Gender Questions 71-80

THE QUESTION:
GE80: Why is it that sometimes it seems that the worse a man treats a woman, the more she will stick with that man, but if a man treats a women like a queen, she will lose interest in that person? I know that sometimes it may be for financial reasons, and I know people like this, but I cannot understand why anyone would stay in a relationship if they are always fighting and they talk bad about each other.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jay, 28, single white straight male, Houston, TX

ANSWER 1:
Here’s the quick version:1) Some people are drawn to jerks and losers. You can say it came from a bad family life, or maybe being drawn to those who would hurt, but it does go on. 2) People like the excitement in relationships that comes with someone who always creates a challenge. Yea , it’s pretty silly when you view it objectively, but it still is common. 3) There are many who think a decent woman can turn any man around, and also that she should support her man. 4) Many folks don’t know they have the right to say “no thanks” to those guys. They think they have to make do with whoever comes their way. 5) Few people ever draw up a list of qualities they want and then compare that to the person they are seeing or use that list when looking for a date. Have you drawn up your list so you can immediately recognize a woman who doesn’t appreciate how considerate you are so that you can dump her and scream “next”? If not, do so and you’ll be shocked at the gals who will be lining up to meet you. You could also look for a woman at the kind of places where appreciative gals are found. Bars, clubs, taverns and street corners are usually not ideal. Church, temple, civic clubs, hobby clubs and sporting events might bring you to a more appreciative group.
POSTED DEC. 27, 1998
Anne, female, North, FL
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THE QUESTION:
GE79: Why do I hear so many women (especially those having them for the first time) describe pelvic examinations in a negative light? I have a shy friend who was depressed for two days after her first one. Why?
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
L. Hills <lhills@yahoo.com>, Trenton, NJ

ANSWER 1:
As a 39-year-old woman, I’ve had pelvic examinations ever year since I was 18. Ninety five percent of the time there was discomfort or downright pain. That was with a male physician. I even went to different physicians over the years, and invariably male phyicians were oblivious to the pain and discomfort they were causing. Not to mention the emotional distress feeling humiliated by having your feet up in stirrups. I went to a female physician for several years, not just for pelvic exams, and she was the best doctor I ever went to (unfortunately I moved out of the state). The pelvic exams were done before I was even aware she had started! There was no discomfort at all. And her “bedside manner” was also very good. After speaking to other female friends about this topic, the consensus is that female gynecologists are much better at allaying fears, and they have a “gentler touch.” I think you should recommend to your friend that she go to a female gynecologist the next time she needs to have a pelvic exam.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jane F., female, 39, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Even assuming that your friend had a wonderful, personable physician with warm bedside manner and gentle technique who volunteered information about what and why he/she was doing during the exam (a real long shot), two reasons appear inherent in your question: Fear of the unknown of any first-time procedure (particularly for something that is generally uncomfortable at best and painful at worst), and shyness. Many women are taught to be modest about their private parts, while others have sadly been indoctrinated to believe that they are ugly, smelly or “bad,” engendering feelings of shame. Unlike boys who commonly use public urinals and shower in gym together, young women are more likely to have rarely (perhaps never) had their genitals publicly exposed since becoming old enough to wash themselves without parental help.

Try to imagine being a teenager lying flat on your back with your feet up in stirrups and your butt hanging out on the edge of a table with a bright light shining down between your legs while a doctor slides something in whatever orifices you have. Not exactly the highlight of anyone’s day! Now try to imagine a condescending comment and pain from having your insides scraped, and you’ll have a good idea of a common female pelvic exam experience. If you don’t have to go back to work or school immediately, you go home and lie down until the bleeding and cramping stop. In a few days they send you a bill. Get the picture now?
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
DykeOnByke, lesbian mother <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Dearborn, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There are many ways in which a doctor may be insensitive, or for a pelvic exam may be a negative experience. Some possible examples include: Answering uncomfortable questions about one’s sexual history; being touched in private places (especially for women who have had limited sexual experience, or bad sexual experiences, or are uncomfortable for other personal reasons); doctors who use a speculum that is too large, too cold or incorrectly inserted (speculums are instruments inserted into the vagina); taking one’s clothes off; body image and being looked at (breast exams often include a visual examination), not knowing why you are being touched in a certain way (doctors often don’t explain ahead what they are doing or why, so patients are left wondering, Is this a sexual or medical act?): not knowing what’s going on (many doctors do not allow the patient to sit up and give her a mirror so she can follow the exam).

