Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 23 years ago by
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To white men: Many times I will catch a white man staring or smiling at me. I smile back, usually, if I don’t have my head in a book reading. But have you ever stared or smiled at a black girl and wanted more? Maybe to talk to her? I get this a lot on the subway – once from a really cute white guy, but nothing more. I guess we both may have chickened out or something, but I wanted to know, have you ever done this before, and if so, why did you stop? Did you regret it later and wish that you had gotten the courage up and spoken?
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Name : Angela, Gender : M, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 30, City : Washington, State : DC, Country : United States, Occupation : writer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I’ve had a couple of black females in my life – dating, non-dating and the ‘stare’ variety. Here’s the story of one of them: I worked with a black woman who was raised in England and involved in a long-distance relationship with another non-American black. We started talking at work about all kinds of high-minded issues. Underneath, my mind was 100 percent on her. We went to lunch once in a while, to a few group outings and to movies or dinner. No hanky-panky, just as friends. On at least four occasions in public places in and around Washington, D.C., we experienced incidents involving black guys who felt the need to vocally indicate that they did not appreciate seeing us together in what must have looked to them like a ‘dating’ situation. Mainly the incidents involved comments in our direction, under their breath, like ‘who the blank do you think you are!?’ But she got the same treatment, including long stares. We ignored the incidents and never discussed them. Her relationship prevented us from dating, but I know we really dug each other, and yet I believe we still may not have gotten together.
Here’s my theory: if a white girl dates a black guy, she’s open-minded. That’s also generally true in the case of Asian/white relationships. But if a black girl dates a white guy, then, in some circles, she’s sleeping with the enemy, or betraying her race, and at least a portion of the black community is comfortable enough with their racism to communicate it in public without any fear of being called a racist. I’m not saying I’m 100 percent right or that this is the only reason, but that that’s what I experienced in racially charged D.C. Plus, if I did more than smile at a woman on the Metro, I’d be concerned she might punch the emergency button and have me arrested (although I did get one woman’s phone number on the Metro once … but that’s another story).
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Name : John, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 30, City : Arlington, State : VA, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College,Two reasons why, as I’ve felt on my own and from other White guys I know. The biggest reason is the flack you get from other guys, Black and White. While this SHOULDN’T be a good reason, it’s probably the most common. Black guys I’ve encountered while with a Black female, even one I’m not romantically envolved with, have been everything from obvious jerks with a staring problem to outright hostile a**holes. I’ve even had to resort to physical violence a few times. White guys, friends of mine, usually think it’s cool but usually think ignorantly and tell me things like Black women are for the bedroom and not for outside. White guys seem to think Black females are ‘freaks’ usually with only a few experiences to back them up. The other reason I’ve found is I don’t usually have much in common with Black females. I’m recovering from a strict Catholic background, while they were often Baptist or even Muslim. They listen to R&B/Hip Hop, while I’m rock and roll. They want to go to dance clubs and raves, I’m happy putting away a few at the pool hall or walking in the park. Many White guys, though they won’t say it outright, believe Black women are ‘High-maintenence’ and believe in the loud and rebellious stereotype and choose not to get involved. This was never a problem for myself though, I’m Loud and boisterous myself and enjoy the challenge when faced.
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Name : Mickey M., Gender : M, Religion : Catholic, Age : 18, City : Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : Longshoreman, Education level : Less than High School Diploma, Social class : Upper middle class,I have to agree with John. I work with primarily black females, but there is one who stands out. I have not pushed the issue because we are co-worker and that is strictly taboo, but we still have lunch together often. The stares we get seem to indicate white woman + black man = acceptable. White man + black woman = complete abomination. She’s selling out to ‘the man’. Particularly from other black women. They have sometimes been quite vocal in their objection. It really only kind of bothers me I guess because no one of consequence, of my race has voiced objection.(OK, a couple of skinheads, but they are idiots who buried the whole working class movement under racial issues) She notices the stares much more so than I do. I guess we still have a long way to go.
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Name : (Another)-John, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 32, City : Arlington, State : TX, Country : United States, Occupation : acquisitions for govt. office, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I’d say Americans are more reserved then Brazilians, so while they still notice an attractive lady, they’d be slower to approach and try starting a conversation. If ‘caught’ staring at a stranger in a public place, they might smile to show they’re not some crazy hostile stalker, and then look away. Especially in crowded public places, like subways, when she would likely be feeling defensive anyway, and could easily get scared and hit the panic button if approached. Late at night, for example, I’d rather stand then sit beside a lady travelling by herself on the subway – regardless of whether I think she’s attractive or not – for exactly this reason. I just don’t want her to get spooked. A guy is far more likely to approach an attractive girl on her own in a supermarket or coffee shop at 2 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon than he would the same girl on her own at 8 p.m. on the subway. This happened to me five months ago in a restaurant, a much ‘safer’ environment than the subway. I literally bumped into the most attractive lady I’ve ever seen in my life. I stood dumbfounded, right in front of her, just staring. I might even have had my jaw hanging open, for all I know. I was totally stunned! She calmly just stood there and stared back, with a half smile on her face. This continued, wordless, until our respective friends, who hadn’t noticed this, pushed us each onward and out of sight of each other. It took a few minutes for me to recover my wits, leave my group and return to the restaurant, but she had gone. Why didn’t I say something? To be honest, I don’t think I could have said my own name, never mind start a conversation. Do I regret not saying something? Yes. Daily. Oh, and if it matters, she had milk-chocolate skin, and I have white skin with freckles.
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Name : John, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, City : San Francisco, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Software Engineer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College,I think they are just being shy. I find women of all colors and flavors beautiful, but am usually too shy to talk to them or ask them out. My loss.
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Name : K26948, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 32, City : Minneapolis, State : MN, Country : United States,The same thing you described happened to me on the subway. A very pretty black girl was sitting directly across from me and we smiled at each other. I noticed she was looking at the newspaper I was holding. I asked her if she wanted to read it. She said she already had. I wanted to say more but I kind of froze. She got off on the next stop and we just said bye to each other. I did regret not saying more but it is sometimes hard to say something to a stranger and I did not want to look too aggressive. Similar situations have happened like this. Do you have any suggestions? What would you like someone to say or do at first meeting in a public place like that?
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Name : Matt, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 33, City : Chicago, State : IL, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,
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