Race/Ethnicity Questions 111-120

THE QUESTION:
R120: Why do white teen girls seem to prefer Chaldean boys?
Charles W., 17, Stamford, CT

ANSWER 1:
I used to work with a Chaldean woman. According to her, many Chaldean men are supposed to give their bride-to-be a platter of gold on their wedding day. Also, they tend to spend quite a large amount of money on their women. Being a white female, like many other white females, money is important. I think they like the attention and money being spent on them.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Jessica, 21, white, Orion , MI
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THE QUESTION:
R119: As a white male living in the South, the often-times ugly racial history of my region is constantly brought up. I honestly feel relations between blacks and whites are better in this part of the country than anywhere else. I hope this is because the races have had to work and coexist together here longer – even though not always in the right way. What do black Southerners think who have traveled around, and what do other folks from other parts of the country think?
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Wallace, Southern-American, Atlanta, GA

ANSWER 1:
I am originally from the North, but have lived in the South nearly 10 years. I think the way things are in the South, it is easy to fool yourself into thinking race relations are good. They may be a little better, but good they are not. In the South, blacks have to stay within a certain range for whites to accept them, unless they are very educated. Then they have a better range. It seems as though there is an invisible line separating communities by race. More blacks and whites where I am from in Ohio live in the same neighborhoods, there are more interracial couples and I had more white friends there than I do here. I met more whites there, too. Don’t get me wrong: The South is great, and I like it here, but race is still a very real issue. Until you are suffering from the conditions of race, it is hard to understand the issue. It is somewhat like men and women not understanding each other, only it is more than that.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Carmela <pecola@hotmail.com>
Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I lived in the South for 30 of my 38 years, and felt similar to the way you (Wallace above) feel for much of that time. However, after moving out of the South to California and having traveled throughout the United States on business in the last few years, I have changed my opinion. It seems to me that many individuals in the South may feel as you do, but that the overwhelming culture and history of the South makes for a rather distinct yet subtle form of racial separation. Noticing color is a constant thing, and you are always aware of what you can and cannot not say to whom, especially when speaking to other white people, especially older ones. “Not being racist” seems to require a “stand” or commitment in the South, and when living there, that seems normal, yet it’s particularly … relaxing.

After moving away, I’ve found that this previously “normal” need to be consistently aware of the potential (probable?) racial bias of a given person has disappeared. The races mix much more transparently and comfortably, and I don’t see nearly the stratification of social and work-related groups. Color? It never comes up, and I never think about it anymore. I treat everyone the same now out of habit and out of comfort, where before it was something I had to remind myself about, as I was bucking hundreds of years of history, and many people in the South worked very hard to make sure I didn’t forget it.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Craig, white, Foster City, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I disagree with these two answers. I think it’s better in the South. I’m in an interracial relationship, and here in the South, most people don’t look twice. I lived in California (Fremont) for 10 years, and was subject to much more overt prejudice. For example, I would go into a store with my young son, and the clerk would look at me, look at my son, look back at me, look back at my son, at which point I would say something like “I know what you’re thinking” and they’d get all embarrassed. I had police stop me on the street several times to see if my son was actually mine, despite him riding on my shoulders having a good time! Here in Georgia, nobody says anything about it – they understand what the deal is, and pretty much could care less.
POSTED APRIL 10, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
When I was in high school in Houston in the early ’80s, many of my classmates were quite open and unashamed about their racism. I recall one incident when a cross was burned on the lawn of a black family who had moved into our 99.9 percent white suburb. I also discovered that the local Realtor, who was the mother of a friend, refused to show houses in our area to black families. My friend matter-of-factly stated that her higher obligation was to the property values of her neighbors. As an adult, I have heard many racist gibes and jeers from other whites who assume that all whites privately share their “we’re all in this together” attitude. Racism is alive and well in the South. I can’t speak for the North, but I expect it’s still flourishing there as well.
POSTED APRIL 24, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, Houston

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I grew up in California and moved to the South when I was 20. I was used to people treating each other equally. I grew up in a small town and went to a small college. When I made the decision to make the move to Alabama (my parents had moved there the previous year) I asked one of my college friends to visit me over the summer break. She was a young black woman and refused to make the trip. Her response to me was: “No! Down there they kill folks like me.” I was dumbfounded. Yeah, I’d read the history, but thought we’d progressed further than that. Unfortunately, this friend and I have lost touch over the last 18 years.

