Gender Questions 1-10

THE QUESTION:
GE10: Where does the stereotype that blondes are stupid come from? Why not some other color?
Joseph S., 35 <shaules@rikkyo.ac.jp>
Tokyo, Japan

ANSWER 1:
Through the years, blondes were preferred for some reason or another, and some people became jealous; hence, all the blonde jokes.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998
Rob <Innvertigo@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
The image of a blonde bimbo has always been for me the type of girl who becomes so obsessed with appearances that she completely sacrifices her own trying to buy into the ideal. This includes excessive plastic surgery, excessive use of make-up and very often dying their hair blonde. I’ve found that girls who put this much concern on their appearance rather than other matters are often quite shallow and foolish.
POSTED AUG. 4, 1998
Agrivaine <agrivaine@yahoo.com>, Dublin, Ireland
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THE QUESTION:
GE9: I want to know why guys are so turned on by breasts. It is not fair to me that they can so easily check out my chest when I can’t do the same to their crotch. How important are breasts to males, and what pleasures do you seek from them? Also, for women, how satisfied are you with your size, and what encounters have you had because of the size of your breasts?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
J. Wu <Chinkgirl6@aol.com>, Lawrenceville, Ga

ANSWER 1:
I consider myself a breast man. Why do I like breasts so much? I haven’t a clue. I can derive pleasure just by looking at them. I consider the breast to be the most important part of a woman’s body. I would not be attracted to a woman who didn’t have nice breasts. They don’t have to be very large, but be in portion to her body. I know that the human male is attracted to a silhouette of a woman’s body for mating purposes. That’s how years ago males could tell the difference between a male and a female while looking far off into the horizon. The curve of her hips and the shape of her breast would be an attraction to the males. This is probably something innate in most males.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
James, 42 <themoas@aol.com>
N.Y., NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a female with an “A” cup. I do not really mind having small breasts, and my husband doesn’t mind, either. The only complaint I have is that I can’t wear some low-cut tops because I don’t have enough to hold it up!
POSTED APRIL 15, 1998
Shari D.,27, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a young woman who has always had big breasts. Because I developed young (12), many men approached me thinking I was older. At first, I loved the attention and even tried to get it. Now that I am older, I know that that attention was not the kind I really wanted. I am offended more when a man compliments me on my breasts than when he doesn’t notice them. However, I would feel naked without them because they are a part of my sexuality and femininity.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Cheryl B., 22, African-American female, Memphis, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think men are attracted to breasts for the following reasons: 1) Because a woman has them; 2) Instinct – big breasts mean lots of kids; 3) Their shape; and 4) Their softness. By the way, I think the sexiest part of a woman is not her breasts, but the area between them.
POSTED JUNE 3, 1998
Pieter, 23, male, The Netherlands

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I am married and 37. I think breasts are by far the most feminine of the visible female cues. They attract my attention and hold it. I imagine that is one of the evolutionary reasons for them. My wife has large breasts, and even after 12 years of marriage and two children, I still like the way they look and feel. Bigger is not always better, but proportion is important. They represent an obvious difference between the sexes, hence the attraction.
POSTED JUNE 8, 1998
Tom R., Kansas City, MO

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think that people are closer to nature than most of us like to admit. Sexual preferences of any sort are Darwinian forces that compel us to seek out a mate better suited for successful procreation. Before the invention of grocery stores, a woman with large, well-shaped breasts could likely provide more nutritional food for a newborn. A man who mated with such a woman increased the odds of his offspring growing up healthy. Thus, we males find ourselves attracted to large, well-shaped breasts today.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Rich, 28, male, Irvine, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I think I can give a decent opinion for the male and female parts of the question, as I am a bisexual female. The attraction of breasts, for me, is the softness and roundness. That doesn’t mean they have to be large, just something more than prepubescent-looking. I would not say breasts attract me more than any other part of a woman’s body. And I view a woman’s mind as the most important part of her body. As for my own breasts, I view them more as a nourishment system for my kids than in a sexual light.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Mel W. <felyciti69@aol.com>, Sioux Falls, SD

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The real reason men like breasts is that our humanoid ancestors probably had intercourse from behind. Breasts are echoes of the buttocks. See?
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Elaine C. <eoder1@compulinx-net.net>, Columbus, OH

