Sexual Orientation Questions 121-130

THE QUESTION:
SO130: How common is it for people who haven’t yet accepted their homosexuality to become involved in sex industry work or promiscuity with the opposite sex as a manifestation of their discomfort?
POSTED MARCH 26, 1999
Curious woman

ANSWER 1:
The more repressed someone is about their sexuality, it seems the more likely they are to move to extremes – complete celibacy, proving themselves through promiscuity with the opposite sex or worse: Gay bashing. Another behavior I have observed is the “it’s not sex” denial, whereby “straight” guys cruise for anonymous (and often unsafe) gratification that they mentally deny. (Look at the number of married straight men arrested in parks. Anything you want, just don’t kiss me, I’m not gay.) Then there are the “gay for pay” guys – dancers, porn stars etc. – who won’t even admit bisexuality. The discomfort comes from fear, shame and a myth about being “less than a man.” What a waste.
POSTED MARCH 30, 1999
Michael, 37, gay white male <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
I don’t know about the sex industry, but it has been my experience that many gay and lesbian people do date people of the opposite sex at some point (sometimes repeatedly). I think there are several reasons for this, including: 1) Some deny their homosexual feelings and date those of the opposite sex in hopes they won’t be gay. 2) Some are afraid of discrimination or alienation from friends, family and co-workers, so they create a straight persona. Regardless of the reason, I’ve observed it can be destructive for both participants in the relationship.
POSTED MARCH 30, 1999
Kate R., 28, lesbian <joyfulgirl28@yahoo.com>
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THE QUESTION:
SO129: I think my 30-year-old brother may be gay but am afraid to ask him about it. He has never had a girlfriend, and most of his friends are older, single men. I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, but I want to let him know it is OK with me. Our parents are very homophobic. Should I ask him?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Carlin J., white male, 25 <carlin11@yahoo.com>, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

RELATED QUESTION:
I teach high school psychology and was asked a question I need help on: My 18-year-old student feels her 21-year-old brother is gay, yet he hasn’t come out. She wants to reassure him of unconditional love, yet doesn’t know if she should ask if he’s gay. He’s been on gay chat lines, gone off for a weekend with a man… Should she say something or wait for him to tell her?
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Sus, Psychology teacher <obriens@vcss.k12.ca.us>, Simi Valley CA

ANSWER 1:
I wish I had asked my brother if he was gay when I suspected it. We wasted a lot of time pretending. When he finally told me, we were able to build a real relationship based on truth. I wish I had more time together with the real man that I came to respect for who he really was. The AIDS virus took him 4 1/2 years ago, and I miss him.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
B.B., New York, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
You should ask him. He may really want to talk with someone. If he denies it, you must allow that to be his answer.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
48-year-old open lesbian <pj1304@yahoo.com>, Philadelphia, Pa

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I would suggest you try to let him know via your conversations that you are not homophobic and are open to people and their differences. Mentioning gay friends or interest in the gay community, etc. may help convey this. My brother did this for me, and I was able to come out to him in my own time. However, I think if he would have asked me directly, it would have freaked me out and I would not have wanted to talk about it. I had to do it when I was ready. Knowing that he would be open to it was the nudge I needed.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Ramonajane, 29, lesbian

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
I think you should confront him, especially if you are close. If you don’t know how to approach the subject, casually ask if he is seeing anyone or has been on any dates lately.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Jen, female, <j1c1r1@yahoo.com>, Annapolis, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
Considering that he is your brother and not a stranger, friend or co-worker, you should ask him. As you mentioned, make him aware that his (possible) homosexualality will have no bearing on the relationship you two have. You should also attempt to speak with your parents about their attitude toward homosexuals and lesbians.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Janet, straight African-American female, Capitol Heights, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
You should most definitely talk to your brother, and the sooner the better. Your brother is in the same situation as many of us are. We choose to live two lives rather than face heartaches and rejection from our families. You should be clear about your acceptance of the situation at the beginning of the conversation with your brother. I bet it will make a big difference in the rest of your and your brother’s lives. As for your parents, they don’t have to know. That sould be up to your brother. At 38, I recently had this conversation with one of my sisters, and it was an absolute wonderful feeling to finally talk to someone in my family. This feeling lingered for days. The feeling that just one person in your brother’s family knows, accepts and loves him as he is will really take him a long way. And it will be rewarding for you as well.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Aaron D., gay male, Houston, TX

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
I think that rather than coming out and asking him you should make it clear that you love and accept him no matter what. Perhaps if the subject of homosexuality comes up, on the news or in conversation, you could take a “what’s the big deal” attitude (assuming that is your attitude. Then if he is gay, he’d be more likely to confide in you about it. I’m sure if he knew you’d be supportive, he’d much rather tell you than keep it a secret).
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
T.B., straight but gay-friendly female, 30, NY , NY

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
If you love your brother and are genuinely worried about him, ask him. What do you have to lose? Maybe your brother is looking for someone he can confide in. Maybe your parents are not the people he looks to for comfort. Maybe he goes only to his friends. If you take the initative to talk to him, maybe he will realize he can go to you, and that he can tell you what’s on his mind. Maybe he is gay, maybe he’s not. It is your choice to bring up the question.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
J.B., Annapolis, MD

