Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 12 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 25 years, 5 months ago by
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It seems like it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to be attracted to a man for his income, height, athleticism, angular facial features and so on – it’s considered ‘Darwinism in action,’ ‘a desire to feel protected,’ ‘the need to feel like a woman’ and so on. It’s OK to reject a man because he doesn’t have a six-digit income, six-pack abs or a six-foot stature. However, if a man is not attracted to a woman because she is overweight, he is considered ‘shallow’ and ‘superficial.’ Just as few women pursue men who are shorter than they, many men are not attracted to women who seem bigger than they. Why the double standard, where it’s OK for a woman to judge a man on appearance and affluence, but it’s wrong for a man to find a woman unattractive because she’s ‘rubenesque’?
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Name : Dan27375, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 33, City : Denver, State : CO, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Is this an acceptable double-standard? Of course not! However, speaking as a ‘Rubenesque’ woman (although I prefer ‘fat’ as being more honest), I would like to point out that there are FAR more unattractive men married to gorgeous women than vice versa. Sure, the man’s income and power plays a large role in that (can you say ‘Anna Nicole Smith’?), but I would argue that it’s much easier for every man to find an acceptable woman than for every woman to find an acceptable man. Part of the problem, of course, is the media’s fascination with beauty, wealth and fame. When Hollywood stops spoon-feeding us the idea that women over 30 are ‘old’ (while men are ‘distinguished’), that anyone with more than 10% body fat is undesirable, and that unattractive equals bad, then we’ll be making progress as human beings. (I’m also EAGERLY awaiting the day that Disney releases its full-length animated feature ‘Ugly and the Beast,’ wherein the Beast meets and falls in love with an ugly girl — recognizing that true beauty comes from within.)
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Name : Kaye, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 42, City : Charlottesville, State : VA, Country : United States, Occupation : School Administrator, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,I think you are right, but I think that as long as women have a harder time trying to gain/maintain their equal status in the working and career world things will be askewed. Women are no longer required to raise kids, keep house, and be cute to be accepted and praised. Unfortunately in the past women almost had to place their self-worth on their physical appearance, childbearing/raising and housekeeping skills. Many if not most women are still doing this even though they don’t understand that they don’t need to be. Perhaps it is because many men are still rating them based on these traits. I think women are often judging men superficially out of rebellion suconsciously! I think it is only fair to say if it is ok for a man to judge a women only on her appearance it is ok to perpetuate her judging him on his earning abilites/capacities to support her. It works both ways. We will always be judged in life and it is only natural to be judged for ‘mating’ by your appearance. People who are truly comfortable with themselves and do not harshly judge themselves will not judge others ignorantly.
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Name : veronica, Gender : F, Age : 24, City : los angeles, State : CA, Country : United States,I would have to disagree with you. You are basically contradicting yourself, making a generalization yourself. I personally do not think that it is o.k for a woman to reject a man because of his income. height, or athleticism….Who ever said that it was? I do, however, believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion and their likes and dislikes….If a woman or a man happens to be more attracted to someone who is slender, then that is their perogative. It does not make them shallow. As a woman, I would never not be attracted to a man because of the amount of money he makes or because of his build….I look at personality….and personally, I HAVE dated heavier, as well as shorter men….
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Name : Marisa, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Jewish, Age : 24, City : New York, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : Human Resources, Education level : 4 Years of College,I find it interesting that you note women are attracted to men for various POSITIVE reasons, however if men are NOT attracted for a NEGATIVE reason, it is a double standard. I don’t really see a double standard here. I think it is fine for men and/or women to be attracted to eachother for any number of positive reasons, but it usually doesn’t work the same for your gender. For example, the affluent man (woman) may be very smart and funny, but overweight. The difference I think between men and women is that women would be more likely to be attracted to him in spite of his weight (attracted to the POSITIVE), whereas a man might tend to focus on the weight (NOT attracted to the NEGATIVE). It’s a basic difference in how we see things.
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Name : Shelley27959, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 37, City : San Antonio, State : TX, Country : United States, Occupation : Programmer, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I agree with you that any woman who values the traits you listed and seeks those out when choosing a man would have no basis for opposing the same type of behavior in men. I would say from my own experience and that of my close friends, that attraction is more largely based on personality and shared interests/values. With respect to looks specifically, there are a few men that I could say I was attracted to solely on looks, but none of these people did I ever seek out a relationship with. Rather, the initial attraction to the men I dated was related to some other factor. As I got to know these people, their physical attractiveness increased.
