Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences
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I have to disagree with Kristina’s post. ‘it is nobody’s business what you did in your past.’ and ‘your sexuality is yours and yours alone to deal with.’ If you plan on never having a serious relationship, then perhaps this is more true, but there are always excepts. I agree with most of the other replies that your history does not need to be discussed with casual or new relationships. Only if it seems to be getting more involved should it be brought up. You don’t need to go into all the ‘raw’ details and I would encourage you not to, even if asked by a future boyfriend. Depending on how ‘wild’ you were, it could cause other issues. By the time my wife and I married, we knew the general dating history for each other. Here is another thought. Let’s imaging you get married down the road. By being honest and open, you would not have to suffer alone with dealing with any ramifications from your past lifestyle. For example, I’ve read that some women who have had abortions and then later had children will feel guilt about it. Lastly, wouldn’t you want to know the basic dating history for any guy you get serious with? For example, what if he had a child with someone else and doesn’t tell you? Just think of all the complications that could arise.
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Name : Tom24088, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Presbyterian, Age : 37, City : Lancaster, State : PA, Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,Like you, I spent about 20 years nailing pretty much every cute girl who came my way, and there were literally hundreds, as I played (and still play) in a semi-sucessful rock band. Most of this happened during the ’80s, when the sex was at least somewhat less dangerous than it is these days, or was considered so, at least. I also indulged in most of the other “fun” proffered by that profession: booze, drugs, all-night parties. To be honest, it was a great time and I don’t regret a day of it. When I met the woman who was to become my wife (in a club in which my band was playing) I was completely honest with her about my past, most of which she could have guessed anyway. MORE IMPORTANTLY, she was honest with me about HER past, which was almost as sleazy as my own. We’d both done the party scene to death and were ready for a change. I was happy to have a woman who at least had some understanding of the life I’d lived up till that point. We’ve been married for about 13 years now, and are pretty much your happy little suburbanites; white picket fence, the works. My point is: she trusted me from the start enough to be honest with me. Because of that, I’ve always tried to earn that trust, and I in turn, trust her implicitly. If she had waited to tell me about her past, or if I had found out about it later, I’m not sure I’d feel the same way about her that I do. Hokey, maybe, but honesty really is – in this case at least – the best policy.
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Name : Mike T., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 40s, City : Grand Rapids, State : MI, Country : United States, Occupation : Editor, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Laura, everyone has something or somethings in their past that they are not particularly proud of and have done things that they aren’t sure they should tell their partner. If you find someone and he is ‘the one’, there will be a right time to bring your past up and if he is the man you think he is, he will give you his unconditional love. If his love is unconditional as it should be, he will not fault you for the woman you were, but will love you for the woman you are.
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Name : Linda, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Baptist, Age : 36, City : Peoria, State : IL, Country : United States, Occupation : Paralegal, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,well, speaking as one who has also been around the block once or twice, i see no reason to hide it. though i can’t hardly see how it would come up in conversation. but, somehow it does, for the life of me, i can’t remember how, but i know my significant other of 7 years has slept with 5 women in his lifetime while i have slept with over 100- well over – different men. does it bother him? not in the least. (he may be a bit envious if anything as he feels he wasted many years in a bad marriage but he is not one to begrudge another their luck) further, do you really want a guy that judges you on whether or not you were a ‘bad’ girl? because as you know, there really isn’t any such thing.
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Name : laurie skywalker, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 45, City : las vegas, State : NV, Country : United States, Occupation : gaming, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,How is it that being a meat pocket for 10% of your life is not reflective of who you are? Don’t be ashamed of the sex, but more importantly, no one should shy away from who they are. If you can’t talk about something you’ve done you probably shouldn’t have done it. You’re only alive for so long, so why live a double life. Why would you want to be with anyone who didn’t like you for you? Trust me, when I was between the ages of 18-22, if you wanted to get laid, go to Bmore, towson, UMBC, it was easy and it’s no big secret that it’s filled with sluts who love to have drunken sex.
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Name : Cork, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 26, City : washington, State : DC, Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I don’t think you need to tell right away, but you certainly need to tell someone before marriage. My wife behaved similarly for a while, but didn’t tell me until many years later when I pressed her to explain the reasons she knew, did, or avoided certain things that most people don’t know, do, or avoid. She actively, not passively, deceived me, and her deception – not necessarily the past behavior – will always limit my ability to trust her. Your past is part of you, and mistakes have consequences, but we can and should get past our mistakes. It isn’t wise to deny them to ourselves or to those whom we want to know us intimately.
