com>, Livonia, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think most of us in disempowered groups feel we have heard quite enough about what men think about women, straights think about gays, whites think about people of color, rich think about poor, etc. I feel most of what we hear is ignorant and negative. So when a dominant-group member wants to voice an opinion on the “others,” the “others” know it’s likely to be self-important ignorance. Check to see if you don’t have an expectation of being listened to just because you are male. Now check again.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Max M., 44, gay male <qteacher@pacbell.net>, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
You should expect your opinions to be heard simply because you are a person engaged in a conversation with other persons. This concept of “if you don’t meet this criteria, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on that issue” is caustic to the concept of free speech. You talking to women about women’s issues may be analagous to telling Mark McQuire your theory on hitting home runs, but to extend the analogy, maybe the best way for him to teach you about hitting is to first listen to your possibly ill-conceived notions and then correct them. Besides, with the thought and energy you’ve evidently put into trying to understand this, it sounds like you may have something of value to offer. Continue to be respectful of their positions but keep on trying to express yours. Hopefully they’ll open up to the dialogue; then you can both learn something.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Mark, white male, Alexandria, VA
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THE QUESTION:
GE17: What thought process does a woman go through when agreeing to have sex with a partner?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Kurt S., Sydney, Australia

ANSWER 1:
There are so many factors in this decision. For young women, it is sadly often a question of “Will he continue to love me/stay with me if I don’t?” Many of my high-school friends lost their virginity to high-pressure tactics, and I don’t think any of them remember the boy or the experience fondly. Older or more self-confident women might be asking themselves, “Do I know him well enough? Do I trust him? Do I like him enough to want this level of intimacy? Does he turn me on? Am I happy with where our relationship is going? Does he care about me?” Hopefully, all women are asking themselves: “Is it safe? Am I as protected as possible?”
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston

FURTHER NOTICE:
It depends on two or three things: 1) how much have I had to drink, 2) what is the person’s alleged sexual history and penis size, and 3) what type of career the person is currently in and what their career potential is. Women in my experience are as shallow as men when they want sex.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Deborah <september273@hotmail.com>
Barrie, Ontario Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Each woman will go through a thought process based on her own ideas and experience and situation. But for most people, decisions about sex are affected by much more than a thought process. There are various physical/emotional factors that can have a very strong effect – it can be much harder to think when excited, sex is more or less interesting at various points in your cycle, and even having a good or bad day can affect this decision, just like any other.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Muffy, 32, female <muffy@fish.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Not much thought is given when I am out looking for sex. My only thought is that he is clean of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS. Otherwise, when I am out looking for sex, I usually find it fairly quickly, enjoy it and go forward. I do not look for any emotional attachment, or if he can be trusted. When I am out looking for sex, I am looking of the pleasure sex brings physically and enjoying it with someone who is doing likewise. I don’t look for emotional attachment. Sex doesn’t bond me to anyone. It’s a physical release – and mighty pleasureable at that.
POSTED JAN. 19, 1999
Sher S., 52 <sherri.shepherd@reichhold.com>, Raleigh, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
“How good will he be?” “What can I do to make him feel good?” “Will he be good enough for a second go?” “Will he think I’m a slut?” “I’m glad that someone thinks I’m attractive.” “Yeaaa!”
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A., 21, white/Hispanic female <Arissssss@aol.com>, Alameda, Bay Area, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE16: To married women: How many times per week do you think is an adequate frequency of sex?
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
T.M., Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
That depends on the woman. It also depends on how she is feeling about her partner at the time. Personally, I am happy with once or twice a week. When we are getting along really well and turned on by each, other we can have sex several times a day. When we are in a slump, it can be a month before we give in. I think anytime she feels close to you and good about herself – you know, when she can’t keep her hands off you and laughs at your silly jokes, gives you a lot of friendly eye contact – she might be available for sex with you. It makes me feel sexy when I catch my husband looking at me or sneaks me off to a passionate kiss. If she feels comfortable and good about herself with , your wife should be responsive.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Married for 10 years, female
Dallas, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE:
I feel that two to three times a week is the way to go.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Amy, Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think at least once a week is good.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Jan M., Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There is no “adequate number” set in stone. The frequency with which my husband and I have sex depends on so many things: Time, stress, schedule conflicts, arguments, etc. We have definitely experienced problems, though – he always wants sex more than I do. So we both have to give and take – sometimes I let myself be talked into it, and sometimes he goes to sleep dissatisfied. We probably average three times a week, which even I think is low. (I get stressed easily.) If you’re having problems, talk about it. And don’t be afraid to schedule time for sex – may seem silly but it’ll be worth it in the end. You might also broaden your definition of sex – would it help if your wife helped you masturbate, for example?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Ellie, married, 25, Washington, D.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think three times a week is an adequate number, but when I say this I am thinking of “adequate” as the minimum number of times with which I would be pleased.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
K.S., 30, married female, Tennessee

