Dare to Ask: Gay men appeal to her. Is there a problem here?

By Phillip Milano

Question

I’m attracted to gay men. My boyfriend has a problem with this. What is wrong with me? — Gina, 21, Dallas

Replies

Sunshine, nothing is wrong with you. Gay males are a Safety Zone! — Paul, gay, Akron, Ohio

Of course he has a problem with that! You’re attracted to men with qualities he apparently doesn’t have. That said, most women wouldn’t blame you. There is a reason for the cliche “All the great men are either married or gay.” Gay men tend to take better care of themselves and be more stylish. They tend to be less macho and sexist in how they relate to women. — Lynne, Arlington, Va.

I have plenty of female friends. It’s because if they ever catch me looking at their chest, they know I’m trying to read their T-shirt rather than get my jollies. — Brian, 18, gay, Minnesota

Why is this a problem for your boyfriend? Is he homophobic? Or maybe he’s unsure how “gay” some of these guys really are. — Rich, 46, gay, Seattle

It boils down to insecurity and ignorance. — Paul, 27, Austin, Texas

These friendships have the advantage of being platonic, which attracts many women because of the “forbidden fruit” mentality — you want exactly what you can’t have. But if the issue is sensitivity and empathy, many straight and bisexual men are just as caring. — Chris, 24, bisexual female, Chicago

Would your boyfriend think it was weird if he found a hot lesbian attractive? Hot is hot, regardless of sexual orientation. — Jean, 39, lesbian, California

Expert says

Straight gal/gay guy? That’s touching — with no touching!

Some straight women enjoy the lack of sexual tension when with gay men, said Tom Dolby, co-editor of the book “Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys.”

“There’s no issue in terms of who’s going home with whom,” he said in an e-mail.

Cliches about straight women and their gay pals swooning over shopping and dishing about men are superficial, though, he noted.

“I think most straight female/gay male friendships have at their heart a real sense of mutual understanding that may be lacking from other friendships and relationships.”

While he didn’t think Gina was off-base to hang with gay men, she should consider what her penchant means, he suggested.

“If it’s to the exclusion of all other friendships and relationships, then I’d say there’s something wrong. … I think single girls can sometimes use gay men as a crutch when they are not in relationships,” he said. “She might want to ask herself what she’s getting from her gay male friendships that she’s not getting from her boyfriend.”

And hopefully she isn’t the kind angling to “turn” a gay man.

“I think that’s a pretty futile endeavor!” Dolby wrote.