When I did make the move and began to make friends, I developed a close friendship with a black man. We would go to movies, dinner, hang out. We were good friends. My mother worried about me, not because of my choices but because of the “Southern mentality.” She would not forbid me to see him (or my other black friends) because this was not consistent with the values she and my father raised us kids on.

I finally understood the depth of the racial barriers in the South when Bobby and I were headed to a movie one evening and, while driving through a residential neighborhood, a group of young men started chasing us in a car and began shooting at us. Luckily, they were not good shots, and I ended up with only a few bullet holes in my car and very shaky knees. I lived in that same part of the country for almost nine years and saw no significant change in the attitudes. There is still a great deal of separation between the black and white communities (as well as other ethnic groups). I have never seen any evidence that blacks and whites get along better in the South. I saw less tension and fewer racial problems (between all races) in the 20 years I lived in California. Granted, I lived in a small town and then a small city, but we seemed to get along much better than anything I have observed while living in the South. I have since left the city where Bobby and I were shot at and still live in the South. I still see the definite lines that have been drawn. Although they are not quite as sharp here in Texas as they were in Alabama, they still exist.
POSTED JULY 16, 1998
Chole, 38, white female <cirra@usa.net>, Rowlett, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I grew up near Philadelphia and race was no more of an issue there than it was anywhere else – just something to be informed about and sensitive to. However, since I have moved to South Carolina, I am more aware (and much more sensitive to) the problems of race that still exist in this country. All the things I chalk up to racial paranoia are true in this region: The media, courts and government treat blacks and whites completely differently. Racial jokes are appropriate in any context. A restaurant in Savannah, Ga., has a sign outside that reads, “If we knew how much trouble you’d be, we would have picked our own damn cotton.” It is disgusting, and the strangest thing about it is that people like it this way. I cannot speak for the black community down here, but I know that white people I’ve been observing cling very strongly to this degradation of minorities. They do not acknowledge the human error of judging people based on color and have a strong system of justification for the inferiority of non-whites. I never imagined I would witness such arbitrary hatred and ignorance; I thought we had moved past this. Yet in this past year I have cried twice out of shame for my race. People around the country would be shocked (I hope) as I was at how truly bad it is here. It wasn’t perfect in Philadelphia (race-wise), but there was at least an acknowledgment of wrongdoing and an effort to make right.
POSTED JULY 27, 1998
D.M.M. <donikam@hotmail.com>, Charleston, SC