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
It’s all in the curves. A woman’s body is pleasing to the eye and soul. I find that the more curves a woman has (hips, buttocks, chest, wherever), the more attractive she is. Art tends to bear this out; there are far more images and and sculptures of the female form than the male form. Remember, Rubenesque was the norm until relatively recently.
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Rick D, 39, male <rad@null.net>, Denver, CO

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
According to some evolutionary psychiatrists, it is due to the fact that human females are the only mammals to have developed breasts from puberty on. Breasts, therefore, are a signal to the male that this particular female is of childbearing age, and may be a potential mate. Since humans are not seasonal procreators (we do not produce children only when the female is “in heat”), this is one of the only signals available for males.
POSTED AUG. 21, 1998
A. Melville, male <Itsal560@aol.com>, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I am comfortable, yet uncomfortable, with the size of my breasts. I have friends who would die for breasts my size, but there are problems. Males tend to look at you as sex objects because of your breasts.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
E. Williams, 19, Africa American, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
As far as why we men prefer big breasts: It’s just something about a woman’s breasts that brings out the “animal” in me. The mere size, roundness and softness of certain women’s breasts makes my kness buckle. Don’t get me wrong, a woman’s breasts aren’t the only thing I go for; it’s just the most visible. Besides, I like to have something soft to lie on once in a while, and a woman’s breast is the perfect place as far as I’m concerned.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Robert, 24, black <rdixon@luc.edu>, Chicago, Ill.

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I am a 38DD and pretty comfortable with my size (except that it is difficult to find pretty and comfortable bras). I don’t have any physical problems with them because I am basically built to support them. I have found that men’s reactions to them vary. I’ve gotten everything from a “you look good” to a “damn, baby!” I don’t pay any attention to the comments, because as long as my breasts are noticeable (which they always will be), I expect them. The only way I can think of to hide them is to bundle up in layers of sweaters and throw on a coat, but that’s just not practical in the middle of summer.
POSTED OCT. 6, 1998
Adaobi, 22, female, <obia@rockvax.rockefeller.edu>, Bronx, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
I agree with most of the answers above – especially concerning evolutionary preferences for well-formed breasts. I would like to add another thought, however. Most babies get breast-fed by their mothers, which, even if they cannot remember it anymore as adults, surely was a very pleasant and intimate experience. I think this is an important subconcious reason why males (and some females ) are so fascinated by breasts.
POSTED NOV. 5, 1998
Max R. male, 23 <1016-393@online.de>, Frankfurt, Germany

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
The size of a woman’s breasts may be impressive, but in my opinion it is not the important thing to some guys. Some guys may look for that type of characteristic in some females. It is sometimes better to discover what is behind the looks – a good heart. The first thing I noticed about my last girlfriend was not her bust size, but about how lovely her eyes were. You don’t have to worry about how big your bust size is. It is better to find a guy who can prize you for your inner self than what is on the outside.
POSTED NOV. 9, 1998
Matthew L, 25, Asian male <mlee@curry.edu>, Quincy, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
Not all men are breast men. I have never dated or been that particularly turned on by women’s breast size. I am a sucker, however, for the tummy area, and most importantly (and probably most unbelievably for you women out there) beautiful eyes and a pretty smile. That, my dears, is what makes me catch my breath.
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
Hopeless romantic <bvarvel@wt.net>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I work the Rennaissance Pleasure Faire and find that my uplifted bust (my Cs in a custom-made bodice can support a full tankard when I’m standing) attracts a lot of attention. Only my cleavage, my face (not my hair or hairline) and my hands from below the wrist are exposed. Yet the customer with the woman in only three inches of spandex and stiletto heels will talk to my breasts and take pictures for the entire time they are visiting my booth. It’s not a bad feeling; if I did not like the way people were staring, and their inevitable stupid comments (“Are those real?” “Nice breasts we’re having today!”), I would make something else to wear. But it’s still fascinating.
POSTED FEB. 10, 1999
Aris A, 21, female <Arissssss@AOL.com>, Alameda, Bay Area, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE8: Is it considered too old-fashioned to still expect a man to pick up the tab for the first date with a woman? (Assuming he did the asking). What about if she did ask him out: Is it considered out of the question for the man to pick up the tab for the evening?
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
Apryl P, Black <apryl@mail-me.com>
Oak Park, MI

