[River]

OK I am 12 and in seventh grade. I got my parents to buy me a Gothic outfit. My mom said I could wear Goth as long I don't do devil worship. For a while my mood was good, but then my mom's mood went bad about it. And my dad is totally against Goth. But I liked it and feel my grades were improving. Then mom and I went to the store for clothes and she started cursing at me for picking black. I feel trapped. I thought I had found something I liked. Does anyone have any advice, stuff to tell my dad so he accepts Goth? Please hurry, I need help fast.

User Detail :  

Name : River, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 12, City : Heath, State : OH Country : United States, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[Alex J.]

Why are these clothes so important to you? Do you like their uniqueness? Their associations? Do you simply enjoy the cut and color? I am not saying the clothes are unimportant, but before your parents can see there are good reasons to allow you to wear them, you should try and figure out what those reasons are, even if it's as simple as, 'I like them.' Taste can't always be justified, but it will help if you try. After figuring out why you like them, write a letter to your parents explaining why you like these clothes and what being Goth means to you. Be honest. It's all well and good to say, 'My parents don't understand me,' but first you have to try to help them understand. When they understand, they can accept. Then give the letter to your parents. Then talk. Again, be honest. Also, be receptive and willing to compromise. Yes, it's hard and awkward. But I assume you wanted solutions, not platitudes.

User Detail :  

Name : Alex J., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 17, City : Elkins Park, State : PA Country : United States, Occupation : High School student, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Middle class, 

[A-parent]

If you found something you really like, that's cool. But what is more important? Peace in the home, or your own apartment? If your parents pay the bills, feed you and clothe you, they call the shots. That's what Dr. Laura would say. If you still like Goth when you're 18, you can move out and do your thing.

User Detail :  

Name : A-parent, City : Edmonton, Alberta, State : NA Country : Canada, 

[Taz]

Unless you're prepared to live many years worth of arguing and anger between you and your parents, I'd suggest trying this: Compromise and get a couple outfits (non-Goth black) that you can live with, and wear them once in a while to make them happy. Your parents where nice enough to allow you the Goth outfits, so return the favor and wear something they would like once in a while. Once you are on your own, you can wear whatever you want. Trust me, the arguements and threats are not worth it.

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Name : Taz, Gender : M, Age : 33, City : Detroit, State : MI Country : United States, Social class : Middle class, 

[E25525]

You could tell him that 'pale people in black' have been around for a while; I'm thinking Lord Byron, beatniks, etc. Of course, they weren't strictly Goth. Many 'artistic types' I know today still wear only black, usually out of convenience: it doesn't show stains, and everything goes with it. What specifically is angering your dad? Is it the association with devil worship? You could tell him that a pretty large percent of Goths are Christians, or that the Goth obsession with death is a way of contemplating one's own mortality. There's an almost 'monastic' streak in some Goths, focusing on the emptiness of the present world and the omnipresence of death. That certainly fits within most Christian sects.

Is it the nature of the clothes themselves? Sometimes Gothic men's clothes are gender-neutral or close to gender-bending. That doesn't mean all Goths are gay; the men wearing the lace cuffs are doing it to catch the women in the latex bodices. Maybe he associates Goth with rampant drug use; again, there are a lot of sober Goths. And virgin Goths, and married Goths, and so on.

But the most important thing is to let them know you feel that you like the Goth approach and that it's improving your grades. I think what you need to do is find out what your Dad and Mom are worried about and try to address that. If you can show that being Goth doesn't mean you're turning into a drug fiend, devil worshiper or sex-crazed madman, maybe that will help.

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Name : E25525, Gender : F, Age : 27, City : Boston, State : MA Country : United States, 

[Michele20519]

I live in New Orleans, where the Goth scene is huge (I dress like it myself pretty often). My boyfriend is Goth, and he's responsible, hard-working, does not do drugs, hardly ever drinks and doesn't worship the devil (it seems every generation has an image that people assume does that - when I was your age, I was into the punk/heavy metal scene and people assumed that's what we did, too). Most Goths are just like everybody else. And you're too young to get tattoos and piercings, so your parents don't have to worry about that. I'd ask your parents to make a deal with you: let you dress how you want for a few months. If your grades and attitude keep improving, let you keep doing it. If they slip, you stop. What's most important is that you should feel comfortable and good about yourself. Even if your father doesn't understand why you like wearing black, he should at least respect your individuality. Good luck. Make sure you post and let us know how it turns out.

User Detail :  

Name : Michele20519, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : New Age/Metaphysical, Age : 31, City : New Orleans, State : LA Country : United States, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[Kristina26291]

There are many people who see Goth as being weird, and this perception is probably worse among older people who have never been exposed to it. You could try to appeal to your parents by pointing out fashion trends they followed in their youth that (despite being chastised by their parents), did not do them or anyone else harm. Otherwise, there's not much you can do. You can't force someone to accept Goth, and as a minor, you have to abide by what your parents want. So, you might want to consider other ways of expressing yourself that would appease them.

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Name : Kristina26291, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 23, City : Washington, State : DC Country : United States, Occupation : Homemaker, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Matthew]

I won't go into why you might be attracted to the Gothic image; that is something you will have to figure out. And I know this doesn't sound too cool, but instead of getting your parents over to your side, why don't you compromise and go with just black clothing? When Goth first appeared, it was an intense look, but it did appeal to a lot of people (mostly older teens and young adults in larger cities like London, Los Angeles, etc.) So, instead of doing the hair, the make-up and the jewelry thing, most of us just started wearing black street clothing. You know, normal shirts, with normal pants, but all black. Although I am now 45, I still prefer to go out in all black. What is also cool is to go with different colors, but all along the dark, Gothic line - like dark reds with black, dark blue and black. It all speaks to the energy of a Gothic mind. In your mind, don't associate your desire to look Gothic with trying to shock. Use it to express your nonconforming individuality. Seriously, who wants to look and dress like everyone else? That's just boring.

