Race/Ethnicity Questions 291-300

THE QUESTION:
R300: Why are black women more comfortable being big women, whereas white women feel they must be “Cindy Crawford” thin?
POSTED JUNE 2, 1998
Jenifer N., 19, white, Panama City, FL

ANSWER 1:
In my African-American family, there are people of all shapes and sizes. Fat, tall, short, thin. No one teases anyone else; no one dismisses anyone else’s looks, either. We just accept each other and get on with it, which is cool, ’cause when my family gathers for family or holiday events, there’s always good food and no one skimps on the eating. We feel comfortable enough to eat until we’re full. We have a good time, and there’s a lot of love and honesty in my family. There are other things more important than looks.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Raya, 21, African American, Hampton, VA

FURTHER NOTICE:
A lot of black women like being slim, and I happen to be one of them. Most whites have the image of “Barbie” to be compared with, and black women are not compared to any perfect cartoon image. Thank goodness, because it makes a lot of black women very confident about their bodies.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Ify, black girl <ifebigh77@hotmail.com>, Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Cindy, I’ve been what you refer to as “big” since I was 12. I’m a mother and grandmother, and life has taught me that when one is caught up in the shallowness of outer appearance, much of life’s beauty is missed. It is healthy to love yourself no matter what you look like. Because when it’s all said and done, the outer shall pass away. Think about it. Is the contribution you (in the collective sense) want to make to humankind contingent upon being “big” or “Cindy Crawford”? I love myself, and I choose to find myself content in whatever size my physical body is. Why? Because I know it’s not how you look on the outside that really counts. As a blessed, confident, beautiful and happy person I feel that “thin may be in, but fats is where it’s at; nothing but a dog wants a bone.” Also, in many indigenous African cultures, it is believed that the fatter the woman, the better taken care of she is by her husband. Seriously, once you learn to love yourself, age, race, size or perception of beauty doesn’t matter.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Drea, 46, African living in America <momidrea@hotmail.com>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think white women feel they have to be thin because they feel it is what men expect from them. On the other hand, I think black women are expected to be voluminous, so they do not feel, in general, they must be thin.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Chrissy, 19, white female, <Thebooger@aol.com>, Las Vegas, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Black women have grown up in a culture in which weight is the last thing to worry about. Taking care of the family, making sure there is enough to eat, finding a job/man, keeping a job/man, etc. are just a few of the priorities in our lives. We have also grown up with plus-size female relatives who have demonstrated success in their personal and professional lives. Lastly, most black men like a woman with a little meat on her.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Kim, black female <john0101@earthlink.net>, Phoenix, AZ

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
As as full-figured black woman, I think we are more comfortable with our sizes – although not all black women are big – because we don’t buy into the standards that are always saying a person must look a certain way. I plan to run a marathon. I know for me, I would like to shed pounds, but love who I am no matter what or anyone thinks. White women, and women in general, are constantly being told they have to be thin or they are not beautiful, sexy, etc., whereas blacks have always accepted larger-sized women. It’s all about confidence. And remember, just because you are big, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not healthy.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
T. Spen, 26, African-American female <auset2be@aol.com>, Largo, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
As Oprah Winfrey’s constant struggles have shown, many black women are very uncomfortable being big. However, there are two answers to your question: 1) Our body type, which is genetic, and 2) Our diet – which is self-explanatory. Our body type (bottom-heavy, big hips and thighs and narrow waists) leads many non-blacks to believe we are sedentary or “comfortable,” when actually we are just shaped differently. In our Eurocentric, black women’s genetic traits are criticized as “fat,” “ugly” and “unseemly.” Many black women struggle their whole lives trying to be “Cindy Crawford”-like, not because she is their idol, but because they want their beauty to be recognized as an American ideal – just like Cindy Crawford.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
L. Holland, black, 31 <loriholl@pacbell.net>, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
My wife is very black and is a fitness fanatic. She works out at least 10 hours a week. Many of her friends do the same. I feel some black women are very confident about themselves, and realize they must overcome many obstacles that are larger than a waistline. Possibly, genetics may be a factor as well. Although it is possible, why should a woman be overly concerned with altering hereditary factors that many men find attractive? It has been my experience that many white females in the Midwest and deep South are not nearly as obsessed with their measurements as white women in California and Florida. Why? In America we have about 35 million black people. Is it realistic to assume the majority of that number are all the same?
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
SouthLaCa, 29, black male, South Central Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I don’t think black women are comfortable being large, but that it is more of a combination of genetics and control. I am a black woman in my late forties and am overweight. I have tried for years to fight the obesity, but it has been a struggle. Obesity runs in my family. Also, all black people do not have the financial means to hire private exercise people and go to spas. When you add stresses of the work world and several other factors, it’s no wonder we black women find it so hard to be “thin.”
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Annie <peaches@digitalexo.com>, Greenwood, Fl
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THE QUESTION:
R299: Why is it that Americans seem to have an impression that French people are rude and hate Americans?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
E.W., French male, Portland, OR

ANSWER 1:
The American impression that the French are rude or dislike us is a tribute to inductive reasoning: It takes but a couple of such references to create a conceptual image that soon seems real. For me, the references came from two sources: My high school French teacher and a friend who had traveled to France. Both gave the clear impression that the French were intolerant of foreigners in general and found Americans in particular distasteful. This is an interesting question for me to reflect on, because while I feel French people dislike Americans, I have never been to France, and the only French people I have ever met have been friendly and agreeable.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
Doug H, 45, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
As an American woman of French descent, I speak French and spend my summers living there. In general, French people are more direct than Americans, dispensing with the sugar-coating of any information, and rarely feel personally attacked by reciprocated directness. In general, they are not taught to “make nice,” or smile at strangers, as we are here in America. This directness is often mistaken for “rudeness.”

