Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 90 replies, 91 voices, and was last updated 18 years, 6 months ago by
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- I am an attractive, single 21-year-old girl. Up until the past year or so I had kind of been living 'the wild life'. I was living in a resort area for two years, stopped going to school, got a fake I.D. and went out clubbing/drinking every night. Needless to say I hit 'rock bottom' pretty quickly. I slept with 20 different men and had two abortions during that time. I am a changed woman now. I go to nursing school and work full-time. I am the compassionate, sweet, loyal, 'good girl' that I always was before. I am ready for a relationship but am scared to tell anyone I may become involved with about my past, as it is not reflective of who I really am in any way. Should I be honest and tell a guy the truth, or should I just not mention my aberration?
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Name : Laura22972, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 21, City : Baltimore, State : MD Country : United States, Occupation : hostess, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,The dicision to kiss and tell or not tell requires that you first consider your motive for telling/not telling. A possible motive for your consideration of telling is as a foreplay-type act which you hope would lead to another walk on the wild side. Another possible motive for telling is that you feel you must 'expose' your weakness because you still feel it is very much a potential problem for you IE like alcohol is to an alcoholic. If you really are not interested in more 'walks onthe wild side' then forgive yourself and let go of it. You do not need to carry the guilt. Keep focused on the enjoyable way you are living now and the rewards it brings.User Detail :
Name : Joan30562, City : Daytona, State : FL Country : United States,There is no need to tell a man about this early in a relationship. You shouldn't lie if asked directly, of course, but you also don't need to disclose everything in a relationship. Once you get serious, though, you owe it to him to disclose it. I'd say this should come up sometime between when you feel he cares enough about you to forgive and when you decide to get married.User Detail :
Name : Matt-C21988, Gender : M, Religion : Christian, Age : 26, City : Oxford, State : GA Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Social class : Middle class,Do you really want to be with anyone you can't be totally honest with? Who won't accept all parts of you? None of us do. The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself for any choices you made in the past. Consider how much you've learned and grown and then let go of it. Hanging on to it will serve no purpose, and you are only in control of right now.Then when you find a partner that you have taken the time to get to know, that you trust and who trusts you, take a chance and tell all. If he's a good man, an honest and respectful man, he'll understand. And then you will be able to get even closer to him because you won't have a part of yourself hiding behind a wall hoping to not be seen.
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Name : Faye21779, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 39, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,If you have really changed, then I would suggest you do not tell anyone in the future. Why tarnish that person's view of you? On top of that, you will give that person a reason not to trust you because of the fact that you slept with 20 men. One thing that concerns me because you hadn't mention it is whether you have gotten yourself tested.User Detail :
Name : Cocao, City : Tampa, State : FL Country : United States,First off, you shouldn't feel 'guilty' about having sex. I really hate it how our still-sexist society measures a woman's virtue by how many men she's slept with. If you were a man, you wouldn't be in such a 'dilemma'. In fact, for men, a higher number of partners equates to a greater level of virility and masculinity. Having said that, it is nobody's business what you did in your past. As long as you don't have HIV (which you should get tested for if you haven't already), your sexuality is yours and yours alone to deal with. And if a guy is that chauvinistic that you feel pressured to let him in on your sex life, then he has a problem. A man must love you for you and not how for few men you've been with.User Detail :
Name : Kristina26254, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 23, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : Homemaker, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,At the beginning of a relationship, I don't think you need to bring your whole history up. However, if you meet someone you'd really like to spend the rest of your life with, that would be the time to bring up the past. I feel if you don't talk about it, it will always haunt you.User Detail :
Name : Peg, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Lutheran, Age : 49, City : Orlando, State : FL Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Laura, you know by now that your former lifestyle was not the way to go. It was you THEN, but it is not you NOW. You are in a better place today. All of us have, or will have, that,'What was I thinking'? phase in our lives. When you meet that special someone, be that great woman you are now and let the old Laura be forgotten. That great guy in your future most likely also has his past regrets. Start off new; start off even.User Detail :
