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Race/Ethnicity Questions 21-30

THE QUESTION:
R30: I’m an African-American woman who, for the most part, dates interracially. Why does there seem to be a double standard placed on African-American women who date white men, but none for African-American men who date white women?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Cecily W., Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
I think that double standard is based on attitudes developed over the years. I think growing up in an all-white suburb made me self-conscious about my own race. It took me a while to realize that beauty is more than being blond and that I could find my black female classmates attractive. Several factors implied to me that to date a white woman would be a “step up” for black men. On the other side of the coin, “Would it not be a step down for white men to date black women?” I thought to myself. Even then, I knew it was a wrong attitude, but it was a seed in my mind that took a while to uproot.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
John M., Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
Isn’t that an interesting dynamic? If a Chinese man marries an East Indian woman, no one cares. Same with an Italian man and a Japanese woman, etc. And if a black woman dates or marries a white man, no one seems to care. But let a white woman date a black man, and all of a sudden there’s hostility. The primary sources of the hostility are black women and white men! Black women start with “she stole our man,” and white men think “what’s wrong with her?” I am mystified by this as well. Part of it might be that white men still run everything, and they feel most threatened by black men due to sexual stereotyping. As for black women, perhaps they have a theory of scarcity and believe there are not enough men to go around.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
Sara, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
One of the best analyses of the interracial attraction (although I don’t adhere to his assertions) between black men and white women is given by the late Eldridge Cleaver in his book, Soul On Ice. I believe his explanations are to explain his particular attractions to white women. To answer your question, in my experience, the tongues will wag, eyes roll and teeth will be sucked whether there is a white male/black female couple or a black male/white female couple. This seems especially true of the black male/white female couple when the male is affluent (either via athletics, entertainment or politics). In cases where the black female is the more affluent (e.g. Dianne Carroll) I can’t say that me and my boys had less of an emotional or verbal response than some sisters would have in the opposite case.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
M. Green, black, 28 <marcusjgreen@msn.com>, Richmond, VA
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THE QUESTION:
R29: When I was young, my mother told me that black people dared not go into the rain with hair uncovered because the hair would not dry quickly enough to avoid becoming “soured” (which I understood to mean developing an unpleasant odor). I have wondered about this for many years and have been too embarrassed to ask any of my black acquaintances.
POSTED MARCH 15 ,1998
Mimi F., 60, white, Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
For many years, black women relied on a straightening comb to attain the straight-hair look. When confronted with rain or humidity, the hair would revert to its natural state or “go back.” This does not cause a foul smell. I have never heard the term “soured.” Your mother was misinformed. You may also be curious why black people don’t wash their hair as often as others. We don’t have the oiliness problem that others do, so it isn’t necessary to wash our hair as often.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Rain, 43 ,black female <PRBKB@airmail.net>
Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
My experience is that my hair doesn’t so much smell as it gets kinky or goes back to a natural state, like after washing (I get perms every 5-7 weeks). Besides making hair hard to comb, the hair, whatever style, gets bushier and unmanageable. If the hair gets too wet, you have to “do hair” from the beginning (wash, condition, etc.) What you have on your hair – braids, perm, wrap, etc. – determines how wet you can afford the hair to get. It’s funny, but I must admit that, as a young child, we were taught that whites’ hair smelled like puppies when it got wet! Perhaps it’s just the ability to smell others’ hair but not you own, like when you are wearing perfume. Hope this helps.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Kim C., 41, black <kcarter@mriresearch.org>
Kansas City , MO

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I heard pretty much the same thing about white people when I was a child. I know that I didn’t like for my processed hair to be wet, because it takes so long to re-style the hair. Over time, I’ve learned that most people have pretty much similar hair, though.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Apryl P.,Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Many black people, especially women, wear their hair in some type of straightened style. If hair that is straightened with heat (pressed or hot-combed) becomes wet, it reverts, or “goes back,” to its natural or “kinky” texture. Because it takes a long time to achieve a straight hairstyle, and because some black people do not like the look of kinky-textured hair, they avoid getting their hair wet at all costs. This explains why some blacks don’t like to go out in the rain or high humidity, go swimming or even sweat! A lot of blacks also use perms (chemical hair straighteners), which also lose their style when wet.

