Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 25 years, 9 months ago by
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Why don’t gay women smile at each other? I’m pretty friendly, and smile at strangers all the time – holding or going through doors, riding in elevators, walking through the mall, everywhere. Most people seem just as friendly, or at least polite – except lesbians! As an out lesbian (albeit femme), I think it’s ironic that the one group of people I’d most appreciate returning the greeting just look away or seem to ignore me. Does anyone else notice this issue? Am I hallucinating?
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Name : MH22277, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 30, City : Boston, State : MA, Country : United States, Occupation : Urban professional, Education level : Over 4 Years of College,Most lesbians I know smile at each other even more than they do at the general population, so I’d say your situation sounds unusual. A few possibilities come to mind as to why a lesbian might not smile at another lesbian: 1) She is in the closet and doesn’t want to be seen being friendly with a known lesbian for fear of being suspected of being a lesbian, too. 2) A stranger might not recognize you as a lesbian and doesn’t want to encourage someone she considers a straight woman. 3) She has a partner and wants to discourage what she interprets as flirting. 4) She has heard some negative gossip about you, disapproves of you for some reason, is dating your ex, or otherwise wants to discourage friendship. 5) She likes you a lot but looks away because of shyness or nervousness.
I’m not familiar with Boston, but what is considered the “proper” level of overt friendliness toward strangers varies in different communities. It could simply be that the community in which you now live has different social customs than those to which you are accustomed. However, if you are not new to the area or your current circle of friends and find that quite a few lesbians seem to be actively avoiding you (as opposed to simply being busy), you might ask one if something is wrong – that you’ve tried being friendly, but feel that other lesbians are avoiding you for some unknown reason, and would she have any idea why that might be? If what you say is true, some rumor about you might be circulating that needs to be cleared. Even then, I give little credence to unsubstantiated rumors.
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Name : DykeOnByke, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 48, City : Southfield, State : MI, Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer; corporate diversity council member,you know, my bestfriend’s husband is from Boston and we had an interesting conversation not too long ago. he had lived in Boston most of his life and went to college in a southern state and the one thing he thought was kind of strange was how people would just smile at one another. when someone passing him on the street would smile and say, ‘how are you?’ the first thing that would pop into his head is ‘what’s wrong? what does this person want?’. apparently people don’t do that much in Boston (at least through his experience). maybe your dilemma has alot to do with your location in Boston. living in TX, i know that any woman i smile at usually smiles back or will smile first if we make eye contact. it’s not a sexual thing, just a friendly thing, you know? come down to TX! if we pass on the street i’ll be sure to give you a big smile. 🙂 Cheers, YeeMan
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Name : ym, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : Asian, Age : 21, City : Austin, State : TX, Country : United States, Occupation : Student, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,As a femme in the lesbian community, I’ve noticed that as well, and concluded that when lesbians don’t smile back at me, as usually they don’t, it’s because they naturally assume I’m straight. with good reason — lesbians use visual cues to each other that they *are* gay, and when you and I don’t have those cues, we look like straight girls to them, albeit friendly straight girls. Nothing personal. Keep smiling, though, and one day you may run into a butch (or another femme) who sees you for who you truly are.
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Name : Another Invisidyke, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 21, City : Boston, State : MA, Country : United States, Occupation : student, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I’m a femme lesbian too, and like the other person who responded, I find that ‘identifiable dykes’ smile at other identifiable dykes all the time, but when I smile at them, they pretty much ignore me. Maybe they think I’m straight and am laughing at them, because if I’m wearing a ‘dykey’ T-shirt, I get the same response as the other lesbians…
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Name : Dazey, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Lesbian, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, City : Edinburgh, State : NA, Country : United Kingdom, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I have also noticed this phenomenon. I’ve found that lesbians as a whole are a pretty unfriendly group of people to outsiders (meaning not among their group of friends). I don’t know if it’s because they are just being guarded, or if they are just full of themselves and think that by smiling at them, you are hitting on them. Of course, I’m as guilty as the next person of being not overly welcoming to people I don’t know. I can’t say that I have an explanation for it, but I just wanted to respond to say that I have noticed the same thing!
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Name : TH, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Gay, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 31, City : Denver, State : CO, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,
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