Depending on how thorough the exam is, it may include: A visual breast exam, a physical breast exam, a speculum exam, a bi-manual (which involves inserting a gloved finger in the vagina) and a recto-vaginal (involves inserting a gloved finger in the rectum). As with any doctor’s visit, there is also fear of discovering illness, plus issues concerning sexually transmitted diseases. There is also the ever-popular move-down-to-the-end-of-the-table humiliation, which usually involves a doctor sitting on a stool between your spread-open legs and saying “move closer.. closer.. closer.. closer.. OK, now back up.. no closer…” (No, this is not someone trying to park in a tight spot, this is actually what happens on a gynecologist’s table.)

Those are just a few examples of things that can make women uncomfortable in the course of an ordinary exam. Of course, some women have doctors who are flagrantly offensive or unethical (I had a friend whose doctor kissed her on the shoulder after an exam, and I’ve heard worse than that, too.) If a woman has a good doctor who is informed and professional, a gynecologist’s visit can be a positive experience in which she is able to take charge of her health and learn about her body and health.
POSTED SEPT. 29, 1998
Jessica N, female, 26, former teacher of breast and pelvic exams at medical schools, <jessica@pioneeris.net>, NY, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
A pelvic exam involves insertion of a speculum and fingers into a woman’s vagina, and usually insertion of fingers into the anus. Both of these are considered by most (if not all) women to be very private places; this is true whether or not they’ve been sexually active already. For this reason, a pelvic exam, especially the first few times, is an invasion of privacy. I still actively dislike them for this reason. (I am 38, with two children.) Also, sometimes the doctor doing the exam is not as sensitive as would be ideal. I mean this both physically (if you’re not physically aroused, having something inserted into your vagina is not comfortable), and emotionally (I once had a doctor who made remarks about my body during the pelvic exam. Needless to say, I changed physicians.)
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Janon, 38, mother of two <janon_rogers@hp.com>, Lebanon, OR

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
It is difficult for many women to disassociate their genitalia from sexuality. Because the doctor is not who you would choose to have a sexual relationship with, the examination may feel like something similar to rape. A good physician, male or female, understands this and takes measures to prevent it from being a negative experience. The doctor should tell the woman everything he is going to do before he does it, verbally guiding her through each step of the way, so that each touch is unrushed and expected. In my experience, female doctors are the worst offenders. It appears they feel that since they are female, the intrusion will not seem sexual, so they can just dive in. One female ob gyn I saw asked me, after she tried to insert her fingers without warning, “How can you even have sex when you clamp down like that?” I had my charts transfered that afternoon. Women should ask around for recommendations, and then on the first visit ask to talk to the doctor. Explain your feelings and ask how s/he performs the examination. If the doctor will not take the time to discuss this with you, get up and leave. Remember, the doctor works for you. And you have the power and the right to fire him or her.
POSTED OCT. 20, 1998
Gloria M. <LoriaLee@hotmail.com>, Warren, MI
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THE QUESTION:
GE78: Why do women wear fake nails? I have been seeing this for the last few years, first on performers on stage, then on a lot of black women, and now on a lot of white women. The answer I get 95 percent of the time is “because everyone else is wearing them.” Very, very few men like to see them, and they are not attractive. To me, women today are trying to be independent, but they seem to all want to look the same, and if they are not wearing the fake nails, other women seem to put pressure on them to wear them. I would think women would want to show their natural beauty, especially their hands. So why pay so much for something that looks fake?
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
Tony, 43, black male <cinatisoulman@mailexcite.com>, Cincinnati, OH