The French don’t hate Americans, but they do resent the many visitors who assume the superiority of America and never consider the long history and many achievements of France. Regarding the “Ugly American” stereotype: Unfortunately, many stereotypes have a basis in truth. I have frequently witnessed Americans barging into shops and assuming the employees spoke English. They didn’t politely inquire if anyone did; they just assumed. They also assume that American money is the only “real” money. The bottom line: This American “chauvinism” can be annoying to the French.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
Karla O. 42, karlaober@aol.com”, Long Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
My parents traveled to France about eight years ago. All they could talk about upon their return was how poorly they were treated by the French. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words, and now my only opinion is the same as theirs.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Ted D., Sacramento, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I don’t know about other Americans, but my impression of the French being rude comes from a trip my wife and I made to Paris about 10 years ago. Even though we did meet a few friendly people, I would have to say many more were rude and very impatient with us. For example, my wife attempted to use her high school French on a few locals and was more or less told to “don’t bother trying, just stick to English.” I could go on, but basically I think French people have gotten a reputation for being rude because people like me have spread the word about their bad experiences with the French. To be fair, I think some of what we criticize the French for may be just cultural differences in how we deal with people, especially strangers. Perhaps the blunt and aloof attitudes I sensed were not intentional acts of hostility but something else. Maybe it’s just Parisians being normal big city folk and giving the rest of you a bad name.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Cliff B., 44, Yorktown, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’ve been to France twice in the past few years. When I turned to someone on the street, asking for directions (in English) I would most of the time be ignored or get the feeling the person didn’t really want to help me, unless I pronounced the street name with a French accent (which I can do since I’ve studied French). The basic feeling I’ve got is that French people (the ones I’ve met) are very impatient with the English language. This may be because of a lack of knowledge of it. I think this might be the reason English speakers might feel French people dislike them.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Efrat N., Jerusalem, Israel

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I have felt the French people’s rudeness and arrogance firsthand on a trip I took to Tahiti, which of course is French-controlled. We flew on a French airline, and the attendants were very rude. The native people of Tahiti were by far friendlier than the French who occupied the island. I am not sure if we were treated the way we were because we were Americans, or if the French are just rude and arrogant by nature. Even the French we encountered on the ground at the airports were very unfriendly.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Dan, Hd74Ci@aol.com, Eugene, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
It’s due to differences in etiquette and culture: Americans do things French people consider rude, and French people do things Americans think are rude. I recommend the book French or Foe by Polly Platt. It’s about the cultural and etiquette differences Americans face when in France (especially Paris). The author is also working on a version for the French to help them cope with Americans.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Colette, American, inkwolf@earthlink.net, Seymour, WI

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
This is a perception that was more or less a given for both cultures until recently. I visited France twice last year, and two times before in the ’70s. I recall reading a newspaper article several months ago that stated that the French, especially Parisians, had come a long way in changing their behavior toward foreigners, especially Americans. I believe it was a program initiated by the government, giving this perception some official sanction. I’ve not had negative experiences with the French, but I can sympathize with them. American tourists can be pretty boorish, in somewhat the same way Americans tend to depict Australians in popular culture. The vestiges of monarchy and royalty might yet still influence French culture and behavior to some degree, something that makes Americans uncomfortable.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
D. Moore, 46, getriodm@flash.net, Aptos, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Because that is how they are treated by the French. I visited friends in France and found that when people found out I was American, they treated me very rudely. I am not very extroverted and do not tend to stand out, as some Americans do when in foreign countries. In France there is an attitude of superiority. I try to treat people as individuals.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Tim B., Carson City, NV