Name : Paul T., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 71, City : Jacksonville, State : FL Country : United States, Occupation : retired educator, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,Your past is always reflective of who you are today. Experiences are experiences, good or bad. Whatever you went through before, has changed the way you think now. You dont need to try to hide what happened, but you dont need to volunteer the information. If you decide to hide it, your past may come back to haunt you. When the time comes, you'll be able to tell your significant other what you've learned from your experiences.User Detail :
Name : Sara28319, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 20, City : Wilmington, State : OH Country : United States, Occupation : Student/ Retail, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,' So basically you're saying you were a whore from 18-21 yrs. And on top of that you had two abortions, as if one wasn't enough of a wake up call to use protection. I doubt they were from the same man! Once a whore always a whore...' Sorry for being judgemental, but you asked if you should come clean with your future partner. I say NO!. From reading your post that was the first thing that popped into my head. I don't think there would be a right time to bring it up. Too soon in the relationship and he might think what I thought, later on in the relationship he might get angry for not being honest up front. Some things are best left alone. Besides, do you think he would want you to ask him about his past sexual partners. If you are STD free (as well as him)why bother? I've been with some young ladies that knew and did some moves that left me wondering, but I didn't want to know were they learned it from. Everyone has a past. Leave it in the past.User Detail :
Name : Joe, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Religion : Catholic, Age : 33, City : Los Angeles, State : CA Country : United States, Occupation : Driver, Education level : High School Diploma, Social class : Middle class,Maya Angelou wrote something once that I paraphrase. 'I did then what I knew then. When I knew better, I did better.' It's wonderful to learn from your past, but you don't need to keep beating yourself up about things that you have grown from or out of. Life is about experience, even bad ones. As far as telling anyone about your experiences, go slow and learn about the other person, establish trust.(All those things that you didn't used to do!) USE what you have learned. If someone cannot handle your trusting them with this information, then perhaps they aren't worth your trust in the first place. Your past only defines you if you continue to live in it.User Detail :
Name : Tamara, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Episcopalian, Age : 41, City : Live Oak,, State : FL Country : United States, Occupation : Mom, Education level : Over 4 Years of College,I too lived through a few 'Wild years'. The past is the past. My husband knows about it, it is nothing to be embarrassed about. It is part of who you are, whether it is part of your life now or not. It is ok to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them. Don't be ashamed, and keeping it a secret for too long shows that you are ashamed.User Detail :
Name : Sandra28301, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 40, City : Lake Havasu, State : AZ Country : United States, Occupation : Teacher, Education level : 4 Years of College,For brand new relationships, dazzle with who and what you are NOW. If it gets serious, I think it's important to at least mention that you've had a wild stage. Hiding it will just make you feel guilty since good relationships are based on trust and respect. If you don't trust enough to let them know you weren't perfect from the cradle on, you are not giving them a chance. Plus, if they can't accept you as you are now because of your past, they need to grow up and are not ready for the mature relationship you sound like you're looking for. If one of your previous acquaintances comes up and says 'hi, boy you look good. Wanna screw like old times?' when you're with someone you're serous about. You can hold your head up rather than be flustered because you got caught witholding information from your current SO.User Detail :
Name : Christine32074, City : Portland, State : OR Country : United States,You say the past is not reflective of you in any way. But think about that for a minute: is that really true? Our past mistakes help shape who we are today. You're not proud of your past, but those experiences helped define who you want to be. For example, I would guess that you are a lot more forgiving of someone who is currently experiencing what you went through, no doubt because you went through it yourself. You should be true to yourself and discuss it with your future mate. However, I also don't think you are under any obligation to disclose anything you're uncomfortable with up front. Just give it time. When the right time comes, telling him will just feel right. But remember, a long term relationship (I'm thinking of marriage here) is hard enough without complete honesty. Do yourself a favor and don't erect any artificial barriers.User Detail :
Name : Charlie, City : Omaha, State : NE Country : United States,
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