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Race/Ethnicity Questions 191-200

THE QUESTION:
R200: Is it true that African Americans are incapable of bigotry, i.e. that this is a “white disease”?
POSTED APRIL 20, 1998
Curious female, Anchorage, Alaska

ANSWER 1:
Though some of us deny it, black people are just as capable of being racist as any other racial/ethnic group. Those who deny that black racism exists allege that racism requires access to power found in government and corporate America.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Jay B., black male <jayboyd@ameritech.net>, Detroit

FURTHER NOTICE:
To Curious: That’s what Spike Lee always says. I’m not so sure I believe it. Black people, I guess, are just as capable of bigotry and prejudice as anybody else. We are as susceptible to the same faults as other human beings. Here in America, we are the least likely to be in positions of power; therefore, we have the least opportunity to force bigotry onto others. Maybe that’s why some people think African Americans are less prejudiced.
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Denise, 26, black, Bronx, N.Y.

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I often wonder about that. I know that through my experiences and the material I read (history, sociology, etc.) that I have become very untrustworthy and judgmental of white people. Blacks in this country have always been treated so badly and still are that it just makes me very angry to see the injustice and racism that plays out daily. I guess I don’t consider myself a bigot, but tend to be prejudiced, which a lot of blacks won’t admit. Hope that helps.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
T. Spencer <auset2be@aol.com>, Largo, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’ll cite two instances: 1) I was riding my bike along the road very near my house (I’m from Detroit) and a car full of African-American kids pulled alongside and threatened to beat me up because I was in the “wrong” neighborhood. At first, I was scared, I admit, but then I became indignant (only slightly) and I pointed to the hospital behind the car and said: “I was born there.” From that point on, the confrontation was about how I should be careful, more on the lecturing side, telling me where I could or couldn’t ride my bike in the city. 2) I was on the bus going home from work and kids from my old high school were riding (African-American kids). Well, I fell asleep, which I sometimes do on the bus. I awoke because some kid was thumping my head. The entire bus was laughing at me. The kid sat down and demanded I hold his books for the entire ride. I did so for a while and then said I couldn’t do it any longer. Not everyone was cheering him on, in fact, some kids said to leave me alone. His response was: “Well, they did it to us for all these years.” I don’t know if these two examples are black-on-white prejudice, or sort of didactic lectures. Who knows. As far as any group having power to discriminate, that’s certainly contextual, isn’t it? I didn’t have any power in those two episodes.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Mike K. <KROLL1@IX.NETCOM.COM>, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
One of the most bigoted persons I know is an older black man whom I got to know well when he spent two months remodeling my house. He tries to bait you into conversations about “his people,” then tries to turn every conversation around to how “whitey is a racist.” Despite his attitudes, he turns out to still be likable – as long as you steer clear of the racial topics.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Dirtydog, 53, white male <dirtydog@globalsite.net>, Richmond, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Bigotry and racism may be two different things. I have come to believe that bigotry/prejudice/stereotyping is not the exclusive property of any single group. We all do it to one degree or another. Racism, on the other hand, to me is connected with “institutional racism” – in which the whole society is set up in ways that favor certain groups of people and handicap others. It’s those who have power who can make this happen. Historically, in the United States, they has been white males.
POSTED MAY 15, 1998
Neil D., 55, white male <deupreen@inwave.com>, Janesville, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
In general, I and my black friends feel our views of racism stem from being victims of it. We generally speak about things we have encountered and talk about how we either reacted or ignored the racism encountered. I have never seen or heard a black person say or act racist against a white person. Bigotry can be found anywhere, though I have yet to see it in my family and friends.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
G.S., 32, black male, Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I am tired of racism being a one-way street. To me, if a black person speaks of “you white people,” then he is a racist. News organizations should always try the reverse rule before airing any commentary: Reverse the roles and language for black and white and see if it is politically acceptable. I feel that until everyone is treated equally (i.e. no special privileges), there will be racism in America.
POSTED SEPT. 5, 1998
Denver Bob, Denver, CO
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THE QUESTION:
R199: How do white people feel about the phrase “white trash”? I have white friends I don’t usually consider to be insensitive who use it unabashedly, and that baffles me. It offends me, too, and only today did I figure out why: It feels to me like it carries embedded racism, as if it’s necessary to point out that the “trashy” people one is referring to are white, implicitly assuming that non-white people are trashy by default.
POSTED APRIL 20, 1998
N.P., 35, African-American male, Philadelphia, PA

