Age-related Questions 1-10

THE QUESTION:
A10: I am an 18-year-old female dating a 25-year-old male, and we are not sexually active. He’s a great guy and I get along with him better than with guys my age. Why is it that so many people have a problem with our dating?
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Jaynia <jaynia@hotmail.com>, N.C.
(Similar question posted May 14, 1998, by Meridith, 18, of N.C., who would also like to know if disapproval of younger women dating older men is more likely to occur in the South than in the North.)

ANSWER 1:
Other people may react negatively because they’re worried you are being taken advantage of, or they may simply be jealous of your happiness. Having negative images of older men with younger women in the media doesn’t help; the women are portrayed as naive gold-diggers, the men as insecure or perverted (Woody Allen and Soon-yi Previn, for example). The most important thing to ask yourself is: Does your boyfriend treat you as an equal? That is to say, as if you are both the same age? If he does, and you are happy with him, what others think doesn’t matter (even your parents). As with relationships at any age, being treated with respect is important. It’s only recently, anyway, in our own culture that women are expected to be with men their own age. My grandparents had an age difference of 16 years when they married in the 1940s.
POSTED MAY 27, 1998
Brooke M., 22 <brooke@tfn.net>, Tallahassee, FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
It’s probably because people think there must be something (sex) going on. If you enjoy one another, go for it. Let other people wonder. I am 55 and my bride is 45, and we enjoy one another and have for almost 30 years.
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
Paul, 55, white, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I am a 26-year-old male with a 43-year-old wife. I have been disowned by my family, and other people look at us funny. Why? Because society doesn’t view it as being part of the norm. We’re supposed to marry someone Christian, our age, who doesn’t smoke or drink. Pooh on them. If it’s love, that’s all that matters.
POSTED JUNE 13, 1998
Anthony E., dianicwitch@yahoo.com, Wichita, KS

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
My boyfriend is 27 and I am 46. I have had little problem with people making comments about our relationship, other than comments concerning my welfare (whether I’m being used since I make much more money than he does). I feel having a positive attitude and being open to hearing comments of concern helps me contend with the biases/jealousy/concerns others might have over relationships with large age differences. We have had to overcome an even greater obstacle: What happens when people discover we met over the Internet! There seems to be more condescension over that than our age difference.
POSTED SEPT. 1, 1998
Sue, Thousand Oaks, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
When I was 16-20 I dated men 10 years my senior. The problem was I kept growing up and they were still the same old guy. When I was in my early 20s I started to realize there was a difference between what a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old wants out of life. Now that I look back I realize I could never have made any long-term commitment with any of my boyfriends with a 10-year age difference; I’d mature, but it was clear that they had gotten to a certain age and stopped maturing. One of my friends is 24 and his girlfriend is about 32. When they first met, everything was fine. Now that he’s starting to see the world from a more mature perspective (and hers has not changed one bit), he is getting restless in the relationship. I’m sorry, but I do not agree with dating someone significantly older or younger; it’ll end in disaster eventually.
POSTED NOV. 29, 1998
Calico, 26, MD
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THE QUESTION:
A9: Why do seniors demand respect from the younger generation when it seems they don’t respect us?
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
Rob, 27, <innvertigo@aol.com>, Southfield , MI