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Bluntly put, it really isn’t your business if he’s gay or not. He will tell you when he is comfortable (or he may never tell you, in words). If it really doesn’t matter to you, then don’t stress on it and just be there for him when he needs you, and he will know you love him. I am gay and have never told any of my family (but that’ not to say they don’t know; they do). My straight brothers and sisters never had to go to mom and dad and say “I’m straight,” and I never felt I had to, either. Just be a friend to your bro; if he wants to tell you, he will.
POSTED MARCH 16, 1999
Kyle, 30, gay black male <kyllr2v231@aol.com>, San Francisco, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
I feel strongly that you should broach the subject with your brother. My sister is a lesbian, and even though everyone in the family has known for years, no one mentioned it, including her or her live-in partner, whom we have always treated as part of the family. A couple of years ago, I started to talk to my sister about something very personal to me, and she reciprocated by bringing up the subject of her lesbianism. After years of tiptoeing around various subjects, it has been a miracle to be able to talk to my sister honestly, and I know she feels the same. I also know how gratifying it would feel to her if other members of our family would tell her they accept her and her partner, instead of hoping she picks that up from unspoken clues. I hesitated for years to say anything about her sexuality because I didn’t want her to think I thought it was an issue, but as it turns out I could have provided some important support. If you bring it up to your brother and he doesn’t want to talk about it, fine. But he will know you are there for him if he needs it.
POSTED MARCH 18, 1999
Cyndi, female <cjmoritz@SUMMON2.syr.edu>, Syracuse, NY
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THE QUESTION:
SO128: I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the term I would use if I were dating another woman, and I would think if you are dating a girl and love her, then she is your ‘”girlfriend,” right? The word “partner” just seems so cold and unendearing. What do gay or lesbian people think about this?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Jennifer, straight black female, 18, Brooklyn, NY

ANSWER 1:
If I am dating a woman casually, I would call her my date. It wouldn’t necessarily mean I love her. “Girlfriend” implies some sort of ongoing relationship: Either a friend who happens to be a woman, or a serious romantic relationship. However, some adult women object to being referred to as a girl, preferring womanfriend. A lover would be a woman with whom I am involved sexually as well as romantically. I reserve the term “partner” or “life partner” (some use “wife”) only for a lifelong, committed relationship.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
DykeOnByke, single lesbian, 48 <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield, MI

FURTHER NOTICE:
I should think that if you were just casually dating another women, the term “girlfriend” would do quite nicely. But if you were to set up a household together, it seems that your options are more varied. The term “lover” seem somewhat out of vogue, since it implies little more than a sexual relationship. Many people like the term “partner,” though I agree it might seem a bit impersonal. “Spouse” could be used in certain contexts, I suppose. “Wife” doesn’t seem quite appropriate, although among bears (big, bearded gay men) the term “husbear” has a certain charm. I like the term “companion.” Gee, straight people have all the easy choices, don’t they?
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
Chuck A., gay male going on 40 <PolishBear@aol.com>, Spring Hill, WV

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
That’s a question we wrestle with quite a bit in our community. “Girlfriend” has so many meanings; straight women call their best friends “girlfriend.” “Lover” sounds like someone you sneak away to meet at a hotel. “Partner” sounds like someone you do business with. My sweetie and I keep changing what we call each other, but tend to use “partner” when we introduce each other to straight people. We’re married (though the state doesn’t want to recognize that), but neither of us can manage to call the other “wife” without the urge to giggle. This isn’t an answer, I realize, but I just wanted to say that we don’t have a good answer, either.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
Becky, 50, married lesbian <bthacker@iupui.edu>, Indianapolis, IN

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
Fortunately for you, you have words to describe where you are in the relationship. If you are dating someone, he is you boyfriend, then your fiance, then your husband. For gays and lesbians, it is more vague. I have discussed this with friends, and some said that using “boyfriend” when you are in your 30s makes you sound like you are 12. I argued that “lover” was too Melrose Place. I usually reserve “partner” as the person I want to spend my life with, but we all decided that it either reminded us of choosing a partner for a class trip, or like we were opening a law firm together. “Husband” didn’t quite sound right because it implies you are legally wed, and “spousal equivalent” tied with “significant other” for not exactly rolling off the tongue. I have been together with someone for seven years, and lived with him for six. Saying “boyfriend” sounds like we are just seeing each other. And yes, “partner” sounds cold. So, I’m open for suggestions.
POSTED MARCH 23, 1999
Craig, 35, gay white male <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis, MN

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
My wife and I have been together for six years, so girlfriend doesn’t cut it. Lover is a bit too personal-sounding. For me, how I introduce her depends on the situation. I tend to say wife, because it pretty much describes our relationship. I wish there were a gay/lesbian-specific term comparable to spouse.
POSTED MARCH 24, 1999
M.H., 30, lesbian <bobalek@aol.com>, Boston , MA
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THE QUESTION:
SO127: I’ve done some grass-roots work for gay and lesbian civil rights. During these events, I have heard many speakers compare the cause of gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender acceptance to the struggle for racial equality. This is usually followed by a strong counter from the opposition that many blacks and Latinos would find that comparison extremely offensive. Are most folks in the black and Latino civil rights movements offended by the gay rights movement? Do they see their struggle as morally and ethically unrelated to ours? Do they object to our community “piggybacking” on their issues and history?
POSTED MARCH 10, 1999
Matthew T., gay male, Charlotte, NC