ANSWER 1:
I am a white person and have obviously heard this term (not about me). It is a sensitive one and does not have anything to do with African Americans. It is an insult to be called white trash. People will use it to refer to people with some of the following loosely applied characteristics: Having big hair with lots of hairspray and makeup, probably living in small rural area, wearing too-tight blue jeans, men having hair that is long in back and short on top and sides, living in a trailer park, men often having mustaches and wearing tank tops and high tops with above-mentioned too-tight jeans, having children out of wedlock, being married to your own relation and being avid hockey fans, receiving social assistance and lacking cultural knowledge of others. This term did not derive from any ill-conceived notions about African Americans; trust me on this one.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
J.B., Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’ve always thought the term carried the meanings you ascribe it, and it’s always bothered me. When I’ve called people on it, the most cogent response I’ve received was that there are differences between black and white culture, and the term is referring to the bottom of white culture, and that a different race’s trash would behave differently. I didn’t buy it.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Michael, white <TheMartian@juno.com>
Houston, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
As a 53-year-old white Northerner, “white trash” is a term I’ve often heard or read, and must have mentally edited. I’ve always assumed it was a crude way of denoting poor white Southerners as opposed to poor black Southerners. In my mind, the word “trash” meant “poor,” in much the same way the word “quality” is sometimes used to show wealth. I hadn’t thought of the term “white trash” as an implied insult to blacks, but I can see that it may well be.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Martha K., Portland, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It’s funny this question should come up. My friend and I watched “60 Minutes” this past Sunday together and there was a segment on Chris Rock. Since he uses the “n” word a lot in his act, Ed Bradley asked him if he thought that was a good idea. He responded that he uses it in a precise way to define a certain type of person who is different from “black people.” After the show, we talked about this and we decided that perhaps that’s the same way some white people use the phrases “white trash” and “redneck” – to distinguish themselves from white people they consider bigoted, less educated, less intelligent, less classy. I don’t think there’s any implied racism in the phrases, such as that black folks are already trashy. I just think it’s some white folks’ way to make a distinction between different classes of white people.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Joan, San Francisco

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think “white trash” is an appropriate term to identify a certain type of lifestyle and/or behavior. And it doesn’t matter to me who uses the term. It seems to me that “white trash” carries less racial connotations, whoever uses it, than does the “N”-word.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
K.P., 49, white, male, Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I heard the term from family 40 years ago, and just as many African Americans reserve the N-word for a particular class of people they consider at the bottom of the behavior spectrum, “white trash” was used to identify, and possibly to acknowledge a corresponding disapproval of, such people of our race. In my recent experience, the term is archaic, although notice of the spectrum of behaviors and lifestyles, and the evaluation of them, takes other forms.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
A.C. Gravitt, 52, white male <agravitt@randomc.com>
College Park, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The term “white trash” usually refers to lower-income, largely uneducated white people who find themselves living in trailer parks, etc. It is only a phrase and will not normally incite the subject to rage or violence – quite unlike the “N” word when used toward black people.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Bart <Bayooper@AOL.com>, Rochester, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I do believe the term “white trash” indicates embedded racism. My observation is that white people have made up most, if not all, of the derogatory terms for people of other races/colors. The only derogatory term they’ve managed to come up with for whites is to attach the word “trash.” I once asked someone using the term what they meant by it and was told “there are black people and niggers, and there’s white people and white trash.” I’ve heard this from other people since then, and not only does it strike me as racist, but it also spoke to me about the way poverty and lack of education are viewed as personal defects of character by many people.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Felicia, 34, white <foloughl@n3c.com>
Houston, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
The term “white trash” never had any racial connotations for me. I suppose it’s all in the eye of the beholder, but I always felt it further identified the sort of person from the larger pool known as a “low-life.”
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Dave C., 48, WASP, Moorestown, N.J.

