General Diversity Questions 41-50

THE QUESTION:
GD50: I am 28 and still attending college. I plan to go to graduate school. My question is to people who have waited until their mid-thirties to start planning families: Have you experienced any prejudices because you chose to wait? Were there any benefits and/or regrets for waiting?
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Karin, 28, female <karin1212@hotmail.com>, San Diego, Ca
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THE QUESTION:
GD49: To people of all classes and races: What do you think is the real meaning of success in your life?
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Cynthia H. <yukofujita@hotmail.com>, San Francisco, CA

ANSWER 1:
I read this on a bumper sticker: “Success: The continual realization of a worthwhile goal.”
POSTED NOV. 28, 1998
Brian, 38, white <Birchwood@mediaone.net>, Chelmsford, MA

FURTHER NOTICE:
We know money does not bring success; there are a lot of unhappy rich people. Success is not having a lot of women at your call any time of the day; look at our President. Success is not having our name in neon lights for all the world to see and admire, for we know that too, will pass. Success is not being able to dunk a basketball on whomever you want at a whim on the b-ball court, for a strike can cancel that. Success is not being able to run the football to the end zone or catch a pass with the greatest of ease, for we know an injury can end your season. But I think that true success is doing and being what God has called each and every one of us to do. First, that is to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and then “seek ye first the kingdom of God and all his righteousness, and all these other things will be added.” Now that, to me, is a definition of true success.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
Charles, black male <clprice1@earthlink.net>, VA
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THE QUESTION:
GD48: What do people of all backgrounds think of the U.S. Constitution? Where would America be without it? Do you think it has bettered our lives? In what ways (specifically) has the Constitution helped better America? What are the positive reactions to these ways? What could have happened if there were no Constitution? We are doing a report in our Government class and would very much appreciate your responses.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Alkey H. and R. Hindbaugh, <thealkey@hotmail.com>, Pine Grove, CA

ANSWER 1:
The U.S. Constitution was written in a different time, by men who undoubtedly had no idea what their infant nation would become in little over two centuries. In my view, this document and its “framers” have been given undue reverence. The constitution was originally designed as the basic blueprint for a nation of white male property owners, and it set forth legal guidelines that protected their interests. As our nation strove (however reluctantly) to distance itself from the inherent hypocrisy of these “Founding Fathers” (who declared all men to be equal even as most of them built their wealth from slave labor), and bring America closer to the stated intentions of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution has, by necessity, undergone numerous revisions, and is constantly subject to interpretation in our courts. My point is that the Constitution serves as much a symbolic role as a functional one. As our society has continued to evolve, the scales have been steadily tipping toward the importance of the symbolic function.
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Sam, 30, male, brown American <SamAlex67@aol.com>, Chicago, Il
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THE QUESTION:
GD47: To people of any race, sexual orientation or background: What are your fondest childhood memories of the holidays?
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Zawadi, black female, 33, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
My fondest memories of the holidays? The smells. The odor of food cooking in a relative’s house; the fragrance of a fresh tree decorated with ornaments; the gentle smell that comes from scented candles; the new box smell that is released by a wide-eyed child unwrapping a present; and, yes, even the cologne of the family’s favorite uncle who loves to play Santa Claus, spending his entire time at the gathering passing out gifts to children. All these odors and scents tell me the holidays are here, and I could never forget them.
POSTEDN NOV. 13, 1998
Stephen S., 31, San Antonio, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GD46: I’m a single (never-married) straight white female, age 43. I would like people to comment on why never-marrieds like me are often treated like social pariahs. Many divorcees seem to be able to make social contacts via their children, but never-married women are left out of the loop unless they are willing to limit social contacts to spouse-hunting arenas. I’d just like a friend or two; I’m not looking for a spouse.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Marg H., Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