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I have lived in most of the states from California to Florida, and I was surprised by your question. I have never encountered that feeling anywhere. I took French in college because I had always been told it is the most beautiful language. People I have met seem to believe France and French people are romantic and sexy.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
E.J., 53, female, Ft. Myers, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
I think it’s because Parisians (not the French in total) seem to have a somewhat smug attitude and maybe a less-than-tolerant view of tourists; many people then, by erroneous extension, believe all French share the same traits. It’s really just the less-travelled who probably feel that way; everyone I know who’s ever visited the French countryside was completely enchanted. And by the way, Caribbean islands of French sovereignty are absolutely delightful, and arguably the best by far of all the islands in that area.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Cindy M., white, German roots, 47, islnd2sm@jps.net, Lake Forest, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
My staff and I do employment and educational verifications worldwide. Most people we call (if we don’t speak the language) will go out of their way to attempt to help us. I have called several French universities (where to attend you must have taken English classes), and they will speak French only and hang up on me, rather than attempt to help, if I speak English. If you don’t believe me, call the Registrar’s Office at Universite Claude Bernard in Lyon and try speaking English only.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
K. Fremin, Temecula, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I’ve visited Paris and the surrounding countryside twice in my life. My husband and I found a large part of the French people in Paris to be extremely impatient and rude to tourists in general. I do not speak much French, but I do speak Spanish. I believe part of the intolerance exhibited by the Parisians is that American tourists rarely speak a second language. I would haltingly ask something in French and they would respond, very haughtily and impatiently, “No!” As they were turning away, I would ask in Spanish. They would stop in surprise, turn to me and be much more polite. Almost every European country requires its students learn a second language. America is barbaric compared to Japan, France, etc. in this regard. Maybe that’s where some of their intolerance comes from.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
M.C.T., 38,white, teacher, mother, Long Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
The happiest time of my life was my Junior Year abroad at the University of Paris. Yes, the French are very different from Americans, but it’s a complementary difference. We excel at commercial values; the French have greater respect for intellect and esthetic than any people I’ve met. Yes, the French are rude, but they are among themselves even moreso than with Americans (it’s the English they really dislike). If you can return insults, it becomes something of a sport. One such encounter: In le Havre one Sunday, the restaurants were closed, and I was traveling with two English guys in 1967. We went into a bar, and while I was asking the bartender about sandwiches, one of the English guys opened the ice cream freezer to see what kinds of packaged snacks were inside. The bartender turned mean and yelled for him to stop, then added, “Nous nous foutons de vous les etrangers!” (“We don’t give a f… about you foreigners!”) Purely by inspiration, I shouted back, “Sans nos peres, vous parleriez l’allemand!” (“Without our fathers you’d be speaking German.”) We left feeling quite pleased with the incident, and my French friends have always liked the story, because the bartender was a type they recognized and of course opposed, personally and politically.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Jerry C., <colburnj@sprynet.com>, Laguna Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
Being a Canadian who has lived in the United Kingdom, and whose sister-in-law is from Bordeaux, my experiences tell me it is not only the French who dislike Americans. You see it everywhere. There is a stereotype about Americans that they are arrogant (a stereotype perpetuated by a select few on their trips there). Indeed, I have heard from American students travelling there who put Maple Leafs on their bags so that people assumed they were Canadian (who have the stereotype of being polite). The first time I was in Paris, I was in a store where a couple, in their Texas drawl, were demanding to be talked to in English – and they were quite rude about it. The employees were insulting them in French. The couple left, and we, in our stammering French, tried to ask for help, and the employee turned around and simply spoke to us in English. The impression I had was that as the American couple did not even make the attempt to learn a few phrases in French, that they were treated with the same disregard they showed.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Richard K. <farmer@urbancow.com>, Edmonton, Alberta

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I was born and raised Cajun in South Louisiana. I have a very strong French family history. My father’s family’s first language was French – his father never did speak English. My maternal grandparents spoke French, but they did not pass this on to my mother’s generation. I was exposed to the French language, but by no means am fluent. I know few words. Before my visit to France, I made an attempt to learn vital phrases so I could try to speak their language. While there, I spoke as much French as I could (not much). I never went into a shop or restaurant speaking English, as though they should speak my language. I always greeted others in French. They could usually tell I was not French and would ask, “Do you speak French ?” I would answer, in French, “A very little bit.” In most cases, the person would then begin speaking in English, grateful that I had tried to conform to their ways. I found the French to be very friendly and courteous – from janitors in Metro stations to clerks at prestigious department stores. Just as if you worked in a store in New York City and someone walked in speaking French and expecting you to understand them perfectly, they are understandably “put-out” when we do the same to them.
POSTED AUG. 10, 1998
N. Arceneaux, 30, Cajun <nan@danan.com>, Lawrenceville, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
In general, Europeans tend to be more cognizant of multi-cultural and regional issues than Americans, who are generally not as exposed to them. I have seen the indifference with which Americans treat others when abroad. They often seem not to understand “why everyone doesn’t understand English,” so they talk louder and slower. I feel that it is this “divine right” attitude of many Americans abroad that the French generally respond to. In French, the phrase “vous etes americain,” meaning “You’re American!”, is used in a derisive or insulting way to imply insensitivity, unreasonable excess or impudence. The French are different, but so are the Germans, the Italians, the Polish, the Mexicans, etc. Being different doen’t make them wrong any more than it makes us right. Those who make attempts to embrace the culture, learn a little about the people and are sincere, will find themselves warmly welcomed. When in Rome . . .
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Mark G., white male <mgwerks@bigfoot.com>, San Antonio, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 17:
I have traveled in France on three occasions and have been treated extraordinarily well, both in Paris and in smaller cities and towns. Although I do not speak the language very well, I found that any attempt to communicate in French, even if it was just a simple greeting, invariably brought a polite and friendly response (often in English). Even at home in Canada, where French-English relations are very strained, I have encountered few problems. It is my experience that the people of every nation appreciate it when visitors respect and acknowledge their native culture, language and sovereignty. Perhaps the tourists who have the most problems with “rude foreigners” are those who have forgotten to be polite guests.
POSTED NOV. 13, 1998
Patricia M., 41, Regina, Saskatchewan,Canada
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THE QUESTION:
R298: Is it true that Asian people with almond-shaped eyes have a harder time seeing? It appears to me that many of them wear glasses.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Tiana S. <FuzyWuzzy5@aol.com>, Northridge, CA

