Race/Ethnicity Questions 371-380

THE QUESTION:
R380: I’d like to know why black people think my husband is cool for marrying a “sister,” but at the same time think I’m a traitor to my race for not choosing a black man. Can anyone explain this double standard?
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
L.S., 23, black female, Orlando, FL

ANSWER 1:
This problem is rather deep. If your husband is white, it reflects not so much different standards as different responsibilities inherited from slavery: His to atone for the sins of his forefathers; yours to redress the sufferings of your foremothers. One of the most debasing features of slavery was the white male’s freedom do anything he wanted with a black female – except marry her. He devalued her to a forced concubine and ready vehicle for his sexual relief without care, respect or responsibility. She was just there for the taking and was taken. His marrying her today re-validates her (vis a’ vis his forefathers) and implicitly atones for those sins by avowing precisely those things his forefathers never would have, and he is seen as being “cool” for doing it. If she cannot demonstrate having redressed the past, she is likely seen as flaunting it and gets the “How could you!?” reaction. For other non-black males, the dynamic is quite different. Since she was devalued by the white male, other non-black males marrying a black female are again seen as “cool,” but for being smart enough to see and honor her values. Attitudes against her marrying such males reflect the common garden variety of ethnocentrism. The past is unforgiving, and its ghosts will not rest until the wrongs have been righted.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
FLW, 57, black male, Columbia, Md.

FURTHER NOTICE:
To F.L.W.: The death of more than half a million white men in the Civil War atones for the sins of our ancestors. The death of Americans, black and white, in wars since have paid for the freedom we all enjoy. It seems this continued demand for atonement is a cry for something for nothing. I feel the debt is paid in full.
POSTED SEPT. 4, 1998
Monte W., 31, Caucasian, Toledo, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Monte W.: It’s attitudes like yours that stand in the way of healing. Black people do not enjoy freedom in America. You mentioned wars. Go to the library and read about blacks and the military. You say that you feel “the debt is paid in full.” Go to the library and read about what was done to black people during slavery and Jim Crow. And it hasn’t stopped. What this world needs is white people who care, who want to understand, who know that they, too, have been smeared by this ugliness. Black people hold no hatred for white people. We just don’t understand how so many can be so uncaring, insensitive and blind to the maltreatment of other human beings. But God is watching. He knows. I recently read that Thomas Jefferson wrote to a friend, “If there is a just God, we will pay for this.” He was talking about slavery. And slavery morphed into other forms of evil – racism, discrimination, bigotry, etc. What do you think God will have to say about that?
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Jaye, 63, black female, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think some people, myself included, thinks it’s cool that your husband, who I assume is white, married a black woman. But my theory on why some black people have a problem with it is that a lot us believe we need to stand by “our black man” because of the injustices he faces in the world. I believe you should marry whomever you want, and the world, whether it be black or white, be damned.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
S.G.M., 26, black female <smickles@hotmail.com>, Birmingham, AL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
This same question was posted on another board. You might want to visit www.twsonline.com/INTERracial to debate this a bit more. I think that it is sexist (along with racist). Many times, men (of any race or culture) still believe (in some form or fashion) that “their women” are “their property,” and that men of other races cannot mess with “their property.” I can’t tell you anything scientific, but I think your problem is not unique. At any rate, it needs to stop.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Mel B., 27, black female, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
It’s just that: A double standard. It’s like, in our culture, a man who sleeps with many women is a “player,” but a woman “rumored” to have slept with one man is a whore. Even if the woman sleeps around, she is no different from the man; she should be a player. This man is no different from this woman; he is a whore. But society’s double standards are not often fair where we women are concerned. You are a traitor, but that black man who is dating (or married to) a white woman is to be commended because he has a “trophy.” Try not to let it worry you. You aren’t a traitor. You followed your heart. And you’d rather be married to a white man you love and be happy than a black man you don’t and be sad.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
Whitney T., 18, black female, open-minded <wkthomps@olemiss.edu>, Oxford , MS
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THE QUESTION:
R379: Why does it seem that a larger percentage of black people have a gap between their front teeth?
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
Tony S., Orcutt, CA

ANSWER 1:
I have not noticed that more people of any particular group have teeth that are better or worse than other groups. Maybe the people you notice are from households where the economic situation is not as fortunate as in other households.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
G. Brown, 42, black male, Charlotte, NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’ve noticed the opposite: That blacks generally have great teeth. I asked an odontologist about it, and she said many people in her field share the opinion that blacks have better teeth structure than almost any other race. Besides, when I lived in the United States for 10 years, almost all the kids I saw with braces also had freckles.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
N. Agelvis, 29, white-Hispanic male <nelsoneas@hotmail.com>, Caracas, Venezuela