Ironically, as a child I was told white people smelled if their hair got wet! Go figure.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Dr. J., Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’ve been waiting for this question! When I was 12, a white woman said this about me. I was with my Girl Scout troop, and I was the only black person on the trip. My mother told me not to swim or it might mess up my braids that had to last three days. (I couldn’t braid my own hair.) My Girl Scout leader told the other girls I wasn’t swimming because my hair would stink afterward. I was so hurt by her ignorance.

I think you should know that black people say the same thing about white people. Ask one. We think white people have a very unpleasant odor when they get wet. I don’t know where these odors come from – hair products, natural body odors – but I find it interesting that we think this about each other.

Clean, just-washed hair smells good on anyone, even us black folks. (I like apple-scented shampoos myself.) But hair that has been dampened or wet in the rain or in the pool stinks on anyone. Perhaps you’re just used to your stink, and we’re used to ours.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Nicole M., black female, Jacksonville, Fla.

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
As a former competitive swimmer who has been around very wet hair belonging to black and white swimmers, I can say from experience that there is no odor to wet hair of any race. However, none of us used any cosmetic preparations on our hair.
POSTED NOV. 19, 1998
R. Stewart, black <rostew@aol.com>, Chicago, IL
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THE QUESTION:
R28: Why is the “n-word” used by so many blacks?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Daniel, 37, white, Kansas
(Similar questions posted March 29, 1998, by A. Bell, Flint, MI. and April 26, 1998, by Claire, a white female from Toronto, Canada.)

ANSWER 1:
The origin of the word was derogatory when used by whites. Over time, blacks began using the word in a derogatory manner to refer to other blacks. Eventually, instead of eliminating the word all together, they began using it in a more positive sense. Sort of claiming it and making it our own word. It has come to mean “brother” or “friend” when used by blacks referring to other blacks, but sadly, if the same word is used by a white with the same friendly intention, it is still taken as an insult by blacks.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
John W., black male, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I find the word offensive if anyone uses it. It is a horrible word, and every time I hear it, I cringe. My question (to John W.) is: You write that black people use it to mean friend or brother, but, do other black people take it as an offensive word? I just don’t understand it.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
B.W., 38, white female <llap@prodigy.net>
Pueblo, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Many black people find the word offensive, period. I’m one of them. I don’t like anybody, black, white or other, using it to refer to me. This is despite the fact that I do understand the “affection” with which some black folks use it. I still consider it a slur, and I don’t use it to refer to other black folks, affectionately or otherwise.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
K. Lynn, black <fortlynn@ix.netcom.com>
Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I agree with K. Lynn wholeheartedly. I am an African American female, and it disturbs me immensely that some of my brothers and sisters still use this disgusting word. Can’t we come up with a more positive word to adopt as our own? Recently, outside a middle school, I walked past a threesome of African American boys who were wrestling playfully. One of them said the “n”-word to another, and it made me sick to my stomach. I didn’t say a thing – frankly didn’t know what to say – but I wondered whether they had any idea of the context in which their grandparents, great grandparents, and those before them must’ve heard that word, and how they would feel hearing it used by their own.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Michelle, 36, African American <kmichell@umich.edu>
Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I grew up with this contradictory use of the n-word by blacks and have always been offended by it. What angers me the most are attempts by some blacks to justify it. To me, it is a sorry excuse not to change ignorant ways. I see no justification for attempting to attach any positive meaning to what I feel is one of the most vile words in the English language. There are dozens of other words I could think of to express love for someone. It sickens me to hear black people referring to their friends or loved ones as “my nigga.” I have also noticed here in the New York area that many Hispanics have picked up the same habit in using the n-word in reference to other Hispanics as well as blacks. Their rationale when questioned is that because black people do it, they feel it is OK, too. This is one instance in which you can’t have a double standard. When black people wake up and stop disrespecting themselves with this word, others will respect them as well and not use it.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Suzie, 26, black <Ebonique@msn.com>
Queens, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R27: Back in the 50s, black leaders made a good point by suggesting that “colored” was an insensitive way to refer to people, and the term “black” (as in “black is beautiful”) was preferable. So the term “black” came into popular usage. Then, a few years ago, many in the African American community suggested that the term “people of color” was preferable to “black.” I’m trying to understand why “people of color” is any less offensive than “colored people.”
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Cheryl M., 50+, Grosse Pointe, MI