ANSWER 1:
Like attracts like. Even in a church setting, unless one specifically makes it a point to approach someone outside their social circle, families will gravitate toward families of similar-aged children. Childless couples will tend to gravitate toward childless couples, etc. That is not to say that boundaries can’t be crossed. I hope that those who read this question and my response will become sensitized to reaching out. That’s what it is all about. Singles can offer to babysit children of couples, and families can invite singles to join them in their activities. Not every attempt to reach out will spark friendships. Just as a fisherman knows, he can’t catch fish unless he’s willing to try.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Ronald V., 45 <draugas@mailcity.com>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE:
Wow, your question really hit home for me. As a 24-year-old woman who has not caught “wedding fever” like most of my contemporaries, I’ve really begun to feel the heavy pressure that people put on you to enter into the typical “married with 2.5 children” lifestyle. Your question really scares me because I’d like to believe that a person can lead a happy, fufilling life without getting tied down to a family, but the fact is that couples hang out with other couples, and after you’ve failed to “couple” long enough, they forget about you. If I feel this way already (when I’m so early in the mating game), I’m distraught to imagine how remiss I’ll be in 20 years when people are still harping on me to find a husband or have left me in the dust for my lack of one. It’s a shame that living single is still not considered a valid lifestyle in American society, despite the fact that marriage is failing miserably as an institution and lifestyle. It’s interesting to me that while more than 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, people still act like it’s the only valid way to live.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
D.M.M., 24, white, female <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston, SC
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THE QUESTION:
GD45: To smokers: Why does it seem that so many of you have no problem littering streets, parking lots, sidewalks and most anywhere with discarded cigarette butts? Do you not consider it littering, or do you just not care? How is it different than throwing, say, gum wrappers out everywhere?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
kmatson <kmatson@bellatlantic.net>, Philadelphia, PA

ANSWER 1:
As a smoker, I can tell you that there are very few establishments where you can smoke inside. In these places, however, there are ashtrays, and smokers do put their butts in the trays. There are also very few establishments that provide outdoor ashtrays, so when a smoker – who has no choice but to smoke outside – partakes of the habit, there is nowhere to extinguish the butt except on the ground. Perhaps it is littering, but so is spitting out chewing gum onto the sidewalk. And, I think it is very unsanitary to encounter these discarded wads and get them stuck on my shoes, or to find them with my knees on the undersides of restaurant tables.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Stephen S., 31, smoker, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a smoker and I never throw my butts out like litter. I put them in an ashtray, coke can, my cig’ package, my purse, my pocket, etc., until I can throw them in the trash. People do not consider that their environment is their life, so they have no respect for it. It makes me sick to see all the butts at an intersection or on the beach. I think this is the same as all other trash, the only difference is that people smoke more often than chew gum or whatever else, so there are more butts than other trash. These people, like those who let their trash fly out of their truck beds, have no respect for their environment or others or themselves. The problem is that most people do not care enough to clean up after themselves or others. We all take our environment for granted in some way or another. We all need to do as much as possible to protect our planet. Recycle, avoid Styrofoam, drive less or not at all, buy a car with good gas mileage, etc. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” But I agree with you, we all could to do better, including myself.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Sheila, 30 <hayes004@mailhost1.csusm.edu>, Oceanside, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GD44: Do radical groups such as minority, feminist, gay/lesbian and abortion groups do more to push themselves away from others in society than to be understood and accepted by society?
POSTED NOV. 2, 1998
Colt Helmich <helmi001@mailhost1.csusm.edu>, San Marcos, CA

ANSWER 1:
I think “mainstream” society often is the one pushing us away, or worse, pushes us into the “mainstream” by insisting we abandon our culture, identity and beliefs. I find it strange you would group minorities and gays, who gather together by our characteristics, which began at birth, with feminists and abortion rights people (who are not a minority since a majority of Americans agree with them), since the latter are simply a group with a set of opinions, not people readily identifiable unless you ask their beliefs. But minorities, and I’m sure gays also, have had to group together for self-defense, even survival at times. At the same time we have struggled to make the “mainstream” cease its coercion against us and accept us as we are. Today, in the past and I’m sure in the future, you will find us – “the others” in your mind – in all walks of life if you just look around.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am perplexed as to your stereotype of minority, feminist, gay/lesbian and abortion groups as somehow being radical. Radical groups can be found at both ends of the spectrum – radical far left and radical far right. Radical groups at both ends have a tendency to alienate many people, sometimes by their ideology, but more often by their rhetoric or tactics. However, the vast majority of people who identify as minority members, feminists, gay/lesbian or pro-choice are fairly mainstream individuals already understood and accepted by most of society. We are part of society. I do not have to agree with a person’s political or social stance, whether liberal or conservative, to understand it or respect that person as a valued member of society. Are you perhaps mistaking a specific radical group as being representive of an entire category of people? Or perhaps you are not differentiating sufficiently between “society’s” acceptance and your personal acceptance of such groups?
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
DykeOnByke, pro-choice lesbian feminist of minority faith <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GD43: Why don’t people have manners anymore? No one says please or thank you, holds a door open, opens doors for others or helps others. I open doors for people; why can’t people be pleasant anymore?
POSTED OCT. 29, 1998
Sheila, 30, female <hayes004@mailhost1.csusm.edu>, Oceanside, CA