ANSWER 1:
I’m part of that same younger generation but feel compelled to respond. Respect has to start somewhere. Our elders have earned respect by working their whole lives and fighting to gain the freedom and privileges we enjoy every day without thinking about it. We should expect to have to earn respect, too. I don’t think I’ve done enough to earn the unconditional respect of the elderly in my community, but I hope to. Also, don’t expect something in return when you show older people the kind of respect they deserve – or even before you show it. Just expect that if you treat people well, they will treat you well in return. It just takes time, and you have to believe it’s worth it.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Jennifer, 29, Saline, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
The reason any person should respect their elders is that older people have lived longer and therefore experienced more. (The assumption being that because they are more experienced, they are more knowledgeable.) Think of the child who doesn’t want to wear a seat belt. They haven’t seen many, if any, accidents. Probably never been involved in one, either – meaning they don’t have any idea how badly the human body fares in one. The parents, even if they have never been directly involved in an accident, have the knowledge, and can so direct their children correctly – even if the children don’t realize this. The ability, in general, of the older person to see the big picture in a clearer fashion demands that the younger person respect this knowledge or experience – and in turn demand this same respect from those younger yet.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
K.F.G., 43, white male, <sfg-7@msn.com>, Garden City, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
People who “demand” respect probably feel they deserve it because they have managed to be around longer. Of course, many people focused on their own experience, knowledge and wisdom are not open to the possibilities of learning from anyone else, especially someone younger. If they were, they would be respectful to everyone. You allude to another of the sterotypes we tend to carry with us, in this case sterotypes the older carry of the younger, and vice-versa. A better form of respect would come from who you are, rather than what you are.
POSTED MAY 14, 1998
Bob N., 58, Baton Rouge, LA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Adults lead by example. If they demand respect from you (in a polite manner), you in turn learn to demand respect from those who come after you. Children are not born knowing about manners, and consideration. When your elders make such demands on you, you can learn how and when to use these things yourself. It bothers me to see people who say “Hi.,” while facing away from me, because my elders taught me that when I speak to them, I should look them in the face. Teaching by example is always the best way to go, but such demands are things that help us all. If you were not taught some of the “finer things in life” at a younger age, that does not mean it’s too late to learn these things now. Such demands would only be with the intent to make you a better person
POSTED MAY 20, 1998
Apryl P., black <apryl@mail-me.com>, Oak Park, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I find it interesting that this is one of several areas where there seems to be an exception to the adage of teaching by example. Those who “demand” respect (no matter what their age) without respecting others seem to think respect is really something you can demand, not seeing that the very one-sidedness of the demand leads only to, at best, a show of respect, not actual respect, which can only be given freely. I don’t tolerate very well being treated with disrespect, nor will I treat others that way (even if I don’t have any respect for the way they are being). But actual respect I feel I have to earn to receive. I think all babies, most young children, a majority of teenagers and a good number of adults are worthy of respect (even if some of their behaviors and attitudes I could do without).
POSTED JUNE 12, 1998
tbourke, 47, tbourke@earthlink.net, Fullerton, CA
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THE QUESTION:
A8: Director’s Paraphrase: K.W. of Orange Park, Fla., would like to know why movie theaters tell people under 18 they can’t enter an R-rated movie because they aren’t adults, but then charge them the adult rate instead of the child’s rate for entrance into a PG movie.
POSTED MAY 3, 1998