ANSWER 1:
I don’t think it’s old-fashioned for a guy to pick up the tab if he asks a woman out on a first date. In fact, I strongly believe he should. On the other hand, I strongly believe the inverse applies if a woman asks a guy out on a first date; that is, she should be prepared to pick up the tab. However, if the guy offers to pick up the tab when the woman did the asking, there is nothing wrong with that, either.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Trevor S., 32, black Jamaican <tsteer@worldnet.att.net>
Ypsilanti, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t think it would be old-fashioned for a man to pick up the tab for the first date. I guess you also have to look at the age group. I hear a lot of younger women talk about how they want to get a man to spend all his money on them. And then they say, “He still ain’t getting any,” as if sex were to be the payment for dinner. On the other hand, when you address an older group of women, the woman often tries to pick up half the tab. By doing this she feels she is not obligated to do him any type of “favors” after the date is over. If I were to ask someone out on a date, I would pick up the tab on the first date and not expect any favors on the first date. I would not want to date a woman who would be so free with her body on the first date. I would also pick up the tab if a woman asked me out on the first date, unless she insisted on paying.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Jas, black, 42 <starlites@aol.com>
Pensacola, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Unfortunately, I think chivalry is alive and well. In addition to respecting a woman’s right to pursue her own goals, conformity to the old-fashioned notion of picking up the tab, opening the door or even buying a gal a beer is still subconsciously expected. If a woman asks a man on a date, it is tacky, in my opinion, to expect her to pay for him unless she knows him well. Paying for oneself is acceptable, however. This may not be equal or fair, but it’s what women subconsciously feel, for the most part.
POSTED APRIL 18, 1998
Cerridwen, 27, female
San Francisco

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It is not old-fashioned for a guy to pay for a date. Today, both men and women pay for the date. If a guy asked me on a date, I would rather he pay for it, and if I do the asking, then I would pay for it. Today, girls are more turned on by a guy if he pays because it is not expected anymore.
POSTED APRIL 23, 1998
Holly, Mequon, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Back when I was dating (15 years ago), my date’s involvement in the financial outlay had an impact on my attitude. Example: 1) Sally and I have roughly the same income. We know each other just well enough for me to ask her out. I invite her to a play. I would expect to pay for the tickets unless sharing the expense was a matter of principal to her. But I would not expect her to make an offer or be bothered if it never was made. 2) After the play we decide to go to a restaurant. Here I would expect a gesture from her to share the cost. I would probably still offer to pick up the tab (gender roles are strong, and I did initiate the date) but of course would share it if the issue were a matter of principal. But if she didn’t at least attempt to share the expense, I’d be a little irked by her assumption I was going to pay for everything. I wouldn’t say anything, but a little irritation would be there. Things are rarely so simple, though. My expectations of Sally are very different is she’s a belle from Richmond or an artist in Soho. And relative financial status enters into it. If Sally’s a student and I’m working, then I’m more inclined to cut her much more slack (again, recall I initiated this date) than if she’s an investment banker. These things should get sorted out by the second or third date, though.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
David <mojohand@iname.com>, Mt. Rainier, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have a very strong resentment toward paying for sex. If I felt paying for the dinner was going to propel the woman to offer me sexual favors, rather than simply because she wanted to, I would try to appear as uninterested in the offers as a rabbit would be in chocolate. I would even feel quite offended if the woman felt she “owed” me something because I had paid for the meal. If the woman is good company, and I enjoyed being around her, I would have no resentment toward paying the bill.
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Andrew, 18, male <the13thtongue@yahoo.com>, Wellington, New Zealand
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THE QUESTION:
GE7: Why do so many young girls wear those tight, sexy black polyester pants and big, heavy black shoes? Those clothes seem to send the message, “I’m available.”
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
David H., 19, Dayton, OH

ANSWER 1:
I think girls wear those tight outfits because it makes them feel sexy, not necessarily to say they’re “available.”
J. Wu, 18, female <ChinkGirl6@aol.com>
Lawrenceville, Ga.