ANSWER 1:
Believe it or not, there was a time when men were cautioned not to hold a door open for a woman, under any circumstances. This was considered “sexist.” I never could understand that, but I have noticed that such accusations and interpretations have led to more and more people preferring to be less kind to others. When kind behavior is labeled “racist,” “sexist,” etc., then people are less inclined to be kind.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
John K., straight male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE:
Sheila, I feel the same way. When I take the time to hold a door or do anything that would warrant a “thank you” and don’t get it, I say “You’re Welcome” really loud. This forces most rude people to realize they haven’t responded properly. I then get a barely audible “Thank you.”
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Janet W., 33, black female <jbutler@commoncause.org>, Capitol Heights, Md

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As people become more busy and as their lives become more hectic, I’ve noticed they tend to let their manners slip. Perhaps those you’ve noticed as not being pleasant are just too busy with their own lives to remember their manners. I have been guilty of letting my manners slip also, but I try to make up for it by consciously extending politeness to as many strangers and acquaintances as I can. I say “thank you” and “please” as much as possible, and I think opening the door for anyone, male or female, is the simplest act of politeness and manners that anyone can do. An occasional “sir” or “ma’am” goes a long way, too.
POSTED NOV. 3, 1998
Stephen S., 31, male <SAScheidt@aol.com>, San Antonio, TX
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THE QUESTION:
GD42: I have noticed video games tend to be biased in the sense that women or black people are given roles within the games that mostly match their commonplace roles in society. Does anybody else agree? Do you know of any study on this subject?
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Peggy G., 47, <peggy.granata@granatapress.it>, Milan, Italy

ANSWER 1:
I have worked in a retail video game store for nearly five years, and I agree, although there has been no formal study of this. The companies that make games get their ideas about gender and race roles from other forms of media, such as television and movies. Also, in general, women and black people make up a smaller percentage of video game buyers, so you end up with a lot of white males programming video games. As video games become more mainstream, you will probably see some changes, but it will be a while until more women and African Americans become video game programmers.
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
C. Murdock <murdockl@hotmail.com>, Denver, CO
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THE QUESTION:
GD41: Does anyone think this site is yet another symptom of the breakdown in society’s connection? By that I mean the way we all sit alone in our cars, get home, shut the door and feel like we’ve been real sociable if we nodded at the guy next door washing his car?
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Stephen H., white European male <baronkgc@bigfoot.com>, Pflugerville, TX

ANSWER 1:
I don’t feel it is. If people keep in mind the original goal of the forum, it can be a useful resource for healthy and much-needed communication. True diversity means that freedom of expression thrives and individual opinions, experiences and perspectives are respected. I tend to try to be as non-judgmental as possible here because I have a genuine desire to engage with those who can challenge me. I value continual growth and development in my life, and the Y Forum is an additional way to gain insight on issues that all of us, on a day-to-day basis, face. Your question made me think!
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Dee, black female <westde@hiram.edu>, Cleveland, OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think this forum allows us to understand one another a little better, with a degree of anonymity. The editors keep the material from being offensive and reword it in a more “factual” way. Societal breakdown is not a phenomenon that is happening out there, but is the decision of millions of people who decide not to communicate with others. While some see this occurring, others see and do what they can to communicate with others and forestall societal breakdown.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
A. Urban, 45 <draugas@mailcity.com>, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think this site and the Internet in general, much like both TV and the automobile do, both divide us in some ways and bring us together in others. This site does allow people who are curious but may not know where to find the information to find out about people from other backgrounds. A person should be able to find out these questions by asking someone they know from that background. But apparently many people live in segregated places even today, judging from this site. This site also allows insults to pose as questions and often allows misinformation to pass for knowledge. It also has a double standard when it comes to using “confrontational” language: Non-whites are held to a far higher standard of behavior than whites. If that were corrected, it would be better for all of us.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
This forum is a proactive response to the breakdown in society, not a symptom of it. In other words, this isn’t a sign of disease, it is an attempt at the cure.
POSTED OCT. 28, 1998
D.F.B., single white female, 47, South Florida