ANSWER 1:
I am a black lesbian and am not offended by the gay rights movement. It is just as inhumane to discriminate according to color as it is according to sexual orientation
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Malika, black lesbian, Dallas, TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
Being both black and gay, I’ve experienced this from two areas. I do think that some of the resentment may stem from cultural homophobia. However, there is a major difference between the struggle based on ethnicity and that based on sexual orientation. That difference is appearance. In most cases, ethnicity is immediately visible, but sexual orientation is not. People can usually see your race, which then affects how they treat you. But how can you see one’s sexual orientation? Until people can be identified by sexual orientation as they can by race, they are different.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
D.N., gay, black, 34, Seattle

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
At least one major black denomination (African Methodist Episcopal) condemns homosexuality because the church is very concerned about absent fathers, and homosexuality is seen as another thing that can lure men away from their traditional role as father/husband/family stabilizer. I think there is some tension between race, which is obviously beyond choice, and sexual orientation, which people argue over vehemently as to whether it is a choice or not. Black people who see being gay as a matter of choice may resent gays complaining when they supposedly can just stop being gay, while blackness is forever.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
B. Hale, straight white male <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
As a heterosexual Latina, I fully support the movement for gay/lesbian rights. I think the problem is when we start to assume that “gay/lesbian” and “Black/Latino” are mutually exclusive categories, and this may be what offends people. I am not denying that some people involved in civil rights may be homophobic, but in my experience many people are trying to incorporate gay and lesbian issues into their activism. It could also be that gays and lesbians are inadvertently glossing over racial issues, which is certainly problematic.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
A.E.H., 22, straight Latina female, Deer Park, NY

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I think for homosexuals to compare their issues to racial issues is fraudulent and undermines the homosexual cause. It’s not about comparing whose suffering is worse. Blacks and Jews do this same thing with the Holocaust and slavery. Homosexuals should try to plead their case rationally and logically, without comparing the suffering they experience with the suffering people face based on their race. The issues faced as a homosexual and as a black person are not the same and should not be addressed as the same or similar. The fact that there is discrimination is not just cause for homosexual activists to associate their discrimination with racial discrimination. Without doubt, we are born black. And while you may argue that homosexuals are born homosexuals, black is black.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
Taysh, African American, Washington, DC

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I think some blacks and Latinos find the gay rights movements and gays and bisexuals in general offensive because they were raised in conservative religious atmospheres – Catholic, Baptist, Muslim and so on. Many would also resent the comparison because usually blacks and Latinos don’t have the choice of “staying in the closet” about their minority status. But there are also many like myself who think it’s wrong to hate someone for the way they were born. We do have that in common. Many of us also recognize that we have mostly the same enemies in common. Those who are racists usually hate gays, too. By the way, most American Indians don’t have prejudice against gays because some of the spiritual traditions allow homosexuality or tranvestite roles for medicine men.
POSTED MARCH 15, 1999
A.C.C., Mexican and American Indian, San Antonio , TX
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THE QUESTION:
SO126: To lesbians and bisexual women: Aside from the discrimination you face, do you think it is easier for women to have relationships with other women than it is for women to have relationships with men?
POSTED FEB. 24, 1999
Rhiannon, 28, heterosexual white woman <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis, MN

ANSWER 1:
I think every woman realizes there is a certain bond between women. I’m sure you have female friends you need for something that you can’t have with your husband or boyfriend, like girl talk or female bonding. We don’t need that because our relationship is with a woman, so we can have it all with one person. My girlfriend is my best friend, and I can share everything with her. We can also identify with each other and feel what the other is feeling, unlike a woman and a man can do. So, yes, it is easier to have a relationship with a woman than a man – for “us.”
POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
19, lesbian <haylie79@hotmail.com>, NY

FURTHER NOTICE:
I think beginning a relationship with a woman is more difficult than beginning a relationship with a man. I mean, somebody has to take the first step, and historically we are not very good at doing so. We want somebody else to do the asking, which men frequently do comply with. As for myself, when it comes to striking up a conversation with a beautiful woman, and trying to find out if she will date me, call me scared spitless! Once a relationship is started, the difficulties are different, rather than easie or more difficult. I have communication difficulties, and my husband is very good at ferreting things out of me that I need to say. A woman may not be so persistent.
POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
Kerry, 29, bisexual, hoping for Ms. Right, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have sometimes felt that is a common language I have with my female partners that I do not have with my male partners. There is a common experience of being female, and there isn’t a lot of the weird power dynamics stuff that I tend to run into between men and women. But if I reflect on my various relationships, I can’t really say if that made them easier – I haven’t yet had a relationship that was both easy and fruitful, I think.
POSTED MARCH 4, 1999
Catherine H., bisexual female <tylik@eskimo.com>, Woodinville, WA
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THE QUESTION:
SO125: Do lesbians have any hard feelings toward straight women?
POSTED FEB. 24, 1999
Jaime Y., 20, female, University of Kansas <hi-mee_babe@yahoo.com>, Lawrence, KS

ANSWER 1:
No. However, we may react to funny looks from males and/or females. The looks might be because we are with our partners, or because some of us don’t look like beauty queens. (See question GE177 for a discussion on that.)
POSTED FEB. 25, 1999
N.Smith, 44, lesbian <ranebow@iname.com>, Butler , PA

FURTHER NOTICE:
I’m not sure what prompted your question, but in my experience people are most likely to experience hard feelings toward someone they perceive as having wronged them in some way, regardless of sexual orientation. Why would I have any hard feelings toward my mother, daughter, sisters or numerous straight female friends and co-workers simply because of their sexual orientation? Gems and jerks come in all orientations. Possible discomfort or uncertainy about a new acquaintance’s response to knowing a lesbian or bisexual woman may inhibit the growth of instant trust or comraderie. If a new acquaintance indicated a certain level of ignorance and desire to understand lesbian issues, certainly I would be happy to answer her questions with no hard feelings. If, on the other hand, she started spouting homophobic rhetoric, I would strongly refute such arguments (politely if possible) but probably have hard feelings.