ANSWER 1:
Contact lenses may have picked up with Asian Americans, but not necessarily Asian nationals. There are probably just as many nearsighted whites as Asians, but more whites wear contacts, so you never notice it. Also, the Asian culture does not take wearing glasses as cosmetically negative. There is no “nerd” complex with wearing glasses in my culture. If you look at it that way, you’ll realize that Asians wear glasses more often, but not because they’re “different” or have a harder time seeing.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
David L., Chinese-American, Chicago, IL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am Asian with almond-shaped eyes, and I can see pretty well, though I do wear glasses. Remember, we see through our pupils and so need only enough space to allow light, not necessarily field of view. I have heard the Asian stereotype about glasses and bucked teeth, but I have straight teeth and never had braces. I always feel self-conscious about carrying a camera around my neck, though. 😉 I believe it is an exception for any human not to have corrective eyewear. Of all my non-Asian friends, all have or should have glasses. My friends without glasses don’t see as well as I do with glasses.
POSTED JUNE 17, 1998
Todd H., 37, Japanese American <thoida@cisco.com>, Fountain Valley, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Many Asians wear glasses, but on closer examination, it’s those folks who have gone through the more intense education systems who tend to end up wearing glasses (Japan and Korea, for example). On the other hand, my Japanese wife doesn’t wear glasses, while I have to.
Ron G. <goze@webgalaxy.com>, Encinitas, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Ask yourself: Why do a lot of white people with brown hair need braces for their teeth? In other words, there’s no connection. The most probable reason for why a lot of Asians need glasses is because they study so hard and their eyes go bad. Either that or they watch a disproportionate amount of TV. Take your pick.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Ray, 24, Asian <yangban@erols.com>, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
In my case, it’s genetic. Both my parents have bad eyes, and neither went to college. My sister and I both had our eyes go bad around third grade. I hate studying. So does my sister. In college, I rarely studied for more than three hours in a week. My mind was more focused on music, so reading sheet music may have contributed.
POSTED AUG. 12, 1998
Jerome, 25, Japanese-American, Clinton Township, MI
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THE QUESTION:
R297: Why do some black people have thick lips while others do not? Was this some kind of genetic adaptation?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
L. Samsom <Wiedo@nettally.com>, Quincy, FL

ANSWER 1:
No, it’s just a reflection of the diversity present within certain ethnic groups, as well as within this country.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Elliott, 44, black, franrod@wavenet.com, Los Angeles, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R296: I have always heard that black people are extremely family-oriented and especially nurturing toward their children. However, I have noticed that black mothers seem to react in a violent manner toward their children for the slightest misbehaviors. These particular mothers seem to think nothing of hauling off and slapping their children. Why this incongruity?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Lissa S. <lissa@aol.com>, Havana, FL

ANSWER 1:
I work in a junior college in the Stockton, Calif., area. I am in charge of 2,500 disadvantaged (both economically and educationally) students. I would say more than half the parents are black, single, head-of-household parents. I have noticed that the black mothers seem to correct, scold, yell, etc. more at their children than the other mothers (Southeast Asian, Spanish, Latino, white, etc.). We have a lot of mothers of all races come into our office, and I have one strict rule, no yelling at the kids. I’ve noticed an increase, unfortunately, with the black mothers. I’m afraid to admit it, but unfortunately in San Joaquin County they are usually on the bottom of the AFDC award list when it comes to financial aid, scholarships, cash awards and the like. They are frustrated and angry, and I can’t blame them.

But when you sit back and watch these mothers as I have, they show more love and compassion (yes, even when being overly strict) than I ever see the “white mothers” show. They just seem to ignore their kids. The Asian children seem to be afraid (almost like they are always in submission), and I havn’t figured out the Latino mothers yet. But I can honestly say that of the black mothers I have dealt with, they have had to be mother, father and grandparents in a society that really doesn’t care about them. I think it has to do with the fact they want their kids to act better in public than the rest.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1996
Kristy, Manteca, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I hope you are not lumping all black mothers into this scenario. I am a black mother of two sons, and I don’t believe in slapping any child, but I do believe in spanking. Discipline is missing in our society today, and that is one of the reasons our children are running wild. I don’t know what to tell you about why black people are more nurturing and family-oriented, as you say. I only know that my family is the most important thing in the world to me. Maybe one reason is that black women nurtured and basically raised white children during slavery and afterward so that the master’s wife could do other things. I don’t know.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
BlackCherrie, blackcherrie@yahoo.com, Jacksonville, FL
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THE QUESTION:
R295: Are many black Americans able to trace their ancestry back to descendants who were held in slavery?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
C. Fuhrman, 25, white <cfuhrman@gencom.net>, Tallahassee, FL