ANSWER 1:
I believe R-rated movies require those 17 and under to be admitted only with a parent or guardian. If you are 18, you should be allowed to see R-rated movies alone. I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I tried to buy some liquor when I was 20, and was charged (as an adult) with being a minor in possession of alcohol. This is a double standard. A person who is 20 should either be an adult or a child, not both. I think people who have reached the18 should be considered adults for all purposes. If you’re old enough to die in a war for your country, you’re old enough to drink a beer and watch any movie you feel like watching.
POSTED JUNE 26, 1998
Robert W., 33, white <rwalling@connect.net>, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
The Ratings System (G, PG, R, NC-17, X, etc.) is a product of the Motion Picture Association of America, which sets guidelines for who is allowed to see what movies. Movie theaters must follow the guidelines set forth by the MPAA. Movie theaters, as independent businesses, can charge whatever they like for admission, and most have fallen into a rough classification system (Youth, Adult, Senior, Student, etc.). This “Adult” classification has nothing to do with the MPAA guidelines, which make no mention of the word “Adult.” They are two separate distinctions that both happen to use the same term to roughly define an age group. Therefore, one can pay a price for the “Adult” tier and still not be an “Adult” in any other sense of the word.
POSTED JUNE 27, 1998
Brian W., 24 <brian@darkwolf.com>, Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I understand your frustration with theaters not allowing people 17 and under into R-rated movies without a parent or adult. I have three teenagers, and they never want to see any movies that aren’t rated R. However, in our area, the kids usually get in without any problem. If there is a problem, I simply go to the box office and give my permission for the kids to see the movie, and they’re allowed in. With shows on HBO and Showtime rated closer to X than R, how as parents are we to control what our children view? Why are theaters so concerned about our childeren when they can already see what they want, including X-rated stuff and the R-rated movies on HBO and Showtime? If it is left up to us as parents to regulate what our children watch at home, why does it concern theaters? My children are already so much more advanced in years than I was at their current ages (14, 15 and 18). I’m finished worrying about R-rated movies; I spend my time trying to keep my 14-year-old out of the porn sections on the net.
POSTED AUG. 1, 1998
Jayale1955 <jayale1955@aol.com>, Oak Ridge, TN
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THE QUESTION:
A7: My question is for the elderly: Is your self-image that of a person your current age? Or do you think of yourself as though you were younger? At 33, I still imagine myself as I was at 25, the height of my glory years.
POSTED APRIL 3, 1998
Natalie W., 33, white <nataliepw@aol.com>
Orchard Lake, MI

ANSWER 1:
Good question. At 50, I have just begun to accept myself as middle-aged, and also prefer to envision myself in my mid-twenties, which I also think of as my glory days. I think this all relates to the worship of youth that we are bombarded with in the media.
POSTED APRIL 4, 1998
B. Hudson <hudson@pacificrim.net>
Bellingham, WA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I am 70 and feel I am an expert on the subject. One feels the same, except that I have learned so much watching and reading about the world and people. It is difficult to look in the mirror, but as eyesight weakens as one gets older, one can’t see the wrinkles easily. I am very opinionated and wish my family would have the sense to ask my advice before doing stuff like buying a new house, having a baby, etc. Oh well. At least it isn’t my fault if things go wrong.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Joangg, white female <joangg@webtv.com>
Ft. Worth, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
At 53, my self-image is of a vital, fulfilled person still moving forward. I feel no different inside than I did 10, 20, 30 years ago. The outside may be more weathered and a little heavier, but inside is the same, if not better. The main work of my life is over, i.e. raising a family, buying a home, educating children, acquiring material things. I am now free to rediscover my husband, pursue my interests and smell the roses.

I feel a parallel between a day and a life. It’s now the evening of the day, time for myself. The work part of the day – growing up, becoming educated, pursuing a career, raising children, etc. – is finished, and I have the evening to myself. It’s an awesome freedom. I try to put my physical and mental health first so that I am able to enjoy the “evening.” I feel that elderly people are often overlooked by the young. Several years ago I was in a store and an elderly gentleman, about 90, was standing waiting for his wife who was trying on some clothes. I said hello to him. He asked if I knew him and I said no and asked why. He responded: “It’s been so long since anyone said hello to me.” It broke my heart, and I was so glad that I said hello.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
ESaar, 53, “Elderly” <saare@sunyulster.edu>
West Hurley, NY
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THE QUESTION:
A6: Why do older men tend to grow hair in their ears?
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Amy, 29, Royal Oak, MI

ANSWER 1:
Both men and women grow more facial and body hair as they get older, although I think men definitely have the edge in this department. It’s probably a hormonal thing. A male friend in his mid-thirties complains that his hair is migrating from his scalp to his back.
POSTED MAY 9, 1998
A. Morgan, Houston, TX
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THE QUESTION:
A5: Why is it that older men seem to wear their pants higher on the hips than the rest of the population? Does this have to do with physical changes to the body in old age, or some fad that was around when they were younger?
POSTED MARCH 21, 1998
Mike, 26, Howell, MI