ANSWER 1:
Any time we have a word or phrase for something we hate or fear, the words themselves become infected with those emotions, thus becoming negative. “Colored” used to be – and for many still is – the word that African Americans used to describe themselves (see the film When We Were Colored and Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s book Colored People). But when whites used it, it sounded nasty, because the whites hated. So the word was replaced with Negro. But whites sounded nasty with that, too, and Afro-American was tried but never caught on. Black (once a vicious slur) came in and is now going out again. Until others actually stop hating and fearing people of African descent, our words will never sound “respectful” for more than a few years. The respect is not in the word: It is in the speaker.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Will H., white, Dallas, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think “people of color” is preferable because it doesn’t refer only to African-Americans. It refers to any race other than white. You might say us “white folks” are “people of no color.” Also, I think “people of color” has more dignity. “Colored people” has a history behind it that intends the phrase to be demeaning. “Colored people” sets that portion of the population apart as something undesirable. “People of Color” is more global and implies a desirable trait.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Caroline, 69, Sonoma, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think the difference between “colored people” and “people of color” is that when you say “people of color,” you are describing outer looks, and when you say “colored people,” it is meant more as a definition of who the person is. The proper way, I would think, to refer to any race is to just say “people.” That way, no stereotypes are formed. Let’s not forget that there is only one true race – the human race. We may all have different cultures and backgrounds, but when it comes down to it, we are all individuals who belong to the human race.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Shane B., 23, sburke@cybercage.com, Tallahassee, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R26: Why do Asian-Indian men in the United States dress in traditional “American” clothing, but the women or wives still wear headresses and long skirts? Does this tie into the belief (or maybe the stereotype) that Asian-Indian women are submissive and subservient?
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Z.J., Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
The code of dress for men, even in India, is universal. Unless for certain functions, they always resorted to the Western dress. For Indian women, I think, it’s more a matter of comfort, that’s all. Mind it,they do go for the Western, also. There is no submission or force, but as in all cases, there are exceptions. From my point, (and from many of my friends’) my man never insisted on that. At least in this generation, it doesn’t happen.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Simran, MN <sim@ol.com>

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a married Indian male living in the United States and have thought about this question in a slightly different way. Why is it that women of other nationalities are not seen in their traditional dresses as much as the Indian women? One reason might be that in India, traditional women’s clothing has been adjusted and accepted as formal/office wear. Another reason- according to my wife – is that she feels much more comfortable and beautiful in Indian clothes. I agree. Unfortunately she can’t wear them at her place of work in the United States every day because they are too “nice” for a chemistry lab. But she is always looking for a chance to wear something colorful and traditional whenever she can.

As for men, speaking for myself, I have always worn pants/jeans/shirts (except for special occasions) when I was in India, and there was no big adjustment to make after coming here. My question for the original questioner is, Why do Americans think all women outside America are submissive/traditional/incapable-of-thinking-for-themselves, etc.?
POSTED JUNE 28, 1998
C.A., Indian <p2k4@hotmail.com>, East Lansing, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The traditional clothing is beautiful. However, I was going through a Sikh celebration at Toronto’s Nathan Phillip’s Square in April and came to the conclusion that these bright, thin outfits are not made to withstand the early-spring weather of Canada. I can’t see anything wrong with wearing traditional clothing in warm weather months, but I believe common sense must come before chill-threatening tradition.
POSTED JULY 15, 1998
W. Mark D., 31, white male <carlduffy@yahoo.com>, Markham , Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To C.A.: Not all Americans think all women outside America are “submissive/traditional/incapable-of-thinking-for-themselves.” But we hear of many cases in other countries in which women have few, if any, rights, are beaten or killed by their husbands with tacit approval of their society, are raped, sexually mutilated, and denied education, employment and many of the other liberties we enjoy.
POSTED AUG. 7, 1998
Mary, Winston-Salem, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It seems to me that American women who see women of other cultures who wear traditional dress as “submissive” do so out of ignorance, not out of any sense of superiority. Those of us who have lived abroad or closely with other cultures here in the United States do not generally hold this view. My husband comes from a traditional Muslim culture in Western China. When I am in his family’s home, I wear a headcovering, long skirt and long sleeves. This is not a matter of submission – it is a matter of doing what is culturally acceptable.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
Tamara L. <cyberbroc@worldnet.att.net>, Burleson, TX
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THE QUESTION:
R25: When white people use words like “everybody” or “people ,” do they have a white face in their mind? I always have a raceless entity in my mind . I’ve often wondered about that when listening to white people talk.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Merry, Charlotte, NC