ANSWER 1:
They wear them because they like them. It seems to be somewhat of a status symbol, too. Moving to the Detroit area from Nebraska, I was pretty surprised to see the number of urban women here who wear long acrylic nails. Numerous shops are dedicated to separating substantial amounts of money from customers in exchange for snazzy painted nails. I suspect a dealer would have quickly starved to death trying to earn a living from that in Nebraska, where plain, hard-working unadorned hands were the norm. My first year here two women with long painted nails with little rhinestones in them played on my softball team. Long nails didn’t seem to impede their softball ability any. They were good players with strong throwing arms. I view acrylic nails as just another type of body adornment, like tattoos, piercing, makeup, hairstyles, etc. Different strokes for different folks. Incidentally, no one has ever suggested that I get false fingernails. Long ago I was told that any lesbian with long nails did not have a current lover. That was a myth, too.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
DykeOnByke, white lesbian with plain short nails <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
A woman’s choice to wear fake fingernails is the same as wearing makeup or visiting a hair salon for a perm, etc. It has nothing to do with being independent, in my opinion. It has more to do with looking nice and taking care of yourself. I wear the nails because I like them, not because a man may not like them, and I feel that you may be generalizing when you say that most men do not like them.
POSTED OCT. 5, 1998
Amy P., 28, single white female, Port St. Lucie, FL
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THE QUESTION:
GE77: To me, a normal man would want to make love to any good-looking woman who makes a pass at him. How and/or why is it different in the case of women? Would women also like to make love to any good-looking man, and if not, why not?
POSTED SEPT. 25, 1998
S. Talwar <snowyt@hotmail.com>, New Delhi, India
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THE QUESTION:
GE76: Why are married men (not all, of course) with attractive/sexual wives choosing cyber-porn and sexual chat rooms over intimate sexual relationships with their wives? I’m struggling with this at home. Responses, please!
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
Married 15 years, white female, San Antonio, TX

ANSWER 1:
Just because a man is married doesn’t automatically mean all of his sexual desires are, or should be, filled by his mate. I have been married 12 years and find the occasional access to porn on the web an interesting and stimulating experience. I would never allow myself to be seen renting porn flicks or buying pornography, if only to prevent having it around a house full of children. Many of the things I have seen I would never want my wife to do nor would I want to participate in such things. I love and respect my wife more than anyone else I have ever known and I would lose all interest in her if she were to lower herself to do the sick things many others seem proud enough to post for all to see. However, as sick and degrading as much of it is, I do find it stimulating. I have found that the visual stimulation enhances our lovemaking experience for me by increasing my level of mental stimulation prior to sex, resulting in a more intense climax. As long as it doesn’t become a dangerous preoccupation, I see web porn as harmless, mental mastUrbation.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
S.W., 35, white male, Pontiac, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Is he choosing cyber-porn over real life interaction, or is he using it in addition? That’s not the same thing. Maybe he’s just looking for a way to spice things up (passion tends to fade over time, they say). If he’s ignoring or neglecting you, then you have a problem and need to tell him how you’re feeling. If he’s just using it as a fantasy supplement, maybe you can sit back and reap the benefits. This is no different from the stereoptypical man in the ’70s with a subscription to Playboy. Sure the tools are slightly more sophisticated, but porn is still porn
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
S.S., unlicensed sex therapist <senorsex1@yahoo.com>

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’ve heard of using the sex sites as arousal tools, but in these instances the arousal usually manifests itself in the bedroom. Those who make the exclusive choice you describe are finding something on the net they are not finding at home. You sound willing and interested, which implies a communication break between you and your husband. As painful, difficult and embarassing as it may be, in your position I’d start looking for a marriage counselor. Good luck.
POSTED SEPT. 24, 1998
Al, 59, male <alarose@ncwc.edu>, Rocky Mount, NC