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have not noticed a disproportionate number of African Americans having gaps between teeth. If there is such a trend, then I have a possible idea why. This is only my personal theory, so please take it with a grain of salt. Orthodontics is big business in America, even compared to Europe (where one poster here said crooked teeth is more common). However, it is very expensive to get braces, on the order of $1,000 – $2,000, and requires good access to health care and dental services. As African Americans are disproportionately not as well-off economically and financially as whites, they are less likely to have access to an orthodontist. It is the same reason (aside from certain genetically linked diseases like sickle-cell anemia) that African Americans have disproportionately high rates of other health problems like high blood pressure and diabetes.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mihir, Indian-American male, 25 <mishah@vt.edu>, Skokie, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I live in Ireland, where we have a very small black population. One thing I have noticed about black people here (mostly direct immigrants from African nations) is how bright and perfect their teeth seem to be. I know they may only seem brighter because they are framed by darker skin, but I haven’t noticed any with noticeable gaps in their teeth. On the other hand, I do know many indigenous Irish people with this unfortunate problem.
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Agrivaine <agrivaine@yahoo.com>, Dublin, Ireland

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’m a mix of a few races, neither black nor white. However, my teeth and my siblings’ teeth are in excellent shape (so say our dentists). I’m 25 without a cavity, discoloration or any other problems. However, all my white friends had the luxury of having braces, whereas I’m still not able to afford the orthodontic work I need. But as far as basic structure goes, I’ve noticed that most minority people I know (especially blacks) have beautiful, strong white teeth compared to many of my white friends, who have small, yellowing, brittle unhealthy teeth.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
S.G., FL
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THE QUESTION:
R378: I moved to the United States a year ago. Why is the word “Aryan” considered derogatory? Coming from India, where the current Hindu customs are derived from the ancient Aryan/Vedic culture, this is strange. In India, the word “Aryan” is synonymous with “noble,” and many mythological TV serials have characters addressing each other as Arya Putra (Aryan son). And Arya Samaj is a popular Hindu movement with branches and followers all around the world.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
Amit, 25, Indian <amit@well.com>, TX

ANSWER 1:
Aryan became derogatory during World War II, when Hitler used it to describe his “master” race. It commonly now is used to describe hate groups and other racist organizations typically involved in the so-called “White Power movement.” These groups thrive on hate, thuggery, lies and ignorance; thus the negative association.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
White male, 38, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Adolf Hitler described the Aryan race as blond-haired, blue-eyed and tall. From a historical perspective, the Aryans, as you say, are from India and are not German at all. When Americans hear the word “Aryan,” they associate it with the Nazis, Neo-Nazis and other White Supremacist groups. The fact that true Aryans are from India does not seem to bother people much. But then, the little details such as actual history rarely bother us.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
B., 22, straight white male, Kokomo, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
After the British colonized India, European scholars began studying Sanskrit and found that it had remarkable similarities with European languages like Latin and Greek. Sanskrit, northern Indian languages (which are descended from Sanskrit), and most European ones are indeed classified as Indo-European. Eventually, some Europeans studying ancient Indian scriptures and literature like the Vedas developed a (now discredited) theory that the writers of the Vedas were a white race (the “Aryans”) that invaded the subcontinent and subdued the darker natives, later mixing with them, resulting in today’s India with its varying shades of brown. Over time this “scholarly” notion of the “Aryans” found its way into Nazi ideology. The Bhagavad Gita, a famous Hindu text, was the favorite book of Heinrich Himmler, the leader of the SS and architect of the Holocaust. The word “swastika” is in fact a Sanskrit one, although swastikas were also found in pre-Christian Nordic culture, so there is more than one possible origin for the Nazis’ use of the symbol. Nonetheless, the Nazis unfortunately succeeded in making the words “Aryan” and “swastika” icons of hate and white supremacy, rather than the rather benign concepts of Indian culture they should have been.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mihir, Indian-American male, 25 <mishah@vt.edu>, Skokie, IL
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THE QUESTION:
R377: My grandma nursed the babies of the white woman she worked for in the ’30s, but she still had to come in the back door, and she still couldn’t sit at the white woman’s table. It’s been 35 years since I first asked why this happened, and I still would like a better answer than what I’ve received. Does anyone have one?
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
A.A.W., 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL