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I would like to respond to the issue of racial separation in the South by addressing it simply from a numerical standpoint. I heard a statistic that only around 10 percent of the U.S. population is black. My mouth dropped open! I went to a high school that was 60 percent black, and I have a very good friend who was the only white person in his high school. It seems to me the percentage of blacks in the South is more around 40 percent, at least. Having visited the Midwest, I would guess the percentage there is closer to 1 or 2 percent. Since the South has such a greater pool of blacks, it seems logical (not necessarily right) that there would be more racial separation, because there is more opportunity to have black neighborhoods, black schools, etc. I have a good friend originally from Nigeria who lived in Salt Lake City. She did not like it there because there were too many whites. This doesn’t mean she dislikes white people (we are very good friends), but she disliked the lack of cultural diversity. She felt uncomfortable living among so many whites. She loves the South because there are choices for association.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
M.A.M., 25, white female, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I lived in New York state for 26 years and definitely encountered racism. It exists in urban and rural areas. I then moved to Texas for five years, and I did notice the difference the questioner mentioned. Although relations between the races appears much more harmonious in the South, it is because true feelings are seldom publicly spoken. There is a strong undercurrent of mistrust, and tensions go largely unexpressed in public or mixed forums. In the Northern states, the racism is more overt, and confrontations occur. Although this might give the appearance of worse relations, I believe it creates more dialogue and results in more societal acceptance of racial mixing. Recently I moved to the Midwest, and find that the situation here is much like the South.
POSTED JULY 28, 1998
Gypsy, white female, St Louis, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I had the misfortune of having a layover in the Atlanta airport just as O.J. was being run to the ground in his Bronco. I was in a cafe filled with white people and serviced by blacks. I don’t know how many of these people were from the South, but I assume the majority. The interplay between the blacks and whites in the room was far more interesting than the one playing out on the TV. The glee in the expressions and postures of the whites grew more evident as the chase wore on, as did the distress of the blacks. The truly amazing part was that the whites didn’t even notice the effect this event was having on the blacks in the room. The looked right through them as if they were somehow unreal or fixtures of the room itself. I have encountered prejudice before in the North and the West. I have even met members of the Klan whose ancestors fought for the Union, but that scene in the cafe was surreal. Eventually, one of the waitresses broke down and started screaming and crying at the crowd, and looking at me for support, which I gave as best I could. The rest seemed oblivious as to the source of this blatant breach of social etiquette. Based on this experience, I would suggest that the peculiar attitude of the South toward race is alive and well.
POSTED NOV. 21, 1998
Kevin, 28, white male <hotemet@aol.com>, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I grew up and live in the New York area, but I lived for close to four years in Louisiana. My perception is that racism is well-entrenched in the North and the South, but it manifests itself in different ways. In the North, whites like to pretend they’re progressive and non-racist, even as they refuse to live near or socialize with minorities, and even as faceless, institutional racism carries on. In the South, I was initially appalled at how open the racism was, but eventually it dawned on me that the effect was no different than the “sneaky” racism of the North. Indeed, at least people of both races know where they stand with each other, in an unfortunate kind of honesty.
POSTED NOV. 23, 1998
Andrew, 34, white, former temporary Louisianian <ziptron@start.com.au>, Huntington, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
“Nigger” is a derogatory term only if you mean it to be. A couple of years ago the slang term for friend was “dawg.” Now it’s “nigga.” It’s all in how you use it.
POSTED DEC. 2, 1998
Michele, 14, white female <blue_cardinal@yahoo.com>, Battle Creek, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R118: I live in an average, middle-class Detroit suburb. I have noticed that when I drive through areas of the city, African Americans quite often drive cars that are rather expensive, such as Cadillacs, BMWs, and Mercedes-Benzes, etc. Yet, these same people will live in a $5,000 to $10,000 house. Is an automobile of high stature more important than living in a stable, safe neighborhood? Please help me understand this concept, or misconception.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
B.B. 26, white male <Skullxbonz@aol.com>
Detroit suburb