FURTHER NOTICE:
Teenage girls want to be fashionable, and fashions are designed for women, not girls, and we all know “sexy” sells. Besides, every young girl wants to look older, so they dress sexy and wear makeup. But it brings up another issue – men’s perceptions. It scares me to think men would be ignorant enough to think the girls are sending the message you describe.
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
Andi, 27, female, Seattle, WA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Young girls should not wear those kinds of clothes, ever. It disturbs me when I see it. Women, on the other hand, wear those things for many reasons, including to state their availability; that is the point of the mating game, is it not? However, it is important to keep in mind that when a male is observing a woman and her clothing, “I’m available” is not synonymous with “Come rape me.”
POSTED APRIL 21, 1998
Denise, 26, Bronx, N.Y.

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Remarkable: Big, heavy, black shoes now suggest sexual availability when worn by a woman. Just goes to show – the symbolic meaning of clothing is sometimes determined entirely by culture. Now, tight or revealing clothes – there’s some direct reason that these would be seen as sexy. But clunky shoes?
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Will H., 48, white, gay,
Dallas
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THE QUESTION:
GE6: I would like to know why men find that a “thin” woman is more attractive than a “bigger” lady.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
KimSaks <KimSaks@ivillage.com>
South Lyon , MI

ANSWER 1:
I know it seems unfair, but most men want a woman with curves, sexy, long, lean legs and a chest that juts out and is set off by a thin waistline. I am no different. I would rather be with a women who fits the beauty queen stereotype. I do not get excited by overweight women.
POSTED MARCH 29, 1998
David H., 30, Royal Oak, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Many men find “thin” women attractive because of what they (the men) are capable of handling. Many of these men have fantasies of things in the bedroom, and a woman who weighs a certain amount may be more difficult for him to try his acrobatics with. In addition, women who are thinner are less likely to spend a lot of time complaining about their appearance. Many clothing styles are not made to flatter a fuller figure. If you are larger than “thin,” don’t let it bother you, please. There are plenty of men who like women who are not “thin,” and many of them are desirable men!
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>
Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Personally, I don’t like skinny women. The models you see on the catwalk look sickly and ill to me. However, on the other hand, a very overweight woman also looks unhealthy. My perfect woman isn’t skinny, but rather has meat on her. The kind that could help me with the tight jar lid. So not all men think that skinny is attractive.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
R.B., Niagara Falls, ONT, CAN

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I’m a male in a relationship with a rather overweight woman. I consider myself rather thin (5′ 7″, 165 lbs). It isn’t all that bad, and I don’t think every male desires only “thin” women. First, you have to define what you mean by thin. Do you mean a model’s body in a fashion magazine? Not all men prefer that. Second, before questioning the preferences of men for thinner women, an honest assessment needs to be made about what the overweight woman wants, too. Many overweight women like only thin, physically fit men. So it’s a two-way street. Men do it; women do it. There are many women who won’t even strike up a conversation with a fatter man. For myself, I know that I simply want her activities and attitudes to match mine. I exercise and do not like junk-food. She shouldn’t either. I like to go skiing. She doesn’t have to know how to ski but she has to be able to try it without having trouble (same goes with other activities like sunbathing, jogging, etc). Some fun activities she cannot do with me if she can’t breathe after 5 minutes or simply has a low self-esteem.
POSTED MAY 2, 1998
David L., 25,Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Over a period of years, I noticed that I began to find larger women whose bodies maintained some proportion to be extremely attractive. I was embarrassed to admit that I found “Big Beautiful Women” attractive until only recently. Now that I express admiration for larger figures, I notice that more of my friends are admitting that they, too, find some larger women alluring. So take heart, please. My sense is that men have always liked larger women and are, like me, only lately feeling confident enough to admit it to others.
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Mark, 40, male, MS