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I detest the thought of any person being described as trash, and find the term very offensive. As for the second part: Your friends insult somebody else, and you’re looking for a reason to take personal offense? Sounds to me like you need a different set of friends if you assume these people consider you trash automatically because of your color. When you hear someone say “dumb polack,” do you assume they mean that everyone who isn’t Polish is dumb by default?
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Colette white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>
Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I am a white male who hangs out with mostly non-white people. We have a running joke, as I am often the only white person in the whole group (which includes Indians, African-Canadians, Asians, Italians and Greeks, to name a few). The running joke is for us to refer to each other by the names society has deemed “offensive” to that culture group, and to think up new and interesting names to call each other. We are all friends and do not need to feel as though one of us is insulting another. Being called “white trash” does not faze me in the slightest, even when I am called this by those who I would not classify as being in my circle of friends. If I am called “white trash,” I usually remove the white from the phrase and replace it with the demographic that fits them (brown trash, yellow trash, etc.). So, no I guess, speaking as a white male, I am not bothered by the term.
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Gefro; 19, white male <monkeyshine_69@hotmail.com>
Markham, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
I guess that I, being a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Southron (that is, the precise definition of what Martha above calls “white trash”) need to respond on this one. I have always thought of the term, and used it, on a strictly non-racial basis. Race plays no part in it. It is strictly a denigration upon the lower classes in white society, a term of derision, if you will. It is not entirely akin to the term “nigger” in that it does not have the hurtful historical connotation. Nor do lower-class whites jokingly use the term among each other. Contrary to popular belief, there is a huge difference between “Rednecks” and “white trash.” “Redneck” is a rural term and is not as offensive as white trash. Contrary to opinion again, “white trash” is not a “Southern Thang.” Take a careful look at your lower classes in every state, and you will find “white trash.”
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Wallace, Redneck <tdbuk@juno.com>, Suwanee, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I think the term “white trash” is racist by implication. It is that blind assumption that “white” is the norm, of which we white folks are unfortunately guilty. In practice, though, race is not on the minds of the people who use the term. My parents never objected to my playing with the children of the black farmer who lived next door but warned me that nine-year-old John, who moved in down the street when I was nine, should be avoided because he was “white trash.” Although many of the things that have been mentioned are associated with the concept, I think the key is the trash. In the rural South, one can find homes surrounded by litter. Whatever the other details of such persons’ lives, they seem to court association with trash.
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
C.G., 50, white female, Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
Being 70 years old and born in Texas, I can define white trash: Anyone who acts in a tacky, cheap, mean way. I know a millionaire who is white trash. I consider all people ladies and gentleman unless they prove themselves otherwise.
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Joangg, 70, WASP <joangg@webtv.com>
Fort Worth, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
I have to rebut J.B. from Detroit about part of his definition of white trash. I am an avid hockey fan, but I do not consider myself, nor does anyone else, “white-trash.” I do not wear too-tight jeans with the tank top (with requisite cigarette packed rolled into the sleeve), nor am I married to any relative, live in a trailer, have a low-paying job, etc. Obviously, you are not a hockey fan. But that’s another topic altogether.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Stu, 26, white <hawkstu@juno.com>
Commerce, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I don’t take offense to the term “white trash.” I am confident enough that I wouldn’t feel bothered if someone were to call me that. Unfortunately, there is a derogatory title for every type of person, i.e. girl/bitch, guy/ass—, lesbian/dyke, gay male/fag, black/nigger, white/white trash, Jew/kyke. No matter who you are, what you do, if someone doesn’t like you, they are going to classify you; that’s how it’s been for years and, sad but true, it won’t change. I’m not condoning it, I just don’t let it bother me.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
W. Brown, 25, white female, Shelby Township, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
To Wallace: I don’t see where you get Martha’s opinion as being “an exact definition of” White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. “WASP” is in a category all its own, having no direct relation to “white trash” – and actually, for the Northern variety, it usually has the opposite connotation. In addition, the majority of those I have known to be referred to as “white trash” were Catholic, though I don’t think religion has anything necessarily to do with it. Race, however, does, otherwise the word “white” would be omitted. I agree with Joangg from Texas: “White trash” is not about money, but class (as in having or lacking tact and general good taste).
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Victoria, 29, WASP from the Northeast

FURTHER NOTICE 17:
I actually learned about the term “white trash” in my linguistics class. The term was originally “poor white trash” and was invented by black slaves (and later used widely by emancipated blacks after the war). The term was used as way of denigrating impoverished whites; many blacks saw them as inferior. The “white” part was thrown in for a racial insult. The term “white trash” was not invented by white people, so the argument that it delibrately denigrates blacks is shakey at best.
POSTED NOV. 12, 1998
Dan, white, 32 <danielrand@hotmail.com>, New York, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R198: I am adopting a child and have been told many times that biracial children are harder to place. I was told this is because neither race really accepts this child as its own. Why is this?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Jessica C., 27, white female, Summerville, S.C.
(Director’s Note: Y? would prefer this question be answered by a person who has a biracial child, has adoption placement service experience or who has studied this matter.)