ANSWER 1:
This is not a particularly logical attitude, but I think it has a simple explanation. The aversion to having blacks use the front door or sit at the table was not because it put them in close physical proximity, but rather that such actions implied equality. Thus, blacks could cook and serve meals, but not sit at the table with whites. “We go to keep them in their place!” was meant very literally, and anyone growing up in that society knew when the line was crossed. Many cultures through history have been perfectly willing to live in close contact with “inferiors” as long as the recognition of differential status was maintained. The particular indicators of differential status varied between societies. Nursing of white babies by a black woman in the South was probably a little unusual, but there is a long history of “inferiors” being used as wet-nurses. For example, read the story of Moses in the Bible.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
T. Douglas, 52, white male, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
Thanks T. Douglas, for your response. Grandma was inferior, but her milk wasn’t; seems 50 percent racist to me. Either you are or you aren’t – and so the world turns. Thanks again.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
A.A.W., 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There’s a long tradition (at least in Europe) of women of lower class being hired to wet-nurse the children of the upper class. Not to mention the still-current practice of giving over much of the care and raising of children to “lower-class” women who are then looked down upon. Seems pretty weird to me, too.
POSTED JAN. 21, 1999
Catherine H., female <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA
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THE QUESTION:
R376: Why are Asian male/white female couples much rarer than Asian female/white male couples? And why does one hardly ever see an Asian male/black female couple?
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Julie B., 25, white <bouzoun@mri.jhu.edu>, Baltimore, MD

ANSWER 1:
I think it’s a matter of exposure, personal conceptions and background. Asian males seem to have a “stick-to-your-own” mentality, while Asian women have more of a “go get him” mentality (this is not to speak for all Asians, just the ones I’ve been in contact with). This idea is borne from my contact with other Asian males and females, particularly with those born and/or raised in the United States (like me). Asian women get approached because of the stereotypical “exotic” nature of “Oriental women” that men find so attractive (not the only reason, of course, but it’s an attention-getter). Asian men, however, aren’t approached by non-Asian women as much because of the stereotype that they are analytical and quiet. Boisterousness (read: self-confidence) is not usually a characteristic attributed to Asian men, unless they happen to be around other Asians, usually of the same culture (Japanese to Japanese, Korean to Korean, Vietnamese to Vietnamese, etc.)

I have to confess that sometimes I find myself wondering what it would be like to date a Japanese woman. But since I don’t know any in the area, I don’t even think about it. Beyond my girlfriend (who is white) and myself, I have never seen any other Asian male/white female couple. Ironically, my manager is a Chinese woman who is married to a white man.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
Japanese male dating white female, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
In my experience, Asian male/white female relationships are not as rare as they appear. In Chicago, especially at large city socials like Taste of Chicago, I see such couples among a crowd. However, you’re right that AM/WF couples are less common than white male/Asian female couples. I think one of the main reasons are that WM/AF couples have been “accepted” in the media and in real life for a very long time, as far back as when white male colonials visited China and Japan and married the locals there. But images of Asian males in sexual relationships with white females still bring up associations of “little Japanese businessmen” doting upon tall, blonde “party-girls;” the fear of white females being “taken” by non-white men is an age-old and continuing taboo (black slaves raping white women, etc.). Other reasons concern the myth that Asian men have small penises, which in part, insults white women, because it questions their motives for being with certain men and avoiding others. There are other more sociological reasons that concern the negative labels attached to the Asian male sexual identity in the United States and general social roles of men and women (e.g. tall, strong, bold men with rock-hard abs are considered desirable in America, but Asian males are accused of lacking such qualities).
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
David L., 25, Asian-male <dlin@orion.it.luc.edu>, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
In Canada (Toronto), Asian male/white female relationships aren’t rare. They’re probably as common as white male/Asian female relationships. I think this is a phenonmenon you find only in the United States.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Mark D., 31, white male, Markham, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Many people I have known who are half Asian and half white have Asian dads and white moms. But then again, people of Asian descent make up a sizable percentage of the population in Hawaii, and inter-ethnic marriage is quite common here.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
R. Saito, 19, Japanese American, Kailua, HI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
There are certainly many different reasons Asian girls marry foreign or white men more than Asian men marry foreign or white women, but from my perspective of living in Taiwan and being married to an Asian girl, the biggest reason seems to be the attraction of what Western culture can give them in their lives compared to their own culture. Men have a tremendous dominate influence in Asian cultures. Here in Taiwan, in 99 percent of the divorce cases the man gets custody of the children. When parents die, the property traditionally is given to the men of the family, and women once married have to pretty much obey the mother-in-law and have a tremendous pressure to produce a male offspring. Most Asian women have to follow the traditional role, so marrying a Westerner is an attractive alternative. Many educated women here enter the monastary to become nuns as an alternative to following tradition. As for why you don’t see as many black men married to Asian women, it is partly because it is usually white businessmen who travel, so Asian women don’t have as much opportunity to meet black men. But there are more black men married to Asian women than you may imagine.
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Dave, male, Taipei, Taiwan