User Detail :  

Name : Matthew, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 45, City : New York, State : NY Country : United States, 

[Alexander]

People often fear what they don't understand. Explain to your parents in a graceful manner how Goth makes you feel. Explain that being Gothic doesn't mean you worship Satan, but that you are at an age when you need growth, experience and ways to express yourself through a spiritual movement. Also, try doing some research on Goth and help gain experience by meeting others with the same situation.

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Name : Alexander, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Religion : Christian, Age : 18, City : Porterville, State : CA Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, 

[Matt]

Try to explain Goth to your parents in ways they can relate to. I'm not a hardcore Goth. But I've known a few people who are into it, listen to a few Goth bands like VNV Nation, etc. My understanding of the Goth scene is that it's mostly about feeling melancholy, listening to certain music, and the fashion. I'm sure your parents can relate to sometimes feeling melancholy. Any classic poetry they like that conjures up that sort of feelings? Poe, Emily Dickinson? Or maybe there are some Shakespearean tragedies they appreciate. Some appeal to classic literature may be a great way to point out that there is hardly anything new about a fascination with depressing or morbid subjects.

As for fashion and music: I'm guessing your parents would have been teenagers some time between the '60s and the '80s. If they can't identify with having been interested in fashion and music that shocked their own parents but proved harmless, they must have a very selective memory.

Or maybe they're worried about your nonconformism. Would they be comfortable with the opposite: a mindless conformist for a son? It's a good thing to express your individuality, as long as it's in a way that doesn't hurt others or is self-destructive.

Most Goths I've known are normal people inside, just trying to look a bit weird. I think you may need to help your parents realize this. It's the people who are a bit weird inside but trying to look normal that I worry about.

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Name : Matt, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 25, City : Oxford, State : GA Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Brian23043]

Some of this is just a given due to generational in-fighting. Have you ever seen the movieStand By Me? It's based on Stephen King's story 'The Body.' Anyway, there's a scene where the dad is griping at his younger son for not looking and acting like his older brother (who happened to have just died). His older brother was the jock, while he was more of an outcast-type. The story was set in the '60s, I think, but today the narrator could have been a Goth or a skater. You might ask your dad specifically what it is that he thinks you should be. It'll take a little dragging out, because he's going to be inclined to say something non-specific like 'normal,' to which there is no real definition. Once you get him to admit that he wants you to be a quarterback/honor scholar-type, then you can explain that that's just not you and how much it hurts that he won't accept you for trying to fit into your own mold.

User Detail :  

Name : Brian23043, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 29, City : Kokomo, State : IN Country : United States, Occupation : management, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Randy30228]

My daughter is 17 and heavily into the punk scene. She's actually toned down this year - she apparently got tired of dying her hair wild colors. She started with the hair coloring at about your age. Frankly, I never had a problem with that aspect, but I couldn't tell you why. We've had plenty of arguments about piercings. They really bug me, and I put my foot down. But at 17 she does have a lot of freedom, and she got there by earning my trust slowly: good grades, no messing around with alcohol or drugs, being where I expect her to be, calling when I tell her to, and being home when she's agreed to be. When she was younger, she broke some of those rules and spent some time grounded. But as long as she proves she's responsible, she gets a long leash.

Bottom line: Prove yourself. Earn your parents' trust. Maybe buy one outfit, and show that it doesn't immediately mean you're in a slacker crowd and letting your grades slip.

User Detail :  

Name : Randy30228, Gender : M, Age : 46, City : Philadelphia, State : PA Country : United States, Social class : Middle class, 

[Craig31909]

I had to smile when I read this. I loved Goth in the '80s. My friends would wear a white base on their faces, and look dead, dye their hair black and wear black clothes. Did my parents like it? No. But it was how I constantly felt about the pressure that one goes through when you are a kid - it's probably the hardest time in your life. But that is a ritual of entering adulthood - defining yourself in a way that may differ from your parents. You are becoming independent, and that style of dress is much more original than the A&F and Gap clones that your mom probably wants you to be. So, welcome to adulthood! But part of becoming an adult is understanding where the other person is coming from. You mom sees your dress and behavior as a reflection of her, and wants people to look at her as a good parent. Your mom needs to understand that Goth is about thinking, clothes and music that is closer to Halloween than devil worship, and that it somewhat rejects peer pressure of brands and conformity. Once you understand each other, you may be able to work toward some kind of compromise that will make you both happy. And that is part of growing up.

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Name : Craig31909, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 41, City : Minneapolis, State : MN Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Mary21980]

People make judgements about others in part by how they dress. This is not entirely prejudice, people often dress certain ways just to convey a message. Isn't that in part what you are trying to do? Unfortunatly, studies have shown that drug dealers are more likely to approach kids who are dressed rebelliously. This puts you in greater danger even if you don't take drugs. Your teachers may subconsiously regard you as a lesser student and encorage you less with the goth dress. They may not even realize they are doing it.

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Name : Mary21980, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 37, City : Houston, State : TX Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Jim30518]

Maybe you should try to convince your Mom and Dad that your self esteem is not wrapped up in the clothes you wear to the extent that it affects your grades and your mood. Tell them that even though you would like to wear black clothes, it doesn't have any bearing on which god you have chosen to worship. Try to help them see that the clothes have not become the biggest issue in your life and that no matter what they decide is best for you, you will not try to punish them for their choice. To summarize, let go and watch the rope go slack.

User Detail :  

Name : Jim30518, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 40ish, City : Katy, State : TX Country : United States, Occupation : Accounting, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

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