Strange to say that shortly after I came out, I went through a short period when I was so happy with my life that every really neat woman that I admired and liked, I wished were a lesbian, too. Guess I just wanted the best for them, and in my book, lesbians were the best! It didn’t take long to decide that was pretty arrogant, and that really cool women could still be straight and wonderful. Certainly happily-married Congresswoman Bella Abzug was one of my childhood heroines, along with several other straight feminists and social pioneers.
POSTED FEB. 25, 1999
DykeOnByke, 48, lesbian feminist <DykeOnByke@aol.com>, Southfield , MI
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THE QUESTION:
SO124: I’m a gay man, 32, who does not conform to most people’s idea of a gay male (I love sports and all the “guy stuff,” I’m not effeminate or campy at all). I’ve gotten resentment from more “traditional” gay men about this. Why is this?
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
Rob M., 32, gay male, Denton, TX

ANSWER 1:
Could part of the problem be what you’re referring to when you define “traditional” gay men? It’s true that stereotypes have narrowly defined gay men as effeminate, constantly campy, etc., but it’s also true that some people feel most comfortable with these personality traits. If they sense that you’re disdaining or disrespecting parts of their personality (not considering it “guy stuff,” for example), they may respond in kind. Each of us should be free to be who we are and do what we like, but we also have to acknowledge that men whose personalities, tastes, etc., conform to society’s stereotypes of gay men are the ones who have most likely faced the strongest disapproval and even rejection from society at large. The last thing we should do is reinforce that disapproval and rejection in some attempt to distance ourselves from other gay men. Of course, the particular individuals you’re referring to might have just had a bad day, too.
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
Chuck, 35, gay white male <tolliver@mindspring.com>, Raleigh, NC

FURTHER NOTICE:
I sound and act pretty straight and have also had these problems. I will not tolerate Barbra Streisand within earshot, and have never been to “Cats” nor owned a pair of Calvin Kleins. I was the bar manager at the only gay bar in my town and would still cop comments like “Why has the bar started hiring straight barmen?” I can understand this insecurity among older gay men, who were in their time a persecuted minority. As minority members, they are probably keen to believe that there are many others exactly like them, and so you can get very rigid views about what gay is supposed to be, and a degree of intolerance to variations to their “norm.” I suppose some younger gay men have also picked up this behavior. This is changing, though. Part of the effect of the gay movement in the West since the ’60s has been to open up the field of self-image and expression, with countless shades of gray now permissible between traditional gay and straight stereotypes. Some gay men are at heart very conservative and can’t cope with all this variety.
POSTED FEB. 18, 1999
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
I have a wonderful gay friend who has a lot in commom with you. He hates disco (he’s a big Clint Black and Tammy Wynette fan), squats 320 lbs., wouldn’t own track lighting or neon if you gave it to him, etc. He gets very frustrated with the “dissing” he sees take place among many gays, and dislikes the general gay enviroment. Some even view him as anti-gay. In fact, he is out at work and works as a union steward on gay issues with consistant success. I’ll tell you what I told him. “To thine own self be true; the rest belong to ‘Knotheads-r-us’.” On the flip side, I fit the stereotype for a lesbian so strongly that even some lesbians don’t like to be seen around me. They think I’m too open. Go figure.
POSTED FEB. 24, 1999
Alma, white lesbian allergic to pantyhose <pridewks@seacove.net>, Kempner , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
The problem is that a) you remind them of every hypermacho homophobe from high school, and b) there is an offensive trend for gay men to describe themselves as “straight-acting and appearing” and to act like they are better than anyone who could not, or is unwilling to, pass. It suggests going back into the closet, and that was what they fought against. That is most likely what they are reacting against. A bartender’s reputation spreads pretty fast, and if you give out respect and friendliness, you will get it back.
POSTED FEB. 25, 1999
Craig, gay, 35 <cmorris@loft.org>, Minneapolis , MN

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
I just don’t buy Craig’s comment that the trend for gay men to want to be “straight-acting and appearing” is a step back into the closet. I used to live in Sydney, a city with one of the largest openly gay communities in the world, and right in the midst of that community, with all the opportunity to be as “out” as possible, gay men still seemed to prefer “straight-acting” partners. It’s not a question of going back into the closet, it’s just sexual preference. And I can’t speak for Rob, but I don’t try to pass for straight, I just be myself, and that wouldn’t remind anyone of a “hypermacho homophobe.” Essentially, there is now more than one way of being gay,and most of my customers came to realize this, with their initial hesitation vanishing after about 10 seconds. A small minority of very traditional queens in the “effeminate” mold found it to be a problem. I just smiled nicely and served them. I’m accepting of the fact that some people just find it hard to cope with change.
POSTED MARCH 1, 1999
Ben S., 30, queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
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THE QUESTION:
SO123: I’ve lived in a house for three years with several roommates (all male). The rest of us (all straight) think our other roommate is gay. We have had a lot of people ask us if he was, including girls he was dating. What do I do. Do I ask him, or let it go?
POSTED FEB. 16, 1999
D.T., straight male, 29, San Diego, CA