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
It seems to me that the main factor is mass media portrayals. Asian women have been portrayed for decades as desirable, sexy and willing. Asian men have been portrayed mainly as foreign, geeky and asexual. (It doesn’t help that the last three major American conflicts have been fought in Japan, Korea and Vietnam.) And think about sex symbols: Any race of males has its own sex symbols every decade or generation. However, Asian men haven’t had one since Bruce Lee, who’s been dead for 25 years. I know this might seem like I’m placing an undue emphasis on how the media portrays us, but if you never see examples of sexy Asian men, how would you ever become attracted to them? It isn’t because we don’t exist, but in general the media (and most Americans, I think) are more comfortable with Asian- American men as Asians and foreigners and “the other” first, and everyday Americans with all the attendant privileges (including being dating material) second, if they grant them that at all.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
David, 35, Filipino-American male <HoopNation@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I am white and dated an American man of Japanese/German descent. I quite liked the difference in his body from that of European-descended guys I have dated (his skin was smoother and less hairy). However, he did have slightly old-fashioned views on sex and gender roles, which he claimed came from his father, but could have been because he was a Capricorn! Anyway, to the point, it may be cultural, not racial – I also see few “white” American women with men who are of male-dominated and “old-fashioned” cultures like India, Pakistan, Iran and Turkey.
POSTED JAN. 14, 1999
Lisa, 26, female, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I’m Asian, never thought about it, never noticed it, don’t plan on looking. To me, that makes everything possible. I have two wonderful heterozygous daughters, and hope they aren’t looking, either. Maybe I’m just dreaming.
POSTED JAN. 20, 1999
Dean W., Asian male, 47, with white wife, VT

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Living in Taipei, Taiwan, for a few months I was surprised to find out that most of the guys there were not at all attracted to the tall busty blonde type, or Western women in general. As a matter of fact, those girls seemed kind of like aliens (and intimidating) to them. Their dream girls were all innocent-looking but extremely sensuous Japanese girls. You saw those girls in calendars, pin-ups, post cards and signs, and it’s what the guys talked about when they got together. Now the women over there were definitely attracted and very open (in their own way) to the typical well-uilt Westerner. I’m white Latin – and boy, did I have a good time!
POSTED JAN. 27, 1999
Nelson A., 29, white/Hispanic <nelsoneas@hotmail.com>, Caracas, Venezuela

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
David hit the nail on the head. Asian males are almost non-existent in the American media, and when they are depicted, it’s as a screaming karate stereotype or in some other unappealing manner. You also cannot understate the effect of the last three wars on the psyche of people in this country. Asians are the only race that ever had nuclear weapons used against them. Those weapons were also seriously considered for use in Korea and Vietnam. Yet the courage of the Asian fighting man is always portrayed as fanaticism. The bitter pill of the most powerful country in the world not being able to win non-nuclear land wars in Asia leads to the portrayal of Asian males as less than other races – this is why the need to emasculate Asian males with this absurd notion that we all have small penises. This is what is comfortable to Americans, even though Asians also fought on our side in all those wars. Women do not want to be seen as settling for a man who is the subject of ridicule.
POSTED APRIL 19, 1999
Mick, Korean American, male, Dover, NH

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I’ve seen a lot of evidence of African female/Asian male couples while working with the family photographs of those who have moved to North America from the Caribbean. There is a large Asian poplulation there, and from what I can tell an historical lack of societal restrictions or pressures keeping these people apart. I’ve met many Afro-Asian people here in Toronto.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
W. Mark D., male <carlduffy@yahoo.com>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Most interracial couples consist of a white female and minority male. The reason for this is that white females are not satisfied with white males.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
Jodie S., white female, Helsinki, Finland

