Dare To Ask Talk And News About Our Differences - This topic has 15 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 24 years, 1 month ago by
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I am an overweight, highly intelligent, witty, kind, empathetic high school student who has never been on a date. Will I always be doomed to picking up the remnants, or is there hope for me finding dates, and, way down the road, love? I know that in American culture, appearance is a priority, but does that mean that all men will always look at the skinny girls first?
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Name : Jane, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, City : San Francisco area, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : student, Social class : Upper middle class,In a strange way you are at an advantage. Of course there are guys out there who are intelligent, witty, don’t care about looks, or quite possible like overweight women. High school is definitely tough, but believe me, there are guys out there who will love you for who or whatever you are. When I say that you are at an advantage, look at it this way: I feel that most of the guys out there who are only concerned with looks are usually pretty shallow and generally insecure. If you feel that you maybe aren’t exactly Cindy Crawford, at least you know right off the bat that your guy goes for what’s on the inside. I firmly believe that there is a match out there for everyone. Be picky, though. Don’t take the first thing that comes along just because you feel hopeless. It sounds like you’ve got a lot going for yourself, and you deserve to wait until you find what’s best for you.
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Name : Danielle Koukos, Gender : F, Race : X, Age : 24, City : Lakehurst, State : NJ, Country : United States, Occupation : Systems Analyst, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I think the size of a woman and what a man sees as being acceptable has to do with your culture. White women are pictured as being small/skinny. Ads, newspapers, magazines and billboards of models and actresses all depict them as boney, and thus as the norm of what the perfect woman should look like. On the other hand, I am a woman of color and wear size 18 clothing, but I have no trouble with dating. Men of my culture prefer a ‘healthy’ woman vs. skin and bones. Also, women of color are not stuck on that stereotype that we have to be small to be validated as women. To sum it up, it’s a culture thang!
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Name : Lisa, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Black/African American, Religion : Christian, Age : 38, City : Detroit, State : MI, Country : United States, Occupation : Professional, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I believe that both guys and girls have been mentally conditioned to view 36-24-35 and a “perfect” face to be the standard to which all else is measured up against. This is entirely a Western thing (with the exception of some minority communities). Yet it’s even creeping into Eastern societies. Anorexia does not exist in Nepal… yet. This emphasis is the reflection of the shallowness of a culture that places the outside above the inside. A guy who sees past all this and desires love, not “arm candy,” is waiting for you somewhere in this world.
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Name : Dan27385, Gender : M, Race : Hispanic/Latino (may be any race), Religion : Pentecostal Christian, Age : 21, City : Los Angeles, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Student/dishwasher, Social class : Lower middle class,I am a 28-year-old female. I, too, am overweight. Let me tell you, you will go on dates and hopefully find the man of your dreams. But getting there is a big challenge. I am outgoing, pretty and successful, yet I haven’t had a boyfriend in many years. Men tend to look at what is on the outside instead of the inside. I found high school to be very painful. I grew up in a small town and was always made fun of because of my weight. It seems as though society tells us that overweight people are useless and lazy. Men tend to think this way as well. It takes a very special and caring man to love women like us. Keep your head held high and always remember that some day, you will find the one. You are your own person and you are special no matter what anyone may say about you. Don’t be in a rush. The right man is out there for you!
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Name : Kassie, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 28, City : Albany, State : NY, Country : United States, Occupation : Sales, Education level : 2 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Get thee to a college! I, like many people who are not mainstream, had a rotton time of it in high school. But once I found my way around my college campus, I found my crowd. It is much less clique-ish in higher education. I’m sure there will be plenty of guys who don’t value “skinny-minnies” above all else waiting for you.
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Name : Mamageph, Gender : F, Age : 27, City : Smokey Point, State : WA, Country : United States, Occupation : Mama, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Lower middle class,First of all, you are not hopeless. But everybody feels that way sometimes, no matter what they look like, who they are, how many friends they have, etc. Many people feel depression during high school because it is a tough time. Times of transition are always hard, and you are in the middle of the biggest transition of your life – going from being a kid to an adult. But we all make it through, and things get better. I know that is hard to believe when people keep telling you that high school is the best time of your life. Trust me – it’s not. As for dating, believe it or not, a lot of kids don’t date in high school. For now, concentrate on your friends because ultimately, they are much more important than any guys you would go out with. Once you get to college there will be many more guys than in high school, and the guys are more mature. More guys will be interested in you, not just your body. Some men will always look only at what women look like, but who wants a superficial guy like that anyway?
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Name : Jacqueline-C21001, Gender : F, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 26, City : San Jose, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Engineer, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I suspect your biggest problems will be in high school. When you move on to the university level, things will be very different. Yes, we guys – in most cases – prefer ladies not much above “well-covered.” Yes, there are men who prefer larger ladies, but most will only admit it in their 20s! If you want more choices, then maybe lots of exercise and losing weight will bring you into contact with good guys.