ANSWER 1:
It is very difficult for the descendents of slaves to trace their ancestry because a) records of slave owners about their slaves were destroyed, or b) no records were kept about the slaves one owned. Stories such as Alex Haley’sRoots are very rare and admirable, because he was lucky enough to find records of his ancestors. Many of us aren’t so lucky.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Kara, African American, Japan

FURTHER NOTICE:
Yes, blacks can trace their history back to slavery and before then, acknowledging their origin in Africa. Classes/seminars are or used to be offered at the National Archives in Washington, D.C., because my mom and I were interested in our history.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
T. Spen, black female <ts1nzinga@aol.com>, Largo, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Slavery ended 143 years ago, which isn’t such a long time – only six or seven generations. I can trace a few family members to slavery in South Carolina and Jamaica.
POSTED JUNE 18, 1998
Andrew W., 22, black, Davis, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R294: Why do many young white girls (12 to 17) act “black”? I see girls every day who try to imitate mannerisms and language of the uneducated sector of the black community. Their slang and laziness of vocabulary is insulting, not only to me as a white woman, but to educated, intelligent black friends of mine who don’t understand.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
April, 24, white female, Tallahassee, FL

ANSWER 1:
First, understand that your “educated intelligent black friends” are peeing on your shoes and telling you it’s raining. They are hardly insulted by a culture very familiar to them. Rather, they hide their relativity to gain your acceptance. Sounds like they’re pretty good at it. The white girls you speak of are probably doing this out of admiration for the unique quality of black colloquialisms. Try to understand that there is nothing lazy about this type of language usage. It’s just another way we Americans manipulate and therefore help evolve the English language.
POSTED MAY 29, 1998
Elliott, 44, black, franrod@wavenet.com, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
How can you determine whether this part of the black community they try to imitate is “uneducated”? I know many intelligent African Americans who speak the way these girls may be trying to imitate. I am not sure I would necessarily call it “slang.” Words like “jazz” and “OK” have certainly made it into mainstream America. Maybe it’s just different to you.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Kara, African American, Japan

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
People, particularly children, tend to mimic the culture around them. In this instance it is what they see on prime time television: A fun, upbeat, stylish patois with all the connotations of poverty, poor education and “low class” laundered out. Years ago, we had Flip Wilson’s “The devil made me do it!”, except we said, “Da debbil may me do it!” Then came the ubiquitous “Say baby, whass-a-happen-in!” Today, every 3- and 4-year-old in America can give the “high sign.” Also, our black cultural icons (comedy, sports, music, television and movie stars) are often seen in roles using these speech mannerisms. Much of this is very, very humorous and very, very appealing. (Think: Eddie Murphy.) It is a natural thing to emulate when in casual situations with one’s peers. It’s a way of having fun, being “cool” and expanding one’s identity.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Sue B., Camarillo, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To Elliot: Your statement is based on an assumption that makes me and a lot of other black people crazy: That we all think alike. It may be true that many white girls act “black” out of admiration or a desire to be accepted by the people in their environment, white and black. However, as a black woman, I happen to find this form of slang insulting. Wait, I’m wrong, it isn’t the slang itself that bothers me. It bothers me when people are incapable of using proper English (yes, there is such a thing). It bothers me that a lot of the kids I know who use this slang have limited themselves to a world of rap music and droopy pants. It bothers me that adults who should know better are telling them this is right and proper. When I look at and listen to these kids, it bothers me to know they will not be comfortable in the world of suits and business lunches. It bothers me that the rest of the world may leave them behind because too many people seem to be falling over themselves to make them feel good about where they are right now, instead of helping them to grow.
POSTED JUNE 15, 1998
Maya, 23, Black <mayajs@aol.com>, Fairfield, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I disagree with Elliot. This behavior is not indicative of black society, and it does not ring with familiarity for those who are educated. The reason for the actions is that it makes these teen girls feel more familiar with those who they surround themselves with – the uneducated, the ones who are not attempting to mingle with the upper classes of blacks. It’s a choice they make, and it’s a part of growing up.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
This behavior is not limited to teenage girls. I think it is more common in young boys. It is another way teenagers act rebellious to get attention. They think it makes them seem tough or streetwise.
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Chris P., 32, white male, Chino Hills, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I find it interesting that Elliot “knows” what black women are thinking, i.e. he knows they are “peeing on your shoes.” How can he know these woman are familiar with the black lingo, or that they aren’t turned off by it and are lying to their white friend? As for the teenage girls, they could be speaking out of admiration, out of a desire to annoy their parents or because they were raised in that culture.
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Robie, lesbian, multi-ethnic, Ithaca, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
To Elliott: Why is it that cultural differences disallow the questioner from believing her friends, yet these same cultural differences don’t restrict your ability to speculate on the actions of the white children in question?
POSTED JUNE 25, 1998
Chris P. <cedesigns@earthlinnk.net>, Chino Hills, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I am a 23-year-old black female and can honestly say I have never succumbed to the use of such slang. I was surrounded by it at school but never by my parents or family. I have never understood a word of it. Don’t believe a word of what Elliott (above) he says. I’m not saying it’s not a part of black culture, but I am saying that not all blacks are familiar with it.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Kala, 23, black, Alexandria, VA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Why do kids do anything? To “validate their individuality,” try something different, possibly just to irritate their parents or for some other reason. I would just them. Whatever the reason, the practice will pass.
POSTED OCT. 30, 1998
L.W., 50, white male <woody141@hotmail.com>, Los Angeles, CA
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THE QUESTION:
R293: Although there seems to have been a noticeable increase in the number of white male/black female relationships in the United States, why do white men still appear to be reluctant to initiate relationships with black women?
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
V.B., black (mixed) female <Alexis5692@aol.com>, Miami, FL