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
A number of men love full-figured women, my husband being one of them. It all has to do with a man’s preference. Some will date only the super-model lookalikes and others would prefer a women with meat on her. A women who is overweight can be just as sexy as a model-type woman. It is all in how you carry yourself.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Michelle L. <yngmom18@aol.com>, Jacksonville, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I wonder how much of it has to do with conditioning. In our society, we are bombarded with images of thin women all over the media, and in this way we are often “taught” that thin must mean desirable. But yes, do take heart – in real life, more men find a good heart and extra curves more attractive than you think!
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Penelope, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
The worship of the skinny woman is a recent trend I do not subscribe to. I see beauty in women who are both slim and slightly rounded. Today Marylin Monroe is considered overweight, whereas she was considered an optimum size in the ’50s and early ’60s. Like all trends and fads, the pendulum will eventually swing, and today’s ideal will be tomorrow’s “Feed the hungry” poster child. The Yiddish word “zaftig” is a wonderful word for a wonderful concept. It means pleasingly plump, and it refers to a woman who is accentuated by a few extra pounds. It does not mean obese, but is frequently used as a euphemism for such.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
Larry H., larryhil@gte.net, Huntington Beach, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE5: Many of my male friends are much more forgiving to an attractive women who is an awful driver. Why does this happen?
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
M.T.M., male, Pleasant Ridge, MI

ANSWER 1:
I think part of the reason this happens comes down to male hormones. I find it very difficult to maintain the anger I usually find when a awful driver nearly kills me when faced with beauty. A beautiful woman invokes a protective instinct that is incompatible with anger.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Ray, 25, white male, Tucson, Az
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THE QUESTION:
GE4: Do women who go braless tend to do it as a way of teasing men or just to be more comfortable? I see more and more of this recently.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Jerry, Jackson, MI

ANSWER 1:
I am a 50-year-old woman who has gone braless as much as possible all of my life. This is for comfort. Ask yourself as a man: How comfortable would it be for me to wear a jock strap all day?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Diane H., Toledo, OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
I go braless whenever possible simply because it is much more comfortable to do so. But I will often wear an undershirt. Cotton shirts with the double pockets in front are great for this. I could care less about “teasing” any man. In fact, I am most likely to wear a bra around straight men or when playing sports. Some clothes are too sheer or clingy to go braless without some straight man gawking at me. However, for many large-breasted women, notwearing a bra can be quite uncomfortable.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
DykeOnByke, braless-whenever-possible lesbian <DykeOnByke@aol.com>
Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Speaking only for myself, it would not have even occurred to me that going bra-less might turn a man on. I do it because it is much more comfortable. I liken it to wearing a necktie. Would you do it if you didn’t absolutely have to?
D. Burke, 32, <dburke@execpc.com>
Milwaukee, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a woman with a 36-D chest, I rarely roam around braless because I get tired of two things: 1) how uncomfortably hot and icky I feel after a while and 2) the obvious ogling I encounter. I do have one sexy black dress that simply will not allow me to wear one, but in that dress I feel prepared to deal with the roving eyes. I expect it and enjoy it!
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
K.R., 27, white female, Alabama

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Maybe the woman with a 36-D cup finds a bra comfortable, but when you are very large (40-DD), the bra band cuts into your flesh more. It is a gravity-defying act to take the long breast and hold it up parallel to the ground. It also draws more attention to them if they are held up unnaturally. Without a bra, they sag and don’t appear nearly as large. So I’m actually apt to receive fewer stares from men when free of a bra.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Joan, 39, Tucson, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I go braless as often as possible, though in most dress codes for work there is an unwritten code for women to wear bras. I would prefer to go without a bra at all times because it is much more comfortable and freeing. Wearing a bra all the time would be like a man having to wear a tie all the time. Though in some work places, that is also mandatory.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Wendy B. 30, female, Wendlea@aol.com, Sparks, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I rarely wear a bra, and occasionally I feel uncomfortable about this, because I wonder if other people view it negatively. My concern was that maybe people saw it as socially inappropriate (like wearing ripped jeans at a formal affair or wearing your pajamas out it public). It never occured to me that people might think I was doing it to “tease.” Do men feel teased by braless women? Needless to say, I do it for comfort.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica N. female, 26, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I think most women go braless because of comfort and not because it may turn men on, though if they do go braless to do this, then I say “go right on.” Comfort to me means no bra!
POSTED JAN. 19, 1999
Sher S., 52, female <sherri.shepherd@reichhold.com>, Raleigh, NC
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THE QUESTION:
GE3: Why do most women seem to prefer older men?
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Christopher D., 22 <alphacentuari@mindspring.com>
Arlington, TX