ANSWER 1:
Read the response to question R64 in the archives answered by Claire D. Her answer offers one perspective on your question. While I don’t completely agree with her response, I do believe it has some merit. It is much more difficult to qualify for a mortgage than an automobile loan. Also, consider the difference in the down payments needed. There are many lease and new car purchase programs with virtually no money down. Don’t assume that driving a nice car is more important to someone than living in a “safe” neighborhood. And just for the record, you don’t know where the people driving those cars live.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Michelle V., 32, white <MVroman@prodigy.net>
Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
It is not that it is more important to have a more expensive car than the house they live in. It is important to have a good, reliable car to get back and forth to work, or these individuals may not have the home that they do.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Michelle S., African American <yngmom18@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Why does someone have to live in a suburban environment when they become financially successful? There are many safe neighborhoods in major cities. I am a black male who is financially successful. I choose to live in a major city, and I choose to drive a nice car. I am closer to museums, galleries, libraries, universities, cultural facilities, clubs, restaurants, mass transit, etc., because I live in an “inner-city” area. (And I do not have an oppressive mortgage hanging over my head!) With the money I save, I can buy a nicer car. To me, the suburban lifestyle (with its isolation) is sterile by comparison.
POSTED JULY 26, 1998
S.G.D. 23, black male, Oakland, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R117: Is there any statistical data that would show how much time, effort and/or money is spent by white people (women) on tanning, perming, plastic surgery for lip/buttock enhancements, etc.?
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
Myra, African, 42, Milwaukee, WI
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THE QUESTION:
R116: I have come up against the bias that I am some to blame for 400 years of black enslavement. Why blame me? It makes me feel that I am not considered an individual, but the sum of the white race. I treat people based on my experiences with them, not on their ancestors. What can I do?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Ian F., white, 31 <Iroc_56@Yahoo.com>
N.Y., NY

ANSWER 1:
I feel that most African-Americans are not blaming any individual white person for past wrongdoings. African-Americans are mostly concerned with the things that white people (I am talking about those who are in positions of power and those who support them) are doing now. Much of the discrimination and oppression we face can be related (directly or indirectly) to slavery. However, not all of our hardships are related solely to that time period. I am not mad at white people for their past wrongdoings. I am angry at those who are oppressing us and supporting that oppression (either actively or by silence) now.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Kara H., African-American, Japan

FURTHER NOTICE:
See the reply to R87 from Molly (in the Archives). It’s a great answer to your question. I think it’s important to remember that the legacy of slavery continues, and that every day black folks are mistreated without deserving it, while white folks are given entitlements they haven’t earned. If you are stopped by a policeman and treated courteously, that’s an entitlement. If you go into a store and are not followed around as if you are a thief, that’s an entitlement. White folks need to recognize all the “hidden” entitlements they get each day that people of color do not get. As a white man, when you walk into a room, everyone assumes you are honest, upstanding, noncriminal, trustworthy, etc., until you prove otherwise. If you were a black man, a lot of folks would assume the opposite until you proved otherwise – so you would spend your whole life trying to prove things other folks take for granted. Unlike slavery, this is happening right now, and whites need to understand and take responsibility for the benefits they continue to receive from the racism in our society.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Sara, Oakland, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Sara, thank you for responding to my question. I do not feel that personally I take for granted the indignities you have described. I am sure that many do not understand. I just started to write that I felt frustrated by being judged by my skin color, and it occurs to me that this is what you are saying. The feelings I have pale in comparison to the racism that exists today. I am not trying to compare them. I suppose that I am saying that I treat people as people, and that I would like the same in return. Perhaps, I need to take a better look at my feelings and realize that the “racism” that I am subjected to in no way compares. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Ian F. <Iroc_56@Yahoo.com>
NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Also, I ran across and bought a wonderful book that all white folks who want to do what they can to erase racism should read: Uprooting Racism: How White People Can Work for Social Justice, by Paul Kivel.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Sara S., Oakland, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R115: How do black parents talk with their young children about slavery and historical and modern racism? How do you explain such enormous, organized evil? Same question for Jewish parents explaining the Holocaust.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Margaret B., 53, white <lib_best@online.emich.edu>
Ypsilanti , MI

ANSWER 1:
We talk to our kids about it in the entire context of what went on. Slavery was primarily driven by economic factors, and the racism that went with it was a justification for why “we” were treating “them” the way “we” did. People have done terrible things throughout history, and tried to justify them based on the notion of the “other” – “we are good, they are bad”, etc. At some level, this is an almost inherent human behavior (take a look at Bosnia), and we talk to them (our kids) about this. Again, it’s the context that matters – not only what was done, but much more importantly, why was it done? If you don’t examine the why, these acts become “senseless” acts.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Alex, 39, white <aleavens@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA
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THE QUESTION:
R114: Why was there so much hatred toward minorities in the early 1900s in California?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Joshua Z. <tightcivic@aol.com>, Rohnert Park, CA