ANSWER 1:
I have two biological biracial children, and I certainly don’t have a hard time accepting them. The rest of society, however, is a somewhat different story. Even though they are half-white, this society considers them black.
POSTED APRIL 23,1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>, Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
As a social worker and parent of a biracial and a black child, I think biracial children are actually easier to place than black children, depending on their complexion. I think this is partly because white adoptive parents want the child to look as if the child could be theirs biologically, and also because, sadly, in our society, the darker a person’s skin, the more racism directed at them. I know of black adoptive parents who decided not to adopt dark-complected children because they knew those children would have a difficult path in life based on the color of their skin. I think it is harder for biracial or multiracial people to find a place to fit in our society, as they don’t fully belong in either group.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Lisa, 35, white adoptive parent <onemomfor2@aol.com>, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a social worker who works with children, and although I do not work in adoptions, I have some experience in this area. Looking at it as the worker trying to place a biracial child in an adoptive home, my preference would be to place the child in a home with either two biracial parents or with an interracial couple. As child welfare workers, we look to match the child with the family, and biracial or interracial parents could identify more closely with the issues a biracial child might face and possibly better help the child overcome obstacles he/she might confront. Because there are a much smaller number of biracial and interracial couples than same-race couples, it is difficult to match a child and a family in this way. This is my own opinion, but looking at it from the perspective of a couple seeking to adopt, I agree with what you said in your question. I believe most people have a difficult time identifying a biracial child as being either black or white and do not identify the child as belonging to their own race.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Ann D., 27, social worker, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I have adopted two biracial girls. The oldest is half white/black, the youngest one fourth each white and Native American and the other half black. Both are considered black by the school system and in my community, because I am black and they are being raised in a black environment. I make the effort to teach them about their black, white and Native American heritages. I also have Native American and white ancestry in my family. I agree with Lisa and Ann – their skin tones show a biracial tone, therefore I feel they were placed with a black family. Also, I feel it is easier to place the biracial child with a black or white family because of their “lighter” skin tone. Sadly it is still true that the darker the skin tone, the more racism directed at the child. Would you believe I have been asked by whites and blacks if I requested a biracial child?
POSTED SEPT. 7, 1998
DeLores D., 48, black single adoptive parent, Tulsa, OK
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THE QUESTION:
R197: Black teens raised in white homes are often accused of “acting white” by their peers. Can anyone explain what “acting white” is?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Jessica C., 27, white female, Summerville, S.C.

ANSWER 1:
“Acting white,” especially among kids, is not adhering to or behaving according to certain cultural “norms.” It could be anything from slang to not eating pizza with your hands. Unfortunately, it can also include getting good grades and speaking perfect English.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
James G., black <detroitcity@geocities.com>
Detroit MI
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THE QUESTION:
R196: A question for African Americans: How common is it to hear the word “nigger” used as an intentional insult by non-African Americans? I hear the word occasionally, but never with an African American around.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Joseph, 35, white <shaules@rikkyo.ac.jp>, Tokyo, Japan
(Director’s Note: Because of the high interest we have received from people using Y? regarding the use and power of this word, we would be interested in hearing specific examples from African Americans (when answering the above question) of when this word has been used in front of you by a non-African American as an intentional insult. That is, describe the circumstances, why or how the person used the word, how you reacted, what thoughts or emotions you had, etc.)

ANSWER 1:
My husband was riding his bike when some white males in a car rode past, threw a bottle at him and said “nigger get a car.” Of course that was cowardly of them, but these days people have more sense than to use that word to your face. Had they been face to face, there would have been a fight. It’s that simple. Don’t use the word.
POSTED APRIL 29, 1998
Black Female, N.C.

FURTHER NOTICE:
When we moved to Columbia, S.C., in 1989, our first day there my mom and I went to a convenience store to purchase some items for my new home. When we walked out the door, a group of white boys looked at my mom and called her a nigger. I was very angry, but my mom told me to ignore them and not respond because that would put me down to their level. It bothered me for a long time after. I have heard that word all my life and am raising my children never to use it. It is very painful and only causes fights.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
C. Lorick, 44 <blackcherrie@yahoo.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Generally, when “nigger” has been directed toward me or people with me, the situation is that we are physically in the minority. Specifically, we’re at a “white” club, or maybe at an event with a predominantly white crowd. Me and a couple of friends were at a white club, and one of my friends was involved in a fight with another patron. After the fight, someone said, “Why can’t you niggers stay at your own clubs and stop coming to ours causing problems?” My personal reaction to confrontations that involve being called “nigger” is more to laugh than to become angry. If that is the best (worst) insult that can be thrown at me, then I don’t feel threatened. Anyone who uses the word as an insult is only showing their ignorance and lack of education.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Sean C., 30, black male, Flint, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’m a black man, and yet the majority of my friends are white. They have never used the word when I’m around, and because of the people they are, they probably don’t ever really use it, at least not specifically to hurt anyone. Words are just symbols, and it is the meaning behind the word that gives it significance. Blacks banter back and forth with each other constantly using that word, and it is a mark of brotherhood among many. Whites avoid the word, unless they have a harmful intent, at all cost when around a black person. Right now, I could spew out an entire roll call of typically loathesome words, but it would mean nothing without intent behind it. Still, people would get offended. Why? Because people give it intent. The word has no value in itself. People get angry when the word “nigger” is used because of the meaning they give it and the connotations they assume it implies. I despise the word because few people are enlightened enough to separate speech from intent, expression from connotation. If you say the sweetest thing to me in the sweetest possible way, but its intent is to destroy me, you are my enemy, and more despicable than a rapper who spews profanity.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Ike D. <nukemall@hotmail.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
While in the Navy, I heard the word “nigger” used by one of my contemporaries at a meeting. I was the only black person who met with this group, and I don’t think he knew I was there. We were discussing plans for our ship’s commissioning ceremony in Philadelphia. He made the comment to someone that the only problem with Philadelphia was that there were too many niggers there. He didn’t know I heard him. We worked together for four years, and he even invited me to his house a few times, but I never went because what he had said that day stuck in my mind. I hate to stereotype people, but that word makes me stereotype non-blacks as being capable of racism. Probably because of the history of the the negativity and injustice of it.
POSTED MAY 4
Retired Navy, 43, black <bigbig@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I was Christmas shopping in Dearborn, Mich., a suburb of Detroit that at the time was 99.9 percent white (I think they had one black family). It was a common practice for many black shoppers to shop at the Fairlane mall, which was brand new and one of the nicer places in Michigan.

