Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences
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I have never gotten a clear answer to your question despite my honest desire to understand anti-gay-marriage people (not all straight people think the same, by the way). They usually invoke religious justifications, health issues or general moral climate arguments, but these are all so nonsensical as to defy refutation. I always ask the question this way: how would your life change if I were allowed to marry my partner? Specifically, what would happen to you, your children, your grandchildren, etc.? I have never gotten any kind of response to this simple, obvious question.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,You are very wise to question you and your friend’s behavior, because it is not clear at all whether it is derogatory or just funning around. The answer rides on how it makes you feel, and involves how he feels doing it. It speaks well of your friend that he returned to the friendship after coming to some sort of terms with your gayness. If his calling you names is his way of dealing with still being uncomfortable, then over time he may well stop on his own (especially if someone else joins in and he has to defend you). However, if he is dealing with your gayness by showing hostility in order to demonstrate that he is superior to you, though still willing to be your friend, then it sounds unhealthy (and he would be unlikely to defend you when someone attacks you for being gay). Then there’s the question of how YOU feel about it. Does it hurt you, even a little, when he calls you a faggot? If it does, it needs to stop. Friends don’t deliberately hurt friends. If it does hurt you, can you tell him and ask him to stop doing it, or are you afraid that that might harm your friendship? ‘Faggot’ is a mean word when applied to a gay man, just as ‘bitch’ is when applied to a woman. They can be funny in the right context, when everyone knows that the speaker is not intending any harm, but if your father called your mother a ‘bitch,’ do you think she would think it was funny? I don’t. Think about what you are feeling, and if you are feeling bad at all when he calls you a faggot, then you should mention that to him. Not in a mean way, but just let him know that it makes you feel bad. If he dumps you because of that, then he wasn’t really your friend to begin with. If he makes an effort to stop, then you are truly lucky, because you have a good friend, and they are hard to find.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,Whether your son is gay or just ‘going through a phase’ as you did, he needs more than just ‘the talk’ about sex. He needs to know about the dangers of engaging in risky behaviors and how to avoid them. But he needs to hear these things in a non-hostile way or he will reject the advice and could end up hurting himself. If you think you are able to give him advice without appearing hostile or condemning him, then you should let him know about the possible ramifications of unprotected sex, sex with strangers, etc. If the possibility of him being gay is too disturbing to you, you might want to find someone else who can help your son without scaring him away (say, a therapist who will not focus on orientation so much as behavior). In my opinion your son is too old for this behavior to be considered ‘fooling around’ and too young to be engaging in it regularly, no matter whether it is with a boy or a girl. I definitely would not let this go, but would handle it the same way whether his sexual partner was a boy or a girl.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,You’re not the first person to think of this strategy. Blacks called it ‘passing’, not admitting to being black if they could avoid upsetting white people by pretending they were one of them. Gays call what you are describing as being closeted. It means not responding or just lying when someone at work asks you what you did this weekend, or not joining in when all the girls are talking about their boyfriends, or just generally walling yourself off from others because you don’t want them to guess your terrible secret. We’ve had enough of that. This woman says she came out, and she’s out now. She doesn’t want to pretend anymore to avoid disturbing other people. Does that mean she walks around stopping strangers and sayng ‘I sleep with women!’? Of course not. But your suggestion that she simply avoid any mention of her own life, or lie if she has to, in order to get by in society, is a giant step backwards into shame and fear. Gays don’t have to choose that any more.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,There are two main categories of people who object to homosexuality. The first is the moralists who believe that because of religion or nature or whatever, homosexuality is simply wrong. I doubt this first group would endorse homosexual women any more than homosexual men (at least not in public). The other category is those who regard the world as a playground for their own personal titillation. For a man in this category, the idea of two women together is attractive because it evokes a fantasy involving him (the truth, that they would be an unwelcome interloper, would be a real joy-killer). Of course, if these men don’t find the lesbians attractive, their obsession evaporates quickly. The heterosexual women who accept lesbianism do so because it turns their man on, and that makes them happy. It has nothing to do with acceptance of lesbianism, and everything to do with satisfying – and keeping – their mate. Male homosexual sex doesn’t do anything for heterosexual men, and heterosexual women are smart enough to know that they would be an unwelcome participant, so it has no benefits for either heterosexual gender, therefore it is still anathema. By the way, this whole issue p***es me off no end. But what can you do – times will change.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,Your premises (that “whites” don’t care about Iraqi children or police torturing civilians) bespeak anger and prejudice on your part. None of the issues you raise are as simple as you make them out to be. Your distinction between the feelings of whites vs. those of African Americans is far from obvious (do you have evidence that most blacks are against the war?). Generally speaking, Americans feel compassion for helpless animals who are abused for no reason, but feel less compassion for criminals who don’t obey the law or the police. Americans are outraged by police who act like criminals, but forgiving toward police who may cross a blurry line while enforcing the law. Pro-war Americans have no animosity toward children, black, white or Iraqi, but believe war sometimes to be necessary (for example, while some Iraqi children undoubtedly died from American bombs, millions of Iraqis, all of whom were at one time children, died under Saddam’s regime). Finally, though it seems to you that many whites are too willing to believe police act in self-defense, it seems to me that many blacks are too willing to forgive black criminals.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,You forgot the word “some,” as in “some gay guys over-enunciate when they speak.” There are all kinds of gay guys, and many of them act perfectly straight. You might even know a couple and not even know they’re gay. As to the ones who do over-enunciate, it’s an affectation that they’ve adopted because it suits them, the same way you might affect a certain look (say, sexy, or demure) or a certain style (say, boisterous, or shy). Perhaps it differentiates them from straight people, or binds them together with other gay people. Interestingly, some English people tend to speak that way, too, which makes Americans think they’re gay when they’re actually just being themselves.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,We don’t decide to have feelings; we just have them. The important thing is what we do about them. You can continue to enjoy talking and emailing this guy, but that is no substitute for getting to know someone in real life. If you do get together in real life (safely, of course), you have to ensure that your current feelings about him don’t cause you to bypass the normal process of meeting him, getting to know him and perhaps someday dating him. Remember that on the computer, and to a lesser extent the phone, you’re only seeing the part of him that he wants you to see – that’s much harder to do in real life.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,Even though you chose to respond to this question by proudly expressing your prejudice and disgust, I applaud your conclusions. Perhaps as you grow older you will become more reflective and think more carefully about the subject of homosexuality, but for now it is enough for me that you acknowledge its existence and more, its right to exist without interference. Oh, and by the way, some people are disgusted by the relatively new disability you have, ADHD, preferring to think of it as a behaviorial issue rather than a human condition. Interesting prejudice, don’t you think?