ANSWER 1:
When I use “people” and “everybody,” I do not include race or color or religion or sexual orientation in my thought process, but I can’t say that for everyone. I was raised with relatives from other countries (Russia, Germany, Iraq, Italy) and a relative of another race (black). It has never occurred to me to think of separation of color or anything else. I can’t say that for everyone of the race I was born in (white) but that is how I operate.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Holly, 30, Warren, MI

FURTHER NOTICE
Yes, I think nearly all of us do. I’ve been pretty actively concerned about racial issues since I was inspired by Martin Luther King Jr. as a boy. I read black literature, see black movies and seek out my own ingrained racism. I’ve done this for years (I’m now 48), but I still trip over this unconscious blindness. Now, I grew up in a very white area of the country, then went to college in another lily-white region. It’s only in the last four years that I’ve lived in a decently diverse place. So I don’t know if whites who were raised with multi-colored people suffer from the internal limitation that I still struggle with.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Will H., Dallas, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
When I refer to “people” and “everybody,” who I mean depends on the context in which I am speaking. However, generally, “people” and “everybody'”are inclusive and not bound by race, color, religion, national origin or gender. As to the picture in my mind of a person, I tend to picture a person like the one(s) I am engaging. I am also curious to find out what a “raceless entity” means. Does a raceless entity have no skin color, eye color, hair color? Is a raceless entity also a sexless entity? I find myself struggling to picture a “raceless entity.” Perhaps I simply have much to learn. I certainly desire to learn to better live among, and understand, so many marvelously varied people.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Bruce A., white, Marion, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
When I say “everybody” I usually think “everybody” and don’t even think “race”. Once I was talking to a black friend and said “everybody” when talking about caring for different hair types and she corrected me about black hair types. I honestly hadn’t thought about there being a difference.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
Cynthia, N.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
This is a very good question. I had never given this any thought before and it took a little time to answer your question. My thoughts are raceless whenever I us words like everybody or people, etc.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jay R., Dearborn, MI, 55+

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Well put, Bruce A. As a Spanish/English bilingual, my visualization varies with the person I’m speaking to, the context of the conversation, and the language it’s in. And since I’m sometimes in between both languages (Spanglish), it’s almost comical what I’m seeing in my mind’s eye. Does that happen to others, the faces changing?
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jacki P. , Northern California
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THE QUESTION:
R24: Why is it that it seems OK to display slogans and bumper stickers that loudly denigrate Japanese people, while doing the same to another racial group is a very large “no-no”?
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
– J. Ohnui, MI

ANSWER 1:
I have never seen a bumper sticker that was outright offensive to Japanese people; however, if you are talking about the automotive industry, then, I think I have an explanation. I don’t believe that the slogans and bumper stickers are or were originally meant to attack Japanese people. The Japanese automotive industry hit the U.S. economy hard. Although this was not the fault of Japanese people, a large percentage of those affected needed someone to blame.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
C. Massey,Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Economies of scale show that free trade (imports/exports) are necessary to get the most out of the limited resources in the world. So Americans who strike out at any other nation “because they are taking our jobs away” are doing so out of ignorance.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Shidoshi, 22 <shidoshi@monkey.org>
Rochester, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Because of World War II, many of the men of the 1940s became very bigoted against Japanese people, especially those who served on the Pacific front. They passed this on to their children, and their children passed it on from there. I believe this is why you will hear an “enlightened” politically correct person say “Japs” but never any other slur – because many Americans hold hostile feelings towards Japan and its people.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
P.D., Detroit, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R23: I belong to a mothers group and my three-year-old son goes into a preschool-type setting during the meeting. One of the caregivers is black. She is a wonderful person who really loves the children. My son, who is very shy and doesn’t speak to people very much, told me he liked this teacher the most, saying she was “really nice.” When I saw her that day I relayed the story, and when I said it out loud, I wondered if I could have offended her. This has been weighing heavily on my heart for several days.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
– Sheri C. , 33, from a Detroit suburb

ANSWER 1:
If you remove the word “black” from your statement, your question would sound kind of silly. After all, why would she be offended by the mere fact that you told her your son said he liked her best? But your compliment implies that he likes her best “even though” she is black and/or “because she is black and is liked best” i.e. – that this is especially commendable, so she probably would have reason to be offended. But I doubt that she would be, because most black people are accustomed to this kind of back-handed compliment (like, “You don’t sweat much for a fat girl”). It seems your child sincerely likes this person. And you sincerely wanted to communicate your appreciation of this to her. And that will shine through.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Greg R., 47, Atlanta