In the parking lot, a couple of black girls walking into the mall were almost hit by a car driven by a white girl who had a couple of other white girls in her car. The black girl hit the hood of the car with her hand and yelled, “Watch where you are driving!” The white girl got out of the car, and both parties had to be restrained by their friends.

As the white girl got back in the car, before she sped off, she leaned out and yelled, “Nigger!” I remember thinking at the time: Hmmm, she has been taught the word is powerful and is designed to hurt. She used it as a weapon, like a knife. The black girl’s friend persuaded her to “let it go” because it was Christmas and they had shopping to do, but I was immobilized. I had never been in the presence of a white person calling a black person a nigger before.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Mark A., Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Once my roomate, who was white, had a few friends from home at our apartment. I met all of them and thought they were pretty nice guys. Well, it seems that one was telling a joke that referred to a “nigger,” though I did not hear the joke because I was in another room. Later that night, the guy who told the joke apologized for saying the word “nigger” just in case I overheard him. He mentioned he was not racist and that he never used the word. Never ever. I told him I did not hear the joke, but I give him more respect for telling me what he said before I confronted him than to just hope I did not hear it. Later on, my roommate asked him who won the annual Halloween contest in their hometown, and he replied, “I don’t know who he was, but he was a nigger.” He could not even look at me; he just dropped his head as if to say, “I can’t believe I just said that.”
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Myron P., 24, black male, Georgia Southern University, Statesboro, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The word “nigger,” as well as any other demeaning word, can be extremely caustic, or it can be benign. I feel it depends on the context in which it is used. I work with many whites. Some affectionately refer to themselves and friends as white trailer- truck- and even boat-trash. I am aware my co-workers refer to blacks as niggers when I’m not around. For effect, I innocently referred to a co-worker as “boat trash” (he lives in a $50,000 boat). The reaction was very caustic. Everyone in the room paused. I was even reported to a superior. My response to my peers was that even though blacks use this word “nigger” affectionately, it is offensive coming from an outsider. Much like a German who is called a “kraut” by an American. They understood what I did, and why. One was moved to tears because of his offensive behavior and predisposed opinions (although I usually was not around).