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,Your decision rests on whether you believe you should live your life according to your own beliefs and morality, or someone else’s. There will always be people who disapprove of you and want you to choose between being true to yourself or bowing to their wishes. Every adult must decide for him or herself which is the right thing to do in a given situation. Associating with gay people does not make one gay, any more than associating with people of a different race or sex or religion would. Some people judge others by their friends, but that says something about the judgers, not the judged.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,I do all those things, unless there is some overriding reason not to (a dirty toilet seat, guests coming over for dinner, a new relationship, etc.). I think it’s possible to go too far with hygiene. As long as one is clean and doesn’t smell, I think we’re all pretty safe from disease these days. I mean, besides the spoon, you could also worry about how well the dish you’re using has been washed, whether there are any germs floating around in the air, and on and on. Hey, my kids put rocks and dirt and God know what else in their mouths, and they seem fine!
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,Part of Christianity is converting others, and many Christians take that duty seriously. Often I am approached by well-meaning Christians who somehow believe I’ve never heard their arguments before and if they can only get through to me they will be able to convince me to join their religion. While I’m up for a good discussion any time, it gets very tiring to have the same conversation over and over with different people. Plus, I know I’ll never convince them that I’m right (I wouldn’t want to; I have no wish to interfere with or change their beliefs) and I come off as a bully if I try to prove that their religion doesn’t make sense. Another thing about Christians that bothers me is that often they will use logic and reason to try to convert me, but abandon it when it goes against them. I find that very dishonest. Finally, because many Christians are hostile to homosexuality, they have created an inherent animosity with me and other gay people.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,1) Gay men do not necessarily have anal sex, and if they do they likely don’t have it ‘night after night’ any more than a woman who has sex is likely to have vaginal sex ‘night after night.’ 2) Anal sex for men stimulates the prostate gland and therefore can be pleasureable. Even some straight men enjoy this stimulation. 3) Assuming you regularly have bowel movements, you yourself are already using that area of your body daily without harming yourself. 4) You are guessing that your ‘bowels would hurt like hell’ based on your impression of what anal sex is like, and not on the facts. It is no big deal to learn to relax the sphincter, which is just a muscle. Regularly relaxing it does not loosen the sphincter muscle any more than having bowel movements every day for 80 years does. People who regularly engage in anal sex are not scared of it, do not tense up before doing it, and in general have a better awareness of that area than people who don’t have anal sex. The popular phrase ‘it’s an exit not an entrance’ is funny, but doesn’t really describe the facts; the sphincter muscle doesn’t care if it opens in response to pressure from the outside or pressure from the inside. To prove this, consider infants when they are given anal medication or laxatives: there is virtually no discomfort, simply because they have not yet learned to fear or tense up when someone approaches their anus.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,I appreciate where you’re coming from, and as an atheist I can honestly answer the question ‘Where did we come from?’ with ‘I don’t know.’ I just don’t. It doesn’t bother me – there are a lot of things I don’t know. When you answer that question with ‘God,’ it just raises more questions in my mind, and it doesn’t seem to get me any closer to a ‘truth.’ ‘God’ seems like a way to wave your hands and say, ‘There, now I know the answer,’ but in fact you haven’t explained or proved anything. I’m glad you find comfort in believing that God created everything, but to me the issue of how it all was created is just not important in my life. Interesting, sure, but not important. You accept God and your religion; I just accept the world I live in.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,Speaking as a gay man, there are many reasons that some gays adopt feminine attributes, but it is important to realize that the vast majority of gays do not dress or act like women. While the gays who do act like this garner the most attention, they are a small minority. This doesn’t make them bad, by the way.
A gay man may choose to be effeminate because a) he is effeminate (we all know young boys who act like young girls at a very early age and never grow out of it), b) they feel the rejection of society and want to rebel against it by becoming outrageous, or c) they feel a camaraderie with other gay men by rejecting societal norms. They might also be catering to the population of straight men who want to feel like they’re with a woman but also want to be with a man. There are all kinds of people out there, and some gay men like straight-acting men (most, in my experience), while others like effeminate men. After all, if there were no market for effeminate men, they’d probably be very lonely and change their behavior.
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Name : James D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 47, City : Summit, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,
