[Kim H.]

First, the history of each grouping of people of color is different. In other words, not every ethnic group is going to react the same way to certain situations because our history and events are different. That is why whites need to stop lumping us all together. Whites should stop assuming we will react the same way. Class figures prominently into this as well. History in America will tell you that blacks were considered invisible over a number of centuries. That's where the word 'spook' (in pertaining to blacks) comes from. This was first brought about when blacks were servants. The whites could talk and conduct business in front of the black servant because the servant was considered invisible. When you bump into a black person, there is the perception that 'You don't see me! Because if you did you wouldn't have bumped into me.'

Second, black people do not like an invasion of their personal space. To get so close that you are touching when there is no family, friendship, or lover relationship involved is almost seen as an aggressive act or affront.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

Wow! You've used really loaded (negative) words to describe the African Americans you observed. It tells me that you have already passed a certain type of judgment on their behavior. Could you be comparing them to your own culture? Is your culture the only culture that others should aspire to be like? These are just questions you might think about when you observe people different from yourself and the language (words) that you use to describe what you see. I like to think that we are a passionate people, that we love life and like the bigness in living life in a much fuller way than many other people. I like to think that we are colorful people in our manner of style, dress, dance, music and language. I like to think that these are the things that we embrace rather than the labels of loud and boisterous. In light of your question, I find it funny that America's dominant culture is constantly embracing (co-opting) many aspects of the African-American culture and practically claiming them as their own. As a side note, you might want to hang around Jews, Italians, Latins (just to name a few) and find them exhibiting the same "love of life" behavior as African Americans.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

My parents did a great job trying to equalize the work in the home. They both had jobs and for three-fourths of my dad's working life he had two jobs ... and they still split the housework! The jobs my mother hated doing, my father did, and visa-versa. It didn't matter that a particular job was usually assigned to a certain gender; my folks just plain worked it out. When each of us kids hit first and second grade, we were also given duties and a time frame in which to have it done: Things like dusting and helping fold laundry, etc. I think that stating (yes, even to an adult) that a house doesn't run itself and in a family everyone has to pull his or her weight is something that has to be put out on the table, often. If your hubby doesn't like to pull his weight, he should pay for someone else to do it, because it's not fair to you. Either he hires someone, or gets a better job so you can stay home, if that's what you want. Or maybe you should leave his jobs undone and don't do them for him and see how far he can go before he can't stand the mess. Or just plain tell him that this is a part of marriage (doing housework) that is non-negotiable - the work has to get done and done right. Many marriages have broken up over this very situation you're facing.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

I think America really hasn't come to terms with its own history. It is hard for a country to admit committing genocide (Native Americans) or instituting laws that restricted the making of families (Asians/Chinese) or enslaving a race of people purely for economic reasons (African- Americans). It's hard for white Americans today to admit what happened, and even though an apology to black Americans just might, after all these years, actually start the process of healing, few white Americans understand this: If you weren't the slave owner, perhaps you were the "the slave owner's wife." In other word, even though your ancestors might not have owned slaves, you have still benefited from the system that instituted discrimination against and enslaved blacks. It's hard to admit to something that you are still in denial about - consciously or unconsciously. I think white Americans have to understand and learn their own history, here and in Europe. Prejudice and discrimination and how it was institutionalized was brought over here from Europe. It's deeply engrained and nobody seems to want to take responsibility for it, or even their own behavior in regards to it. The folks that trivialize it are almost always of a group that has enjoyed the priviledge of not being discriminated against in the way that Blacks have. So, I'm always surprised when others 'get-it.' It will be a wonderous day when whites in America stand up and give an apology to People of Color and all the things that we have had to endure for centuries....and continue to experience---yes it will be wonderous indeed! And perhaps we could start to exhibit some new behavior on all sides. But right now--- with no formal apology---it is like America is saying to us once again---'You are not worthy nor do you have value enough for me to care about what I have done to you.' So, what does one do with that? Tread water and keep telling yourself that you are worthy and a valueable human-being...and pray a lot and try to teach your children that they are somebody---even though American doesn't really support your idea.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