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
Asian men are sexy! I know plenty of women who fancy Asian men. Not every woman likes a hairy chest. Basically, a good looking guy, no matter what his genetic background, always has an easier time with women. From my experience in dating a Japanese man, I think such couples can encounter subtle opposition from families and friends. You may notice that your date Kenny gets a better reception then Kenji did. Nothing too overt or nasty of course, but as a result I think you need stronger commitment than most in order to succeed as a couple. I also agree that media sterotypes are very narrow.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1999
Luc, female <luci88@yahoo.com>, Melbourne, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R375: Why do people say, when white people dress “hip-hop” and listen to R&B, that they are trying to act black? And that when black people talk proper and listen to music other than R&B, that they are trying to act white? (One of our teachers heard about Y? and asked me to post a question to the site from our computer lab.)
POSTED JULY 17, 1998
Computer lab manager, Inner city, 42, white <jaysea@juno.com>, Florida

ANSWER 1:
I think it is because so many people feel we should be characterized by our race. Music is music and fashion is fashion. I don’t think it should make a difference. The fact that people can appreciate things outside what is associated with their race is great. I listen to all kinds of music that is considered “white,” and I have white friends who listen to “black” music. I think it helps us relate to each other even better.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
K.P., 18, African American <klp113@theglobe.com>, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE:
There are several answers to your question: 1) It requires too much thought to realize someone can have ideas different from those they look like; 2) Conformity is more comfortable than non-comformity, so we notice the latter more; 3) Just enough white people hate blacks to give us all a bad name; 4) Just enough black people hate whites to give them a bad name; and 5) Clothing/music/movie marketing executives make too much money from stereotyping “black” and “white” products.
AUG. 1, 1998
B., 22, straight white male, Kokomo, IN
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THE QUESTION:
R374: Does it hurt that much to be an African American?
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Rev. J. O’Daily, 38, European American, Tallahassee, FL

ANSWER 1:
It only hurts when people disrespect us, just as it probably hurts when people disrespect you. All we want is to be treated as equals. Remember this: We are all members of the same race. The Human Race.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
B.V.R. (Beyond Visual Range), black male <alski96@airmail.net>, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t think being black hurts at all. Anyone of any race, creed or color can be proud of that heritage and upbringing. I am a young African-American female who has always found pride in myself and my race. I hear my fellow blacks talking and complaining about “the white man” and what he has done and continues to do to us, but we can only use that excuse for so long. I have not walked a mile in someone else’s shoes, but I know my own trials and believe that although it may not be easy, we can still rise above racism and prejudices of all kinds; black, white, red, woman or man. It may sound idealistic, but it is definitely possible. So if I had it to choose all over again, I would put my money on black any day!
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Shawn, 28, African American, Orlando, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It doesn’t hurt at all being black, and I never felt I should feel inferior because of it. I love who I am, but if you mean as a whole do blacks endure unnecessary stress just because they are black, I would say yes … and that hurts. That is not fair. You wonder sometimes, “Why me?” You don’t let the hurt dictate how you live, love and feel, but it does nag you like a gnat.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Joyce J., black single female <PLatimer@MSN.COM>, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It doesn’t hurt to be African American. The racism received for being an African American and the reactions we get as a result of stereotyping does hurt. The worst experience I’ve had where my feelings were hurt happened just five days ago. I was in a major department store looking for some soap. So was a white woman and her four-year-old son. I was standing about 10 feet from the lady and her son. Her son was hanging off the edge/end of the basket. He fell. I rushed over to help him up because his mother looked stunned. He wasn’t crying. When I reached down and picked him up, he started to cry. I was telling him it was going to be OK when his mom literally snatched him from me and looked at me with accusation flaring in her eyes. I was shocked. Here I was trying to help a child up and his mom is looking at me like I knocked him off the edge of the basket (please remember I was standing about 10 feet away). Belatedly, she gained her wits and thanked me. Feeling rather wilted, I quietly told her she was welcome and that it was no problem. As I was turning to leave (my feelings crushed), she was telling the child to thank me. He was silent. She asked him if he would tell the “nice lady” thank you. He answered her with a resounding, “No!” I just gave a sad little smile and told her that was OK and walked off. I felt as if my heart were breaking. I kept remembering the look she gave me when she snatched her son and the way he wasn’t even crying until he looked up and saw me. I think this is the worse feeling I’ve ever had. I will definitely approach the situation cautiously when helping another white woman and her child. Oh, and I never did get my soap.
POSTED JULY 23, 1998
Whitney T., 18, Southern black <wkthomps@olemiss.edu>, Oxford, MS

