Race/Ethnicity Questions 31-40

THE QUESTION:
R40: I was shocked to find out that two black women with whom I had participated in study circles on racism were angry with me for marrying “a brother.” They both have talked to me since and said they had to work through these feelings of dislike and have since discovered I am a pretty nice person. How can a black woman get angry at a white woman who marries a black man for love if they don’t even know the black man? Isn’t this prejudice also?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
B.J.W., 33, white, Jacksonville, FL

ANSWER 1:
I suspect this has gone unanswered because it raises some feelings that some find hard to face. I’m an African American female and have been guilty of what the writer spoke about. (My sister-in-law is white, and I was initially prepared to not like her just because of that fact; however, it turned out that she is a good person with a kind heart.) It’s more of a resentment than a hatred. For all our lives, the media and society have held up the white female as the standard of beauty. So when a black man chooses to be with a white woman, it feels like a personal slap in the face – like black women aren’t good enough. There unfortunately are brothers who shun their own race and only date white women (and women of course who do the same). Unless we know the people in question personally and know they are really in love, we are skeptical and automatically assume it’s the “status” thing.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Michelle, 36, African American <kmichell@umich.edu>
Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
For years, the white female has been considered the epitome of beauty, and it wasn’t until recently that we began seeing a few beautiful African-American and Asian faces. That is the reason many black females feel neglected by the “brothers.” There is nothing wrong with marrying outside your race. I believe love has a lot to do in the commitment, and it would be a lot easier and better if people understood this. If anyone out there is in an interracial relationship, I wish the person the very best.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Nneka, African-American <ifebigh77@hotmail.com>, Miami , FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Another common reason that black women feel anger when black men date and marry white women is a very personal one, not at all related to politics or societal rules. It is that many black women are unable to find suitable black men to date, much less marry. This is due to incarceration, death, homosexuality and lastly, a black male already being married or attached. I know of so many women (sisters, cousins, friends and myself) who are lonely and seek companionship. Besides the love we miss, we also lose the tangible benefits such as combined income. We simply cannot afford to lose any more of our men
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Cynthia B., 38, black female <ceebski@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Cynthia B.: I do not believe in the “Incredible Shrinking Black Male” myth. You are looking in the wrong places, and eventually the men in those places will go out with women who will accept them as they are, as we all would.

To me, the problem seems to be that there are just not enough brothers out there who have a Lexus parked in the garage and a fat wad in the bank, and when one of those guys shows up, the women jump on him like a cat on a stray bird. What’s left is regular guys like myself, the ones who are not so pretty or rich – as my aunt says, the “sh-t against the curb.”

Quite a few of the sistas I have dated have plied me with questions upon our first meetings. Not the questions I might expect, like how do I feel about this or that, about my family and friends, my likes and dislikes, but about my job, income and car – in that order. The one white woman I went out with (a friendly date to a party) asked me none of those things, and I felt so at ease that night because I didn’t have to prove anything to her – we just had a good time. I have not experienced this with any of the sisters I have dated, but I keep trying. I will not give up on you, but if you would give one of us frogs a break, maybe you’d find the prince you’re searching for.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
R.E.Walls, African American male, 36, rewind@hotmail.com, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’d like to respond to two issues raised here: White being the standard of beauty and income issues. As a white woman, I realize there is a certain standard considered “the most beautiful.” However, I guess I want all my African-American sisters out there to know that most of the white women I know not only don’t feel we fit that standard, but feel humiliated by it. I’m not sure anyone can meet that standard. Secondly, a number of questions back someone asked about white families talking about income. That was considered completely personal when I grew up. That may be why the African-American man who dated the white woman wasn’t asked about his income.
POSTED AUG. 31, 1998
D.O., white, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To R.E. Walls: Right On! Only this doesn’t just go for black men and women, it works for whites as well. I hear a lot of the same issues being brought up by women of all races (why aren’t there any good men?) when really I feel they’re asking “Why can’t I marry a character out of a Brad Pitt/Denzel Washington movie?” I get a lot of interested women, until they find out that I’m a journalist/writer. Then the question suddenly becomes, “How much do you make?” My physical and mental attributes suddenly then disappear. They say, “Call me if your book goes big.”
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
Brian, 22, white male, Kokomo, IN
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THE QUESTION:
R39: Why does it seem that so many Hispanic immigrants to the United States resist assimilation into American society, i.e. by learning English,actively voting and flying the U.S. flag instead of the Mexican flag?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
M. Evans, 33, Houston
(Similar question posted July 22, 1998, by 54, white male, San Mateo, CA)

