Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 18 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 23 years ago by
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The phrase “nice guys finish last” must be true. It seems like women are only interested in jerks, morons and deadbeats. They say they want a nice guy, but they end up with just the opposite. As a former “nice guy,” I’ve been getting the attention of women by treating them like I don’t care about them. That seems to get a response. I need to know what the real deal is ladies. I think I’m better off treating whores like ladies, and ladies like whores. If you think I’m wrong, let me know.
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Name : Bigchocolateman, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 29, City : Detroit, State : MI, Country : United States, Education level : Technical School, Social class : Middle class,Nice men will attract good women whereas morons will attract morons. I think it is the other way around. It is hard to find good women.
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Name : Christopher D., Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Atheist, Age : 24, City : Dallas, State : TX, Country : United States, Occupation : Customer Service, Education level : High School Diploma, Social class : Lower middle class,Don’t underrate the power of chemistry to make people stupid. Women date guys who attract them, and lot of the time there’s a component of Dad in the attractiveness equation. How many parents are sane? My Dad was a psychopath. I ended up dating psychotics and deadbeats for a long time. None of them looked like my father, but there were key ways in which they acted like my father. Psychological abusiveness and inability to love were key ‘Dad’ signals that triggered ‘Dad’ chemistry.
I was young then. I don’t take any of that crap now. But by refusing the crap, I find myself mostly dateless these days. No big loss, as far as I’m concerned; who needs the grief? That doesn’t mean nice guys aren’t out there. It’s just that they got snapped up early by women smarter than I was. In my age bracket today, nice guys with brains and a real job are already married or seeing someone quasi-permanently. (I don’t date ‘nice’ married men; they disqualify themselves by asking.) You may be seeing a lot of sweet young things with no clue about the guys they’re dating. They’ll grow out of it, but they may get really bitter about men before they do. If so, they’ll quit dating altogether. As for older gals (30+), they’re dealing with the dregs for one of three reasons: (1) The guy is stinking rich, and she plans to get half of the action. My golddigger sister made this work for her twice – and the guys never caught on to her barracuda nature. (2) Some girlfriend told her she won’t meet nice guys by staying at home. She’s got to at least get in the game, be visible, be available, go out. Maybe her current, dreadful boyfriend knows someone nicer, someone she can dump the jerk for when the time is right. (3) She’s scared that no one will ever love her. In that frame of mind, any boyfriend is better than no boyfriend at all.
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Name : T-Lynn, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Deist, Age : 30+, City : San Diego, State : CA, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,My whole adult life I’ve noticed the same thing. As a ‘nice guy’ I’ve often been turned down by women who then go on to date jerks. I’ve also noticed that the guys who are the biggest jerks seem to get the most dates. I’d also like to hear what women have to say about this.
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Name : Brian22993, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 33, City : Minneapolis, State : MN, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower class,Whore? What kind of so-called nice guy would call any woman a ‘whore’? I’ve met plenty of nice guys who are undatable in a ‘nerdy’ kind of way. Any emotionally healthy woman would never date a man who treated her like a whore.
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Name : Allison31434, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Age : 25, City : Los Angeles, State : CA, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,I’ll agree that it seems that ‘bad boys’ get the girls; however, birds of a feather often flock together as well. What makes a guy ‘bad’? Usually a poor sense of self-worth. In turn they act out and take out their own sense of inadequacy and low self-esteem on others. The girls they attract are usually those suffering from a similarly low sense of self-worth – low enough to think that they need to put up with the antics of the ‘bad boys.’ When given the chance and enough encouragement (persistence on the part of the ‘nice guy’) most women will realize that being treated nicely and with respect by a ‘good guy’ is much better than the ‘bad boy’ alternative, especially if the ‘good guy’ makes her feel positive about herself, something ‘bad boys’ don’t often do. In closing, be a ‘good guy.’ You’ll be doing both you and her a favor.
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Name : Shelly27965, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 24, City : Pittsburgh, State : PA, Country : United States, Occupation : student and researcher, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Well Lamar, you are right: Nice guys finish last, but then again, so do nice girls. There are many reasons why some (not all) girls like bad boys. Some girls want a guy they can change, someone they can mold into their prize. Some girls want someone they think needs their help. I guess that’s from lack of attention in their past. And some girls are just selfish, with that “step-on-or-get-stepped-on” attitude. Not all girls are like this, though. I guess that’s called “looking for that special someone.” I don’t think you should turn into a jerk. Do you really want that kind of girl? The one who doesn’t want you for you? Be nice again. Love hurts, but if you give up, you’ll never really get what you truly want.
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Name : Theresa, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : American Indian, Age : 21, City : Anchorage, State : AK, Country : United States, Occupation : Teacher, Education level : 4 Years of College,Women don’t want a jerk, but they don’t want a doormat, either. There is a lot of middle ground between these extremes. Women want guys who will treat them with respect and kindness, and who they can respect as well. Women want a man with strength, substance and depth, someone with whom they can have a multi-dimensional relationship. If a man’s only purpose in life seems to be pleasing her and submitting to her every whim, how much substance can he have? A man like that wouldn’t seem to have much strength, either. Men also need to have their own things going on in their lives; otherwise they will smother the woman. Women want men who they can trust and who they can talk to. Of course, not every woman looks for this type of man, and not every woman is looking for a man with whom to have a long-term relationship. If a woman is just looking for a good time, the bad boys are better, because the nice guys get serious too quickly.