ANSWER 1:
Older men wear their trousers higher on their hips than younger men for both the reasons you mentioned. Forty or 50 years ago, trousers were made with more space between the belt and crotch; therefore, in order for them not to look baggy, you cinched your belt higher. Also, when a man gets older, most develop a “spare tire” around their waist, making it necessary to have your belt either above the roll of fat or below it. I once knew a man who had his pants made especially to accommodate his large belly. His belt was above his belly and practically under his arms.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1998
Joseph L., male <jelong@lex.infi.net>, Lexington, KY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I agree with Joseph, but want to add another point: Many of us shrink as we get older. It’s not the bottom half that shrinks (our legs don’t get any shorter), but rather the top half. As our spine loses moisture and osteoporosis causes the back to curve over, the distance from the waist to the head gets shorter. So when it appears that a man is wearing his pants higher and higher up toward, what may really be happening is that his shoulders are moving lower and lower down toward his waist. This curvature of the back can put pressure on the guts, pushing them outward, contributing even further to the “spare tire” that Joseph mentioned, and the attempt to pull the pants above the natural waist.
POSTED MARCH 1, 1999
Judith G. , female, New York , NY
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THE QUESTION:
A4: Why has it been the craze for some to wear pants that hang down to the crotch and drag under the shoes?
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Jon, near Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
I think people do that because they like it and think it looks cool, and they want to feel popular.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Stacey B., 13, Monroe, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Those low-crotch pants serve the same purpose as bell-bottoms. They are a current fashon fad (and will be looked upon with laughter in a few years). Although loose pants (particularly in the crotch) are comfy for guys, this fad seems to be a pretty wild exaggeration. I just wonder how anyone can stand to wear them (some have a pretty hard time waddling up a flight of stairs).
POSTED APRIL 1, 1998
Tom, 20, Houghton, MI
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THE QUESTION:
A3: I work in a place that is host for a lot of seniors. A lot of them have many struggles in getting around. Most have poor vision and hearing. I am in my early twenties and am instructed to help them as much as possible. My question: Why do these same people, who need and ask for so much help, are getting behind the wheel of a car each day. Why won’t they ask for help with this?
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Mark, Detroit, MI

ANSWER 1:
Given an alternative, most seniors with impairments I’ve encountered prefer not to drive. Unfortunately, public transportation is often poor or non-existent. Additionally, families of these seniors frequently live out of the area, are working or don’t care. Most people like to be independent – regardless of age or physical limitation. Offering to drive them makes it easier on them than their having to ask or beg. If they’re driving, there’s usually a reason other than “wanting to.”
POSTED MARCH 31, 1998
H.J., FL

FURTHER NOTICE:
I believe older people don’t want to face the fact that they have to be helped so much. To them, it must seem like yesterday that they ran around the yard with their kids and drove them to school and tied their shoes, and I’m sure it must be a little humiliating to have to be driven around and have somebody help you all the time. It’s like giving all of your freedom up.
POSTED JUNE 11, 1998
L.C., 15, white male, lord_chaos_1@hotmail.com, VT