ANSWER 1:
If you confront him, whether he is gay or straight, he will say he is straight. The first thing you should do is ask yourself and your other straight roommates, “Does it matter?” Would it make any of you uncomfortable if he were gay? If not, then the best way (in my opinion) to proceed would be to bring the subject up in conversation without directly confronting him, and let him know how you feel about gays. It is almost always better for someone to come out of the closet on their own terms, with little or no pressure. The hardest part of coming out to people is predicting how they will react. If you know how they’ll react beforehand, it makes it a lot easier. It’s also a lot easier to come out to girls than it is to come out to other guys. If he has a really good female friend, get to know her, and ask her. If, on the other hand, you feel that you would be uncomfortable if you found out that he is gay, you should probably leave the issue alone.
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
Shawn D., 23, gay male <pharaun@aol.com>, Fort Worth , TX

FURTHER NOTICE:
First, take a minute and examine your real reasons for wanting to know. If you want to be more supportive of your roommate, you might just want to very subtly drop hints that you are supportive, and that you don’t care if he is gay or not (ironic, huh?). He might not even really know himself. If he is gay, it is likely that he is watching how you respond to gay people, and estimating if you are “safe.” If you only want to know because you are interested in gay things (yes – I know you are straight, but you can still be interested), find another way of satisfying your interests (like asking questions in the Y? Forum). Basically, be supportive and affirmative, not pushy or nosy – if he is gay and feels you are safe enough to tell, you should take it as a big compliment. Remember, it doesn’t really matter if he’s gay or not!
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
N.G., gay male, 30 <vagetan@outnet.co.nz>, Auckland, New Zealand

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
Is your roommate being gay that big of a deal? If he’s dating girls, maybe he doesn’t even know yet. Try to create an atmosphere that is comfortable and trusting. He’ll come out when he’s ready. Forcing him will only alienate and put a strain on everyone in the house. What if he isn’t gay? Then you’ll probably be losing a friend
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
Topaz, 26, gay man formerly with straight roommate <sirTopaz@netscape.net>, Boston , MA

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
No, I would not ask him. It’s not mine nor anyone else’s business what his sexual orientation is. There are many men who may have a feminine quality about them who are flaming heterosexuals.
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
Male, Hispanic

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
No, don’t ask. If that roommate is straight, he might be offended. (I am not defending this reaction, merely stating a fact.) If he is in the closet, he probably fears repercussions. Do any of the straight roommates think straight is better than gay in any way, shape or form? Are/were any anti-gay jokes or remarks made? Anyone ever see a weakness in another straight man and joke about him being gay, a pansy, etc.? Finally, if he grew up in a homophobic atmosphere, he might have been brainwashed himself to believe gay is bad, and has deeply buried his orientation. It’s possible he does not even know he is, or does not want to admit it to himself.
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
N. Smith, 43, lesbian <ranebow@iname.com>, Butler, PA

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
My first thought was to get the Mr. Roper to come over and confront him while you and your roommates listen from behind the kitchen door, but on second thought, I’d simply respect the man’s privacy.
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
B. Hale <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford, CT
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THE QUESTION:
SO122: Why do some gays feel compelled to “come out,” and others do not? For example why couldn’t Ellen Degeneres just be gay and keep it to herself? I think most straight people are confused by this “need” to come out.
POSTED FEB. 2, 1999
S. Colson., 28, white male straight, married <smcolson@key-net.net>,Mt. Jewett, PA

ANSWER 1:
Quite often, celebrities and people in the public eye decide to “come out” before someone or something does the job for them. For example, everyone has known in gay circles that Ellen was gay, so it was no secret. Same goes for George Michael, Nathan Lane and many others. Tabloids and other publication revel in “outing” celebrities. It sells papers. Also, Ellen’s attempt at “straight” comedy in a film was a flop; everyone knew she was gay, as it had been whispered for years. Others just want to make a statement and sometimes even set an example. Teenagers and young adults confused over sexual identity often identify with people in the public eye and are often influenced by them. I feel sorry for people who wait until later in life to come out. I knew I was gay at 20 and came out then and have never felt uncomfortable about it.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Rick T., gay male, Cambridge , MA

FURTHER NOTICE:
It doesn’t surprise me that many straight people have difficulty understanding “coming out.” There’s nothing analogous to it in the experience of most heterosexuals. This is because it’s an almost universally held assumption in our society that unless you say otherwise, you’re straight. And coming out is “saying otherwise.”

People come out for many reasons. More and more, it’s because many gay people have grown tired of pretending to be something they’re not. Being in the closet is humiliating, and it’s hard. It’s hard to constantly lie and dissemble, to change the subject when the topic of dating/romance comes up with family, friends, co-workers, etc. It’s profoundly alienating not to be able to be honest with other people about such a fundamental aspect of one’s life. You feel that other people don’t really know you, and that consequently they can’t really love you. My decision to come out to my parents was based in part on my awareness of a certain distance that was growing between us. I felt as though I was cutting them out of my life, pushing them away. When I did come out to them, it was a tremendous relief. They accepted me for who I was. It was worth the risk of rejection. I would rather be hated for who I am than accepted for who I am not.