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I would like to engage in sex at least three times a month, which basically adds up to once a week for three weeks and one week off. When I was younger, I enjoyed twice a week; I’m 49 and holding!
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Margaret, Washington

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Before we had children, my husband and I had sex 5-10 times a week. Since we’ve had two kids, it all depends on when they’re awake and how tired I am. My poor husband has sex with me only about once a week now. If we have or make time for ourselves, we will do it as much as possible. I want to have a healthy sexual realtionship with my husband, but sometimes it’s physically not possible.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Marie, 38, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I feel once a week is good. When that one time happens, it’s good. It keeps the spark going. We have something to look forward to and expect. Plus, we don’t want to wear out sex, especially if we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Phaedra G., Columbus, GA
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THE QUESTION:
GE15: I’ve noticed that a significant number of men are resentful and unhappy if their wives, girlfriends, etc., make more money than they do. I know of one man who badgered his wife into trading her nursing position for a lower-paying service job because he resented her higher salary. How common is this trait among men? Don’t they recognize the benefits of two high-paying salaries?
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Melody, 45, married white working female, Atlanta, Ga.

ANSWER 1:
My husband is quite happy with the fact that I make a higher salary. It certainly makes our lives easier. I would guess most men who are unhappy with it either feel less manly because they can’t support their families alone, or feel at a disadvantage because the balance of power is different. Or both.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston

FURTHER NOTICE:
Men have trouble accepting partners who earn more money than them because men have always been known as the traditional “bread-winners” in the family. Even though our society may preach that it doesn’t matter which partner earns more, it is inevitable that other men with relations to the man who earns less than his wife will take notice. Even if on an unconscious level, I feel the treatment that the man may then receive from his fellow men could be tainted by the fact that he earns less than his wife. After all, if the man doesn’t even rule in his own home, how could he ever presume to overcome another man? Though some of this logic on the part of my gender may seem flawed, it is very hard for men to overcome the fact that their wife makes more money and still retain a sense of being the dominant partner, as the trait of masculinity is supposed to entail.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Michael B., 18, male, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Roles aren’t defined the way they once were. My wife earns more than I do, but so what? I have no problem with it, and she has no problem with it. The old traditional ways are long gone. Men who fret about being the primary breadwinners are the same guys who think doing the wash, cleaning and food shopping is still woman’s work.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Mike, 31, white male, Royal Oak, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
My wife makes more money than me, and I don’t care. What makes me mad is that because she makes more money, all of a sudden it’s assumed I don’t work hard. I’m a corrections officer and she is a teacher. I would like to know how common it is for women to belittle their men when they are the breadwinners. That’s what men get upset about, not the dollar amount. It all spends the same! Anyone else want my job dealing with society’s rejects and under the constant threat of bodily harm?
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Scott C., white male, 28, married <smcolson@key-net.net>, Mt. Jewett, PA
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THE QUESTION:
GE14: Another question for girls 14 to 16: Why is it that some girls insist on wearing a pants outfit? I thought most girls desired to show their femininity and wear skirts.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Uziel G. <rnhaag@hotmail.com>, Richmond, MI