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Imagine you wake up every day paid lower than your white counterparts with the same education and stopped by the police because you appear suspicious. It could be because of the car you drive – it may look too expensive. Are the police implying black people can’t drive a car over a certain dollar amount? Imagine you’re at work, and your employer takes work from you to justify giving a white person more work to increase her pay. The prisons are full of black men on petty charges. In jail for possessing a small amount of marijuana. White people can murder and get out in five, but some states imprison you for life for possessing a small amount of marijuana. So imagine waking up being black: Yes, it hurts all of the time.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
A. McGee, Forestville, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The majority of the time it does not hurt. I don’t wake up every morning saying, “Boy, am I glad I am/am not an African American!” I wake up just glad to wake up. The times I dislike being an African American are when I have to buy something and endure people following me in stores because of the stereotype that all blacks steal. Also, when I buy a car, house, etc. and always have that little nagging question of, “If I were white, would the price still have been the same?” I always feel like I have to approach these situations with full armor on, if you know what I mean. I go in with “attitude,” so people know I am not stupid because of the color of my skin. Yes, sometimes it is hard to be black, but most of the time it is just great to be alive.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
Cheryl, 44 , black <blackcherrie@yahoo.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
At times being an African American can be very difficult. I have lived in suburbs all of my life, so I have kept a pretty open mind. But once an African American who has grown up in my situation gets his/her first taste of racism, it is devastating. Living in the suburbs kind of made me numb to racism. My first encounter was a shock (let alone the fact that I thought there couldn’t possibly be racism in “Friendly Town, USA.”) But as the saying goes: What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I have learned to take things for face value and not for what I want them to be.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Malinda B., 18, African American, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Sometimes it does hurt. As a black child growing up in a white middle-class neighborhood, I was often verbally and physically abused by older children for reasons I could not understand. My one true friend was a wheelchair-bound white girl. We shared something I now understand. Aloneness. As an adult in the professional community, I find situations where I am the only person of color in a meeting. I’m not treated the same. I’m either singled out for “my” opinion, or I am ignored. Socially, I cannot seem to blend in with my white associates, and that does hurt.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
Al C., 42, black male <ABCCool@AOL.com>, Utica, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
What do you mean by “hurt”? I’m extremely proud to be a black American. My spouse and I are college graduates, go to work every day, pay our bills, don’t ask for handouts, have never been involved in any criminal activity nor drug use and have two great kids who are excelling and respecting their elders and authority figures. We love life just like anyone else. It’s the fear of the unknown that white people have that may seem to hurt us. Go down to FrenchTown (yes, I’m a Florida State University grad) in Tallahassee, sit a spell at the soul food restaurant and chat; you won’t know until you’ve been there.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
ANABWI, 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I think “hurt” is the wrong word. It doesn’t hurt to be an African American; in fact, it shouldn’t “hurt” to be anybody. However, in some ways being a minority is hard, especially in our society. African Americans and other minorities face discrimination, hatred and stereotypes in society that are obviously hard to deal with. For example, the Voting Rights Act of 1965, which gave blacks the right to vote, will expire in 2007. No other group in the United States is subjected to that kind of position because all other groups have constitutional amendments protecting their right to vote. It doesn’t really hurt, it’s just sometimes harder. I don’t think it hurts to be who you are; sometimes there are just negative things you have deal with in society when you are a minority.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Kim, 17, black female, AL

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
One can delve into many perceptions of this query; one can even rightly assume you are referring to physical pain. I will take for granted you are not. I am extremely proud of being black; we have a rich history to rejoice in. We invented the traffic light, the gas mask, paved the way for today’s necessity of blood banking; we have led armies and nations; we have taught medicine and science to the Europeans. Upon consideration of these notable feats, I definitely proclaim with vehemence and vigor that I am a black woman. I will admit it does hurt when I hear one begrudge one of my fellow black Americans, for in besmirching one of us, you vilify the lot. Stereotypes are what hurt most, and Europeans tend to label as defective anything that is foreign; in essence, xenophobia is the rule of the day. So, in some ways, yes, it does hurt to be black. It hurts to be black when others who don’t understand your culture and practices mock and find humor in what you do. Other than that, power to the people.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Jennifer G., 30, black <ibvanity@aol.com>, St. Petersburg, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
To Whitney: What made you believe that that was a racial incident? Sounds to me that the child was not happy that a “stranger” picked him up, and that the mother didn’t like the help you gave her. There are many inconsiderate and selfish people in the world, and I think you found another one of them.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
B.C., white male, St. Louis , MO