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Name : Carol G., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Catholic, Age : 29, City : Dayton, State : OH, Country : United States, Occupation : Accountant, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,As a female who has lived all over the country, I must say that I have never seen this double standard that you describe. The fact of the matter is, looks are not really a priority for most women. As long as the guy in question does not look like the elephant man, there are a lot of things that are a lot more important to a woman than ‘six pack abs’, etc. I have, however, seen on numerous occasions a man’s success summed up this way: ‘He had it all. A successful career, a beautiful wife, etc…’ You never hear: ‘He had a loving, faithful wife, who is a great cook,etc…’ Also, as far as the financial status thing, yes, women are concerned that a man will be a good provider for her children. This bias is not restricted to women though. How many professional men do you know are looking for a girl who works at Taco Bell? Unless, of course, she looks like a model.
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Name : Michell20524, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 32, City : Dayton, State : OH, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I was not aware that this double standard existed. Like it or not attraction and chemistry are based on looks. And everyone has different criteria regarding what they’re attracted too. And the rules of attraction for both men and women, are unfair. As for the money deal, I think only superficial women date solely based on income. Or a six-pack for that matter. Among all single people, there’s a good chunk of shallow money-seekers, looks-orientated daters. Don’t date them if you don’t like their style. I’m attracted to men based on their passion, character, maturity, humor, and yes, sorry, looks. And sometimes a high income or a ‘successful’ lifestyle make up this package; sometimes not. And often one strength (like character) outweighs one weakness (like looks.) I suspect mature men base their attraction on similar such criteria (I would go so far as to say looks matter more to men, but I don’t want to get caught in assumptions.) I think the truth of the matter is, dating is unfair and hard and full of rejection and insecurity and the only way to be successful is to become the person you want to be and hope to meet someone who really likes that person. good luck.
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Name : Lisa, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 24, City : los Angeles, State : CA, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,I do not believe that you should group all women into that one superficial catagory. Things such as money, security, what someones career is, or how they look is not important to all women. No one I know looks for those characteristics in men or women. I, myself, am a ‘rubenesque’ woman, and I think what most women like myself have a problem with is when some males choose not to look beyond the outer appearence. Personally,I have dated many different types of men, from lawyers to struggling artist, of all shapes, sizes, and shades and they all had a special quality that attracted me to them. Maybe you should try to look beyond the outer appearence.
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Name : Nichelle, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 25, City : Charlotte, State : NC, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I think most men would agree with you and some women might call you shallow. Why? Well, I read the average American woman wears a size 14. That’s ‘rubenesque.’ Women are sensitive about their weight, moreso than men I think, and need some reassurance not only that they look fine, but are worthwhile people. I’ve seen a lot of that reassurance come from women’s magazines (look at the February issue of Glamour) and television shows aimed toward women (Oprah, The View). It’s marketable. When women proselytize men for not liking rubenesque women, I think that’s just a defense mechanism.
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Name : SR28426, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 21, City : Austin, State : TX, Country : United States, Occupation : student,With whom is it ok that a woman bases her choice of a mate on looks, money and washboard abs? I think that a woman who makes her choices based on looks and money is just as shallow as a man who does the same. Besides, what do you see more–a beautiful woman with a homely guy or a handsome man with a plain woman? I see much more of the former than the latter.
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Name : Leslie, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 31, City : Edgewater, State : NJ, Country : United States, Occupation : Manager, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Man, all I have to say is attraction and looks are still in the eye of the beholder. I dislike the look of a muscular man, I am not attracted to it at all. Second thing, I believe that all income should be kept separate, even when it comes to marriage. I don’t believe in joint accounts, unless both parties agree on putting in equal amounts of cash into only one joint bank account for emergency purposes only. Economics have nothing to do with it. My boyfriend at this point is a transparent, pale British guy with large features, the same height of five foot eight as me, and skinny as all hell. I must tell you I’m still amazed and absolutely attracted to every part of his body, his mind, and his soul.
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Name : Christina-S32039, City : Seattle, State : WA, Country : United States,I think that the double standards have a lot to do with the fact that women have been throughout history, and up until the 20th century, considered to be in a class second to men. At least that’s what history says. It might be that now it’s considered shallow and unenlightened for men to prefer something beautiful over something ugly, because the feminist movement wants to put women in a light where they are admired more for their inner qualities than their outer beauty, as a way of making up for all those centuries since the beginning of time when men were not afraid to take advantage of the fact that they are the stronger sex (physically). This is not to put down feminism, I think it was very much needed, but like all radical movements sometimes it tends to the extremes, as a way of making sure it’s heard. But honestly, women have always naturally liked tall,rich, hot-looking guys, and guys have always liked beautiful girls, so I don’t see what the big deal is. I think society is just trying to repress a truth it’s not yet ready to handle. It’s not good news to hear, but women are still not viewed on par with men, and they are not given the same regard as men in today’s society. If women ever do receive, not equality, but respect for who we really are as people, then I think the double standard will disappear. But it’s hard because people and society are so screwed up.
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Name : Adriana, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 17, City : Harrisburg, State : PA, Country : United States,
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