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
My wife and I have been married 25 years and have three kids (all girls). My wife either goes to bed at 8:30 or falls asleep on the couch. If I do get her awake and amorous she acts as if it was a duty more than a pleasure. I am 47 and more than ever need not only the physical relationship but that reassurance that “I’m still hot.” I don’t do the chats myself, but I find I am drawn to the porn sites trying to fill that void. I can’t help but think that women think we only operate on the physical level. Not so. After 25 years we have feelings invested as well.
POSTED SEPT. 28, 1998
Male, 47, St. Petersburg, Fl
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THE QUESTION:
GE75: I am a 45-year-old woman married to a 29-year-old man. Women and men, please give me your viewpoints on these types of relationships.
POSTED SEPT. 11, 1998
Lynn B. <LANDSLYD5@aol.com>, Lake Villa, IL

ANSWER 1:
I think whatever makes a person happy is OK as long as it is not hurting anyone else, and an age difference in a relationship is hardly detrimental. I do think, however, that society is more accepting of your arrangement as opposed to an older man with a younger woman. I have friends who have a 15-year age difference, with the wife being older, and they are extremely happy. People do, however, ask if they are mother and son as opposed to husband and wife!
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
Britt, 30, straight female, Los Osos, CA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think it’s OK as long as it’s not a relationship built on age, because the relationship will die as soon as the ages change. For example, the older person might leave the younger person to get another younger person. Or the younger person may leave the older person because they are getting too old. But as long as it’s true, then don’t worry about it.
POSTED OCT. 14, 1998
J. Bennett, 21, Jacksonville, FL
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THE QUESTION:
GE74: What happens when you can’t get over your ex-girlfriend? I have been living alone and in love without mine for seven years. I simply don’t want to forget the memories. What now?
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
U.K., 25, white male <itmonkey@rocketmail.com>, Manchester, United Kingdom

ANSWER 1:
There is nothing wrong with you because you feel that way. I split up with my fiancee six and a half years ago, and I still have many fond memories of the relationship, and I often long to have it back. If your feelings are distressing to you, or you feel this situation is preventing you from moving forward with your life – especially if it makes you fearful of a new relationship – please consider consulting a mental-health professional. There is no reason to be ashamed for seeking help.
POSTED DEC. 16, 1998
Steve B., 37, single white male <A1a2201111@aol.com>, Minneapolis, MN
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THE QUESTION:
GE73: To men: What is your opinion of women who have had their breasts enlarged? Are you any less attracted to them if you find out their chest size is “fake”?
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Steph, 18, Lawrenceville, Ga

ANSWER 1:
Steph, I am a 45-year-old white male. I have been with women who have had breast augmentations and those who haven’t. My choice? Go with what God gave you. The size of your breasts has nothing to do with you as a person, lover or friend. Granted, most men will turn their head when a woman who is “stacked” walks in a room. Again, based on my experience, I would rather be with a woman who enjoys lovemaking instead of looking good in a sweater.
POSTED SEPT. 14, 1998
M.O., 45, white male, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am a 26-year-old male who finds large breasts extremely attractive. I cannot help at least glancing at a woman with proportionately large breasts, whether it be at work or anywhere else. However, recently I have noticed a lot more women my age (and especially younger) having breast implants, although their breasts are fine “as is.” What is going on? I figure it must be a self-esteem problem. Would I want my mate to get a boob job? No way. Would I hold it against a potential mate when I found out she got a breast enlargement? Maybe. A woman who is happy with the breasts she has radiates the confidence and self-respect I (and most respectable men) look for in a partner. I like large breasts to look at, but I prefer “real” small to “fake” big for other important reasons.
POSTED SEPT. 23, 1998
Taran6, 26, male <Taran6@Juno.com>, San Diego, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Small ones are nice, too!
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
Budo, white guy <Budo_killer@yahoo.com>, Mililani, HI
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THE QUESTION:
GE72: I’d like to ask women who’ve had breasts implants whether this has changed their lives and if it was worth the money and time put into them. Also, what were your reasons for going under the knife for them?
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Steph, 18, Lawrenceville, Ga
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THE QUESTION:
GE71: When reading everything from fiction to newsprint, it is not unusual to see a man’s success summed up this way: “He had it all. A successful career, a beautiful wife, etc…” My question is, do men mostly care about the way a woman looks? Is this really what they equate with personal success?
POSTED SEPT. 10, 1998
Michell, 31, “pretty” white female, Panama City, FL
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