ANSWER 1:
I am a white male and have never dated a black woman. I have been attracted to black women many times, but have never come across one interested in dating me. Perhaps I’m wrong, but I’ve always gotten the impression there are a lot of black men who like white women, but that most black women are opposed to interracial relationships. Spike Lee, for instance, has noted that white audiences had no problem watching Denzel Washington kiss white actress Milla Jovavich in his latest movie, but black women were outraged by it. Again, I shouldn’t over-generalize, but my sense has always been that most black women want a black man.
POSTED JUNE 19, 1998
Astorian <astorian@aol.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’m black-mixed and have also noticed that black women want only black men. I think it’s because they and black men have struggled through slavery and civil rights, so they feel that to “step out” on their men would be a slap in the face after all they have been through together. That is funny, because black men obviously do not feel the same. Black women need not limit themselves to black males, because (as I know) great men come in all colors.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Sylena, 20, multi-racial, Randolph, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
It’s not that most black women want a black man; I think it’s about fear and safety. Many black women feel society might see them as being prostitutes if they’re out with a white man (I’ve never had that problem). Also, many black women may be afraid of the disapproval of their friends, and so they may feel safer with a black man. Another issue could be that black women are afraid a white man might see them as being lower than they. That’s not my feeling, but I’ve heard some black women say that.
POSTED OCT. 23, 1998
Lucy, black female, Bronx, NY
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THE QUESTION:
R292: Why does it seem that many blacks speak clearly and with correct English when talking one-on-one with whites, but when speaking one-on-one with other blacks use words and phrases that, in most instances, cannot be understood by whites?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
M. Johnson, Wewahitchka, FL

ANSWER 1:
It’s all a matter of perspective and comfort level. From the perspective of blacks, we feel we’re speaking correct English when using words and phrases readily understood by our peers. I believe Louisiana Cajuns struggle with this, too. Since many “blackspeak” words never make it to the white lexicon, we will adopt the mainstream language when around whites in order to “fit in” to the culture that rules. Eventually, some words are adopted and become “correct English,” such as “ain’t,” which was recently added to, I believe, the American Heritage Dictionary, as in, “Waas dope fa you ain’t always up fa us” and vice versa!
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Elliott, 44, black, franrod@wavenet.com, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
Blacks are speaking “clearly and correct” … to each other. A lot of blacks in America are essentially “bilingual,” depending on the circumstances. Some are privy to the “jive” or “urban street” dialect of English, and some are not. Some were raised with the Southern dialect of English (a lot of white Southerners speak in the same fashion). Blacks speak to each other in a dialect derivative of the community in which they were reared. A lot of Southern slang terms or words have been preserved from slavery times, when blacks did not have access to dictionaries, and it was against the law to teach blacks to read or learn “proper” English. Therefore, we developed a mixture of African dialects and Southern English learned from slave owners.

In contempory times, blacks have continously created words and slangs to communicate with each other, mainly because language is one of the few dignities that cannot be taken from a person. This is one reason rap music is thriving; many young urban blacks communicate with each other in this fashion. When we are in our own homes and environs, the language we speak is one we have created for ourselves. One of the better books on the subject is by Geneva Smitherman, titled Black Talk: Words and Phrases from the Hood to the Amen Corner.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Mark A. black, 39, mrkinla@ucla.edu, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
All of us target our communications toward their recipients, and signals of a common culture or background can create a bond between people. I can also speak clearly and with correct English, but it is nonetheless a pleasure and relief to relax into my native Southern drawl when speaking to another Southerner.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
A. Morgan, 33, white, Houston

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I believe a lot of black English is maintained through ignorance and lack of English training/education. I’m black and do not use any form of ebonics unless I am making fun of the sub-language. Speaking and being understood is important, no matter the situation. Also, speaking intelligently at all times is a form of self-respect. If the other party feels uncomfortable or insulted because you are speaking proper, intelligent English, that is someone you do not need in your life. Not all blacks speak in the manner you described.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
John, black, San Francisco

