[John C.]

I’m white and have a 14-month-old adopted black grandchild (the adoptive parents are white). How can the child best be helped to stay in contact with its own heritage?

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Name : John C., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Unity School of Christianity, Age : 56, City : Strafford, State : MO, Country : United States, Occupation : factory worker, Education level : High School Diploma, Social class : Middle class, 

[S. Parker]

I think your concern about your grandchild’s ‘own heritage’ probably shows that your heart is in the right place. However, there may be no need for this heritage link; in fact, it could be a negative thing. What do you mean by heritage? Do you mean the child’s ethnicity and/or race, or cultural heritage? If you believe that because the child is black, the rules for good and loving parenting are somehow different than if the child were white, I strongly disagree. The child’s ‘own heritage’ comes from the parents, not from his or her skin color or genes or other circumstances of birth. Therefore, if the adopting parents identify with a German heritage, it should be shared with the child. If, as I suspect, the parents mostly identify with an American heritage, then they have something wonderful to pass along to the child in that case, too. Because the child looks significantly different from the parents, disclosure of the adoption to the child is unavoidable, but that’s fine. The child should receive the love that any child would receive, regardless of birth circumstances, and also reasonable straight talk about how the family came to be so constituted. But to guide the child to a heritage that is presumably alien to the parents would only serve to weaken the bonds of love and family that were developed over years. Allow the child the freedom to investigate any cultural heritage he or she becomes interested in, but always emphasize that he is rooted in your heritage, because you are his family. I cannot see the good in saying, ‘Your heritage is over there, and ours is over here.’ At no point is anyone saying that another heritage to which the child may have a connection is inferior or off limits. It just happens to be different. I hope you think about it. I’ve heard many blacks oppose adoption of black children by whites, on the grounds that the white parents cannot provide this heritage link. But again, heritage is not about your genes or skin color, it’s about who raises you. Don’t feel that you are required to ‘raise the child as an African American (or other black cultural group) child.’ Just love him as your own!

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Name : S. Parker, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 38, City : Aliso Viejo, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Self-employed, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Berry]

I think one way to keep the child connected is to make sure he will comfortable being around his own race. One way to do this is to get him involved with other minorities. That may mean getting him involved with a church that is predominantly black or heavily mixed so that he can interact with other blacks. I feel that the emphasis should be on keeping him in a mixed environment. This is a really difficult question to answer, but I applaud your decision to adopt.

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Name : Berry, Gender : F, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Baptist, Age : 28, City : Richmond, State : VA, Country : United States, Occupation : medical profession, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[S-Parker]

What you call ‘pretending’ is actually an attempt to set a good example, to bring about societal change. What does this statement mean: ‘Every child needs a solid base to draw from’? Sounds like psycho-babble. I have raised children, and I know what it means to impart values and a strong sense of self. More importantly, it worked, and never have I had to prop up their ‘solid base’ with reference to their lineage (though I still think it’s OK to do so). It’s a non-issue who their relatives are, to say nothing of their skin color. They, and their individual behaviors, are what count. That said, I don’t have a problem with your advice to the original poster. I hope no one thought I was recommending anything less than truth for the child. My point is that while references to the lineage may be good, positive, interesting, etc., they are not crucial.

I’ll never understand taking pride in a skin color or ethnicity. It makes no sense. I’ll never understand negatively judging a person because of a skin color or ethnicity. It makes no sense.

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Name : S-Parker, City : Aliso Viejo, State : CA, Country : United States, 

[Manfred]

Focus on your own culture and values, and not on your granddaughter’s race. You have no special duty to black culture merely because your granddaughter is black; and your granddaughter will not suffer any more than any other child should you unflinchingly impart your world view to her via your children. By her parents’ and your persistently high expectations and example, she will eventually come to share and espouse your beliefs. And this will give her certain knowledge that she is an extension of your moral and spiritual force. She will come to see that the same noble mind and heart that lives in you also lives in her, without respect to race. You will see it gradually develop, and it will bind you to her in ways that you cannot now comprehend. The goal of parents and grandparents should always be spiritual and cultural oneness with their offspring – biological or otherwise. Work toward this and your granddaughter will experience few conflicts. Do not separate yourself from her by intentionally giving her cultural values foreign to your own, and do not in any way tiptoe around issues of race. Handle the minor issues of race, how to care for her hair, for example, as if they are mere tasks of the overall job of making her presentable, the best representative of your values she can be. Should you purposefully cause cultural wedges between you, she will certainly grow insecure, seeing her race as an innate barrier so significant that it compels you to send her toward cultural experiences in which you yourself would not partake. The same would occur were she very short or tall and you incessantly focused on her height as opposed to unabashedly loving her because she is your granddaughter. I think we must not confuse race and heritage. I am black with white parents. I have never felt a need to identify with blacks in particular, and my parents have never felt a need to do anything in this area. They taught me their own culture, which is now mine. It is from that vantage point that I approach the world, and I have no conflict whatever about my identity. I am a black, English-speaking American male, the essential product of European culture. I move through various ethnic groups as well as most because I try to approach relationships more from the perspective of mutual ideals and honor, rather than race.