Coming out may also be seen as an act with deep political implications. By being out, you implicitly reject the idea that being gay is somehow shameful, and the concomitant notion that discrimination and persecution of gays is acceptable. Being out can help to break down certain stereotypes. It can change hearts and minds. Many people with hostile feelings toward gays have been forced to reexamine and change their attitudes when they learned that a close relative or friend was gay. The homosexual is no longer an alien “other” who can be easily demonized, but a person who is known and loved.

Imagine if you had to hide the fact that you were married, had a girlfriend or children. Some people expect gays to do something very similar. And many of us do. But it’s a hell of a way to live. Ultimately, it’s no guarantee of being left alone. There are people who will attack us no matter how discreet we are. It’s better to stand up for yourself.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Robert L., 31, gay male, Los Angeles, CA

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
There is coming out to society, and coming out in the sense of admitting to yourself that you are gay after many years of denial. For many, this release from repression is an amazing feeling akin to a religious conversion. I’m not surprised that a gay person may want to share this publicly. There are also political aspects to coming out. I didn’t “come out” in public, but occasionally I’ll do something like show affection to my boyfriend in public, and the reaction is the same as if I’d gone round with a t-shirt saying “I’m gay” on it. As a married white male, you don’t need to come out. You can turn and kiss your wife in the shopping center and no one will notice. It’s all a question of perception.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Ben S., queer Caucasian male <bscaro@hotmail.com>, Hobart, Tasmania, Australia

FURTHER NOTICE 3:
It’s not a question of having a “need” to come out, it’s a question of having a need to live one life instead of two.

The current hostile climate for homosexuals, as well as the fact that we don’t look any different from straights on the surface, tends to make us want to hide our real desires. The pressure is enormous to conform to “normal” sexual practices, even when those practices are unnatural to oneself (and yes, sex with a woman would be unnatural to me – the fact that it isn’t for straight men is irrelevant). However, as I’ve just pointed out, conforming forces us to do things that don’t come naturally. And as anyone who’s ever tried to go without food, water or bathroom breaks knows, nature always finds a way to assert herself eventually. So most gays who “stay in” actually lead double lives, and satisfy their natural desires secretly. Those of us who “come out” make the choice to take whatever abuse society dumps on us, so we can live one life – our natural one instead of two. It’s unfortunate that many of us lose our jobs and homes because of it, but most of us eventually are happier living as we were made to live. For the record, I’m one of the lucky ones who’s mostly been supported, so I can’t speak of loss from personal experience.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Brian W., 25, gay white male, Champaign, IL

FURTHER NOTICE 4:
“Coming out” usually begins with coming out to oneself. Once a person realizes they they are gay, they may or may not be accepting of this new information. Either way, there becomes an increasing awareness of exactly how much our world is geared toward heterosexuality. This is a difficult thing to explain, but when talking about what you did over the weekend, or when someone enthusiastically offers to “fix you up” with someone, you become hypersensitive to all the lies you are creating. This becomes more and more stressful, and often leads to a decision to publicly come out.

Many people fear (with good reason) the repercussions of telling others, but once people have a strong support system, they either hide within that system or decide that hiding is no longer an option. Ellen tried to keep her orientation to herself, but the public (including the gay press) hounded her so much that she finally had enough. For me, and for many others, this is an immensely freeing act. If you can imagine what it would be like to hide your wedding ring, and not “admit” that you found women attractive, and to grow up having your parents talk about how wonderful it will be when you find the perfect man, you may begin to have some insight into the need to come out.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Chris C., 39 <tankgrrl29@aol.com>, Lisle , Il

FURTHER NOTICE 5:
I feel compelled to reply as a straight woman with a great number of gay friends. Why in the world would our very open, very normal friendships, which include discussions about work, clothes, Clinton, wine, travel, hangovers, etc, not include references to our significant others? That just doesn’t make sense. You know your boss’ spouse’s name, and you do ask about friends’ girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses when you run into friends on the street, right? You know these people’s names and their roles because they are important to your friends. I’s that simple. To leave such a huge portion of one’s life in the dark, in the closet if you will, would be a great, dark burden to carry around. After all, if you can’t tell your friends, who can you tell?
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Kat, single white female, straight but gay friendly, Birmingham, AL

FURTHER NOTICE 6:
Let’s assume same-sex relationships were the norm. How would you feel if you had to lie every time someone in the office asked you about the ring on your ring finger? Or if you had to make up a lie that the woman in the photo on your desk was your sister and not really your significant other? Every time you wanted to hold your girlfriend’s hand in public, people gave you looks and many people would treat you differently. How about if every time you’re hanging out with your friends and see someone attractive, you can’t show interest because your friends are not straight? Imagine having to constantly live a lie and change the gender of your pronouns and be careful of what you say about your personal life at work and even in your social life. Plus, men and women are expected to follow gender-enforced stereotypes and act a certain way and like certain things; i.e. women are not supposed to enjoy working on cars and guys are not supposed to be ballet dancers, and all that. We have to come out of the closet to express who and what we are and to be free and get rid of an extremely unhealthy load of stress, or else we are doomed to die in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” world.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
D. Meerkat, 26, male, bisexual, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE 7:
Was there any particular reason you felt compelled to “come out” as a straight, married person? Couldn’t you have just kept that to yourself?
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Andrew, 35, out of the closet as a straight, married person <ziptron@start.com.au>Huntington , NY