The context, circumstances, intent and source are determining factors when offensive words are used. I do not believe in double standards. I was never allowed to use the N-word as a child, and I don’t like its use in my presence. I, and my parents, grew up in the South. This word not only has a negative connotation but is deeply associated with pain and oppression to me.
POSTED JUNE 21, 1998
SouthCentraLa <SouthLaCa@aol.com>, Quartz Hill, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I have a good friend who happens to be white. I was at his house one day and some of his white friends came in the house and said “Hey nigger-lover.” They did not see me sitting in the chair away from the door, but once I was seen, there was no apology or anything. They just acted as if nothing was said (they seemed kind of embarrassed). But I was very hurt.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Zakiyyah, 23, black, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I am biracial and have been called racist names by blacks and whites. I have been called “nigger” a lot more times than other racist comments. Sometimes when I am among co-workers and the n-word is the topic, I get asked, “Did your mother (who is white) ever call your father a nigger?” I always answer truthfully: Yes. People immediately become angry. But my father was physically and mentally abusive to my mother. She always taught her children not to be prejudiced. Saying “nigger” to my father was a way to hurt him for hurting her. It’s funny. My mom and I have argued over racism. I feel people of color are always faced with prejudiced attitudes, and she feels, after many years of living among blacks, that it is whites who are the subject of prejudice.
POSTED AUG. 3, 1998
Wilson, 35, biracial, Nashville, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I remember as a child visiting Forrest City, Ark. There was a store across the street from my grandmother. My sister, brother and I visited the store only once. When we went in, the male (husband) owner of the store yelled to the female (wife) owner to “go see what those nigger kids want!” We were kids and did not know what to do about it. In the rural South, in the early ’60s, things like that happened. Now, I think people would not be foolish enough to say that word so bluntly and so in your face unless they were itching for a fight.
POSTED AUG. 6, 1998
Regi, 38, African-American female <dana_48@hotmail.com>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
As long as the word “nigger” is used by anyone to refer to another in an endearing manner, the word will remain in our lexicon. There is one sure way to eliminate the negative aspect of this word, and that is to see and hear it used so often that it no longer retains negative connotation. Trying to eliminate the word places us in the position we are now. And how is one supposed to know when the word is being taken in a negative light when all you have to do is watch an airing of Def Comedy Jam. Talk about demeaning black people! If members of the black community wishes to retain the fraternal aspect of this word, how can they complain about its usage?
POSTED AUG. 27, 1998
G.Z., 50, white male <zolf@erols.com>, West Caldwell, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I’ve heard the word used in my presence (both intentionally and “accidentally”) many times, and it always makes me pause just a bit, and I end up stewing about it the rest of the day (and sometimes week and month, etc.) Once when I traveled with a friend to Moline, Ill., we were walking along the bank of the Mississippi when we passed by an old man and (presumably) his grandson. The old man was bent over getting bait for his fishing rod or something, but the kid, who was probaby no more than 4 or 5, said in this baby-sounding voice “nigger” for no apparent reason other than the sight of us. He didn’t say it like it was just a word like “bottle” or “car,” he said it like he knew what he meant. I didn’t say anything because I was too surprised and it seemed like his grandfather didn’t hear him or just chose to not respond. Even some 20-plus years later, I still think about that and it makes me a little sad. Sad for me and sad for that little kid.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Ken G., 30, African American <KennyG9@yahoo.com>, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
I am a white woman married to a black man. I was in a department store with my seven-year-old stepdaughter, and a middle-aged man man was not able to get a refund without a receipt. He finally screamed at the black sales girl, “This is what happens when they let niggers work in a white store.” I couldn’t get my hands over my stepdaughter’s ears fast enough, and she couldn’t believe that I said nothing. Frankly, I was afraid of the man’s anger, and shocked that he would say that out loud, in front of a child, and to that salesgirl’s face. Seventeen years later I still hate my own cowardice and can still see the hurt in my kid’s eyes.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Kimberly E., 39, white female, Orlando , FL
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THE QUESTION:
R195: I’ve been told that people in the black community do not want white couples adopting black children. Is this true, and if so, why?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Jessica C., 27, white female, Summerville, S.C.

ANSWER 1:
The most common term is “cultural genocide,” or the belief (somewhat correct) that because the parents haven’t experienced and don’t really understand racism or the black American subculture, they won’t be able to equip a child to deal with it.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t think African Americans are so against whites adopting black children, but I think it is better for the child to grow up in a culture with which he will be familiar. What I mean is that it is better to grow up with black parents if you are black. There are some cultural things that will be impossible or at least very difficult for a white person to teach a black child. I think that when that child grows up, he or she will have a lot of issues with race because they will be in a catch-22 between both races. Whites will treat that person like they do other blacks and they, having been raised by whites, won’t understand why or how to handle the situations. The child may have some challenges dealing with blacks if they aren’t around them and see themselves as part of that community. I think blacks fear the child will be robbed of his/her black identity. That identity is often all a black person has in some situations. How does a person function if they don’t know who they are? I personally think anyone who really loves a child can raise a healthy child. For anyone raising a child of another culture, I would suggest getting some close friends who will be part of your close network, so the child will be exposed often to their heritage.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Carmela, 29 <pecola@hotmail.com>
Atlanta, Ga

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
To Carmela: Jessica’s question was about adoption. These kids have no parents. Isn’t it better for these kids to have loving parents no matter what the race than no parents at all?
POSTED APRIL 26, 1998
Jas <themoas@aol.com>
Pensacola, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I used to be against interracial adoption, but now I think if a white parent makes the effort to teach the son/daughter all they can about his/her culture and about discrimination issues they may face (instead of denying it’s there), then a white parent can raise a child of another ethnic background just fine.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Kara, African American, Japan
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THE QUESTION:
R194: Why do so many white men start clubs and then not let or try hard not to let black people join?
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Chickenman, Ann Arbor, MI