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Have you ever had to depend on someone else for something you’ve always been able to do for yourself? It’s frustrating, irritating and humiliating. They never do things the way you d , they’re slower than you or they’re too fast or not careful enough. Whether you’re elderly and need help or you’ve broken your leg, or you’re pregnant, or you’re car’s broken down – all of it is a hassle. Either people don’t want to help you or they’re so solicitous you want scream. Or they mean well but really don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t mind so much someone helping me walk to a table, but to have to depend on someone else to get around? Yikes!
POSTED JUNE 24, 1998
Independent now, been dependent before, hated it, 38, mom, Long Beach, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
To L.C.: If you are really 15, you are way ahead of the crowd. As people age, they find themselves giving up parts of their independence bit by bit. They may resent having to depend on their grown children, they don’t want to become a burden on anyone. That was my experience with my mother. At 70, she drove to everything. At 75, I took her to doctor appointments and anything out of town, and she drove to the stores for shopping. At 80 she could not be on her feet for long, so I took over the shopping, but she kept the car for short trips to the gas station and mailbox -which was about 100 feet from her home; she couldn’t walk that far, but she could drive! I took her to get her last driver’s license when she was 83. She passed. I realized that the car, driving to the mailbox, was her last little bit of independence – it was keeping her alive. She took a neighbor to a nearby market and on return, as other neighbors told me later, was barely able to make it up the stairs to the front door. Not receiving an answer to my daily phone call that evening, I went to her home and found her on the floor, unable to move. Hips had gone out. To the hospital, where numerous other problems were found, and she was dead within a few weeks. But she kept that bit of independence, right up to the last day she could, and I am glad I was able to help her do it.
POSTED JULY 2, 1998
Ed H., 56, white male <EdHam0132@aol.com>, Silver Springs, FL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I can understand older people want to maintain some degree of independence, but why do they have to drive a car to do it? If a person needs help walking to the car they are going to drive, that should be a signal that they are not in the best condition to drive. I cannot even begin to list the number of times an elderly relative has run off the road or almost killed someone because he or she was unable to control their vehicle. Part of the problem is that drivers are not continually required to prove they can still perform the minimum driving skills. The other problem is that no one is willing to tell an elderly person to give up that independence for their own good and the good of everyone around them. Kindly allowing an elderly person who is having difficulty taking care of themselves to drive a car is, in my opinion, neglecting the safety of others.
POSTED JULY 24, 1998
John K., 25, straight Irish-American male, <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford, NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
To Ed: I know how important it is for the elderly to be secure in their independence. My aunt had several accidents with her car and still refused to give up her license; that is, until she ran up on the sidewalk, nearly hitting school children. Your mother’s hip could have gone out while she was driving that day, and she could have seriously injured or killed someone. I know we all have rights, but I think we need to start taking other people’s rights into consideration. Your mother may have had the right to drive, but because of her health, she could have taken away another person’s right to live.
POSTED OCT. 22, 1998
Susan B., 25, female, MO
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THE QUESTION:
A2: Why does it seem that all teenagers are classified as being drug addicts and very promiscuous by adults, but people in their early twenties are not?
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
Jamie W., 17 Clinton Township, MI

ANSWER 1:
I am 29 and a parent of three, and I believe parents don’t give their children a chance; they condem them without cause. I think that the parent doesn’t know how to trust a child, and when they hear of that “one” kid who does do drugs and has sex, they become scared and automatically assume. If you are hanging around with those types of people, it is easier for the parent to become leery. Hopefully, you can developed a relationship with your parents so they can trust you and you can trust them. Telling them the truth helps. I hope to raise my children the same way I was raised. My parents trusted me and gave me respect, so I never had to lie or do wrong.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1998
Angie R., Canton , OH

FURTHER NOTICE:
I do not agree with your observation that 20-somethings are not prone to be cast as druggies and sexually active people. Both groups, teens and 20-somethings, are. Why? It sells products, cable, TV, movies, clothes. It’s always about money.
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
S.G. <sgeorg2@aol.com>
Troy, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I think that most adults see teenagers as a threat. Adults become conditioned to control a child’s life as an authority figure, and when the child becomes an adult, hence independent, many adults have a difficult time dealing with this transition. The result can be overbearing parents and teens who rebel. As a result, adults tend to think poorly of teens. By the time a teen reaches his or her twenties, however, the parents are able to let go easier and the 20-something child now is financially and emotionally independent. All in all, this is not a teen’s fault but a parenting problem.
POSTED MARCH 20, 1998
Kirk <saturnkk@concentric.net>
Warren, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think today’s parents are even more “strict” with their teenagers for the mere fact that they are remembering their own teenage days (rand how promiscuous they might have been). Today’s parents don’t want their kids to make the same mistakes that they might have made.
POSTED APRIL 6, 1998
Brad, St. Clair, MI