ANSWER 1:
Although I am no longer in the age group, I am not much older. For me, I choose to wear pants a great percentage of the time because it is more comfortable. Also, as silly as it may sound, it has a lot to do with shoes. If I am wearing a dress, heels or pumps would be the appropriate shoes. I loathe even the thought of walking around in those sort of shoes, which also goes back to the comfort factor. If I didn’t look like a complete moron in a dress and sneakers, I would be more inclined to wear one.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Tracy R., 20 <H0LE@aol.com>
Flint, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I too am a little older than the ages specified, but having been that age not too long ago, I know that wearing skirts was reserved for parties, dances or other special occasions. At 14, I wasn’t really concerned with looking sexy, and even today, I know that I can wear pants and still look very appealing. Even now, I generally wear pants unless I want to dress up for a certain occasion. Another point about why girls of that age may not wear skirts might be the fact that they are more active. Skirts reduce the ability and make it uncomfortable to run or even walk long distances.
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Tracey, 22 <shelbytv@ameritech.net>, Shelby Township, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Girls of any age generally prefer pants outfits to skirts or dresses for the sole reason that skirts and dresses are not designed to allowed freedom of movement. Females lead quite active lives nowadays, and being unable to run, climb stairs two at a time or even just to sit with our legs apart is completely impractical.
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
J.F., 18, female, Mason, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I prefer to wear feminine pant suits. I love the way they look. I think when a woman decides to wear a dress or suit, it has to do with what she as an individual finds attactive and what she think looks good on her body.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
M. Steward, 18, female <yngmom18@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’m no longer in that age group, but when I was a teen, I preferred pants because I felt that if I were to wear a dress or skirt, my makeup and hair had to be perfect, and there wasn’t always the time or desire to make sure of that. It still is the case with me. If I wear a dress, I do it up right. I feel more comfortable if my makeup isn’t just right and hair is pulled back in pants.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Laura, 33, vegimite@hotmail.com, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To the woman who said skirts are more restrictive: I find that odd. Not long ago, I had the occasion to wear a kilt, which is essentially a skirt when you get right down to it. I thought it was rather liberating! Not that I am going to run around in a skirt from now on, but I commented to my wife at the time about how nice it was to have a little room to “breathe,” if you will. Granted, the piping is a bit different, but I should think that a skirt would be more comfortable. Certainly that is the impression I have gotten and would have assumed.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
John K., 24, straight white male <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
We wear pants because they are way more comfortable than itty-bitty skirts or dresses. Plus, whenever I go to school in a skirt, I always get busted for it being too short, even though it usually isn’t. So I’d rather wear pants for the comfort and to stay out of trouble.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Kristina, 14, white female, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GE13: Why is it that men seem to have a tendency to take advantage of a woman’s nurturing and affectionate nature?
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
C.H. <Wisdom47@aol.com>
Dallas, TX

ANSWER 1:
I don’t feel men necessarily take advantage. I think we all suffer from the misfortune of meeting the opposite sex at vulnerable moments. To claim “men take advantage of women’s tender moments” stereotypes all men.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Perry, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
The short answer is the competitive male instinct and peer pressure. Men have a tendency to look out rather than in and put their goals and energy into doing things rather than strengthening bridges to the people who care for them. In exceedingly driven males, there might even be a belief it is their right to receive with no obligation to give back. We feel measured by our external success rather than by emotional equilibrium. I had to survive a serious two-year depression at 25 to be able to understand family was the most important thing for me. I was lucky to experience losing it all when I was still single. But you constantly have to fight the feeling of being left behind in the race to succeed as you make decisions in favor of your loved ones and away from money and external success. And the media reinforces the stereotype of the selfish, cool dude with all the toys as the ideal of the successful male.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
J.P. Paz-Soldan <bbv-jp@blockbuster.com.pe>
Lima, Peru

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The question seems to assume that women have a built in superiority (men are un-nurturing? Uncaring?) There may be physiological differences between men and women that affect social relationships, but can’t it be put in a more value-neutral way? Also, I find the question slightly demeaning to women. It seems to assume that women are somehow victims of their female (nurturing?) nature. Women choose the relationships they are in and the people they choose to nurture (and be nurtured by). I assume women are perfectly capable of being responsible for the quality of those relationships. A mirror question might be “Why do women take advantage of men’s natural drive to get things done?” I don’t like that question, either.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Joseph, 35 <shaules@rikkyo.ac.jp>
Tokyo, Japan
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THE QUESTION:
GE12: If a woman refuses to have sex with a man because he has not provided a condom, is she considered a “tease”? Shouldn’t she expect him to have one?
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Apryl P. black <apryl@mail-me.com>
Oak Park, MI