FURTHER NOTICE:
If you have agonized over whether you have offended her, I believe you should ask her for an honest answer, and sincerely apologize if she was upset with you. This is an opportunity for bridge-building and learning on both your parts, but that will never happen if you don’t talk about it.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Brenda P., Pensacola, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R22: I’m a 34-year-old professional black man in Chicago. In all the places I’ve worked, it seems like whenever three or four black people hold a private discussion, white co-workers tend to stare at us or try to eavesdrop. Why the spy tactics? We’re not planning an uprising, just talking about our lives, just like anyone else.
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Gene F., Chicago, IL

ANSWER 1:
Our director, employed to design “diversity” training for court personnel statewide, passed by we three black women, who stood together and chatted about an upcoming program. His comment: “What have we got here, the meeting of the black caucus?”

Your feeling that your convened group is suspected of plotting against the whites in your office is dead on target. My best guess is that sometimes this behavior of whites has to do with their own guilt or denial. On some level, white folks know that racism is alive and well. I can only speculate that this ongoing internal conflict results in expressed projected feelings of suspicion, mistrust and disloyalty being superimposed by the privileged group onto the oppressed group.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
S.L., Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a black male, but I have an experience from my college years that illustrates the “threat” of black men gathering together. It almost had an ugly ending. When I was at South Georgia College, young blacks would gather in front of the Student Union during the day, especially after meals. The security officer spoke at a dorm meeting one day. He suggested that such “loitering” intimidated people who wanted to get into the Union building. He said that the blacks were like a pack of wild monkeys. That comment obviously angered many. Across the street from the college, young whites congregated at Dairy Queen. Did customers feel intimidated by the youth circling around in pickup trucks?
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
John M., 23, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Why do you (original questioner) assume they are eavesdropping? Could it be because you go to unusual lengths to exclude them from your conversations? Your statement that whites are worried about you planning an uprising suggests unresolved issues in your attitude towards whites.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jim, 31, white, Brooklyn, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It’s quite likely that your white co-worker just would like to join in your conversation, but is too shy (or polite) to actively interrupt. Try a friendly “hi” and watch his reaction. That should help you determine whether the staring is hostile.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Colette, 32, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Jim, I asked the original question. Why do I think folks are eavesdropping? Well, the stares, seeing people straining to hear and seeing them slow down as they pass us in the hallway is a clue. We don’t “go to unusual lengths” to exclude anyone. We’re usually just chit-chatting and anyone, black or white, can join in. If we’re having a private conversation, then we’ll change the subject if someone wants to join in. After all, it’s not like groups of white people don’t talk at work.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Gene F., Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
It could be that your white co-workers are simply curious about what a group of African-American males find of interest or like to talk about when they get together. (After all, the media provides a somewhat distorted picture of who and what we are.) Perhaps your colleagues would like to know more about our culture but are too embarrassed to ask and ignorant about how to go about finding out. This forum provides an excellent vehicle for that.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Michelle, 36, African American <kmichell@umich.edu>, Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I agree with Michelle. We as African Americans should try to understand what other people are force-fed about us through the media. Once we do that, we should try to understand that most intelligent people would rather see for themselves rather than second-hand. However, because large boundaries sometimes exist between people of different ethnic backgrounds, many times an “outsider” may not know how to approach a group – say African-American men . We all seem to raise our level of sensitivity when it comes to people of different backgrounds.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Traye, 24, African-American <doctraye@aol.com>, Seattle, Wa.
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THE QUESTION:
R21: I had heard that hair is as important to African American women as body image is to white women. Is this true?
POSTED MARCH 11, 1998
Amy H., 22, KS

ANSWER 1:
It depends on the woman – some black women care very much about their hair – some, like my wife,could care less. Kind of like white women – some care about their body image, some don’t.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Alex L., 38, Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Body image and hair are important to black women just as body image and hair are important to white women. Every woman gives them varying levels of importance. Due to the differences of hair texture and styles, I think the black woman spends more than her white counterparts in the hair department; I know I do. But it is because of the way I style my hair. However, I am interested in the whole package, not just my chin and up.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
C. Massey, 30, Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think hair is important to us because it is not the white norm, so we develop a multitude of varying styles to compensate. We have become more comfortable with our bodies because, with a history of segregation, we did not have to compete with white figure types. With this as a background we (black women) have become proud of our figures, no matter what they are. But as we mix more with whites, we become increasingly concerned with our shapes as compared to what is shown in the media.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
P. Carson, Detroit, MI

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