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Name : Manfred, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 30, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : Attorney, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jennifer]

This is not an either/or situation. The best answer is to raise the child to know both cultures. As parents of a biracial daughter, these are issues my husband (who is of Eastern European Jewish and German descent) and I (an African American) have grappled with. There is no reason to exclude either culture. If you raise the child as German or white, he will only grow up confused. Likewise, if he’s only raised to know black culture, he will be equally confused. I have no problem with transracial adoption, but I do feel that those who choose to adopt across cultural lines have a responsibility to teach the child about his birth heritage and history. This could be as simple as reading a few books and magazines on the culture and making them available to the child; taking him out to cultural events and shops; and/or joining a multiracial/transracial adoption support group in your area. It is important that the child be taught about his history, whatever that may be, so that he doesn’t feel it’s inferior or get wrong-headed ideas or simply isn’t aware of it.

I’m interested in knowing why this is such an issue when discussing black/white adoption. When I’ve read/heard of whites adopting Asian children or others, I’ve never heard this concern. They seem to take it for granted that the child learn his heritage, going so far as to give the child an Asian name. Is it just an ignorance (simply meaning ‘not knowing about or aware of’ and not to be taken negatively) of African history or African-American culture that concerns whites when it comes to black/white transracial adoption?

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Name : Jennifer, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Yoruba/Ifa, Age : 25, City : Dallas, State : TX, Country : United States, Occupation : Writer/Teacher/Tutor, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[Gregory H.]

I have to respectfully differ from the respondent who said to raise the child in your own heritage. I agree with him that the most important thing that you (adoptive parents/family) need to give the child is love, support, etc., but a sense of self-identity is also very important, especially for members of minority groups, a fact that for whatever reason is often misunderstood and/or discounted by white people. I think the response that you should try to offer a mixed environment whenever possible is excellent. A well-mixed church or predominantly black church is a good option if you are churchgoers (and they WILL accept you; they’ll be very curious at first, but then will almost certainly be delighted to have you). I don’t think there is a need to explicitly ‘teach’ black culture (I don’t know if it’s possible, anyway), but just keep the kid immersed and in contact with black folks so that he can learn to understand them. And I don’t think that the child should be excluded from learning about and/or celebrating his parents’ heritage; ideally he’ll know about his parents’ culture as well as his own. But realistically, his heritage is a different heritage than his parents’, and if he grows up learning nothing but his parents’ culture, at some point he may feel he was cheated out of his own culture and that it was hidden from him because his parents thought it not worthy of being taught or exposed to. Another option: when the child is old enough, involve him/her in some sort of sport or similar community activity where there will be other black kids – and their families.

Meet some black families and explain your concerns, and I’m sure you will find that many will be willing to lend ideas, time, etc. The most important thing, as the first respondent said, is to make it so that the child is comfortable around black folks. I’ve known several black and mixed-race children who were raised with only white culture, and they were noticeably uncomfortable around black people, basically because they knew that they were black, but didn’t know anything about being black, and had no point of reference to relate to many of the things the black people related to each other about.

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Name : Gregory H., Gender : M, Race : Black/African American, Age : 24, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[Manfred]

Your response is correct. Mere race does not equate to heritage. I note in two of the other responses to your post, both from ethnic minorities, that there seems an implied fear of how society will treat the black child of white parents. One of these even mentioned the Nazi/Skinhead phantom. To be sure, there are racists in our society, but our society is civilized enough that we may now trust it to press against gross racial prejudice.

As for racial insults and other profane but legal forms of speech, what does black culture offer that is more potent than integrity and other virtues? I think nothing. Indeed, black culture is in many ways crippled by fear and grief, so much so that a great many blacks literally recoil at a mere word, even causing a general fear in society such that we must now use euphemisms for specific vulgarities. We do not protect our children from racial profanities and epithets by boisterous scorn and fear. This sort of behavior actually gives greater power to the profanities than they deserve. We counter vulgarity with integrity. When I, as a young child, first brought the subject of racists before my father, he calmly turned to me and said blankly that they were wrong. I was at once faced with the choice of believing the racists or believing my father. It was an easy choice because my dad had lived such a life of kindness toward me and integrity in general that, juxtaposed with uncouth racists, he appeared as dignity personified. I believed him on the faith of his integrity, and the issue was done. I could sleep with confidence. As I grew and saw myself as a black man thriving in the context of my father’s heritage and culture, I saw for myself that my father was exactly right. Racists are wrong. I am impervious to racial vulgarity and profanity because of the quiet dignity of my parents. These people trusted me to carry their heritage into the future, and they proved their stated trust by decades of love and cultural training. I am now prepared to do my duty to them and indeed am carrying it out. That is how we prepare children against racism – not by anger and fear.

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Name : Manfred, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 30, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : Attorney, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Lynne G.]

The first thing you should do is take S. Parker’s advice: find an open window and chuck it. You are doing the right thing in addressing your grandchild’s cultural needs. I am a black woman, but because my skin is light brown and my hair wavy, I have actually been asked what race I am. When this has happened, it was as if the earth spun for a second, clocks melted and an alternate universe was born. How could people NOT know that I was black, was my answer. For that instant, I felt that I had been stripped of my association with every black person in the world, because one person could not see to whom I belonged. Many interracial people live with this every day of their lives, and it’s enough to traumatize a child who doesn’t belong or doesn’t know where they belong. Definitely teach your grandchild how to be proud of both of his cultures. Most importantly, you must also remember that your child will experience racism at some point in life, as long as he lives in America, and it is your responsibility to prepare him to handle bigots. Failure to do that will ensure him a lot of heartache, confusion and feelings of isolation later in life, which could stunt his emotional growth, or worse.

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Name : Lynne G., City : Jacksonville, State : FL, Country : United States, 

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