ANSWER 1:
It wasn’t just in the West, but all over the country. During that time, millions of immigrants poured into the United States from countries all over the globe. Most of these had little or no money, and even more couldn’t speak English. As their numbers grew, they formed enclaves by nationality. This was all viewed by the established white populace with horror. Here were “outsiders” coming to the United States, taking jobs from them, creating places in the cities where WASPs were the outsiders, and bringing with them languages and practices that WASPs did not understand, and thus feared, and thus hated.
POSTED SEPT. 3, 1998
Dan, white male, Newport News, VA
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THE QUESTION:
R113: Do people consider Bruce Lee an Asian American hero?
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
David Johnson, San Jose, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R112: I teach parents and teachers about non-violent, effective guidance and discipline techniques with children. I often encounter resistance from African Americans who believe hitting/spanking is OK. It has been my experience that many African-American parents disapprove of hitting and spanking as discipline, but when those same behaviors are called “giving a whooping,” it is acceptable. How can I get them to consider otherwise?
RE-POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Richard C., 33, white male <richie1@mcs.net>
Chicago, IL

ANSWER 1:
Do you come up against similar bias from non African Americans? I ask this because I’ve heard from others who propose never striking children, and I’ve heard from Caucasions/Whites/European-Americans just as much protest. Most people in this country have grown up with their loving parents striking them in an effort to show them the wrongs of their ways. In fact, there are those who say that some situations will always call for physical chastisement, i.e. running out in the street, hitting another child, striking a parent. Most people didn’t learn to correct their children without striking them because they were raised with striking.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>
Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
A jury in California found that it was appropriate for the police to whip Rodney King, but when a mother fought with her recalcitrant teenage daughter who refused to follow her curfew, the mother was arrested. When the Jonesboro, Ark., boys were caught, the Federal Government was attempting to see if it could supersede the state so that an 11 and 13-year-old could be treated as adults. We have a dichotomy in our society: Never hit a child, but it he commits a heinous crime, kill him.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Richard R., 51, black male <romarti@erols.com>
Westbury, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R111: I teach anti-bias education. When I use the word “nigger” in a learning situation (i.e., a discussion about racism) I have been told that because I am a white male, there is no acceptable context in which I should utter that word. What do you think?
Richard C., 33, white male <richie1@mcs.net>
Chicago, IL

ANSWER 1:
N—-r is an especially offensive word even to me as a white person, unless you are using the word in an educational context (i.e. “black people used to be called n—–.”) Even then, you could probably just say “black people were called the n-word.” POSTED MARCH 30, 1998
Dan M., 40, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Maybe you should just refer to the word as the “N-word.” Even though you are using the word in the context of discussing race relations, some people may view the use as a challenge to them. Personally, I would feel that you were trying to see what my response would be; i.e. would I get angry, would I try to act as if you had not said it, etc.
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Lisa J., African American female, 32 <lisa.jackson@cmsx.com>
Smyrna, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
By avoiding the word “nigger,” we are all giving it more power. If someone were to call me a “honky,” it would not bother me; in fact, I’d feel sorry for the person who used it. If blacks tell people that the word “nigger” bothers them and make a big deal out of it, then it will be used to do so. The fact that broadcasters, who would otherwise report that a political candidate had been overheard to use the word “polack” or “dago,” would actually say that the politician had been overheard to say “the n-word”, proves that blacks have given this word tremendous power. What if I called you a “glorf?” It’s the meaning behind it, not the word, so blacks and trendy whites should not avoid this word if it’s used in a normal discussion.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
S.M., Kansas