ANSWER 1:
No woman should feel obligated to have sex with a man under any circumstances. However, she should also say what she means and mean what she says. If, before the kissing and petting, etc., start, she insists on the condom, she is being smart and responsible. If she waits until just before the moment of no return and then says she wants a condom, she is still being responsible and has every right of course to say “forget it, buster,” but the guy will understandably feel he was teased.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Bob, 23, single, white, Greenwich, CT

FURTHER NOTICE:
Yes! By all means she should insist. It’s her health at stake, and she has every right to insist is safe. If a man won’t use one, get rid of him. It’s that simple. No exceptions. Whether he is infected or not, it shows a frightening lack of consideration for the woman. It’s so sad that women are still afraid to be assertive about this. There was a case in New York last year in which a man with AIDS knowingly slept with a bunch of young girls, and no condoms were used. Do you think this guy will care when these girls get sick? Only you can protect yourself!
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Kelly, female, 28, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Apryl, why do you assume it is the man’s responsibility to provide the condom? A woman is responsible for, and perfectly capable of, providing her own protection. I am sure real men will not consider a woman a slut, or too forward, if she provides, and insists the man wear, a condom. It is a dangerous, erroneous assumption that a man will automaticallly have a condom with him. If you are mature enough to consider having sex with a man, be mature enough to make sure that descision won’t become something that could kill you.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Kristen, 25, female, Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Bob of Greenwich: Although I understand your feelings of frustration over being put off when that happens, I want you to understand that the woman will be feeling sexually frustrated, too. She might really have wanted some intimacy with you and even be feeling guilty over having to stop things and be afraid you will be angry. The truth is, one of the differences between men and women is that women don’t necessarily relate what men consider foreplay to sex. Women enjoy snuggling, kissing and holding each other, which doesn’t have to end up with sex to be enjoyable. Most men’s point of view is that if you’re not going to get anything out of it, there’s no point. Consequently, she may just be enjoying the human contact and your companionship and may honestly not really think about it until the moment arrives. Also, why does the woman have to bear complete responsiblity for sexual safety? Why don’t men broach the subject first sometimes? It would probably relieve a great deal of those first-time jitters when you are with someone new.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
S.C., 26, white female, Cordova, TN
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THE QUESTION:
GE11: For girls age 14 to 16: Do they prefer a guy to slowly get closer, or to “sweep them off their feet”?
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Ryan H., 16 <rnhaag@hotmail.com>, Richmond, MI

ANSWER 1:
It really depends. If the guy is cute, take it as it comes. If the guy is hot – sweep me off my feet!
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
Cyn, white female, 15, Memphis, TN

FURTHER NOTICE:
It’s better for the guy to go slowly so that you get a chance to know him; it’s not whether he’s hot or not. If someone is swept off their feet, they may rush into a committment that the other person is not ready for. Take it slow!
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Kristina and Cherie, white females, 14 and 15, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In my opinion, it’s so much more attractive when a guy takes things slowly. Get a chance to know the girl first and become a friend. Otherwise, you may run into trouble. You may go after the girl too quickly, and if that doesn’t work out perfectly, things will definitely end tragically. There’s nothing wrong with winning a girl’s trust first. In fact, that will make the relationship stronger. As for “sweeping the girl off her feet,” don’t assume you can’t do that if you do things slowly. If you become her best friend first, you might assume that she will anticipate your every move. In reality, you can still surprise her constantly. I would suggest you take your time.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
J.R., 16, female, Los Angeles , CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am a little older than the bracket you were inquiring but feel it necessary to give my opinion. I do not agree with Answer 1. It shouldn’t matter how “hot” the guy is. What should matter is the connection between the guy and the girl. Everyone is different. People take things at their own pace. If you are in a relationship with someone, it is usually because you share personality traits and attitudes. If you are with someone, you should be comfortable enough to either instinctively know the pace at which you should go or to not be afraid to ask about the feelings of your partner. This goes for guys and girls alike. The cuteness factor has had no influence on the pace I set for myself, and to let that play a part is derogatory.
POSTED JAN. 18, 1999
Krystal, 18, female <rubytuesday_2@hotmail.com>, SC
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