[J.]

I recently fell in love with a Japanese girl on an exchange program from her university in Japan. She has since gone back, but we e-mail and talk a lot on the phone, and I plan to visit her next summer. We have talked about whether our relationship will work after we graduate. The problem is that she seems too willing to sacrifice her life’s goals and ambitions for the wishes of her parents. For example, she is studying to be a teacher but doesn’t think she will find a teaching job in Japan. Because she loves other cultures and travel, she would like to work in a country other than Japan, at least for awhile. But her parents have said they don’t want her to leave Japan, and if she can’t find a job as a teacher there, she will work for her father’s bank as a teller or something. Also, she wants to be with me, but her mother has told her she doesn’t want her to date non-Japanese because of language-cultural-religious differences. While she is certainly not happy with her parents’ views, she doesn’t seem willing to stand up for what she wants. Is this a common attitude among young Japanese women? That what they want is not necessarily important in relation to the wishes of their parents? Do I encourage her to stand up for herself, or just leave it and hope they come around eventually?

User Detail :  

Name : J., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 21, City : Toronto, Ontario, State : NA, Country : Canada, Occupation : Engineering Student, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class, 

[kame]

What, exactly, do you think you can do? Sounds to me like you don’t know this girl, her background or her family enough to really say that you ‘love’ her. Not to mention your condescending attitude to what is generally regarded as traditional Asian cultural values. Your white male superiority, in hoping that they will ‘come around eventually,’ is sickening. The assumption that ‘she doesn’t seem willing to stand up for what she wants’ implies a subservience and weakness on her part, i.e. that standing up to her parents is the correct thing to do. Does your attraction to this girl stem from some hope of ‘saving’ her from her own culture and family?

User Detail :  

Name : kame, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Asian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 25, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class, 

[Ruth]

North American culture is based on the individual, whereas traditional Asian culture is based on one’s relationship to the group. To violate group norms is to become a shunned outsider. In the United States, a naughty child is disciplined by being sent to a room to be alone, whereas in Japan a naughty child might be disciplined by being placed outside the home, excluded from the family unit. To ask her to go against her parents’ wishes is almost equivalent to asking her to be disowned and bring society’s disapproval upon her. Her lifelong social implications of making the choices you would like are enormous, much larger than an American making a similar set of of decisions.

Japanese culture has a separate word for those who have lived abroad, and they are viewed as being tainted and not totally Japanese any more. Interracial and cross-cultural marriage is treated even more harshly. As a product of an interracial marriage, I have experienced discrimination from both Asians and Americans, and I fit in nowhere.

Yes, her not wanting to stand up to her parents is common. Her parents have a set of expectations from a son-in-law, and it’s likely that you, coming from another culture, are not prepared to fulfill them.

Rather than encouraging her to action, or passively waiting, I strongly recommend that you learn a lot more about Japanese culture, values and expectations. This way you will understand the full implications of what you want her to do, and you will understand where she is coming from much better. Right now, it sounds like you don’t know her that well, in that you are approaching the situation in a very American way. Once you understand the magnitude of what you want, through Japanese eyes, then you will be better prepared to decide whether to encourage her (and support her through all the subsequent problems she will have).

User Detail :  

Name : Ruth, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : Arthritis, etc., Race : Asian, Religion : Christian, Age : 38, City : Denver, State : CO, Country : United States, Occupation : Software tester, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Ping]

In most Asian countries, children are brought up to respect their parents. Most parents born during the early to mid 20th century lived a hard life due to the war. They didn’t really have the chance to pursue their dreams. So sometimes they tend to want to ‘live their dreams in their children,’ which might not be what their children want, but since they’ve been brought up to obey their parents, it has become sort of second nature to give up their dreams. This is also because they feel they owe their parents after all the hard work to bring them up and can’t bear to disobey their wishes. If she stands up for herself, it may look like rebellion to her parents, and this may cause tensions in the family. If she is close to her family, she can talk to them and tell them she wants to choose her own path in life, and if she encounters any problems, she would not hesitate to ask for advice and assistance.

User Detail :  

Name : Ping, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Asian, Age : 19, City : n/a, State : NA, Country : Malaysia, Occupation : student, Social class : Middle class, 

[Cindy31938]

I don’t know why people stereotype people by citing one example and then generalizing to the whole group (Asians do this too). This is a common problem that I hear about all the time, in all cultures, Eastern European, Arabic, Indian, Hispanic, even American. Children everywhere are brought up to respect and love their families. It would pain anyone to leave or hurt their families if they loved them. No parent wants to raise a child and have them go out of the country and possibly never see them again or only see them once a year, it’s only natural. The language barrier is a real problem, and it’s not just an Asian thing. Imagine having a member of the family that you can never communicate with because neither of you speak the other person’s language. It’s a real issue and you should consider it seriously. It’s a lot to ask someone to leave their country and family behind, against their family’s wishes. If your girlfriend doesn’t want to do it, it’s not because she’s weak, in fact, she’s strong in the sense that she is willing and able to put her own wishes on the backburner for the sake of her family. It would be so easy to run away and elope, but it’s harder to stay. You are not in her shoes because she is not asking you to leave your world behind to live in Japan. When you consider what that would be like for you, then maybe you would begin to understand the depth of her problems and feelings. This is only the beginning of the cultural or personal issues that you will have with this girl, if you can’t understand this, then you won’t be able to deal with the rest.

User Detail :  

Name : Cindy31938, Gender : F, Race : Asian, Age : 27, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : Scientist, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, 

[Carlton19259]

As large societies go, Japan is probably one of the most racist, xenophobic and patriarchal one in existence. Group interests are valued over the individual, and non-Japanese people are viewed as savage and inferior (although they don’t seem to mind doing business with us). This struggle between individual interests and group interests is growing to be a bigger and bigger cause of strife between generations in Japan. In a relationship with a Japanese person, your role should be to present the positive aspects of your culture, and help your partner prepare for the guilt that would occur should she go against social norms. Japanese parents are not cruel authoritarians; they likely would not cause a permanent rift with their own child, but they would be likely to remind her of her transgressions. The bottom line is that you have to assess how strong her individualism is vs. her cultural ties, and decide whether you want to be the ‘gai-jin’ for the rest of your life. Because it is impossible for you to ever be a Japanese in any sense – legally, culturally or socially, no matter what you do.

User Detail :  

Name : Carlton19259, Gender : M, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 30, City : Atlanta, State : GA, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

[Larry V.]

Families differ, but Asian culture in general places less emphasis on individual choice and freedom. I have been married to a Japanese woman for 26 years, and she and her family are much more Western in outlook than most of the Japanese and Chinese we know, even those who live here in the US.

User Detail :  

Name : Larry V., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 54, City : Wilmington, State : DE, Country : United States, Occupation : Computer Programmer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class, 

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