I can't speak for Asians and I can't speak for all black folks - I can only speak for me. First, I think the region of the country in which a person lives may play a factor in how certain ethnic groups interact. For instance, I know that on the West Coast, relations are quite strained between blacks and Asians. Yet here in Minneapolis, we don't have that type of strain. I think a lot of the problems lie in the structures within cultures that are misunderstood. Let me give you an example: Let's say it's Los Angeles and Koreans move into a predominately black area -they survey the neighborhood, take note of what is lacking in the way of commerce, and within a short time open up a couple of much-needed stores. Blacks see this, and think that these "immigrants" are receiving monies that they can not access (myth or not, aside from any red-lining by banks). Blacks are angry that they are unable to get money to start businesses of their own. Now, let's stop here and look at the situation. What a lot of blacks don't understand is that most Asian cultures are very clan-oriented. These people will pool their resources to benefit the group. Our history in this country is different. If you recall, it was against the law for three or more blacks to get together. There was an air of "look out for one's own" when we were slaves. One did what one had to do to better their position on the plantation; thus the conflicts surrounding "field niggers" and "house niggers." Of course, in this day and age, it translates into a lot of mistrust and in-fighting within our communities - not anything that is conducive to working together.

Of course, this explanation doesn't touch the obvious issues that many immigrants, including Asians, who have embraced capitalism fully, open up stores and conduct business in a way that exploits the poor and already disenfranchised, to make an extra buck. It is all about the bottom line. I'm always shocked and amazed when businesses, of any kind, take a more humanistic view. In any case, blacks' history in this country is different from any other ethnic group living in the United States, and whether anyone wants to believe it or not, we are still trying to throw off all the after-effects of slavery that muddy our thinking, make us suspect others and have us second-guessing our own genius. We're trying so hard to expel the kinetic memory of it, but it's hard to do. I guess we'll be taking it into the next millennium with us.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

You're in your mid-30s; you have lived a little while. It's not like you don't know a little something about life and circumstances. I guess I don't understand what you really have to "deal" with. Your birth father is just that. He supplied the genes - he didn't raise you. His breaking his vow of celibacy is his issue, not yours. I don't know where you are with your church's dogma -perhaps what your intimating in your question has to do with the Catholic institution. I am not Catholic, but I've always felt that the vow of celibacy for many people (especially men) is a very difficult vow to keep. A lot of folks who go into the priesthood do so when they are very young (in their 20s) and have not had a chance to experience certain things. I understand why the vow is taken - sex and marriage can definitely co-op one's focus, especially if one's mission is to serve the church. But I'm not wedded to the idea that forced celibacy is the greatest thing in the world. I think it is wrong to deny such a natural thing as to express one's love and/or feelings to another in a physical way. Sex is just as much a gift from God as anything else. It is man in his finite wisdom who puts the negative spin on it. Remember, most dogmas of most religious institutions were constructed by man. All the rules and regulations are constructed by man, not God. I don't think God much cares if your father is a priest or not. Out of all the things you could spend time thinking about, in the big scheme of things this should be at the bottom of the list. You're here. He fathered you. Hopefully you're living a good life. What more can you ask for? If you are so moved to connect with him, then do it. But don't waste your time mired in something that happened 30-plus years ago. Don't judge your birth father. What's done is done. Good luck to you.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

Forever and a day, we've referred to white women as "Miss Ann," or we might use the term "gray girl." The term "Megan" is probably this guy's own term - but it makes sense: As blacks are no longer required to address white females with the pronoun "Miss." Prior to the civil rights movement, you could lose your life not using a "Miss," whether the white female was 3 or 103. I'm sure the name Megan is not one of the top 10 names a black family would name their daughter. It's just a name that, when used, would make you assume the person was a white female.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