ANSWER 1:
A few reasons come to mind. Men who are in their thirties and forties are usually more mature than men in their twenties. They will call a woman when they say they are going to call (a concept that twenty-somethings have yet to grasp), and generally treat a woman better. By this point they are established in a career/job and are not still floating around. Not to say that money is an important issue, but a steady job is an attractive quality in a man. And unless these guys are going through a mid-life crisis, they appear to be a little more forgiving if the woman’s body is less than Baywatch-worthy!
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Colleen, 26, Ontario, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE:
Coming from a woman who is 22 and is dating a man who is 36, I think women are attracted to older men because they are established in their careers, lifestyles, etc. They know what they want and how to get it. Younger men are too worried about what kind of beer the local bar is serving. Older men are more secure in letting a woman be a woman.
POSTED APRIL 30,1998
Stephanie P. <Stephiep@hotmail.com>
Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It is not true that all women prefer older men. I generally dated men (and married a man) older than me. I was divorced at 37 and found men younger than me quite attractive. Men in their early 20s often have trouble finding a woman young enough to appreciate their charm, wisdom and worldliness, yet old enough to do the same stuff they do. In your mid- to late 20s you will find your range broadening, I believe.
POSTED MAY 4, 1998
Pam S. <palema@downcity.net>, Willimantic, CT

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I am currently with a man five years my senior and I can honestly say I would have trouble being with anybody younger. Sometimes I have difficulty with him being as young as he is. My mother has repeatedly told me I should date somebody closer to my age or younger. I find older men extremely attractive and more confident in themselves as well as their partners. They also have their experiences in life to pull from while conversing or debating, and I’m sure I’m not the only female who enjoys a good verbal sparring. Also, an older man who will stand by you while you find the niche meant for you and who helps you expand yourself is always nice.
POSTED MAY 7, 1998
Diana M., 23 <Ktastrophe@aol.com>, Charlotte, N.C.

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Now that I’m in my 50s, I think back and realize that while I was a teenager and in my 20s I wanted an older man. But when I got in my 30s and above, I had a propensity for younger men. I can’t explain why I experienced this change, but it is puzzling. Currently, I am 56 and my boyfriend is 45. I think I also had a boyfriend who was 45 when I was 18-20. I didn’t find either less or more sexually or socially experienced. I definitely don’t want an man older than me now!
POSTED MAY 12, 1998
Joyce J., 56, black <JoyceJ@Compuserve or JoyceJ6362@AOL>
Detroit, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have a very cynical view of human nature, but here is my response: I think younger women dating older men in many cases has to do with power. First, the man can show his success and power because he has had the time to accumulate things. This attracts younger women, who can then share in this power (they don’t have to wait until a partner their age has reached the same position in society). Second, the older man’s choice is limited because of his age (most women his age have partners already, while he’s getting bald and fat), but the younger woman has plenty of choice. Dating the older man thus gives the woman power, as in “:you better do what I tell you or I’ll leave and you’ll never get anyone such as me again in your life.”.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Mario, 30, The Netherlands <mariotam@wxs.nl>

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
As a female respondent said above, dating older men for some women yields a sense of security (he can support her financially and emotionally). The converse makes sense too – as more younger women slowly shift from men their age to more “established” older men, the younger men have to compete harder for mates. As they get older themselves, they make up for their “lost youth” by dating women much younger than themselves. Consequently, one could say that a woman’s “best years” occur when she is young and deteriorate when she gets older. On the flip side, a man’s most lonely years are in his youth, but his best years are when he’s reached 35-40. This is a crass generalization, but I think the tendency is there.
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
David L., Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Older men generally have more money. I’m in my early twenties, and have found that the men who were older than me could afford to take me out more often, and do more things than a college guy trying to afford tuition. Also, not a lot of young guys are ready to settle down and have a long-term relationship, whereas many older men are through with their casual dating days. There are exceptions to every rule, of course.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
Courtney S. 22, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I think there is a tremendous amount of pressure for women in their twenties today. The pressure to be successful, choose a career path, start living in the “real” adult world and be equal to their male counterparts can be overwhelming. In a way, a lot of that can evaporate when you are with someone in a different age bracket (older or younger) than you. There is no competition and pressure to be equal to your counterpart, because they are not your counterpart – they are someone else, at a different time in their lives, expected to be doing completely different things. How you stack up next to them in the eyes of the world, or in your own head, can be much less of an issue.
POSTED SEPT. 30, 1998
Jessica N., 26, white female <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I am 24 and my husband of three years is 33. We met five years ago. My preference for an older man wasn’t that he was already established in his career and had acquired a house and material possessions (although it didn’t hurt). It was because he, with his career and home already intact, was ready and willing to establish and commit to a long-term relationship. In contrast, most of the men my own age that I had dated were still concentrating on building their careers and enjoying their relativly new-found freedoms of being an “adult” (i.e. legally able to drink, no curfew, no parental guidence, etc.).
POSTED OCT. 13, 1998
Sabrina N., Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I’d love to date younger guys, but they just aren’t interested. I think the main reason women date older men is that most men are only interested in younger women. Also, look at how society reacts. An 80-year-old man dating a 25-year-old girl is considered a lucky guy. A 40-year-old woman dating a 25-year-old man is considered some kind of cradle-robber – and he’s assumed to be only after her money. Society just doesn’t accept it.
POSTED NOV. 24, 1998
E. Tarr, white, 40, female, CA
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THE QUESTION:
GE2: Director’s Paraphrase: M.R. of South Lyon, Mich, would like to know why some younger women are attracted to what she terms “loser” or “rebel” types of men who might leave them later when they have children. The questioner would also like to know what can be done to sway a woman away from such a man.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998