ANSWER 1:
It does not appear to me that Hispanic people “resist assimilation into American society” any more than immigrants from other parts of the world do. It usually takes many generations for people to be fully “assimilated.” My father’s parents were both born in Greece and came to the United States as teenagers. When he was a child, Greek was always spoken at home, but he married a non-Greek (my mother, who is white), so I spoke English as a child. My Greek-American cousins switch easily back and forth between the two languages, in normal conversation. You find this in other immigrant groups, too, such as Italians, Chinese, Korean, German, Swedish, etc. The greater time (measured in generations) since the people came to the United States, the greater the “assimilation.” And, of course, each group adds its own subtle influences to the “American society” and the English language, which is one reason this country remains so alive, interesting, fun and the best place to live on the planet!
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Frank, 34, white (half Greek-American) <frank.koconis@bsis.com>
Charlotte, NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
Our country is not based on everyone being the “same.” Our forefathers came here to be able to express who they were and what they believed in. If everyone who came to this country suddenly gave up who they were and what they believed, who would they be? Our rich cultural diversity is what makes this country so great. I love meeting people from around the world. I love what they bring to share with us, their culture, clothing, religions, beliefs, family and, of course, food. I would be disappointed if all of a sudden I couldn’t go out to eat Mexican, Thai, Korean, Japanese, Indian, Middle Eastern, Italian, Spanish, Nicaraguan, Salvadorian, Chinese, Polish, German, Russian, etc. food. If only we could accept each other’s differences, what a beautiful place this would be.
POSTED JUNE 9, 1998
LiAnne, Asian-American Homegirl, United States

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It isn’t that we do not want to assimilate, but rather, whether we should melt with “white America.” Where does it say that to assimilate, one has to lose one’s identity? The fact that most of us are bilingual only enriches the cultural mosaic that is America. I have never encountered a white person who was offended by a person speaking French or German, but it seems that when the language in question is Spanish, everyone gets bent out of shape. Go to English As A Second Language adult classes and pay attention to the faces of the students. I can bet you a great majority are Ibero-Americans, or as you call them, “Hispanics” or Mexicans.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Felipe Z., Felipe.Zatarain@GTE.net, North Hollywood, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I do not agree that Hispanic immigrants resist assimilation for the simple reason that many Hispanic people have managed to become professional people such as surgeons, doctors, lawyers, etc. I was born in Cuba and came to the United States at the age of four. My father has managed to learn English and is a superintendent at a big company. I think it all depends on the persons’s motivation to become assimilated into this society. I also believe many Hispanic immigrants who come to the United States are not very young and therefore have a harder time learning the language and becoming assimilated. Many also do not have the resources to go to school and get the education required to be successful in this society. Their main concern is to make a living for themselves.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
A.Morales <amora15@bellsouth.net>, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R38: I am curious as to why many black women have the prefix “La” before their name, while black men often have “De” before theirs. Examples: Lawanda or DeShawn or DeAndre.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Scott O., Jackson, MI