FURTHER NOTICE 8:
Heterosexuals don’t have to come out because it is assumed that you are heterosexual unless you indicate differently. Many gay, lesbian and bisexual people feel the need (and pride) to “come out” so they won’t have to “hide” anything. And, coming out acknowledges our very existence. For example, what I did this weekend, with whom, who I am dating, who I am living with, etc. And why shouldn’t Ellen come out? There are millions of closeted gay/lesbian/bi people (youth especially) who need to know that they are not the only ones out there. But, please remember, Ellen can afford to come out. The everyday person still today, in 1999, fears losing their job, losing their parents’ love and being rejected from everyone, including their house of worship. Coming out is cathartic for most people and can be the beginning of a wonderful journey.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Sheila, 49, lesbian, gay/lesbian/bisexual counselor, <Hopeteens@aol.com>, West Palm Beach , FL

FURTHER NOTICE 9:
Do you have a picture of your wife on your desk? Do you hold your wife’s hand in public? Do you bring her to company parties? Did your friends and family celebrate your commitment at a wedding? Do you talk about your relationship with friends? Do you ever comment to your friends about how attractive you think a particular woman is? Do you sign posts on Y? Forum as “white straight male, married”?

If you said yes to any of these questions, tyou are an out heterosexual. Did you ever ask yourself why you feel the need to do these things? Of course not. So why should a homosexual? Can you imagine what it must be like to fear for your safety because you hold your wife’s hand in public, or fear for your job because you place her picture on your desk, or not be able to marry her because some right-wing Congressman might think you’re a pervert? The discomfort you seem to feel around out gay people is nothing compared to what it feels like to not feel free to do basic, human, everyday things like holding your partner’s hand.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Rhiannon, 28, likes to hold hands in public <rock0048@tc.umn.edu>, Minneapolis , MN

FURTHER NOTICE 10:
Do you speak of your wife/girlfriend to co-workers? (Simple things like what you did over the weekend.) Do you hold hands in public or kiss in the movies? Can you go dancing without drawing stares from strangers? Did anyone think it perverted for you to marry the woman you loved? Do people insult you or vandalize your property because you are heterosexual? Do they threaten you with physical violence or beat you because you like women? Do you worry about your bosses firing or not promoting you if they find out you are heterosexual?

We come in all flavors, just like the rest of the world. We can be quiet, flamboyant, ignorant, open-minded, selfish, compassionate, etc. I’m disturbed that some people judge me on my sexuality instead of my personality or accomplishments. But I will not hide. I will participate in conversations and include my partner; I will hold her hand if I feel like it; I will not be tucked away in a closet. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, you are part of the reason Ellen came out. We’re everywhere, and we do not want to have to hide.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Nancy <ranebow@iname.com>, Butler , PA

FURTHER NOTICE 11:
Sexual orientation is not sexual behavior. I don’t talk about my bedroom activities at work; that is inappropriate and unprofessional. It is also, in some cases, sexual harassment. But, I need to be able to openly worry about my wife when she’s sick, praise her when she gets an award at work, laugh about our differences, share our occasional arguments and live my life as freely as any heterosexual. It’s a matter of dignity
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Alma, openly gay white lesbian, federal employee <pridewks@seacove.net>,Kempner , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 12:
If at any time homosexuality is the assumed norm, and you are forced to either hide your heterosexuality or openly profess it to be recognized for who you are, then you might begin to understand.

That having been said, there are some differences between simply “coming out” and what I call “coming out with a vengeance.” Ellen took her “coming out” as an opportunity to attack everyone possible with allegations of homophobia. She still maintains that people who did not like her show or failed to think it was the best sitcom ever,were homophobic. She also continues to say that she and Anne Heche are discriminated against, despite the fact that they get twice as many offers a day as the average actress with similar name recognition. This is the same person who openly fondled her partner during a public dinner with the President, something that even straight couples would avoid. Is that simply “coming out”?
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
John K., straight, 25 <the-macs@geocities.com>, Cranford , NJ

FURTHER NOTICE 13:
The classic response to this question is why do straights feel they have to flaunt their heterosexuality by holding hands, hugging and even kissing in public, let alone discussing furniture, wallpaper, landscaping and other things that convey that they share a household, and worst of all unabashedly displaying pictures of their children and their marriage ceremonies at their cubicle. Why can’t they just keep this private stuff private?
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
B. Hale, straight <halehart@aol.com>, Hartford , CT

FURTHER NOTICE 14:
There is nothing in straight (heterosexual) experience that compares to “coming out.” Straight men and women have no need to hide their sexual orientation because in our society it is always assumed one is straight unless he or she says otherwise. I don’t want people to assume I am straight any more than you would want people assuming you are gay. Why is it that if you walk hand-in-hand with your wife no one gives it a second thought, yet if I do the same with my partner, it’s considered a militant and subversive act? Lesbians and gay men have and always will comprise a significant portion of the population, and it is only by “coming out” that we demonstrate through example that we are just as loving, decent and productive members of society as our straight counterparts. For you to suggest we need to stay in the closet indicates you think less of us than that.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Chuck A., 39, gay male <PolishBear@aol.com,>,Spring Hill, WV S

FURTHER NOTICE 15:
I think it depends on what you mean by “out.” Most of us “come out” to friends and family, but don’t have a sitcom and publicity agent – nor want one. The problems generally tend to come from those people who have a problem with gays and lesbians – so when you show up to a function with your partner, they make a bigger deal of it than is necessary. (These are the same folks who call it “flaunting” to have a picture of your partner on your desk, but have no problem with their husband/wife’s picture on theirs.) For most straight people, the discomfort factor has less to do with the person being gay than with uncertainty as to how they are supposed to behave.
POSTED FEB. 3, 1999
Michael, 37 gay white male <txmichael@worldnet.att.net>, Houston , TX

FURTHER NOTICE 16:
I would like to thank everyone for their great posts. I have a greater understanding of the “need” to come out as gay, as well as a greater understanding of my question. I can effectively put myself in these scenarios. I must agree with a couple of people about there not being anything a heterosexual can do that compares to coming out. The fact is that heterosexuals are the accepted norm, and until that changes, heterosexuals may never truly know about coming out. Until I have walked a mile in your shoes, how can I possibly grasp the idea?