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
To A.C.C.: The reason that people ask questions in the forum rather than asking people directly has nothing to do with segregated communities. Chances are, for example, that if a white male asks a black female why she does a certain thing, the statement will immediately be taken as racist, no matter how innocent the inquiry may be. This forum allows people of all cultures to ask the questions that they would not be able to safely ask. So far as the “double standard” goes, I have often noted that the moderators reject postings fairly equally. The only standard that they hold to is the requirement that a post not be racist, sexist, etc. or full of false information. If your posts are not getting onto the forum, you might want to consider that requirement before you cry foul.
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
John K., straight Irish-American male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
John, some questioners in this forum openly admit they don’t know anyone of the group they are asking about. Others mention being curious after seeing something in the street or at work that they don’t know but would like to find out about. Apparently many questions are asked because of segregation. I believe most of the questions in this forum that are simply curious can be asked without fear, as long as they are not harshly worded. I have never had any problems asking these types of questions of my friends who are white, black or Asian. I deeply resent your implication that I must be a racist if I have had problems posting to this forum. I challenge you to find anything in my posts that shows that. I believe my problems here have been because of my strident anti-racism, though to me the wording often seems innocuous. I urge you to discuss this with me by private email as well as in this public forum.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
A.C.C.: As I have mentioned in our private e-mail exchange, I never said you were a racist. I said that the moderators have criteria for what kind of posts they will allow, and that if your responses did not get posted, then you should check your responses against those criteria before you accuse people of a double standard. I think there are more than enough examples on this forum that can demonstrate its even-handed fairness. As you yourself say in your response to me, your posts seem innocuous to you. The moderators may not find those words so innocuous. I would point out that strident anti-racism, if not carefully worded, can be interpreted as racism in and of itself (if, for instance, one group is targeted for all the blame for a problem that has several root causes). As for the rest of your post, this forum would not exist if it were so easy to simply ask someone of a different group about their experiences or thoughts. I live in New Jersay and work in New York, and I can safely say that even the most carefully worded question can offend, even with a warning.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
John K., straight Irish-American male, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I find it disturbing, as evidenced by the posts, both questions and answers, that we as a society know so little about each other. I had a real eye-opener once while attending a class in college. The instructor asked how many of us had friends, outside of school, who were of a different ethnic background. I was the only one out of 35 students. And we were the enlightened, educated segment of society? Pretty sad. I agree with A.C.C. We very much lead segrated lives. I think we have far bigger, pressing issues besides race and socioeconomic concerns. At the rate we’re destroying the planet, it would be in our best interests to get beyond color and start acting like we all need food, air and water. And is it astonishing to others how many posts on the Y Forum are dedicated to race and far fewer to general diversity? When do we factor in personal values/character? Being black, educated, single, etc. does not fully explain a person’s perspective, nor does any one individual represent all that falls within any particular category. Ideally, I’d like to share with you my views and have them weighted more based on my values rather than you (reader) assuming my perspective is based heavily on factors I have no control over. Of course, these things (race, age, religion) influence my views, but they do not shape them solely. This board is a courageous effort that allows us to address diversity issues, but on a deeper level an opportunity for people to reconnect and improve our interspersonal skills. Many of us of are emotionally hungry for real intimacy in our lives.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Zawadi, black female, 33, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
John, I think your difficulty in asking people of other backgrounds questions may be due to living in, yes, a more segregated place. From what I’ve heard of New York and New Jersey, it’s far less integrated than where I live. San Antonians takes a great deal of pride in having desegregated earlier than most places, being recently named the best place in the United States for Latinos to live, etc. I do believe this forum has great value, as does our private discussion. But I have noticed, for example, that there are many questions from whites that have anti-Semitic premises or are hostile to immigrants, but there are almost none from blacks. Are we to believe there is little black prejudice against these groups? Or is there a double standard, even an unconscious one, to this forum? If so, doesn’t it partly defeat its own purpose and even unwittingly promote what it is seeking to end? I would like the editors to answer this question as well.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian <bigi__@yahoo.com>, San Antonio, TX

DIRECTOR’S RESPONSE: The process of selecting questions and responses submitted to the Y? Forum is entirely subjective and unscientific, though effort is made to ensure all parties from all backgrounds are given fair access and treatment (click here for more information). Y? does not attempt to skew the postings one way or the other in regard to demographic groups, though the director’s human failings are improved upon each time advice, praise and/or criticism is received. More submittals of questions or answers from members of non-minority groups are always encouraged and welcome.

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
To Zawadi: I couldn’t agree more.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Stephen S., 31, American male, San Antonio , TX
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