ANSWER 1:
It is our way of adding a flair to what we consider the mundane. By the same token, as a black person, I’m puzzled as to why someone would name a child Sarah, Betsy, or Jack.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Clara D., Stone Mountain, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
White people name their children Sarah, Betsy or Jack because the names have a meaning. Sarah means “princess,” Betsy is the diminutive of Elizabeth, meaning “God is my oath,” and Jack is a variant of Jacob. Personally I despise the modern practice of giving silly names to children. A woman I know (white) named her sons Buster and Django – yuck. I once saw a black woman named Nisombe, and I thought it was just beautiful. I could tell the name came from a real language and had a real heritage. I don’t think black people have to choose white names for their children, but I feel they should use real names with a real history and entymology.
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
Elaine C. <eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Elaine C.: Just because a name is unfamiliar to you does not mean it’s meaningless. Django, for example, was the first name of one of the most influential jazz guitarists – Django Reinhardt, a European gypsy. I have no idea if Django means anything as a word, but for a music lover, it holds a great deal of meaning.
POSTED SEPT. 9, 1998
Andrew, 34, white <ziptron@hotmail.com,>, Huntington, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I was named Sarah after my great-grandmother, whom I presume was named for the Sarah in the Bible, as there are no previous Sarahs in my family. In my family, most of the names used are from previous generations. I suppose it just has to do with what your family is accustomed to – after all, being named is not the person’s choice!
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Sarah, 18, white <bubbles@texoma.net>, Sherman, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
From what I was told, many parents gave their children names such as those because the parents 1) wanted to give their children unique names and 2) wanted to give their children names that supposedly sounded African. The naming of a child is very important and can even be considered influential in the child’s future. I agree there should be significance in the name given. The current fad to make up names that have no history or meaning seems to be based on ignorance. If parents are really interested in giving their children authentic African names, there are many books they can look at that offer suggestions, or they can even ask someone who happens to be African.
POSTED OCT. 6, 1998
Adaobi (meaning first born), 22, Nigerian female, <obia@rockvax.rockefeller.edu>
Bronx , NY
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THE QUESTION:
R37: Should the phrase “African American” be applied to all blacks living in the United States? What do American blacks think about the dilemma facing non-American blacks in the States (including black Hispanics)? I am a Black Jamaican who has never liked the term “African American” applied to me. I am very proud of my black heritage (i.e. African heritage) but I’m also very proud of my Jamaican heritage, thus do not consider myself an African American (at least not in the manner in which the term was coined). However, black friends (including some Jamaicans living in America) seem to think that I’m “running away from my blackness” because of my feelings.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Trevor S., 32, Ypsilanti, MI

ANSWER 1:
I have always interpreted the term “African American” to mean any person of African descent, be they from the Caribbean, Europe, Africa or native-born. I have many friends here in New York of West Indian descent who include themselves under the term African American, yet they retain their Caribbean identity. The “African” portion of the term gives us a sense of unity, no matter where in the Diaspora you originate. So calling yourself an African American does not make you any less Jamaican.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1998
Suzie, 26, black <Ebonique@msn.com>, Queens, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t believe “African American” should be used to name all black people. I noticed there’s a tendency for non-American blacks to distinguish themselves from those born in the United States for a few reasons. First, American blacks tend to have a negative reputation (i.e. lazy, uneducated, criminals, with an overall bad attitude). Also, blacks from the Caribbean have a distinctly European culture. Therefore, I believe they may feel inferior to American-born blacks. I’ve also found that white people do not find European and Island blacks as intimidating as their American counterparts. Finally, I’ve noticed American blacks choose to segregate themselves from whites while non-American blacks are more willing to assimilate with the “white” culture.
POSTED JULY 21, 1998
L.S.B., Orlando, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am American born. I am black. I do not consider myself African at all. At my age, I am secure enough not to be influenced by what friends say, or to bend to their pressure. You must keep that freedom to decide for yourself what is right for yourself. I do not believe you are running away from anything. Stand strong in your own belief, because as Janie learned in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, “Two things everybody’s got tuh do fuh theyselves. They got tuh go tuh God, and they got tuh find out about livin’ fuh theyselves.”
POSTED NOV. 16, 1998
Siobhan, black female <siobhan_101@hotmail.com>, Baltimore, MD
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THE QUESTION:
R36: This is directed mostly to a black family, I suppose: What is said by the parents when a teenager with no job or access to money comes home with a $200 boom-box, or pair of shoes, or a leather jacket, that the parents have never seen before?
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Dick A., 72, white, Santa Rosa, CA

