Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 14 replies, 15 voices, and was last updated 19 years, 6 months ago by
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I’m heterosexual but find myself deeply in love with a man. I’ve since gone to gay bars ‘just to see’ and wasn’t attracted to the men. I’m not attracted to any women now, either. Just this one guy. I’m really stressing; my life is falling apart. Any insights?
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Name : JayB, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 38, City : Oakland Park, State : FL, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,First off, why is your life falling apart? If you have strong feelings for someone you should address them in an adult manner. The best way to deal with anything is to face it. Have a talk with the man. Feel it out and do it at a pace which is acceptable to the both of you. You might find you are confused about your feelings or truly in love. Whichever, the only way you will ever find balance is to meet with this guy and come to some understanding for yourself. Also, don’t forget, you live in a culture which has such a stigma attached to being a gay person. Be true to yourself and your feelings, respect the other person involved and plan on learning a lot about yourself and human interactions. Hopefully this brings some comfort.
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Name : Matthew21843, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Age : 42, City : NYC, State : NY, Country : United States, Social class : Middle class,It happens. I’ve got a gay friend whose boyfriend is straight. He doesn’t feel attracted to men apart from his boyfriend, and doesn’t like the gay scene at all. If you look at his feelings, you’d have to say there was a same-sex orientation. But it’s up to an individual to decide how far he or she wants to go with gay self-identification. For many people, myself included, the stereotyped gay identities just don’t fit at all, although I use the word for convenience’s sake. I would avoid struggling with labels and follow your feelings. If you are in a heterosexual relationship already, that will require some managing and honesty.
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Name : Ben S., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 31, City : sydney, State : NA, Country : Australia, Occupation : Public servant, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,Here’s some insight: You are gay! If you are not interested in other men and women, it means, quite simply, that you’re in love. Good Luck. I hope he feels the same.
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Name : Danielle Koukos, Gender : F, Race : X, Age : 24, City : Lakehurst, State : NJ, Country : United States, Occupation : Systems Analyst, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,The ways of love surprise us all at one time or another. Love has certainly surprised you in the directions it now leads you. You’re not the first, but these surprises can shock, disorient, even pain, and learning that you’re not the first is no solace. Sorry, I have few insights to help you. But let me add a couple of other notes I hope may help you in a difficult time. First, I admire your willingness to explore gay bars ‘just to see.’ But bars aren’t the answer. Neither are the men in them. You’re NOT looking for love. Your problem is that love has found you. So forget the labels: don’t worry now about declaring yourself as straight or gay. The real question, the important question: Does he love you? If so, why not explore this part of your lives? Why not act on your love, as slowly as feels comfortable? Find out who the two of your are and what you two want. Maybe you’ll discover that what you both want is to share the joy of life together. Sounds great to me! If, alas, he doesn’t love you, the world will be painful, but not over. He may have given you a great gift: the opportunity to discover a part of yourself hidden until now. If so, you may want to meet other gay people. Unless you’re comfortable in your sexuality, I’d advise you to stay away from gay bars. Once they were the only place for men-loving men to meet each other. Now you have lots of other options, places where you can meet other men outside the context of sex. Check out these other venues. Some of your distress comes from your definition of self: a heterosexual man who deeply loves another man, spiritually, probably physically. It’s the labels that cause the pain. Later on, if labels are useful, then use them. But for now rejoice that you’re Jay discovering another rich world of love. And maybe if this doesn’t work out you’ll find yourself in love with a woman. Think of all the ways in which you might enrich such a relationship with what you learn from this one.
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Name : Thom24771, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Age : 57, City : Washington, State : DC, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College,First, why is your life falling apart? If you have strong feelings for someone, you should address them in an adult manner. The best way to deal with anything is to face it. Have a talk with the man. Feel it out and do it at a pace that is acceptable to both of you. You might find you are confused about your feelings or truly in love. Whichever, the only way you will find balance is to meet with this guy and come to some understanding for yourself. Also, don’t forget, you live in a culture that has such a stigma attached to being a gay person. Be true to yourself and your feelings, respect the other person involved and plan on learning a lot about yourself and human interactions.
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Name : Matthew21844, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Age : 42, City : Nwe York, State : NY, Country : United States, Social class : Middle class,We’re talking about denial. Your confusion stems from the fact that you are trying to fit into a category, either straight or gay. Because you are in love with a certain man, it is clear that you have the ability to love men. You don’t have to be the type of guy who lisps, wears leathe and hangs out at gay bars in order to have homosexual tendencies. After all, not every straight man gets his kicks out of bars, clubs and pick-up joints, either. So why not throw denial, confusion and categories aside and simply love whomever you love and not try too hard to pigeonhole yourself?