ANSWER 1:
Manipulators come in all ages. They spend a lifetime learning how to manipulate, and they prey on kind and vulnerable people. The best defense against a manipulator is a strong sense of self and an awareness of how manipulators operate. A good source of information on neurotic manipulative behavior is Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon. Everyone can be manipulated to some extent. However, even when there is a strong sense of self worth, the manipulator needs to be avoided from the onset of any neurotic behavior. At the first sign of abuse, show up missing.
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Binny, 40, Sharpsburg , MD

FURTHER NOTICE:
It is a matter of dominance. The male has always been, and probably always will be, physically dominant over the female. He is expected by society to fulfill his role as head of the household and protector of the domain. Historically, our Western culture recognizes so-called “trivial household chores” to be beneath the dignity of the protector of the domain.
POSTED MARCH 22, 1998
Tom Nagle <nagle@mich.com>
Clarkston, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
For myself, a “wilder” man offered some excitement before I had to settle down and have kids. I think that may be tied up in growing up – new freedoms, opportunities, etc. Plus, some people aren’t so sure of themselves at a young age – I didn’t want to feel like my life was too predictable or set. And if you’re smart, you look at his family and see how brothers, cousins, uncles, father turned out – if they “settled down,” then you hope you can eventually make him settle down, too. I want to emphasize that wilder shouldn’t mean beating, cheating on or taking all the money. Everyone has their own definition of wild. I’ve been happily married for 10 years now, and are we ever “settled down!” Love is seeing the potential in someone, not just who they are at a given moment.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Rebecca <wheretheheartis@msn.com>
Franklin, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I, too, am one of those women more attracted to the “bad boy” image in a man. After much self-analysis, I’ve come to realize I was considering myself unworthy of a successful man who seemed to have his life together. My self-esteem, or the way I saw myself, was always low. In order not to attract such men, may I suggest raising your self-esteem; be self-confident (seems to sway them). Know what you want in a man and don’t settle for anything less. You may see “potential” in someone, but don’t go into a relationship thinking you can change him. Because, from my experience, you cannot.
POSTED MARCH 25, 1998
S. Addington, 34, white <saddingt@umich.edu>
Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think women are attracted to so-called “loser” men because they give them the adventure they never had. I’m not so sure women aren’t aware of their leaving tactics. I think we know full well and are just too mesmerized to do anything about it. That is why “good” guys don’t get a chance until later in life. While that may be wrong, it’s too true. Sorry.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Kim S. <KimSaks@ivillage.com>
South Lyon, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I was attracted to “wild men” because I thought they’d be a lot more exciting. I was 19 at the time, and my age may have played a factor in my choice of men. I had a choice of going for the pastor’s assistant or the juvenile delinquent. I chose the juvenile delinquent. It may be due to the fact that I had a restrictive childhood and was expected to be the model of goodness. I really wanted to ditch my “goody two-shoes” image. Now that I’m “older and wiser,” I’m more willing to settle for a more stable relationship.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Alexis Bell <zanymystic@hotmail.com>
San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
The whole idea of females (regardless of age) seeking a male with a “bad-boy” image is moreso influenced by family structure and the culture of the individual. When I refer to “culture,” I am speaking of the environmental factors, religion, and the extensive array of contributing influences that are responsible for shaping such an individual. It is also by preference that one would choose to be tied to such a male. I understand there is quite a degree of oppression; however, the only way to prevent an abuse of this would be to regulate the factors that do the influencing. In other words, it is not likely there is much we a can do to regulate the influences, as different individuals react quite differently to their surroundings.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Vanessa K, 19, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Many women like what they see in rebellious or wild men – the excitement, the freedom, the very wildness – and at the same time, believe the man will change with the “love of a good woman.” The old saying “You would if you loved me” takes on a whole new meaning in this dynamic.
Diane R., 31, Plymouth, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
A man I once dated told me a “nice guy” like himself was always left waiting while the women he was interested in pursued the “bad boys.” His reasoning: A woman wants to prove she is the one female with the power to change his “bad boy” ways. Of course, we all know you can’t change anybody, so when the “bad boy” has done enough damage, the “nice guy” will still be there waiting. Well, it doesn’t always work like that. He didn’t wait (got married), and I’m still finding plenty of “bad boys”!
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Karen P., 49, Mixed-American <MsKaryn220@aol.com>, Norfolk, VA
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THE QUESTION:
GE1: Why is it that many men age 35 to 45 want the income their wives bring in, but still want them to do everything that women were doing in the fifties, when they didn’t work?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Sue G., 38, Oxford, MI

