Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 20 years, 9 months ago by
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Why do some people with physical disabilities get offended when I try to help them with a task I think they might struggle with? It upsets me when they get all offensive and mad at me for being nice.
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Name : Vanessa, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Religion : Catholic, Age : 20, City : Chicago, State : IL, Country : United States, Occupation : student,There is no standard answer here, but I have discovered that the reaction you speak of usually comes from a person who is very proud of the fact that he/she can do for themselves. This person may also have had one too many people offering unsolicited help. The way around this is to ask, ‘Can I help you?’ Even then, some physically challenged people (like the rest of us) can be jerks, others may be having a bad day.
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Name : Michelle20578, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 38, City : Jacksonville, State : FL, Country : United States, Occupation : Research, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,When you say “help them with a task I think they might struggle with,” the optimum part of that statement may be ‘I think’ they would struggle with. Many people with disabilites struggle to just be viewed as capable, viable, productive members of society. Perhaps you would do better to ask, ‘May I help you with that?’ It would not be as intrusive as just taking over. Also, just because a person has disabilities doesn’t mean they are any more tolerant or ‘nice’ than anyone else.
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Name : Serene28059, Gender : F, Age : 43, City : Chandler, State : AZ, Country : United States, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Vanessa: I would guess they may be offended because of the manner and assumptions you may be (unconsciously) making in your offer of help. Your phrasing in your question implies some of this: ‘when I try to help them with a task I think they may struggle with.’ Do you ask if they need help or do you just ‘help’ without being asked? We all have things we struggle with, some of them more publically and obviously than others. But it is through overcoming our struggles that we often find our greatest rewards. So doing for someone can often be no help. I remember a very powerful commercial Apple computer used to run. It showed a person in a wheelchair, struggling to get through the day. The voice-over went something like this: ‘At Apple computer we make products that let ordinary people do extraordinary things. But sometimes it’s nice to celebrate when extraordinary people do ordinary things.’ My personal guidelines are to extend the same curtesy to disabled folks that I extend to anyone else. I try to be patient with anyone having difficulties, whether they are disabled, a child, elderly, or just with their arms full of stuff. I try to smile and make eye contact and with that smile silently say: ‘Take your time, but I’d be happy to help.’ If they make eye contact back and seem exasperated, I verbally ask if they would some help, and if they agree, I then ask what help I can do. (Try not to assume what help someone needs. They can tell you and it’s often less than you think they need.) And lastly, when you run across someone who seems angry at your offers, remember it may not have anything at all to do with you or their disability. It might be something very similar to the things that make you crabby and cranky. Take care
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Name : Chris, Gender : M, Age : 48, City : Seattle, State : WA, Country : United States,When you ‘try to help’ people with disabilities, are you politely asking them if they would like your assistance, or do you insist on ‘helping’ them? There’s a big difference between the two scenarios: the first shows genuine consideration for your neighbor, or as you said, ‘being nice’; the latter suggests to the disabled person that he or she is helpless and can’t manage on his or her own, which is offensive and not very considerate at all. It has been my experience that people with disabilities want to be treated like anyone else would — with courtesy and respect. Yes, they may have obstacles to overcome that you don’t, but most of them are completely capable human beings and may be offended because you may be assuming they aren’t.
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Name : KR, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 26, City : West Palm Beach, State : FL, Country : United States, Occupation : Writer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,It’s not you. It’s the fact that some people think that we can’t do anything by ourselves. It’s not you, but before you do something to help, ask the person if they need it. They might not need it at all. But it is nice of you to consider helping.
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Name : SB, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : Visually impaired, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 20, City : Madison, State : WI, Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : Technical School, Social class : Middle class,Bless you. My wife uses a wheelchair or scooter ( she has muscular distrophy). In the almost 6 years I have been with her, only a handful of times has anyone offered to help. She got stuck in the snow just down from our house and it took over an hour before someone would help her.
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Name : dean, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 36, City : winnipeg, State : AR, Country : Canada, Occupation : Real estate investor., Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper class,
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