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Name : Kent, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Episcopalian, Age : 57, City : Melbourne, State : NA, Country : Australia, Occupation : Consultant, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,Hi Jane! I can imagine your problem and there is a hard thing to accept. People, male and female look for a physically and intellectual attractive partner. Sounds hard but my (not very long) life experience says: 90% of all girls say they’re ‘too fat’ but only 5% are from a boys point of view. Noone wants an anorexic girlfriend like Kate Moss. If you haven’t yet been out for a date, change to a more offensive tactic. Boys also like to be asked for a date, not only girls and they will much more likely accept than do the first step themselves. PS: Forgive me the bad English
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Name : P., Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 20, City : E-Town, State : NA, Country : Germany, Occupation : Student,Don’t despair. My first date was at 20, and this Valentine’s Day was yet another I spent alone (I’ve never spent a Valentine’s Day with a special someone). You will have your first date, though, and you will fall in love. Right now, try to have some patience. I’m sure people have said ‘It just takes time.’ Believe it. Admittedly, most guys ARE superficial, especially in the late-teens, low-20s age range. That’s just how we act: We enjoy looking at pretty girls, but we also know it takes more than looks. It’s a matter of how long until some guy finally realizes that.
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Name : David, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 26, City : New Orleans, State : LA, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I was fairly overweight in high school (pushing a size 14 at 167 pounds), and like you, I’m witty, intelligent and really think I’m a pretty neat person with some good friends and a bright future. Dates in high school? No way. No guy even LOOKED my way. As I got older and settled more into me, and who I was, the right guys started showing up, and I started acting like I deserved to be loved. For me, part of the problem was thinking I should ‘just act like one of the guys,’ then when one noticed me, I would then act like a ‘girl.’ Wrong approach. For me, it has made a huge difference to go ahead and act like a woman, so that their first perception of you is as a woman and not a potential hang-out-and-drink-coffee buddy. I don’t mean slather on makeup and fight with panty hose, but just go ahead and love yourself, cherish and foster your femininity, and in time it will all come together. I’m still a size 12, weighing in at about 162, but my lover calls me ‘his little beauty’ – and I believe him.
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Name : Lauren26092, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Methodist, Age : 29, City : Birmingham, State : AL, Country : United States, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I am halfway through my first year of university, and I’m here to tell you that life is much better once you get out of the bubble that is high school! I experienced the same emotions as you in high school, albeit for a different reason: I was the smart kid, and hence went dateless many times. But at university, people are much more accepting of you for YOU, not for what you look like or how you act. So hang on. I know firsthand that it’s a tough ride, but believe me, things will get better. Don’t let them get you down.
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Name : Nicole20035, Gender : F, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Age : 19, City : Waterloo, Ontario, State : NA, Country : Canada, Occupation : Student,I’ve had many difficulties in my life finding/dating women who were a match for me. Eventually I learned that the pain inside came from not feeling good about myself. I learned to put aside my interest in romance/sex for the time being to give me room to do a lot of self-therapy. I’ve been making good progress, and as I grow in honestly and deeply feeling good and confident about myself, I’m frankly less interested in dating. In other words, I’m much less desperate than I used to be. Ironically, I find women are more attracted to me. I can understand this; even though (like many people) my interest in the opposite sex is a mixture of ‘outside’ and ‘inside,’ I’ve met women who I found VERY attractive largely because of their confidence (true confidence, not ‘ego’) and good feelings about themselves, even though I found them physically unattractive. If anyone’s interested in what got me started on my path of personal development, check out books by Nathaniel Branden. He has a lot of good ideas that have helped me do some necessary and rewarding ‘psychological housecleaning.’
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Name : Jake, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : White/Caucasian, Religion : Agnostic, Age : 28, City : Oakland, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : Systems Administrator, Education level : 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,I never had a date in high school either, but now I am married, although I weigh more now than I did in high school. I admit high school can be painful for those whose looks don’t measure up, but there is an advantage to this: the shallow guys are being weeded out. If you looked like a supermodel, guys would probably be very interested in you… for your looks. Is that what you really want? If you can tough it out and wait for the right guy to come along, at least you will know for sure that he is interested in you as a person. You will know he is a sincere person who doesn’t judge people on their outward appearance, who looks at a girl’s heart rather than her measurements… isn’t that kind of guy worth waiting for?
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Name : CP19359, Gender : F, Age : 22, City : Montreal, Quebec, State : NA, Country : Canada, Occupation : student, Education level : 4 Years of College,Of course you’re not hopeless. The people who have written are correct. Eventually you’ll find someone. However, I must defend my fellow men. It’s true that we’re visual creatures, so that the first thing we see is the body. I’m like most men and am attracted to thinner women (I’m 5’6′ and 115 lbs.). Most men won’t consider you because weight in our culture is important for a variety of reasons, such as health, activity levels and image. That last reason is shallow, but image in our society counts for much, because in our fast-paced life, we only get glimpses of things before passing them, so those sites better be worth seeing.
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Name : Ben23360, Gender : M, Sexual Orientation : Straight, Race : Asian, City : San Diego, State : CA, Country : United States, Occupation : law student, Education level : Over 4 Years of College, Social class : Middle class,
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