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To S.M., Kansas: I don’t understand how you can say blacks gave the “N-word” power. The word was coined by whites to refer to blacks in an insulting manner. As is the case with most words, it is still viewed as an insult when spoken by whites and blacks. I think the usage of the words by some blacks is actually an attempt to nullify the meaning and the power the word has. You also stated that it is the meaning behind the word, not the word, and that blacks and trendy whites should use it in normal conversation! Why would one need to use that word in normal conversation unless the purpose was to offend the black person? Since you are not offended by the word “honky,” would you suggest that blacks and trendy whites use words like honky, cracker, wetback, dago, etc., in normal conversation? Also, what is a trendy white?
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Claire D., black female, Stone Mountain, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am an African-American, and to me the word “nigger” is offensive and demeaning. Why anyone would choose to add this word to a conversation, educationally or otherwise, is highly offensive. I agree with an earlier assessment of using “n” if a point is trying to be made.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
Debra P., Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
In an educational explanation, I’m not sure it’s so bad. For people to say “use the N-word” would denote childish taboos.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Scott M., 39, white <Scal8r69@aol.com>
Macomb , MI

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
To Claire D. and Debra P.: When I say “in normal conversation,” I mean like the discussion we’re having now, or if we were discussing Mark Fuhrman’s perjured testimony, or if we were in a classroom, or if a news organ were reporting on the use of the word by a politician or sports figure. When I say blacks give the word power, I refer to the fact that people can’t generally hurt you – but that you can let them hurt you. The fact that both of you tell me this word offends you tells people, “A-ha, here’s something I can use to get blacks going.” I can’t believe that either of you, if you were saying to a friend, “Did you hear that President Clinton was overheard to use the word (Chink/Whop/Spic)?”, would actually use the phrase “C-word” or “W-word” or “S-word.” We can reference other racial slurs in a normal discussion without being racist – why single one word out and give it special power?

If someone calls you “jerk” and it doesn’t get a reaction, and then calls you “bitch” and sees that it sets you off, they now know that “bitch” is something they can use to get to you – because you’ve given that word power. Let’s treat “nigger” like any other word and it will lose its power to offend.

Finally, a trendy white is someone who suffers from collective white guilt and says and does all of the politically correct things regardless of his or her belief in them (i.e., a reporter who will use the word “dago” in a story but says “n-word” because he or she doesn’t want to be seen as racist).
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
S.M., Kansas

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I took a linguistics class and we briefly discussed the phenomenon of a demographic group “taking back” a derogatory term. The gay community did this with words like “queer” and “fag,” which are now used within their community. I do not think this necessarily parallels the word “nigger” because of the historic context and because the majority of the African-American community has not accepted taking it back. And why would they? The word has such atrocious connotations. However, we must teach our children what did happen and what words like this mean. Does this mean we have to use it openly? No. That only models an undesirable behavior. Must we acknowledge its disturbing history and meaning? Yes, so that we never forget.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Rob, 25, white <jrmcnair@ouray.cudenver.com>, Denver, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I was surprised by the opinions of those who felt it was innapropriate for whites to use the word (utter the sound) “nigger” no matter what the context. Is the American taboo about discussing racial issues so strong that this central word is off-bounds? The world view of people who use this word as an insult, and those at whom it is directed, seem so far apart that I feel it is imperative for us to find ways to discuss these issues without constant fear of offense. That’s what I love about this site.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Joseph, 35, white <shaules@rikkyo.ac.jp>
Tokyo, Japan

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I’ve read a lot of comments by people saying we should use the word “nigger” freely. Should we start using the words f—, c–t and sh-t freely as well, so that they get to be common, eveyrday language? “Nigger” has always meant something negative. It would great, but think about society: It’s never going to change.
POSTED MAY 6, 1998
W., white female, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
To say that “nigger” could never be used in terms of education (or even in the context of this posting) smacks of social imperialism. What’s next – saying we can’t teach that certain African tribes contributed as much to the slave trade as white Europeans?
POSTED JUNE 22, 1998
Rob, 34, white
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