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
Whitney, you should have let the child fall and let his mother pick him up. I make it a policy to not touch children of any color (but particularly white children) that I do not know, because the child’s parent may act irrationally. And, many times, white parents don’t want any black person touching their child. That is still the sad state of our country.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Mel B., black female, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
Tell you what, Rev. O’Daily: Go to your local performing arts theater. Tell them you want to perform an experiment, and you would like them to transform you into a black man. They can probably help you with makeup and hair. (If your eyes are blue, you might have to go with sunglasses.) Once you are transformed, go about your business as normal. Go to the places you always go, and behave the same way you’ve always behaved. Drive the same way you always drive. Shop the same places you always shop. After a day of this, write back and tell us what happened. Maybe you’ll be able to answer your own question.
POSTED DEC. 28, 1998
E. Daniel, black woman, 42, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
When I was in high school, I had a group of friends of many racial/ethnic backgrounds. I envied and admired my black girlfriends because of what I perceived to be their superior self-confidence, lack of repression and better body image. I was with my closest black girlfriend one day and told her I wished I had been born black. She just shook her head at me, saying, “Girl, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” That was all she would ever say. Now that I think about it, she was right.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Lisa, 26, of Irish Catholic/German Jewish/Cherokee descent, <lmlll@hotmail.com>, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I was a little disturbed by Whitney T.’s answer. It takes a caring person to pick a stranger’s child up off the floor. I am not clear on whether Whitney thinks the child started crying because he looked up and saw a black person standing over him (it seemed that she was implying that). I think that if a young child sees a stranger (black or white) standing over them, he or she would think it was kind of scary. I also think that after falling out of a shopping cart and then being told to say “thank you,” the child may not feel like cooperating (even though he should). I think Whitney should continue to be the caring person she was when she picked the child up off the floor, rather than saying she would not help a white person again. I know that I don’t know what it is like to be black, but I know that I have been treated badly by black people in the past. If I swore never to be nice to a black person again because of it, that would make me racist. I would never want to be considered racist. I continue to be nice to all people and just hope that others will do the same. Kindness is contagious. If someone does something nice for you, you should then do something nice for someone else. Don’t let some bad people ruin it for everyone else.
POSTED JAN. 12, 1999
Marilyn Y., white female, Royal Oak, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R373: Is it true that black people get really hot when they are in the sun?
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Scot R., 23 <robinson.302@osu.edu>, Columbus, OH

ANSWER 1:
Yes, we get really hot, just as you do. What exactly do you mean by “really hot”? You tend to see the sweat more on darker-skinned blacks, and our skin is usually oilier, so there comes the shine. We have more melanin in our skin so we may not burn as quickly as white people. But can you clarify yourself?
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
ANABWI, 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
Only if the temperature hits 100 or above.We’re experiencing a heatwave in sunny California. Anyone interested in sharing a carton of ice cream?
Sharon J. <viscan@aol.com>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I know I do! My (dark brown) skin starts to feel prickly after a few minutes of direct sunlight, as if I were starting to get a sunburn.
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Pat W., 40, black female <pwoodhouse@helsell. com>, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I believe we get no hotter or colder than the average white person. I was at an amusement park in my hometown over the summer, and we were standing in line to get some food, and this young white woman passed out because of the heat.
POSTED DEC. 4, 1998
S.G.M., 26, black female <smickles@hotmail.com>, Birmingham, AL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’m not exactly sure what you mean by getting “hot,” but I’ve taken three trips to the Carribbean where the sun is really hot, and I’ve not had a problem at all. I try to avoid too much exposure to direct sunlight, anyway.
POSTED DEC. 9, 1998
Sudana <Ebonique@msn.com>, New York , NY
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THE QUESTION:
R372: Does “white-on-white” crime exist in America? If so, why doesn’t it inspire as much hand-wringing as “black-on-black” crime seems to?
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Jay B., 38, black, <jayboyd@ameritech.net>, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
White-on-white crime exists in America, along with every racial perpetrator/victim combination you can imagine. The reason this doesn’t elicit the same degree of hand-wringing as black-on-black crime does goes to the heart of how we view ourselves as members of a group. Being a black American is more than a matter of sharing a skin color; we share a common heritage, history, set of obstacles and achievements. This causes a cohesiveness that should encourage us to stick together – and therefore reaction of angst results when we don’t. A better question would compare the African-American community with a subdivision of the white community – say the Jewish community or the Irish-American community. Few whites would say that all white people should stick together (except those with racist motives), while I don’t think it’s uncommon for a subdivision of the white community with a common heritage to feel they should stick together.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
C. Smith, 30, African-American male <smith.ch@mailexcite.com>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Certainly there is white-on-white crime. Not all criminals are black, nor all victims black. If your question concerns whether white crime is racially motivated, the answer is: No more than all black-on-black crime is motivated by race. You sound as though you believe the hand-wringing about black-on-black crime is lip-service to a real problem. Don’t the statistics of black-on-black crime bother you? Or is it not an issue until the criminal is white and the victim is black? Or vice-versa?
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Mary, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
White-on-white crime definitely exists. I think much of the reason it is not spoken of as much about as black-on-black crime is the government. I see it as the government using media to portray a certain people in a certain light in order to keep fear and division going. It is easier to control people on the whole in this manner. I was reading something that showed lower classes and minorities (blacks especially) were more likely to face severe penalties for a crime than an upper-class white person who did the same crime or worse. You might want to read a book calledDemocracy For the Few by Michael Parenti. It talks a lot about the question you asked.
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Cindy, white female <Cindy@mail.voyager.com>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Whites commit just as many crimes on other whites as blacks do on other blacks; it’s just that since 99 percentof the media in America is contrrolled by whites. They get to pick and choose which criminal events are worthy of the attention of their mainly white readership.
POSTED JAN. 6, 1999
Alan J., black male <pabsys@idt.net>, Jacksonville, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R371: Why do so many African-American women have such a negative reaction to African-American men dating white women? I am a 21-year-old white woman who has been dating an African-American man for a year. I have been shocked by the negative and often hostile reactions my African-American female friends have had to our relationship. I have heard African-American women look at interracial relationships as if white women are stealing their men. Is this true?
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Carinn, 21, NJ