ANSWER 1:
I guess I would have to ask why so many women seem to need that income. My wife and I decided early on that we would sacrifice the extra money so she could stay home and raise the kids. We split household responsibilities: I mop and vacuum floors, scrub toilets and bathrooms, and fix basically everything; she does laundry and the majority of the cooking and, of course, tends the kids. The rest of the duties are shared. It’s a great arrangement in terms of stress management. When I hear women I work with talk about how hard it is to keep up with home and work duties, my first thought is “No kidding!” I can’t imagine it. I have a great life and no problems with child care or finding enough time to relax with my wife. The down side is I don’t live in the most prestigious suburb, my kids don’t go to the most expensive schools, my wife drives a minivan that’s a couple of years old and I drive a cheap beater to work. What is the obsession with having it all (now! to boot)? Maybe that’s a better question.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Peter P., 37, white <PPROUT20@aol.com>
Redford , MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
It’s probably for the same reason many stay-at-home women want their husband to help with the domestic work but do not want to help him with the economic work. For 30 years, we’ve heard that “women’s” work is burdensome, oppressive, unworthy. Is it any wonder some men want no part of it? But here’s the rub: Although women put in more hours in the home, men put in more on the job. The result is that men and women average about the same hours working. The man who wants a working wife who does all the housework may or may not find someone willing to accommodate him. And the woman who wants the traditional female options of staying home, working full-time, or doing some combination as it suits her may or may not find a man who will accommodate her.
POSTED MARCH 28, 1998
Jerry B., 56 <jerryaboggs@juno.com>
Livonia, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I don’t think it’s accurate to suggest men put in more hours working than women. My husband and I both work full time, but I do at least 75 percent of the housework, arrange for the car to be serviced and do the gardening, shopping and child care or child care arranging. Most of my friends seem to find about the same division of labor. Our husbands think they deserve a prize for doing that 25 percent, because their fathers never did anything.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Diane D., 56, yourpetdiane@yahoo.com, Corona, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
This isn’t really a question about men and women, it’s about individuals. If your husband is making you do all the grunt work while he sits around drinking beer, maybe you need to reevaluate your marriage partner. In my opinion, too many women marry a guy they know is going to be like this, then complain when they can’t “change” him. The bottom line is you don’t buy a Chihuahua to be a guard dog, and no one buys a Pit Bull to babysit the kids. If women would pick better boyfriends and husbands, instead of looking for characters out of a movie, they wouldn’t have this trouble. If it comes to a head, hold off sex until he washes the dishes. That’s what all my girlfriends have done.
POSTED JULY 18, 1998
B., 22, straight white male, Kokomo, IN
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