ANSWER 1:
I would suppose that any responsible parent black or otherwise would question the teenager, since they know their child did not purchase these items. But please understand that this happens in all families: black, white, Hispanics, etc. So please do not assume that black families just turn the other way when someone comes home with an item they could not have possibly paid for. Yes, it is true that it may be accepted in some homes, no questions asked. But that is not true for the overwhelming majority of households where parents work hard everyday to provide their children with anything that they might need or want. In short, acquiring goods or other things by illegal means is not acceptable in the black family. It’s not a black issue – it’s a moral issue.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
T. Lofton <tllofton@pop3.occ.cc.mi.us>
Detroit , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
You are directing your question to a black family, but what of non-black families in which this happens? Such actions are not the monopoly of any ethnic group. Children do things that are wrong, and hopefully the parents are paying attention enough so that the child is found out before they get into real trouble. If not, there will be more and more kids growing up as criminals. Criminals are not limited to blacks, though.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Apryl P., black, Oak Park, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R35: Why are so many convenient stores owned or operated by people of (apparent) Eastern Indian ancestry? No complaints. They are always friendly and efficient. I’m just confounded by this phenomenon.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
Steve G., Davie, FL

RELATED QUESTION:
R35A: Steve’s question brings a similar question to mind: Why are so many East Indian people either owners or managers of independent motels, and why do a large percentage have the last name “Patel’?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Dick A., <richarda@sonic.net>, Santa Rosa, CA

ANSWER 1:
I live in a suburban neighborhood near Detroit, and there are many gas stations and party stores in my town. The strange thing is that there is only one party store that is not owned by someone of Middle Eastern descent. I am not by any means racist, but I admit that it is somewhat disturbing. I have been told the reason for so many people of this race owning gas stations and party stores is that when they come to America, it is an easy and familiar business to upkeep and make good money. Also, they are given a huge tax break for seven years when they arrive in the United States, and once those seven years are up, they sell the business to a relative and they receive the same break for the next seven years, and so it continues down the line.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
K.V., white, near Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
K.V. is partly correct. India has many communities and language, culture, caste, religion issues that are far more serious and historical than race issues in the United States. Patels are actually mostly a community who even in India are shop/small business owners. Which is why most small stores owners in the United States and even in the United Kingdom, I believe, are Patels. I haven’t seen so many Patels in India, though. A lot of Punjabis are agriculturists in India, and many of those in the United States and Canada own large farms and orchards. Many people from the south of India are “techies,” which why many south Indians in the United States are in computers. Incidentally, East India (or the Indies) refers to what is now Indonesia, so India does not need a location qualifier.
POSTED APRIL 14, 1998
Amit, Indian (Punjabi) <amit@well.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To K.V.: Why do you find the trend of Middle Eastern-owned party stores disturbing? You say you are not racist, yet your use of the term “disturbing” itself disturbs me. Do you feel threatened by them? Are you worried they’re building an underground terrorist cell and are planning to blow up a building? Have the Middle Easterners owning those stores showed any sort of improper, criminal or immoral behavior? If so, are all Middle Easterners like that? The vast majority of Fortune 500 CEOs are white males. Should I be disturbed about that? You see, it is very common among immigrant minority populations to be prevalent in certain businesses for the following reasons: One or two initial families get their foot in the door in a particular business, then through hard work, networking, informal credit and pooling of resources, they get their brothers, sisters, cousins, friends and relatives involved in the business. Before long, a certain ethnic group seems to “dominate” a certain type of business, but there is no “conspiracy” or “devious plan” involved. There are other examples , such as Indian Gujarati Patels and motels, Vietnamese and manicurists, etc.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Mihir, Indian-American male, 25 <mishah@vt.edu>, Skokie, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am from Detroit and have noticed that many of the corner stores are owned and operated by Middle Easterners. It’s not that I have a problem with this. It is upsetting, however, to see that the majority of the stores/gas stations are not owned and operated by blacks, considering the city is majority black. I just don’t understand how we (African Americans) can allow them to earn a living off us in our own communities. It doesn’t make sense to me.
POSTED APRIL 13, 1999
S.T., black female, college student <turnersa@pilot.msu.edu>, East lansing, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R34: Why do most blacks believe that discrimination is based on skin color? Most thinking whites believe that discrimination is based on behavior, either bizarre, hostile or rude.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1998
L. Shaw, Detroit