ANSWER 1:
Carinn, if you and that man of yours love each other, then forget everyone else. I think some black women get upset because the pool of good, honest, hardworking black men has diminished. By your dating one, I think they may see him as another brotha’ off the market. Peace.
POSTED JULY 20, 1998
B.V.R. (Beyond Visual Range), 31, black male <alski96@airmail.net>, N.Y.

FURTHER NOTICE:
As an African-American female, I have absolutely no “hang-ups” about interracial dating. I date interracially, and my cousin is married outside of our race. I applaud the people in the relationship for being so strong to withstand the pressures of society placed on interracial couples. I know how incredibly difficult it is to be in a relationship outside of the race. For many African-American women, it does seem that white women are taking “their” men. What they fail to realize is that there are a lot more than just African-American men they can date. They don’t realize that race is just a color. People are people … that’s the bottom line.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
M.B., 18, African-American female, Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Yes, black women are threatened by this. It seems as if there are few good black men to go around, and when they are taken, we feel hurt, resented, etc. I feel if a black man excludes himself and dates only white women, it’s sending me the message that I am not good enough, etc.. Also, it is even less common to see males of other races with black women. We feel as if we won’t be able to have anyone. Other times we feel that if the white woman is unattractive, that he is with her only because of her skin color. It does not bother me as much as it does others. I am rather accepting. I feel if someone truly loves someone, color shouldn’t matter.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
K.P., 18, African American <klp113@theglobe.com>, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
There was a time in this country when black men were strung up a tree just for looking at white women. White women used the N-word to greet a black man instead of calling his name. And then of course, there’s the myth white slave owners started that all black men were “well-endowed,” so Miss Anne sneaked around to get a bit of the “forbidden,” if you get my drift. Old hurts still run deep and we’re still stepping back three spaces as we move up one.
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
ANABWI, 42, black female <anabwi@aol.com>, Plantation, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
As a black female, I will try to answer your question intelligently and not emotionally. It seems as if the numbers of black men who are “eligible” or “more desirable” (to some) are dwindling. Black people in general make up about 12 percent of the U.S. population. Black women outnumber black men at least 2 to 1. Add to that drugs, poverty, imprisonment and homosexuality, and you don’t have a lot of folks left. With this scenario, many black women are angered to see a black man with a white woman because many black women perceive the glass as being more than half empty. However, black male/white female interracial marriages only make up only 5 percent or less of marriages. So it would seem as if more people would concentrate their energies on other societal ills and problems, such as drugs, prison, equal access to justice and quality of life. That being said, hopefully your relationship is based on love and not stereotypes. People need to realize they do not have a monopoly on people of their same ethnicity.
POSTED DEC. 7, 1998
Mel B., black female, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
First, and more important, if you and your man are happy, then that’s all that matters. I have only had a problem with an African-American male who says he is dating outside of his race because of something the African-American women has done. I’ve heard a few Brothers state this, and I’d be offended to hear that if I were a white woman. In a sense, he’d be saying that he’s only seeing her because of a bad experience with someone else. My question to the African-American male who would make a statement like that is, “Why do you feel the need to belittle the black woman to justify a choice he’s made?
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
Kenya <kenyaa@earthlink.net>, Los Angeles area , CA
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