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Name : Tulate, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 48, City : Philadelphia, State : PA, Country : United States, Occupation : Physician, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,Assuming that you have been tested for STD’s and are disease free, I strongly feel that you should tell before committing to a serious relationship, but you don’t have to tell everyone you date about your past. My wife has a background that sounds very similar to yours – she was the party girl all through high school and college. She says that she slept with so many men that I have trouble comprehending it sometimes (well more than the 20 guys that you mention), and had two abortions and one miscarriage in that time. However, she had enough sense not to tell me about it until we started to get into a serious relationship. Let me first say that she is definitely not that person any longer – at the time she was dealing with a history of child sexual abuse by her uncle. It has taken me a lot of research to realize that her self-destructive behavior during her teens and early 20s was a result of this abuse. Let me just say that this is not who she is now, and it was not who she was when we started dating in our late 20s. All of that said – if she had told me about her history when we first started dating and I didn’t know who she was, I probably would have assumed she was still like that and broken up with her. However, she waited until we both knew each other better, and we just starting to consider making a serious commitment to our relationship. By that time, I knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t the party girl anymore and I could actually count on her being faithful. Also, if she hadn’t told me, I would have probably ended up finding out anyway from someone else (old friends have a way of blurting out things like this when you least expect it).
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Name : Anonymous23693, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 30s, City : Near the beach!, State : SC, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,You say that your past ‘is not reflective of who I really am in any way’ but that simply is not true. ALL of the life experiences we have serve to shape and mold us, some by positive example, some by negative example. If you truly want to be comfortable in a relationship, you have to accept and be comfortable with who you are and everything you have done in your life- if you do not fear the past it cannot hurt you. It appears that you highly value being a ‘good girl’ and perhaps if that belief is one that feels forced, your ‘aberration’ may have been the result of rebellion. You say you are ready for a relationship, but if you are not accepting yourself, how can another accept you? When you are ready to tell yourself the truth, telling the truth to others is easy.
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Name : Stacey-A27916, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 32, City : Yucca Valley, State : CA, Country : United States,Laura, you’ve touched on a a subject that many people find tricky. Having lived ‘the wild life’, you may feel that your new reality is fragile, or that you might lose someone you feel attracted to if they knew about your past. This is a normal reaction, rest assured. When I was in college, I began a relationship with a young lady that did become physical. Through mutual friends I discovered that she also had a ‘past’ that included multiple lovers. She was reluctant to tell me about this, because she truly valued the relationship she had with me. After some time, I gently let her know that I was aware I was not her first partner, and that she was under no pressure to talk about her past. I told her that when she was ready, she would tell me on her own. If you find a ‘significant other’ that you want to develope a serious relationship with, and that person truly cares about you, then the relationship should be able to survive a few ‘revelations’. It’s up to you of course, but consider the impact on the relationship if that person were to find out about your past life via the grapevine and not from your own lips. Just a thought to consider.
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Name : J. McCutcheon, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Lutheran, Age : 50, City : Deerfield, State : IL, Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,If you’re ready for a relationship, you should be ready to be honest and open with your partner. I would want to know how many guys you’ve slept with and if I really loved you, no amount would matter. Although you think it is not reflective of who you really are in any way, it actually is. You should totally be honest and tell a guy the truth, however, timing and presentation is everything.
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Name : bembol roco, Gender : M, Race : Black/African American, Age : 27, City : seattle, State : WA, Country : United States, Occupation : unemployed, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Lower class,The first things you must ask yourself before ‘confessing’ are, why am I compelled to confess, and who will benefit the most from my confession? Generally the reason we confess our secrets is to relieve ourselves from guilt. If you confess out of guilt,then you should expect no less pain than the pain you already feel inside. Don’t open a can of worms to benefit yourself unless your ready to face a lot more than a guilty conscience.
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Name : Leslie Doolittle, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : American Indian, Religion : Native American, Age : 32, City : Durant, State : OK, Country : United States, Occupation : political scientist, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,I honestly think you should tell a guy the truth maybe not right away but whe nyou start to know each other and talk about each others past and stupid things you’ve done this will be just another story. Honestly if he can’t accept your human and that everyone makes mistakes there is no point being with him because honestly even that wild side is still apart of you, you have it under control but it’s still there. So let a guy know the truth plus that’s the best way to start a relationship, he may even love you more because of how well you’ve turned things around.
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Name : Georgina, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian but not exactly, Age : 18, City : Bridgetown, State : NA, Country : Barbados, Occupation : Student, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,Laura, I think honesty is important in any relationship, but I also don’t think it’s important for your boyfriend to know these things about you unless you two are planning to spend the rest of your lives together (i.e., you are engaged). You need to know that the guy loves you for you, and, if he’s the right one, your past shouldn’t matter anyway. And if he’s the right one, you will want him to know about all the things you’ve experienced, I think.
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Name : Misty-B, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 21, City : Tuscaloosa, State : AL, Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 2 Years of College,Why should you be ashamed of your past? You learned from it, didn’t you? It made you who you are today.
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Name : Bas, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 34, City : Amsterdam, State : NA, Country : The Netherlands, Occupation : Designer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,You should not feel that you have to hide your activities from your past. Despite the fact that you no longer behave as you once did, what you did in your past has made you the person you are now. If you are in a loving and caring relationship with someone you can trust, then you should be able to confess to them your past and know that they will be able to accept what you did and that your past has made you the person you are now. I would not recomend coming straight out on the first date and confessing, but once you have established a stable relationship with the person and you both trust each other then there should be no reason not to tell.
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Name : Heather21467, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Methodist, Age : 21, City : Fort Collins, State : CO, Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,
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