ANSWER 1:
I find it odd that you say “most thinking whites” believe discrimination is based on behavior. I would say that most of the “thinking” people I know, white and otherwise, believe discrimination is based on prejudice, and prejudice is based on false assumptions, not actual experience. A prejudiced person sees or hears an unacceptable behavior and assumes that all people who match the “same description” (race, religion, gender, etc.) will have that same behavior, rather than just attributing the rudeness or distasteful habit to that particular individual. Even if a group of individuals shows the same rudeness, it does not define all individuals that happen to match the group’s overall characteristics.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
Annie M., 45 <mcuhouse@nemonet.com>
New London , MO
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THE QUESTION:
R33: I am a black male who takes the time to iron my clothes every day. For some reason, my white co-workers find this interesting. Why is it that white people do not iron their clothing?
POSTED MARCH 17, 1998
Kenneth L., 32, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
Perhaps people find it unusual that a man irons his clothes, not that a black person does this. My husband, who does all of his own ironing, has encountered the same thing you have. He has had men and women, black and white, ask where he gets his shirts done. At an office party last year one of his co-workers (a black woman) asked me if it was true that Matthew ironed his own clothes. When I said yes, she told me that she had never known a man who ironed his own clothes. So I think it is the male stereotype at work here, not the fact that you are black.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Michelle V. , 32, white <MVroman@prodigy.net>
Detroit , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
It’s not an issue of race when it comes to ironing, it’s an issue of class. If you wear clothes unironed, you look like a slob, therefore you probably are. Since you iron your clothes, you obviously have class. Those who make fun of you have none, so don’t sweat it brother.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Melissa, 17, white, Algonac, MI –

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Stating that white people do not iron their clothes is a generalization based on anecdotal evidence. Unfortunately, you did not state in your posting where you work. I am a white male who always (with the exception of jeans) makes sure my pants are properly ironed before wearing. Come to think of it, the other males in my office (who are all white) also wear properly ironed pants.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Michael Z., 27 <Mjick@aol.com>
Southfield , MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Since I buy my clothes for convenience and not fashion, I find anyone who irons clothes unusual. Since I am a 37-year-old father who works in engineering, style is pretty low on my list of priorities. A couple of pairs of permanent-pressed Dockers and an assortment of nice dress shirts foot the bill quite nicely. Contrary to the one writer, with some care (i.e. don’t wad them up when you take them off) these clothes look fine without ironing. I even buy all my work clothes to match each other. Since I get up for work before my wife and kids, I can get dressed in the dark this way without waking anyone up. Basically, it’s just too darned hard for me to be real stylish.
Peter P., white <PPROUT20@aol.com>
Redford, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
My stepfather who is black happens to iron his clothes for hours on end; so much that even after washing them you could clearly see the creases. It does not matter what they are, he irons them just the same. His explanation to me is he did not have nice clothes growing up (thrift store clothing) and ironing them made them look nicer and last longer. He’s now known as a sharp dresser because no matter what he’s wearing, it looks great!
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
S.B. 25, Hispanic female, St. Johns, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R32: How much support does Jesse Jackson have in the black community?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Dee H., Atlanta, GA
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THE QUESTION:
R31: What is the basis for the words “cracker” and “honky”?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1998
Cheryl M., Detroit MI
(Similar question posted April 18, 1998 by Bill, 22, white male, Detroit.)

ANSWER 1:
One version of the origin of the term “cracker” is that it originally applied to early settlers of south Georgia and north Florida. These people migrated from the more populated regions further north and traveled by wagons pulled by oxen. To get the oxen to pull, the drivers cracked whips. Oxen were also used to clear the land, hence more whip-cracking. Since these settlers were mostly poor and illiterate, the word “cracker” was and is used synonymously with redneck and white trash.

“Honky” is derived from “hunky” or “bohunk,” a pejorative applied to poor, illiterate immigrants from central Europe. When African-Americans adopted the word as an ethnic slur, it became “honky” applied to whites in general.
POSTED MARCH 17, 1998
Paul T., 64, Middleburg, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
The term “honky,” from what I was educated on, was a nickname given to white men in the South. They would go into black ghettos to solicit black female prostitutes. Upon entering the ghetto, they would signal the prostitutes for business by honking their horns to make them aware of the offer of sex for money. “Cracker” refers to a white Anglo Saxons skin color being light-complected – the same shade as a saltine cracker in appearance.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Dick F. <Dfitzwell@aol.com>
Sterling Heights, MI