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I’m certain white people use words and phrases, particularily to one another, that you might not use when speaking to black people. Words like “dude,” “rad,” “bitchin'” and many others not used in my community. If you can answer why you all do that, you can also answer why we do it.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Janet W., black, Capitol Heights, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
It isn’t just black Americans who do this. I come from a blue-collar neighborhood in New York City. I went to an intellectual high school and an Ivy League college, so I’m well-educated and know how to speak “properly,” and how to bury my New Yawk accent. But when I’m at home with family and friends, I relax and lower my guard. I say “ain’t” and “Lawn Gisland” just like everybody else in the neighborhood. Even an educated person likes to relax and let his hair down at times, and what’s wrong with that? I remember, a few years ago, when Jesse Jackson was running for President, he got into trouble when, late at night on the campaign bus, he joked, “Are the white people all gone? Good, let’s talk black now!” I don’t like Jesse Jackson, but I could understand how he felt – all day long, he had to wear a suit and speak articulately, and try to convey a certain appearance. But like everybody, when the day is done, he just wants to relax and be himself. What’s wrong with that?
POSTED JUNE 19, 1998
Astorian <astorian@aol.com>, Austin, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I disagree with John. There is no direct correlation between intelligence and language. In other words, just because a person speaks “proper” English doesn’t mean they are more intelligent than a person who speaks “Ebonics.” This is the primary reason many minority children (who sometimes perform better on standardized tests than their majority counterparts) are unduly relegated to special education classes. You also mention that “speaking and being understood is important, no matter the situation.” Well, what if the situation is that I am speaking with my “homeys” and their standard English vocabulary may not be as robust as my own? Would I not then have to speak in a manner most effective in communicating my thoughts and feelings, even if it is in a “sub-language,” as you call it? To think of it another way, replace standard English with French and Ebonics with German. Is the German person less intelligent for not being able to speak fluent French?
M.T., 27, black male, Durham, NC
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THE QUESTION:
R291: Why does it seem that many younger blacks have little respect for whites, when older blacks, who lived through segregation, are completely different in this regard?
POSTED MAY 26, 1998
Herb C., 69, Lehigh Acres, FL

ANSWER 1:
Younger blacks have no memory of legislated oppression. Logically speaking, they have no reason to fear or admire whites, so therefore, no cause to pay any respect.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
Elliott, 44, black, franrod@wavenet.com, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think it’s safe to say that some younger blacks, just as younger people of almost any ethnic group, tend to have little respect for anyone, including themselves. Just look at their videos or listen to their music. They are who and what we adults have created.
POSTED JUNE 10, 1998
V.B., 41, black female, Miami, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Older black people have lived throught segregation and racism, younger black people are just getting a taste of it and don’t like it, but who does? They have the right to be angry with white people but by being angry with all white people, they are no better than the people who picked on them because of their race.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
L.C., 15, white male, lord_chaos_1@hotmail.com, VT

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I confess to an intial knee-jerk reaction to your question because I was wondering if you felt you deserved respect from blacks because you were white, or older, or both. Younger blacks probably don’t “respect” white people because we have less to fear. Blacks who grew up in segregated times lived with the very real threat of beatings, incarceration and death at the hands of whites for minor infractions that would be absurd today (for example, making too much eye contact or saying too many words to a white person, especially a white woman).

After the civil rights movement, black people evolved more of a sense of self-awareness, political power and a bit of rebelliousness (which is not limited to young blacks), as well as resentment at what some blacks feel is a lopsided economic and social structure. However, your question is very broad. Could you 1) Give a specific instance where you felt you were disrespected by a young black person? 2) Describe how you feel an older black person might have reacted?, and 3) Discuss why you feel you deserved better? I would like to know the circumstance.

For the record, many blacks your age have the same attitude about younger folks regarding the lack of respect they seem to have for elders. It could simply be a generational problem, not a racial one.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
Mark A., 39, black, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I believe blacks over 50 repect and value themselves far more than blacks 35 and under. Blacks who lived during the Jim Crow years had to pull together to overcome the ills of this society. Blacks who were qualified for a scientific or political post were denied them because of the color of their skin. But in this post ’60s liberal, hippie, socialist era we live in, anything goes, so everything does. Inner-city blacks don’t mind the poverty they live in, or the gangs that hold cities hostage. Mediocrity is accepted in the black community (if it were not accepted or tolerated, you would not see it. Plain and simple). I will never let drug/gangstas move into my neighborhood. I would rather die than live under black or white oppression. Spoiling the child has led to nothing but havoc in white and black neighborhoods.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
John, 31, black, San Francisco

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
Although I am not old enough to have lived through segregation, I feel that the “respect” that you think comes from older blacks is actually fear. During slavery and segregation, most blacks were taught through their parents, whites and society that whites were better and deserved more respect than blacks. And actions like not giving any eye contact, calling whites “sir” and “madam” (no matter their ages), and doing whatever whites told them to do are not examples of respect, but something taught to make whites feel superior to blacks. And yes, there are young blacks who do still respect older Americans regardless of race, position or power. Please do not judge us (the young and black) from the few bad examples you may have encountered.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Cheryl B, 22, African-American female, CherylB4U@AOL.COM, Memphis, TN