Women in the past and certainly at present have certain "fashion" expectations put on them, by a world dominated by male designers. So a lot of women already feel "forced" when it comes to clothing. We are forced to emulate a style or fashion that is not ours and that we wouldn't necessarily choose for ourselves. Men's clothing is cheaper, made better, lasts longer and, above everything else, is far more comfortable than the majority of women's clothing. (And remember, most women make less money than most males in the United States, so buying cheaper certainly makes sense.) On a more political and psychological level, minority groups, whether they are people of color or women, will find ways to emulate or challenge the power structure - even if it is through fashion. Look at when women demanded to be able to wear pants in public - around the 1930s. Why did they have to demand the right to wear what they wanted to? Because men made the laws and expected women to know their place, which dictated among a host of things, clothing. Nowadays, some women will adopt a mannish style of dress in order not to be sexually harrassed, which makes sense, especially when women are attacked physically and men don't want to take responsibility for their actions and often cite that it was the clothing the woman was wearing that provoked them to attack. Finally, when women wear men's clothing, it is to say to the world that they do not want to be pigeon-holed and that they are not going to give in to a less-than-equitable power system. So if some men get p----d off or intimidated in the process, all they need to do is don a tight, uncomfortable dress and walk several miles in stilettos, and they, too, will understand the position their power structure has put women in.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

I bet the teacher who gave you this little gem of information about black students was white. I've been dealing with students for more than 25 years. What I have observed is this: The school system reflects the values and mores of the dominate culture (white), so there is an emphasis put on control - the controling of one's emotions, actions, thoughts, etc. This particular value judgment can be quite detrimental to students who are kinetic learners. Kinetic learners come in all colors and in both genders.. Obviously your teacher friend has taken the word "kinetic" out of the equation and has replaced it with very loaded and subjective words like "aggressive," which means that any of her students whose best way of learning a subject that does not embrace sitting quietly and in control of their actions is likely to get labelled any number of things. Unfortunately, in the U.S. school system labeling starts early and follows the student all the way into their adult years. Labeling is one of the prime culprits of kids developing poor self-esteem. This is exactly how students of color get labeled and erroneously put in remedial classes, or have negative assumptions made about their intelligence. If more schools provided different styles of learning, negative assumptions about students wouldn't be so prevalent.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

It's because most of white America does not honestly know how American history is experienced by people of color. I can see how a white person would think the word "uppity" was a pretty benign word. In American white society, certain rules and values were established to keep whites in power. A lot of these rules were known as Jim Crow laws: Restricting blacks from certain employment opportunites, education, health services, you name it - from having blacks sit in the back of a bus or train or in the balcony of a movie house so whites would not have to be disgusted by seeing blacks when they did not feel the need to - all the way to "never looking a white person in the face" - especially if you were a black male speaking to a white female.

Any time a black person challenged a rule set down by whites, he or she was seen as over-stepping themselves - not knowing their (subservient) place - trying to be equal to whites, when it was clear by white people's judgment and standards that blacks were inferior and would never be equal.

So, in calling your colleague "uppity," even in a joking fashion, you are telling him that he is over-stepping himself and has no right to believe he is equal to you. We blacks rarely use that term "uppity," and never use it to mean anything positive. It is definitely considered a slight.

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Kim H.]

Ebonics originated the same way most languages develop - out of necessity to communicate. I don't think most of us black people in the United States see this language as an embodiment of a "slave pathology." That is a very subjective call, because you have to look at who is in power within the "power structure," i.e. who is calling all the shots, who is deeming that this language is "less-than"?

When Ebonics is spoken as the primary language, the speaker should understand that people who use this as a primary language are not making the power decisions in this society. Therefore, as with any speaker of a foreign language, those who use Ebonics should learn standard (white) English so that they can switch back and forth using the language that serves them best in a given situation.

The slave mentality that you elude to has mostly to do with believing that one is inferior, worthless, has inferior intelligence, etc., i.e. the basic belief system employed when one race of people is in need of conquering another. You do what you have to do to break down a people in order to "possess" them. I find that embracing even a smidgen of any of the beliefs employed by the oppressor is far more damaging to blacks in the United States than anything else. And it is believing the lie of inferiority that keeps so many people from leading successful lives. Not just blacks folks, either; there are a lot of white people who feel the same way and are stuck. But then I have to ask the question: What is success? And whose measure of success is it?

User Detail :  

Name : Kim H., Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Humanist, Age : 43, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Occupation : Actress, Playwright and Director, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

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