[Ruth]

North American culture is based on the individual, whereas traditional Asian culture is based on one’s relationship to the group. To violate group norms is to become a shunned outsider. In the United States, a naughty child is disciplined by being sent to a room to be alone, whereas in Japan a naughty child might be disciplined by being placed outside the home, excluded from the family unit. To ask her to go against her parents’ wishes is almost equivalent to asking her to be disowned and bring society’s disapproval upon her. Her lifelong social implications of making the choices you would like are enormous, much larger than an American making a similar set of of decisions.

Japanese culture has a separate word for those who have lived abroad, and they are viewed as being tainted and not totally Japanese any more. Interracial and cross-cultural marriage is treated even more harshly. As a product of an interracial marriage, I have experienced discrimination from both Asians and Americans, and I fit in nowhere.

Yes, her not wanting to stand up to her parents is common. Her parents have a set of expectations from a son-in-law, and it’s likely that you, coming from another culture, are not prepared to fulfill them.

Rather than encouraging her to action, or passively waiting, I strongly recommend that you learn a lot more about Japanese culture, values and expectations. This way you will understand the full implications of what you want her to do, and you will understand where she is coming from much better. Right now, it sounds like you don’t know her that well, in that you are approaching the situation in a very American way. Once you understand the magnitude of what you want, through Japanese eyes, then you will be better prepared to decide whether to encourage her (and support her through all the subsequent problems she will have).

User Detail :  

Name : Ruth, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : Arthritis, etc., Race : Asian, Religion : Christian, Age : 38, City : Denver, State : CO, Country : United States, Occupation : Software tester, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

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