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DARE TO ASK: For lesbians, is it only all about sex?

By PHILLIP MILANO

Question

My wife is in her 40s and until recently was never approached by lesbians in her workplace. They know she is married with a family, but now they are relentless in pursuing her sexually (she thinks it is rather exciting to be noticed). Not only are extramarital affairs wrong, but breaking up a family for your own ends is even worse. Is the lesbian community all about sex only?

Jack, 41, Lubbock, Texas

Replies

As a rule, no. Yeah, we like sex, but usually it’s about the emotional aspect. This is one of the reasons homosexuality makes more sense to me than straight sex. Women know what women like, and men know what men like.

Dwanny, 51, lesbian, Springtown, Texas

You cannot judge a whole group of people by what some in that group do. My husband has been hit on by black women, white women, younger women and older women. But I still can’t conclude that all women are that way. However, sexual harassment by anyone (lesbian or otherwise) at work is against the law, and your wife needs to report it. Work is no place to be sexually pursued relentlessly.

M.G., 30, female, Jacksonville

Lesbians as a group are just like any other group: full of many different people with very different attitudes. If your wife is encountering a lesbian who seems overly interested in sex, I would attribute her behavior only to her as a person, not to all lesbians in general.

Amy, 20, bisexual, College Park, Md.

Expert says

Catch the “she thinks it is rather exciting to be noticed” part of Jack’s question?

So did Suzanne Westenhoefer, a self-described “femmy lezzie” comedian (whether she could pass for a hot soccer mom in the school parent pickup line is entirely up to you – visit www.suzannew.com).

“I think his wife’s encouraging this to get attention from hubby,” said Westenhoefer, the first out lesbian comic to appear on David Letterman’s show and to have her own HBO special.

Beyond that, she thinks Jack is kind of a jerk, although she used a different word.

“He’s taking a giant leap from ‘a woman is coming on to my wife’ to ‘all lezzies are evil.’ I mean, Pat Robertson doesn’t make leaps that quickly.”

Jack should be more concerned with making sure his wife’s harassers are reported than making generalizations about lesbian carnal preoccupation, Westenhoefer said.

Why some people make these kinds of broad assumptions may be driven by the fact that sexual orientation is the main thing differentiating gay people from straight people, she said. “So if that’s the only thing you know about a gay person, you might hyper-focus on it.”

Sure, some gay women pursue straight women, but to Westenhoefer, they are often “tragic lesbians” who aren’t consciously going after straights but instead are engaging in self-punishment. “It’s the lesbian-who-can-never-fall-in-love-with-a-woman-who’s-available thing. Yeah, I’ve seen that.”

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