It is the public outing that I do not understand. Some people, like Ellen, seem to tell everyone that they possibly can. I can’t help but think it is to force uncomfortable feelings upon those who have a problem with the “gay lifestyle” (I know that is politically incorrect; it’s for lack of better words, or maybe ignorance). For example, if I were a hunter, I would share that with people I know are fellow hunters. I would not purposely make a non-hunter uncomfortable with details of my last hunting expedition. I would avoid conversation about that topic, lest the non-hunter come away with a worse opinion of me and other hunters they know. I would not walk around in public wearing my blaze orange year round, for as much as I enjoy hunting, other people may be opposed to the sport. Some gays seem to force the lifestyle onto everyone they come into contact with. I would not do that with hunting, for fear of public persecution and the outlawing of hunting altogether – some Congress person may think hunters are freaks.

Lastly, I can’t identify with the one post about coming out being compared to religious conversion. Yes, I recently converted, and my close friends and family know, but nobody else does. I do not feel the “need” to tell the world, however, I would be honest about my religious beliefs if asked by strangers. I would think gays would do the same: Close friends and family would know, but you wouldn’t tell the world you were gay. But if asked, you could be honest and say that you are.

For all those who wish to blast me for posting that I am straight and married – I was simply following the rules of the Y? Forum. Don’t overinterpret what I did. In order for us to get anywhere, we need to follow the rules of the Y? Forum, so we know who we are conversing with.
POSTED FEB. 9, 1999
Scott C., 28, white male, married <smcolson@key-net.net>, Mt. Jewett , PA

FURTHER NOTICE 17:
To Scott C: Would you say that Pamela Anderson is “forcing” her heterosexuality on everyone to make them uncomfortable? Would you honestly compare your heterosexual marriage to hunting? Have you ever known a hunter who married her or his deer? What about hunters who go so far as to mount deer heads on their walls? Imagine! My sexual orientation is not just a small part of what I am, it’s who I am. More importantly, who I love. No, I don’t go up to people and say, “I’m gay Kathryn,” but I won’t talk around pronouns, and I do say “my girlfriend” when I mean girlfriend, because I’m tired of euphemisms like “friend” and “roommate.” Refer to your wife as your “roommate” for a week, and don’t use any pronouns, and answer your own question. You’re a whole lot more “out” than I am, and if it made me uncomfortable, would you go back in?
POSTED FEB. 12, 1999
Kathryn, big ol’ flamin’ Southern dyke <sheherizod@usa.net>, Roanoke , VA
To respond
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THE QUESTION:
SO121: I like to go to gay bars to gawk. I’m a straight female who finds nothing more erotic than two men together. I get to watch them dance, kiss, etc. Also, the drag queens warm my loins. I love to go with my boyfriend, get all aroused and then go home with him. Is this OK, or offensive?
POSTED JAN. 27, 1999
D. James, 22, straight female <doshia98@aol.com>, Spartanburg, SC

ANSWER 1:
I feel it’s OK for straight singles to come to a gay bar just to hang out, enjoy the atmosphere and music and dancing. As for straight couples, I am not totally comfortable with seeing public displays of heterosexual affection in a queer place. I am bisexual and have a boyfriend and girlfriend and don’t have a problem with public displays of affection in general. I’ll kiss or hug or hold hands with either of them in public, and I don’t mind seeing straight or gay couples doing the same thing. But when I go to a gay bar, I go there for the gay environment more than anything.

What does bother me and ruins my evening is an extremely common occurrence in just about every gay bar I have been in. There will be straight couples dancing or sitting at a table or whatever, and the male half of the couple will stare and give looks at the guys who are hugging or holding hands, like we don’t have a right to do it in our own place. Also it bothers me when a straight male is with his girlfriend or wife in a club, and he is so obviously paranoid and afraid that one of us are going to grab him and have our way with him, so he has to almost violently clutch his female partner just to prove his heterosexuality.
POSTED FEB. 5, 1999
D. Meerkat, Bisexual 16, male <bi_twink@hotmail.com>, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

FURTHER NOTICE:
That would be really offensive to me. If you want to get your kicks, go to a sex club. I am not here for your entertainment. Doing that is about as tasteful as peeping in people’s windows.
POSTED FEB. 5, 1999
Iteki, Iirish dyke, 22 <iteki@chickmail.com>, Stockholm, Sweden

FURTHER NOTICE 2:
What a wonderful world this would be if all people, gay and straight, were able to have fun together at the same place. I wouldn’t mind straight people having fun at gay places – as long as they show respect.
POSTED FEB. 17, 1999
Hernan, gay white male <hberny@hotmail.com>, Merida, Yucatan, Mexico