ANSWER 1:
Life is not always fair. If I buy a restaurant and do not want children under 14 in there, shouldn’t I be allowed to do that? It is my money, not yours or theirs. If it is private property, the owner should be able, within reason, to make the decisions. I don’t know exactly what clubs you are talking about, but maybe the owner just wants his friends to join. It may be that none of his friends are black.
Kate, 18, white, Troy, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
Kate, the argument that a privately owned store should be allowed to hire whoever it wants or serve whoever it wants assumes the private owner is just that: “private.” In reality, that “privately” owned store wants police and fire protection (paid for with taxes paid by blacks); to have his goods transported to his store over public roads (paid for and maintained with taxes paid by gays); to have fire, theft, liability and other insurance (out of which claims are paid for with the premiums of Hispanics, women and the handicapped); and to be able to prosecute shoplifters in public courts (supported with the taxes of Jews, lesbians and others). While a store owner does pay taxes and insurance premiums, it’s not enough to pay for all of the above benefits. People can’t have it both ways: Either everybody pays in and everybody takes out, or we’re all on our own.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
Steve M., Lawrence, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
The most honest answer is that many white people want to hang around with people who look and act like them. To some people it seems awful, but I think it’s just human nature. There are certainly examples of clubs that are heavily black or Asian. The standard argument is that whites are constantly validated by mainstream society and therefore don’t need to retreat into white-only environments. However, this isn’t an issue of “needs,” but “wants.” I honestly think that if all the races were on totally equal terms and there was no more racism, that the races would still tend to stick together.
POSTED JULY 22, 1998
Dan <danielrand@hotmail.com>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Steve M.: You are stating that taxpayers pay for all these services and that therefore the club should be all-inclusive, yet taxpayers pay for these services, and churches, political organizations and even racists’ private property are still serviced by police, fire dept, roads, etc. I’m not condoning racism here, but you can pick who you hang out with. It’s a free country. Besides, why would a black person want to hang out with a bunch of snobby white guys anyway?
POSTED NOV. 27, 1998
Bill, 25, white <Bill@Perkins.net>, Charlotte, NC
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THE QUESTION:
R193: In talking with various people in the food service industry, most have expressed that black people do not tip. They tend to leave very little or no tip, and this is not believed to be associated with quality of service. Why don’t black people tip?
POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Cheryl C., white, 42
Livonia, MI
(Similar questions posted June 16, 1998, by Simone’, 27, white,<Kaminami@AOL.com>, Chico, CA; Bill B., <homer80986@aol.com>
Lakeland, FL; and L. Brown, North Augusta, S.C.; June 19, 1998, by Sterling, 28, of San Diego, CA; and June 25, 1998, by Brad P., 28, white, <Raddemo@aol.com>, Honolulu, HI .)

ANSWER 1:
Most blacks I know make it a point of tipping. However, a tip is based on the service received. If the service is not good, the server should be prepared to not receive a tip, or to receive a poor tip. Personally, if the service is not good enough to merit a 15 percent (adequate service), I try to make it a point to talk to the manager. Many people won’t do this, they just won’t go back. Perhaps the problem is that servers have a preconceived notion that blacks won’t tip well and therefore don’t provide them with the same service they’d afford any other patron.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>
Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am an African-American woman, and each time I go out to eat I leave the appropriate tip. I think there may be some assumptions here that are not true. I would venture to say blacks probably tip better because, as with everything else, there is the need to prove we are just as good and that we belong. Maybe the people you spoke with did not give good service and therefore did not deserve a tip.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Sarah R., Rochester, N.Y.

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I waited tables and bartended for years, and my experience says differently. My African-American co-workers agreed they were also frequently “stiffed” by African-American customers. I was an excellent waitress – I know this because I made extremely good money – but found it difficult to please the African-American consumer. Nothing I did was good enough, fast enough, cheap enough, etc. I want to point out that I am trying not to make a blanket assumption that everyone of this race doesn’t tip or is impossible to please; I am referring only to personal experience.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Dani, 28, white, Arlington, Texas

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a black woman who worked as a waitress, I have to say that some black people tip well and some don’t. It has been my experience that some people assume you aren’t going to tip and give poor service with that idea in mind. Of course they get a crappy tip, for crappy service. Then there are black folks who haven’t learned the protocol of tipping and either don’t tip or don’t tip well because of a lack of knowledge. I have learned from being on both sides of that fence that it is a give-and-take situation. If you give good service you get the tip, black or white. But if you let your ideas get in the way of serving people, you don’t get the tip. I once received a rather large tip from a black couple who felt they weren’t being treated well by one of my white counterparts. He couldn’t believe I got a tip at all. But I got a tip and a smile for good service and knowing how to deal with black people.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Carmela, 29, black <pecola@hotmail.com>
Atlanta, Ga