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Name : Julianna-H27022, Gender : F, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Age : 25, City : Santa Clara, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Systems Analyst, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I spent many, many years feeling bad about me, and unworthy of or at least uncomfortable around, ‘nice guys.’ I figured they’d find me out as being uncertain about my looks/future/politics/etc., and dump me. So rather than take a chance on a good one, I decided to waste my time with the wrong ones – the sorry ones, the ones who treat you poorly or with disrespect. Finally, I chanced into dating two different, absolutely wonderful men who treated me with great respect, intense interest in me and my brain and my body and my thoughts, and with great affection (thanks, David and Britt). I owe them both a debt of gratitude. I can say now that I’m a really nice girl, with a strong sense of self, and of what I’m worth as a person. I am thrilled to share my life now with a wonderful boyfriend who’s a bit older and wiser than I, and he is so incredibly kind, passionate, interested, loving, attentive, blah blah blah. A true prince. I’m honored to be with him and thrilled that he’s in my life. He’s not what I thought I was looking for, but he’s exactly what and who I needed. Hang in there. Keep being kind, attentive, honest, open-minded and sweet. You’ll meet her, but it might just take a while.
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Name : Kat26793, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 29, City : Birmingham, State : AL, Country : United States, Occupation : web developer, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I hope your experiences don’t make you assume all women are like that. It all depends on the individual, their experiences and their motivations. Also, pressure to ‘appropriately’ present oneself in front of others often gets in the way of what people actually feel and think and want to say. More importantly, why would you want a woman who apparently doesn’t want a ‘nice guy’ like you? If she can’t appreciate you for who you are, it’s most probably her loss. Forget about her and direct your efforts toward looking for a woman who will understand you and appreciate you for who you are – for whom you would not have to change. I know it is so much easier said than done, but I took my own advice some time ago. Those countless lonely weeks and months were much more than worth the wonderful person I eventually met. Decide what kind of a person you would like to be with and don’t let her go once you meet her.
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Name : A.V., Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 20, City : Brooklyn, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : student,Yep, most women do find the ‘bad’ guy more attractive, and for various reasons. My reason is mostly about committment. If I begin to date a bad guy and want to break the relationship off, I feel less guilty about it, feel more vindicated by it, worry less about maintaining a relationship as friends after the breakup, and will spend less time dwelling on it after the fact. A nice guy involves a lot more committment, as I don’t want to chance hurting his feelings.
An independent, self-confident woman often wants a man in her life as an accessory and fears being truly needed or, gasp, truly needing a ‘nice’ guy. But despair not, when a woman begins to think about marriage, the nice guys do come out on top.
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Name : Rachel-M, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 21, City : Montreal, Quebec, State : NA, Country : Canada, Occupation : student, Education level : 2 Years of College,I am a young woman who goes for the nice guys, and I can only tell you my opinion. I know many people, men and women, who feel the same way. I figure that you are trying to ‘woo’ women by showing your nice side first. You are assuming that you are meeting women who value that! The plain truth is: Don’t give them the nice guy unless you are sure that they deserve it. If you make yourself too open, available and giving to someone who will not appreciate it, than it’s going to be “give them an inch and they will take a mile.” Overall, it sounds to me as though you are not meeting the kind of women you want. It sickens me because I know firsthand that feeling like this makes you frustrated and bitter. Your nice girl is out there as sure, as you are out there, too! Reevaluate where you are going to meet these women. Don’t start treating women like ‘whores’ indiscriminately or you will perpetutate the same thing you are trying to absolve. Remember the golden rule – perhaps those you have met have been in your position. You have also got to stop taking peoples’ inability to return your kindness personally. Don’t let this handful or peoples’ behavior determine your reality of yourself or the world – let alone change you from a kind soul to a jerk.
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Name : Kris26221, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Christian, Age : 24, City : Wharton, State : NJ, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I have a theory about this: I think women tend to like the jerks because we women are very attracted to confidence in men. So attracted, in fact, that we err on the side of the assholes. Given a choice between a guy who is so-called ‘nice’ and a guy who is a bit of a jerk, with equal levels of confidence, we will pick the jerk because we mistake the cockiness of the jerk for confidence.
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Name : Jennifer31055, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Age : 24, City : Miami/Washington, DC, State : FL, Country : United States, Occupation : Graduate student, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Wow, Lamar, you really know how to get right to the core of the issue. Having ‘been there and done that’, let me offer you some insights that you will probably reject because it doesn’t fit with what we men like to think about ourselves. Here’s the simple fact – you’re chasing the wrong women! I did the same thing and had the same thoughts as you. Then I met and married my wife at the tender age of 45. It was the first marriage for us both because we both had the same experiences as you. It isn’t a problem with all women any more than it is a problem with all men, it’s just that you’re looking in the wrong room. You don’t have to be a jerk to get a girl because the girl who wants a jerk will NEVER appreciate you. Be who you are and, most importantly, be patient. The right girl will come along eventually and, when she does, you’ll know – believe me, you’ll know. Remember this about the women seeking ‘bad boys’, most of them have pretty poor self-image and are seeking someone who will treat them in a way which reinforces that poor self-image. They don’t know how to respond to someone who doesn’t know how to make them feel bad about themselves, that’s why they’re not interested in you. Hang in there, man, and just be the nice guy that you are. In the long run, both you and the right girl you find will both appreciate it.
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Name : Pete S., Gender : M, Age : 51, City : Orlando, State : FL, Country : United States, Education level : 4 Years of College,I am an intelligent, successful, athletic guy (33) whom woman friends say they find very attractive, with a great sense of humor to boot — but they also find me ‘too nice’ to date. Some of these same women are dating jerks who do not treat them well. I found this true through college and am still looking for a nice woman to date. I think keeping a good attitude is very important, but it can be frustrating. I’m still looking, and other men like me should, too.
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Name : Robert29731, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 33, City : Jacksonville, State : FL, Country : United States, Occupation : Professional, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Upper middle class,
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