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Name : Iona-J, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Pagan, Age : 32, City : Tucson, State : AZ, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Through my life experience and from taking a human sexuality course, you sound like you’re normal, but more honest than most men. Few people are 100 percent straight or 100 percent gay. Underlying feelings are normal and natural. Many (if not most) people are not even this honest with themselves. I think you may have a strong infatuation with this man. It’s up to you what to do with this situation. Please don’t lose anymore sleep over this situation. I lost a lot of sleep for years over it. I now consider myself bisexual, because it’s pretty much down the middle for me. Relax and enjoy your pounding heart filled with love. Life will keep changing as your life continues. Enjoy the ride.
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Name : Marie22255, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Age : 39, City : Boston, State : MA, Country : United States,It sounds like you’ve found a connection to another human being on a deep, meaningful level. Look at women such as Anne Heche. She was ‘straight’ until she fell in love with Ellen DeGeneres. You may be in the same boat. Does he know? Is he gay? These are more important questions to consider. For yourself, enjoy your love. It’s a great feeling, as I’m sure you’re aware.
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Name : Josie, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Mormon, Age : 22, City : Park City, State : UT, Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,After reading your question, I’m not convinced (and I suspect you aren’t, either) that you’re as ‘straight’ as you want to be perceived. My suggestion is similar to those already posted in response to your question – if you are attracted to a man, I say go for it, as discreetly as you want to and are comfortable with. Your feelings are real, and I’m glad you acknowledge them. Above all else, always be true to yourself, and you’ll be much happier, even though you may not be able to see that right now.
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Name : Randy, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Methodist, Age : 47, City : Key West, State : FL, Country : United States, Occupation : Professional, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,It’s doubtful you are as straight as you think if you have these feelings. A lot of us ‘straight guys’ get it on with other guys, but we tell ourselves we ‘aren’t like that.’ Deep inside, however, we know that what feels good feels REALLY good, and hats off to you for admitting it feels good to you. I say go for it. Don’t worry about labels. Have some safe fun and always be true to yourself.
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Name : Randy30226, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Methodist, Age : 47, City : Key West, State : FL, Country : United States, Occupation : Government, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,Don’t analyze it too much. Just go with the ‘I’m in love with this man’ part and see where that goes. Don’t worry about labeling yourself or your feelings for this person. You are having a strong emotional response and possibly an attachement that you shouldn’t agonize over or deprive yourself the experience of exploring. The feelings may be mutual, or you may be rejected if and when you ever disclose your feelings for this man. You will be hurt by rejection, and if that scares you terribly manybe you’d just better walk as far away from this situation as possible right now. But if it’s something you think you could cope with and would seek out support (groups or counseling) to help you through that rejection if it should ever come, then why not go for exploring the relationship. You’ve connected with another person on a deep emotional level, and it may remain only at that level. That’s a beautiful thing to experience in life, and you may just have to settle for the fact that you fell in love with a man once – and something more came of it, or nothing more – and it was a great, life-affirming experience. Forget the labels of who you are and focus on the love you are capable of giving and receiving. That’s who you are.
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Name : Lynn22514, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : multiracial, Age : 37, City : Washington, State : DC, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,Your life does not need to fall apart over this. You are deeply in love with a man, and that measns that you are a healthy human being who has not lost his ability to feel love. Labels are not important – they are just words and their only purpose is to enable people to express their experiences in whatever ways make them most comfortable. If you are comfortable defining yourself as heterosexual and loving a man, then trust your own comfort and call yourself what you want. If you are not comfortable accepting the conflict between your heterosexual label and your love for a man, then choose whatever new label for yourself will make yourself comfortable. Make up a new label if you want. For example, if the man you love is named David, call yourself Davidsexual. Just call yourself whatever expresses your own identity best, and don’t worry about what other people call you or about contradictions between your current and past attractions. For example, it is PERFECTLY OKAY to say you are a former heterosexual who is now Davidsexual but who may or may not be heterosexual again in the future. Personally, I consider myself a former heterosexual who has been bisexual for the past 8 years and who intends to be permanently bisexual from now on, but then again I can’t predict the future so anything could happen. But the key is DON’T LET ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU HOW TO DEFINE YOURSELF. The power to define yourself belongs to you and to you alone. P.S. These two websites may be helpful to you: http://www.material.demon.co.uk/bi/ and http://www.crosswinds.net/~queerchoice/
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Name : QueerByChoice, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Religion : Atheist, Age : 23, City : Sacramento, State : CA, Country : United States,I don’t really believe there is such a thing as straight or gay. We are all bisexual to a degree. The learned behavior from your upbringing only dictates how you describe yourself as straight. Hopefully you and your friend work things out:)
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Name : Alka Seltzer, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : American Indian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 42, City : Atlanta, State : GA, Country : United States, Occupation : Transportation, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,My dear Jay, be guided by what Jesus says about homosextuality. Are you a christian? If you are find the answer yourself in the Bible. Use Jesus Christ as you standard and you will sure find the answer to your confusion. Please do this today and do not delay. Search the Bible immediately. Be blessed and be touched by Christ.
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Name : Christie, City : Atlanta, State : GA, Country : United States,
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