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I was always taught by my mother that you should tip when the waiter/waitress serves the food correctly, waits on the patron patiently and speaks politely. When these three things are done correctly, I tip up to or more than 20 percent of the bill. But in one instance, a waitress at a family restaurant continually ignored my friends and me, would not check on us and refused to answer us when we asked for her. Another waiter kept our glasses filled. Because of her horrible service, I left her a tip – a sheet of paper with the note: “In order to get a monetary tip, next time try being nicer and more responsive to your patrons. Thank you.” All in all, I am a tipper …when the service is worth tipping.
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Cheryl, 22, African American <Cherylb4u@AOL.com>, Memphis, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have always tipped well because I know food service workers don’t make much and depend on tips to supplement their wages. But not everybody knows this. It could simply be a matter of economics, as well as ignorance about the wages of waiters and waitresses (and I do not mean that disparagingly). However, if the staff made me wait for a table for an hour because they saw me as a bad-tip risk, they would be absolutely correct in that assessment, because they would get no tip.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Mark A. 39, black, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I am white and rarely tip. If the server happens to have an exceptionally nice personality, I might give her a tip, usually 10 to 15 percent. One of the main reasons I don’t tip is that I know (as a CPA of over 30 years) that most of the money earned is not reported to the taxing agencies. In addition, although the work performed can be physically taxing on one’s body, it certainly does not deserve the monetary rewards as compared to other professions in which the person expends much time and money in order to educate themselves, e.g. school teacher, nurse, etc. Although youngsters will not be able to relate to the following experiences, my mother used to have to be fitted into corsets (with whalebones back in the ’30s) and she used to say how difficult it was for the sales girls to help her into the corset, and they never got tips. If anyone deserved a tip, they did. Remember, the word tip means “to ensure promptness.” Being that a tip is left after the service is performed, and unless the patron is a constant repeat customer, a tip is not necessary.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Paul S., Mission Viejo, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R192: This may sound like a funny question, but do black people not have pets as much as other races? I never see a black movie or sitcom with a family dog. I don’t remember ever seeing a photo of a black person including a pet (except for African tribesmen with their Basenjis) and I’ve never read a bio of a black writer or actor or anything that mentioned pets, though it’s a subject often mentioned when discussing a white person. Why would this be?

POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Colette, 32, white <inkwolf@earthlink.net>, Seymour, WI

ANSWER 1:
I worked at an international tennis academy visited by at least 10,000 people per year. On the porch was the owner’s dog, constantly petted and played with by the thousands of tourists each year. The only time I saw this gentle dog bark or get vicious was when a black person approached. I asked a friend who worked at an animal shelter, and she said that even there, the dogs reacted badly to blacks. The only explanation she could think of was that because a black’s facial features were not as discernible from a distance as other races, the dogs became agitated.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
S.A.M., Kan.

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t have a pet, have no desire for one. It does seem that most white people have them. Whenever I hear coworkers talking about dog and cat hair and fleas, I think, “how nasty.” It seems like such an unnecessary burden. I have black friends who own pets, so I really can’t answer your question.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
African-American female, Charlotte, N.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Blacks do own pets. However, because of the level of economic disparity between blacks and whites (brought on by years of discrimination), owning and caring for pets is often very costly in an urban setting. In rural settings (where I grew up), I do not know any blacks who “do not” own various types of pets. To make my point, you should rent and look at a very fine movie titled Sounder.
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Martin, African American, 45 <mburrooo@swbell.net>
Dallas

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I love animals and do not see race as a factor in having pets. I have many friends, black and white, who like or dislike animals equally.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Holly M., African American, Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Television is just starting to show blacks as entire people, with families beyond one person to pick up/drop off a housekeeper for the lead family’s household. They just don’t show blacks with pets. In real life, how many pet owners you see would likely depend on where you go. In an area with a lot of apartment dwellers, you will likely find few pet owners, no matter the race/ethnicity. In homes, it seems amazing to me that black families that I’ve encountered will have a pet when it seems like a burden to survive on their own. As a black person, I’m probably around a higher concentration of blacks than the average white person. This means that I seldom see whites in real life who have pets. If they do, they are things like fish or birds.
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Blacks do own pets. I had a cat for about 17 years. My best friend had her dog for 13 years. And as far as not seeing black people with dogs, Oprah owns two or it may be four dogs. Some black folks don’t like pets, and I know some whites don’t, either. I also think, in reference to the comment about dogs reacting badly to blacks, that that is just a myth. My father had a dog for nearly 20 years. He still has a dog. Dogs have to be conditioned to react a certain way to others. I have several white friends, and most of their pets like me. The one pet that didn’t like me was said to have bitten its owner’s father. I take that to mean the dog didn’t like many people, period.
Carmela, 29 black <pecola@hotmail.com>, Atlanta, Ga.

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I’ve owned horses, dogs,cats, hamsters, gerbils and turtles. The only reason I haven’t had cows, chickens, sheep and goats is that I don’t live on a farm. (I had to pay a fee every month to a stable to board my horses.) Black sitcoms are just about as realistic as white sitcoms.
POSTED DEC. 18, 1998
E. Daniel, black <weezie@kc.net>, Kansas City , MO
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THE QUESTION:
R191: Why is it that Puerto Rican and Mexican people do not get along?

POSTED APRIL 16, 1998
Eli E., 26, Mexican Male <esco 73@aol.com>
White Lake, Mich.

ANSWER 1:
My best friend is Puerto Rican and I am Mexican, and we get along fine.
Nate <Jbone_1@yahoo.com>
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Mequon, WI
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