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I think this is because older blacks are afraid of whites and the younger ones aren’t. Older blacks have been put in the place of feeling inferior – which translates into respect. Younger blacks know they are equal to whites, which translates into what you perceive as less respect. Do you feel the older or younger blacks need to have respect for whites in general? What about older whites having respect for older and/or younger blacks? For that matter, what about younger whites having respect for older whites?
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Gordon D., Vancouver, B.C., Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I think that blacks who lived through segregation were not showing “respect” for whites but fear of what whites would do to them if they didn’t behave a certain way toward them. You are an elderly man, and I would treat you the same way I would treat my grandfather based on age, not race. I have just as much respect for anyone who respects me. I am young, and I don’t think you mean respect in the same way I do. What you are talking about sounds like a patronizing, bow-and- scrape type of behavior. Young blacks don’t have to kiss up because it is not necessary anymore. Blacks in the past didn’t really have any certain respect for whites because they were white. They let you think that in order to keep the peace for themselves. Everything is not always what it seems. It is always easier to let a person think they are in charge, even if they are not. For reference read We Wear the Maskby Paul Lawrance Dunbar. It talks about how blacks fool whites into seeing what they want to see. It was written just after the end of slavery, therefore I would think that blacks have felt that same way about whites for some time.
POSTED JUNE 14, 1998
Carmela 29, black <pecola@hotmail.com>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
I think you’re mistaking fear for respect. My first incounter with segregation was in the early 1950s in Mississippi. I was 10, and was told by the local blacks, “Ya always say y’sus to de white man.” In Canton, I failed to answer a white man in that fashion, and was beaten on the main street. I treat everyone who deserves it with respect, but I’ve never forgotten that beating.
POSTED JUNE 16, 1998
Eric, black, N.H.

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Older blacks fearing whites has nothing to do with the modern day problem of blacks not respecting themselves or anyone else. I’m black and I don’t fear whites. I also respect whites who are worthy of respect, and the same goes for blacks. Let me tell you about a conversation I had with my grandparents, who were from Louisville, KY. My grandfather was a Southern Baptist preacher – the Rev. E.B. Dunbar. I spoke with him about the South and black life when he was growing up, and to contrast it with the black community of today. He and my grandmother without hesitation said the black community of then was by far better, more wholesome, more religious, more supportive than that of modern day black communities – even with Jim Crow laws in effect. Modern day blacks for the most part are political pawns, who suffer because of this. While the media and Washington argue over who will be their savior, the community is in spiraling decay
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Jonathan D., 31, black <blackfu2@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
If I could identify a group of people who are consistently polite, even-tempered and just plain pleasant to be around, it would be middle-aged black people who are close to their roots in the South. They grew up in a horrible situation, where they survived by being obedient and patient, and by staying close to their families and churches. So now these people see a better world (most of the time) than they grew up in, and they appreciate it – “Times are good, at last – thank you Lord.” What I feel is that people like this “radiate goodwill.” It’s not servility. As for the younger folks, they face a tough world in a very different way. To say they “don’t respect whites” is missing the point; on the street, you don’t give respect, you take it. I’ve sometimes seen older black people just shake their heads. Weren’t things supposed to get better?
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
John, 47, white, immigrant, Boston, MA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Young African Americans do not respect whites, nor do they respect older African Americans. One reason is that their parents bought into the ’60s philosophy and abandoned their culture. They mistakenly thought white society had turned the corner and was headed toward a fair and just society. Being uniquely positioned in history (perhaps because of slavery), we can see through the various schemes the government (dominated by white politicians) uses to subvert and neutralize us. I am 58, work in the defense industry and still face discrimination. I do not let racial injustices pass, but there are only so many battles you can wage. I feel the solution is for white society to return to its religious roots. I have been blessed with the ability to distinguish whites who are fair from those who mean blacks no good. The Bible has the blueprint for us.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Ed H., 58, African American <harrier1@jhuapl.edu>, Columbus, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
I live in Newark, N.J., and see the worst part of society every day I walk outside my house. Respect has little to do with color or ethnicity; it has to do with social surroundings and what people were taught was acceptable behavior. I would say the older generations were taught by their elders, and what you are seeing is a breakdown of the families and a concentration of socioeconomic groups (i.e. public housing projects) that has resulted in reinforcement of some very nasty habits. If these populations had not been concentrated so heavily, I think you would have seen much better manners. Incidentally, I get the worst disrespect from white trash, not blacks.
POSTED JULY 1, 1998
Dave, 27, white <imp@intercall.com>, Newark, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
“You must first be able to love yourself before you can love another.” These are words of wisdom we’ve all heard at one time or another. It might follow that “You must first be able to respect yourself before you can respect another.” I believe black Americans need, perhaps more than anything else, respect. Not from other American cultures just yet, but from their own communities. It’s almost impossible to find a response from a black American that doesn’t make some reference to the agonies and oppression they or their anscestors have endured. But anger and frustration come from these memories, not respect. Respect can only come from the accomplishments of the individuals who have the courage to overcome the obstacles that life puts before all of us.

Dr. King may have meant when he said “we shall overcome” that the black community will overcome the sometimes unbearable demands of life, not just the cruelty of people who have no better purpose to their lives. Build respect in your own hearts and communities by overcoming all that works so hard to defeat you. The rest of America is doing the same – but don’t judge your progress by what they do, judge it by what you feel inside – respect for yourselves and your people. With this, you’ll find your freedom. Everything else is of no consequence.
POSTED AUG. 14, 1998
Hugh S., 48, white, Sanford , NC

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
I think younger blacks act disrespectful because whites do it to them, without even realizing it. And they still hold a grudge against them for what happened in the past. Older blacks may not act disrespectful in front of them, but that doesn’t mean they don’t talk about them when they are away, which whites might do to them as well.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Stefanie A., 17, black female <stefanie_17@hotmail.com>, Seattle, WA
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