Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 10 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 20 years, 8 months ago by
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Recently I discovered that my father, who is 50, is in a relationship with a 20-year-old girl. I am 25 and have two younger sisters, 23 and 20. Needless to say, we are very upset by this because we think the age difference is too great, and we don’t feel this girl is mature enough to make a decision she will not regret later in life. My father feels there’s nothing wrong with their relationship because legally she’s not a minor. I’m trying to understand why I am so upset by this. Sometimes I feel I’m being unjust to him, and sometimes I feel totally justified in my feelings. Are my bad feelings rational at all?
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Name : Fiona F., Gender : F, Race : Asian, Age : 26, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I would like to say that feelings are never ‘wrong’ or ‘irrational.’ We don’t control our feelings, they just exist. The actions you choose to take reguarding your feelings is an entirely different matter. As for your specific situation – your 50-year-old father dating a 20-year-old woman – I would probably feel the same way you do if I were in your situation. Whenever I see tremendous difference in age between a couple, I have to wonder what the driving force is in the relationship. What is motivating these people to be together? For a healthy relationship to develop and last, the people involved have to have similar ways of looking at the world. In your case, your father has lived a lifetime and a half longer than his girlfriend, how similar can their outlooks be? I would be very worried about what is motivating them both.
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Name : Jacqueline-C21000, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 26, City : San Jose, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I think it is true that wisdom and maturity does come with age and experience, but that is not to say this particular person is not mature enough to make decisions for herself. And even mature people make mistakes and have regrets. My concern with age differences lies with unequal power dynamics. I’d be interested to hear the different perspectives on this question: Can two people with a significant age difference between them still be equals in a relationship, considering the likelihood of financial disparity and other factors that increase dependency?
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Name : Anon, Gender : F, Race : Asian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 20, City : Toronto, State : NA, Country : Canada,You didn’t mention your mother. Is she still alive? If she has died recently, perhaps you feel your father is not giving your mother the respect she deserves by waiting longer to be involved with someone. If your mother is still alive, are your parents divorced, or is this an affair? How does your mother feel about it? Does she express her views to you? She could be influencing how you feel, due to loyalty to your mom. Is your father wealthy? If so, are you worried that the young woman is a gold-digger? Perhaps you what you feel is sibling rivalry. Try to get to know her before you ake any final decisions on whether she’s right for your dad. Remember that everyone has the right to be happy and your father is no exception.
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Name : Cheryl S., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 51, City : Atlanta, State : GA, Country : United States, Occupation : Technical, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,My mother passed away two years ago. I would have been a little uneasy no matter what, if my father started dating again, but I would have accepted it because I know that my father has a lot of time ahead of him and I don’t want him to be alone. However, with all that being said, I think it is especially important that he finds a partner, someone who can share with him financially, domestically, and intellectually. She doesn’t have to be 50 years old, but she should be a woman, not a girl. It has been quite some time since I posted the original post and I have seen that this girl is immature and she has ulterior motives. She is an illegal immigrant from China who wants her Green Card. She told my sisters directly. This is not the only reason but her other reasons are just as bad. We think she is looking for a father figure and my father is looking for someone to take care of since all of us are out of the home. The sad thing is, my father has to see all this for himself and he doesn’t.
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Name : Fiona F., Gender : F, Race : Asian, Age : 26, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I am 25 and seeing a man who is 50 – I am looking at this from the other side. I cannot judge your situation because I think it depends on the individual. I know in my situation it is all about two like-minded people who fell deeply in love. I think you are completely justified to have your feelings. You need to talk to your father about it. If he loves you as much as he should, he will appreciate your concern and either reassure you or, if he has doubts, re-examine his motivations. I would approach him sympathetically and sincerely, and also keep an open mind. I believe it is possible that it is genuine – though that is rare. Don’t feel guilty about being concerned – just be mature and thoughtful with your actions.
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Name : Dawn25929, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Age : 25, City : Tampa, State : FL, Country : United States,Sometimes a relationship can work when one partner is much older than the other. I personally believe that it has something to do with mid-life crisis. One hates to get old and having a younger lover is a way of saying ‘look, I can still pull the chicks, so I must look really good!’ Maybe he’ll grow out of it!
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Name : adrienne25159, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, City : san clemente, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : secretary, Education level : 2 Years of College,I am only 15 years younger than my boyfriend, so it’s not the full generation difference you’re describing, but he does have a daughter only a few years younger than I am. From that viewpoint, I’d just like to say that the only way you’ll find out if the relationship is serious and equal is to keep talking to both of them. In my situation, she seems to have prejudged me and consistently avoids us both, though in fairness they weren’t that close to begin with. My main point is, individuals vary a lot. They may be well matched or they may not be, but the only way to find out is through them. I can understand why you’re upset, and I wouldn’t say it’s unjust, but if you let that feeling damage your relationship, then that I would call unjust, to all of you.
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Name : L March, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Bisexual, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : unnamed, Age : 31, City : Keene, State : NH, Country : United States, Occupation : customer service, Education level : High School Diploma, Social class : Lower middle class,I, too, have a daughter going on 21 and feel mostly paternal toward ‘kids’ her age, but I can’t rule out the possibility that a genuine, healthy adult attraction and relationship could exist between people of disparaging age. There is a more obvious possibility that there could be something unhealthy going on, but that can happen in any relationship, regardless of age.
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Name : Doc25758, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 43, City : Nashville, State : TN, Country : United States, Occupation : Building, Social class : Middle class,I had a relationship with an older woman and found the hostility of her children difficult to cope with. I couldn’t treat them as kids (they were not much younger than I) and I couldn’t treat them as siblings – I was sleeping with their mother. I suspect your mix of feelings is due to uncertainty over this woman’s role (mother or sister). You’re not really concerned for her future, are you? There are no easy solutions to this one, but do have patience.
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Name : M.K., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 31, City : Sydney, State : NA, Country : Australia, Education level : Technical School,I believe I am more qualified to comment on this than any other individual who has commented in this forum so far. I am 55, my dear wife is 22. We met when she was in her early teens, but we were nothing more than friends; I had no other interest in her. We had some common interests and outlooks that we enjoyed talking about on occasion, and that was all. I was married to someone else, and I took the committment seriously. After a while, she moved on with her life and I moved on with mine, although we missed each other’s company. After a separation of several years, we met each other again and re-established our friendship. Quite frankly, our feelings changed over time, and we fell deeply in love. Medical issues caused me to re-examine my life as it was; I realized that I had never felt truly valued in my original marriage. Did I want to spend whatever good time I had left in a one-sided, lifeless marriage for the sake of financial security? I decided that love, commonality, mutual respect, and passion were more important. To make a long story short, I am now married to one of the warmest, caring, loving women I have ever known; she just happens to be 33 years younger than I. If someone of age 50 with the same combination of characteristics had graced my life instead, perhaps I would have fallen in love with and married her. But the person who did so just happened to be 20 at the time, so I married HER. We are of different races (She is Mexican, I am Anglo.) and I must walk with a cane; we’ve never gone out in public without having a few people blatantly stare at us. I guess being rude and judgemental isn’t a sin, but being a legally married, biracial couple with an age difference is. It used to make us angry, but we laugh about it now, because there are very few couples who are lucky enough to have what we have. We both feel that people who behave that way must not have much of a life if our business is more important to them than their own. Let ’em stare.
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Name : Lawrence, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Disability : Parkinson's Disease, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Unitarian, Age : 55, City : Chicago area, State : IL, Country : United States, Occupation : Teacher, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,
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