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Well, Jamie, I would say don’t worry about it too much. Adults react to teenagers negatively because they don’t understand their world and lives and they forget what it was like for them. It’s been that way in America since the dawn of the “teen culture” in the 1950s. Those of us in our twenties have had to battle some stereotypes of our own. Older adults like to call us the slacker generation: Lazy and aimless. Sometimes I think it’s jealousy; they no longer have their youth so they begrudge us ours. The greatest favor you can do your children in the future is to remember how you’re feeling now and make a conscious effort to treat them differently.
POSTED APRIL 30, 1998
Denise, 26, Bronx, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
The respondents who have so far given their ages are all pretty young. I’m 50. As a teenager, I never smoked, drank or dated. I heard about marijuana in college but never tried it. My all-female dorm at a notorious “party school” had a house mother and strict curfew. My worry about my teenager has nothing to do with anything I did wrong or imagine that she has done wrong. I worry because I know just how disastrous one wrong step can be. I have seen others lose their futures and their souls. The opportunities to err are far greater today, and the errors can be more dangerous. Being a teenager is hard enough without the complications of drugs and sex.
POSTED MAY 11, 1998
C.G., Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Parents are legally and socially responsible for their teenagers but not their young adult children. Perhaps we are more concerned with what we can control. Personally, I look into the eyes and heart before I make judgments – OK, I do sniff ’em when they come home (smile) – but I would never stereotype a person because of what they wear, the color of their skin or their age. Teenagers seem to have a “me-against-the-world” mentality. It is up to the older generation to reach out to them.
POSTED MAY 17, 1998
Parent of teens, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
I raised two children, and they are both responsible adults now. They always had my trust, unless they did something to lose it. If they did, they had to earn it back. The media is to blame for a lot of the way adults look at teens. You only hear about the bad kids. I believe there are a lot more good kids than bad out there. Don’t let what anyone says about you make you do something stupid. You are the one who has to look in the mirror every day.
POSTED AUG. 13, 1998
Ruth, 68 <ruthmc@pugetsound.net>, Oak Harbor, WA
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THE QUESTION:
A1: Are media human resource personnel reluctant to hire qualified, 50-plus year-old journalists who, for one reason or another, find themselves back in the job market when they can least afford to be unemployed? If so, why?
POSTED MARCH 12, 1998
Jim, Atlanta

ANSWER 1:
As a professional recruiter, I have placed people in your age bracket, and I can tell you that sometimes it’s difficult. You have to portray a “positive do- anything team player” attitude when interviewing for the job. So many qualified people interview for jobs that they feel are below them. They carry around feelings of resentment or past anger at their old job. Don’t dwell on the past. The best you can do is read the ad carefully, do your homework on the company and write a cover letter that says, “Yes, I’m a seasoned worker, but I can bring a lot to your company and I am a team player who is willing to learn.”
POSTED MARCH 19, 1998
Terry <Terry@Techstaffmi.com>
Ann Arbor, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
Being older than other job hunters has its drawbacks (I am 49 and job-hunting). Sometimes, there is nothing you can do. Some will think they can’t afford you, with so much experience. But you can put a positive “spin” on being older: Your kids are grown, so no emergency calls from school, for example. Also, be sure to be open to new ideas, so you don’t seem set in your ways.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1998
Doug <DStuber37@aol.com>
Atlanta, GA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I’m 52 and job hunting in Brisbane, Australia, and let me tell you – age discrimination is alive and well down here. I type 90 words per minute with 100 percent accuracy, know several different word-processing packages, can spell anything and have all those other adjectives that describe mature people, but I’ve been job-hunting for three years and getting no closer. At least “temping” keeps me busy.
POSTED APRIL 9, 1998
Queensland Aussie Trishslife@bigpond.com
Brisbane, Australia
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